It took a few months, but at last, the crew had gotten used to their new Starbug. On the outside, the ship had remained the same size, but the interior had gained a dimensional stabilizer that made the ship bigger on the inside. According to the readouts, the ventilation ducts - were they stretched out in a straight line - would've been almost two miles long.

What's more, the Ops Room had once served as a sleeping quarters, deep sleep chamber, medical room and the home of the AR Suite. Now, all four of those things had separate rooms. Each of them now had their own cabins, the deep sleep chamber now sat upright instead of being beds, the medical room had its own sparkly white quarters with much more up-to-date equipment, and the AR Suite now consisted of four chairs with masks that would lower down with a central column in between.

In short, they'd moved up in the world without any of the work. His parents would've been proud.

Still, they had their mission before them. They still had to find Red Dwarf. Unfortunately, the vapor trail had completely dried up, and they'd somehow lost all trace of it. Amazing how they'd been gaining on them one day, and then the next, zip! Nothing! Gone forever! Of course, Kochanski refused to give up. They'd find it again. A ship that size didn't just disappear into the ether.

And in the meantime, they had plenty of other things to keep them busy.

One morning, for example, they'd been having a normal day when they started experiencing weird power surges that set off the red, blue and green alert signs. It might've set off purple alert as well, but Cat had removed it for clashing with more than half his suits.

Cat and Rimmer ran around the cockpit with fire extinguishers, trying to put out the random fires going up around them. Kryten and Kochanski stumbled in behind them, waving the smoke away as they made for their consoles.

"Morning!" Rimmer said brightly.

"What the smeeee is going on?!" asked Kryten.

"A power surge knocking out all the generators!"

"Cause?" demanded Kochanski.

"An object of such awesome power and charisma, it's flat-lined all the grids!" explained Cat over the noise. "At first, I thought it was me! Turns out it's some kind of craft dimension-jumping!"

Kryten started logging onto the main scanning computers. "Any ident details?"

"Well, let's think of all the people we know who can dimension jump and decide which one of them it is," Rimmer said, flicking a few switches to extract the smoke in the cockpit.

Upon seeing the craft on the radar screen screaming towards them, Cat pressed the comms button. "This is the JMC transport ship Starbug opening channels! Please identify yourself!"

The screen on the desk crackled into life, and a familiar face framed with blonde locks grinned up at them. "Well - I said I'd be back for breakfast! How are those kippers doing, fellas?"

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Where's my bookie when I need him?" he muttered, but he smirked at the sight of his other self.

"Ace, buddy!" Cat cheered. "How ya doing?"

"All the better for seeing you, Cat, old friend," Ace replied. "Is that a new suit you're wearing? Is that a new suit you're wearing? Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye."

Cat looked thrilled. "Wow! That's sharp! Thanks, buddy!"

"Thanks, Ace," sighed Kochanski. "He'll be insufferable all day now."

"Eh, he usually is anyway," Rimmer shrugged. "So, other me, what brings you to this neck of reality?"

"Spot of engine trouble, I'm afraid," Ace replied. "Need a quiet dimension to set down and make repairs."

"Well, you're in luck, because our shuttlecraft has miraculously sprouted a landing bay recently. If you need a place to tune up, just glide right in."

"Capital suggestion, Arnie! I'll be there in less than thirty minutes, or I'm free."

They cut the link, and Kryten set to work opening the landing bay doors. "Our first visitor in the landing bay!" he fussed. "Golly - I hope it's sufficiently buffed!"

"I'm sure he is," said Kochanski. Then, off their confused expression, she blushed and corrected herself. "It is! I'm sure it is!"

Thirty minutes later, Ace's one-man ship sat snugly in the landing bay, having arrived safely. The pilot in question disembarked and strode his way up the gangway to the corridor where he found Rimmer, Kochanski, Cat and Kryten all waiting for him.

"Welcome back, weary traveller," said Rimmer, holding out a hand in greeting.

