Kochanski made her way into the galley and found Kryten alternating between working on the triplicator and cooking something on the grill.

"Ten o'clock changeover," she announced. "Anything to report?"

"We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf, ma'am," Kryten replied. "Almost twenty-four hours behind now. Other than that, it's been a relatively quiet shift. We briefly thought we were experiencing engine trouble, but it turned out that Mr Rimmer left his stereo playing his Hammond Heaven CD too close to the air vent."

Kochanski bit back a smirk. "How are we fuel-wise?"

"Unchanged for today, ma'am. However, the supply situation is increasingly bleak. We've recycled the water so often, it's beginning to taste like Dutch lager."

"And the food situation?"

"No meat, no pulse and hardly any grain. Worse still, the only licorice allsorts left are those little black twisty ones that everybody hates. If that weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply."

"So what's under the grill?"

"Space weevil."

Kryten pulled out a small tray from the grill and revealed the finely cooked remains of the tiny little critter, admittedly smelling nice from all the herbs and spices he had used.

Kochanski stared at it. "You're kidding me."

"It's incredibly nutritious, ma'am! After all, it is corn-fed!"

"There's no way he'll eat it. Rimmer's a fussier eater than a Scottish two-year-old in a salad bar."

"Just need to make it more appealing, ma'am. The right fresh vegetables, and he'll tuck right in."

Kochanski shook her head, her eyes falling on the mess of wires on the counter. "And what about the triplicator? You said you were almost done with it."

"Regrettably, it seems I still need some components. The constant need for recalibration means we're still only able to triplicate things a few at a time. Recreating our supplies would take months."

Kochanski looked at the mess of a device sadly. "Well… add some oregano to the space weevil. He'll like that."

"Changeover!" Cat announced, striding into the cockpit. "Anything new?"

"Aside from the mechanoid who criticized my taste in music, nothing major," Rimmer replied, relinquishing the pilot's controls. "An electrical storm, but that's it."

Cat looked alarmed as he squeezed past. "What do you mean, 'that's it'? An electrical storm means static cling, and that means all my suits are gonna be zappy! You know what that does to my hair!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes and ditched the cockpit for the midsection, stepping over to the scanner table with great relief. "Another day at the office," he sighed, sitting down with a car magazine.

Kryten and Kochanski entered from the galley.

"Supper, sir," he said pleasantly, setting the tray down in front of him.

Rimmer lifted the lid and found himself staring into the non-seeing beady little eyes of a space weevil. "Really?" he asked. "Space weevil? It's come to this?"

"I did my best, sir," Kryten squirmed, "but I can't work miracles."

"You really expect me to sit down and willingly eat insectoid vermin?"

"It's the best we can do until we find someplace with supplies," said Kochanski. "Now come on, give it a go. Enjoy being able to enjoy the thrills of eating, unlike some of us."

Rimmer glared at her. "I hate it when you rub your deadness in my face," he grumbled as he got out his knife and fork. "Lucky for you two I'm starving."

He cut into the small creature and, covering his eyes with one hand, put a small piece in his mouth. He grimaced as he chewed, letting his eye-covering hand slowly slide down his face until it thudded on the table.

"... What's it like?" Kochanski asked expectantly.

"Like if you cross-bred king prawn with a bubonic-plague-ridden rat." He swallowed. "With oregano," he added.

At that moment, Cat appeared in the hatchway, mercifully cutting mealtime short. "I hate to go all technical on you, but all hands on deck! Swirly thing alert!"

They all got up and ran for the cockpit, taking their stations.

Rimmer joined Cat at the helm. "Where is it?"

"It's not on the radar yet, but I can smell it!"

"Nothing here," said Kochanski.

"Nothing on long-range," added Kryten. "Sir, is it possible you may have made a mis-smelling?"

"Listen, butter pad head, my nostril hairs are shimmying faster than a Spaniard's honeymoon bed! I'm telling ya, there's something out there!"

"Don't get your double-helix in a strict! No one's questioning your nasal integrity!"

Rimmer sat back in his seat. "So, shall we just sit here and wait for it to show up? Should've brought a deck of cards."

"It's coming, grease stain!" Cat snapped. "It's not my fault you monkeys can't smell for shit!"

After a solid thirty-two seconds, Kryten finally got something on the scanners. They punched up the view screen, and they saw a yellow-orange glowing blur race across the screen. Realizing it to be some kind of projectile, they set about trying to dodge it, but it stayed with them no matter where they went. Before long, it finally caught up with them, but it simply encapsulated the ship in a glowing sphere of wavering lines.

