Author's Notes: And here we are! On the twenty-eighth anniversary of this episode airing, here's "Holoship"!

The day had started so normally.

Kochanski had decided the boys needed something to do, so they when they happened across a section of space with a few derelict ships, she had them all hop into Starbug and see about gathering some leftover odds and sods to get them going. Plenty of tech to swipe, some new software upgrades, not to mention some much-needed entertainment updates. A cache of new movies were just what they needed.

They were watching one of these films on the way back to Red Dwarf. It was one of those schlocky black-and-white romance flicks that Lister used to watch. She didn't hate it, but god, some parts were just so corny. She, Rimmer and the Cat enjoyed heckling it during the particularly slushy bits.

Not long after the film ended, though, Holly announced that they were being tracked by something. They all hurried into the cockpit to get a feeler for it, but they had to stop for a moment while Cat made a suggestion to drop the defensive shields, followed by Kryten belaboring the point of how they had no shields, defensive or otherwise, to drop.

The space object that came at them looked at first like a bright blue comet, but rather than smash through the Plexiglas view screen, it sailed straight through and halted in the mid-section. It looked like a bunch of bath bubbles being stirred, lighting up the room.

They all went to the hatchway to look, but while Kryten fumbled with the psi-scan, Kochanski felt a sort of magnetic pull towards the strange lights. Her eyes seemed to glaze over and her mind went fuzzy, not unlike a moth to a flame. She stepped down to the lights and stood within their swarm, feeling a strange sense of calm wash over her.

"Kris, what are you doing?" Rimmer asked worriedly.

"… They're beautiful…," she sighed, gazing at them with wide-eyed wonderment.

Kryten tapped the psi-scan. "It's not registering on any scale - mass, velocity, molecular structure - all the readings are zero!"

The spheres suddenly zoomed away past the crew, and just like that, Kochanski's mind cleared and she realized what she was doing. They flew out of the ship, shot off into space and vanished, whereupon a ship materialized. They all gazed at it in silent wonder. The ship was long and angular, almost like a crooked stick, with some sections pink and other sections blue. It was amazing.

"Sir, I'm picking something up," Kryten announced, causing Rimmer to lean over his shoulder to look.

Kochanski was just about to come over to look as well, only to walk into a multi-colored flash that saw her finish up in a lovely pink and white room. Lots of soft furniture. Looked not unlike a relaxation spa. She listened for signs of a hot tub nearby but heard nothing but her own footsteps.

That was odd… she didn't normally have footsteps.

Then, there were more footsteps, and she turned to see a petite red-headed woman in a red-and-gold cotton bodysuit walk into the room. Her hair was in a tall bouffant style, and she had an H on her forehead that was in the center of a circle.

"I hope we didn't startle you," she said in a very posh voice. "Nirvanah Crane." She shook Kochanski's hand, taking the other woman off-guard.

"You touched me!" Kochanski exclaimed, staring at her hand in shock. "I can touch…"

A glass came hurtling through the air, and she just barely caught it. Nirvanah came over with another glass and a pitcher of what looked like juice.

"I have many questions," Kochanski stammered. "Starting with… 'how?'"

Nirvanah smiled. Kochanski noted that her smile was smug, superior and a tad condescending, but at the same time, there was a hint of warmth and maybe a mischievous twinkle. "This entire ship, its crew, and everything on it, is computer generated."

"You're all holograms? Even the ship?!"

Nirvanah clinked her glass against hers. "Salut."

"… Salut…"

They both took a sip.

It was a gorgeous ship. Kochanski was in seventh heaven. She immediately set about enjoying the one thing she had discovered she really missed when she was intangible – eating.

Nirvanah had escorted her to the galley, giving her a rundown of how things on their ship worked. Kochanski didn't quite hear most of it. She was too busy enjoying the amazing hologrammatic food the SSS Enlightenment had to offer. Hologrammatic as it was, there was no limit to what she could consume. She was just working through her fifth fried egg sandwich when Nirvanah – who'd simply been nattering on the whole time – said something that snapped her out of it.

"… and so naturally, with a crew just under two thousand, the sex deck is always a tad crowded, but it's no matter. We all know each other fairly well by now."