Ace's eyebrows rose at the hand, but he grabbed it and gave it a hearty shake. "Good to be back, Arnie," he replied. "Sorry to DJ so close. The ship's computer made a minor calculation error. Poor thing's got a bit of a crush on me; it doesn't know what day it is."

"Don't think we've ever had that problem around here," chuckled Kochanski while Rimmer recovered from the handshake.

"So, what have you been up to, sir?" asked Kryten, eager for a story.

Ace shrugged as they made their way down the corridor to the ship's galley. "Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals, and had my highlights done."

Cat practically squealed. "What a guy!"

They stepped into the mid-section and sat around the scanner table while Kryten got some refreshments ready.

"So what's new with you chaps?" Ace asked. "Arnie?"

Rimmer shrugged. "Not much. Just the usual. Defying mortal danger in hostile environments, risking my neck to save these jokers from a simulant, killed by my own future self - oh, and I've been experimenting with charcoal in my paintings. It's really making the colors pop."

Ace simply smiled and nodded, causing Rimmer to frown briefly. Hadn't Ace shown more of an interest in his work during his last visit?

Cat, however, just beamed eagerly. "I'll take you to the guest quarters, bud! We can catch up! For starters - you can tell me the name of your stylist!"

"Thanks Cat, but with your driving skills, you should be at the helm," Ace replied coolly. "Incidentally," he added, handing the preening feline a business card. "It's AstroCuts, in the Theta Sector. Dimension Twenty-Four. Ask for Alphonse." He high-fived him, and then headed for the stairs. "Right - if you don't mind, I could do a kip before I start work on the DJ Drive. See you in about twenty winks." He grinned one last time before setting off up the stairs.

As Kryten brought a tray of refreshments down, he seemed puzzled. "Curious."

"What is?" asked Kochanski as she took her tiki mug with the little umbrella in it.

"Mr Ace. I didn't like to say anything in front of him, but he seemed… different than usual. His voice, for example."

"What about it?"

"It sounded about twenty-three percent more weaselly."

She shrugged as she took a sip. "Let him rest for now. One of us can have a quiet word with him later."

"Perhaps I ought to," said Rimmer, taking his own mug of fruit punch. "Man to man. Rimmer to Rimmer."

Kochanski gave him a wry smile. "Just make sure we don't have a repeat of Lemming Sunday, okay?"

Rimmer stuck his tongue out in response.

Ace found the guest sleeping quarters with no trouble. After all, he knew the layout of the upgraded Starbug quite well - seeing as how he'd lived here himself many months ago.

Once inside, he pressed the button on the door, and it slid shut, sealing the hatch. Satisfied, he pulled out the collar on his jacket and spoke into a small speaker. "Computer?" he asked in a completely different voice.

The mirror on the wall flickered before turning completely black, save for a red line that pulsated whenever a sexy voice spoke. "Feeling alright, Ace?"

"Yes. No. I don't know," he sighed, rubbing his temples. "Still not used to seeing my own face like that." He grimaced as he pulled off the wig and slumped in the bunk. "Not to mention me wearing a blazer."

The computer chuckled. "You're not going to sulk, are you?"

"Ace" snorted. "When have you ever known me to sulk? I'm a rough-and-tumble lock-up-your-daughters hardened space astro. I do not sulk."

"Ah, I see. You 'pout', then."

Rolling his eyes, Rimmer put his feet up. The part about needing some rest hadn't been play-acting. He really did need some rest. He'd been in this gig for a few months now, and he'd had his share of horror and mayhem. Rogue droids stealing bio-weapons, GELFs rounding up human slaves - hell, he'd even managed to save a ship from falling into a black hole! But any time he met himself, it still felt utterly bizarre. Most of the time, his other selves seemed miles away from him. Almost different people entirely, save for the face, but now he found himself in a world pretty damn similar to his own.

