"When I left you, after we'd crashed, I found a road and was heading for help as fast as I could. I came upon 3 men with rouncies and a wagon. I was so relieved, thinking I could get help and get back to you as quickly as possible."
"It was Meron and his friends," Sam interjected softly.
"Mmm," Jack nodded briefly. "Before I even had a chance to react, they shot me with some kind of stun weapon. I haven't seen one like it since, so I don't know where they got it, but it knocked me unconscious."
She nodded. "For long?"
"I don't know," he said in frustration. "I lost total track of time. When I came to, I was all trussed up and they'd taken all my things, including my watch. I don't know if it was the same day or the next – I had no idea."
He stopped and just stared at the river. Sam knew this was hard for him, brutally hard, and she also knew she was not going to like what he was about to tell her. All she could do was be calm for his sake.
"Why did they capture you," she finally asked, when the silence continued.
Jack took a shaky breath and then spoke so softly she could barely hear him. "To have fun," he said.
She frowned. "What Jack? To have fun?"
"Oh yeah. The three of them were – well, let's just say they were bastards. They enjoyed playing with their victims. They didn't care at all about any of my things. I don't think they even looked through my pack, nor did they touch my weapons. They were only interested in me."
Suddenly Sam had an idea what was coming. In fact, part of her had known for a while, but she'd refused to let it move into her conscious mind. "What happened?" she asked, as carefully and gently as she could.
"They tortured me," he said. He shook his head at himself. He had to be honest with her if she was to understand why they couldn't be together. Telling her was going to be one of the hardest things he'd ever done.
He continued to stare at the water and couldn't look at her. Finally, with a deep breath he spoke. "They – assaulted me."
She bit her lip to stop herself from crying. She wanted to reach out to him, to hug him and comfort him, but she could tell he was wound so tightly he'd probably snap. "By assault you mean –?"
"Rape – and more," he told her quickly. He closed his eyes, suddenly looking lost and sick. "It went on for days. They loved to hurt me, to humiliate me. But what I think was even worse was when they – they captured a woman and tortured and raped her until she died. They made me watch and there was nothing I could do," he cried. "They kept me tied up and no matter what I tried, I couldn't get loose. I couldn't save her."
The tears were running down Jack's cheeks, but she was sure he didn't notice. She barely noticed the ones on her own. "Oh Jack, I'm so sorry, so very, very sorry," she said, knowing how inadequate that was. She tried to keep her voice calm, but it was hard. She wanted to kill the men, even though they weren't here. She took a deep and rather loud breath. "I can't imagine," she said softly but then she broke. "Those fucking BASTARDS!"
He laughed slightly at that. Hearing her swear was unusual but he appreciated her anger although he still felt sick and ashamed. "You realize that – that it's not something I'm over," he admitted in a rush. "I – it goes round and round in my mind all the time. I wake up with nightmares almost every night." He stopped and swallowed, still not looking at her. He wanted to crawl into a hole, but knew he had to continue to be honest.
"Nightscares," she said softly.
"The boys told you?"
"Mmm hmm. They worry about you. They love you."
"I can't have a relationship, Sam, not after what they did to me," he suddenly blurted out.
She reached out and gently touched his tightly clutched hand, although she withdrew her own quickly, knowing that he probably couldn't handle her touching him at this moment.
"Jack," she said softly, gently, "I won't presume to say I understand what you've been through, but I do know that you were a victim, a victim of truly horrible men. It didn't happen that long ago, and I know you're still dealing with everything. Have you spoken to anyone about it?" She wasn't going to get into discussing their relationship until she found out a bit more. This was serious – horrible in fact, but she needed more time to process everything.
"No," he shook his head. "Ethan and the Doc know, of course, because of my wounds. It was – bad. I'm pretty sure no one can help me with the memories."
"God," she hissed, knowing now wasn't the time to talk to him about getting counseling. He needed to speak with someone rather than hold everything in but he clearly wasn't ready to hear that, and she didn't know if she was even the person to broach it.
Her anger suddenly spilled over. "I wish I could carve them up, piece by piece. Those bastards," she said again. She could hear him snort at her words, although he still wouldn't look at her.
"How did you get away?" she suddenly asked. "You've never said anything. Do you remember?"
