Thank you as ever to the loveliest Hollie for always giving me the best reviews!
There was a deafening bang. A scream ripped through the air, then it abruptly cut out.
"POLICE! PUT THE WEAPON DOWN! HANDS UP, ON THE FLOOR NOW!" a male voice shouted.
Jess opened her eyes, her heart beating rapidly, and she placed the gun slowly on the table before raising her hands in surrender. The armed police officer tackled her to the ground, as planned. From her place on the floor, Jade looked at Jess, betrayal in her eyes. "Did you bring the police here?"
"We had to Jade, your sister is so worried about you. She doesn't want you to die, she just wants to help you. Please let her help you." Jess whispered kindly to the terrified girl.
Jade's blue eyes became wet, "I miss her. But I don't know what to do! Please, I don't want to be arrested, let me see her."
Jess tried to comfort her, "It's ok, you can see her soon, I promise." Jess turned to Beth, who was still sitting at the table, mouth open in shock, "You ok Beth?"
Beth turned her head slowly towards Jess, "You pulled the trigger." she said in disbelief.
"I know, I know. Sorry if I scared you." Jess said, being helped to her feet by the armed officer as everyone else who had been present was taken out the room, including Jade and Joseph. Jess sank into the seat next to Beth.
"What were you playing at? You could have died! Oh my god..." Beth just shook her head, her eyes still wide with shock.
"Please Beth, I had to act the part, they had to trust us. You must be able to see that..." Jess began, pleading with Beth to understand.
"No I can't. There's playing the part and then there's killing yourself for the sake of what? You have a husband who loves and needs you." Beth said, her eyes softening as a tear ran down Jess' face.
"But what if Luke needs me more? Dan would be fine without me, I'm sure of that. I need to go outside, get some air." Jess said, abruptly standing up and half running out the flat. She bolted up the basement stairs, just reaching some grass when she retched, her whole body emptying out. Once she was done, she wiped her mouth, slowly making her way to the kerb, gratefully letting her shaking legs collapse.
"What the hell went on in there?" Jess heard an angry voice above her. She looked up to see Stevie, Gina and Callum all standing over here, while Max ran into the flat, searching for Beth. "You weren't supposed to pull the trigger!"
"You wanted a successful op, I gave you a successful op. Please just give me five minutes." Jess said wearily, her head resting on her knees.
She felt the air move around her as someone sank to the kerb next to her; Callum. He offered her a bottle of water which she gratefully took. "Jess, are you hurt?" Callum asked.
Jess swigged a mouthful of water then turned her head to look at him, "No, I'm fine."
"What's going on with you?" he asked gently, his warm brown eyes staring intently into her green ones. "You never should have been put on this case. We should have taken you off after seeing what got you the invite here in the first place. I'm sorry Jess, we should never have put you in that situation."
Jess blinked rapidly, "All I knew was that the gun could have let me see my son again."
"But you would have died Jess." Callum said softly.
"I know, and the thing is, I didn't even think of Dan. I didn't care." Jess said, her shoulders suddenly starting to shake. Then her whole body trembled, and Callum pulled her to him, helping her to the car.
Jess and Beth were sitting in the soft interview room with Jade and Meg. Jade had fallen asleep half an hour ago, sitting right next to her sister. As soon as Jade had seen Meg, she had fallen apart, flung herself into her sister's arms and hadn't let go. Jess shut her eyes, trying to dull the headache that was brewing. She was slowly drinking her sugary tea when the door to the room opened. A cold breeze blew across her, raising goosebumps on her arms. Her eyes snapped open, and she looked into the face of the Inspector.
"PC Waite, PC Green, can I talk to you for a minute please?" the Inspector asked. They both got up, smiling at the sisters as they went past. They joined the Inspector in the hall before walking to her office. "Take a seat." The women settled into their chairs, waiting for the Inspector to speak. "First I'd like to congratulate you on a very successful operation. We've sorted out the criminals from the mentally ill, and we've referred them all to counsellors. As you saw, Jade won't be held responsible for anything, we thought it would be detrimental to keep her away from Meg any longer. She will also be offered counselling and therapy."
