The next several months were fairly uneventful for the Dwarfers, save for one particularly annoying factor – Kryten wanted to learn how to lie. Kochanski thought it was worthwhile to teach him, seeing as how it would make him an individual with his own moral code, rather than simply following the moral code that had been uploaded into his brain by his manufacturers. Unfortunately, that pesky Diva Droid manufacturing software was very difficult to break.

Cat was no help, of course, because he couldn't be bothered. Rimmer only helped because he was ordered to, having to press various buttons and hold things up on her behalf. He didn't care for helping Kryten do anything – he was a droid, dammit – but orders were orders. At least, that's what he was finding increasingly difficult to tell himself.

Also, he was half-certain she was just doing this to make him sit through Casablanca several times. He still couldn't stand this film. Lister used to watch it all the time, and it drove him spare. Many a time, as soon as he heard the Warner Brothers theme warm up, Rimmer would remember something he needed to do and skedaddle out of the sleeping quarters. Sure, it was probably just Lister's way of announcing he wanted the place to himself, but if it meant escaping that godawful film one more time, Rimmer was happy to leave him to it.

Kochanski, however, wouldn't let him leave the cinema. He was to sit here and watch it with her and Kryten. The whole point was to show an example of how lying could be noble. It had taken all his strength to not roll his eyes so hard they flew out of their sockets. God, this film was trite. The only character he felt any connection with was Captain Renault. The man was following orders blindly, selling people out, and managed to get his gambling winnings before shutting the place down for gambling. What a guy.

Of course, he was annoyed when, at the climax, he covered for Rick when he shot Strasser, and they apparently go off to fight Nazis together.

"He had a spark of human decency," Kochanski said, unable to help giggling at Rimmer's frustration that the only character he liked had turned on him. "He helped Rick because he cared about his country."

"He covered for the man who shot his commanding officer! What kind of an officer does that?"

"A human one. You should try it sometime."

Lying lessons didn't improve over time. Kryten still wasn't getting it. He understood the concepts well enough. It was actually achieving them that eluded him. It simply wasn't in his programming.

"So why were you able to 'lie' to Hudzen 10 about Silicon Heaven?" Kochanski asked.

"I'm not sure, ma'am. In the moment, it seemed the only thing I could do."

"Self-preservation, most likely," Holly suggested. "In a moment of great danger, they say all other instincts fall to the wayside so you can basically weasel your way out of trouble."

"Sounds plausible to me," Rimmer agreed. "It is how I win most fights."

Kochanski snorted. "Oh please. Doing your roadrunner impression is not winning a fight. Dave told me about what happened when you two had planet leave on Miranda."

"I could've got hurt!"

"Then don't call someone a necrophiliac to his face!"

Cat rolled his eyes from the nearest bunk he was trying to nap on. Damn monkeys, interrupting his snooze time. "So what's the lesson here? Freak Face can only lie when he's about to die?"

"Sounds like a reasonable plan to me," said Rimmer. "We could strap him to the conveyor belt before the garbage compactor and switch it on. See if he can lie before he's crushed to death."

Kryten smiled awkwardly. "Well, if you think that will help, sir…"

"No!" Kochanski groaned, rubbing her eyes. "We shouldn't have to almost kill him to make him lie. It needs to come naturally. From within. We'll have to find another sort of 'inspiration' for him."

And so, Kryten was a bit dejected in the days that followed. He went about his duties, feeling sort of down. Not even folding sheets was enough to really put some pep back in his weird waddling step. He was beginning to lose hope that he'd ever be able to lie effectively.

Kochanski gave the order that the others were not to order him about at all. If he was going to do anything around here, it had to be his decision. Rimmer, of course, hated this, but he was forced to agree.

One day, he was picking out the Starbug keys from the junk drawer when Kochanski poked her head into his quarters. "Where are you off to with those?"

Rimmer blinked. "… I'm just grabbing Starbug's keys and taking them to the cinema. It's our first date, and I'm so nervous." He scowled. "I'm going moon-hopping."

She scowled in return. "Fine. But take Kryten with you."

"Kryten? With me? What for? It's not my turn to babysit him."

"Because I'm sick of him moping around with nothing to do all day. A trip might cheer him up."

"Ah, but does he want to go? You can't just order him to go! That'd be against your orders!"

