Blurry days passed by. All of them felt the same, although it more accurately felt like I relived the same few scenes over and over again in some dream I couldn't wake up from. Mind fog made it hard to tell if I imagined moments being so similar or not. Quick talks in the morning and routines of testing. Medical, verbal, written, physical, every kind of test, you name it. I knew my memory was getting worse. The only reason I remembered these things was by checking a notebook I found in a cabinet. Everyday I would sneak it to the bathroom under my robe and write what happened that day. Random things I remembered, stuff Matsuda said before the committee showed up, and, most importantly, how many days left until the 'big surgery'. Without writing all this down, I'd forget about that terrifying thing entirely. Yeah, my memory got that bad that fast. Disorienting. That's the best word for it.
Early morning talks with Matsuda while eating was definitely the closest thing to companionship here. Those old, fake bastards meant nothing to me. Only fair when I meant nothing to them. No matter how bad my memory got, it would be unquestionably impossible to forget the loathing I felt for those 'people'. At times, I would forget why exactly, but the feelings remained. I had to remind myself in written form that I should behave in front of them. Matsuda also reminded me of that whenever I get confused and want to lash out. According to the writings, we mainly talked about random interests and how funny it is that we're so similar yet so different. Although, I always forget the exact words by the time I can write it down. He tried. I would have no idea what time it was without him. The 'adults' of the situation wouldn't even tell me the date if I asked.
Judging by how I woke up naturally, it wasn't long before he'd show up with food or preparations. Quickly, I hide in the bathroom to reread everything. Making sure I didn't misremember what day it was. Flipping to yesterday's page, the number stood out at me. Almost like it yelled across the page in that black smudged ink. '1 day until surgery' boldly written across the top. Underlined. That's what I thought. I started at the begining. Just to see if I recalled any of the little parts.
Day 1: Big surgery in 6 days! Matsuda said after this, I'll be completely gone. No memories or anything. According to him, there's no way they'll push it back or cancel it. I worry it won't work and that'll be a different problem completely, but he insists he knows what he's doing. We talked about some movies with lobotomies in them. He said they usually aren't accurate. They tested my memory with chess and memory cards. I think I just suck at those. Then I got a science packet. Mostly biology questions. I used to be decent at science. They never told me my score. Remember not to act up around them! I got visibly annoyed when they didn't answer something, they didn't like that.
Day 2: 5 days! I asked Matsuda how he became a neurologist. He got kinda mad then gave with a vague answer. "Been into learning about it since I was a kid. Now stop asking questions about that." Don't ask him again!! He calmed down after a minute of silence. I played sudoku as a test today. I don't think I did very good. Medically, they say I naturally heal pretty quick, but not enough to be a talent. Would that be a talent or just a quirk?
Day 3: 4 days! Matsuda couldn't meet with me for as long in the morning. Running late. I asked how it could take him that long in the morning with his flip flops and overall half assed appearance. He didn't find it funny, but seriously look at him! They tested my memory with a packet of basic questions about myself. Familiar somehow. Don't know how'd they know anyway. Matsuda stopped me from asking.
Day 4: 3 days until surgery! Matsuda said those questions were familiar yesterday because they made me fill out a packet like that before we started anything. Don't remember that. I wanna read the original one. He said he would have to find it. Ironically, I already forgot what memory test I did today. I stayed in the shower for a really long time earlier since I got pissed that one of those old fuckers smiled really big at me. Said I was "coming right along" after looking over some chart. Pretty sure he thinks I'm really stupid. I'd be happy about the comment if the look in his eyes wasn't so gross. Had to walk away somehow. This'll be worth it!!! Don't give up!
Day 5: 2 days until surgery! I remembered something! I remembered my mom helping me pack my things. She kept saying she'll miss me and to call her whenever I can. I couldn't remember her number. I told Matsuda about it. He just apologized. I asked where my cell phone was, he didn't know. I started freaking out because I couldn't remember what she looked like or why I was packing. How long ago was that? The test was repeating a spoken sequence, then a packet over history. I asked an old man if I could call Mom. They didn't give a straight answer.