Sure, he saw the similarities. Starbug, Cat, Kryten, for starters, but now, he saw Kristine Kochanski as a hologram, and himself alive. Sure, he'd met living versions of himself in his travels, but to find one in such a similar situation to his old life and yet so utterly different. After only interacting with him for roughly a minute, he could tell his other self had a confidence he'd never managed to find. He'd long ago suspected that Lister held him back - had he been right?

The computer sighed electronically. "Ace, you're not doing yourself any favors playing the comparison game. We've been over this."

"I know, I know, but I can't help it. It's so much like my home dimension, and yet, not." He looked up at the screen. "Have you found the details yet?"

"Yes, actually. Not much to report, aside from some temporal fluctuations messing with their - shall we say - backstory."

"What do you mean?"

"They had their business with the Time Drive, but it seems the device was more involved in their situation than yours. There's a record saying your other self got in trouble with Captain Hollister due to some hallucinogenic mushrooms and got bung up in stasis for it, but that was partly caused by a future self using the Time Drive to come back in time for a wedding."

Rimmer frowned, casting his mind back. He certainly remembered the incident she referred to, but he seemed to recall that after he dumped a bucket of green paint on Hollister, he was instead sent away from psychiatric treatment, after which the charges against him were dropped, and the 'hallucinations' he'd experienced had actually been himself coming back through time via a stasis leak. He couldn't remember much else as he'd been heavily sedated at the time, but he hadn't wound up in suspended animation over it.

That being said, he did remember Lister telling him how he and the Cat had met a future version of Lister married to Kochanski - as seen in a photograph - and how they'd find a way back in time within five years. However, he couldn't recall how long it had been since then before he'd donned the wig and left, but he dimly recalled the version of himself attending the wedding had a mustache - not unlike his corrupt future self that had led the charge to kill them.

Mulling that over, he readdressed the computer. "So if the Time Drive is part of the reason I wound up in stasis in this world, why are they still here?"

"Who can say?" the computer replied in a tone usually accompanied by a shrug. "Perhaps a slightly different incident saw you put in stasis, or maybe your future selves didn't play as big a role as they thought. In any case, you survived the accident, and Holly brought Kochanski back as a hologram. The cat species still came into existence, and you rescued Kryten, and whim-bam-boom, here we are. Or, rather, here they are. You get the point."

Rimmer nodded silently. "He's so at ease around me, though. I never got on with Ace when I first met him." He scrunched up his face. "And what's all this about painting?! Where's that unconquerable drive to become an officer?!"

"Perhaps he conquered it."

Getting up to pace a little, Rimmer walked up and down in an attempt to gather his thoughts. The very idea that he could've been a different person had grown more interesting during his travels. Indeed, it fascinated him, finding that one decision that sent his life in different directions, but this one felt so much like home and yet…

Remembering the computer's advice not to overthink things, he slumped back into the bunk, taking off his flight jacket and kicking off the boots. "Right," he said. "Shan't get any answers tonight. Gonna get some sleep, and then we'll sort you out tomorrow morning."

"Ooooh, can't wait," the computer said saucily.

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Good night, Computer." He pressed a button inside his bunk, and the lights dimmed, allowing him to get some sleep.

Rimmer waited until 'night' had overtaken the ship before he left his quarters and tiptoed down the steps into the galley. He looked around and saw Kryten in the cockpit hooked up to the wall, clearly recharging. He wouldn't be up and about for at least another five hours. Satisfied he had enough time to work alone, he slipped through the large hatch and descended the staircase to the landing bay.

The ship sat neatly on the pad, and he sidled up alongside it. He didn't think for a second he could possibly do any work on the engines, but he still wanted to check on it. Plus, it resembled a little red sports car, and that appealed to the auto geek in him.

He thudded down in the cockpit seat, noting how small it seemed. He didn't know how his other self got around flying this thing.