"Oh yeah," he answered. "Unfortunately, I remember absolutely everything." He took a few moments to gather himself together. He realized that Sam hadn't responded when he'd told her they couldn't have a relationship. He prayed she'd accept it, but first realized he needed to give her a bit more information.
"They left me tied up – most of the time," he told her, haltingly. "One night they'd been drinking, all sitting around the fire, when Meron – he was the leader of their little gang – cam over to harass me. He stood over me and tried to humiliate me. He then informed me that he was going to start cutting off body parts!" Jack let out a huff of breath, remembering the terror he'd felt at Meron's word. He'd been sure the man would do it.
"When he knelt down beside me to threaten me, his knife fell out of his pocket. He didn't see it, but when he'd gone back to the fire, I was able to retrieve it. They left Donar on watch and the other two finally went to bed. I managed to get loose, and I killed Donar and waited for the others."
"And you killed them too," she stated. "I hope you made them suffer!" she said furiously.
"Oh yeah," he said, "at least I tried. I – anyway, it doesn't matter. I found out that I didn't have it in me to torture someone to death, so I zatted Meron and Alid three times. Donar was already dead, so I just made him disappear. I then zatted everything they owned, except the rouncies, so as to leave no trace. Then I went and tried to find you."
"Oh God Jack, I'm so sorry you had to go through that," she told him, the tears raining in torrents down her face. "And I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I'll never forgive myself for that. I understand that you're still dealing with everything, and it will take – time." She stopped him when he went to speak. "I understand that you're not ready for a relationship now, but please, don't write us off. We can -"
"Sam," he interrupted her. He finally lifted his eyes and looked at her directly. "You don't understand," he said told her. "I can't have a relationship with you, with anyone – ever."
"But Jack -"
"Sam, I'm IMPOTENT," he shouted. "They damaged me – not just emotionally, but physically. I can't have a relationship – I can't be with you – with anyone. Even if the trauma healed, I'm – I'm no longer -", he stopped suddenly, his head fell forward and he clutched his hands together so tightly the veins stood out in full relief.
Sam sat there staring at him, stunned, not knowing how to react, or what to say. She hadn't been that surprised at his revelation of what had been done to him – she'd already suspected it. But never in her imagination had she thought that there was permanent physical damage. He'd seemed a bit thinner when she'd seen him again, but other than that he looked perfectly healthy. Yeah, as if what he was talking about would show, her inner voice told her.
"Jack – I,"
"No, please, don't say anything," he said, standing suddenly. "You have to understand that this means we can only be friends? You have to know that and respect that that is all we can ever be. If we don't find our way home, then I hope – I hope you'll find someone. You need someone who loves you, Sam, and I – well, I can no longer do that."
"Oh God Jack," she said, standing up and wanting to reach out to him, but knowing she couldn't. She was reeling inside, completely unsure of how to react. She knew that later, when it sunk in, it would hit her hard. For now, all she could feel was a sense of desperate sorrow for this man. "We'll – think of something," she finally said.
"No, no we won't," he replied. "Please just – can we be friends, Sam? Can you let everything else go? I'll understand if you can't. I'll give you all the space you need – permanently if you want it. I want you to be happy, but unfortunately it can never be with me."
She wanted to cry and didn't think she could speak, but she finally nodded. "Of course we'll be friends," she told him. "And no, you don't need to give me space. You mean too much to me and I don't want to lose you. I'm – so sorry for what you've been through and for what you're dealing with Jack." The words seemed almost meaningless, but she didn't know what else to say. She was not giving up on him, or on their chance together. But she knew now wasn't the time to tell him that. He was on edge, and she was afraid he was going to break.
"I think – we should head back," he finally said. "Magnus and Magda will get worried."
She nodded, suddenly realizing that she too was about to break. She desperately needed to go home and close herself in her room and cry her eyes and her heart out.
The two of them turned and headed back to Ethan's. Neither spoke nor touched nor looked at the other. Inside, both were heartbroken.
The two former Air Force officers were so wrapped up in their own misery that they didn't see the man who had been standing quietly in the shadows, listening to their entire conversation.
Leron had had his suspicions confirmed, and now followed the two with his eyes until they were no longer in sight. "You think you've suffered, my dear Jack," he said softly. "Believe me, there is more to come."