"Don't think of it as an order. Think of it as an invitation. Come on, Rimmer. He needs to get out. Have some fun. Stop looking for laundry to fold."

"Spoken like a woman who doesn't have any laundry to do."

Kochanski smiled winningly. "Come on, Rimmer. Please…?" She batted her eyelashes at him.

Rimmer's face contorted in disgust. "Oh god, no. Stop that. So many kinds of wrong."

"Not until you say yes!" she said, going into a full on pout now.

Rimmer tried to look away, but his eyes caught her reflection in the mirror and he caved. "Fine…," he hissed. "But you owe me big for this."

So that was how Rimmer and Kryten found themselves onboard Starbug, flying from around to look at moons.

Rimmer tried to keep things interesting. He had out his sketchbook and was trying to use his wide variety of colored pencils to capture the appearance of one moon they were in orbit around. He usually found the activity relaxing. Right now, he was ready to chuck Kryten out the airlock. The moronic droid was constantly puttering around, looking for things to do. In the five hours they'd been out and about, he'd alternated between tidying up and sitting silently at the co-pilot's controls.

Rimmer attempted to bite his tongue, but it was growing increasingly difficult. "Kryten, would you mind doing something a tad less intrusive? Perhaps firing yourself out of an airlock at an asteroid? It might be fun to draw…"

Kryten was quiet for a moment. Then, he declared, "Sir, you're a smeeeee!"

Rimmer blinked. "I'm a what?"

"You're a smeeeeee heeeeee!"

"A smeeee heeeee?" he repeated.

"A complete and total one!"

Oh god, the poor thing was trying to say 'smeghead'. On the one hand, being called a smeghead by an android was infuriating, but on the other, if he could pull off saying an insult, maybe Kochanski would consider that enough progress to let him start bossing him around again.

"No, sorry, still not getting it," he fibbed.

Kryten looked so frustrated. "You're a… a… smeeeee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e… heeeeeeeeaaaaaaa…"

Rimmer shook his head. This was getting depressing. "Nope, I don't speak that… whatever foulness is coming out of your vocal software."

"Smeeeee-e-e-e-e-eeeeee hea-a-a-a-a-a-d…"

Before they continue, they heard a rather looney-tunes-esque sound come from the console. "Sorry to interrupt the singing lesson, chaps," Holly deadpanned, "but we're picking up a plaintive distress call from a nearby planet."

Kryten checked the console. "I copy that, Holly," he replied, checking the controls. Quadrant four-niner-seven."

"What is it?" asked Rimmer, putting away his sketchpad.

"Hard to tell," Holly said, "but whatever it is, it appears to be marooned on a planet in decaying orbit."

"What's the safety margin?"

"The planet will explode in about two hours."

Rimmer immediately shook his head. "Forget it. It's too dangerous. We'll pilot away from here," he said, taking the helm.

"We can't just abandon them, sir! There may be survivors!" Kryten objected.

Rimmer raised an eyebrow at him. "Survivors? All the way out here? Three million light-years into deep space, and you think someone's still alive out here? That distress beacon could've been sent out ages ago!"

"We won't know until we check!"

"We're not checking! We're going back to Red Dwarf!"

Kryten looked so indignant, it looked like his ears would start smoking. "Sir, with the deepest respect, you are such a weaselly little self-preserving coward! You'd risk letting innocent people die just to save your own pathetic worthless hide, you … you … toad of a man!"

Rimmer blinked. "… I don't think that was with the 'deepest respect'."

"Smeeeeeee… heeeeeee! Oh damn my programming!" Kryten groaned, pressing buttons at the control panel.

Rimmer watched Kryten work in a mixture of fury and wonder. So that was what it took to force the mech to override his own programming. It was almost… inspiring? He didn't even know if that was the right word. He found himself being pressed against his seat as Starbug careened downwards towards the planet.

With the strictest instructions to Holly to 'keep the engine running', Rimmer grumpily followed Kryten out onto the planet. The atmosphere was a bit thin, but with a small oxygen canister attached to his back, he was able to survive all the way to the ship, which still had auxiliary power, providing just enough clean oxygen.

"Right," Rimmer said sternly. "We've got ninety minutes before the planet explodes. That leaves us with barely an hour to search the ship, find anyone and get out of here with ample time to get a safe distance away. You'd better have found a damn survivor in time."

