Kochanski paced across Starbug's cockpit behind Rimmer and Cat as they brought the craft in for a landing. She missed the days when she could deal with her anxieties by drumming her fingers on a desk or having a glass of chardonnay, but alas, as a hologram, she could only tap her foot and wring her hands.
"We've landed," Holly announced. "Great big science lab in the middle of a semi-tundra. Don't forget your sun tan lotion, eh?"
Kryten checked the readouts. "Gravity one point five. Wind forty knots and variable. Coordinates locked and set. Launch Scouter."
Cat flipped a switch on the console, and they watched as the Scouter - which resembled one of those handheld neck massagers from the twenty-first century - puttered out into the snow towards the nearby complex.
Kryten glanced back at Kochanski, who continued to fidget nervously. "Is everything okay, ma'am?"
"Never felt better," she said distractedly, trying to refrain from nibbling her nails.
"I still can't believe you want to go through with this," Rimmer muttered.
"It's for the good of the mission," she said half-convincingly.
"Agreed, ma'am," said Kryten brightly. "I really do feel Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom will be an asset to the team."
Kochanski nodded and resumed pacing, her mind flashing back to early that morning when they'd first found the planet below, not to mention the scientific research center at its north pole. Holly's success in hacking the ancient computers determined that the work of the men and women of this place consisted of some 'very impressive stuff' as the senile AI put it. All the crew had long since passed, and the station was abandoned in the process, but the records indicated that the leader of the team, Dr Hildegard Lanstrom, still lived somewhere as a hologram.
Kryten naturally suggested they ought to rescue her, something Kochanski agreed on immediately - and subsequently regretted as it became clear there could only be one way to rescue her. They needed to commandeer her remote projection unit in order to rescue her. Plus, Holly could only sustain one hologram at a time, meaning the two of them couldn't co-exist together. The idea of not existing for periods of time made her very anxious, but she didn't like showing it.
Rimmer, on the other hand, showed an irritating amount of insight today as he glanced at her from time to time. "Are you sure you really want to do this? We could always try getting the projection suite from the Nova 5 working again."
Kochanski nodded distantly. "That could take months, though," she said. "We let it just sit there and rot without proper maintenance. What were the odds we'd find another hologram all the way out here?"
"Ran into a whole bunch of 'em about a month ago," Cat reminded her.
"... Fair point, but still."
"We can't simply ignore the beacon, ma'am," Kryten reminded her. "We must rescue her."
"I'm aware of that, Kryten, and we will."
"And we're just going to switch you off in order to do that?" Rimmer asked incredulously. "How the hell are you okay with this?"
Kochanski shrugged nervously. "I… I don't know. We'll just… work something out. Some kind of timeshare."
"What do you think you are, a holiday villa in the Algarve?"
Kryten stepped forward, using his perfect logic. "Sir, might I remind you, as Space Corps directive one-six-nine quite clearly states -"
"Oh god, make it stop," Rimmer groaned, rubbing his eyes. "Why the hell are we following all these 'Space Corps Directives'? Last time I checked, we are all that is left of the Space Corps."
Kryten looked alarmed. "Sir, the Space Corps directives are there to protect us. They are not a set of vindictive pronouncements directed against any one person."
"Does that include the one forbidding officers from reporting for duty wearing a ginger toupee?" asked Holly.
Kochanski looked at her in shock. "Wait, is that an actual directive?" she asked incredulously. She could only remember a handful of those directives herself, and she'd never heard that one.
"Oh yeah," Holly confirmed. "One-seven-four-two. I think it was a late addition…"
Kryten shrugged, not seeing a problem. "I'm sure it was added for a good reason, ma'am."
"I should think so," agreed the Cat. "I've seen those Space Corps uniforms. Red hair with beige? Oughta be outlawed!"
Kochanski held up her hands to get the conversation back on track. "Look, ridiculous directives or not, the fact remains that we have a hologram in distress, and it's out of basic human decency that we're rescuing her." She paused to think. "Holly, what's Dr Landstrom's light bee running on right now?"