"So Jade will be free to go with Meg?" Beth asked.
"Yes she will. It was Joseph that we were mainly after, and one or two of the others. So well done both of you, the DI and Superintendent were really impressed. Beth, if you want to quickly see DS Carter about debriefing and then let Meg and Jade go. Thanks." Gina smiled as Beth rose and left the room. Jess half rose before Gina turned and shook her head. "I'm not finished with you PC Waite."
"Look ma'am, I'm sorry about the whole gun thing, but I couldn't say no could I, they would know that something was up and the whole op would have been compromised." Jess said quickly.
"But it could have gone off and you could have died. Not only that, but you would have put Beth in danger, as well as the others." Gina said sternly.
"Ma'am, I know, I understand that. But we got a result didn't we? Meg has her sister back, and Joseph will be locked up, the others will get help..." Jess said.
"But you didn't get to see your son again did you. That's why you did it. You were grief driven. Everything you wrote on that website was the truth wasn't it. You wanted to know if it was fate for you to die." Gina said. Jess froze, not realising that Gina had understood.
Jess hung her head, "Fine. Ok, I knew exactly what I was doing, I knew that I could have died. I welcomed this op for the opportunity it could have given me, to see Luke again. I was ready to take that risk to see him again. Can't you see? I lost my son, someone who was half me, someone who I protected in my body for nine months. And now he's gone, I have nothing left of him, nothing. Just emptiness, and a heart full of love with nowhere to go. Do you have children ma'am?"
Gina froze before shaking her head, "No I don't..."
"So you can't know what I'm going through, can't know how it feels to lose a child, and you can't understand how guilty I feel about it." Jess said, rising out of her seat.
"Jess, I want you to see a grief counsellor." Gina said.
"What? Why?" Jess said, her defences rising.
"Because you had an intention to kill yourself, however small that may have been. You had no way of knowing if the gun would go off and you took that risk regardless. You won't listen to me; you need to see a professional who can help you come to terms with everything. Maybe Dan should go with you as well. I'd like to add that this isn't optional. If you want to keep working here, seeing a professional is now a condition of your employment. I do not want to lose a good officer Jess, but you cannot knowingly put yourself and others in danger." Gina said, sternly but kindly.
Jess sagged back into the chair, and when she spoke her voice was hoarse, "Do you know what? I was going to book me and Dan in to see a counsellor. But I chickened out, I didn't want to tell a stranger all my feelings, what if they laugh or say that it's been long enough and to snap out of it?"
Gina smiled kindly, "They won't laugh at you, I promise. Just give it a try. Here, here's a number I've given to people before. Dr Brennan is really good. Have tomorrow off ok to get yourself booked in with Dr Brennan."
Jess took the little card, running her finger over the name, "Thanks ma'am. I am really sorry about today. I'll see you in two days then."
"Yes, see you then. Let me know how it goes." Gina said, watching Jess walk out her office and down the corridors.
By the time the team had their debriefs and all the paperwork had been completed, Jess arrived home just after seven in the morning. She sleepily meandered through the hall and stumbled into the living room, placing Dr Brennan's card by the phone so she would remember to ring him later when she woke up. She heard footsteps down the stairs, and peeped into the hall to see Dan. He had on his jogging bottoms and trainers, he was obviously getting ready for his morning run.
"Hey honey." he said, kissing her gently. He pulled her into a hug, one hand around her waist, the other on her neck.
"Morning." Jess said, stifling a yawn.
"How did the op go? I was going to ring you when you weren't home when you were supposed to be, but I wasn't sure if you were done or not." Dan said, letting go and leading her to the sofa. He sat down and she rested against his bare chest, one hand on his chest feeling the steady thrum of his heart.
