Holly's message to report to the Science Room served as an annoying interruption to Kochanski's plans for the day. As a hologram, there wasn't a lot she could plan to do in the first place other than oversee what someone else was doing, but what the hell, she still had a life to live.

She joined Cat and Kryten in the Science Room, where they surrounded Holly's overhead terminal. "What's the problem, Holly?" she asked.

Holly shifted awkwardly. "Just got a distress call from Rimmer."

"A distress call?" Cat asked. "Is it video? Should I make popcorn?"

"Cat, shut up," Kochanski groaned. "Where is he?"

"He went moon-hopping in Starbug this morning with his paint kit," Holly explained. "There was an S3 planet that he touched down on, but the radio link went down. Managed to get this before the call ended."

Holly's visage faded away, replaced now by a crackling video of Rimmer looking incredibly terrified. "Kris, Kryten - someone!" he shouted over what sounded like explosions. "This planet's exploding! I'm not going to be able to escape in time! If you can follow Starbug's trace, do it quickly! There's something coming for - !"

The video cut to static, and Holly reappeared. "Doesn't look good, eh?" she said.

"Understatement of the year," Kochanski replied. "Can you follow the signal back to his ship?"

"Yeah, I'll send it to Blue Midget's navicomp, and you lot can start finding him."

Upon arriving at the destroyed Starbug, they found it a complete wreck. They searched the wreckage for Rimmer, but nothing could be found.

"No luck?" asked Kochanski, stepping across the wreckage.

"None, ma'am," Kryten replied, dusting himself off. "I fear Mr Rimmer is long gone."

"Probably gone to look for shelter. Maybe we should - ow!"

Cat and Kryten watched in bemusement as Kochanski tripped over a fallen stantion and landed in the grass. She grasped her sore ankle and rubbed it, quietly tutting at the now-forming bruise.

Then, she stopped, realizing what just happened. "What… the… hell… is going on?" she demanded, her eyes widening.

Cat came over and gave her a sniff. "It's still her, all right, but… not quite… What the hell's happening?"

"Must be something to do with this planet," said Kryten, already running her over with the psi scan. "Suggest we return to Blue Midget and plan a course of action."

"Agreed," said Kochanski, getting shakily to her feet. "My sense of smell is back, and this place stinks."

Returning to their cockpit, they got in touch with Holly again and had her put out a search for him.

"Got him," she announced. "Click and a half due south."

"Then I'll activate the caterpillar tracks," said Kryten, taking to the controls in the cramped cockpit. It proved good that they took Blue Midget.

Kochanski stepped in, already eating a snack bar because she could, and peered over their shoulders.

They peered out the viewscreen at the crazy mixed-up world. Thick jungles, gungey marshses and random fireballs exploding everywhere - not your ideal holiday spot.

"This is one freaked out place," murmured Cat. "Strange animal noises, unbearable stench, squelchy underfoot. It's almost like the last time Laundry Shoot Nostrils tried to cook!"

"Lots of life signs popping up as well," added Kochanski, getting crumbs all over the scanner. "And all of them hostile. It's almost as though they just popped into existence. Could they have come with the planet?"

Holly appeared on the crumb-covered monitor. "How many of those have you had?"

"Don't judge me!"

"I have it," said Kryten, looking up from his screen. "I believe this is a psi-moon."

"What's a psi-moon?" asked the Cat.

"An artificial planetoid. It can tune into an individual psyche and adapts its terrain to mimic his mental state. In this instance, I believe it reconfigured itself using Mr. Rimmer's subconscious as a template."

Kochanski finished off her snack and tossed the wrapper in the bin. "So you're saying this is Rimmer's mind?" she asked, gesturing to the outside world.

"Correct, ma'am. And we are wading around inside it."

A loud roar erupted from somewhere nearby, making them all jump.

"This sounds like a twelve-change-of-underwear trip," Cat remarked.

"But why am I human again?" Kochanski asked.

"Technically, you're not human, ma'am. The psi-moon has created a physical form, as it does for all intangibles. Once we depart its influence, you shall return to normal."

"So if this is supposed to be Rimmer's mind, where is he?"

"No doubt he was taken by his own personal demons, ma'am," Kryten elaborated.

"You mean, all those life signs we got, they're literally demons?"

"All his neuroses. All his personal demons will be incarnated here - made flesh. Each person's mindscape is unique but we could well encounter, say, Mr. Rimmer's lust personified as some kind of slobbering, rampaging beast."

