Starbug sailed out into the deep black. Rimmer gripped the pilot's controls while Cat just slouched in the co-pilot's seat. The feline had done nothing but moan.
"Three weeks we've been doing this…"
"Stop whinging," Rimmer grumbled, checking the navicomp a third time. "We've got to find them."
"It's time face facts – they're gone, buddy. But hey, look on the bright side – they're gone, buddy!"
Rimmer glared at him. "You're seriously not even a slight bit concerned?" he sniped.
"Hell no! I don't even care about you! As far as I'm concerned, if Freak Face and Officer Bud Babe want to get lost, that's their beef!"
Rimmer grimaced, from both disgust and pain. The pain came from his entire body. He'd been getting worse lately. He felt like his ribs had been destroying themselves for weeks. The medical computer was baffled. He hadn't done anything out of the ordinary lately, but here were his ribs, steadily getting worse. He'd been put up in bed to recover, but with Kochanski and Kryten missing, he'd had to forgo his bedrest to head the rescue mission, seeing as how the Cat couldn't be bothered with it and Holly had disappeared with them.
He rubbed his eye. It too had been getting worse. Last time he'd checked, a bruise had been forming around it. It was really starting to hurt. As if that weren't bad enough, he seemed to be developing a cold sweat as well, with his uniform getting thoroughly soaked in the process.
"You've gotta get some antiperspirant, bud. You're gonna start dripping on the electronics at some point."
"I know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've just kept getting worse and worse… But we need to find out what happened to the others. We need to…" He trailed off as he saw something ahead that made him freeze. "Put on your belt," he ordered.
"Hey, I do not need fashion tips from the likes of you."
"Your safety belt, you idiot! Look ahead!"
Cat looked out the plexiglass viewscreen and saw the danger. "Is that what I think it is?"
"What do you think it is?"
"An orange whirly thing in space!"
"It's a time hole! That must be where they wound up. Can't believe we didn't see that… Good god… Okay… Remain calm. We're going in."
"Are you crazy? We can't go in there!"
"Why not?" Rimmer asked, hoping it was a credible reason.
"Orange? With this suit?"
Damn. Swallowing down his cowardice, he piloted the ship through the portal, and they travelled through the winding swirling tunnel until they found themselves arriving in a fog bank. Then it turned out the fog bank was a bunch of clouds. They managed to regain control of the flight controls and stabilized over the new location. Wherever they were, it was daytime, and it looked safe enough.
Rimmer leaned over and checked the readouts.
"Where are we…?" Cat breathed in awe.
"I don't believe this," Rimmer said, looking properly startled. "According to the Navicomp, this is Earth!"
They put the ship in its cloaked form and brought it in for a landing. The fact that they didn't crash was something of a miracle. Rimmer felt the pain in his body getting worse. He ribs felt like they'd been put through a cheese grater while his eye was throbbing. Plus, his uniform was thoroughly drenched by this mysterious sweat.
They stepped out onto the invisible embarkation stairs and looked outside.
Rimmer clutched his side and wiped the sweat off him. "Good god… What's happening to me?" he moaned.
Cat sniffed him warily, but he was surprised by the scent. "That's weird…," he said. "It doesn't smell like sweat. Smells like ordinary water."
Rimmer's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion before he experimentally ran a finger through the sweat on his forehead and tasted it, much to the Cat's disgust. His eyes widened. "You're right. It is just regular water… I'm sweating actual water?"
Cat could only shrug before straightening his sunglasses. "So what now?"
Remembering the task, Rimmer pulled out a homing beacon. "This should find their flight recorder," he said, aiming it round. "Let's see…" It lit up when he aimed it a lake. "Over there! Come on."
They made it down the steps without tripping once and headed over to the lake. Cat insisted on staying on dry land so he didn't spoil his outfit, reasoning that it didn't matter what Rimmer looked like as he was ugly no matter what. Forced to agree that he was already in a poor state already and his injuries might do better in the cool water, Rimmer waded down into the water. As he got in up to his neck, he felt better rather quickly. Pulling out a pair of swimming goggles – always be prepared – he ducked down and saw the other Starbug – still intact, but clearly having been there for a while. He swam down and got the airlock open. He looked around inside to find the ship slightly flooded and abandoned. Shaking his head, he took another deep breath and swam back out.
Cat was waiting for him when he broke through to the surface. "You find anything?" he called out.
