Author's Note: Phew! So weird how I went from a super-difficult chapter to a chapter that was just a breeze once I got going! This might be the fastest I've ever written a new episode! Hope you enjoy the new twist I put on 'Justice'!

Rimmer had just returned from his weeklong hike through the Diesel Decks when Holly informed him about the pod. He'd been excited at first, thinking they'd finally found proof of an alien species, but he was disappointed to learn it was from a prison ship. He was even more disappointed to learn that, in his absence, the Cat had already started the process of defrosting her, especially after Kochanski and Kryten explained that the pod would either contain a security officer named Barbara Bellini or a psychopathic simulant prisoner. So much for relaxation.

Holly hit on the idea that they could take the pod to the penal colony the prison ship had been heading for, and after a three hour journey during which Rimmer made Kryten sit through all of his vacation snaps, they found the space station was still intact and operational.

Holly's voice was hijacked by a deep husky male voice. "Welcome to Justice World. Please state your clearance code and prison officer ident."

"We're not a prison ship," Kochanski explained. "We just want to use your facilities."

"State life form inventory."

"Four – one hologram, one mechanoid, two humanoid."

"Transfer ship navicomp to my jurisdiction."

Rimmer flipped a switch on the console, and his pilot's controls began moving on their own.

"On landing, please disembark and proceed through neutral area to the clearance zone."

They felt Starbug swoop around the penal colony and head for a landing bay. The place was like a humorous take on justice – a pair of scales stretched across a mile long section with a central building in the middle. They flew into the central station and came in for a landing on the scorched pad inside.

One trip down the embarkation ramp later, they walked out into the decrepit corridor. The place looked more like a boiler room than a penal colony, but none of them thought it polite to point this out. Instead, they made their way silently to the main room. There was a massive sign that said, "Neutral Zone".

The voice reverberated through the room again. "Until you are granted a clearance code, please observe all security requirements. Your party will be met by a consignment of escort boots."

They all looked down and were startled to find a series of large bulky metal boots clomping along the floor rather noisily, blinking with electronic lights. They reached the crew and split off into pairs for each of them, performed a simultaneous about-face, and then split open, almost invitingly.

"Please step into the boots," the voice ordered.

Uncertain, Rimmer gingerly placed his left foot into the left boot, like he was testing the temperature of a bathtub with his toe. Once one of his boots had slipped inside, the metal boot clapped down on his foot, making him jump. Finding he was not in pain, he summoned up some courage to try on the other one.

Cat, however, had his own reasons for hesitating. "I'm supposed to wear these? They look like Frankenstein's hand-me-downs. You haven't got anything with a Cuban heel or a crepe sole?"

"I can't put these on – I'm a hologram!" Kochanski complained.

"That has been accounted for," the voice replied.

Resigned, everyone else slipped into the boots, and they all slammed shut on their feet.

Before any of them could react, the boots all lit up, and they found themselves being forced into walking very awkwardly down the next corridor, clanking and grinding as they went. The funny walks made it feel very much like a Monty Python sketch.

The boots dragged them through the next corridor, and one by one, they were all hit by a powerful blue light that seemed to rip its way through their respective memories and right into their consciences.

"What the hell was that?" Rimmer demanded.

"Not to worry, sir," replied Kryten brightly. "Merely a mind probe."

"What's a mind probe?"

They were all frog-marched into the next room as Kryten gave the explanation. "The computer was merely searching our minds - presumably for any evidence of criminal activity."

"Criminal activity?"

"I shouldn't worry, sir. It's just a routine clearance procedure."

"What's the matter, Rimmer?" asked Kochanski cheekily. "Got something to hide?"

Rimmer's nostrils flared indignantly. "Certainly not! I've never had so much as a parking fine!"

"Oooh, I bet this is where it all comes out!" she went on, beaming mischievously. "All those years of smuggling illegal toy soldiers over the border finally catch up with you."

"Oh, do smeg off!"

But now the Cat was joining in. "Makes sense to me. A name like 'Arnold Judas Rimmer'? Too stupid to be real. Obviously an alias."