"Well, I can't pinpoint her location at the moment," Holly replied, "but I do know she'd be running off the station's solar energy."
"Then I'd like to meet her at least once, seeing as how we'll never get to meet again. I'll go as well."
"Are you quite certain, ma'am?" Kryten asked.
"Yes, I need to meet her at least once. For… closure, you know?"
Rimmer grimaced but said nothing, his opinion already apparent. She knew he wasn't keen on being without her, but Kryten had already guilted them both into doing the "right thing", so here they were.
The research center creaked like an old wooden house, a strange mist dancing in the air as they slowly stepped inside. Not quite what they wanted to find, to say the least. Between the creaking gantries and dripping fluids in the distance, it seemed only natural that some psychotic murderous creature would eventually leap out and attack them. Adding to the overall unpleasantness, Kryten found the psi-scan glitching right when they needed confirmation that they weren't all about to die from toxic fumes.
At last, while Kryten found a silver briefcase with some fancy chemicals in it, they came across a nest of stasis pods. To their surprise, one of them came sliding out.
"Our arrival seems to have activated it," Kryten whispered before calling out. "Dr Lanstrom? Are you there, Doctor?"
A very thick female German accent wafted through the air in a singsong voice. "And whom might you be?"
"Heard your beacon and figured you needed a tow truck," Kochanski said brightly, hoping to mask the anxiety that came with meeting this woman. Knowing that her own existence would be halved by her presence, she wanted to make the most of what would probably be her singular meeting with Landstrom.
For a moment, silence, and then, "Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say? Life without pain has no meaning. My friends, I wish to give your lives meaning."
Lanstrom sat up in the stasis pod and revealed her matted hair and scrunchy face that looked as though she were coated in freezer burn. A low warbling howl straight from the bowels of Hell reverberated against the metal walls. Her eyes glowed a fluorescent red color and electrical bolts blasted straight at the crew, who were thankfully fast enough to dodge them and run.
"Well! Guess she's not coming with, then!" Rimmer said brightly.
"I'll be relieved after she doesn't kill us!" Kochanski replied.
"No worries there, Officer Bud Babe!" Cat assured her. "Much like everyone else we meet, she can't hit the broad side of a barn!"
They ran through the complex, listening to her cackle demonically somewhere in the distance. It didn't seem to matter which way they ran, though, as every few seconds, some pipes would burst, or some computer terminals would explode, and they had to change direction several times as they fled.
At last, the mayhem seemed to cease, and they came to a stop in a secluded part of the complex.
"What the hell is her problem?" Rimmer demanded between gasps of breath.
"Clearly some kind of psi-virus, sir. It appears to stimulate the dormant psychic areas of the brain which, up till now, human-kind has been unable to harness," Kryten explained.
"Is that why the pipes and computers kept blowing up?" Kochanski asked.
"Precisely, ma'am. Telekinesis and telepathy are hallmark signs of psychic ability. Unfortunately, it requires so much energy it drains the victim's life-force."
"So that's why she was in the stasis pod?"
"Lanstrom was preserving what little lifespan remains her, yes."
"Well, if she's almost out the door," Cat suggested, "all we have to do is keep her going 'til she kicks the bucket!"
"Theoretically, a sound notion, sir," Kryten said. "Unfortunately - "
"Unfortunately, she has already found you," Lanstrom announced.
They all whirled around and saw her translucent blue form, contrasted nicely by her crackling red eyes.
"Twinkle twinkle little eye, now it's time for you to die."
They all pressed themselves against the wall, but just as her eyes were about to fire, she let out a howl of pain and flailed her limbs as her image lit up like a frightened angelfish, then broke down into video feedback and shrank down until only her light bee remained, thudding on the floor.
Rimmer swallowed. "Well! I'll be hearing that scream in my nightmares."
"Poor woman," Kryten mourned. "Destroyed by her own genius."