"Found the ship, but they're not there anymore. Must've gotten tired of waiting for three weeks…" He waded out of the water, still feeling the pain in his chest getting progressively worse. He staggered weakly up to the beach, but something was amiss. Something had changed, and he couldn't put his finger on it.
Cat pointed it out to him. "You're dry," he said in bemusement.
Rimmer looked himself up and down. "… I am… That's weird."
They both looked at the water in confusion.
"So how do we find them now?" Cat asked.
Rimmer shrugged. "Well, if they're smart, they can't have gone far. We don't know anything about this place, so they'd keep close by. Let's go for a stroll and see if we can find them." Pain flared through him again, causing him to wince. "That is, if I don't keel over first."
They wandered off into the woods and took in the scenery. It did Rimmer's lungs some good to breath actual oxygen. Still, it was getting harder to walk with all his pain, and before he knew it, he could feel blood trickling down his nose. "Oh God, what's happening to me?" he moaned.
Cat saw a poster tacked to a tree and passed it to him. "Here. Wipe your nose with this."
Seeing no other option, Rimmer took it and dabbed at his leaking nostrils before he noticed the writing on the poster and the faces that came with it – Kryten and Kochanski wearing purple bowler hats and suits with comical grins on their faces. "It's them! Look!"
Cat took in the picture. "What is it?"
"Looks like an advert. Very glitzy. Sort of showbiz…"
"What language is this?"
"I'm not sure. I can't make heads or tails of…" But he trailed off when he saw the word at the bottom of the poster: "Eht". "That's the word 'the' written backwards," he said, going back along the text. Carefully reading it backwards, he managed to work out what it said. "The… Sensational… Reverse…Partners…," he managed. "Of course. They must've got an act going to make money while they were stranded here."
"Reverse Partners?" Cat repeated.
Rimmer looked around, trying to get his brain working despite the agony he was in. "It's making sense now… Think about it. Everything we've done so far… If you play it out in reverse, it starts to make sense."
"It does?"
"I slowly got wetter as the day went on until I was completely soaked. I went into the lake, and then I came out completely dry… Play that scene out in reverse."
Cat didn't care much for mental puzzles, but he tried all the same. "Er… you were dry, went into the lake, and came out completely soaked, and then… you dried out as the day went on…," he said, realizing the point as he spoke. "Oh…"
"It's backwards! This place we've arrived in – it's Earth where everything's in reverse! That must mean… these injuries I'm experiencing are from some sort of accident I'm destined to have… They've been healing in reverse. We just need to find whatever the accident is, put me through it, and hopefully, I'll come out all right," he moaned, dimly aware that he was about to collapse on the ground.
Cat helped him stand. "Come on. Let's go put you through great physical agony," he said cheerily.
They walked off through the woods, hoping that whatever the accident was, it would be nearby. Rimmer was clearly getting worse, and it wasn't going to improve until later. Soon, he was hunched over and relying on the Cat to help him walk. It wasn't until they made it out of the woods and found a bench near the road that they decided to stop. Rimmer simply couldn't walk anymore.
"I need to sit," he groaned, holding his bloody nose in his hand.
Cat sat with him, and then noticed a waste bin on the curb. Curious, he peaked inside, and he saw a large napkin soaked in blood. He reached inside and handed it to him. "Here," he said, passing it with disgust. "I found a few pints of your blood."
Rimmer grimaced but accepted that must be the case. He put the crinkled end up his left nostril, the worse one, and waited, presumably absorbing the blood back into his body. The pain was still getting worse, indicating that it was getting fresher. It made sense, though. After the accident, Cat had gotten him to this bench to rest and get strength back before going back to Starbug, and then the brief swim, and then going back to Red Dwarf to recuperate.
After sitting in increasing agony for another twenty minutes, the napkin was only half as blood-soaked as it had been when they found it. Then, to their surprise, a large white van came driving up the road in reverse, pulling up alongside them. They watched as a man got out, walked backwards, opened the rear doors and headed over to them, speaking in some sort of gibberish.
"What's with this dude?" Cat asked.
Rimmer blinked, and then he realized. "He must've given us a ride from the accident," he said, clutching his ribs.
The man came over and proceeded to take Rimmer over his shoulder. Cat did the same with his other arm, and they worked together to get the injured man into the van. Cat got in the back with him, and the driver said a few more things before climbing in and starting the van, driving in the opposite direction. Instinctively, Cat pointed at the receding bench and rapped on the side a few times to get his attention, and they were soon off.