Kochanski made a face. "Lovely. I vote we send the Cat out first."

"No chance in hell!" Cat replied, strapping himself to his seat immediately.

"Every individual's mental landscape is dominated by one drive. In some cases it might be ambition, in others greed, envy, or the desire to please. Whatever it is that took Mr. Rimmer, we can only pray that its intentions are benign."

Kochanski peered out into the dense wilderness. "I'll be over here not holding my breath," she muttered.

The journey continued for many minutes before Kryten brought the ship to a halt.

Kochanski popped her head back in, munching on another snack bar. "What's going on? Why have we stopped?"

"I don't like the look of that swamp, ma'am. I don't think it will support Blue Midget. I suggest we continue the journey on foot."

"What, go out there?!"

"Out into Rimmer's subconscious?!" added the Cat fearfully.

"According to the signal we're almost on top of him," said Holly, reminding them all that she was there. "Shouldn't be more than two or three hundred meters."

Kochanski nodded, finished off her snack and nabbed a bazookoid. "Okay," she said. "It's Rimmer's mind out there. Be ready for anything."

"Be careful, ma'am," Kryten advised. "I don't believe you've ever actually used a bazookoid before."

Kochanski smirked. "Please, Kryten, I used to take archery lessons in Glasgow."

Cat's brow crumpled in confusion. "How the hell is firing a bazookoid like using a bow and arrow?"

"Trust me, there won't be any - whoops!"

A brief blast of laser fired out of the bazookoid and struck a nearby computer, sending a lovely cascade of sparks and smoke all over the cockpit. They stared at it in silent shock before Kochanski cleared her throat.

"Kryten, could you maybe show me where the safety is?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Paddling across a swamp full of gas fires went by remarkably quickly, all things considered. In all honesty, it could've been much worse, considering how much hair spray the Cat tended to use. They made it to the dock and scurried across.

Cat noticed a sign that read 'The Swamp of Despair'. "Oh great, this gets better and better," he complained.

"Is it my imagination, or are those frogs croaking 'useless'?" asked Kochanski.

After Cat plucked a blood-sucking leech off her neck that had the face of Rimmer's mother, Kryten's voice called out. "Ma'am! I've found someone!"

Kochanski hurried over a small hill and found Kryten standing over a man dressed in white, purple and pink, wearing a wide-brimmed hat with a feather on it, and clutching weakly at a sword. He looked very near death, and also a bit like…

"Rimmer?!" she exclaimed, running over to him.

"I beg your pardon, madam?" he asked in a clearly-fake French accent.

Cat joined the crowd, looking the strange mustachioed man over and sniffing him briefly. "This ain't Rimmer," he confirmed. "Doesn't smell right."

"Confirmed," said Kryten, tapping the psi scan. "This isn't Mr Rimmer, but a construct from his mind. This must be one of his personality traits."

"Who are you?" Kochanski asked, kneeling down next to him.

"I go by the name of Hope, ma'am," the man replied. "I fear I am not long for this sinful world."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I fear I am dying. It is as though the life force is slowly draining from me."

"Is there anything we can do to help you, sir?" Kryten asked.

"My only hope is that my brothers come soon, but I fear they are in a similar condition to me."

"Your brothers?" asked the Cat. "Who are they?"

"Oh, quite a few of us," Hope smiled. "Self-Respect, Self-Confidence, Generosity, Honor, Love, Charm…"

"Gonna take a guess and say he's the short one."

"Cat, shh!" Kochanski scolded before readdressing Hope. "Where are your brothers?"

"If they are not already dead, they are on the way out. We had hoped we were on the mend, finally coming back to life, but now… we fear we are falling again… and perhaps this time, we shall not recover."

Kryten looked horrified. "Ma'am, psychologically speaking, Mr Rimmer might be in greater danger than we feared. If we don't get to him before this man and his brothers die, we may never get out of this nightmare."

Kochanski nodded in agreement. "We're looking for a man named Rimmer. Have you seen him?"

"Possibly," Hope said weakly, pointing feebly in one direction. "I saw a man being dragged away by the hooded demons. I tried to go to his aid, but alas… I simply do not have the strength."

Kochanski patted his knee. "Well, if this works out, perhaps we can find your strength again. Just wait here and get some rest."

Hope smiled faintly. "Such kindness and bravery, ma'am. I wish you and your friends success." He held her gaze for a moment before his head lolled back and fell against the grass.

Kochanski got to her feet. "Come on, boys," she said, following where Hope had pointed. "Let's do this."