Kochanski almost forgot to swallow down her latest mouthful. "Sorry, your… what deck?"

"Our sex deck. Don't you have a sex deck on your ship?"

"Not that I know of."

Nirvanah frowned, for once looking confused. "Well, what do you do when you want to have sex?"

Kochanski shrugged. "Go for runs, watching gardening programs on the ship's vid…"

"That's very bad for you. Don't you ever get tense or frustrated?"

"Well, yes, but there are… other ways of dealing with that… You know, in private…"

Nirvanah creased her brow. "Extraordinary. It's very different here. In fact, it's a ship regulation that we all have sexual congress at least twice a day. It's a health rule."

Kochanski whistled. "Must go through a lot of Gatorade… So, you just… have sex with everyone?"

Nirvanah shrugged. "I suppose I've been with each member of the crew at least twice at this point."

"And you haven't… I dunno… grown 'attached' to anyone in particular?"

"There was a time when Commander Wilco and I got a tad wedged, but it wasn't entirely without – "

"No! Oh god, no. I mean… You haven't developed feelings for anyone? Like, you don't have a favorite person to have sex with?"

Nirvanah shook her head, finally beginning to understand. "Certainly not. It's not like that here. Emotions are simply a handicap that stagnate progress and curtail success. Love is a short-term hormonal distraction which interferes with the pure pursuit of personal advancement. We are holograms. There is no risk of disease or pregnancy. That is why in our society we only believe in sex - constant, guilt-free sex."

Kochanski began to become aware of just how close Nirvanah was leaning in right now and began to feel a little warm. She shoved the rest of her sandwich into her mouth and smiled awkwardly. "Yes, well… Definitely a fascinating concept you've presented me."

Nirvanah smiled pleasantly. "Perhaps when you've finished eating, I'll introduce you to the Captain. Then, if you're not too busy, we can have sex for a few hours."

Kochanski blinked. "Er… we'll see, yes."

She ordered another sandwich.

After just a few more meals, Kochanski had finally satisfied her hunger, and she was soon following Nirvanah to the Captain's Office. It was a room full of computer terminals with several crewmembers of various nationalities and similar pompous attitudes.

"Captain," Nirvanah announced, saluting a man with slicked-back blonde hair. "Miss Kristine Kochanski of the mining ship Red Dwarf."

The Captain leaned back a bit to look her over. "Miss Kochanski," he said, looking surprised. "Oh my word, it is one of the old class-1 holograms - I didn't realize that any of you were still around." He saluted her coolly. "Captain Hercule Platini, IQ two hundred twelve. Number One!"

The "Number One" stood up – a woman with a tall mound of black hair with gold zigzags. "Commander Natalina Pushkin, IQ two hundred one," she said in a thick Russian accent.

Another blonde crewman spoke up. "Commander Randy Navaro, IQ one hundred ninety-four."

"Pleasure," Kochanski said, holding out her hand. Nobody took it. She leaned over to Nirvanah and whispered. "Do they have to announce their IQs?"

"No, they don't," Nirvanah mumbled, sounding a trifle embarrassed. That was reassuring. There was a human being in there, after all.

"Captain, this is a magnificent ship," Kochanski said.

"So it should be, Miss Kochanski," Platini said as he went about his work. "After all, it was designed to carry the hologrammatic cream of the Space Corps. Every crew member is the top gun in his or her field. This is a ship, Miss Kochanski, of super-humans." He tucked some hair behind his ear needlessly and crossed back to his desk.

Kochanski rolled her eyes. This guy was giving Captain Kirk a run for his money.

At that moment, another man entered the room without even giving any of them a backwards glance. "Captain, I feel I must protest."

Now it was Platini's turn to roll his eyes. "I'm sure you must, Binks. What is it?"

"I feel it is pointless to investigate the derelict ship. Anyone with half a gnat's brain can tell that there is absolutely nothing of any value or intrigue on board."

"Derelict?" Kochanski asked.

"Your ship," Nirvanah clarified.

Platini regarded his officer. "Be that as it may, Binks, but we mustn't disobey prime directive. We are out here to search through hell and high water to investigate and contact other life forms and report strange space phenomena."

