Gone Abie Gone Homer and Marge forget to visit Homer's dad at the home so he runs away so they have to find him, they find secrets of his youth like how he remarried after Mona went on the run from Mr Burns and the FBI. He married a swinging black cocktail bar lady from The Sweet Smell of Success at a bar he worked at called Spiro's.
Meanwhile Lisa finding Homer, her dad, put her college fund on a casino website after scalding himself with onion rings decides to gamble it. And Sideshow Bob returns.
Plot
The title gag is Mrs Glick and her exploding brother on a cloud with halos.
"I told you to let go of that grenade..." said Mrs Glick.
He brother sighed, he was stained with soot.
The Billboard is advertising Spiros. "Moussaka is off the menu until further notice due to plate smashing."
"You crazy Greeks!" Oscar yelled.
Teddy sighed.
The chalkboard gag is "I will not concede the election until Karl Rove gives me permission to do so." Basically Karl Rove had done what Trump has just done and threw a tantrum about the election result on the news because he wanted Romney to win.
"I wanted Romney to win to shut that Death to Righties Guy up..." said Oscar.
Bart sighed.
The Couch gag is the Simpsons on their couch dressed as Penelope Pitstop in a Wacky Racers race! XD.
The Simpsons. Their couch is called Brown Lighting.
"Sounds like something I've done in my diaper..." said Oscar.
The Wiggums as the Piggly Wiggums. As the announcer refers them as.
The Bumblebee Man riding a bee fur yellow and black printed couch with his chihuahua and Mrs Bumblebee Man and a jar of bees. The announcer called their Wacky Racers scar the Bumble Buggy.
Mr Burns and Smithers were Dick Dastardly and Muttley. XD.
Smithers snickered like Muttley.
Dr Hibbert was Dr Groom and his family on a hospital bed.
Willie and his couch as Glasgow a go go!
Cleatus and Brandine and their many inbred children are Hick Dastardly. Should be the Arkansas Chug a bug! You stupid announcer!
Frink was driving a hi tech couch called the Franken Continental.
Sadly there were no hairy cave men...
Everyone crashed and Grampa Simpson on a couch on his own won. "Hehehehe! Beat ya!"
"D'oh!" Homer groaned.
The TV in the titles is now a plasma screen instead of the old cathode ray tube box.
...
The episode starts at Gulp N Blow Drive through.
"Oh great... it's Homer..." a staff member sighed. As a customer he always ordered many unhealthy snacks and things ie two or three burgers, super sized fries, onion rings, some unhealthy fattening thing called Lard nuggets or scrape ums. A donut, a shake or sometimes a diet cola for example.
"He's such a glutton..." said a drive thru worker.
His coworker nodded,
As a former employee Homer got hair in the food. sauce on his arm which he licked off in front of customers. Whined about wanting to know about the secret sauce.
"I bet Homer was the double agent who told everyone the secret recipe to our secret sauce..." said a drive thru worker.
His father was even worse!
"Don't get me started about Pops!" said a fry cook. Abe when he did a stint there he thought the radio was a Ham radio to contact his platoon in the Flying Hell Fish.
"Simpson to Phelps! Simpson to Phelps! Do you copy?" Abe yelled into the radio.
"I said I wanted fries you idiot!" A customer yelled honking his horn.
"French fries? Do we do those?" Abe asked.
His co worker sighed.
Then there as the fact he never washed his hands after going to the bathroom and him mucking about.
"Hey now the old man's gone we can have some fun!" said Abe taking out his dentures. He put his dentures in a bun. "Hey I oughta take a bite outta you! Hehehehe!"
But the boy wrapping up the burgers just took the bun with Abe's teeth in it and wrapped it up to hand out to the customers.
"Ooooooh!" Abe groaned.
Chomp! "Ow! This sandwich just took a bite out of me!" A man whined.
Oscar laughed.
"Oh and that boy who keeps spraying the ketchup and mustard everywhere..." the drive thru worker sighed.
Oscar likes to make a whole lotta mess...
Big Smoke was in the queue of cars waiting to order their lunch too.
The fat guy from one of the classic couch gags was in line too.
...
Homer pulled up at the drive through. He saw a healthy choices menu and scowled.
"Make a healthy choice" was written on the sign.
"Pushy sign! Don't tell me what to try!"
Marge appeared in a thinking cloud. "Homer! Dr Hibbert told you to eat healthier!"
"Well I don't recall that!" said Homer.
"Well I do!" said Marge.
Dr Hibbert appeared in a thinking cloud. "Homer! Eat healthier!"
Bernice appeared in a thinking cloud. "You too, Julius! I heard you were at Loretta's diner on Catfish Friday!"
"How do you know that?! You got your brother following me around again?" Hibbert asked his wife.
"Chester needs a job!" said Bernice.
"I paid him to build my shed! Where's my shed, Bernice?"
Hmmmmmm... a work shy Chester... coincidence? I think not!
"Those wages were terrible!" said Chester, Bernice's brother.
"Build my shed!" Dr Hibbert yelled.
"Make me!" Chester replied.
Dr Hibbert and Chester fight in a fight cloud. Homer and Marge are baffled by this. Homer puts his fingers in imaginary Marge's ears and orders "A bag of onion rings! Please!"
Marge grunbled.
At school.
"Eeeeeugh?! Pistachio pudding?!" Oscar groaned.
"L-l-l-lima b-b-beans?" Teddy stammered. Oscar's living teddy bear thing hates lima beans.
"Evidently the principal likes Pistachio..." said Martin.
"Ugh..." Oscar groaned.
"Some how I miss the Tapioca pudding..." said Teddy.
Bart sighed. "Let's truant and get our lunch elsewhere..."
"Okay!" said Oscar.
Martin frowned at them.
...
However inside the fast food restaurant was utter chaos.
"Can I borrow ten bucks from the till? I've gotta get drunk before a party." said Squeaky Voiced Teen's latest girlfriend to him.