"I bet if we unscramble it, we get the real meaning," Kochanski grinned. "Kryten, if you unscramble the letters in Rimmer's full name, what comes up?"

Kryten blinked in confusion. "Er, quite a few possibilities, I suppose, ma'am… 'Addams Juror Merlin', 'Admiral Jorum Nerds', 'Delmar Drams Junior'…"

"Kryten, shut up!" Rimmer snapped.

Kochanski recovered from her giggling. "Okay, okay, let's leave Admiral Nerds alone. None of us have committed any crimes, right?" Off their respective head shakes, she continued. "Then we'll be fine. Just need to await the verdict."

A few seconds later, the voice returned. "The mechanoid Kryten: clearance granted. You are free to go about the complex."

Kryten's boots released him, and he stepped out and went to the side to wait for the others.

"The creature known as Cat: clearance granted."

The Cat's boots released him, and he did a cheerful little jig and shimmied off the stage to join Kryten.

"The human known as Rimmer: clearance granted."

Rimmer gave Kochanski his smuggest grin and stepped proudly out of the boots. He then proceeded to trip over them a bit, ruining his dignified exit, and he slouched off to join the others.

Kochanski waited a moment for her own verdict. She couldn't help but frown slightly at how long it was taking.

"The hologram known as Kochanski: guilty."

The light over Kochanski turned blood red, and her entire face seemed to collapse. Her eyes flitted around like a panicked animal, but she couldn't get out of the boots.

"One count of involuntary manslaughter," the voice continued. "The statutory sentence is eight years…"

"Hold it!" Kochanski cried out. "What are you talking about? 'Involuntary manslaughter'? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Your role in the death of the human known as 'Dave Lister' – his death in the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf would have been prevented if not for your interference."

Kochanski blanched. "No… No, that wasn't my fault! I didn't do anything! I… I… Can't we discuss this over tea and a hot buttered pardon, maybe?"

"The sentence is to proceed immediately."

The boots proceeded to frog march Kochanski off the stage and towards an archway that was bathed in an ethereal white light.

"You are now leaving the Neutral Area and entering the Justice Zone. Beyond this point, it is impossible to commit any act of injustice."

Kochanski looked back at the others before she disappeared. "Get me the hell out of here!" she snapped.

Rimmer, Cat and Kryten just stood there, utterly dumbfounded.

The cell didn't look like your typical prison. It was actually rather nice. Comfortable bed, desk, chair, reading lamp – all the amenities. Kochanski shifted in her simulated prison garb. It wouldn't be so bad, but she was now cursed with this stupid blue cap that wouldn't have looked out of place on a fry cook.

She had only served three hours of her eight year sentence when the door slid open, and in walked Rimmer, looking very grim and serious. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sat through a few lecture vids, new outfit, new flat… Never been better."

Rimmer sat down heavily in the single chair, looking very serious. So serious, in fact, that it made Kochanski nervous.

"What is it?"

"Well… I spoke with Kryten, and we looked at all the options, and we've come to a decision. Wasn't an easy one to come to, but I think it's nevertheless the correct one."

"And that is…?" she asked nervously.

Rimmer leaned in close and spoke in a hushed voice. "… Your real name is 'Kink Sin Artichokes'."

It took a few seconds for the joke to penetrate Kochanski's stressed out brain, but when it did, her expression must've been comical because Rimmer immediately started laughing delightedly, leaning back in his chair. Her attempt to smack him across the face – only for her hand to pass harmlessly through – served only to make him laugh harder.

"You…! You…! You smeghead!" she growled, towering over him.

Rimmer wiped the happy tears from his eyes and reoriented himself in the chair. "Yes, well, it could've been worse. One of the other ones was 'Heartsick Oink Sink', but that just sounded mean."

She flopped down on the bed – momentarily passing through it – and pouted childishly. "Come on! You're supposed to be getting me out of here!"

"Not to worry," he said reassuringly. "We're going to work on a case. Kryten's in negotiations with the Justice Computer." He looked around the room. "Still, not a bad cell you got here."

"Yes, the finest in justice tech. We're in a place called the Justice Zone. No crimes can be perpetrated here. I had to sit through a video about it. Any crime committed here, the perpetrator suffers the consequences."