"Some kind of suction beam," said Kryten. "We're being dragged down."

Starbug proved unresponsive to the power of the beam, so they had no choice but to ride it out until they landed rather bumpily in the landing bay of some space station. Taking a moment to wonder how they didn't manage to spot something so massive, they found the beam's previous purpose was to help docking supply ships. With no one around, Kryten managed to get very little from the ident computer.

"But listen to some of the physicists involved - Heideger, Davro, Holder, Quayle - some of the most brilliant minds of the twenty-third century. Whatever they were cooking up here it must have been something pretty special," he explained.

With little else to do, they decided to do a little scavenging.

Once onboard the space station, they found its interior to resemble that of an abandoned shopping centre - white walls, see-thru lifts, fluorescent lighting and automatic doors.

Cat sniffed the air suddenly.

"What is it?" Kochanski asked.

"Not sure," he replied. "Something… It's almost off my nasal spectrum."

They continued down a flight of stairs as the beeping from the psi-scan became more rapid, until it merged into a single note.

Kryten held it up and looked at the readouts. "Strange! A life reading!"

"Why didn't it register before?" Rimmer asked suspiciously.

Suddenly, a lift door slid silently open, and out stepped a person in a long green bodysuit that came with a silver mask, a silver tube extending down into his midsection with a few other tubes.

"Welcome, my friends," said the stranger in a deep warm voice. "It has been many centuries since I last had visitors."

The others backed away nervously as he began to approach. He stopped before Rimmer and held out a hand.

"You, of course, are Rimmer."

Uncertain, Rimmer shook the stranger's hand.

The stranger looked to Kochanski. "And you are Kochanski, the hologram," he continued. "May I?"

Without waiting for an answer, he reached into her middle and pulled out her light bee. She barely had time to react before her image faded away.

As he proceeded to open the small projection device and work on it, Rimmer felt he ought to speak up now. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" he demanded.

"Pardon me, Mr. Rimmer," the stranger said. "It seems your friend is working on very primitive circuitry. If you'll just allow me…" He pulled a seemingly endless array of wires from the device, muttering on how basic it all was, until he finally produced a small device the size of a thimble, dropping it inside the now-empty 'bee, and then tossed it back in the air.

When Kochanski reappeared, her red tank top and trousers now transmitted as blue. In fact, now she seemed to be casting a shadow on the floor. Looking very affronted, she straightened her clothes and glared at the stranger indignantly. "And just what the hell was that for?!"

"Forgive me," he replied. "I merely upgraded your projection unit from 'soft light' to 'hard light'."

"Hard light?!"

Then, it began to dawn on her. She looked down at her body, saw the new clothes and then looked at the others. Rimmer experimentally reached out a single finger and touched her shoulder. Physically touched it. She looked at him for a long moment before looking back at the stranger.

"I… I have a body?" she asked, clearly not able to believe it. "I can touch?"

The stranger nodded.

Kochanski let out a sudden whoop of joy as she immediately collided with Rimmer in a giant bear hug and jumped up and down while hanging onto him, taking him off guard enough that he stumbled backwards into Cat and Kryten.

"If I may just remind ma'am that food supplies are still low," the mech pointed out as he tried to get some feeling back into his trampled foot.

"But how?" Kochanski asked, still hanging onto Rimmer.

"I created the hard light drive many years ago," the stranger replied. "My mind is not all that it once was." He looked over at Kryten. "And you are Kryten."

"Why, yes, sir," said the mech with uncertainty. "But how did you know?"

"I believe you are in need of this," the stranger replied, holding out a small computer chip.

Kryten took it, examined it and immediately did a double take. "Oh my lord! It's a surge-protected transfer relay chip!"

"A what now?" Cat asked.

"It's what I need to complete repairs on the triplicator! If I can pull this off, our supply problems are over! Thank you, sir!"

The stranger nodded before addressing the Cat. "And you are the Cat."

Cat held up his hands. "I'm not really into receiving tech from strangers, buddy. If it ain't fish or clothes, I ain't interested."

The stranger chuckled. "You are tired and in need of nourishment," he said. "Come. Let us dine."

"What is your name?" asked Rimmer.

"Call me Legion."

Legion led them into a dining room full of exquisite art objects, from paintings to sculptures. Soft harpsichord music played in the background. Kochanski in particular looked at them, an admirer of fine art herself.

"You painted all of these yourself?" she asked.

"Years ago," said Legion modestly. "I was… a different man then."