"Uuuuuuuuum..." he murmured stressed out because that is a big no no dipping in the till.
A man comes to the till. "Um excuse me, sorry to bother you. But there is a homeless man in the toilets giving himself a sink bath!" And...?
Squeaky voiced Teen murmured stressed out. He did not want to deal with a naked hobo in the toilets.
Suddenly all of Bart's friends at school ran in cheering wearing karate robes. Yeah much to his chagrin karate was a thing in Springfield right now.
"Hungry karate class is here and waiting!" Milhouse yelled.
Bart winced.
The hobo arrived holding a Krusty happy meal box over his groin. "Yo, got any scented candles?"
"Scented..." said the phantom of the opera.
And good lord! Martin is in the karate class!
"Aaaaaaaagh! We're doomed! Jimbo we're doooooomed!" Nelson screamed grabbing Jimbo's shirt.
"Relax Smelson... it won't last..." said Jimbo.
Squeaky voices Teen groaned stressed.
"Hey greasy, can I borrow one donut from the till? I want to unlock a premium character..." said Oscar. "What? Donuts are a secondary currency in Springfield..."
The till worker groaned.
"Fine... Then I shall squirt ketchup everywhere..." said Oscar.
Bart winced.
The onion ring fryer beeped.
Squeaky Voiced Teen took out the frying cage full of fresh onion rings and tossed them and the boiling fat out the window at Homer. Homer screamed in agony.
Oscar laughed.
"Oops!" said Squeaky Voiced Teen.
"Oh! This is the worst pain imaginable! Oh this one's cold..." said Homer screaming and covered in onion rings.
...
Homer and Marge went to a strange new lawyer who was not Lionel Hutz.
"Because his voice actor is dead brainiac..." said Homer.
In fan fiction and books we don't need voice actors! Poof! The strange lawyer was now Lionel Hutz.
"Ah that was weird. Yeah since all our dialogue is being read you'll just have to imagine the dulcet tones of Phil Hartman readers..." said Lionel Hutz.
"Oooooooh! But I liked the Latino guy!" Homer whined.
And I like Status Quo! In stories. Not the band.
"Mr Simpson your injuries were no accidenté... they were as you say negligence..." said the Latino lawyer.
"Stop replacing Lionel Hutz!" Oscar yelled.
"Yes I know that... My Burns... well they have affected my... (Whispers) Intimacy... Because I spend all night thinking of all the money I'm gonna make from this court case..." said Homer.
"Money? Señor Simpson. I am more concerned about your injuries." said the Latino guy who is not replacing Lionel Hutz!
"Uh?" Homer asked skeptic.
"They have healed far too quickly! Sit still while I give your head the third degree..." said the lawyer as he drew red rings all over Homer's head.
"Aaaaaaagh! It burns! What the hell is in those marker pens?!" Homer screamed. He had one circle ⭕️ like this one on his forehead.
Oscar poofed up three Homers and drew on them with the acid markers a green triangle Godamnit Apple! Well you'll just have to imagine a green triangle a pink square and a blue X on each of the Homers.
"Viral marketing..." said Oscar.
"Oh these are special acid markers." said the lawyer.
"Cooooooool! Acid markers..." said Oscar wanting some.
Lionel Hutz. "Look will you get out of my office Juan?"
The Latino lawyer left.
"Mr Simpson I will win you this court case by turning it into a circus, with surprise witnesses and shenanigans..." said Lionel Hutz.
"Sounds good to me!" said Homer.
Marge face palmed.
...
"Homer Simpson. You shall receive $5,000 after legal fees." said Judge Snyder banging his gavel. Thus wrecking justice by supporting frivolous lawsuits and trickery. Yes Homer's injuries were from a serious lack of good judgment on Squeaky Voiced Teen's half but his injuries had healed up that they were not that serious enough for compensation. Thanks Snyder...
"Woohoo!" Homer cheered.
"Pay up Krusty!" said Judge Snyder.
"It wasn't even my restaurant! It was a Gulp and Blows!" Krusty whined. Seriously what the fudge Snyder?! Supporting an unlawful court case?! Ordering an unrelated business to pay up?! "Man I got a bad lawyer..."
No you got a bad judge supporting Homer and Latin guy defrauding the justice system.
...
Homer went to Moe's to celebrate.
"So Uh, Homer. What are you gonna spend the money on?" Carl asked.
"Well thought cloud Marge told me I should invest it in Lisa's college fund." said Homer.
"I did not! I said Dr Hibbert told you to start eating healthier! And you went and bought onion rings! And here you are drinking beer!" Imaginary Marge nagged.
"Homer stop drinking so much!" Dr Hibbert nagged.
"You too Julius!" said Bernice.
"Where's my shed!?" Dr Hibbert yelled.
"Pay me in money! Not blintzes!" Chester Dupree yelled.
"Aaaaaaagh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!" Homer screamed running around the bar as a thought cloud containing Marge, Dr Hibbert, Bernice and Chester followed him around.
"Uuuuuuuuh..." Moe was baffled by this and waited until Homer calmed down to read his script.
"So where is the money now?" Lenny asked when Homer sat down.
"Uh spent it buying back incriminating photos of me pulling a Michael Jackson dangling Baby Blanket..."Homer replied.
"I hate you!" Lisa yelled leaving her carton of chocolate milk. "I am getting emancipated!"
"That only works on disenfranchised ethnic minorities! Not a reason to legally allow a child to leave Home on their own..." said Oscar.
"D'oh!" Homer groaned.
The following night.
"So where is the money now?" Lenny asked.
"I put it in the bank." said Homer. "That place is great! On the wall they had a picture of an old couple walking on the beach with their pants rolled up!"
"That was a newspaper article about my mom and dad committing indecent exposure under that brief period in the fifties when Springfield took up ridiculous Victorian laws!" Marge replied annoyed at Homer saying her parents looked old back then.
"Uh Homer we all like to walk on the beach with our pants rolled up offending the Victorians. But banks... ain't as safe as they used to be..." said Carl.
