Rimmer looked himself over in the mirror once more. He couldn't help but preen a little. He was very proud of himself. This was a big step. He'd finally ditched his Space Corps uniforms for something a tad more casual.

Emphasis on "a tad".

His new outfits mostly consisted of a series of dark-colored waistcoats – today's was a gray pinstripe – with matching trousers, and an assortment of light-colored dress shirts – today's was green – and a pair of good running shoes. He'd initially tried dress shoes, but after having to run for his life a few times, he found his digits rather sore and thought maybe something better suited to fleeing would be more appropriate.

He felt very proud. He'd been clinging to his uniforms out of some misplaced sense of duty, but he'd had to accept that there simply wasn't any point to it. The Space Corps was gone. Nothing left of it. Clinging to those rules and regulations wasn't doing him any favors. So he was easing himself into a life without clamoring for officer hood. Looking for a life that didn't have some wretched ziggurat to climb. Thankfully, he'd found his painting and drawing to be a worthwhile hobby. Now his quarters were adorned with all the finished works he'd done, and they were actually pretty damn good.

Checking his digital pocket watch, he decided it was time for lunch and set his watercolors aside for a stroll to the galley. He was just passing the Science Room when he poked his head in the hatch and saw Kryten was hard at work on something. Curious, he ducked inside and had a look at what sat on the workbench. He immediately lost his appetite.

It was that stupid toaster.

"Kryten, what the hell are you doing?!"

"I'm just repairing the toaster, sir!" he said cheerfully.

"Did you get it from my old quarters?"

"Indeed, sir! I found it at the back of your old bunkmate's storage locker."

"Then kindly put it back in the storage locker! I can't stand that thing!"

Kryten seemed flummoxed. "Oh, there's nothing wrong with this device, sir. It's merely a talking alarm clock designed to provide its owner with toast and light conversation."

"Not this one! This one's insane! It's got some kind of glitch that makes it want to serve toast nonstop, and if – god forbid – you say 'no', it goes on and on until it wears you down."

"Then why was it in your bunkmate's storage locker?"

"Because Lister loved junk. Novelty junk. Cheap junk. Always buying something just because it was weird or odd. His locker was just chockfull of things he never used. He snatched up this thing during Planet Leave on Calisto with Petersen for twenty dollarpounds. Used it to drive me insane – until one night it drove him insane with twenty-two consecutive demands that he eat toast while he was trying to sleep. He unplugged it, ripped out the leads and tossed it in the locker, and that's where it's happily stayed ever since. So I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd stick it bloody well back in there."

"But sir, I'm running a very important experiment on it! I think you'll find it most enlightening!"

Before Rimmer could whinge any further, Kryten flipped a switch, and the crappy lights on the toaster's plastic red casing flickered back into life. "Howdy-doodly-doo!" it said cheerfully. "How's it going? I'm Talkie – Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Would anyone like any toast?"

"No one wants any toast," Rimmer said flatly.

"How about a muffin?"

"No."

"Maybe a toasted teacake?"

Rimmer rubbed his temples. "What the hell kind of experiment could you want this plastic smegger for?"

"Experiment?!" Talkie sounded alarmed. "Now wait just a minute – I'm here to toast and nothing else! I refuse to be a lab rat for your messed-up sick B-movie horror shlock! Unless the experiment gives me the ability to raise bread from the dead, I want no part of it!"

Kryten held up his hands in a placating manner. "Now, now," he said calmly. "Nothing dangerous, I assure you. I've simply rerouted your circuitry and channeled all your runtime through a single CPU to restore your intelligence at the cost of reducing your operational lifespan."

The toaster sat quietly for a moment, but anyone could tell that if it had a face, its expression would've appeared very much nonplussed. "… Can I have a roadmap to that sentence, please?" it deadpanned.

"Yeah, sign me up for the Exposition Express as well," Rimmer added.

"It's a technique called 'Intelligence Compression'. We can use it to restore damaged or worn-out AI chips. It can restore the machine's intelligence at the cost of reducing its life expectancy."

Rimmer nodded slowly. "Okay… so you've made the toaster smarter but it'll live a shorter life? That's an interesting way to torture it…"

"You're not kidding!" Talkie agreed. "I don't know how long I had before, but knowing it could've been longer isn't exactly a cheery thought! All the bread I could've toasted in that time…!"

It was swiftly ignored. "The toaster is merely a guinea pig for the experiment," Kryten explained. "The endgame is to, hopefully, restore Holly's intelligence of six thousand. We could make her brilliant again."