"Genius?!" Cat exclaimed.
"Oh, yes. From what little I've seen of her research here, before the holo-virus she had a quite remarkable mind. If I'm right, the fruits of her work should live on." He indicated the silver briefcase he'd found earlier.
"Yes, well," Kochanski sighed. "Sorry your new science buddy didn't work out, but frankly, I'm ready to get out of here. Back to the 'Bug, everyone."
She stalked out, followed by the Cat. As Rimmer made to follow, Kryten leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Is Miss Kochanski upset with me?"
Rimmer rolled his eyes and said nothing.
Once they were back on board, Kryten suggested a quick once over to see if they were one hundred percent free of any dangerous toxins.
"You said the psi-scan would tell you if there was anything dangerous," Rimmer complained as he went through the scanning process.
"Indeed, sir," said Kryten amiably, "but it's best to remain cautious."
"He's right," sighed Kochanski, holding out her arms as Kryten scanned her. "We don't want to risk contaminating Red Dwarf with anything. Once it's onboard, it has nowhere to go, and then it spoils everything. Best to just - "
Her reasoned response came to a screeching halt as the psi-scan started beeping frantically. Everyone looked at her in alarm.
"Oh, come on!" she shouted.
"What's the deal with Officer BB?" Cat demanded.
"Oh dear," murmured Kryten. "In all the excitement, I didn't realize."
"Realize what, you metal git?" Rimmer growled.
"The holo-virus. It must be communicable. Lanstrom spread it to Miss Kochanski's light bee."
"Sensational," Kochanski groaned into her hands. "The woman whose life I was 'morally obligated' to save at the cost of my own goes and gives me a hologrammatic virus. Fan-smegging-tastic."
"Is she going to go all crazy like that Lanstrom chick?" Cat asked, already backing away from her.
"No cause for alarm, sir," Kryten assured him. "We just need to get to the Hologram Projection Suite and set about finding away to cleanse the virus. Holly, do you think you can do that?"
"Might take a while," Holly said worriedly. "Curing that kind of holo-virus? It'll take time."
"Right then," said Kochanski, taking charge. "Then let's head for Landing Bay Forty-Seven and drop me off. The rest of you will continue to the normal way."
Rimmer's face scrunched up. "The Quarantine Landing Bay?"
"Exactly. After what we just saw, we are locking me up. We are taking no chances."
"Agreed. I don't think any of us are up for a repeat of the hologrammatic equivalent of 'Foaming Dog Fever'."
"Taking her in," agreed Holly.
Kochanski sat morosely in a hologrammatic chair in the Quarantine quarters, reflecting that whoever designed this room should've been dishonorably discharged for choosing vomit green with off-white as the color scheme. She'd been supplied a few things to keep herself occupied, from her hologrammatic teddy bear to a few Jane Austen novels, but the constant fear of going insane prevented her from enjoying any of them.
After a full day of waiting, she heard a soft beep that told her she had visitors. She peered up at the darkened observation window as Rimmer, Cat and Kryten appeared within it. Kryten seemed to be setting up a small table with the silver briefcase he'd gotten from the research station.
"Hi, Officer BB!" Cat said, waving cheerily. "Gone cuckoo yet?"
She rolled her eyes, secretly relieved for some human interaction, even if it was these three. "Don't think so," she said, sauntering over to the window. "Then again, I probably wouldn't notice if I was."
"Holly's still at work on finding a cure," Rimmer explained, "so in the meantime, Kryten is setting up a fun little demonstration."
"Indeed, ma'am," Kryten said eagerly. "Lanstrom postulated that there are two kinds of virus. Positive and negative. The negative we already know about. But she also believed that there are positive viral strains which actually make human beings feel better."
"Such as?" asked Kochanski.
"Well, at a very basic level she predicted a kind of 'reverse flu' - a strain of virus which promotes an unaccountable feeling of well-being and happiness."
