Author's Notes: Oh man, I tell ya, this chapter has just been sitting on my head and crushing it. First off - this is a Kryten episode where Rimmer and Lister had very little bearing on the plot, and second - there's already a version of this story where the line up is Rimmer, Kochanski, Cat and Kryten, available for you to read in Doug Naylor's "Last Human"... so I had to find a way to make it different from that as well as the canon episode. Taking in mind the different character dynamics between my story and his, I think I managed to get through this fairly well.

If nothing else, this means we get to move on to more interesting things.

The ship they'd found was so utterly bizarre that they were more or less obligated to explore it. At least, that's the logic Kochanski was going with. There were no life signs aboard, so Rimmer found it easier to agree to go with her. They all made their way through the ship while Kryten tapped away at the psi-scan.

"How deliciously bizarre! The hall's molecular structure conform to no known element. Whoever, or whatever, made this thing had access to a technology far in advance of our own."

"So does the Bangladesh Microwave Repair Shop," muttered Rimmer.

"Okay, team, let's split up," said Kochanski. "I'll go with Kryten. Rimmer, you go with the Cat."

"Why should we split up?"

"It'll cover the search quicker."

"What's the hurry? You got some big luncheon to get to? Besides which, he and I make a lousy team. We never agree on anything."

"Agreed," said the Cat, before realizing. "No, wait – damn!"

Kochanski smirked as she guided Kryten down the corridor. "Have fun, boys." She sauntered off into the darkness.

Rimmer and Cat glared at each other before walking off into the dark.

"I don't know what you're complaining about," Cat grumbled. "I'm great at being great."

"We almost lost this ship because you were blow-drying your hair on the console."

"Hey, I used gel instead, okay?"

"And you left that gel sitting on a wall console and got the keyboard all gooey."

"But at least it won't dry out in the hot sun!"

Rimmer rubbed his nose in frustration. He couldn't stand this feline. He had no interest in playing RISK or listening to Hammond Organ music, and he had no respect for the Space Corps, a fact he continually demonstrated through his refusal to wear the standard uniform. A small part of him blamed the Cat for Kochanski having swapped out her khaki uniform for her black tank top and cargo pants. It was like it was the 1990s in deep space.

Rimmer glanced at his emerald green tunic uniform. When they'd gotten the memo that the Space Corps had updated the uniforms a few years after they left the solar system, he'd been excited for a change of clobber. Something with a dash more color while still looking professional – although, frankly, he'd decided to ditch the awkward green cap, which was just silly. He had some standards.

That being said, he thought maybe he ought to do something about his wardrobe. Maybe get a Casual Friday thing going. Truth be told, part of him wanted to try something different. But he didn't want to admit that. It felt like betraying the officer he was hoping to be one day. Then, of course, he remembered he hadn't really been trying to be an officer for a very long time now.

He glanced over at the Cat. The feline was tiptoeing alongside him, clearly nervous. Well, that was something they had in common – they didn't care for the dangerous situations. He would never understand that fools rush of blood to the head that made the less intelligent leap onto a grenade to save another. He was more likely to throw another on top of the grenade to save himself. It was one of Kochanski's more irritating qualities – she was always ready to do something foolishly brave. But, as she was a hologram, she often needed one of them to help her do it. Rimmer and Cat had agreed a long time ago that that person would always be Kryten.

They had been searching for ten minutes when Rimmer's communicator crackled. He snatched it off his belt. "Go, Kryten."

"I think it's one of the crew. A hideously malformed triple-headed skeleton with putrefied flesh hanging from it. It fell through Miss Kochanski as we opened the lift door."

"Is she okay?"

"I believe my audio receptors will never be the same."

Rimmer couldn't help but smirk. "Oh, that's a shame. Was she scared?"

Then he heard Kochanski's voice. "Smeg off, Rimmer. It's what anyone would've done in a moment of shock."

"Does that include your apology to God, ma'am?"

"Oh, turn that thing off!"

The radio switched off, much to Rimmer and Cat's amusement, before they entered a large chamber.

Cat's eye immediately noticed something. It was a large console covered in pretty lights, facing a screen covered in stylishly meaningless geometric shapes, also in pretty colors. Naturally curious, Cat was fascinated. He poked at a few of the pretty buttons, causing an insistent beeping. Rimmer jumped at the noise and saw what he was doing.

"Oh, great, that's right, just push every button you can find in this strange room full of tech we have no idea how it works, why don't you?"

"Thanks, bud! I will!"

"Cat, knock it off! We don't what any of that does!"

"I'm just taking a look!"

Rimmer tried to walk towards him when a glass column suddenly shot down from the ceiling that entrapped him with a soft squishy sound. "Oh, come on!" he groaned. "Why me? Why is it always me? Get me out of here!"