Kryten nodded and scurried off in one direction.

Shaking his head despairingly, Rimmer went off in another. He cursed under his breath. How the hell was he letting Kryten get away with this crap? He was a mechanoid, a machine, and machines don't tell their superiors what to do. He was a robotic lavatory attendant, for mercy's sake. His parents would disown him if he hadn't already disowned them.

He checked in a few abandoned rooms. Nothing really interesting here. The whole place was a mess. Nothing worth writing home about. He climbed over the debris and further into the ship. The massive fallen bulkheads weren't giving him a good feeling about eventually having to run back to Starbug. Too many things to potentially trip over.

After about twenty minutes of just looking around and occasionally remembering to call out, Rimmer was about ready to just quit, go back and ditch Kryten out of petty payback when he saw a room that was slightly lit up. Perhaps it had been in use recently. He stepped inside and saw it was some sort of personal quarters, from the various knickknacks and stuff lying around. No bedding or chairs of any kind, though, which was odd. He dug through and found a few papers on the very low desk.

They seemed like papers he'd seen in the science lab. Official-looking crap that were terribly dull to look at. Equations and formulas that just gave him unhappy flashbacks to astro-navigation revision. The only word he had any grasp for was a name – 'Hector'.

Then, he noticed another piece of paper crumpled up on the floor. Curious, he tossed the documents and unfolded the sheet. To his surprise, it was a letter that had been printed from a computer. Seemed bits of it had been torn off, including the first few words, but there was enough that he could get the gist of it.

"… will find a way, my love. I promise I will never give up finding a way, and then, we can finally have our life together. Have faith in me. I have never lost faith in you. Eternally yours, Hector."

Great. Some soppy love letter. He tossed it in the corner and exited the room.

Then, off in the distance, he heard a crash of some sort, followed by the sound of Kryten calling out for help. Groaning with frustration, he began the long and exhausting process of hurrying over. It took another twenty minutes to get back where he'd started, and then another ten trying to find the exact path where Kryten had gone down.

Imagine his surprise when he walked in on the mechanoid leaning in very close with what appeared to be a woman in a red uniform.

"Kryten, what's going on?" he demanded.

The two pulled apart, looking very startled. "Mr. Rimmer, sir!" he exclaimed. "I've found the survivor! This is Camille! She saved my life, sir!"

Rimmer stared at the woman, and much to his surprise, he was immediately smitten. "Well, yes…," he murmured. "… Howdy."

She smiled vacuously in response. "Howdy," she replied.

"Quickly, sir!" Kryten said urgently. "We still have just enough time to return to Starbug!"

"Right, come on, then!" Rimmer agreed. "Let's all get out of here! I'll call the others!"

"Oh dear, there are others?" asked Camille, seeming afraid.

"Yes, a couple others," Kryten replied. "You'll like them… Maybe."

"I don't think I should. Things are already complicated enough with two of you here…"

"Nonsense!" Rimmer insisted, not about to let the first woman to smile genuinely at him in centuries go. "We can't just leave you here!"

"Agreed!" said Kryten. "Come along, Camille! I promise you'll feel better once you're aboard Red Dwarf!"

"Not that anyone ever has, but never mind…"

Camille looked reluctant, but neither wanted to leave without her, so she finally relented and allowed herself to be rescued.

Kochanski was relieved when they finally returned safely. Holly had directed her to the medical unit, wherein she found Kryten giving the sole survivor a checkup.

"So what the hell happened out there?" she demanded. "Did you find any…?"

She trailed off when she saw a young man with an 'H' emblazoned on his forehead sitting on the bench, giving her a pleasant yet somehow still desirable smile.

"Ah, Miss Kochanski!" Kryten said. "This is our guest, Camille."

Kochanski was still openly staring at the hologrammatic man on the bench. "… Hi," she finally managed.

He smiled back. "Hi."

"Well, if you'll excuse me," Kryten said cheerily. "I'll go prepare your quarters. The penthouse suite on A Deck should suffice!"

He walked merrily away, leaving the Kochanski and Camille alone together.

"So…," Kochanski began. "Your name's Camille?"

"Yep."

"Now… not to be judgmental, but isn't that kind of a… girl's name?"

