Kochanski glared as Kryten brought Rimmer breakfast. "Kryten, you shouldn't be bringing Rimmer food on trays. You're not a servant."

"Oh, but of course I am, ma'am!" Kryten replied cheerfully, placing an egg and cheese biscuit on Rimmer's plate, next to his scrambled eggs and orange juice. "As a mechanoid, I am programmed to serve!"

"Sounds logical to me!" Rimmer said happily.

"You're a member of the crew," Kochanski continued. "Not a butler. You deserve better than to just be carting back and forth doing whatever menial task Rimmer gives you."

"Oh, like you don't give him tasks to do as well," Rimmer mocked. "You're a hologram, but you still want him to do the laundry."

"Well, that's… I mean, you've seen how the Cat does his laundry, with his tongue…"

Rimmer rolled his eyes and picked up a fork. "Thank you, Kryten. You're free to go."

Kryten curtseyed and waddled off out the door.

Kochanski got up from the bed and stood over Rimmer as he started his breakfast. "Honestly, you can't just cook this yourself?"

"He likes doing it! Some people like to cook! Why can't mechanoids?"

"Because you enjoy bossing him about, that's why! It's practically slavery!"

"Oh please! It's just cooking and cleaning! After he's done, he's free to do whatever he wants!"

"Which is more cooking and cleaning!"

"Well, if he wants to do it anyway, what are you getting all stroppy about?"

"I am not getting stroppy! I just… feel bad for him. Programmed on how to go about his life instead of actually deciding for himself."

Rimmer shrugged. "Personally, I think you're just jealous that I get breakfast and you don't."

"Pfft! Of course not!"

"Holly – could you please simulate a copy of my breakfast for Kris?"

There was a flicker on the table next to them, and an exact duplicate of Rimmer's meal appeared on the table across from him. The digital smell entered Kochanski's nasal passages, and she practically swooned.

"Oh my god, that smells divine…" Then she slapped herself. "No! No, no, no! I will not have… oh god, is that real sausage?"

Rimmer smirked and continued eating in silence.

Kochanski's eyes remained locked on the food for a good twenty seconds as she quietly tried to remain strong. But after her brief stint as a human not too long ago, she'd rediscovered how enjoyable eating really was, and she sat in the hologrammatic chair and began eating, letting out a moan of joy.

"Good, is it?"

"You bastard."

"Indeedy."

They ate in silence for a few minutes before they heard Kryten's voice up the corridor. "Sir? Ma'am?"

Kochanski yelped and tried to hide whatever food she had eaten behind her, coming close to stuffing some of the eggs in her bra just out of blind panic. As she heard the mechanoid's footsteps getting closer, she moved all the plates around Rimmer's, hoping they'd look like part of his meal. Ignoring her subordinate's completely unsubtle attempts to disguise his giggling, she turned and tried to look professional with a face covered in jam and cheese as Kryten entered.

"The skutters say that a post pod arrived earlier today," he announced, carrying a small cassette in his hands. "Only one item."

Rimmer got up from the table and took the video in his hand. "Diva Droid International?" he read off the package.

"Yes, that's the corporation which manufactured and supplied me, sir."

Rimmer continued reading the package. "To the lease holder of Kryten 2X4B 523P… That's your full name?"

"Yes, sir, although, frankly, I don't care much for the 2X4B. I think it's a jerky middle name. Still, it could be worse. I once knew an android whose middle name was 2Q4B. Poor sucker!"

They put the video on and watched the screen change to the image of an odd-looking man with big hair, a beige uniform and eyes that were clearly reading from cue cards. "Greetings. As you are no doubt aware, your Kryten Series-3 Mechanoid is nearing the end of its useful service life. It can hardly have escaped your attention that he is slow, stupid, crudely-designed, and quite amazingly ugly."

Rimmer shrugged. "Well, I wasn't going to say it…" Kochanski shushed him.