"And who among us can honestly we've never had that when we didn't deserve it?" said Rimmer.
"The chances are, sir, that on those occasions, we had unwittingly contracted Lanstrom's virus. According to her notes, twenty-first century retail managers suffered from it constantly."
"So what's in the tubes?" asked Cat.
"Lanstrom claims to have isolated several strains of positive virus: inspiration, charisma, sexual magnetism -"
"Sexual magnetism is a virus?! Somebody get me to a hospital! I'm a terminal case!"
Kryten picked up the next one. "This one is the most intriguing of all. According to her notes, this is the viral strain Felicitus Populi, commonly known as 'luck'."
"Luck is a virus?" asked Kochanski disbelievingly.
"You can tell we're all healthy, then," said Rimmer.
Kryten continued. "A positive virus which most humans contract at some point in their lives for very short periods. And here it is: Lady Luck in liquid form. Mr Rimmer, if you'd care to help me demonstrate…?"
Rimmer eyed him suspiciously. "What are you going to do?"
"I shall merely inject your bloodstream with the luck virus. Absolutely safe, and with such a minute dosage, it will wear off in less than a minute."
After thinking a moment, Rimmer nodded and offered his neck to the mech. Kryten pressed a hypo-gun to a vein and squeezed, sending a brief shot of minty green liquid into his body. Satisfied that it hadn't hurt, Rimmer accept a deck of cards.
"Right then, sir," said Kryten. "Shuffle the deck, and then pull an ace out each time."
Rimmer shrugged and shuffled the deck. Then, he pulled out the ace of spades.
"Thirteen to one!"
He shuffled again and pulled out the ace of hearts.
"Two hundred and twenty-one to one!"
He shuffled a third time and pulled out the ace of clubs.
"Fifty-five hundred and twenty-five to one!"
This time, he didn't even bother shuffling and simply pull out the top card, revealing it to be the ace of diamonds.
"Two hundred seventy thousand seven hundred and twenty-five to one!" Kryten exulted.
Kochanski looked impressed. "Great. So we can never play poker with Rimmer again."
Rimmer smirked. "It's hardly cheating. I'm just ill."
Kryten pulled out a dart board and handed it to the Cat. "Sir, if you'll just hold this up, please," he said before handing Rimmer a dart. "Sir, I want you to throw this dart over here into that bullseye behind you using your left hand, without looking."
"Whoa, slow the hell down!" Cat objected.
Rimmer, however, shrugged amiably. "Well, let's see now," he said, turning around and preparing.
Cat seemed conflicted. He didn't know whether to shield his face or his groin, so he kept moving the dartboard up and down just in case. Kochanski covered her eyes and waited for it to be over.
There was a soft thunk, and she heard Kryten's voice, now less enthusiastic.
"Ahh. I think that indicates the luck virus has worn off."
Kochanski dared to look, and she fought back a grin as she saw the dart dangling from the back of Kryten's head.
Rimmer smiled as he pulled it out. "Says you," he said cheerfully.
"Well, as uplifting as that was, mind if I ask how much longer before Holly finds a cure?"
"She's working on it as we speak, ma'am. The virus is very complex. We're doing our best to fix it, but it will take time."
Kochanski sighed and rubbed her eyes. "Fine. Just get back to it. I'll be… here."
Kryten seemed a little put out that the demonstration did so little to raise her spirits, but he nevertheless tidied up and exited with Rimmer and Cat.
Left alone, Kochanski slumped over to the bed and lied down. She glanced around the room, wishing she could actually interact with the various items strewn around her. She threw a glance at the television remote that came with the room, the glance turning into a full on stare as she admired the mostly-grey buttons, finding them remarkable compared to the few colored ones. She went over to look at it, staring at it up close, turning it over to see if the back might be any interesting. Smooth surface, slight valley in the middle, plastic cover for the batteries… She popped it open and admired the batteries, watching them spin in mid-air…
Mid-air…
Kochanski then realized that she left her bed. The remote hovered before her, the four batteries spinning around it like planets around a sun. She briefly thought this might be a bit strange, but she rather liked it. Finally, she could make an impact on the physical world.