He departed to get the food, assuring Kochanski that she would be able to eat and drink much like a human, with the added bonus of being indestructible. He departed, leaving them to chatter eagerly about him.

"His cellular structure is unique," remarked Kryten. "Genetic strands I've never seen before. Part living tissue, part mechanical."

"So what is he?" asked Cat.

"He's a genius," shrugged Rimmer, sitting down at the table with him.

Kochanski didn't seem to be listening as she ran around the room, running her hands across things eagerly.

"What are you doing?" Rimmer asked.

"Hey, I've spent the last few odd years with no sensations whatsoever," she snapped. "I'm enjoying having all of my senses back, thank you!"

"It's just that you're fondling that pipe rather suggestively."

"Don't judge me!"

Kryten admired the circuit he'd been given. "Amazing," he murmured. "The answer to all our supply problems, right here in my hand."

"Yes, he's certainly impressive," said Rimmer, "and that's what troubles me."

"How so, sir?"

"He immediately knew who we all are, knew that Kris needed a hard light drive, that we even had a triplicator that needed fixing… Something's up."

"But is it a good something or a bad something?" asked the Cat.

"That's what we need to figure out."

Kochanski grabbed him by the shoulders and leaned in close. "But let's not do it rudely," she said firmly. "We offend him, and we risk leaving with nothing."

Rimmer rolled his eyes and shrugged her off. "I'll endeavor not to upset him."

Cat rolled his eyes. "Good luck with that."

The door soon opened, and Legion entered with a wheeled tray of food. "Here is the feast. It is a traditional twenty-fourth century Mamosian banquet."

"Scrumptious," Rimmer said, eyeing the food suspiciously.

They all sat around the table as Kryten served the food.

"Kryten, please join us," said Legion as he too took his seat. "Mamosian cuisine is quite acceptable for mechanoids."

"Indeed," said the mech as he sat at the other end of the table. "It has long been a dream of mine to sample its unique flavors."

Legion disconnected the breathing tube thing from the moth-hole on his mask. The others, meanwhile, investigated the odd-looking cutlery. No knives or forks: instead, each person held two strange devices, which looked rather like an egg-whisk that'd been mated with a model of an ethanol molecule.

Seeing their confusion, Legion spoke up. "I'm sorry. Of course. Not all of you are familiar with Mamosian Antimatter Chopsticks."

"I'm fully versed, Legion," said Kryten. "For my cooking duties, I'm programmed to be proficient in all known off-world eating techniques, including Jovian Boogle Hoops, and the often-lethal Mercurian Boomerang Spoon."

"But the others?"

Rimmer gripped his strange-looking chopsticks with nervous confidence. "Oh, I'm sure we'll soon get the hang of it," he said bravely. "Just need a quick crash course."

It ended up being quite the lesson.

Despite Legion and Kryten doing their best, Rimmer, Cat and Kochanski had some difficulty getting the food into their mouths. The chopsticks worked by creating a sort of anti-gravitational field that lifted the food up and sent it sailing neatly into their mouths. Legion, naturally, performed this with ease. Kryten managed it, but he had to chase after the food quite a bit. The others, meanwhile, ended up sending food in every direction. Most of it wound up on Rimmer. Kochanski desperately tried to eat some of it, but it just flew away from her whenever she tried. Cat couldn't get the food to lower close enough to his mouth, some of it winding up on the ceiling. Kryten's attempts to teach them how to drink Mamosian Telekinetic Wine ended with all three soaking wet.

Thirty minutes later, as they helped tidy up the mess, Kochanski decided to attempt putting out any potential bridge fires. "Legion, we're very sorry," she said. "We really do appreciate everything you've given us. We just… don't really know what we're doing."

"Not at all, Kristine," Legion replied kindly. "There will be plenty of time for you to learn how much of the complex works."

Rimmer cleared his throat. "Well, maybe a bit. But we can't stay very long."

"Indeed," said Kryten. "We have a long journey ahead of us."

"Nonsense! You have no journey at all, my friends. I insist you stay here with me. You will be my honored guests - from now until the day you die."

Rimmer wiped some food off his face despondently. "A bad something, then," he sighed.

Legion led Kochanski into a bedroom. It had posters of great musicians, a full bookcase, and a stereo playing her favorite opera. She found a dispensing machine in the corner with a queen-sized bed next to it.

"This will be your cell, Kristine," he said.

"How did you get all this set up? We only got here today!" she exclaimed.

"I have in my possession a matter generator that can create anything you might need. If you require anything else, you need only ask."