"It went...well...it was successful, but I did something that was stupid." Jess said slowly. She felt Dan tense beneath her.
"What?" he asked quietly.
"I told you about the Russian roulette thing, right? Well when we got to the place, the guy who ran it asked if me or Beth wanted to take the gun first." Jess said carefully.
"Please tell me you didn't." Dan asked.
"I'm sorry." Jess said simply.
Dan pushed Jess off him, gripping her shoulders tightly, "Are you telling me that you pulled the trigger?"
"Yes. There's no point lying to you about it. I need help Dan, we need help, professional help. The Inspector suggested that we see a counsellor together, and I think we should." Jess said, biting her lower lip.
"We don't need to see a counsellor, we have each other." Dan said sharply.
"No you don't understand! I need to talk to someone about it, get some perspective. I want to know what's right, what's wrong, how I can grieve without hurting others. It's starting to affect my work, and that's the last thing I want. The Inspector has not given me a choice in the matter. I want you there Dan." Jess said sincerely, placing her hand on Dan's cheek.
"You can talk to me! We went through it together, we understand each other!" Dan said, his voice dangerously low. He pushed himself off the sofa so that he was facing the mirror.
"I feel guilty all the time Dan! I feel like there is this huge part of me which died with Luke, and I want to know how to cope! I have to go, whether you want to come is up to you." Jess said firmly, getting up off the sofa.
Dan whipped around, his face full of regret, "I hate doing this to you, but you make me. You provoke me. Why can't you just listen to what I say instead of arguing with me?"
"Dan, don't even think about it. I will report you if you touch me, I swear it this time." Jess warned, standing up and making sure the door was open behind her, just in case.
"You'll report me? Will you really?" Dan taunted.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Your reputation would be ruined Dan, you would go to jail. You say you love me, but you wouldn't hurt me over and over like this if you loved me." Jess said, starting to feel scared.
Dan laughed bitterly, "My reputation? I'm more concerned about my wife spreading rumours about me which simply aren't true. I love you too much, that's the problem." In the blink of an eye, Dan had lunged at Jess, pushing her off balance. She fell through the doorway into the hall, landing on her back, winded. She pulled herself up, quickly moving out the way before Dan could kick her.
"Leave me alone! I am so tired of this!" she shouted at him, trying to get up the stairs. Dan grabbed her hair, pulling her back down the first few stairs she'd managed to scramble up. She screamed in pain; her head felt like needles were being pushed in and pulled out, over and over. Dan knocked over the hall table as he pulled her back to him, holding her back against his chest. He whispered into the nape of her neck, "You don't deserve me you stupid whore. I only married you because you were pregnant, and I knew you'd be easy to control."
Jess choked as the tears fell, "No, you don't mean that, you don't."
"Don't I?" Dan questioned with a sneer, pushing her forward until she was on all fours on the floor. He used his foot to knock her over onto her back. She was too tired to fight him back now. She moaned in pain as his foot slammed onto her stomach for the first time, but after the third time it just became a dull throbbing. Dan had raised his foot, ready to stamp on her again when there was a knocking on the door. Dan's eyes widened in fear as he looked towards the door. Before he could move, someone was peering through the letterbox, their eyes widening as they took in the scene before them.
Jess groggily turned her head so she could see what had made Dan stop. She followed his line of sight to the door, and silently thanked whoever it was that had knocked and interrupted him. She recognised the intense brown eyes that were no longer looking through the letterbox. Where had they gone? She wasn't really sure. Maybe they weren't there in the first place. She didn't know. She felt a bit like she was floating and falling, over and over again. She realised that the constant pounding to her stomach had stopped and tried to roll onto her side, moaning in pain as she got into the fetal position. She looked to where Dan was quickly tidying the hall, as if he thought that would magically erase what had just been witnessed. He had just placed the table upright when the door exploded off its hinges.