She glanced at a cache of magazines near the desk and smiled as they began to slowly rise into the air. She giggled as they flapped their pages around like a flock of birds. A coffee mug full of pens began doing impressive acrobatic feats.
Kochanski beamed with pride. She got to her feet and proceeded to wave her arms about as if conducting an orchestra, closed her eyes and sang opera loudly as the various objects buzzed through the air, sending a few through her image, but she didn't care.
"For smeg's sake, it's been three days!" Rimmer complained to Holly. "You said you were almost done yesterday!"
"I know!" Holly replied defensively. "And I was! But I had to start over!"
"Why? Forget to carry the three? Misplace a decimal?"
"Of course not!" She paused, pouting slightly. "I just… lost the file somewhere."
Rimmer rubbed his eyes, exhausted.
"How the hell did you even lose it?" Cat asked.
"I don't know. Could've sworn I left the file in my main work folder before I went offline last night. Woke up this morning and whoops, no file."
Kryten tapped his chest plate curiously. "Hmmm… Did you run a full search of your CPU, Holly? Perhaps it's been reallocated to a trash folder or something."
"Tried that. Came up nil. And before you ask, no, I didn't forget what I named it."
"Most peculiar. How could a file just vanish like that?"
"Did you check behind the fridge? Anytime I lose something, it almost always ends up there," said the Cat.
Rimmer thought for a moment. "Has anyone checked on Kochanski lately?"
"Yes, sir. I checked the security cameras this morning. Sound asleep, last I saw her." Kryten thought about that. "In fact, nearly every time I check the feed, she's sound asleep."
"Not much else to do in there, probably," Cat shrugged.
Rimmer quietly hoped this to simply be a case of him being wrong again and asked Holly to punch up a visual on Kochanski's quarantine quarters. Indeed, when they saw the video feed, they found her snuggled up on the bed, sound asleep.
"Anyone else feeling a teensy bit creeped out watching her sleep?" Holly asked.
"Kryten," said Rimmer, "was she in that exact position last time you saw her?"
Kryten did a brief replay of the necessary memory. "Yes, sir, indeed she was." Then, his plastic features shifted ever-so-slightly towards worry. "Oh… And the time before that, as well…"
"What are you getting at, bud?" Cat asked.
"I'm getting at the idea that the holo-virus has moved a little faster than we thought," Rimmer replied worriedly. "It gives the recipient telepathy and telekinesis, right?"
"Correct, sir," Kryten agreed, "and that would explain a great deal."
Cat's face scrunched up in confusion. "It does?"
"Miss Kochanski's light bee is linked to the main Red Dwarf computer. It is in all likelihood that she's used that to delete the cure Holly was working on and to alter the security footage."
"Which means we'd better get down there and make sure she's still locked in Quarantine," Holly added.
"To see if who is still locked in Quarantine?"
They all turned to the Drive Room Entrance and came face to face with Kochanski, although she looked considerably different. Her hair done up in a ponytail, her usual attire replaced with a combination of a ballerina's tutu, roller skates and an old army helmet, and dark circles around her eyes, she slowly glided into the room with a blank look on her face.
"Pardon me, boys," she purred seductively. "Is this the Chernobyl Choo-Choo?"
Rimmer quietly began edging behind Kryten and nervously brought up the question on everyone's minds. "Feeling alright?"
"Never better," she replied, staying perfectly still as she rolled around them. "I've just been hangliding with the Prime Minister of Gumdrop Town, and I was just thinking about having dinner with the severed head of Marvin Mulgrave, Manager of Making Mmmm Sounds, but you know… I've been thinking lately…"
Cat smiled winningly through his fear. "Well, maybe don't do that. Thinking is dangerous. Especially for us."