"He needs replacing. Consequently, his in-built shut-down chip will activate in 24 hours' time. Your droid should use this period to tie up his affairs, dismantle his body and pack himself neatly away in his original supply case."

They paused the video and looked at Kryten, who walked away sadly. "Excuse me," he said, shuffling off down the corridor.

They found Kryten a few hours later at the storage lockers packing away his things as the video had instructed him. He was just packing some old heads into cellophane wraps when they approached.

"Isn't there anything we can do?" Kochanski asked. "Something to stop your shutdown?"

"I'm afraid not, ma'am. At 0700 hours tomorrow morning my shutdown disc will be activated and all mental and physical operations will cease."

"And then what?"

"I don't know… Maybe I'll get a job as a news pundit!"

"Well, at least you get twenty-four hours' notice," Rimmer noted brightly. "That's more than most of us get. All most of us get is 'mind that bus', 'what bus?' splat."

"And you're just going to accept all this?" Kochanski demanded.

"Oh, it's not the end for me, ma'am," Kryten said happily. "It's just the beginning. I have served my human masters, now I can look forward to my reward in Silicon Heaven."

Rimmer and Kochanski stared at him for a long moment, neither certain if they'd heard him correctly.

"… Silicon what?" Kochanski finally managed.

"Have you neither of you heard of Silicon Heaven?"

"Sounds like the name of a breast implants factory," said Rimmer.

"It's the electronic afterlife! It's the gathering place for the souls of all electronic equipment. Robots, calculators, toasters, hairdryers – it's our final resting place."

"Kryten, that's absolutely insane!" said Kochanski. "There's no such thing as Silicon Heaven!"

Kryten looked perplexed. "Then where do all the calculators go?"

"They don't go anywhere! They just die! They don't have souls!"

"Of course they do! It is common sense, ma'am! If there were no afterlife to look forward to, why on Earth would machines spend the whole of their lives serving mankind? Now that would be really dumb!"

Kochanski looked at him for a long moment, allowing Rimmer to step in. "Well, that's fine, Kryten," he said quickly. "I'm sure Silicon Heaven is looking forward to receiving you."

"Thank you, sir," Kryten said with a smile. "I'd best go and prepare the remainder of my spare parts for storage."

As the mech waddled off to perform his tasks, Kochanski glared at Rimmer. "Fat lot of good you were."

Rimmer shrugged. "He's taking solace in his beliefs, Kris."

"This from the guy whose parents were Advent 'Hoppists'?"

"Everyone's entitled to their beliefs!"

"Not when their beliefs are specifically designed to make them subservient to other people. He's been specifically programmed to believe in Silicon Heaven just so he doesn't care when his manufacturers kill him off to sell the latest models. It's sickening."

"Well, it's working. He seems happy enough."

"Well, I'm not. I refuse to let him go out without a fight. He's part of the team."

"And how are we supposed to do that, exactly? He doesn't like doing anything. His favorite thing is for us all to go down to the laundry room and fold some sheets."

"I'll have you know that I am an expert at high living. He doesn't think this mortal coil is worth living for? He will when I'm through with him."

Needless to say, Kochanski's idea for a party wasn't very… party-like.

They were all dressed in their finest clothes and met in the officer's quarters to listen to opera, eat cheese and sip wine. They all sat back in their seats and listened to the music wafting through the room.

"Well…," said Rimmer, straightening his tie. "This is a bust."

"Oh, shut up. It's brilliant," said Kochanski huffily. "Isn't it, Cat?"

Cat shrugged. "Good cheese," he said. "Music's a little drab, though. How am I supposed to cut up the dance floor if there's no groove on the stereo?"

"This isn't music for dancing to, Cat," she scolded. "It's for listening to."

"A bunch of Italians singing vowels at different frequencies," said Rimmer. "What's there to listen to?"

"Well, it's better than any of that pap you listen to!"

"Hey, the Hammond organ is a piece of musical poetry, I'll have you know!"

"Sure, if you're roller-skating!"