"Eh?" Homer asked.
"Yeah , when you give your money to the bank, they lend it to other people. I saw a Sesame Street episode about it." said Lenny.
"Why were you watching Sesame Street?" Oscar asked concerned as he drank his cola.
"Kermit was wearing a trench coat and everything!" Lenny continued.
"Wait, you were watching Sesame Street?!" Oscar asked.
"Wait! That frog in the trench coat was Kermit?" Homer asked.
"All the frogs on that show are Kermit! Keeps all the other frog actors out of work." said Lenny.
"Even the Dig em frog?!" Oscar asked.
"Yes..." said Lenny.
Leap from my LeapFrog electronic book computer?" Oscar.
"Yes...!" said Lenny getting a bit annoyed.
Oscar was about to go on about other fictional frogs.
"Enough! He won't get those other fictional frogs!" Homer yelled.
"He won't get the Candoo toilet wipes frog? The Froggo frog?! Clyde Frog? The Warner Bros dancing Frog?"
suddenly Michigan J Frog bursted into the tavern with a top hat and cane dancing and singing to Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal!
"Hello my baby! Hello my honey! Hello my ragtime gal!"
"Aaaaaaagh! Enough!" Homer screamed.
"Yes even he's being kept out of work by Kermit! Now just stop referencing things!" Lenny yelled.
"Hmmmmmm! This is no place for children... come on Oscar... let's go home..." said Marge.
Plot 2
Exeunt Oscar and Marge.
"Man that kid has some serious issues." said Moe. "I'll tell you where your money's safe Homer! A gambling website!" said Moe with a laptop on a poker website.
Gamblor laughed evilly.
"Mwuhahahaha! Yes! Yeeeees!"
"I'm not gonna gamble with my daughters money! I've learned over twenty four seasons that's a really irresponsible thing to do!" said Homer.
Season three Homer ran in. "Moe I want to win some of your smelly stiletto money here's all my Daughter's college fund on Silver at the horse racing.
"Retro Homer my stiletto money is not smelly! And that's a horrible thing to do!" Moe yelled.
"Daaaaaaad! You're gambling away my future?! How could you?!" Retro Lisa cried and ran off.
"See how awful I used to be when I gambled?" said Homer.
"No Homer you don't bet with it. The Poker website just keeps it safe where the IRS can't get its grubby little hands on it." Moe replied.
"Oh just have one little flutter..." Gamblor whined.
"No Gamblor! You will not have me in your neon claws!" said Homer.
...
Homer went Home and on his Mapple computer went on the gambling website Moe showed him and invested five thousand in the wager pot. "And invested. Look Lisa!"
"You put my college fund on a poker website?!" Lisa gasped. "Well at least I have a college fund.."
"On a poker website!" said Homer. "And you know it's real classy because the dude is wearing a little bow tie."
"Yea but more importantly it's a college fund..." said Lisa.
"On a poker website!" said Homer.
"Daaaaad! This is serious! This is my future here!" Lisa whined.
"Poker website?" Homer asked showing a T-shirt that read. "I invested in my daughter's college fund. On a poker website!"
"Dad where did you get that shirt?" Lisa sighed.
"Well I've actually had it for ages. I was gonna throw it out but this happened." Homer put the large shirt on Lisa and tousled her hair. She was disappointed in him.
Hugo came in eating from his fish heads bucket. "College fund eh? Where's my college fund, Dad?"
"You don't have one you freak! You were supposed to have starved to death ages ago!" Homer snapped.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ASSHOLE! DIIIEEE!" Oscar screamed and zapped him with a taser.
Homer screamed. "Aaaaaagh! Ow! Ow! Oooooow! This isn't working! Ooooow! Oz I'm not just gonna suddenly be nice to him just because you're Ow! zapping me! Ow! Ow! Aaaaaagh! You're just making me madder! Ooooow!"
"Enough!" Lisa yelled. "Dad stop being so horrible and invest in Hugo's future! Or do we have to get a judge to garnish your salary again..." Lisa frowned at him.
"Fine... five thousand in the pot towards the Freak's College fund. Ow!" said Homer getting zapped by Oscar's taser again.
"And Oz, you need to sort out your anger management issues..." said Lisa.
"I don't have issues with my anger. I have issues with how your Dad treats poor Hugo!" Oscar replied annoyed.
...
In the kitchen Homer has dismantled the toaster to get his car keys.
"That's one way to avoid drunk driving." said Homer chuckling.
"Another way is don't drink." said Marge.
"I'm not Superman, Marge..." Homer replied sarcastically.
"Well that's a shame because you could fly, shoot heat rays out of your eyes and wear your underwear outside of your pants!" said Oscar.
"Shut up Zappy..." said Homer.
Marge glanced at the calendar. "Homer. Do you remember what yesterday was?" Marge asked.
"Of course! Um... Happy Anni birth tines... Shark week?" Homer replied.
"I love shark week!" said Bart wearing a Jaws T shirt.
"Yesterday was when we promised we'd visit Grampa. Aka Your dad. Abe. Why do we all call him Grampa? He's your father and to me is just Abe or Mr Simpson." said Marge.
"I have no idea." said Homer. "And what the?! Calendar! First you put Fourth of July on a Sunday and now this? We will be having words later!" He wrote in the diary of each day, Talk to Calendar.
Homer saw he put the appointment on the night of a blue moon. "Hehehehe! Look Marge! You see why I put it on a blue moon?"
"No..." Marge replied.
"So I never have to see the old fossil! Because blue moons are extremely rare occurrences! A hahahahaha!" Homer laughed.
"Hrmmmmmmm! Homer, that is really horrible! He's your father!" Marge snapped.
...
Homer and Marge arrived with leftovers. "Now remember our plan. Apologise to my Dad. If he wants us to take him out for lunch, show him the leftovers and say we already did but he forgot..." said Homer driving to the old folks home.
"I still feel guilty. Your father won't be around forever." said Marge.