They eventually found a rock temple, and after a few minutes of digging through shrubs, they located a small tunnel just big enough for the three of them to crawl through. Using the psi scan as a guide, they clambered through, listening to the noises within.

Thankfully, it didn't take long for Rimmer's nasal tones to finally start echoing in the distance. Following the sound, they crawled through the dust and cobwebs until they spotted an air grate.

Then, they heard the most terrifying roar that reverberated up and down the tunnel, almost shattering their eardrums.

"Whatever that was," muttered the Cat, "let's hope it's had lunch."

"It's right below us," said Kryten.

"Who are you?" they heard a voice ask. Peering down, they saw it belonged to Rimmer. "And why are you being so horrible to me?"

They saw through the bars that Rimmer had been manacled to a pillar, and stripped to some kind of loincloth, not to mention he'd seemingly been dipped in oil. Kochanski couldn't help but marvel that, for a nerdy smeghead, he somehow kept in decent shape.

They could also see the thin bony shadow of whoever shared the room with him. "It is you who created me, nurtured me, help me grow strong. I am the part of you that hates yourself. I am your self-loathing."

"My self-loathing?" Rimmer asked.

"Is it not true that you despise yourself? That you detest your own incompetence and stupidity? That you hold yourself in contempt for your countless failures and disappointments? Is it not true that you feel nothing but the deepest, blackest rancor for that walking vomit stain the world calls Arnold Rimmer? Is it not true?"

Rimmer's face contorted briefly as he tried to think of a response, but then, in a small broken voice, he squeaked, "...Yes."

Just hearing how broken he sounded caused a flare of anger to surge through Kochanski, and she grabbed the air grate. "Give me a hand," she hissed. "We're getting him out of there."

Kryten obliged, but the Cat stayed put. "You got a plan for defeating that freak of nature?"

"Shoot at it until it's dead. Now come on."

They got the grate open, tumbled into the open, dove behind some steps and unleashed a volley of bazookoid fire on the creature. All three of them fired fiercely, blazing away at the howling creature with it's big round head and long talons. The amount of noise they made caused a small section of the rock ceiling to break apart and collapse, kicking up a thick white cloud of smoke.

With their ammo spent and unable to even see the creature anymore, they heard its loud voice ask in a bored tone, "Is it my turn now?"

Kochanski's jaw dropped. Whatever they'd done to it, it didn't seem even remotely affected by any of the damage. "Reload!" she ordered.

"Ma'am, another barrage of bazookoid fire could start a rockslide and bury us all!"

"I said 'reload', dammit!"

Rimmer coughed through the dust in shock. "You'd risk your lives for me?!"

"Of course!" said Kryten. "You're part of the crew!"

With those words, the creature let out a howl of pain and keeled over, roaring all the way back to a large steaming hole in the ground, disappearing down it, its ungodly scream echoing throughout the temple.

In that same instant, Rimmer's loincloth and oiled body faded away into his usual clothes, and the manacles crumbled to rust, allowing him to get free. "What happened?" he asked, astonished.

"Where'd he go?" asked the Cat, peering down the hole.

Kryten looked thoughtful. "There's an old android saying which I believe is peculiarly appropriate here," he said. "In binary language it goes something like this: zero zero one one zero zero one one one zero one one zero zero zero one one one one zero zero, which roughly translated, means, 'Don't stand around jabbering when you're in mortal danger'."

Of course, by now, the others had already departed, so he scurried after them.

Kochanski led the group back through the shrubs until they found the spot where they'd left Hope. She felt relief rush through her when she saw that he now could sit up straight.

"My friends, you have returned victorious!" he said cheerfully. "You have located and rescued your comrade! My heartiest congratulations!"

Rimmer stared at him incredulously. "Who the hell is this?"

"Mr Rimmer, this is your hope."

"My what?"

"Hope, monsieur," the man replied, getting shakily to his feet. "I must say, being in your presence makes me feel better already."

"Suppose it had to start with someone," remarked the Cat.

"What are you talking about?" Rimmer demanded. "What is this place, and who is he?"

"You don't know what this place is?"

"Yes, it's a hell hole. It's a nightmare. It's a stinking infested pit of putridness."

Kochanski bit her lip, reluctant to tell him. "Rimmer, it's your mind."

"My what?"

"She's right, sir. This is a psi-moon. It alters the terrain to fit someone's psyche. In this case, yours."

"So what are you saying to me? That thing... that, that beast... that lives inside my mind?"