Callum braced himself on the railing before swinging his foot up to collide with the front door, for the second time in three months. With a sick feeling he realised that this was exactly what Dan had been doing to his wife before Callum had interrupted them. Callum had only gone round to make sure Jess had got home alright and see if she was ok after everything that had happened. The door finally buckled under his weight, and he rushed forward into the hall to where Jess was lying on the floor on her side. Her green eyes were unfocused as she took him in. She smiled weakly.
"Hi." she murmured, her eyes sliding in and out of focus.
"Jess? Can you hear me ok?" he asked her frantically.
"I'm not deaf Callum." Jess said with a weak laugh.
"Where's Dan?" Callum asked, trying to keep his voice steady.
Jess ignored the question, instead pressing her face into the coolness of the floor, trying to surpress the nausea from the pain. She heard Callum walk away from her into the living room, and then there was a big thud, a crash, and he was back.
"What did you just do?" she asked him, slowly looking up at him.
"I just knocked your husband out before I cuffed him. Self defense of course." Callum said matter of factly.
"What?! Callum for God sake, he's my husband, you can't just go around hitting him!" Jess reprimanded, wincing at the pain that was getting worse.
"Jess, he's your husband, he can't just go around hitting you." Callum said sarcastically, repeating Jess' words. "We need to get you to the hospital, but I'm dropping him off at the cells first."
"No Callum." Jess said seriously, another moan slipping past her lips as she slowly tried to sit up.
"I am not ignoring what just happened. You can carry on being ignorant if you want, but I'm not. Come on, I'll carry you to my car and then call this in." Callum said, ignoring Jess' protests as he gently lifted her off the floor and carried her out the house to the car. He balanced her on his knee while he opened the car door with one hand, sliding her on to the back seat so she was reclined. She whimpered in pain as he pulled his arms free. He gently pulled her top up, immediately feeling sick. Her stomach was worse than it had been last time. There was numerous imprints of Dan's trainer on her stomach, hideously clear. The area was red and angry looking, and it already appeared to be swollen. Jess raised her head off the seat trying to look.
"Oh my god." she whispered. She didn't think she had ever seen bruises as vivid and angry looking as this one was. She pulled her top up further, leaning on her elbows. A tear fell onto the seat and she let her top fall back into place.
"I'll be back in a minute." Callum promised. He shut the car door and pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Smithy? Yeah, it's Callum. I need a squad car and an ambulance down to PC Waite's address ASAP. I'll explain when you get here. Bye."
"Callum?" Jess said out of the window. Callum turned and came closer.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Thanks."
Fifteen minutes later a squad car pulled up outside Jess' house, quickly followed by an ambulance. Out of the squad car came Sally and Smithy. Callum got out of the car to meet them, and Jess watched them talking through the window of the car. She saw Callum gesturing, and watched as Sally's face turned to horror and Smithy's disgust. Smithy said something to Sally, who then came up to Callum's car while both him and Callum went into Jess' house. Sally opened the door to the back seat, and scooted onto the empty bit of seat, watching as the paramedics made their way over with their bags, being directed by Callum.
"Are you ok?" Sally asked, concern on her face, "Sorry, thats probably a really stupid question, you're clearly not ok."
Jess started to nod, and then stopped, "No I'm not ok."
"Sergeant Stone told us what happened. Are you going to give a statement?" Sally questioned.
"I really don't know Sal. I just don't know what to do." Jess said. She was in two minds of what to do: she could report Dan and have him out of her life; or she could take him back. Again.
"Jess, this is getting more and more frequent and more and more violent. You need to do something about it." Sally pressed.
"It's easy for you to say. I've been with him for years, I had a child with him. I know what to expect from him." Jess said.
"Like being beaten up?" Sally questioned, her eyebrows raised.
"Please. I don't want to talk any more, not yet." Jess said, leaning back on the seat and shutting her eyes, her hands gently resting on her swollen stomach.
"Hiya my love, shall we get you into the ambulance and have a look at you? Do you think you can walk?" a friendly paramedic asked, poking their head in the passenger door.