"You take that back!" Homer yelled.
"Okay... he'll be around forever..." Marge sighed.
"You take that back!" Homer yelled.
They arrived at the home.
"Excuse me, we're here to see Abraham Simpson." Marge asked the receptionist.
"Abraham Simpson?" The lady asked. Marge nodded. "Excuse me one second."
concerned chatter could be heard.
"I'm sorry to tell you Mr Simpson but your father is missing!" said a nurse,
"Missing?! What kind of prison are you people running around here?!" Homer yelled.
"Enough! Stop being so horrible to your dad!" Oscar yelled.
"You're not exactly loving towards your dad..." said Homer.
"He used to beat me! What's your excuse?!" Oscar yelled.
"He always put me down and made me live a strong conservative life when I wanted to be a hippy like my mom!" Homer replied.
"What my husband means is that deep down he is very upset his father wasn't being safeguarded properly! How could you let a vulnerable old man go missing!?" Marge was very disappointed in the retirement home.
"If it's any consolation we'll probably find him in the spring when the river thaws. Lots of bobbers turn up then..." said the nurse. He meant floating corpses...
Amusingly the nurses did little to even look for Abe. So Marge and Homer went to his room to see if he was there or had left a clue to where he might be.
They went through his things.
"There's gotta be a clue in here somewhere..." said Homer.
"Spats. Sock garters. World's hardest hard candy..." said Marge finding hard candy.
some years ago.
"Now remember don't try Grampa's candy. It'll break your teeth." said Marge to her kids.
"Marge... they're boiled sweets... you're supposed to suck em. Not bite em." said Grampa.
Marge continues looking through Grampa's things. "Adult diapers, medicine that stops him turning into a woman, That I don't want to know... Oh it's hopeless!"
"Oh this room is like a museum of old, useless crap." said Homer. "By which I mean every museum..."
"Hey shut the heck up! Stop insulting my hobbies Dad!" Lisa yelled in a split screen gag from home.
"But Dad's right though..." said Bart.
"Shut up!" Lisa yelled.
"Okay... Museums are great and a vast well of knowledge..." Homer groaned.
"Ah! Abe's army footlocker!" said Marge finding Abe's army stuff.
"I bet the most important things to that old man are in that box." said Homer.
They spilt it all on the floor. There was a Flying Hellfish logo to sew onto his uniform. A pineapple grenade with its fuse still in. And a blue plate that read... Spiro's.
"So precious... look ata whole man's life, spilt and kicked all over the floor..." said Homer. "Also I'm pissed off he never kept any photos of me. I'm his son!"
"Spiro's." said Marge reading the blue plate from a place called Spiro's. On the back was a note. "The place that changed my life."
"It's a bootleg Spyro the dragon game disk!" said Oscar.
"No it's not you fruit!" Homer yelled.
"A dinner plate belonging to Spiro Agnew?" Oscar asked.
"Aaaaaaaaaargh! Rrrrrrrrrrrrgh!" Headless Spiro Agnew growled.
"No! It's a clue where my Dad is. Flimsy lead, take me away!" Homer yelled taking Marge and Oscar to find Spiro's wherever that was...
...
At the Simpsons house Bart was gambling with Lisa's college fund on the Poker site. Omg! Bad Bart!
"Okay baby, let's see the flop..." said Bart playing online poker.
He got a bad hand and lost. "Damn it lost again!"
The website makes trilling and blipping as the chips he wagers goes to Apu. Then a cash register sound. How fitting.
Lisa comes in the lounge and gasped horrified when she saw what he was doing.
"Are you you playing poker with my college fund?!" she yelled.
"I'm only down $62." said Bart. "Not counting my tips to the cocktail waitress." He gave a sexy waitress some poker chips and her boobs grew bigger.
"Now if only women's knockers did that in real life when you gave them money..." said Oscar narrating.
"Get your grubby little hands off of my future!" Lisa yelled shooing him away from the laptop.
"Fine! Fine..." Bart sighed. "Thank goodness I didn't wager with Hugo's college fund or I would have gotten one hell of a throttling..." He left the room.
"New low, even for this family..." Lisa sighed sat in front of the laptop. "College fund on a poker website... uuuuungh..."
"I hate you! HATE YOU!" Retro Lisa from season three to retro Homer who were in the living room for some reason. "Today is supposed to be Daddy Daughter Day and you'd rather go to the football game and use me to predict the winners so you can wager for Moe's smelly Long Tall Sally boot money!"
"Hey now sweet cheeks, my Long Tall Sally money is not smelly! My feet or anyone else's hasn't been in that boot!" said Moe.
"So why do you keep wager money in a Long Tall Sally then...?" Lisa asked. "Why do you even have that boot?"
"Uh... I don't really know! But it keeps away thieves I suppose..." said Moe. Seriously thieves you're gonna look inside a smelly boot...
"Sex shouldn't be comfy!" The drag queen from Kinky Boots yelled when he and she examined the boot.
Modern Lisa sweat dropped. "Yeah, you'd think Dad putting my money on a poker website would seriously tick me off after the last time he got me involved in his sinful gambling habit."
"Thou shall not gamble!" Retro Marge yelled.
"Sweetheart I very much doubt the bible is against gambling and what one does with one's money..." retro Homer replied.
"Thou shall gamble! Mwuhahahaha!" said Gamblor laughing evilly.
Lisa rolled her eyes. "I'm just gonna log out know while the Narrator muses how our universe used to be. Yeah I lost my temper with Dad easily and Mom was constantly religious..."
Lisa saw she had a good hand. "Hmmm.. Get outta here!" That's not a, Really?! Get outta here... that's Lisa yelling Get out! at Bart because he had his face smooshed up at the window making that face again... "Huh? Two queens?! That's a great start! Hmmmm... maybe I can just win back that $62 dollars... plus whatever Bart gave in tips."
She gets four queens and wins as the game beeps and she wins back all the wagers. "Four Queens?! Yes! Wahoo!"