Kochanski continued in her monotone voice. "I just thought that maybe… it was time I gave your lives… meaning…"
The trio continued inching towards the door, but then, Kochanski's eyes began to glow crimson red, and they settled for legging it out the door, the Cat just barely avoiding the resulting shower of sparks that rained down from the ceiling.
Rimmer held the wristwatch to his face. "Holly, what does she have control over?!"
"Pretty much everything, if she could escape Quarantine," the computer replied. "Not to mention hiding herself from me."
"We need to make it to the Science Room, sir!" said Kryten. "I've had an idea!"
"Is that right? Because the last idea got Kochanski infected with a holo-virus, so you're on thin ice, buster!"
"Trust me, sir! I just need to - oh!"
They all yelped as a pipe suddenly burst out of the wall, sending a burst of hot steam jetting at them. They all dodged to avoid it and kept running.
"How'd she do that?!" Cat shouted.
"Her telekinetic abilities, sir! They put a significant drain on the mind and body! Miss Kochanski can't have long to live!"
As they ran, more pipes began to burst, followed by screws and bolts shooting across the air like bullets. Fortunately, Rimmer and Cat nabbed a pair of collapsed metal plates and shielded themselves sufficiently as they ran.
At last, they made it around the last corner, and there stood the entrance to the Science Room. By now, the exploding debris ceased firing, giving them a clear shot at the door. They pelted inside and shut it behind them.
"Okay, we're here," gasped the Cat. "Man, look what that firing debris did to my suit! I look like the cover model for Swiss Cheese Monthly!"
"Never mind that now," Rimmer hissed. "Kryten. Plan. Now."
Kryten dug through the various items on the desk until he pulled the large silver satchel he'd acquired from the research base. "Found it, sirs! Quickly!"
"What is it?"
Kryten pulled out a familiar minty green vial and the hypo-gun. "The Luck Virus!"
Rimmer's eyes widened in realization. "Of course! Quick! Hit me up!"
"Is this really gonna work?" asked Cat.
"If I give Mr Rimmer a suitably large dosage, he will temporarily become the luckiest man who ever lived!"
"So what's to stop Officer Bud Babe from reading your mind and finding out your plan?"
Rimmer and Kryten froze, just as the mech finished filling the hypo-gun and Rimmer had his collar pulled down around his neck.
"... We'll just have to be quick, sir!" Kryten said at last. Then, he looked up. "Oh, look at that…"
Cat turned just in time to duck out of the way of a large ax that flew through the air and collided with Kryten's back. The mech dropped the hypo-gun on the floor with a clatter.
"Kryten, are you okay?" asked Rimmer.
"I have a medium-sized fire ax imbedded in my spinal column, sir," Kryten replied calmly. "That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day."
Rimmer managed to pull the ax out of Kryten's back, only for it to go flying out of his hands and back into its holding case across the room.
Kryten, meanwhile, proceeded to short circuit and spout a load of nonsense. "Hihi-hidi-hidi-whurdidjid," he said pleasantly. "Two and one-half badgers, please! Hi-yi-yi-yi-yi!"
As he continued to natter on, Rimmer and Cat heard a hissing sound and saw twin sets of flames slowly burning through the shut door. She stood there, smiling sweetly at them with her lifeless eyes.
"Now, now, boys," she said in a low voice, slowly skating into the room. "No need to be so scared. I'm just here to bring a little pain and suffering. All nice and fun, right?" Her eyes glowed red once again.
Rimmer and Cat dove in opposite directions, just barely avoiding her hex vision as it instead struck a nearby computer terminal, causing an eruption of sparks and smoke.
"No, I'll eat them here. Whap! An-dingling!" exclaimed Kryten helpfully.
Staying down and out of sight, Rimmer caught sight of the abandoned hypo-gun, still full of Luck Virus, and nabbed it before hurrying behind a workstation. As carefully as he could, he pulled down his collar and gave himself a quick painless blast to the neck, feeling a brief sensation of euphoria that he rarely felt.