"I'll help you. Come on, I'll open the door on the other side then it's a shorter walk." Sally said, getting out of the car and walking around. She helped Jess out of the car, supporting her to the ambulance, closely followed by the paramedics. They got her onto the bed and Sally sat in the chair opposite the bed, holding Jess' hand as the paramedics started taking observations.
"What happened then sweetheart?" Dixie asked.
"Her husband beat her up. According to my Sergeant she was kicked numerous times on the stomach and was semi conscious when he entered the property. There was no visible bleeding or other injuries." Sally reported, holding Jess' gaze as an oxygen mask was slipped over her face.
Dixie nodded, glancing at Jeff, "Ok then my darling. Listen, I'm just going to put a little tube in your hand so we can give you some fluids and strong painkillers. Are you ok if I look at your stomach?" Jess nodded. Dixie gently pulled up Jess' top and Sally gasped.
"Oh Jess." Sally whispered, squeezing Jess' hand tight as she took in the very clear shoe marks on Jess' stomach. Tears slipped down Jess' face as she shut her eyes, the pain becoming overwhelming. After a few minutes, whatever pain relief had been given through her hand was starting to take effect. She could hear shouting from outside the ambulance, and she peered out the window to see Dan being manhandled out her house and into the waiting squad car. She looked away, not wanting to see the fear on Dan's face anymore.
"Do you want me to come with you to the hospital?" Sally asked. Jess shook her head, pulling the oxygen mask down.
"No, go with them and make sure everything is done properly, please." Jess asked, her words quiet. Sally nodded, gave Jess a gentle hug and exited the ambulance. She got into the squad car with Smithy and they drove off to the station to book Dan.
Callum appeared in the ambulance then, "Jess?"
She opened her eyes slowly, they were so heavy with tiredness and drugs, "Mmm?"
"Smithy and Sal have taken him to the station. I'm going to go and give my statement then I'll be straight over with you at the hospital ok?" Callum said, resting a hand on Jess' leg.
"Sure. Thank you Callum." Jess said softly.
"Please don't thank me for that. We should have got you out of there months ago. Hang tight, I'll be back with you soon ok? Thanks guys, take care of her." Callum said, the last sentence aimed at the paramedics.
"Don't you worry, only the best for our brothers and sisters in blue." Jeff said with a grin, clapping Callum on the shoulder as he jumped out the back of the ambulance. Callum turned, one last look at Jess before the ambulance door's shut.
Jess was sat back in the soft interview room later that evening, the Inspector sat next to her with some papers on the table in front of them.
"What did the doctors say?" Gina asked.
Jess gripped the mug of coffee in her hands, feeling the warmth, "They ran a load of tests and did a load of scans which were all fine. He said he has no idea how I got away without any internal injuries. There's obviously a lot of bruises that will be there for a while, and a lot of swelling, and that I'm probably going to be in a lot of pain for the next week or two. They discharged me with some strong pain relief and strict instructions to go back if anything changes." she repeated dully. She was so tired. She hadn't slept properly since the following day, before she went on the undercover op.
"Did they discharge you though? As that's not the facts that I was told. I was told that they wanted to keep you overnight for observation and possibly some more tests and that you declined." Gina asked, raising an eyebrow. Jess gave her a sideways glance, saying nothing. "Well I guess no internal injuries and bleeding is good, but it sounds like it was pure luck. Callum's statement is damning Jess. He cannot get away with this again. This is your second hospital admission thanks to him in four months. Please consider giving your statement. Although as you know, Callum's statement is potentially enough to take it to the CPS. And he can kiss goodbye to his job." Gina said.
"You're going to lock Dan up?" Jess asked, her hands suddenly feeling cold.
Gina looked confused, "Yes of course we are. Look what he did to you! What he keeps doing to you!"