Cat saw the situation. "Be cool, stay slinky. I'm on the case here. I remember the sequence. It was red-blue-yellow." He pressed the buttons, but nothing happened. "No… blue-yellow-red…"

Noises started emanating from the screen. They might have been human speech, but if so, then some poor sad git has put them through the microphone backwards.

"What the hell does that mean?" Rimmer demanded.

Then, the voice spoke again, this time a little more clearly and eloquently. "Language trace completed. Dialect English, colloquial construction, 23rd century."

"Don't do anything else," Rimmer begged. "Just go and get Kryten."

"No, wait, I think I got it," Cat insisted, already pressing away at the pads.

The deep voice spoke again. "Transmogrification in progress."

"Transmogrification?" Rimmer repeated. "Are we in a Calvin and Hobbes comic? What's happening?"

"Maybe it means something nice! Stop thinking loser!"

"Gene sample selected and cloned," the voice intoned. "Please key in new genetic structure."

"Oh god, don't, please!" Rimmer wailed. "Just go and get Kryten!"

"Hey, you think I can't help you? You think I need to get novelty condom head to bail you out? I got you into this, I'll get you out."

"Get Kryten!"

"Relax, would you? I'm on the case!"

He pressed a few more buttons, and this made the deep voice speak again.

"New genetic structure accepted. Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting."

As the computer ticked down the seconds, Cat turned to Rimmer with an absolute winning smile. "I've got a terrific idea. Why don't I go and get Kryten?"

Rimmer glared furiously at him. "You are a complete and utter, total, total, complete and utter, total, total…"

But that's as far as he got before the glass column was filled with a thick smoke that muffled his voice completely.

Cat pressed himself against the column and tried to see through the smoke, but it was too thick. Gradually, agonizingly, it started to waft away, and then, it was like someone put a great big question mark on the Cat's head. He looked inside the seemingly-empty column for any sign of Rimmer, but he wasn't there. All he could find was… a chicken. A chicken that was glowering furiously at him.

A moment later, Kryten and Kochanski came skidding into the room.

"Are you okay?" asked Kryten. "We detected a massive power surge from this vicinity!"

"Where's Rimmer?" asked Kochanski.

Cat sheepishly nodded at the chicken, which was pecking furiously at the glass column, like it was hoping to attack the feline's shoe.

"… That's Rimmer?!"

"What can I say, except… whoops."

"But… how?"

Kryten looked the technology over. "Best guess, some kind of DNA modifier, designed to alter organic life at its molecular level. This would explain our triple-headed friend back there."

"So what does it do?"

"Every single cell in your body contains DNA, which is a series of genetic instructions telling your body how to grow. It's like a small computer program that chooses the color of your eyes, tells your nose what shape to be, designates your sex, your height, everything - even your lifespan. This machine simply re-writes the DNA program."

"So this is device can transform any living thing into any other living thing?"

"Precisely."

"It turned Rimmer into a chicken!"

"So it would seem."

"The question is… can we turn him back?"

Cat shook his head. "The question is… do we want to?"

Kryten approached the keypads. "Hypothetically, it shouldn't be too difficult to recall his original form. It's simply a question of decoding the keypad."

Kochanski wasn't really listening. She was too busy trying not to giggle at the chicken trying to peck its way out of the glass column. "It's incredible. It really is him," she murmured. "His beak even has the same flared nostrils as him."

"Hmmm… seems a fairly straightforward hexadecimal lay-out. Logically, this should be the recall sequence." Kryten punched in a few keys.

The glass column filled with smoke once again, and when it cleared, there was still no Rimmer. Just an itty-bitty hamster furiously squeaking obscenities at them.

"… That's not it, is it?"

Kryten began to pace the room like a great detective. "Let's start from the top," he said to the Cat. "What happened here?"

Cat shrugged and approached the pads. "I was pressing the pads. I definitely pressed the yellow one first," he said, pressing the yellow one, "and then this thing came down!"

Bang on cue, the "thing" came down over Kryten in the form of another glass column. Kochanski didn't notice as she was too busy giggling at the little hamster in the first column trying to scratch her eyes out.

"So I'm standing here, pressing the buttons," Cat continued, pressing the buttons, "and then this voice said…"

"Transmogrification in progress."

"Right! So I pressed some more buttons, and then it says…"

"Please key in new genetic structure."

"That's it exactly!"

By now, Kochanski had heard the deep voice and seen Kryten's plight. "Cat, stop!"

"There is no need for you to engage your panic chip, ma'am. The machine can only operate on organic life. I am mineral and, therefore, immune."

"New genetic structure accepted. Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting," the voice announced, immediately starting the steady impressive beeps.

Kryten's confidence began to falter. "Oh… wait a minute, no… My brain is part-organic, and therefore, it is entirely possible for the machine to transmogrify my physical condition." He cleared his throat calmly. "Engage panic circuits… Panic circuits engaged… GAAAAAAHH!"