"On an old green shuttlecraft?" Binks scoffed. "I believe my hypothesis is correct – nothing of any worth. I see no reason for me to investigate."

Kochanski glanced at Nirvanah, and then addressed Platini. "Captain, permission to make a suggestion."

"Granted."

"Sir, as Commander Crane and I have already established a rapport, and if she has no objections, I'd be happy to show her around my 'derelict' and make a full report."

Nirvanah looked surprised, but she still managed a smile. "I have no objections."

"Splendid," Platini said, looking bored already. "Take all the time you need, Commander. We await your report."

Nirvanah saluted, and she walked out, followed by Kochanski, who stopped at a nearby dispensing machine and ordered a milkshake to drink on the way.

There was a flash of light, and Kochanski found herself on Starbug again. Before she time to reorient herself, she heard Nirvanah's voice next to her.

"Crane to Enlightenment," she said in that posh accent. "It's one of the old class-2 ship-to-surface vessels - the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws…"

As she walked about the ship, she noticed Rimmer, Cat and Kryten watching in bemused silence from the cockpit hatchway. They came down to say hello, but Nirvanah was breezing straight past them, like they were invisible, and observing the cockpit now, taking note of how it broke several safety regulations.

Rimmer silently inquired what was going on, but Kochanski signaled for him to wait a minute.

Eventually, Nirvanah came back around, still speaking into her communications device. "Crew of three," she continued, looking first at Kryten. "Series 4000 mechanoid, nearly burnt out, give it three years…"

Kryten slumped, offended.

She moved onto the Cat, who attempted to smile charmingly at her. "Ah, Felis Sapiens - bred from the domestic house cat and about half as smart," she said, making his smile fall. "Still – fashion sense seems most impeccable."

That got his smile back up again.

Nirvanah turned to the next person in line. She started to say, "What have we here?" but only got as far as, "What have we…?" before her voice trailed off and she found herself looking right into Rimmer's eyes. "…here?" she finished, clearly taken aback by… something.

There was a long silence as she held the now-forgotten communicator to her mouth, her eyes still locked with Rimmer's, who looked half-uncomfortable and half-breathtaken.

Off to the side, Cat, Kryten and Kochanski were observing, briefly confused by what was taking place. They thought perhaps Nirvanah's light bee had developed a glitch and she'd frozen, but her eyes were still blinking.

Then, it began to dawn on them.

"Oh, no…," said Cat. "Oh, hell no…"

Kochanski put a hand to her mouth in open shock. "Is this really happening?" she whispered.

"Better damn well not be…," Cat hissed back.

Kryten looked bemused. "Is what happening, ma'am?"

"She's… interested… in Rimmer."

"Well, I'm sure he's an interesting person. Didn't you once say a psychiatrist would have a field day with him?"

"No, I mean… she's attracted to him."

Kryten blinked, then did a double take as the concept penetrated his CPU.

Rimmer and Nirvanah seemed oblivious to what was being said around them. They just continued to stare into each other's eyes.

At last, Nirvanah found her voice, and she spoke into the communicator. "A human being," she murmured. "… Might require further study… Will report back."

They watched as she lowered the communicator back to her belt holster, and her face did a weird dance that looked like a cross between a prim and proper lady and a girlish grin.

"Flight Commander Nirvanah Crane," she said, trying to sound professional.

Rimmer blinked before realizing he should speak now. "Er… Second Technician Arnold Rimmer," he replied, almost holding out a hand before remembering she was a hologram. "Welcome aboard Starbug."

Realizing she was still staring, Nirvanah managed to pull herself back together and proceeded to address the rest of the crew. At least, she tried to, but her eyes kept glancing back towards Rimmer and lingering just a second or two too long.

"I am from the SSS Enlightenment," she said briskly. "We are currently exploring the furthest reaches of deep space and conducting research. We would like to investigate your vessel for further study."

Kryten regained control of his verbal systems. "We'd be honored to have you aboard, ma'am," he said courteously, secretly pleased his ability to lie was coming through nicely. "We'll plot a course for Red Dwarf straight away."