Rimmer moaned in pain for a while longer, feeling every bump in the road keenly. The drive was an agonizing twelve minutes that just left him feeling worse and worse.
However, after a good long while, they came into a city, and soon, they were pulling up to a pub. Cat only had to glance out the windows to see that they were cleaning up some sort of mess. "Looks like we're here, bud," he announced. "Whatever it is that's going to cripple you for life, it's inside that building."
"Wonderful. Can't wait," Rimmer gurgled from the floor.
The driver got out and went round to the doors. He and Cat immediately set about pulling Rimmer out and finding a place for him. He was laid down on the sidewalk. Once again, purely on instinct, Cat began patting the man on the shoulder and saying things to him, asking for help, looking for all the world like a lost tourist trying to find directions, which is probably what the driver thought they were. Just a couple of lost tourists who'd gotten in trouble and needed help, so he took pity on them and drove them to safety.
Safety was something they needed. There were people shouting everywhere. Rimmer felt the pain was reaching a crescendo at that very moment when he noticed someone coming over with a small brush, and soon, they were sweeping small bits of broken glass onto his face and body. His bruised eye was so bad he couldn't see out of it, so his other one had to do double duty and look around. He saw the large broken window, and he figured what was going to happen soon. The person with the brush left, and began pulling over some burly-looking blokes who began shouting in gibberish and kicking him in the ribs with their steel-toed boots. He yelped in pain before realizing something vital – his ribs weren't broken anymore. He felt better!
"Hey, do that again!" he shouted.
This seemed to calm the man down, who kicked him again, this time in the face, and Rimmer's nose felt one hundred times better. The man then reversed back through the doors of the pub, and then, Rimmer saw the little bits of broken glass still on the pavement fly backwards into the air, and then, he found himself levitating and sailing after them. He braced himself as he sailed neatly through the window and into the pub, into the burly man's arms, along with the arms of his biggest mates. He staggered for a moment as they let him go, running backwards through the building. Realizing what he needed to do, he ran backwards after them, doing his best to not trip over anything.
When they arrived in the main dining room, Rimmer found himself surrounded by the men, who looked very angry as they suddenly sat down in their chairs. Then he saw another man standing to his left holding his mouth in agony. Rimmer saw blood rising up into his mouth and realized he must've punched the man. Shrugging, he waited for just the right moment, and as soon as the man dropped his hand, he punched him in the face, and his tooth reappeared. Then, the man grabbed Rimmer by his collar and looked at him threateningly. Rimmer felt the pain in his eye reaching a similar crescendo as his nose and ribs had just as the man suddenly punched him in the ocular region, pulling the black eye off him before letting him go and running backwards across the floor.
Cat came running up. "Man, I saw the whole thing! We got witnesses and everything!"
Rimmer, still in a daze, could only look on in wonder. "What the hell was that about?" he demanded. "He punched me, then I punched him back, then his mates over here chased me, threw me out the window, and then the biggest one broke my nose and ribs!"
Cat shrugged. "You must've done something to piss them off." Then, the feline felt something bubble in his stomach, and he clutched it for a moment, covering his mouth.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm not sure. Something… I think I'm gonna…" But that's as far as he got before he felt something rocket up his throat and erupt into the air. He managed to catch it in his hand, and he saw it was a lime slice, intact and presumably edible. The same thing happened again, yet another one came flying out of his mouth, and he caught it as well.
Rimmer then felt something unpleasant occur in his stomach as well, and he felt something come up his throat. He managed to catch whatever it was in his hand, and it turned out to be a slice of Shepard's pie, which he set down on the plate with the limes. A few seconds later, the man came walking backwards toward them. They quickly avoided him, and the man grabbed the plate and walked backwards towards the counter.
Rimmer could only stare after him in shock. "He got me beaten up because we ate his smegging pie?"
Cat shrugged. "Doesn't surprise me. It wouldn't take most people long to want to beat you up."
Before Rimmer could retort, he heard a familiar voice coming from behind. "Oh, Mr Rimmer, sir! Mr Cat! Imagine finding you here!"
They turned around and were startled to find Kryten waddling up behind them in a sparkling tuxedo and top hat.
"Mother of god," Cat moaned, unable to take his eyes off him. "As if he weren't ugly enough already…"
"Kryten, thank god," Rimmer sighed. "Where's Kochanski?"
