Chapter 50: First Blood Trauma
I awoke in the middle of the night to a faint scuffling and whimpering. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust, but the source of the disturbance became obvious. The cat from the neighboring nest was having a nightmare. Being the kind cat that I am, I knew I had to help, after all it was Fireheart. Unfortunately, I couldn't extricate myself very easily with Ravenfeather on top of me. I tried to wriggle myself free, unfortunately waking my mate.
"What's up Smudgefoot?" He asked, still in that semi drunk sleepiness.
"Go ahead and lay back down. Fireheart is having a nightmare. I'll deal with it." I calmly mewed.
It took a moment for Ravenfeather to accept my words, but soon he snuggled back into the warmth of where I once laid. Meanwhile, I made my way over to where Fireheart still struggled with his dream. I prodded him.
"Fireheart. Fireheart. Wake up." I softly called. Unfortunately, that did not seem to wake him. "Fireheart. You're dreaming. Fireheart… Rusty!"
Fireheart woke at his old name, panting heavily and glancing around like he was under threat of attack. Right now he wasn't fully awake, and since his old name was so effective, I chose to call him that again.
"Rusty. It's me. It's Smudge." I mewed reassuringly.
"Smudge? What… Where?" Was what my panicked friend meowed before realizing where he was.
"Calm down. It was just a dream. I'm here, and I'll keep you safe." I mothered.
"I… I didn't mean to wake you up. Sorry." He apologized.
"Don't apologize for bothering me. I'm here for you whenever you need it. Let's go outside and get some air." I guided.
Fireheart followed me out of the den into the clear and slightly chilly night air. I led him to the center of the camp and we just stared at the stars for a bit. I waited for Fireheart's heart to stop racing. Soon his fur calmed from its panicked spike. The cold air must have been getting to him since he leaned into me.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I softly asked.
It took some time for Fireheart to respond. "I just keep seeing him, those cold dead eyes filled with fear. I did that to him. He may have been our enemy, but…" He trailed off.
"That was your first blood." I stated matter of factly.
"I've killed prey and fought before but I've never killed a cat." He sobbed.
I used my tail to guide Fireheart into looking me in the eyes. "Fireheart. You did the right thing. Clawface wasn't going to just stop with you. He was a threat that wouldn't be driven off. You didn't have a choice. In a way, I think you helped him. You sent him off to wherever he's going next while he was doing what he loved most."
Fireheart took a moment to groom away his tears and mull on my words before asking, "what do you mean by wherever he goes next?"
Realizing this was a chance to get Fireheart off his dark thoughts, I took the opportunity. "I never did explain my own beliefs, did I? Well, I believe the soul is something indestructible and unyielding. Since it is so strong, it won't just disappear. Instead, it is recycled and put to use again. The soul may not remember, but the soul is given a new life, a reincarnation. This is why I pray for those who died, enemy or friend. I wish them well on their next life."
Fireheart let out a chuckle before responding, "It sounds like you don't believe in Starclan."
"Oh, I know they're real, but I know I'd never be content staying in one place for eternity. My belief is when a cat is done with Starclan, they move on to their next life." I answered.
"And what makes you so sure of this belief?" Fireheart teased, thinking I was just making light of what was bugging him.
"Because I remember my last one." I replied, stunning the tom to silence.
After a moment, Fireheart managed to squeak out a "What?"
"I remember my last life, and I wasn't a cat either. I know all about what you're going through because I've done similar, but I had less of an excuse. I've killed before. I killed a lot. Please don't think poorly of me for it, but that was what I did. I was good at it, so good others sought me out to kill for them. It was something I grew numb to, but I still remember my first." I mewed carefully.
A slight hint of movement caught my eye. Bluestar was faintly visible from atop her ledge, clearly having listened in to what I said so far.
"What… What was your first kill like?" Fireheart asked.
"It was very different from yours. I snuck into my target's home and slit their throat while they slept. They never even had the time to realize they were dying. Despite how calm that sounds, I remember it distinctly. I remembered the waning crescent moon outside their window filling their room with a mixture of washed out whites and long black shadows breaking up the light. The blood looked more black than red under that light, giving off a very distinct smell of iron. It was so quiet. There just wasn't a single sound. It felt wrong. It felt too easy. I had just quashed out a life, and it had been easy."
I took a second to steady my own breathing. "That's what scared me the most. To think all that we are could be taken away so easily… I couldn't sleep after that. I didn't fear retribution for what I did. The one I killed was a loner that's death was even celebrated, but that didn't stop the fear. I didn't want to die. Threats seemed present around every corner. People were congratulating me, but every touch felt like another attempt on my life. I didn't have friends to fall back on. I didn't have a clan to support me. Instead, I chose the worst answer. I became cold. I didn't let myself feel, knowing that all I'd bottled up would come crashing back through. I became ruthlessly logical. It became all that I was. Soon, I felt nothing for killing or fear for myself. I'd neglected my own emotions to the point where all I had was the faint facsimile to emotions. I was everything I claim Tigerclaw to be, except possibly worse. In the end, I was betrayed by those who put me to work, my efforts not worth the possibility of stealing my name. I had an acquaintance, who died for me. In the end, all my efforts were for nothing. I died without a single thing of my own besides my name. Then I woke up here at the vet. Then I met you. You were everything I'd lost and then some. You saved me from walking the same path again, and I can never repay you enough."
I felt Fireheart nuzzle into me, uncaring of my past sins. Instead, he just clung to me harder. "I'm glad you're here with me too. I can't imagine my life without you."
I glanced over to witness Bluestar watching over us like a mother does her kits. I let the silence drag on, not wanting to say much more. Fireheart broke the silence.
"Then what should I do?" He asked.
"Keep being yourself. The fact that you're sad means you did more right than me. Don't try to forget him. It'll never work. Instead, strive to make yourself better. Walk the righteous path, and, if you want, pray for him that his next life be a better one." I answered.
Fireheart closed his eyes, clearly taking my advice to pray for the one he'd killed before standing. I followed him back into the warriors den. For once, like old times, Fireheart and I shared a nest since I didn't want to wake Ravenfeather. He didn't have another nightmare.