To his surprise, the console lit up, and he briefly worried he'd somehow activated the engines. He frantically looked around for a button to shut it back down, but his worries ceased at the sound of a woman's voice.

"Ace? Oh, it's you."

Rimmer cleared his throat. "Er, yes. Sorry," he said sheepishly. "Probably shouldn't be in here."

"On the contrary, I am always happy to see that face," the voice said warmly. "What brings you here?"

Embarrassed that a disembodied voice could make him blush, Rimmer shifted in the leather seat. "Just needed some answers. Is your Ace the same Ace that visited us years ago? I don't know if you'd be able to check, but he seems a tad 'off'."

The computer chuckled. "Yes, I understand. It's not the same Ace you met last time, Arnie."

Rimmer nodded in acceptance. "Yes, I suppose that makes sense. I mean, you have to consider all the possible Ace Rimmers from other dimensions. I mean, we've probably created an infinite amount of new universes from this conversation alone."

The computer continued. "This ship came here once before, but it's not the same Ace as last time."

Now Rimmer had to frown. "He's what?"

Rimmer awoke in the middle of the night. He remembered how during the first few months of the job, he'd had trouble sleeping in the Wildfire, feeling like it wasn't home. Now, ironically, he couldn't sleep in a place that technically was his home. It still felt too foreign to be home, though. It just felt off. Not hearing Lister snoring through the wall felt particularly odd.

The pipes still made plenty of noise, but it wasn't the same.

Deciding he wouldn't mind a stroll, he rolled out of his bunk and got his boots back on. He almost headed out the hatch, but then he doubled back for the wig. Every time, he thought to himself.

He tiptoed through the corridors, silently hoping no one would wake up. He didn't know much about this version of the crew, but he had already gleaned that the Cat hero worshipped Ace much like the one back in his dimension, and he didn't want to see him for fear of an autograph. He also didn't want to see Kochanski. He knew women always threw themselves at Ace - even he'd had some success in that regard - but he didn't want to find out whether Kochanski would take a gander at him.

Sidling down into the mid-section, he saw Kryten plugged in and recharging, and he eased himself over towards the galley, only to get the fright of his life at the sight of a figure a clear head shorter than him wielding a knife.

"Oh, sorry," said Kochanski sheepishly as she turned a light on. "You know how it is when it's late at night, you've gone for several years with no senses and then you can replicate whatever food you take without endangering the living crew. I mean, we've all been there, right?"

Rimmer blinked as he took in her appearance. Grey tank top, flannel pajama bottoms, and a knife to cut up some turkey for a sandwich, also surrounded by cheese, mayo and mustard. Taking a moment to pull himself together, he re-asserted his Ace voice. "I'll take your word for it," he said with a shaky smile. "Feeling a mite peckish myself, actually."

"Oh, well, sit tight. I'm almost done. Just need to cut the cheese," she said with a cheeky grin, before doing exactly that and putting some cheddar on the sandwich.

Rimmer briefly floundered at Kristine Kochanski making a juvenile joke like that before he really started to observe the food between them. "Impressive spread, Kristine. Raid a derelict recently?"

"No. Well, yes, but not for this lot. Hang on a tic." She finished putting the sandwich together, then placed it under a device that Rimmer thought looked vaguely familiar. She pressed a button, and then, to his surprise, two beams of light shined down, and a second sandwich appeared next to the first one. She picked them up, put them on two plates, and removed the top pieces of bread again. "Want anything? Mustard? Mayo? Gray poupon?"

Rimmer got his brain working again and faked an easy grin. "Mustard, thank you. Just a dollop."

She poured just a smattering of mustard onto the sandwich before similarly pouring all three condiments onto hers. She pulled a mug of tea out of the microwave, then duplicated it and gave him one as well. "He has his with cream and no sugar. Same?"