Ned was at the window screaming. "Gambling uh? Satan's most potent recruitment tool! The power of Christ compels thee! The power of Christ compels thee! The power of Christ compels thee!"
"With all due respect Mr Flanders... I'm a Buddhist and don't believe in Hell. Now a little privacy please..." said Lisa.
"The power of Christ compels-" Ned yelled smooshing his face into the glass of the front bay windows.
"Please..." Lisa groaned. He left. "Thank you."
Lisa wagered and a cash register sound and her wager money going up meant she won. "Yes! $50 up! Hehehehehe!"
"Mwuhahahaha yes! Give into the poker site!" Gamblor laughed evilly as he was hunched over the green arm chair Lisa was sat in.
"Now to play with house money." said Lisa ignoring Gamblor.
"Or time to walk away from the table..." said Bart poking upside down from the chimney so he could be seen in the hearth upside down.
"Shoo!" Lisa told him to go away. He showed up the fire place with a magic sparkle sound. "How did he?!" Lisa gasped.
"Through the power of Santa Claus!" Oscar yelled.
"No Oz... not the power of Santa..." Lisa sighed.
On the roof Milhouse was working a pulley. "Ugh... can't... let... Lisa lose... her sense of... wonder..." he said as he pulled Bart by his ankles up and out of the chimney.
...
Lisa is in her room reading books on gambling and poker.
She has one called Al Roker on Poker. By Al Roker.
"Oh that guy that made fun of people with epilepsy..." said Oscar. "Over the recent Olympics commercials that caused seizures..."
We cut to the lounge a few months earlier before [[Moonshine River]].
"Bart what's that you watching?" Marge asked Bart as she did house hold chores.
"An informercial for the 2012 Olympics." said Bart. "Woooooow... look at those flashing colours..." suddenly his pupils grew big and he collapsed into an epileptic seizure and flames at the mouth.
"Bart what are you..." Marge fell into a seizure too.
"Back to current events... Narrator..." Lisa sighed as she sat in her room with the Al Roker book and another called Fold yourself rich.
"I've read every expert's book on poker and watched Jennifer Tilly's DVD." said Lisa putting a DVD into her computer.
A sexy Jennifer Tilly was playing Poker. "Start with your Simpsons money, (If you need some click on your houses in Tapped out!) Use your little girl voice. (She said in a high pitched voice) and take em for everything they've got!" said Jennifer Tilly.
Suddenly Chucky the evil doll appeared! "And now I'm needed on the set of Bride of Chucky. 5..." said Jennifer Tilly sounding like she ate Bonnie Swanson from family guy! Oh my god! She is Bonnie! Joe your wife is on the Simpsons! Also they kept making Chucky sequels by the looks of things...
"Time is money..." said Chucky the evil doll in a high pitched voice. Doing a 'checking my wristwatch' gesture.
"Money is money..." said Jennifer Tilly.
"And money is college which will lead to more money someday!" said Lisa, "And is that Bonnie from Family Guy?!" Lisa sighed thinking of her father's carelessness to put her college fund on a poker website. "But who knows anymore..." She ejected the DVD.
Plot 3
On a street a dog barks as Marge and Homer try to find Spiro's. Spiro's turned out to be a very scary rough neck bar with bikers looking very threatening and dogs growling at each other and pulling on their chains. Once they broke free they whimpered and ran off. Silly dogs!
Marge reluctantly went in with Homer. "Hmmmmm! This doesn't look like a safe place to bring Oscar..."
"Then why did you bring him?!" said Homer.
"I have to be here to tell the story! Or no story..." said Oscar writing. "And why bring me and not your own daughter Maggie so you don't get in trouble with child welfare again?!"
"Because Matt is being stupid and forgetting we have a baby..." said Homer.
"And two preteen older children! We are terrible parents!" said Marge. And Hugo and Eric in my fanon.
"Okay fine! You're holding Maggie! Get off of my back!" Matt yelled as Marge was suddenly holding Maggie.
Homer stupidly got the rough necks angry with him by mentioning the cops then the bar keeper rescued him and told them when he saw Abe's photo that yes he knew of him.
"Put him down!" said the owner.
Homer sneezed blue snooker chalk in their faces so they had blue faces.
"Oh my god! It's the Blue Man Group!" Oscar screamed.
Marge face palmed.
"Yes I know this man!" said the owner.
Homer and Marge gasped.
"He used to work here... when my brother Spiro owned the place." said the owner.
"Was he Nixon's Vice President?" Oscar asked.
"No he wasn't you nut!" Homer yelled.
"Anyhoo your father used to work here back when this was a bebop, but not Rocksteady, (Oscar whined crestfallen) bar where people ate steaks and had champagne. Oh and the music... I hated the music!" said the owner setting the scene.
"Abe! I pay you to lay the tables! Not play music!" The owner's brother, the previous owner yelled at Abe. "And Marvin Hamlisch! I pay you to play music on the piano! Not lay the tables!"
"What can I say? I like to pitch in!" said Marvin Hamlisch.
Spiro yelled in Greek.
Abe as a bus boy sneaked off to play the song he just wrote on the piano. It was beautiful piano playing.
"My heart does the two step when you waltz into this place." He sung to a tall black lady in a red evening dress who was the night's singer and performer after the band that was just on.
"Wait a minute..." said Homer as we return to the present where Spiro's is now a rough neck bar. "My Dad was an aspiring songwriter like Charles Manson?!" XD!
Oscar screamed with hysterical laughter.
"What? What's so funny?" Homer asked.
"Homer! Charles Manson was a violent serial killer and ran a sinister cult!" Marge explained.
Homer screamed wondering how he could not know that.
Back in the past Abe played the piano while the black lady who is called Rita LaFleur sung it as they grew sweet on one another. Awwwwww!
Meanwhile not yet violent serial killer Charles Manson played the guitar despite them not being a thing in the fifties. It was Louie Armstrong and jazz!
