Unable to see. Unable to stop thinking. Laying in silence for who knew how long. Only the A/C made any noise which made it feel colder than it should've been. The gauze over my eyes got heavy with tears. Maybe blood too. At some point, I cried myself to sleep. How childish. The dampness of the gauze was a mocking reminder of that. My chest hurt from how intense I freaked out during that melt down. Actually, every muscle in my body felt exhausted from it. I never knew I could break down like that. Would all that crying make my 'small procedure' not heal right?
As I laid in a somewhat comfy bed, I wondered what time it was. Even if my eyes weren't covered, there weren't any windows to the outside or a clock I could see. How long was I asleep? Was anyone here? Would I go back to the dorm eventually? Could I take the gauze off? So many questions riddled my mind. Thinking in circles as time ticked by at an unknown pace. I didn't know if it was better or worse if someone was here on the other side of that glass. How long would they be watching? How long were they there? Did they see me fall apart? I wanted to wait here in silence so I wouldn't have to find out what else they planned to do... but I was thirsty.
"... hello?" My voice came out all scratchy and weak. I wanted to tell myself it wasn't mine. Over an intercom, a voice replied. Tired, maybe angry. "Did you need something?" Matsuda. Ugh, not him. I didn't want to deal with his bitchy attitude. Guess I have no choice. "Water." A bit less weak sounding. "No problem. I'll get you some breakfast too. Give me a minute." I didn't even think about food. The shock of it all made me forget something so basic, so human. I sat up, thinking again. Breakfast. So the next morning? There was a chance he was just calling it that since I woke up and he's the sarcastic type. My body suddenly became aware of how hungry it was. I thought about Mom's cooking. Her morning talks with me as we ate felt like such a distant memory. Why? That was only 2 days ago, I think. Unless I've been asleep for days. Weeks. God, I hope not.
As the silent seconds ticked by, I wondered if this was worth it. What else would they do? If they were willing to do that so soon, what's the limit? Was there one? I shook my head to stop myself. No. No, this was worth it! It had to be. That person everyone wanted me to be, the person I dreamt of becoming, was right there just waiting. I've come this far. I just had to endure it. Who knows? Maybe the worst was over. Might've been too late to go back anyway. Every second of that torture would be worth the look on her face. Wait... Who's face? Hold on, there's some girl. I remember some girl I wanted to impress and not just Mom. Why can't I remember her name? God, what's wrong with me? Did that 'procedure' screw with my memory or am I just so hungry that my brain stopped working?
The door opened and shut. Silently, Matsuda set whatever he brought down beside me. "... thanks." I said after a second. Before I could reach for anything, he started talking. I braced myself for more of that attitude. "Let's take the gauze off first." His tone threw me off. I couldn't place why. Still blunt sounding, but not so aggressive. An unwarned snip by my temple. He unwrapped my eyes. I caught a glimpse at the gauze. I wasn't sure what surprised me more: my eyes still working or that there wasn't any blood. "The swelling will go down soon. A couple days at the latest." He threw away the tear soaked wrappings. Did he see that meltdown and decided to treat me with pity? That would be even worse! I looked over at the trolley beside me. Rice, omelette, soup, and water. Nothing special really, yet my mind told me this would be the best breakfast in my life. With a quiet formality, I started eating. The mind was right, it tasted like heaven. Pure heaven.
Matsuda quietly sat in a chair at the foot of my bed. Almost amazed by how starved I acted. I wouldn't have noticed him watching at all if he hadn't gave a little laugh. "Woah, Hinata. Sleeping for 20 hours will do that to you, I guess." 20 hours?! Wait, so what time was it? Were the others here? I only nod as a reply. Unsure what to think. "Next time you need water, there's a water cooler in the bathroom right here." For some reason, he seemed awkward, like he hid behind his serious face and tone. That made me want to yell at him for suddenly not being a dick and to stop treating me with fake sympathy. "...thanks. Didn't even know that was there." I reply after finishing the last of my water and moving on to the last of the meal. How did I miss that door yesterday? Guess the nerves.
There was a strange silence between us for a moment. Did he want to say something? Didn't think he'd be the type to not say whatever was on his mind. Sick of the secrets and beating around the bush here. It only made my resentment get deeper. What all were these people keeping from me? Ugh, sick of being in the dark. He kept staring at me. Before I could ask him what his problem was, he glanced at his watch. Long enough for me to see that it was a bit later than 7:00 am. "Did you know that was going to happen?" Matsuda asked while looking at the one way glass. The question surprised me. Was I supposed to have known? "No. They didn't tell me anything. Only that I'd get talent and wouldn't have to pay tuition anymore." I didn't see a point in lying. I stack up the dishes as I answered. Leaving them on that trolley.