Kochanski folded her arms and strolled around the room. She looked at the dispensing machine and felt her jaw unhinge slightly. "You've got a cottage cheese dispenser in here?"

"Two nozzles - with or without pineapple chunks," he replied. "I think you will find nothing here that isn't to your liking. The entire room is stocked for your own unique personal tastes and requirements."

Opening the fridge, she immediately lit up at the sight of the contents. "How did you fit this much tiramisu in here?! I swear, this fridge goes on for miles!"

"All your favorite music, all your favorite books. You will want for nothing."

"I'm going to get bored sitting in here all the time," she said, sitting on the bed.

"There is a cyberpark in the complex. You may go to any time period of your choosing, and indulge any fantasy you wish, with any person you desire."

Kochanski felt her mouth go a bit dry. "Yes, well… you've certainly accounted for everything."

"You will meet your companions in the morning." He began to sag slightly. "Now, you must excuse me," he said with a stifled yawn. "They are falling asleep… I must go." He abruptly turned and left, the door shutting behind him.

Kochanski sat on the bed, her mind racing. She knew they couldn't stay here. They had to escape and get back to the search for Red Dwarf.

Her eyes fell on the cottage cheese dispenser. She could feel the hunger for the first time in years. To eat real food, even as a hologram. The Mamosian banquet barely had anything of substance - especially since most of it ended up on Rimmer's jacket. She licked her lips unconsciously and made her way over. She almost took a cup and spoon, but then she tossed them aside and just put her whole head under the nozzle and pulled the handle.

One night of paradise couldn't hurt.

Rimmer strode into the banquet hall just in time to hear Cat telling Kryten about his room.

"I couldn't have designed a better room myself!" he said. "Gold taps with hot and cold running hair mousse, velcro sheets that wax your legs while you sleep… Incredible!"

Kryten noticed him coming. "Good morning, sir!"

But Rimmer got right to the point. "What does he want from us? Why is he so obsessed with fulfilling our every desire?"

"We're all equally baffled, sir. Was your room like everyone else's? Perfect in every way?"

"Impeccable! Right down to the over-starched pajamas and nocturnal boxing gloves! What about you?"

"Filthy walls, mud-streaked floors, mop and bucket… I was in Hog's Heaven, sir!"

"Who is this dude?" Cat asked, putting down his fork. "Some kind of human-zoo-type weird person collector?"

"My thoughts exactly," agreed Rimmer. "We must face the possibility that we may soon be marched out of here and forced to mate with a bunch of strange-colored voluptuous alien women."

Cat began to grin. "You think that's possible?"

"It is if prayers are ever answered."

At that moment, the door slid open, and they looked up to find a very full Kochanski, still in the same clothes as yesterday, covered in food stains and a dazed look on her face.

"Where've you been?" Rimmer demanded.

Kochanski put her nose in the air. "None of your business."

Cat sniffed her as she came nearer. "Smells like… cottage cheese?"

"He gave me a dispenser! Would've been rude to turn it away!"

"And how much did you not turn away?"

"Oh, not much. Just a… gallon or three? Ooh, look - breakfast!" She sat down at the table and determinedly focused on her bacon and eggs.

"You're playing right into his game!" Rimmer objected.

"Smeg off!" Kochanski said through her full mouth. "I don't care if it's his game! This place is perfect! Everything we ever wanted and then some! That cyberpark in the complex! Did you even use it?"

"Of course I didn't use it!"

"Well, it was in-smegging-credible! I hung out with Mozart, played poker with Shakespeare and had the best sex ever with every pin-up magazine model I ever saved under my pillow!"

"Ma'am, we can not be seduced by all this fine living," objected Kryten. "However munificent our captor, we are still prisoners. And with every second that passes, we lose yet more ground on Red Dwarf."

"Forget Red Dwarf! We can finally kick back and relax here! No more running away from danger! No more insane misadventures that periodically end in our deaths! We have everything we could ever need or want!"

Rimmer scowled. "Well, you've drunk the Kool-Aid. We can't stay here forever. We have responsibilities. Getting back to Red Dwarf, finding Holly, finishing the trip back to Earth… You know, the mission?"

Kochanski's expression twisted briefly at the conflict warring inside her, but she told herself it was indigestion and shook it off. "What mission? What have we been deluding ourselves with? That man has been working to help us. So what if he's insane? I can live with that!"

"Yeah, for now, but what happens later?" asked the Cat. "He's gotta have a long-term plan, Officer BB."