He nodded dumbly. Good lord, how did these guys live it up like this? When he'd last been in his dimension, they'd been living off space weevil and whatever Kryten could scrounge up. "What's that fancy gizmo?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the triplicator," she replied, finishing making the tea and carrying everything on a tray over to the scanner table. "We recently figured out how to switch it to a duplicator for situations like this. Comes in handy. We put all the perishables in the Deep Sleep booths and make copies of them." She grinned as she sat down across from him. "I always enjoy a bit of a late night feast when the others are snoozing. Making up for lost time after all those years of soft-light."

Rimmer nodded knowingly. "Apologies for catching you with your hand in the proverbial cookie jar."

She chuckled as she took a bite of her sandwich. "By the way, I'm glad you're back again. He really appreciated what you said to him last time."

Rimmer froze. Uh-oh. "Did he?" he asked, trying to keep his voice from squeaking.

"Mmm," she said before swallowing. "He said the first time you were here, it was like having to deal with his - your - brothers, so to have you speak so highly of him perked him up quite a bit."

"Oh? Well, glad to hear it," Rimmer fumbled. This blew his mind. The idea that Ace resembled his brothers had never really occurred to him at the time. He'd simply been too jealous of him swanning in and immediately befriending the crew that tolerated his presence effortlessly while he tried and failed to even be liked. He remembered all the hateful homophobic things he'd said to the bastard, and now, it transpired, that if he'd been a little less bitter, he and Ace might have actually got on. That didn't excuse Ace dismissing him out of hand for not being exactly like him, but clearly, he and his other self had found a way to work out their differences.

He took the time to think of this while eating his sandwich.

Rimmer shook his head. Everything the computer had just blown his mind.

"So there's an endless chain of Ace Rimmers running around the multiverse, saving planets, fighting monsters and shagging women traipsing about the multiverse?"

"And when one Ace dies, he recruits the replacement from a parallel dimension," the computer confirmed.

Rimmer glanced back in the direction of the landing bay entrance and swallowed. "So…," he asked worriedly, "… is that why you're here? Time for the big job interview?"

The computer chuckled. "No, Arnie, nothing like that. You're one of the Arnold Rimmers who is ineligible for the job."

He didn't know why, but he felt a flare of indignation at that. "Oh? Not good enough for the bacofoil flight suit, am I?"

"No, no, no, it's not like that. You're the last human being in the dimension. You're too important to your world to just take off and defend the weak."

Rimmer tried not to let his nostrils inflate with too much self-importance. "Oh, I see," he said, biting back a proud grin. "It's like having a doctor's note excusing me from P.E."

"If that makes you feel special, go right ahead."

"So," Rimmer said slowly, finishing only half of the sandwich before taking a sip of tea. "Don't remember if we had this discussion or not, but how did you lot end up here anyway?"

Kochanski waved dismissively. "Oh, we lost Red Dwarf a while back. Long story."

"No, no, I mean - how did you end up in deep space? You as a hologram and Arnie as the last man alive."

"Oh! Well, it's a long story as well, but…" She paused to choose her words. "So, my ex-boyfriend Dave was all depressed after our break up and smuggled a pregnant cat onboard Red Dwarf, and I caught him with it. Let it loose in the air vents so it could survive with minimal chance of detection."

Rimmer frowned. "And you never got in trouble?"

"I won't say the higher-ups weren't a tad suspicious, but then the accident happened. The cat survived in the cargo hold and gave birth, and all those kittens led to the creation of the cat species." She thought about that. "Still not sure what happened to them."

Swallowing down his apprehension about his next question, Rimmer dared to ask it. "And how did Old Iron Balls survive? Stasis, I assume?"

Kochanski laughed at the nickname. "Yes, he got himself bung up in stasis some time before the disaster. Details are sketchy, but he stayed there for three million years, and bingo-jingo, here we are."

He waited for more, but she went on eating the rest of her sandwich. He almost said, "That's it?" but it didn't sound like an 'Ace' thing to say. After a moment's thought, he went with, "So how'd that 'accident' come about?"