He gave her a wry smile. "You're really living up to the old adage, 'you only get one chance at a first impression'."

She smiled awkwardly. "Sorry, I'm just… It's just amazing to meet another hologram. What were you doing all the way out here?"

"Well, you know how it is. Couldn't hail a taxi. Nowhere to cash a check. It happens."

"Laugh a minute, aren't you?"

Camille shrugged. "Well, the ship crashed. I was brought online to tend to things. Been doing my best to survive for the last few years."

"How did you manage?"

"Well, I still had access to the ship's entertainment library. Finally got to catch up on all those great films I always meant to watch, listen to some great music…"

"Oh, I love music," Kochanski smiled, glad to have something to latch onto. "What kind do you listen to?"

"I like to keep my interests varied. A little bit of rock, a little bit of jazz, but… well…"

"What?"

"Okay, promise not to laugh."

"Why?"

"Because my favorite is… opera."

Kochanski lit up. "I love opera, too!"

"Really? So many people don't get it!"

"Oh, there's nothing like sitting back with a glass of wine and some cottage cheese and a night with Madame Butterfly."

Camille chuckled. "Well, let's not get carried away. I mean, I still enjoy the odd night of Zero-G Football, you know?"

"And you were so close to being perfect."

"Hey, I wasn't always like this! I had to learn how to appreciate opera! I bet you could learn to appreciate Zero-G if you tried."

Kochanski rolled her eyes, but the smile was still in place. "Well… I suppose… I mean, it'd be nice to have some new company around here."

"Not a fan of Kryten and Rimmer?"

"In small doses, they're nice enough… Very small doses. Miniscule, even. Still, it's nice to have someone onboard who… knows what this is like, you know? Being a hologram. Not technically existing."

"Wandering around the corridors like an electronic ghost who can't do anything but talk to himself because he can't do anything else?" Camille finished.

Kochanski blinked. "Well… yes, actually. That's it exactly."

There was a long silence as they just stared into each other's eyes.

Finally, she broke contact. "Sorry, I just… it's been a very long time since I… well, anything with a man."

"It's okay," Camille said, backing off. "It's been a long time for me, too."

"I just… I just met you. I don't know anything about you. I mean, a shared love of classical music does not a relationship make, you know?"

"Absolutely. We gotta keep this strictly professional."

"Totally agree."

"Good."

"Right."

"…"

"…"

"So… does that mean I shouldn't change into my Spiderman costume?" he asked with a wink.

Kochanski's mouth fell open in shock, but when she saw the adorable grin on his face, she couldn't help but laugh. She felt really good, able to unwind almost instantly in front of this guy. There was something about him. Something stirring in her memory. It was almost the way she'd felt with…

"Ah, Miss Kochanski!" Rimmer said as he walked into the medical bay. "I see you've met our ravishing guest!"

Kochanski's eyebrows rose in amusement. "'Ravishing'?" she repeated. "That's an interesting word, given the context."

"Camille, have you seen Kryten?"

"He went up to the Penthouse Suite on A Deck," Camille replied.

"Thanks muchly. Oh, Camille. It's just a silly thought, but I thought perhaps once you're settled in and you're feeling up to it, we could pop up to the projection room, and I could talk you through my photo collection of twentieth-century telegraph poles."

Kochanski smirked. "Never a dull moment with you, eh, Rimmer? Might want to give him a shot of Novocain to keep him awake through that."

Rimmer blinked in confusion. "Keep who awake?"

"Camille!"

"But you said 'him'."

"Yeah…?"

"But Camille's a woman."

Kochanski laughed abruptly. "A woman? Rimmer, are you insane? He's sitting right in front of you!"

"She's sitting right in front of me, yes! Long dark hair, light complexion, very nicely-fitted red uniform…"

"No, he's sitting right here, short brown hair, dark skin, kind of rumpled-clothing…"

"But… Kryten never referred to Camille as 'him'. He distinctly said, 'This is Camille. She saved my life.'"

There was a long silence as they both began to realize how this argument was going and what it was about. Slowly, they both turned to look at the rather embarrassed-looking Camille sitting on the bench and began to back away from her.

"I knew it," Rimmer muttered. "I knew it was too good to be true."

"Well, so did I," Kochanski agreed. She approached Camille and glared him/her in the eye. "What's the game? Who are you?"