"You mean if someone sets fire to something, something of theirs gets set on fire?"

"Exactly. Want to try?"

Rimmer gave her a fake smile. "Think I'll pass, thank you very much." He eyed her carefully. "So… want to tell me how the computer came to the decision that you were responsible for Lister's death?"

"I don't know how it can," Kochanski wailed pathetically. "I didn't cause his death. I didn't shove him in the path of an express radiation leak. It was just a freak accident. Nobody caused it."

"Kryten says the mind probe scanned your memories. There must be something in there that convinced them that you were responsible for it."

"Well, I wasn't. I know that. I simply didn't do anything."

At that moment, Kryten entered with the Cat right behind him. "Good news. The Justice Computer has sanctioned a re-trial. I think we have a very strong case."

"You do?" Kochanski looked surprised.

"It's a question of differentiating between guilt and culpability, ma'am. What the mind-probe detected was your own sense of guilt about Mr Lister's death. In a way, you tried and convicted yourself."

"But why? I didn't cause Lister's death."

"Logically, you know that to be true, ma'am, but on a deeper level, you blame yourself for what happened to him."

"You mean it's on a subconscious level?" Rimmer asked.

"Precisely, sir. Deep down in the murky depths of your subconscious, ma'am, you have twisted and warped the situation to be your fault."

"But how?" she demanded. "And how are we going to sell this to the Justice Computer?"

"By presenting the case that you're an emotional train wreck that needs the situation to revolve around yourself!"

Kochanski stared. "You're going to get me off the hook by saying I'm a complete basket case with an inflated sense of self-importance?"

"Sounds like a solid case to me," Cat grinned.

"It's not completely impossible to make such a case," Rimmer said more charitably. "It's a very common phenomena for children who went to cyber-school to have that kind of mindset."

"Yes, well, you can't come up with a defense that's less insulting?"

"It's our best chance, ma'am. If we pool our resources, I think we can come up with a winning case in a matter of hours."

They all stood in the Neutral Zone from earlier. Kochanski stood on a plinth that designated her as the one on trial while Kryten paced the room back and forth. Rimmer and Cat were sitting in chairs to the side as witnesses.

"The mind-probe was created to detect guilt, yet in the case of Kristine Kochanski, the guilt it detected attaches to no crime. What we have here is a guilt associated with a failed relationship – one of many failed relationships – from a woman who seems incapable of holding down a relationship at all."

Kochanski quirked an annoyed eyebrow in his direction, but the mechanoid soldiered on.

"This woman had a brief liaison with the victim – Dave Lister – that ended in heartbreak and bitter regret. I postulate that the guilt she feels towards his death is not out of shame for committing a crime, but simply shame for shattering a man's heart into tiny irreparable pieces. Reducing him to a depressed, broken, empty shell of a man with her thoughtless and short-sightedness."

Now Kochanski was full-on glaring at him. "Kryten, for god's sake," she hissed.

"Fear not, ma'am," he whispered back. "My whole case hinges on proving you're emotionally incompetent."

She sighed but said nothing.

Kryten continued. "I call my first witness."

Rimmer stood up, dressed in his nice uniform and wearing his long-service medals – despite everyone telling him not to – and a sensible tie before standing on the witness plinth opposite Kochanski.

"Name?"

"Arnold J Rimmer."

"Occupation?"

"Last guy alive."

"Would you say you have a good relationship with the accused?"

Rimmer shrugged. "Well, it mostly depends on the time of day…"

Kochanski seemed to agree, so they continued.

"Were you familiar with the victim of this alleged crime?"

"We were bunkmates."

"I see. So you were familiar with his relationship with the accused?"

"Only a bit. I tended to make myself scarce when they were together. They tended to spend most nights having really loud sex in his bunk, eating curries and watching 'It's a Wonderful Life' on a constant loop."

"Would you say they were happy?"

"Up until the last week, yes."

"And how long did the relationship last?"

"Five weeks."

Kochanski hid her face in her hand, embarrassed.