"Oh, one of the drive plates was faulty. Flooded the whole ship with Cadmium II. We all died within minutes." She grimaced. "Glad I can't remember that bit."

"Any idea what caused it to happen?"

Kochanski shook her head following a sip of tea. "Just that usual archaic JMC engineering. It's what they get for those budget cuts."

Once again, Rimmer's mind began reeling, almost as though a huge weight had just been lifted from his shoulder. The accident he thought he'd caused would've happened whether he worked on the drive plate or not. Nothing he did would have changed that. He couldn't help the smile that split his face.

"What's up?" Kochanski asked, having seen his expression.

"What? Oh - nothing," he said, finding the Ace voice to be just a little easier to hang onto. "Just thinking about all the different versions of reality. Seen quite a few of us. Always glad to see the realities where we don't let a little thing like hard luck get us down."

She waved him off. "Who says it doesn't? You're just catching us on a good day." She eyed the rest of his sandwich sitting on the plate. "You gonna finish that?"

"So we have a couple of prepared scripts whenever we return to a dimension. Just a few details to help the newbies familiarize themselves."

Rimmer nodded. "And how's he been doing?"

"Rough start, but then, he's hardly the worst I've ever had. Thing is, he's more homesick than most Aces. Not that he'd ever admit it in a million years, but he's not really into it. Personally, I think it's a midlife crisis."

"Is it possible for a hologram?"

"Oh yes, you ought to know that a hologram is capable of anything a human can do, and that includes making a prat of themselves."

Rimmer nodded thoughtfully. He knew the signs of a midlife crisis. New haircut, new clothes, active lifestyle, little red sports car - or, in this case, a dimension-hopping spacecraft. "So you think this will wear off?"

"In time. I've seen it before. Sometimes, you want to die in honor and glory, and other times, you just want to retire, put your feet up and complain about the weather." Then, to his alarm, the dashboard's light went red. "Oh dear."

"Problem?"

"Seems we've got company. A battle cruiser approacheth off the starboard bow."

Rimmer felt a stab of fear in his navel. "Any ident details?"

"GELF origin, and if the amount of firepower they're carrying is any indication, they're seriously P. ."

"How fun," Rimmer grumbled, already making to leave. "Can you warn Ace from here?"

"Already on it. Get up there, Arnie."

Rimmer turned and fled up the landing bay steps.

Mid-sip into his cup of tea, Rimmer almost did a spit-take when he heard the computer's voice in his ear. "Ace - we've got company! GELF battlecruiser on approach!"

Wiping his jacket awkwardly, he pulled his collar up to his mouth. "From which direction, computer?"

Kochanski frowned as she finished off the second sandwich. "Problem?"

"Starboard bow. Better hurry."

"Understood, computer," he said before shrugging on the persona he'd been forced into. "Apologies, Kristine, but the old girl says we have late night visitors. GELF cruiser - probably looking for a fight."

Wiping the crumbs from her mouth, Kochanski got to her feet and slapped a button on the wall that set off a ship-wide alert. With the warning klaxon booming and the red, blue and green lights flashing, she made for the cockpit where Kryten jolted out of his recharge and began to ask questions. Rimmer followed her up the steps and peered out through the plexiglas viewscreen as his other self bounded up into the co-pilot's seat, followed shortly by the Cat - still in his bathrobe and curlers.

"What's going down?" the sleep-deprived feline demanded crankily.

"Some GELF battlecruiser!" replied Kochanski as she took her station. "God, look at the size of that thing!" Her expression paled. "Incoming fire!"

Rimmer gripped the hatchway as his other self and the Cat gripped the controls and sent them spinning out of the way, just barely dodging the ugly red-orange laser screaming at them.

"I don't suppose there's a reason these gits are attacking us out of nowhere," his other self demanded agitatedly. "Usually, we have to seriously smeg someone off before they start trying to fricasse us."