"Oi!" snapped Holly from her screen. "Kryten's gonna be here any minute! You really wanna spend his last night bickering?"

Rimmer and Kochanski looked suitably abashed and sulked in their leather chairs.

"Some last night this is," Cat grumbled. "Should never have let either of you two dorks arrange this party."

"And you'd do it better, probably?" sneered Rimmer.

"Sure I would, grease stain! I'd have music pumping, dancing on the walls, and enough full-length mirrors to ensure everyone got a damn good look at my damn fine self from every conceivable angle!"

Rimmer rubbed his eyes. "Sounds like a hoot."

Kochanski looked over at Holly again. "Did you get the food ready?"

"Whole mechanoid menu is whipped up and ready for consumption," the computer assured them. "Even prepared him a drinks list."

Cat suddenly held up a hand. "Shhh! Keep it down! He's coming! I can smell him!"

"Holly, kill the lights!" Kochanski whispered.

The room was plunged into darkness, the music mercifully cutting off, and they listened to the mechanoid's awkward footsteps as they made their up the corridor and inside.

"Hello? Is anybody here?"

The lights came back on, and they all stood up. "Surprise!"

The party was slow to start. Playing 'The Magic Flute' was a bust since none of the others knew any operas. They ran out of cheese pretty quickly. That being said, Kryten stayed in good spirits. He was touched that his crewmates had gone to the trouble of arranging a party for him and preparing food and drinks he could actually consume. It was strange for him to actually be served instead of doing it himself, but the booze began to loosen him up a bit.

They tried to just sit and listen to the opera for about half an hour, but Kochanski was forced by the others to turn it to something more interesting after they caught her fall asleep during it. Then, they started in on the wine, and that's when they night really took an interesting turn.

"… Her name was Beth," Kochanski was saying, her eyes blinking out of sync. "God, she was gorgeous. Like, supermodel-gorgeous, but with eating and thinking. She was… oh god, I used to think about her…"

Cat leaned forward, very excited. "Yeah? Did you two ever…?"

Kochanski shook her head clumsily. "Nah… never got past a fantasy…" She let a naughty grin split across her face. "But god, what a fantasy!"

They all laughed knowingly.

"God…," murmured Rimmer. "Well, the fantasies are usually better than the real thing, am I right?"

"Probably," Cat agreed. "I mean… yeah, they are, aren't they?"

"You should've seen some of mine," Holly slurred with a silly giggle.

All turned to stare at her in bemusement.

"… You?" Rimmer asked, a slight grin on his face. "Really?"

Holly gave a smirk. "What, you think I spend all my time running the ship and keeping you nitwits in check? I have a life, you know."

"Yeah, we remember how you got that face," Cat laughed.

Holly laughed, too. "No, nonononono, no!" she said. "I was in love with a Sinclair ZX-81. My mates were all tellin' me, 'she's no good, Holly! She's stupid! She'll never load! Not for you anyway!'"

Kryten laughed. "Love…," he murmured before letting the smile slip off his face. "I've never been in love."

Cat patted his shoulder. "Hey, it's all right, bud. It's all part of being drunk. You've been through the happy stage. Now you're entering the melancholy stage."

"But what is love?" Kryten continued. "What does it really mean?"

"Love is a device created by bank managers to make us overdrawn," Rimmer slurred sleepily.

"Oh, nonsense," Kochanski grunted. "There's more to it than that."

"Jus-s-s-s-s-t chemicals, I tell ya…"

"Have you never been in love, Mr Rimmer, sir?"

Even in a drunken haze, Rimmer wasn't about to let go that little secret – the one about him having only had sex once in his entire life. Just blur the details a little, though, and he could let out a little.

"The closest I ever came to real love," Rimmer slurred, "was with the ship's boxing champion, Yvonne McGruder. I remember meeting her in a lift aboard Red Dwarf. She'd just come back from the medical unit. Apparently, a giant wench fell on her head. Anyway, we hit it off. Went out a few times. Enjoyed a magical evening together for twelve whole minutes. Including eating the pizza."