Kryten and Cat headed for the cockpit to make a flight plan with Holly while the others lingered in the mid-section.

Kochanski quietly observed the two. Nirvanah was quietly walking around, trying to look casual but still stealing glimpses at Rimmer every so often. Rimmer, on the other hand, just stood there, clearly not sure what to do and blatantly watching her while his brain tried to come back online.

At last, Kochanski cleared her throat. "Rimmer, why don't you give them a hand in the cockpit, please?"

A look that resembled disappointment and immense relief cascaded over Rimmer's face as he turned and scurried up into the cockpit.

Once he was out of earshot, Kochanski sidled up to Nirvanah. "You okay?"

"Fine!" Nirvanah said, still trying to look all superior. "Absolutely fine!"

"It's just that… you seemed a tad… taken with Rimmer."

"I most certainly was not! I was just… I mean… Who's Rimmer?" she finished lamely.

Kochanski couldn't help the small smile on her face. "It's okay, you know. I mean… in many ways, it's not okay. It's Rimmer, for crying out loud, but really, there's nothing wrong with it!"

"But it's not our way!" Nirvanah whispered frantically. "Emotions are worthless. It's just sex for us. Nothing but. And even then, it's only exercise."

"And you want to exercise with him."

"… Well, he's got nice shoulders…"

Kochanski giggled. It was so refreshing having another woman to talk to. "Well, I'm sure there's a way you two could… exercise together."

"He's human. I'm a hologram. We're missing that ever-so-vital third dimension to complete physical intercourse."

"Not a problem," Kochanski smiled knowingly. "There are ways."

The flight back to Red Dwarf was brief and quiet. Rimmer and Nirvanah were like two lovesick teenagers, constantly glancing at each other but ultimately too shy thanks to years of neuroses to really say anything.

"Come on, then," said Kochanski, leading the team down the ramp to the landing bay. "Let's give Nirvanah some space to conduct her examination of our ship." She smiled at Rimmer. "I don't suppose you'd like to show Commander Crane around, would you?"

Rimmer stammered for a moment. "Er… I suppose… I mean… I would really like… I mean…"

"Good! Have fun!" And she turned and scurried from the room.

Rimmer watched her leave, looking like he had finally thought of an objection, before realizing Nirvanah was standing next to him, trying to look at him without really looking at him.

Now, Rimmer, bless his buttoned vests, didn't know much about women, so he didn't really know what to make of her behavior. There was that small terrified part of him that thought maybe she was genuinely interested, but there was the cynical part of him that thought he was so ugly that she must be trying to avoid looking at his nostrils.

"So…," he said at last. "What would you like to see first?"

Nirvanah smiled bashfully, and it was the single loveliest thing he had ever seen. "Well…," she said, "… I was hoping we could just go for a stroll and talk about… I don't know… things."

"… Really?"

"Yes. I mean… unless you don't want to."

"No! I mean, yes! I mean… Yes, I do, in fact, want to walk with you."

She looked momentarily like she wanted to have a much bigger reaction before she regained her composure and managed to appear far more dignified than, in fact, she was. "Excellent. Perhaps you can give me a history of your ship."

Rimmer nodded as he fell in step alongside her. "Yes, well… The Jupiter Mining Corporation had a lot of budget cuts, you see…"

As they walked off, they didn't notice Kochanski lingering in the hatchway to the landing bay with a triumphant smile on her face.

Rimmer couldn't believe how fast time had flown by. A cursory glance at his watch while waiting for a lift told him that he and Nirvanah had somehow been walking and talking for almost two straight hours. His talk about Red Dwarf had segued into talk about her ship, and then that had developed into a conversation about society as a whole.

"… and then we discarded the concept of 'family' when scientists determined that all of our hang-ups were a result of our parents."

"I knew it!" Rimmer said triumphantly.

"You would most definitely fit in with our society, Mr. Rimmer," she said, smiling up at him. "A pity you're not a hologram. You seem to understand our ways."

Rimmer's nostrils flared with pride. "Yes, well… I always thought as much myself."

"Even more a pity your mind and talent are wasted on a vending machine operative. You'd have made a first class officer."

"… You really think?"

"Absolutely! Why did you never become one?"