Kryten's console beeped, and his eyes widened as an image appeared on the screen. "They've sent a scan, sir," he said urgently. "Look."

He pressed a button, and the monitor over the cockpit filled with a particularly hairy GELF that looked strangely familiar to all involved.

"Oh, don't tell me," groaned his other self.

"Not to gossip or anything," said Rimmer in his Ace voice, "but I take it this is an old acquaintance of yours?"

"It's his missus," Kochanski supplied.

Rimmer eyed his other self dubiously. "Now, Arnie, I know sometimes the ol' beer goggles can be effective, but I must say…"

"Not like that! We were in a fix! I performed the supreme sacrifice for the good of the crew!"

"You really didn't," retorted the Cat, "but you would have if we hadn't come to rescue you!"

Kryten, meanwhile, had slipped on a headset in order to receive a call from the other ship. "Er, sir? They're demanding you return to your bride. In Gelf law, separation is impossible without special dispensation from Hack-akhlak-kkhh, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk. Chief Justice of Hakhakhk-aahkahkh-hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak."

"Well, Hakhakhk can stuff it," replied Kochanski, "because we are getting out of here!"

Rimmer looked about the crew. All stations taken, he couldn't really get a good look at the readouts they all used to take a bearing on the situation. In fact, he felt oddly superfluous at the moment. There had to be something he could do to help these guys. Taking advantage of their distraction, he slipped away into the mid-section and pulled his collar up to his mouth.

"Computer, we need some help," he said discreetly so as not to distract the others. "How's your auto-repair been doing?"

The computer had the good dignity to sound shocked. "Auto-repair? Ace, I assure you - the Wildfire is a very ill ship!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Can the balloon juice, Computer. I know why you brought me here. The damage you suffered wasn't that great. Now please give me a hand in saving these guys?"

The sexy chuckle reverberated in his ear. "Never try to out-weasel a weasel. All right, Ace. What's the plan?"

Rimmer immediately began heading for the landing bay. "Give me a hand slipping out the back door while this lot is busy. If they want that GELF's husband back, I'll be sure they get him."

The computer clicked her modem. "You're fortunate I'm not the jealous type. I'll override the landing bay doors."

Rimmer and Cat continued to wrestle with the joysticks as they did their best to outmaneuver the GELF cruiser. As nimble as their little shuttlecraft moved, the cruiser could still keep up despite appearing much bulkier than Starbug.

"Damn, these guys are persistent!" complained the Cat. "There's gotta be a way to give 'em the slip!"

"That's the trouble with trying to escape in space," grunted Rimmer. "No matter which way we go, they only need to turn in that direction. Most we're doing is making them travel sick."

Kryten continued to listen on the receiver. "I'm afraid they're still rather insistent on you returning to your husbandly duties, sir! They won't stop until you're aboard!"

Kochanski went to say something, but then, she saw something surprising on the radar screen. "Wait a minute! There's another ship! Smaller than ours…! It's Ace!"

They all peered out through the viewscreen until they'd turned enough to see that, indeed, Ace's ship had vacated their landing bay and now charged away from them.

"Sorry to blow this pop stand so abruptly, fellas!" his suave tones said over the speakers. "Save your wedding tackle for the right girl, Arnie J! I'll give them something to chase!"

"But sir, that's suicide!" cried Kryten. "Your ship isn't even armed!"

"Can't hit what they can't catch, Krytie, ol' boy!" Ace replied. "Get yourselves to safety! Stoke me a clip - er, smoke me a kipper! I'll be back for breakfast!"

The link went dead, and they watched as, a moment later, the GELF cruiser changed course and began chasing Ace's ship in the direction of an ice planet in the distance.

"What a guy," murmured Rimmer.

Rimmer gripped his pilot's controls as he saw the GELF ship turn in his direction. Swallowing down his fear, he glanced around and saw the rocky terrain that awaited.

"Computer, any canyons or gorges nearby?"