Kryten continued. "Do you recall the circumstances behind the break up?"

"Yes, her ex, Tim, decided he wanted her back after the floozy he was dating broke up with him. She went crawling back to him."

"And what of Mr Lister?"

"He moped around for a long time. Went on Planet Leave to Titan. Came back with a pregnant pet cat, which was against regs, of course."

"What became of this cat?"

"Kochanski found it and confiscated it. Of course, she didn't have the heart to disintegrate it, so she smuggled it into the air ducts for its safety. It wasn't long afterwards that the accident happened."

"So there is no way any of this resulted in Miss Kochanski causing Mr Lister's death?"

"Not to my knowledge, no."

"Thank you, sir. You may stand down."

Rimmer curtseyed, earning him many an eye roll, before retaking his seat next to the Cat.

"Now then, Miss Kochanski," Kryten went on, looking like he wished he had suspenders to grasp as he walked up and down the courtroom. "What became of this pregnant cat whilst under your care?"

Kochanski shifted awkwardly. "Well… she visited my quarters frequently, even in the air ducts. I gave her whatever food she needed. Then, of course, Holly detected her visiting my quarters frequently, so the Captain thought I was the one who smuggled her aboard. I didn't want to get Dave in trouble, so I took the blame for it."

"So what happened after that?"

"Well, the plan was to put me in stasis. They were going to put me in one of the spare stasis booths, but the day I was to be locked up, the radiation leak happened."

Kryten drummed his fingers on chest plate briefly as he thought. "So… how long was the cat in your care before discovery was made?"

"A few weeks?"

"And this Mr Lister – was he a clever sort of man?"

Rimmer let out a snort, but he managed to keep quiet.

"Not incredibly so, no," Kochanski said evenly.

"So you don't think he could've kept the cat hidden for as long as you did?"

"No, definitely not."

"Then, odds are, he would've been found out sooner than you, and therefore, more than likely put in stasis soon enough to beat the radiation leak?"

Kochanski closed her eyes in despair. "… Yes," she said at last, as if just realizing it for herself. "If I hadn't have confiscated that cat, he would've kept it, been found out within days, and been locked up safely in stasis and wouldn't have died."

Rimmer grimaced at the thought of being trapped with Lister three million light-years into deep space.

Kryten continued to walk around the room. "And there you have it. This is where the guilt comes into play. Miss Kochanski's role in Mr Lister's death is purely circumstantial at best. Of course, being a woman so wrapped up in herself, she has subconsciously inflated the importance of her role, and thus, the guilt she feels is not connected to any wrongdoing. The only thing she is truly guilty of is breaking a man's poor defenseless heart – not murder. Defense rests."

Kryten stood down and went to the side as they all awaited the verdict. Kochanski just glared at him.

The Justice Computer finally spoke. "I have reached a verdict. In the view of your counsel's eloquent defense, together with the reams of material evidence he submitted on computer card, this court accepts that, in your case, the mind-probe is not an adequate method of assessing guilt. It is not possible for you to have committed the crimes for which you blame yourself, and you may therefore go free. Court is adjourned."

Kochanski sagged with relief as the others came up to congratulate her.

"Well, looks like you're not getting the chair after all," Rimmer lightly teased as he saluted her.

"Congrats, Officer Bud Babe," agreed Cat. "Pity we won't be able to make use of those conjugal visits."

Kochanski rolled her eyes. "Yes, such a pity."

"Oh, congratulations, ma'am!" Kryten said happily.

But all he got was an icy glare. "You're going to be sitting through Rimmer's slideshow for a long time," she hissed.

Wearily, they all walked through Starbug's airlock and stepped into the mid-section.

"Right, time to make for home," sighed Rimmer.

"God yes," agreed Kochanski. "I want to put as many light years between myself and this place as possible."

Then, their eyes fell on the open pod sitting before them.

"… Oh right," said Rimmer. "Knew we forgot something."

"Memory's a terrible thing, isn't it?" said a growly voice.

They all turned towards the cockpit, and there was a tall grumpy-looking simulant standing in the hatchway, carrying a bazookoid and a rad pistol.