Day 6: 1 day until surgery! Matsuda opened up to me about his girlfriend. Said she's some model and showed me a picture of a gyaru. I called him out for lying. Not sure if he was kidding or testing to see how stupid I am. Seriously, everyone here treats me like a lost kid or something. Gave me some cliche story about childhood friends too. I don't remember any of mine. They tested me with a math test. Not sure how I did.
Closing the book, I took a second to process it. Would any of that matter after this was all said and done? Would any of it make sense to me when I'm talented? Everything felt foggy and distorted. Just standing here felt unreal, like I could wake up at any second. I hoped it would stop before long and that Matsuda was right when he assured he knew what he was doing. Hiding the notebook in my robe again, I went back to the room. Matsuda stood by the cabinets. Apparently not noticing me, he filled a small syringe with a clear liquid. Had to act neutral in case the men were here already. Hard to know how long I stayed in there. "When's it starting?" Without turning to me, he replied: "Soon. They get here in 15 minutes." I nodded.
Taking a deep breath, I forced my body to relax. A tiny, beaten voice in my soul told me that I should be upset or at least resistant towards this. That I should leave. Of course, I didn't let myself. How could I? Even if I let those emotions take control, I became too weak to act on them. Too exhausted. He placed the syringe down. We didn't speak. The silence being piercingly loud; enough to speak for both of us. These feelings welling in my chest were unforgettable. Despite everything, I remembered those conflicting emotions tumbling in my core. Pretty sure they were strong enough that the room would forever be cursed by them. Without needing to, he started a conversation.
"They don't know about the notebook. Give it to me so they don't find it." Matsuda's tired tone immediately resonated, yet the words surprised me. "Wait, how do you know about it?" I tighten my robe, I jumped to the conclusion that it poked out or something. The sharp edges of the book dug at my stomach. "I was the one that gave it to you, dumbass. You think someone accidentally left it there with a pen and everything?" Well, guess that made sense. Sighing at myself for not being able to read it anymore and forgetting to write that down if I knew, I sheepishly handed it to him. He slid it in a cabinet drawer. No hesitation as if that was it's designated spot. I stared at that drawer. Did I ever look in all these cabinets? I had to at some point, right?
"Matsuda... When this is all over, can you give it back to me?" My tone carried the same tiredness his did. No judgement from either side on that. The fellow teenager looked at me, stopping his preparations as he did, before a response. "Yeah. I'll also get a copy of those questions you answered before all this... You deserve to remember who you really are." He took a glance at his watch. Shouldn't be long before those men show up. "Thank you, really, for everything." I gave a weak smile at him. He doesn't smile back. Instead, he flashed a quick worried look. I couldn't tell why. Maybe my weakness showed through my voice more than I meant. "...yeah. No problem." The words came out quietly, as if he was embarrassed or anxious behind that mask. "Good morning, gentlemen! Are you ready for another procedure?" An aged voice greeted through the intercom. We both faced the window with a thumbs up. Too drained to return a formal greeting.
Without another word, I headed over to the bed. My heart pounded heavily as a reminder that I was still alive. My breath slowed down. As I laid there, my soul stopped yelling. A strange peacefulness I've never experienced washed over me as soon as my body relaxed. Matsuda attached some cords to my face as some woman came in. A familiar one. The peace never subsided as she got to work. An IV in the arm didn't stop this feeling either, despite the woman missing my vein a couple times. Is this how people feel before they die? The best way I could explain this feeling would be acceptance. Accepting my end like it was capital punishment instead of an opportunity. Guess this was some cruel punishment for not being enough. At this moment, I wasn't scared anymore. Self hatred, anger, loneliness, confusion; None of it mattered anymore. Only this warmth did.
I could feel myself falling asleep. Grabbing Matsuda's arm as he finished hooking me up to a monitor, I stared up at him. Tears I didn't feel well up boiled over onto my face. A smile crept in. I could sense myself slipping into the medicine. I wanted him to know something before this ended. "...I'll miss you." I meant it. After the saying came out, I wondered if it'd get him in trouble somehow. As if any kind of companionship with me was disgusting or not allowed. He responded by using his free hand to hold mine as it stayed on his arm. Nodding, he said something, but I fell asleep before I could hear it.