"Man I am so angry I think I should go out and murder people!" Charles Manson growled.
Young Spiro was cross that his bus boy was getting sweet with Rita that he sacked Abe.
"Look at the napkin on that breadbasket? It's so open you can see everything! Disgusting! You're fired! Oh why did I leave Greece... Oh yeah because of the monsters and Zeus shagging everyone..." said Spiro.
"Narrator Greece is not just mythological monsters and Zeus..." Marge sighed.
"If you want to find your father, tell em Spiro Papadapaconstanti Kasgianopolop Odopolotopolis sent you!" said the owner who I am not typing out all that again...
"(Homer perfectly recited all of that...)" said Homer.
"Yes. And the woman you should look for next is Rita LaFleur." said Spiro.
"Rita La Whaaaaaaaat?" Homer amusingly couldn't remember a much simpler surname.
"Homer don't be ridiculous! You remembered this man's very long Greek name you can remember Rita LaFleur!"
They found Rita living nearby. Time was very kind to her.
"Know this man?! Honey, I'm married to him!" said Rita.
"Oh my god! Homer this woman married your father!" said Marge.
"Oh my god I have a black mommy! Also woohoo! I get two Christmasses!" said Homer.
...
At Home because a Matt is stupid and let Marge and Homer go on adventures on their own with our leaving a babysitter with the kids Maggie set fire to the curtains again and Bart invites satanic cultists into the house to summon the devil and shit while for laughs inviting Krusty over, ordering a yard long Hoagie sandwich swimming in vinegar and surgeons to amputate Lisa's butt.
"Oh for goodness sake! Bart no! Stop taking advantage of Matt's stupidity!" Lisa yelled while trying to gamble.
"Lisa Simpson you reported a UFO?" The Men in Black asked.
"I saw nothing!" Lisa yelled.
"I am here to see the king of Nigeria!" said an ambassador of some African country. Possibly Nigeria.
Lisa sweat dropped at this madness. It was no use. The Simpsons universe was screwed of all logic...
Lisa went to her room to watch her DVD of Jennifer Tilly on gambling only to find Oscar watching it and recording new material into the DVD to splice with the original film as he was sat in a director's canvas chair wearing a beret while Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove read lines into a microphone.
"Bonnie! What are you doing?! Get off of there?! I'm serious! This is is your husband Joe! Come back to Quohog baby!" said Kronk. Mmmmmm... media trivia...
"Oz! Jennifer Tilly is allowed to be in other things! Just like Patrick Warburton is!" Lisa ranted.
"Who's a Patrick Warburton?" Oscar asked.
...
Flight of the Valkyries played as Lisa wore college hats and sweaters from such colleges as Harvard, Yale (Mmmmmm... door keys...), Princeton, Springfield Community college (Her town's local college.) University of Missouri, Mt. Holyoke. Cornwall and Oxford etc. But not Brown.
"Ugh!" said Lisa wondering why Mom got her that sweater the second time Dad went to colllege.
"Can I wear that one?" Oscar asked.
"Sure... you wanna be in Brown... okay..." Lisa sighed giving him the jacket. He wore it and went up to the attic.
"Hey Hugey..."
Hugo laughed hysterically.
"What? What's so funny?" Oscar asked.
"Oh it's genius humour... you wouldn't get it Oz..." Hugo said chuckling.
Flight of the Valkyries continues as Lisa wearing a Princeton sweater and hat was playing poker and had just made the superhero Purple S man fold.
Purple S Man was fighting criminals in Springfield while gambling online somehow.
Then Lisa made his friend black mask wearing red leotard woman fold.
"Why are we playing poker when we are supposed to be thwarting evil and stopping bank robberies?!" Black mask red leotard woman asked Purple S Man.
Then she made Aunt Selma fold. She was gambling at work...
Then she defeated a small devil in Hell called Lil' Devil. My head canon is that he is yet another of Treehouse of Horror XI Satan's children.
"Yeah sure..." said Satan as a small red devil was at a computer gambling and had folded because he had a bad hand.
Then Lovejoy was secretly gambling.
"Tim what are you doing?" Helen asked. Tim quickly swiped the app closed and went onto an app that lets you read the bible.
"Oh just reading the bible." said Lovejoy.
"You have been doing that a lot lately." said Helen.
"Well it's a very fascinating book, dear." said Lovejoy.
...
Lisa was still Gambling when another character decided to annoy her by smooshing their face against the windo, this time her bedroom window as she could get no peace downstairs because of the chaos happening down there.
Teddy, Oscar's living teddy bear creature was grinning and smooshing his wet shiny black nose against her window smearing unpleasant moisture down it.
Lisa when she was disturbed from her poker game and saw him knocking she scowled and shut the curtains.
"I'm still here..." said Teddy muffled because of the double glazing.
...
"I can't believe my Dad had another woman! The one man I looked up to!" said Homer.
"You never looked up to him! You're always saying how much you hate him!" said Marge.
"Does everyone have this severe mental problem where I am just appalling and horrible to be around?!" Homer replied.
"No. you're just horrible to everyone and difficult to be around... I'm started to see why Patty and Selma don't like you..." said Oscar sharply.
They arrived at Fallen Diva Apartment. Hopefully Joan Collins lives there...
"Abe? I had just got over that man and now you two show up..." said Rita.
"Oh we're sorry. We don't want to cause you any more pain..." said Marge.
"But we do need to know every filthy detail about you and my father. No matter how embarrassing." said Homer. "It's one of those we're finding about what possibly interesting life my dad may have lived episodes."
Rita sighed. "This is very hard for me..."
"Well start with what was it about my father that attracted you to him?" said Homer doing sexy eyebrows.
"Well he was a mediocre man, but under that was a genius. Then a layer of anger, then a genital soul, then more anger... so many layers that man had..." said Rita.
"Like an onion or an ogre... right Shrek and Grogre?" said Oscar smirking as we pan out to Shrek from Shrek and Grogre the vegetarian ogre.