Matsuda leaned over, his elbows on his knees, sighing as he moved. A hand over his mouth, he stared at the tiled ground for a moment. As if he was contemplating something. "...that's fucked up." The words came out without him looking at me. What a perfect way to describe it. "The committee told me you knew and agreed to everything. Old lying geezers could get their asses sued for this. If you want out, I can-" I quickly cut him off. "No!" Surprised by my own outburst, I take a breath. "I can't give up now. I need to do this, Matsuda. No other option. If I don't, all this would be for nothing. I can't keep going like before." My swollen eyes glued onto him. A split second of surprise flashed over his face. He finally returned my gaze as I spoke. The expression he gave me showed that he didn't fully understand it. "Why? There's nothing wrong with being a normal person." He talked like someone else. Someone I knew once. Who?
I shook my head. How could he understand? Not like I really expected him to anyway. "You don't get it. You couldn't. You're a goddamn teenage neurologist! I've tried so many-" I cut myself off. Matsuda didn't have to hear this. No one should. I forced my body to relax from the emotional tension, staring down at my hands. "Look, I can't go back now. I can't disappoint anyone else. I don't want to do this. I wouldn't have signed up for this shit if I knew I'd be confused and uninformed the whole time with unmedicated procedures or whatever... Even so, the idea of giving up this opportunity, I'd never forgive myself." I glared up at him with a fire. He reacted with an intrigued light behind those grey, usually expressionless eyes. Like he couldn't believe my response.
"I knew in the middle of that lobotomy, you didn't expect it. I don't like breaking men down like that. I wouldn't have agreed to this either if I knew you were in the dark." The neurologist's voice was genuine. His expression still serious. Would that ever change? Hm. Lobotomy, huh? Thought those were just in movies nowadays. "Listen, I'll give it to you straight. For the next week, we're supposed to test how the lobotomy worked. See if your memory, emotions, patience, and personality are still there. Seeing that we're having this conversation, the other one next week will go through." I thought about it for a minute. Fuck, another one? What was this even doing? Obviously I knew the goal, or at least I think I did, but this didn't seem right. I debated on how that would go in my head. If I expect it, did it make it better or worse? If I knew about it, I would've thought about it for weeks. Although, not knowing has pure hell. "That's all this is? They're gonna be poking around my brain until I'm talented?"
Matsuda sat up as he pulled on his uneven tie. A nervous quirk, I guess. His gaze didn't leave me, although it now felt more observing than intrigued. "Can you handle that, Hinata? It won't be through the eyes, but with an incision. You'll be knocked out." He dragged his finger across his forehead, showing where the cut would be. The way he sounded came out almost like he cared about me. Whether it be my loneliness or him being the only option of someone to talk to, I chose to believe he meant it. At least right now. I decided after a bit of rethinking, that there was no other choice. They already started. Would I be able to return to normal if I left now? I had to keep going! With a determined smile, I nodded. "I can handle it. At least I'll be knocked out."
Finally, my voice sounded like my own. That solidified that I really needed to keep going. "...If it means that much to you, I won't force you to stop going through with it. Crazy motherfucker." He glanced down at his watch again, at the glass, then back to me. Oh, I get it. He expected the steering committee to show up soon. "Maybe you'll get some girls with a scar like that, huh?" He gave a small, almost unnoticeable chuckle. Couldn't help myself from bursting out in laughter. "Seriously, is that your attempt at a joke?" Lightheartedness dissolved some of the tension. Even if it was a bad attempt at comedy, it succeeded at that.
"Truthfully, as a scientist, this experiment is something I wouldn't want to pass the opportunity for either." Matsuda pulled his fingers through his messy black hair, gave me a blink-and-you-miss-it smile, then looked back at the glass. "We never had this conversation." His pale hands collect the dishes. His pace quick as he went back to the observation room. As a scientist, huh? If this whole thing taught me anything, it was that sciencists are absolutely insane. Guess the mad scientist trope existed for a reason. I get up to use the bathroom. The bathroom door was in the corner by the door to the observation room. Pastel pink tiled floors and white walls. What's with this place and pastels? Weirdly enough, the bathroom was nice! Big bathtub, spacious shower area, huge cabinet, and of course the water cooler by the tub. I looked into the cabinet. Fully stocked with soaps, toiletries, the works.