"I'm Camille," he/she said quietly.

"What are you?"

He/she sighed sadly. "… I'm a Pleasure GELF."

It transpired that GELF stood for Genetically Engineered Life Form. She was created on Earth to become the perfect mate of whoever saw her. They sent the Cat in just for the hell of it, and he naturally saw himself. Holly claimed not to see anything, believing she had no desires – or her screen was foggy, whichever. Thankfully, she wasn't dangerous and wanted nothing from them. She was so upset over the pain she caused them that no one had the heart to be angry – except the Cat, but his attention span was short enough it didn't matter.

Camille seemed to feel especially guilty for lying to Kryten, seeing as how he was new to these emotions. At his insistence, she switched to her true form – a slimy lumpy green blob with one flailing tentacle and one eye. While she was ashamed of her appearance, Kryten still liked her and invited her out to dinner, much to her delight.

While Kryten was getting ready, however, Rimmer stewed in his quarters. This was what he got for getting his hopes up. He tried to find something to take his mind off it – drawing, mostly – but it was no good. The worst part was, he wasn't angry. He knew logically it wasn't her fault. It was just a thing that had happened.

Rimmer rolled over on his bunk. Kryten going on a date with a Pleasure GELF. It really did take all sorts to make an empty godless universe.

But then, he remembered something from earlier that day. The room he'd been in with the papers. The crumpled up love letter from…

He got up and made his way across the habitation decks to the Penthouse Suite on A Deck. It was massive, like a mansion, but he didn't take the time to look at it. He just walked straight through to the washroom.

Camille was slithering back and forth, no doubt worrying about the date. She looked up and saw him enter, startling her. "Oh, Arnold!" she gasped. "I didn't expect to see you here! Is… everything all right?"

Rimmer looked at her for a long moment, wishing she had a normal face that he could read. "Yeah, Kryten's just getting ready for your… date."

"Oh… Okay… Listen, I hope you're not too upset. I mean, I didn't mean for anything to happen. It's just the way I'm engineered."

"… Who's Hector?"

He wasn't sure, but Rimmer could swear her green skin went pale in that moment. "… What?"

"While we were exploring your ship, I found that crumpled note in an old lab. Someone named Hector sending a pathetically disgusting love letter to someone. About how he never lost faith and how we was going to 'help' someone. That someone wouldn't happen to be you, would it?"

Camille looked at him for a long moment before her single eyestalk drooped downwards in shame. It was one of the saddest things Rimmer had ever seen in his life, and it was almost enough to make him regret coming here. But he wanted some answers.

"Look," he said slowly, "I'm not trying to cause trouble or anything, but… well, I'm worried. If Hector is some long gone jilted ex-lover who's become ancient history, then it's fine. I just…"

"He's my mate."

Rimmer's expression didn't change, but he felt the rest of his face sag. "… Your… what?"

"Well, we're androgynous, but for the most part, he's my… I guess 'husband' or 'partner' is the right word here…"

"You're… You're with someone else… and… you're going on a date with Kryten!"

"I know! I'm sorry! But I haven't heard from Hector in a very long time! I left him years ago!"

"Why did you leave him? Is he dangerous?"

"Quite the contrary. He wouldn't hurt a fly. But after so many years of helping him to find a cure for our condition, I became disillusioned from waiting so long and left."

"Your condition? You mean… he's a blob, too?"

"Yes. We're both stuck as Pleasure GELFs. We're both miserable in our genetic state. He's been studying for years how to make us 'normal'. I don't know if that means we won't be blobs anymore, but it'll mean that people will simply see us and not their ideal mate. So we can finally be in peace."

Rimmer took this in. "So… he's still out there somewhere."

"Perhaps. But it's too late. I've met Kryten, and I want to see if we can have a future together." She slithered towards him imploringly. "Please don't tell him. I know I hurt you, Arnold, but please, don't make me lose Kryten."

Rimmer momentarily reflected how sad it was that the mechanoid was getting more action than him.

But when he saw Camille's single eye welling up with salt water, he relented. "Very well," he said quietly. "I won't tell him."

"You swear?"

"I swear."

She had no expression, but he liked to think that she was smiling at him. "Thank you, Arnold. Thank you so much."