Cat frantically punched some more buttons. A few seconds later, both columns filled with smoke. The first one cleared, revealing an ashen-faced Rimmer, who looked very relieved to finally be stepping out of the column, completely back to normal.

"Are you okay?" Kochanski asked gingerly.

"I think so. I'd be better if not all the insane fits of giggling I had to endure."

"Well, I'm sorry, but you were simply adorable as a hamster."

Rimmer scowled before noticing Kryten. "We need to get him back."

Kochanski looked over at the Cat. "Press what you pressed for Rimmer."

Cat did as he was told and pressed the pads. The cloud of smoke in the second column dissipated, and when it retreated to the ceiling, they could only stare at the naked human man in stunned silence.

"My heavens… I'm human…"

They all had a rather hectic morning, trying to help Kryten adjust to being human. Of course, he had a list of questions, like why his nipples didn't work, why his eyes didn't have any special features other than zoom, and whether or not his penis was supposed to look like a turtle out of its shell. There were no easy answers, of course, but Rimmer, Cat and Kochanski did their best for him.

Cat leant him some of the less fashionable articles of clothing he had in his wardrobe, giving him the appearance of an exceptionally tacky game show host from the 1970s. He would prance around the ship, enjoying using his new lungs and how they transmitted oxygen throughout his body, and he liked the funky heartbeat he possessed, dancing as it carried blood throughout his body, fighting any pesky infections he might acquire.

However, he was also taking the opportunity to make some – incredibly lame – jokes about how stupid mechanoids were, and they were making Kochanski uncomfortable.

"It's just so weird. Has he always hated being a mechanoid so much?"

Rimmer shrugged as he thumbed through an old book. "What's so great about being a mechanoid? He's finally free to say and think whatever he wants without fear of his wretched programming telling him how to feel."

"Just feels strange that he's so content to just slag off on his own kind…"

"You think he should change back?"

"You don't?"

"It's what he wanted, isn't it? It's what you want, isn't it? All we have to do is find an old toenail clipping of yours, and we can use that machine to restore you to humanity."

Kochanski scrunched up her nose. "I do not leave toenail clippings lying around."

"You sure? You dated Lister for four weeks. Some habits might have rubbed off on you."

"I assure you, I don't have any old cells lying around. No clippings, no hair follicles, no dandruff… not even an old facial tissue."

"How about a tube of lipstick? All your belongings were put into vacuum storage. There might be something in there."

Kochanski shook her head. "No… I mean, I do want to be human again, but… I don't know… Machines like that really put me off. This idea that you can solve all your problems with just the push of a button… Well, it's childish. Take you, for example."

Rimmer hid his face behind the book. "No, no, no, we are not making this about me…"

"You think that if you get a promotion and become an officer, that's going to solve all your problems. But it isn't. You'd be the same person you were before, just with a bunch of new pips and a new uniform. Not much else."

"The pay increase wouldn't be so bad, either…"

"Not the point."

"And access to the Officer's Lounge…"

"Still not the point."

"And being invited to join my parents at Christmas instead of just being sent a card…"

"Oh god, I'm sorry we went down this particular rabbit hole. Can we please get back on topic?"

Rimmer sneered at her but remained silent.

"… The point I am belaboring to make is that making me human again wouldn't solve all my problems. Just like it won't do for Kryten. He's got to learn how to make do with what he has. We all do."

Rimmer nodded quietly. "… And this has nothing to do with the fact that you're worried you'll go on another eating binge once you can eat real food again?"

Kochanski raised an eyebrow. "My reasons satisfy me, mister," she replied, and she proceeded to ignore the amused look on his face.

In the end, Kochanski's instincts proved correct. Kryten eventually realized that being human wasn't for him, and he changed back. Holly had hacked the computers so that she could override the software and guarantee that they could revert him to his mechanoid form.

Naturally, this meant it took several hours.

Kryten went through several different organic life forms – some water-based, some air-based, some burrow-based – including a few that were definitely not fit for the viewing public, and thus, Rimmer, Cat and Kochanski had to leave the room to dry heave a few times. To his credit, Kryten was a trouper through the whole ordeal, never giving up hope. Thankfully, Kochanski remembered to keep the glass tube in the ceiling down around whatever monstrosities their crewmate was transmogrified into, so there was no danger of having to run for their lives at any point.

At last, long past their bedtime, the pale angular-faced mechanoid they were all familiar with stepped out of the rising glass cylinder and into the room. After checking and rechecking several times to make sure everything was back in place, they all departed the ship for the last time.

"Well," Kochanski said. "I think after all that, I'm very glad we didn't make me human again."

"Fair enough," agreed Rimmer through a grimace.

"I tell you what," added the Cat. "It's gonna be a cold day in hell before I eat beans again…"

Author's Notes: May or may not be skipping Justice altogether - as that story hinges on Rimmer causing the accident that wiped out the crew, which clearly didn't happen in this continuity. But I've got a couple o' ideas, so we'll see what happens.