Cat approached cautiously. "Are you by any chance Barbara Bellini?" He found himself looking down the barrel of the bazookoid. "I didn't think so!"

They all turned and ran – Rimmer thinking to grab a bazookoid of his own – and tore down the ramp back into the Justice Zone. They could hear the metal monster blasting at them with his weapons. They just had to get ahead of him so they would have time to fight back.

Without really looking where they were going, they legged it through the strange archway that was bathed in light. They were dimly aware of the Justice Computer talking to them. "You are now entering the Justice Zone. Beyond this point, it is impossible to commit any act of injustice."

"Good to know!" Kochanski replied as she hightailed it after Rimmer.

Somewhere along the way, they got separated from Cat and Kryten, but it didn't matter, because they could hear the simulant behind them. They went up some stairs and onto a metal gantry overlooking the entire complex. Rimmer gripped the bazookoid, keeping an eye out, when they both heard a voice below them.

"Hey, my friends, I don't want any trouble. I just want your space craft. Give me the start-up code. Look! I have no weapon!" He dropped his guns on the floor and held his hands out.

Rimmer and Kochanski peered down at him. He had his back to them, unable to see the threat they posed to him.

"Come on, you wouldn't shoot an unarmed droid. Come out and let's discuss it."

"Wanna bet?" Rimmer muttered, already aiming the bazookoid at the back of his head.

"No, stop," Kochanski hissed. "Don't shoot him."

"Oh, come on. Just because he's unarmed, I'm not supposed to shoot the homicidal maniac?"

"No, because we're in the Justice Zone, remember? No crimes can be committed here. If you fire that bazookoid at him, you're the one who's going to feel the pain!"

Rimmer blinked, then sheepishly lowered the bazookoid. "Right…"

"Although, shooting him in the back while he's unarmed isn't good, either, but also not the point right now…"

"So what do we do?"

Kochanski smiled. "Just follow me. I know how to deal with him."

The two made their way down the steps towards the waiting simulant. She motioned for Rimmer to wait in the shadows for now, which he was all too happy to do.

"So…," Kochanski said. "What'd you want to talk about, big guy?"

"You have no weapons?"

"Hologram. Couldn't have one if I wanted to. You have no weapons?"

"No."

They approached each other.

Then, the simulant acquired a sickly grin. "Guess what? I lied." He pulled a knife out of his arm.

"Guess what?" Kochanski replied. "I lied, too."

Taking that as his cue, Rimmer reluctantly stepped into the open, brandishing the bazookoid.

"But I lied twice," the simulant replied smoothly, pulling out a second gun.

Kochanski faux-pouted. "Damn. Wish I'd thought of that."

The simulant immediately fired his gun at them. Kochanski didn't blink as the bullets passed through her, instead impacting on Rimmer, who staggered backwards, but there were no holes in his uniform. The holes instead appeared in the simulants body, making him stagger back from the force. He looked very confused as he tried firing again, but he only put more holes in himself.

Kochanski grinned at Rimmer, who began to grin back. The plan was working.

The simulant tried throwing his knife at them, only for it to somehow embed itself in his head. He began to short-circuit and sputter gibberish as he began to slump to the metal floor.

"Aw, is the big bad simulant hurting himself?" Kochanski teased. "Can't just stop trying to hurt us?"

The simulant responded to the mockery by reaching through her image and trying to crush her light bee with his bare hand. He squeezed with all his might, but although her image wavered momentarily, she didn't feel any pain. A moment later, his middle suddenly erupted in a shower of sparks as his central processor began to crumple into a small ball. He lost his grip on the bee and fell to the floor, twitching.

Kochanski blinked. "Well, that was a tad more dramatic than I thought it'd be."

Rimmer shrugged. "As long as we can leave now, I don't think I'll be losing any sleep tonight."

Suddenly, Cat came bounding up the stairs with a shovel. "Hey, hey, I've got him, Officer Bud Babe! Leave him to me!"

"Cat, no!" Kochanski cried, but he was already taking a swing.

"Better late than never!" he declared as he whacked the sim over the head, laughed cheerfully, then tipped over backwards into a light coma.