Rimmer nodded and left without another word. He was still reeling from the revelation. Camille had a… husband, or whatever you wanted to call him. What was he supposed to do with this information? Tell Kryten? Let him know what he was getting into? Tell Kochanski, for the simple task of venting?

Later that evening, Rimmer was still walking around the ship. He was so tempted. He hated keeping enormous secrets like this. Especially ones that could potentially upset someone else. He loved that moment when he delivered the bad news and he got to watch their faces implode, not unlike a collapsing building. That moment when they thought everything was fine, only for the bad news to act like the detonator and cause the bottom of the building to come crashing down. The same thing happened to their faces. The whole expression came crashing down into a mixture of shock, anger and sorrow. It was always fascinating to watch.

Now, Rimmer didn't really know what to do. The thoughts of Camille and what she'd revealed about Hector kept swirling around in his head like a stuck flush mechanism on a public toilet. He didn't know what to do with any of this. Kryten had looked so happy, about to walk off into his date. The information might crush him.

Rimmer shook his head. Since when did he care about how Kryten felt? He was a mechanoid, and he was supposed to be mopping floors and doing laundry anyway. Not gallivanting off on dates with blobs. Machines don't go on dates.

He found himself standing outside Parrot's Bar – and boy, that was a dumb name – and peered through the half-open door at the scene inside. He could hear music playing. Romantic music. The kind that made him want to take the ship's sound system back in time just so he could throw it at whatever gimboid had written it in the first place.

He poked his head inside and tried to adjust his eyes to the dim lights. There was a disco ball spinning on the ceiling – stupid JMC cutbacks – and an abandoned table and two chairs with finished… something that resembled food. Clearly, Holly had broken out the mechanoid cookbook for the occasion. He looked around some more, and then he found them.

Kryten and Camille, locked together in the embrace of a slow dance. Kryten had his arms around her, probably ruining the black jacket he was wearing with her putrid green slime, and she had her eyestalk nuzzled against his neck, which had to be uncomfortable given how cold and metal it was. But Rimmer noticed most of all was how utterly content they looked. Completely at peace with the world around them.

And he had just been psyching himself up to go in there and ruin it just so he could see the look on Kryten's face.

He stood there for a long time, rooted to the spot, but eventually, he regain control of his motor skills and turned back the way he'd come. It was probably time for bed anyway.

When he awoke the next day, he walked into the Drive Room to find a dejected Kryten sitting in a chair being consoled by Kochanski and Holly.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Camille is gone," Kochanski explained quietly.

"She's… what?"

"She had a husband," said Kryten. "Another Pleasure GELF named Hector. Apparently, he's been working on a cure for their conditions for years."

Rimmer tried his absolute best to look blown away by this bit of news. "Oh… That's… terrible. I'm… sorry?"

Kochanski rolled her eyes. "Empathy's never been your strong suit, has it, Rimmer?"

Kryten shook his head. "It's okay, sir. Hector came looking for her, to ask her to come back to him. She was going to stay with me, but… I thought it best that she return to him. They need each other more than I need her. She can't just throw everything they had away just because of some mechanoid she knew for almost twenty-four hours. Going with Hector was her best shot at happiness."

Rimmer thought about that. "So… you lied to her then?"

Kryten gave a bitter smile. "I did. I can finally lie properly now, you total smeghead."

Despite himself, Rimmer couldn't help but smile in return. "Great. Now the talking toilet cleaner's insulting me. I've truly sunk lower than low."

Kochanski grinned. "And you thought Casablanca was a waste of time."

A little later, Kochanski and Kryten had departed, but Rimmer stayed behind to keep an eye on a few things and to ruminate in his thoughts.

Holly appeared on the monitor nearby. "You were lying, too, you know," she said.

"Eh?"

"I'm the ship's computer. Most things going on within this place, I know about it. Camille told you about Hector before."

Rimmer squirmed. "So what if she did?"

"So… you deliberately withheld information to help someone."

"So?"

"So… maybe you have more in common with Louis than you thought."

"Oh, smeg off, you goit."

Holly laughed. "I'm a what?"

"You heard."

But the computer was still chuckling. "Oh, Arnold… I think this is the beginning of beautiful friendship."

Rimmer responded with a v-sign, but the tiniest hint of a smile was still visible behind the two fingers.