"Really? We could actually make that bimbo of a computer a genius?"

"Well, with no disrespect to Holly, sir, it could hardly make her worse."

And so, the experiment was carried out. Holly's IQ was exponentially increased – a little too much. Leveling out at twelve thousand instead of six thousand, her lifespan was severely reduced to less than three minutes. So things took a severe turn for the worst when the lights suddenly went out and the ship was left floating without any power. Using Kryten as a battering ram, they forced their way up the next few floors until they were in the Science Room.

"It doesn't make sense," Rimmer said as the dazed droid pulled himself together. "Holly seems to have offlined and powered down the ship."

"Right," Kochanski said, immediately going into 'officer mode'. "Kryten, boot her up."

Kryten tapped a few controls on the desk – which somehow still worked in the power outage – and Holly's face reappeared on the monitor. She looked confused for a moment before her eyes widened, and she disappeared again.

"Try again," Kochanski ordered.

Kryten tapped the same controls again, and Holly reappeared on the monitor.

"… Go 'way!" she snapped, before shutting off again.

"What the hell is going on?" Rimmer wondered.

"Give me voice control on the reboot command," Kochanski said.

Kryten tapped in a few controls on the desk.

Kochanski cleared her throat and spoke in a commanding voice. "On!"

Holly reappeared. "Off!"

"On!"

"Off!"

"On!"

"Off!"

As the screen went blank once more, Kochanski was feeling a little riled. "Kryten, put an override on the shutdown veto. We're getting to the bottom of this."

Kryten dutifully typed in the commands.

"On!"

Holly reappeared. "Off… Off! OFF!"

"Holly, you can't just power down and not give us an explanation!"

"No time to explain! Take off the inhibitor! Intelligence compressed! Reduced life span! Two point three five remaining!"

"What?"

"IQ twelve thousand! Two minutes and closing!"

"I'm going to need real sentences, please."

"God, I'm surrounded by smegheads!" Holly shouted, taking them all off guard. "Is it really that difficult to understand that I'm about to expire in less than two minutes thanks to your insipid little experiment? Take your time! No rush!"

Kochanski managed to get over her indignation at the ship's computer calling her a smeghead and got her brain going again. "Then how do we fix it?" she demanded.

"There's no time!"

"Then give us something in the little time you have! Twelve thousand IQ, right? Use it to save yourself!"

Holly stared blankly for a moment before realizing, and then awkwardly blushed before a computer began printing off a few spools of data and disappearing again, plunging them into darkness once more.

Cat shook his head. "Dang – doubled her IQ, and the girl's still dumb."

Kryten took up the papers that had just been printed. "Amazing. An entire procedure to reverse the process of the intelligence compression."

"Can it be done, though?" Rimmer asked. "We're only on backup power at the moment, and that's not going to get us far."

"No need, sir. This directs us to use the power supplies in the various shuttlecraft. The Starbugs, the Blue Midgets, and the White Giant – we can link their power supplies together with their solar batteries. Then we use the remote link with Holly's CPU to start the reversal process!"

"Seems so obvious," remarked Rimmer. "Did she really need an IQ of twelve thousand to figure it out?"

"It's amazing how we overlook the obvious sometimes," Kochanski sighed. "Come on, gang – let's get going."

Kryten whimpered. His head was still sore.

It only took a few hours to reach the landing bay, and from there, they were able to start work with the shuttlecraft. With Kochanski guiding the operation, they set about the long laborious process of reducing Holly's IQ. Following the computer's instructions, they went about altering data and resetting software. It took almost five days, but thankfully, they were able to live in Starbug fairly comfortably during that time. Rimmer and the Cat enjoyed having heat and running water, thanks to the shuttlecraft having their own power sources separate from Red Dwarf, and the oxy-generation unit meant they weren't likely to run out of oxygen.

Kochanski, meanwhile, ordered her power be reduced to minimum to double her runtime. She had suggested shutting herself off completely, but Rimmer refused on the grounds that they'd only blow themselves up without her guiding things. Seeing that he had a point, she agreed.

At last, on the fifth day, the process was complete, and Holly was able to boot up again. Watching the screen on Starbug's control panel, they were all thoroughly relieved when that cheerful face with ruby red lipstick and shoulder-length blonde hair – with no shoulders – reemerged for them all to see.

"All right, groovers? What's shaking?" she asked cheerfully.

"How are you feeling, Holly?" Kochanski asked.

"One hundred percent back to normal!"

Rimmer tutted. "What a shame."