Refilling the glass he left behind, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror over the sink. Jesus Christ, my eyes were black! Looked like I seriously lost a fight... Ugh, well, guess that's what it took. I looked like a complete idiot. I knew they were swollen, but not like this. After finishing up, I went back into the main room. Matsuda was there with a member of the committee. They all run together at some point, yet I recognized him more than his friends. Clipboards in hand, they turned to me as I walked in. "Good morning! Get enough sleep?" The old man greeted me like any other person. I thought about how to respond, suddenly embarrassed again about both my face and the crying myself to sleep. God, the embarrassment made me want to rip off my skin. I never cried harder than that in my entire life. Didn't what anyone to see that. Forcing a smile, I fought back all these emotions. Seeing the face of the man who walked me here made me want to hurt him. He was the one who offered me this in the first place. I knew that hurting him now would only backfire.
"I slept good! H-"
"Great! We need to ask you some questions and you answer them as accurate as you can. If you can't remember, just say you don't remember. Got it?" Getting cut off by the man as he motioned for me to sit down, I thought about how these people really were completely different than they were when they first purposed this. I sat down in the chair he motioned to. "Let's do it." I responded happily, like nothing horrific happened. If I force myself into not thinking this wasn't so bad, would I eventually believe it?
"What's your name?"
"Hajime Hinata."
"When is your birthday?"
"January 1st."
"Do you know where you are?"
"Hope's Peak."
"Do you have any siblings?"
"No."
"What's your father's first name?"
That last question had me stunned. I knew this! I should remember since Mom used it so much. "...I don't know." Matsuda scribbled something down. The committee man ticked off boxes this whole time. "Your mother's first name?" I thought for a moment. I wasn't sure. "I think it was Mayumi." Another tick in an unknown category. Wait, maybe that was the girl's name I was trying to remember earlier. "Do you know what date it is?" How many questions were there? I had to think about it. No idea. "Summer 2009." Not good enough! The date, dumbass, not the season. "I'm not sure. It's hard to tell in here." I tried to joke. No one reacted. How could I forget that? It would be one thing to forget or not know the day, but I couldn't even get the month!?
"This one is a bit of an open ended one. How did you end up here at Hope's peak?" I thought about it for a moment. "...My grandpa encouraged me to after I told him it was a great school. I always wanted to be here since I was a kid. Thought the only best people in the world could go, super talented people. The reserve course happened and now I'm here." Even after all the words left my mouth, I felt like something was missing from my story. Something important. A sentiment, a moment, anything, but what? I could only look at the ground wondering what it was. Nothing rung a bell. Why was I forgetting something like that? Was this supposed to happen? I didn't care about forgetting myself, but forgetting family? No. That wasn't-
"That's it for the questions. Now, Matsuda here will get some physical tests and we'll go from there." The committee member gave a customer service like smile. My eyes bounce up at him, thinking about what to do. "How's it looking for the goal?" I purpose the question like a business deal. For some reason, I thought it was best. An indirect way of asking if my memory was how they wanted. With brief look over my body and extra attention on my face, he scribbles something down before answering. "At this rate, it's going perfectly." I bitterly grinned so big that I couldn't see. Not that it was too hard to blind me with the swelling. The man left before I could give a verbal response.
Going perfectly. Everything is going perfectly!? Are you fucking kidding me? I went through all this to make my family proud and I couldn't remember them? What kind of sick, twisted punishment was this? My smile turned into a laughter. These conflicted feelings in my chest came out in a laugh I didn't plan to release. This was just great. I was becoming what I wanted, but my memory wasn't working. I didn't know how to process that. Was I lying to myself saying this was worth it? If I left now, could this be reversed? Oh God, I'm fucked. Still cackling, I rest my forehead on the shut door. Turning the knob subconsciously. Locked. That only made the cackling worse. Great. Automatic lock. I didn't even notice! I hit my head on the door as I get louder. A warm hand roughly grabbed my shoulder to pull me away from it. Still blinded by my expression, I didn't stop laughing.
"Get ahold of yourself!" Matsuda tried to lay me down. I swayed a bit as the movement of my laughing got continuously more extreme, still wearing the same expression. My sides started hurting. Matsuda kept trying to get me in place and start hooking me up to the monitor again. I couldn't calm down enough to comply completely. "I... can't remember. What did you do to me?" I knew Matsuda didn't plan this. That didn't stop or reason with me at that moment. "Don't act up, boy. Do you know how many students would kill for an opportunity like this?" An old voice came through the intercom. Oh great, I needed to stop or I would lose it. "I'm going...! It's just... so funny, you know?" Unable to stop. Finally, Matsuda laid me down. Offering pills and water to stop me fully. He told me to breathe. That's what finally got me to stop and not make it any worse.