"He's right, ma'am," said Kryten, getting to his feet to approach her. "We must look at all possibilities. It could be that our well-being is in some way linked to his own."

"You mean like he's feeding off our emotions?" asked Rimmer.

"Remember when we arrived, the scans recorded no life signs. Is it possible that our very presence here has in some way inadvertently awoken him?"

"Maybe he's feeding off our life force or something… But to what end?"

"And once he's got that life force, will we be alive when it's over?" added Cat.

They thought about that for a moment.

Then, they heard the tinkle of silverware on dinnerware as they saw Kochanski sneaking food off Cat's plate.

"Kris!" Rimmer complained.

"What? Nothing! Just… go ahead and finish your thinking session!"

"Ma'am, please," said Kryten, trying to take the plate away. "We need to work on our escape plan."

"Says you, nickel-hydride breath!" she retorted, taking the plate away with a sudden yank.

Unseen by either of them, the door to the dining room slid open, and in walked Legion. Even with his blank mask covering his face, he seemed bemused as the mechanoid and the hologram fought over the plate of scrambled eggs and caviar nibblers. He cautiously approached, possibly hoping to quell the situation.

"My friends, please," he said calmly. "Such squabbles do not belong at the breakfast table."

Kryten abruptly lost his grip on the plate, and the momentum sent Kochanski whirling around, and the plate then flew out of her hands, colliding with Legion's face. The impact knocked his mask clean off, letting it dangle from his breathing tube.

They stared at his face in horror. He had Rimmer's nose and left eye, Kryten's angular cheeks, Cat's mouth and fangs, and Kochanski 'H' and right eye.

"Now look what you made me do!" Legion snapped like an annoyed parent.

Soon, they had the truth. Legion was not a person, but a gestalt entity - their combined minds and personalities welded together into a weird mishmash. He could only exist as long as other people lived within the complex, hence why he refused to let them leave. Without them, he was quite literally nothing. All the paintings and sculptures and technology had been the result of his first incarnation - his creators had all been some of mankind's most brilliant minds - but they'd all died, leaving him just a swirling essence.

Fortunately, Kryten had a theory that helped them out. He rendered Rimmer and Cat unconscious, thereby diminishing Legion's power. Knocking out Kochanski took some doing, seeing as how her hard light drive's indestructibility made it impossible to do it the usual way, so he sadly reached under her tank top and found the switch.

When she came back online a few hours later, she found herself back on Starbug surrounded by the others. Rimmer and Cat held ice packs to their heads and looked a bit sullen, sitting in a corner.

"Welcome back online, ma'am," Kryten said, smiling beatifically. "How do you feel?"

Kochanski managed to sit up. "Groggy, ashamed and extremely embarrassed."

"Back to normal then?" Rimmer grunted.

She sneered at him and swung her legs over the scanner table. As she jumped down, she noted when she landed the sound of her footsteps, and she saw her tank top to still be blue. "I'm still hard-light?" she asked hopefully.

Kryten nodded. "Legion said to keep the hard-light drive with his apologies."

"And the chip for the triplicator?"

He held it up. "Just need to plug it in, and we can start triplicating the food supplies he gave us."

She felt a small smile on her lips. "So… I should probably apologize myself for giving in," she said with a bitter laugh. "No offense or anything, but I never saw myself as the type to so easily give into temptation."

"Tell me about it," agreed Cat, lowering his ice pack. "I thought for sure it'd be me."

"The combination of your returned senses plus the joy of having everything you ever wanted no doubt overrode your good judgement," Kryten said. "A nice reboot from switching yourself off no doubt helped."

"Not to mention seeing his actual face was, in fact, our faces," added Rimmer.

Kochanski wrung her hands awkwardly. "I don't suppose you all could find it in your hearts to forgive me?"

Rimmer and Cat looked at each other with doubtful expressions for a moment. Then, Rimmer reached under his chair, pulled something out and threw it at her. She reacted just in time to catch it, and when she turned it over, she found it to be her beloved teddy bear, Boo Boo. She stared at him for a long moment before pulling him into a big hug.

"You are just the sweetest man alive," she said to Rimmer.

"Oh, don't be disgusting," he replied, grimacing. "My headache is bad enough."

Kryten clapped his hands, satisfied. "Well, if that's all settled, let's all head down to the engine room! Legion gave us a star drive that should enable us to catch up to Red Dwarf in a matter of nanoseconds!"

They followed him down the stairwell, but Kochanski placed Boo Boo on the scanner table for his own safety. She would be taking no chances.

Author's Notes: Next week: Gunmen of the Apocalypse!