Satisfied to be the luckiest man who ever lived for a moment, Rimmer pulled up his wristwatch. "Holly, please tell me you can come up with a quick plan to cure her!" he begged.
Holly shrugged. "Well, I suppose you could do is find some kind of remote link to the hologram disk projection system."
Rimmer spotted a metal box sitting not too far away with a long chord snaking into the wall. "What, like this one?" he asked.
Holly beamed. "What a stroke of luck! Now what we need is a hexagonal power transfer adapter capable of holding spikes of up to five million volts."
Rimmer spotted something on the nearby counter. Taking a chance, he crawled over and nabbed it, finding it to be the power transfer adapter they needed. "What else?" he demanded.
"Now all we need is a B47/7RF resistor."
Rimmer reached into a random drawer and pulled out the very resistor he needed. He found it remarkably easy to put it all together into what he needed.
Getting to his feet, he saw the Cat using the still-gibbering Kryten as a shield against Kochanski while simultaneously trying to restore him to normal. He did this by whacking him with a spanner.
"Come on, bud! Snap out of it!"
Whack! "Ah, thank you, sir! Perhaps now I can WIN SELF-DETERMINATION FOR THE SOUTH MOLDAVIAN PEOPLE!"
"Having fun?" Kochanski purred, coming in real close with a very coy smile. "I know a good game we can play. It'll blow you away."
Cat blinked. "Any other time, I would love to hear those words."
Rimmer cleared his throat, getting their attention. "Sorry. Game over." He slammed his hand down on the big red button he held.
Kochanski's face - eyes still glowing red - contorted into a look of great agony. Her skates slid out from under her, sending her crashing to the ground. She spasmed for a few seconds as her clothes slowly returned to normal, and after a few seconds, she laid perfectly still, knocked out.
By now, the still-sputtering Kryten grabbed the spanner out of Cat's hands and whacked himself in just the right spot. He immediately relaxed and smiled. "Ah, I think I'm okay now."
"Are you, indeed?" asked Rimmer, setting down his homemade device. "Looks like the Luck Virus wore off then."
Holly appeared on the nearby monitor. "I'll give her a quick reboot," she said. "Flush any residual virus off her."
"Thank you, Holly," Rimmer approved, standing back as Kochanski's image deactivated. He picked up her light bee, quietly amazed at how pristine it looked despite everything it went through. "Kryten?"
"Yes, sir?"
"From now on, I propose a new Space Corps Directive that clearly states that any new crew members we pick up undergo extreme vetting from now on."
"I second that motion," agreed the Cat.
"Definitely a third from me," added Holly.
Kryten had the good sense to look sheepish. "Yes, sir. Apologies, sir. I really was trying to think of what's best for the crew."
"Glad to know the automated toilet attendant is looking out for us," Rimmer sneered. "But from now on, we're the Space Corps. We make the rules. Agreed?"
"Agreed, sir."
At that moment, Kochanski's light bee slowly floated out of Rimmer's hand, and she burgeoned back into existence before them. She rubbed her eyes and took in her surroundings.
"What happened to me? Where am I?"
"Science Room, ma'am," Kryten explained. "I'm happy to report that the holovirus has been cured, and you are no longer, as they say, 'beans on toast twitters and shakes mad'."
"Holovirus? What are you talking about?"
"The virus that Dr Lanstrom had," Holly said.
"Lanstrom…? Wait, she transferred to virus to me?"
"You don't remember?" frowned Rimmer.
"Must've been a side effect of the virus," said Holly. "Clearly took effect not long after she contracted it, so she's lost a few days' worth of memory."
"Probably for the best," said the Cat. "If I could forget what she was wearing at the time, I'd be grateful."
Kochanski looked confused. "Do I want to know?"
"Nope, and neither do we," said Rimmer. "Come on. We could all do with a rest."
They all strode out of the Science Room, happy to leave that little misadventure behind them.
Author's Note: Next week: "Demons and Angels"!