"One - fifty clicks due east," she replied after a brief scan.

"Chart a course. Keep watching the rearview mirror."

"Aye-aye, mon capitan."

Biting his lip, Rimmer kept a sharp eye on the GELF ship. Even as a hologram, he knew the ship's ident computer would reveal him to be Arnold Judas Rimmer, and that's who they needed. He'd met a few Kinitowowi GELFs in his travels, and one thing he knew for certain - they didn't think too deeply. Gripping the controls, he steered around the rocks and icebergs until, at last, the canyon stretched ahead. Aiming just right, he went into a dive for the bottom.

As expected, the GELFs followed him down.

Swerving left and right around the various cliffs, Rimmer took a few deep breaths to steady his nerves as he raced along, hoping he'd be able to put his plan into action soon. He checked on the other ship. They didn't have the maneuverability of his ship, so they just smashed through most of the cliffs that they couldn't get around.

Then, he saw what he needed - the other side of the canyon. Waiting for the signal from his navigation computer, he pulled up as hard as he could, almost at a ninety degree angle as his ship gently and briefly kissed the side of the canyon.

The GELF ship, on the other hand, collided with the canyon wall and went up in a fireball, effectively putting the chase to an end.

Rimmer slumped in his seat as the auto-pilot took over and levelled them out, leaving the planet's atmosphere behind. Rubbing his eyes, he looked down at the dashboard with a smug grin. "Nailed it."

The dashboard turned green, which he knew to be code for the computer rolling her nonexistent eyes.

Kryten looked up excitedly from his station's screens. "GELF cruiser is down, sirs!" he said delightedly.

Cat playfully slugged Rimmer on the shoulder. "Congrats, bud! You're officially a widower!"

Rimmer rubbed his shoulder ruefully. "This is probably exceedingly callous, but does this mean I get half her assets?"

"No, but you get to keep all of yours," Kochanski smirked.

The speakers crackled for a moment before Ace's face appeared on the screen above them. "Right then, chaps! Looks like they won't be giving you any trouble in future!"

"Oh, sir - I thank you from the bottom of my battery pack for saving us!" said Kryten.

"Nothing you lot couldn't have done yourselves," Ace replied. "Frankly, though, you lot have much more important things to do than worry about a jilted bride. Anyway - hate to save the day and run, but since my ship is clearly in good working order, I think it's time I was off."

"So soon?" asked Kochanski disappointedly.

"Fraid so, Kristine, but never mind. I'll be sure to drop in again in the not-too-distant future."

Rimmer eyed his other self for a moment, but then, he decided that what he knew, he ought to keep to himself. No sense in spilling the poor guy's secret. After all, the ship's computer had told him. She'd exaggerated her damage to make sure Ace stayed in their dimension just long enough to get a sense of perspective. That knowledge that he could still have a better life no matter what his situation would come in handy at a later date. Saving them from the GELFs had been a happy coincidence. At least, he figured it was.

"Well then, we shan't keep you any longer," Rimmer said. "Be careful out there, Ace."

Ace grinned that grin. "Now Arnie - where's the fun in that?" He laughed heartily. "It's been a blast, fellas."

"So long," said Kochanski.

"Bye, dude!" said Cat.

"Au revoir, Mr Ace, sir!" said Kryten.

Ace flipped a few switches on his console. "Smoke me a kipper! I'll be back for breakfast!" He looked oddly triumphant after saying that before the link cut, and his ship jetted away into the inky black.

"Good luck, Iron Balls," Rimmer whispered before he saw a faint twinkle in the distance.

And Starbug chugged ever onward.

Author's Notes: I actually did toy with the idea of doing a straight adaptation of this episode and have Rimmer legit leave the crew to become Ace. If I had, I would've had the others be joined by the hologram Lister from "Ouroboros" - the "perfect" one. However, I soon realized how messy Series VIII would get and decided against it. This was more fun.

Next week: The Linkway