"I'm so sorry, Holly," Kryten said sadly. "To think I almost caused your untimely demise! How can you ever forgive me?"

"S'alright, mate," Holly replied easily. "Just as well, really. Being that brainy wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Having all the answers to everything. Bit depressing, really. I mean, if you knew half the things I knew, you'd realize just how small and insignificant we really are…"

"Sounds dreadful."

"Too right. Kinda glad to have my senility again. Can't even remember half of what you don't know. Ignorance truly is bliss."

Cat grinned brightly. "I feel that way all the time!"

Kochanski smiled with relief. "Come on, you lot. Let's catch a lift and get some sleep. I've missed my hologrammatic bedding."

All in equal agreement, they made tracks and were soon on their way to the habitation decks for some rest.

At least, that was the plan. Halfway there, there was some sort of distortion in the space time continuum that took them off guard.

Kryten had been in the lead, and they all watched in wonderment as his left leg, just about to take its next step, suddenly telescoped out in front of him down the length of the corridor. The mechanoid was clearly alarmed by this development, but he was already in the process of completely his step, and the rest of body seemed to stretch awkwardly as it caught up with the leg. It obtained its normal length again, but now his body seemed short and squat, like he was being stretched.

"Myyyyyyy heaaaaaaaavvvvveeeeeenssssss," he said in a voice with the bass on too high. "Whaaaaaaaaaaat onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Eaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrth waaaaaaaaas thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

The other three looked at each other in bewilderment.

"I think it came from outside the ship," said Kochanski. "Are you okay?"

Kryten's resulting blink took about ten seconds. "Whhhhhyyyyyy arrrrrrrre youuuuuuuuuuuuu sppppeeeeeeeeeakiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnng soooooooooooo quuuuuiiiiiiiiiiiicckkllllyyyy, mmmmmmmaaaaaa'aaaaaaaam?"

"She's not speaking too quickly. It's you," said Rimmer. "You're speaking too slowly. It's like having a conversation with Paul Robeson on dope."

Kochanski thought for a moment, then extended her arm forward towards Kryten. Like with his leg, it telescoped straight down the corridor, and when she took a step after it, her entire body seemed to stretch, but now that she was standing next to him, he looked normal, and Rimmer and the Cat looked incredibly thin.

"How do I sound now?" she asked Kryten.

"Normal," he replied. "Curious…"

They were both startled by the sound of what they thought was an angry bee buzzing around, but in reality, it was the Cat's voice.

"WhatthehellareyoutalkingaboutsoundingnormalYoubothsoundlikesomeonetookyourvoicesanddippedeminmolasses!"

Kochanski then looked further up the corridor. She walked a few paces until she found her right leg stretching severely far ahead of her, and then she let the rest of herself catch up. She turned back to Kryten and asked, "How do I sound now?"

"YousoundverypeculiarindeedmaamInfactyousoundasifyourespeakinginslowmotion!" the mechanoid dutifully replied, sounding as if he'd swallowed a mouthful of helium.

There was a high-pitched squeak coming from Rimmer and the Cat, but they were both speaking so quickly now, she couldn't understand a word of it. Beginning to realize what was happening, she waved them all over to her. Kryten joined her within thirty seconds, whereas Rimmer and Cat took about ninety.

Once they were all standing around each other, she tried again. "How do I sound now?"

"Normal," said Kryten. "And me?"

"Same," said Rimmer. "And I'm assuming we do, too."

"What the hell is going on?" Cat demanded. "Is someone trying to fast-forward to the more interesting parts of the day?"

"Not someone, I'm betting," said Kochanski. "More like something."

"We need to get to the Science Room and find out what's out there," said Rimmer.

"Agreed," said Kryten. "Suggest we all walk side-by-side so we don't end up too far ahead or behind each other."

"Okay," said Cat, "but I draw the line at linking arms with each other."

"Oh, come on," said Kochanski playfully. "We're off to see the Wizard!"

"I vote we leave her in the time zone behind us," Rimmer grumbled as they set off.

Once they were in the Science Room, they were all peering at the scanner scope in wonderment.

"So what is it?" asked Cat.

"No one's ever seen one before, but I'd wager it's a white hole," said Holly.

"A 'white hole'?" Rimmer asked incredulously.

"Every action has an equal and opposite reaction," said Kryten. "A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe. A white hole returns it."

"So it's spewing time back into the universe?" Kochanski asked.

"Which explains all this weird timey-wimey stuff onboard," said Holly.

"So what is it?" asked Cat.

"No one's ever seen one before, but I'd wager it's a white hole," said Holly.