"Backstage. You're just in time! The show's just about to end!"
Suddenly, the crowd broke into wild applause, and a corny jingle started playing. Kryten tipped his hat and walked backwards up to the stage, into the spotlight. He waved cheerfully to Rimmer and Cat before he began the show. To their surprise, Kochanski came running out of the wings, also in reverse, and together, they took a bow as the applause reached a crescendo and ceased abruptly.
Rimmer and Cat watched in a stupefied silence as the show proceeded in reverse. Kochanski and Kryten had somehow reprogrammed themselves to speak in reverse. Kochanski would announce whatever was going to happen, and Kryten would do the action forwards, much to the reverse amazement of the audience.
Thirty minutes later, it was all over, and they waved hello to the crowd before running backwards off the stage and into a dressing room while the owner came onstage and introduced them.
Minutes later, Rimmer and Cat had joined them. They sat around in a circle as everything was explained to them – the driving lesson gone wrong, the time hole, learning how to fit in, how they found their own poster and were subsequently fired into business, had a terrible first night, then quickly became smash hits.
"It's incredible," Kochanski was gushing. "This place is just amazing."
"It's more confusing than the Welsh translation of 'War and Peace'," Rimmer replied. "How can you want to stay here? It's crazy!"
"Once the shock wears off, you realize things make much more sense here. There's no death here. You start dead, have a funeral, spring back to life and progressively get younger until you're a newborn baby! Then you go back inside your mother, and she goes back inside her mother, and so on until we all become great big glorious whole!"
Rimmer bit his tongue and tried to think of a coherent argument. "Look, its fine for you. You're a hologram. You won't have to go through the effects. What about us? I'm thirty-two. In fifteen years, I'll be seventeen. I'll have to go through puberty in reverse. Just picture it."
Cat nodded in agreement. "Your gajimbas will rise back up into your body, and next thing you know, you're reshuffled in the choir as a tenor."
"And what about things like art? Things that, once created, can stand the test of time? Those will all be uncreated, undrawn and unpainted and be lost forever! And Christmas must be the most hated holiday here! The kids get toys, they're bored of them, they don't like them, but then, over a period of time, they start to love them and cherish them, and soon, they're there favorite toys in the world! Then along comes this fat bastard down the chimney and steals them!"
They argued the point for a few more minutes before they noticed the club manager heading in their direction. Kryten and Kochanski stood up immediately.
"Sorry, boys," she said breezily. "Duty calls."
The manager's face was nervous and awkward, but he was carrying a long sheet of paper. He handed it to Kryten, and then he handed him a pen.
"What's that?" Cat asked.
Kryten began reading it over, turning back to the table with Kochanski. His eyes widened as he realized. "Oh my goodness…"
"What is it?" Kochanski asked, wishing she could read the backwards script.
"It's… it's our contract. The one we saw tore up when we first got here."
"So?"
"So… he handed me a pen…"
Kochanski looked at him for a few moments before comprehension dawned, and she felt her hologrammatic stomach drop. "No…"
"I'm afraid so, ma'am. This is… this is the day we were hired…"
Rimmer and Cat looked on silently, neither sure what to say. They glanced at the manager, who was steadily becoming less and less impatient.
Kochanski looked at the manager, then at Rimmer, and then at Kryten. She sighed sadly. "Well… that's showbiz," she said quietly. "Un-sign it, Kryten."
"Right away, ma'am," the mechanoid replied. He moved the pen backwards across the dotted line, and the ink was absorbed back into it. The blank contract was handed to the manager, who resignedly walked backwards across the room towards his office.
Rimmer and Cat waited outside while Kryten and Kochanski begged for jobs, promising the manager that their act was truly remarkable and shouldn't be missed. They waited patiently until they finally came out of the pub looking downtrodden.
"Can we finally get home?" Cat demanded.
"Yeah," Kochanski said quietly. "We'll have to salvage the Starbug that we crashed in the lake, but yeah… let's get going."
"Right away, ma'am," Kryten agreed, waddling off ahead.
Rimmer and Kochanski brought up the rear. "You're looking well," she remarked.
"Yep. I'll say this much for this crazy place – you don't need health insurance."
"No death, disease, famine… It really could've worked."
"It really could've."
In amicable silence, they followed the others to a waiting car, which drove them backwards to their ship.