"Yeah... meh... Whatever..." said Shrek in a heavy medieval brogue and Grogre sounding like a little boy. Because he is a little boy. In ogre terms.
"Oz get out!" Homer yelled.
Oscar left muttering about them ruining his fun making dumb cameos.
"After we were fired from Spiro's Your father and I teamed up." said Rita. Oscar hoped this meant in the superhero sense but in the flashback this meant making sweet love and snogging. Oscar in the flashback somehow screamed in disgust and ran away.
"Ooooooooh... that kind of passion leads to children..." said Marge.
"Faster than you can think..." said Rita as Homer was in the flashback.
"Oh my god! I'm half black!?" Homer screamed.
"No... you were already alive before I met your father..." said Rita.
"Homer Mona is your mother. Unless you are one hell of a love child..." said Marge.
"Mmmmmmm... infidelity..." said Homer.
"So basically you were a bastard, Homer." said Oscar.
"Oscar!" Marge scolded Oscar.
"What? Technically he is according to Rita and Abe's marriage..." said Oscar.
Anyway they got married and amusingly young Homer got the cans tied to the back of their car tangled round him and he got dragged along.
Oscar laughed.
Then in hospital he fell out of his bed.
Oscar giggled.
Homer in the present got annoyed with a Oscar laughing at his misfortune.
Then six year old Homer who unfortunately isn't suddenly mixed race with different mothers in canon, his dad was just on the rebound after Mona went on the run because of Mr Burns. Cough as I was saying, then six year old Homer, still Mona's boy, decided it would be a great idea to stick his tongue in the power outlet and electrocute himself.
"Daaaaaaaaaaagh! Daaaaaaaagh!" Young Homer yelled until Abe pulled him free.
Oscar screamed with hysterical laughter.
Homer growled at him.
"Oscar I'm sure you've done silly things when you were younger." said Marge.
"When I was three... not six..." said Oscar. "I sprayed perfume in my eyes a few times and broke my arm a few times. The last fracture was deliberately inflicted by my dad though..."
Anyway little Homer's stupidity wrecked his father's life because he couldn't take Homer to Europe.
"Europe is no place for a six year old. My Homer can handle a hundred volts. But two hundred could kill him!" said young Abe.
"Uh past Gramps... it's amplitude or current that kills not voltage..." said Hugo.
"Stop interfering with the flashbacks freak!" Homer yelled.
"Daaaaaad! He's right! Amplitude is what is dangerous about electricity!" Lisa was in Hugo's split screen.
"Oooooooh! Why are my brother and sister such geeks?!" Bart whined in his own panel.
"Why is our brother a Neanderthal?" Lisa and Hugo said at once.
Homer pushed away the panels. "Enough interruptions!"
"But our Dream!" said Young Rita.
"Yes I know my sweet tomato... but I'm all the family my boy has. If I leave him behind he won't remember to see me when I'm old and living in a home!" said Young Abe.
"Daddy?" Homer asked wearing a bed pan on his head.
Oscar laughed hysterically.
"I'm here son. I'm sorry Rita, I can't go with you but it would be selfish not to let you live out your dreams... good bye Rita..." said Abe deciding he would stay to look after his moronic son than pursue love.
"And I never saw Abe again..." said Rita. Her younger self tearfully waved Abe goodbye and she went on the plane.
little Homer said something cute or funny and Abe decided it would be really great idea to take a six year old to a bar and buy him a beer! This is madness!
"Where is that bar? I want to drink there!" said Oscar.
"Oscar no! You're only nine years old!" said Marge.
"And that's why Life is before love in the dictionary..." said Rita.
Homer was crying.
"Oh move over Fonzie! There's a new hero in my life! My Dad! And I'll never see him again!" Homer cried.
"Ayyyyeeeeee-eeeeeecccckkkk!" Oscar did the Fonzie Aye! Before Homer suddenly strangled him.
"Stop ruining this tender moment!" Homer growled as Marge tried to pull him off of Oscar.
Plot 4
At home Lisa was playing poker against Apu, Rich Texan and Sideshow Bob?!
"Aaaaaaaagh! Sideshow Bob?!" Lisa screamed. "I wonder what he's doing right now..."
"Doing a really great impression the ketchup smear on my plate." said Oscar eating a sausage sandwich with ketchup smeared on his plate.
"Eeeeeew! Oz that's really morbid..." said Lisa in disgust. He got ran over by a train in Moonshine river.
Lisa got back to playing online poker. She got a good hand.
"Doggarn it! And in the words of Kenny Rogers. That's a no good piece of chicken!" said Rich Texan folding.
Everyone folded except Bob.
"Uh? Why is Bob not folding?" Lisa wonders. "Unless..." well he had a better hand than her... "Four threes?! Nooooo! Also because she got greedy and wagered all out in a bluff she lost all her money to Sideshow Bob.
"Ahhhhhh... well that's one way to settle an old score, Lisa Simpson... Mwuhahahaha!" said Sideshow Bob at a computer in his prison cell.
Lisa cried and became depressed. "It's gone! All gone!"
(Lisa sobbing)
"Please log off... we can hear you..." said the banker.
some minutes later.
Lisa is crying when Bart comes in.
"Aw come on now Lis." said Bart. "No gambling story has a happy ending... except sea biscuit."
"Yeah but you never hear about the ruined lives of those that bet against him! Mwuhahahaha!" said Gamblor chipping in.
"Why is Gamblor in this episode..." Hugo asked.
Because it's an episode about gambling...
"Oh..." said Hugo.
"Oh this is the worst thing to happen to me!" Lisa cried. "Except for when Mr Bergstrom left town, when Bleeding Gums Murphy died and when Snowball II died." She sobbed. "I was Ivy, strong Ivy!"
Bart decided to tell her he had her money but I will not miss this opportunity!
"Oh man this is priceless, but I can't keep this up..." Bart chuckled. "You've still got a college fund..."
"What are you talking about?" Lisa asked.