Rimmer's expression faltered briefly at a raw nerve being picked at, but he managed to find the words. "Well, you see… my father wanted to be in the Space Corps, but he wasn't tall enough, so he forced my brothers and me and into it. They became captains, test pilots, and I… couldn't pass the astro-navigation exam. I tried again and again, just to make him happy, but… in the end, I just couldn't hack it. And now, here I am, all the way out here, and I just… I've had to face up to the reality that it just wasn't meant to be."

Nirvanah was regarding him curiously from the other side of the lift, her head tilted as she listened to him. He decided to continue.

"Not that that's a bad thing. If anything, it might've been the best thing to ever happen to me. I mean, now I'm free to figure out what I really want from life."

She took a tentative step closer. "And… what is it you really want, Mr. Rimmer?"

He found himself suddenly very interested in her eyes again. "Well… I mean… I want…" Oh god, was he really going to say this? He barely knew this woman! But it amazed him at how easy it was to say it to her. "I would really like to go on a date with you."

The words impacted on her, and he wondered if he'd gotten it terribly wrong, but then, she smiled a shy smile. "That would be... interesting," she said, "especially considering that I'm a hologram and you're a human."

Rimmer thought for a moment, and then an idea came to him.

The waiter filled their wine glasses and curtseyed briefly before turning away from their table. Rimmer smiled pleasantly and looked across at Nirvanah, clinking his glass with hers. "Salut," he said warmly.

"Salut," she replied, grinning as she took a sip.

The cafe overlooked the small French city with a spectacular view of the lights. The sunset had been gorgeous, reflecting on the river, and the food absolutely impeccable. Especially notable, however, was Nirvanah's dress, which draped beautifully across her petite form. The tiny flame of the candle flickered in the reflection of her eyes, which wasn't a poor metaphor for the way she looked at him as the night wore on.

Rimmer hadn't bothered to check his watch since they'd arrived. Time simply didn't matter anymore. They'd talked about a wide range of topics, discussing their childhoods, careers, thoughts on life and the universe and strange adventures they'd had in deep space. He'd swallowed his pride and told the story of getting hit on by his female self, which had her giggling in that lovely melodious voice. It amazed him how much he had to say - things he hadn't even known he'd thought about. His parents, his brothers, his life in general, and the best part was that she didn't run away or give him pitying looks. She just put her hand on his and listened attentively.

The night wore on, as more and more patrons at the restaurant came and went, and they continued through that bottle of wine, chattering away and laughing more freely as they did so. They leaned closer over the table, and the flame in the candle reflected in their eyes even brighter in the darkness. At one moment, just as she giggled at his inability to remember a punchline, their faces were mere inches apart, and they realized they could smell the wine on each others' breath, like a lure in the ocean.

As they looked deep into each others eyes, Rimmer froze. His mind raced, wondering what he should do. Kiss her? Pull away? Ask first, then kiss her? He briefly tried to recall the hypnosis tips from his old dating book, but he quickly put that thought away. She deserved better than that.

He spent so much time thinking that he was almost unaware that she had closed the gap between them and started kissing him. He let out a soft moan and leaned in, kissing her back. When they pulled apart, he saw a look he had never once received in his entire life - desire.

She caught her breath and whispered, "If you're not in any great rush... we could have sex for a few hours."

It was a tad awkward, but he knew from their long conversations that she wasn't used to asking in a more conventional way. Just as well, as he wasn't all that familiar with the conventional ways anyway. "I'd like that," he replied.

She smiled.

Rimmer briefly considered disentangling himself from the bed sheets, but he decided he liked lying here instead. He leaned back against the pillow and stared straight ahead, his mind blown. Twice in one lifetime - he was turning into Hugh Heffner!

"That was absolutely incredible," he sighed blissfully.

He looked across at Nirvanah, lying next to him in a similar disheveled state, but her expression pensive.

"It's never been like that before," she murmured.

He felt a stab of anxiety in his brain. "Was it okay?"

"It was... different."

"In what way, 'different'?"

"You make love like a Japanese meal. Small portions, but so many courses," she said with an increasingly wicked smile.