"Metaphorically speaking, yes."

"Self-loathing…?"

Hope sneered with disgust. "Ah, you speak of the Unspeakable One," he said. "Yes, my brothers and I have fought to defeat him for many years, but he has always bested us. We thought we might be getting close, but today, he seemed to grow stronger."

Kochanski thought about that for a moment, then locked eyes with Kryten, who seemed to be thinking along the same lines as her. Nodding to him, she turned to Rimmer. "Look, don't worry about it, okay?"

Rimmer looked up, confused. "What?"

"Look, I know you've been through absolute hell today, but it's okay. We're all here for you, and we're going to keep you safe, okay?"

Rimmer just stared at her, not sure what to say. "Er… thanks?"

At that moment, they heard a loud howl of pain coming from the temple. The booming voice of the Unspeakable One rang out. "Cease this nauseating display!" it roared. "I have spent decades ruling this domain. I will not let anyone take this power from me. Either hand over the worm, or you shall all die. Do not make an enemy of me."

Cat swallowed. "I'm really not interested in making an enemy of him."

Hope, however, drew his sword. "He shall not harm you, my friend," he declared. "I shall die a thousand times before he even comes near any of you! I believe it to be so!"

Another voice, similar to his, rang out from the jungle. "Only if I shall by your side as well, brother!"

They all turned, and through the brush arrived another man completely identical to Hope, brandishing his own sword.

"Honor!" Hope exclaimed delightedly. "How much better you are looking!"

"And you as well, Hope!" Honor declared, running up to him. "As all the others are as well!"

"You mean…?"

"Self-Respect, Self-Confidence, Generosity… Even little Charm is looking better than he has in years!"

Cat grinned. "Told ya!"

The Unspeakable One's angry voice shouted over the landscape. "NO! Charge, my hordes of darkness! Bring me the head of the Despicable One."

Honor and Hope immediately started pushing the others towards the boat dock. "Hurry, my friends!" ordered Hope. "Escape across the Swamp of Despair! My brothers and I shall not let the Hordes of Darkness pass!"

Rimmer continued to look on in utter confusion as he allowed the others to guide him back to the canoe, sitting in the middle with them. As he watched the fight from the swamp, he saw more of his positive personality traits, all dressed like musketeers, join in the fight and battle the hooded ones. Triumphant battle cries rang out across the jungle, and with each one, he felt a little… happier.

At last, they arrived back at Blue Midget, still standing safely where they'd left it. They climbed up the embarkation ramp and stumbled wearily into the cockpit.

"Oh good, you brought him home," said Holly happily. "Nice to see you in one piece, Arnie."

Rimmer blinked in surprise, but he smiled back. "Glad to be in one piece, Holly," he replied. "I've been kidnapped, stripped, oiled, menaced, manacled, licked, nibbled, chained, tortured, humiliated, and I nearly had a knobbly thing the size and shape of a Mexican agabe cactus jammed up where only customs men dare to probe."

"Is that right?" Kochanski grinned. "I'll have to find me one of them…"

Cat took the controls, and Blue Midget slowly rose into the air above the psi-moon, triumphantly escaping the planet's hold. They peered out the viewscreen and saw the battle had ended, and the positive personality traits engaged in a celebration over the fallen enemies.

"Right then," said Kochanski. "We'll start salvaging the damaged Starbug straight away. If nothing else, we can use it for spare parts." She strode into the rear section with Rimmer following her.

"How long before you don't have a body anymore?" he asked gently.

"Probably only a few minutes at most," she said sadly. "Still, should leave me with enough time for one more thing."

"Yeah, I saw all the snack bar wrappers."

"No, you smeghead. I mean this."

Then, to Rimmer's shock, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. He stood there, arms outstretched beyond her and not quite sure what to do or say.

She didn't look up at him, but she rubbed his back and smiled. "You do know you're my friend, right? I mean, just in case you didn't know, you're my friend. And so are Holly, Cat and Kryten, even if they don't always know it. And we'll always come rescue you. Okay? Don't forget that."

Rimmer felt a warmth spread through him as he finally managed to get his arms working and wrapped them around her as well. "I… won't," he said at last.

They stayed like that until it wasn't physically possible for her anymore, but somehow, Rimmer felt it was enough.

Author's Notes: This may be the shortest chapter from Series V. Terrorform isn't really a favorite - great concept, but all just to sh*t all over Rimmer.

Anyway! Next week: Quarantine!