Bart sighed. "I'm Sideshow Bob..."
"What?!" Lisa yelled.
"Dun! Dun! Dun!" Oscar made a dramatic sound effect. Hugo slapped him for being unhelpful. "Ow!"
"I said... (Puts on Sideshow Bob's voice of a Kelsey Grammar's dulcet tones.) I am Sideshow Bob!"
Dun dun Dun!
The Sideshow Bob theme plays as Bob in Bart's body laughs evilly.
"But how?! A train ran you over! And how on Earth are you inside my brother?!" said Lisa.
"It takes more than a train to get rid of Robert Underdunk Terwilliger!" said Bob in the form of Bart. "And believe me I dislike being in this form. Blame Oscar for wanting a cliff hanger..."
"Oz, this doesn't happen... don't be silly and get Bob out of Bart or whatever he's doing now..." Lisa sighed.
"I think Bart's body suits Bob and he's been gone for three who seasons." said Oscar.
"Now Oscar!" Lisa and Bob yelled.
Oscar snapped his fingers and Bob becomes Bob again.
"It's a sophisticated illusion charm. Bart's tied up and gagged in your closet Lis. That was Bob's idea..." said Oscar.
Lisa looked in her closet to find Bart bound and gagged. She took off his sticky tape gag and untied him.
"Ow! That's smarts... Any way as I was supposed to be saying- Aaaaaaaaagh! Look out Lis! Sideshow Bob is in our house!" Bart screamed.
"Oz was just banishing him back to jail... weren't you Oz...?" said Lisa.
"Oz are you being moronic again?!" Bart groaned. "Nevermind... What the stinger was... was that I was using Bob's Poker account..."
"How did you get into Bob's poker Account?! And Bob Why would you play poker...?" Oscar asked.
"He had a very week password..." said Bart.
"And jail is very monotonous. I have to find something to pass the time between plotting my revenge against Bart Simpson..." said Sideshow Bob.
"I was also trashing all his favourite restaurants on Yelp." Bart chuckled.
"Why you little pus filled sack of rat excrement! I'll kill you!" Sideshow Bob yelled. Oscar quickly banished him back to jail.
"Finally..." Bart sighed. "And I saved your vegetarian bacon, Lis." said Bart holding some rashers of vegetarian mock bacon. Yes they can make veggie bacon now...
"Oh thanks Bart! Yum!" said Lisa eating the vegetarian bacon.
"So is Lisa's College fund safe or not?" Hugo asked.
"It's perfectly safe. Oz is just being himself as usual. I have Lisa's fund. I hope this teaches you a valuable Lesson not to gamble, Sis..." said Bart.
"This story needs drama! And plot twists!" Oscar yelled.
"No it doesn't..." Bart sighed.
"Oh yes. I'll never gamble again!" said Lisa.
"Well the good news is you don't just have the original $5,000 investment. You're a millionaire Lis!" said Bart.
"Oh my god! Not only do I get to go to Ivy League! I can live like a Kennedy!" said Lisa.
"Oh good cos you can die like a Kennedy for suggesting that, silly..." said Oscar pointing his handgun at her.
"Dude, not funny..." said Hugo stopping him.
"However..." said Bart. "The bad news is that $5,000 got deducted because they found out you were a minor playing on their gambling website."
"Shame. Shame. Shame." said the banker doing the shame gesture.
...
"Sometimes in life you don't alway think of the major chords. Sometimes you have to hit the minor keys..." said Rita LaFleur to Marge and Homer.
"Mmmmmm... minor keys..." sighed Jimmy Saville aroused. Why the fuck he is in my story I don't know!
"You should know! You're the author!" said Homer.
"Uh... Rita that didn't make sense..." said Marge.
"I know. I have a serious heroin addiction..." said Rita.
"Ooooooohhhh..." said Marge and Homer.
Rita's Heroin addiction made her sleepy. She took a snooze.
Meanwhile Charles Manson the murderer was in a dilemma whether to pursue his songwriting career or kill people.
"I think I'd rather kill more people." said Charles Manson going off with his cult family to kill more innocent people.
Then South Park needed him for their Christmas special where Mr Hanky the Christmas poo is introduced.
"Anyway if you find your father. Tell him I can still do this..." said Rita. She contorted her leg in a way only a contortionist could do. And strangely did not break anything inside her from being so old!
"Wooooooow!" said Homer.
"She really shouldn't be bending herself like that at her age..." said Marge.
"And if you find your father, give him this." Rita gave Homer an aftershave bottle.
"I know this smell! I always thought it was old man stink!" said Homer.
"Maybe now, but when your father was young that's what attracted me to him!" said Rita. "It was a popular men's musk!"
The aftershave was Chicory Mist.
"Wow you're making me hot for my dad!" said Homer. Eeeeeew!
Homer and Marge with directions from Rita went to a perfume shop.
"Ah yes Chicory Mist. We're the only store that still sells this stuff. After people found it was actually just 98% squirrel sweat they just stopped buying it." said the shopkeeper.
"Eeeeeew!" Oscar groaned.
"Have you seen this man?" Homer asked showing a photo of Abe.
"Let me see... Abe have you seen this man?" The shopkeeper asked an Abe. The Abe turned out to be Homer's father! Dun dun dun!
"Yes I know that guy! He has no son!" said Abe.
"Daaaaaad!" Homer cried and hugged him. Then they all made up and all was forgiven until Homer returns to his usual nasty self. Although to be fair Abe gives as much nastiness as he receives.
Meanwhile at home.
"But Bart why did you do all this?" Lisa asked about the gambling.
"To teach you a lesson about the dangers of online gambling and addiction." said Bart. "And because even though I find your geekiness and knowitallism intolerable, you're still my little sister...And I love you." said Bart.
"Awwwwww!" Lisa hugged him.
"Unnngh...! Okay now can we forget this ever happened?" Bart asked.
"Nope! this is going straight in my memoirs!" said Lisa writing in a book.
Bart sighed.