Rimmer blinked, not sure if that was completely a compliment, but the smile on her face told him it was okay. "Nirvanah...," he said quietly, "I'm not very good at this... but I just want to say... I think you are the most beautiful, wonderful, intelligent women I have ever been with. And as I said before, my experience is extremely limited."

Nirvanah smiled kindly this time, but he saw the sadness as well. "It's not like anything I have ever had," she said. "Something more than just exercise. It's... frightening... but in a good way."

"I imagine it must be," he replied gently. He swallowed and forced himself to say what needed to be said. "I wish it didn't have to end."

"Nor do I," she replied, interlocking her fingers with his. "This has been like... a most wonderful holiday. One I shall always treasure in my heart."

The emotions swirling around in Rimmer's head drove him made, but he quashed them down. "As shall I."

They laid in bed for a long time, deciding to pretend that this would continue a little longer.

Rimmer sadly removed the Artificial Reality mask and found himself back on Red Dwarf. He straightened his slightly-wrinkled clothes and got used to being in the room again.

The air next to him rippled momentarily, and the small light bee that sat next to him floated into the air and projected Nirvanah's image once again. She made sure her uniform looked professional and that her hair remained in place before daring to look at him. They managed a pair of weak smiles before slowly walking out of the room.

"Thanks, Hol," Rimmer said quietly to the wall monitor.

Holly nodded sympathetically before vanishing.

Soon, they stood in the transport room. Kochanski was there as well to say goodbye. She shook hands with Nirvanah and thanked her for allowing her aboard the holoship before hastily departing, allowing them some privacy.

Rimmer clasped his hands behind his back. He wanted to hug her or something but knew it to be impossible. He simply looked at her with a sad smile.

"Thank you for the loveliest night I have ever had," he said quietly.

"And thank you for a most fascinating day," she replied, her voice wavering slightly. "It has been most... fascinating."

They stood awkwardly for a few seconds before she acquired a look of determination and approached him, stopping mere inches from his face.

"Promise me something."

"... Of course."

"You told me a lot about yourself today. Clearly things you have kept dark for many years. Through all the neurotic mess you paint yourself as, I believe I see the real you underneath, and he's someone nice trying to get out. Someone who deserves a chance to grow. Promise me you will."

Rimmer swallowed, feeling his emotions swirl around again. "I... I don't know if I can... without you."

She smiled sadly. "You can, Arnie. I believe in you. No matter how far away I am, I know you can do it."

"You really think?"

She put a finger to her lips and used it to carry a small hologrammatic kiss to his lips. He couldn't feel her finger, but he felt the warmth from her projection.

"I really think," she whispered.

Without taking her eyes off of him, she stepped back, placed a hand over her heart, gave him one last smile, and then in a multi-colored flash of light, she teleported home.

Long into the night, Rimmer sat in a chair in the Observation Dome, staring out into the furthest reaches of space. The holoship was long gone, departed hours ago, but he still sat there, basking in her memory.

He noticed movement out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't turn to look. He simply waited for Kochanski to speak.

"... You okay?" she asked at last.

He didn't respond. He just kept looking into space.

Kochanski cleared her throat and tried again. "No, I suppose not," she conceded. "But may I tell you something?"

He didn't look at her, but he didn't object.

"Whatever you're feeling right now, be it pain or warmth or whatever...," she said quietly, "... it's a good thing. You let her in. Let her be close to you." She smiled briefly. "It's what happens when you make time for people."

He nodded distantly. "I don't know what I feel," he admitted. "So many different things. But I can't help but get this feeling that... she liked me."

Kochanski laughed abruptly. "Yes, well... no accounting for taste, eh?"

Rimmer smirked at her but continued. "I don't know much about love, Kris. I don't know if it really happens over the course of a day. But she definitely liked me. And in any other time or place, I think we could've made a real go of it." He began to smile at her. "And somehow, that feels like enough right now."

Kochanski smiled and settled down on the bench with him, watching the stars. "Mind if I join you?"

"Only if you're yearning for that ship to come back as well."

"Definitely. All-you-can-eat buffet. Best cottage cheese I've ever had."

Author's Notes: Hope that was worth the wait! Coming soon - The Inquisitor!