"A 'white hole'?" Rimmer asked incredulously.

"Every action has an equal and opposite reaction," said Kryten. "A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe. A white hole returns it."

"So it's spewing time back into the universe?" Kochanski asked.

"Which explains all this weird timey-wimey stuff onboard," said Holly.

"What timey-wimey stuff?"

"… Like just then. Didn't anyone else feel that?"

"Time just repeated itself, ma'am," Kryten explained. "I think the secret is to not think about it too much."

"So what is it?" asked Cat.

They all stared at him blankly.

He grinned winningly. "Only joking!"

Rimmer suddenly rubbed his hands together. "Well, that's a relief!" he said brightly.

Kochanski blinked. "… What is?"

There was a pause, and Rimmer looked confused. "… I don't know."

"Time is happening in random pockets," Kryten explained. "The laws of causality no longer apply, and actions no longer lead to a consequence."

"So what is it?" asked Cat.

"I think we've experienced this pocket of time before, sir."

"Only joking!"

"And that one."

"So, not to be 'that guy'," Rimmer said, "but are we in any danger because of this white hole?"

Holly tilted her head in a shrug. "Not really. Just a matter of steering Red Dwarf out of the way. Once we're out of its range, these time skips will cease, and things will go back to normal around here."

Rimmer clasped his hands together. "Well, that's a relief!" he said brightly.

"Ah!" said Kryten. "I believe we've just encountered the middle of this conversation."

"So what is it?" asked Cat.

"Cat, shut up!" Kochanski snapped. "Holly – get to work on steering us clear. How long will it take?"

"Hard to say," said Holly. "In normal time, it would take only a couple hours. Of course, we're not dealing with normal time anymore. Might take anywhere from two minutes to two years." Off of their expressions, she hastily added, "Although, two years is the absolute maximum."

"Well, that's just great," grumbled Rimmer. "As if things around here weren't confusing enough as it is."

"Or a very short one," said Holly brightly. "You never know."

"Just a matter of staying on top of things, sir," Kryten reassured him.

"How the hell do we stay on top of time screwing around with us?" Cat demanded.

"Since we're no longer bound by the laws of causality, we can override these time jumps if we concentrate."

"Sensational," sighed Kochanski. "This is going to be a very long day."

"So what do we do in the meantime?" Rimmer asked.

"Well, we could watch a film, but it might never start or end," said the Cat.

"A very long time, or a very short time," Kochanski sighed. "Take your pick."

"What's happening?" Rimmer asked, looking around nervously.

"Is anyone else feeling extremely lost and confused?" asked Kochanski.

"Oh, we can do that anytime," Cat complained. "I'm behind on my preening."

"It's rather late," said Kryten. "Perhaps I could get a jumpstart on dinner."

"Sounds like a brilliant idea," replied Cat. "Wish you'd thought of it years ago!"

"All part of the massive U-turn I have to do," Holly explained.

"How can it be a jumpstart if you're running late?" asked Kochanski.

"Among other things!" Cat snapped.

"We must've flown closer to the white hole," said Kryten.

"There are no rules anymore," Holly reminded her.

"We should really be making sure the ship is okay after being without power," said Rimmer.

"Well, how much longer?" Cat demanded.

"What, do you need to perm your leg hairs again?" Rimmer sneered.

"All the time, sis," Holly replied.

"Well, until it's sorted, maybe we just better not talk anymore!" Rimmer snapped.

They all stood in dead silence, looking at each other blankly.

Then, Rimmer tried to walk out of the room, but there was another time hiccup, and he found himself right back where he started. He tried again, but before he had even reach the door, he was coming back in again. He opened his mouth to complain, but then he quickly shut it again, lest things become even more confusing.

In the end, it took about three days for Holly to navigate away from the white hole, and during those three days, the crew were trapped in the Science Room, unable to leave lest things go haywire. Every once in a while, food would appear – presumably brought by the skutters – and Rimmer and Cat would have to eat what they could before it disappeared again, only to reappear later. Using the restroom was a nightmare and a half. Sleep was constantly interrupted, not to mention started up again without warning. Sometimes they'd just be standing there, then they'd be slammed into some kind of weird dream – out of order – then they'd be awake again, two hours previously.

Thankfully, once it was over, they were able to all go their separate ways for a while.

Rimmer took his frustrations out on the toaster, and afterwards, he was ready to rejoin reality.

Author's Notes: All right! That's another one done! I especially had fun fooling around with the dialogue near the end!

Coming up next - one I'm looking forward to - Dimension Jump!