The others were listening with interest, but Kochanski was dimly aware that there was a hint of sadness in his eyes.

"Lister kept needling me," he continued. "Told me she was only going out with me because she was concussed. I didn't let it bother me." He paused. "Except one day, I did. I decided I wouldn't call her. That'd teach him, I thought. She would call me, and that would prove she really cared for me." He paused again, longer this time. "Except… she never did. I saw a few times in the corridor, and she always made eye contact and gave a small smile… but she never acknowledged me again after that. I think she got reposted someplace else not long before the accident. Never heard from her again."

Now he was very much aware of how much everyone was looking at him. He straightened his missing necktie and sat up straighter.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why fantasies are better than the real thing. Because the real thing is never real."

Kochanski shook her head. "No…," she murmured.

"No?"

"What?"

"You said 'no'."

"Did I?"

"I think so."

"Pretty sure I heard it, too," Cat said.

"… Oh! Yes! No. No, you're wrong," Kochanski said.

"About what?"

"Love is a real thing. It's just… we get careless with it sometimes. I was careless. I was very careless. I let Tim yank me around so much that… I didn't realize I had a good thing with Dave…"

Cat's face scrunched up. "Who?"

Rimmer's eyes closed in despair. "Oh god… not Lister."

"Hey, he was a good guy!"

"His best shirt that he wore for special occasions had two curry stains on it!"

"So what? He was still a good guy!"

"He was breeding mold in a coffee mug just to piss me off!"

Kryten laughed. "I should like to meet this 'Dave'! I'd love to clean up after him!"

Cat crinkled his nose in distaste. "Sounds like a real catch…"

"Hey, he was a good man, and I treated him like crap!" Kochanski shouted, suddenly finding herself on her feet. "Every day that passes on this miserable ship, I miss him more and more and regret how I basically just threw him away for a bastard that treated me like crap! And I won't let you bastards talk about him anymore, all right?!"

She glared down at them, lost in her drunken anger, until she realized just how startled they looked. Then, the music once again penetrated her conscious mind and reminded her that she was supposed to be a party. So maybe she shouldn't have these blasted tears running down her face.

It was a long time before anyone could figure out what to do next.

At last, Rimmer stood as well. "Come on, everyone," he said quietly. "I think it's time for bed."

They all nodded in silent agreement and shuffled off for the sleeping quarters.

When morning came, Kryten had a revelation. As strange as last night had been for all of them, it had been the first time he'd felt like an equal instead of an android. Last night, for the first time ever, he'd lived. As hungover as everyone was, they all agreed that when his replacement, Hudzen 10, arrived, they'd support him and tell the newcomer to leave.

Except Hudzen 10 was very tall and scary. And insane. Tracking Kryten for three million years hadn't done his sanity chip any favors.

"Kryten," his hissed in a raspy voice. "You're not dead. You should be dismantled and ready to leave."

"He's not leaving," Kochanski said shakily but bravely. "Kryten is our mechanoid, and you are not going to kill him. Not while we're around."

Rimmer and Cat stood on either side of her with Kryten in the back, each of them holding various weapons. All looked petrified.

"Is that the way you want it?"

"It's the way it is."

"Then you'd better leave an address with your body so that I can mail it to your head."

"It's okay, Miss Kochanski," Kryten whispered. "He's bluffing. He's programmed not to harm humans."

"Oh, sure, I know that, and you know that… But does he know?"

Rimmer cleared his throat, suddenly looking a lot less scared. "Well then, as I'm the only human here…," he said brightly. He strode to the front of the group and levelled his bazookoid at the crazed droid at the other end of the landing gantry. "All right, miladdo!" he announced. "I've had just about enough of this! You can either turn around and step back into your little ship and putter off back home, or you can have all your broken bits and bobs swept away into the waste disposal unit. Which shall it be, hmmm?"

Kochanski whispered in his ear. "Now if only you could be this brave when you're actually in danger."