"I'm used to it, it doesn't matter. I just want him to come back home to me. This does not need to go through the system. Plus without my statement it won't have as much weight with the CPS. And we all know how many DV cases actually go to trial, let alone get a conviction. It really isn't worth it." Jess said quickly, almost in a pleading voice.
Gina shook her head, "No Jess, he won't be coming home. We will be pushing this through, with or without your statement."
"But...but when he's on trial I'll deny it all and so will he, and Callum will look like a fool. It won't even get to trial, Dan works in the CPS, they're not going to try one of their own, it won't look good for them! Please you don't understand,I need Dan! He's my last part of Luke." Jess said, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world.
"You're deluded." Gina said simply.
"Excuse me?" Jess snapped.
"Ever since your son died, you've been clinging onto Dan like he's your oxygen. But he's poisonous, he has you exactly where he wants you. You need to get away from him. Come on Jess, you've seen this time and time again. You've been sitting where I'm sitting, trying to talk the victims down, to get them to find that strength to go for conviction" Gina said, trying to get through to Jess.
"No no no no no. You are so wrong! You don't know him like I do! You really don't. I need to see him now, let me see him." Jess said, panic rising as she slowly got to her feet, holding her stomach, the coffee forgotten. She ran to the door of the interview room as quick as the pain would allow her, nearly colliding with Callum who was coming in.
"Whoa, what's the rush?" he asked, stepping into the room. Jess nipped around him and down to the cells.
"Callum stop her, she's trying to get to the cells. I don't know what's got into her!" Gina said, pointing at where Jess had just gone. Callum ran after her, carefully pulling her away from the gate which separated the cells from the rest of custody.
"No! No, let me see him! Get off me!" Jess cried. In his cell, Dan heard his wife. He ran to the cell door, thumping on it as hard as he could.
"Jess? Jess is that you! Jess I'm so sorry!" he yelled through the door. Jess heard every word of it and struggled violently against Callum.
"Get off me!" she screamed. Callum forcibly dragged her away, pinning her arms to her sides.
"I am sick of turning a blind eye to what he's doing to you. It's affecting your work, and if it carries on you'll be a liability to yourself and fellow officers. He will kill you. Look what you nearly did on the Russian roulette op! You need to see the effect of the grief of losing your son and the pain of your husband beating you. You need to not be the victim." Gina said sternly.
"Are you suspending me?" Jess asked quietly, horrified.
"No, I'm strongly suggesting you take some leave to recover from your injuries." Gina replied, her arms crossed.
"But I need to work, I need to forget! I love my job." Jess cried.
"If you loved your job you would value it more than your husband. And you don't." Gina pointed out.
"Ma'am, you don't unde..." Jess started before being interrupted.
"I know, you keep saying that we don't understand. Why not help us to understand then? Or go to Dr Brennan, he'll understand. But please don't shut yourself away, don't be dependent on Dan any longer. Do you know how hard it is to watch a good officer self-destruct and not be able to do anything about it?" Gina asked.
"No ma'am." Jess said quietly.
"I didn't think so. Now Dan is staying in the cells overnight while we process everything, and I've booked an appointment for you with Dr Brennan for tomorrow. You can do it without him Jess." Gina promised.
Jess was silent as Callum let go of her. She looked back towards the cells where Dan was held. Callum stepped in front of her view, blocking the cells. "I don't know how to do it without him in." she said quietly.
Gina stepped forward, placing her hands gently on Jess' shoulders. "You are not alone Jess, we are here for you. Let us help you, let us get your life back to how you want it. Nothing will bring Luke back, but staying with Dan just because he's part of Luke is not good enough, not when he's slowly killing you."
Jess hesitantly allowed her mind to wander. A new start. That's what she needed. One without Dan, without the beatings. She could try it, try and do what she told countless other victims of DV to do. She didn't want to be a victim anymore, she wanted to prove that she could do it, so she could show others in her situation that it is possible. Jess allowed herself to slowly smile, and dared dream.