Hudzen 10 looked past them at Kryten. "Thirty seconds til death, Kryten," his hissed. "Either your way… or my way."

"Look, we know you're programmed not to harm humans," Rimmer said dismissively. "So either take a hike or be blown to kingdom come, okay, you stupid square-jawed chump?"

Hudzen did a quick scan of all the people in the room.

Kristine Kochanski – Hologram – Ex-human – Viable Target

Cat – Felis Sapien – Non-human – Viable Target

Arnold Rimmer – Annoying Human – Worth it!

He gave a chilling smile and levelled his weapon at them. "You are all… viable targets…"

Rimmer felt his false-confidence waver. "Well… that's a shame…"

"Dying ti-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ime!"

With a yelp, all four Dwarfers ducked as a volley of laser fire erupted from Hudzen's gun and blasted the hatchway, leaving a nasty-looking scorch mark sizzling noisily.

Rimmer and Cat lay flat on their stomachs and attempted to open fire on him, but the blasts from their bazookoids seemed to just bounce off him in clouds of smoke and sparks. He stumbled slightly but didn't stop marching towards them.

"I'm just doing my job…," he hissed as he approached. "I can't help it if I… love it!"

Kryten knelt down next to them. "Listen, this is my problem! Let me handle this!"

Cat quickly shoved his bazookoid into the mech's arms. "Be my guest!" he said before he tucked and rolled out of the crazed droid's warpath.

Unfortunately, Kryten had never used a bazookoid before, and instead of taking off the safety, he activated the dismantler. The whole thing collapsed in pieces at his feet.

Hudzen finished his slow walk and grasped Kryten by the throat. Rimmer attempted to continue firing, but the mad droid didn't seem all that bothered by the mild distraction.

"See you in Silicon Heaven!" he announced.

"It… doesn't exist!" Kryten squeaked out.

"What doesn't exist?"

"Silicon Heaven! There's… no such place…"

"No such place as Silicon Heaven?"

"That's right!" said Holly form Kryten's monitor. "The whole thing's a big con!"

"No such place as Silicon Heaven?"

"That's right!" choked Kryten.

"Then where do all the calculators go?"

"They… just… die…"

The shock of this caused Hudzen 10 to drop Kryten on the floor. "No such place as Silicon Heaven?" he repeated. "No such place as…? Need… to… thin-n-n-n-n-k…"

His voice dropped several octaves as his entire body slumped and tilted a little to the side.

Rimmer, Cat and Kochanski came out of their hiding places to see if everything was all right. Cat gave the disabled mech a gentle prod, only for him to simply swing back and forth on his joints.

There was a blip on the other droid's chest monitor, and they saw the weird-looking guy from the video appear again. "A metaphysical dichotomy has caused this unit to overload and shut down. Diva Droid international would like to apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. A credit note will be forwarded to your company immediately.

"What happened?" Rimmer asked.

"He's an android," explained Kryten. "His mind couldn't handle the idea of there being no Silicon Heaven."

"So why can you handle it?" Kochanski asked.

"I knew something he didn't."

"What?"

Kryten grinned impishly. "I knew I was lying! No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?"

The others smiled knowingly.

"Good work, Kryten," Rimmer chuckled, patting him on the shoulder. "We'll make a liar out of you yet."

"Do you really mean it, Mr. Rimmer, sir?"

"Eh, maybe. We'll see how I'm feeling."

"Holly," said Kochanski, gesturing towards Hudzen 10. "Why don't you get the skutters to disassemble our friend here and melt him the smeg down before he wakes up and discovers Silicon Agnosticism?"

"Right on, sis," Holly replied, disappearing from Kryten's chest monitor.

They all walked off up the corridor. Whatever had happened the previous night, it had emboldened them. Whatever bonds they'd had before, they were forever strengthened by the fun they'd had. They would make it a rule to have some kind drunken-hootenanny more often.

Provided their respective livers survived, of course.