Chapter 63: Personal Desires pt2
(3rd Person Ravenfeather POV)
Ravenfeather silently watched as Smudgefoot left the camp for 'his day'. He walked with his tail held high, but Ravenfeather was not fooled there was a mechanical stiffness in Smudgefoot's movements that screamed he's acting. Ravenfeather's heart ached at the sight. He wanted to tell him that he forgave him, but could he really? He couldn't even bring himself to meet his mate's eyes. Somewhere in the back of his mind Ravenfeather always knew that Smudgefoot was this way and that he'd first met him just to benefit himself, but why did it hurt so much when Smudgefoot said it out loud? Why had he wanted Smudgefoot to lie to him, to say it was love at first sight?
By the time Ravenfeather finished pondering his thoughts, Smudgefoot was already gone. He'd missed the opportunity, and he hated himself for it. It was then that he noticed Ashpaw looking out at the tunnel where Smudgefoot just left.
"Where's Smudgefoot going?" The apprentice asked with a level of concern. Smudgefoot's emotional state hadn't escaped his eye either.
"He's taking a personal day. Come on. He asked me to train you today." Ravenfeather mewed gently. Ashpaw was still young. Ravenfeather believed he could teach the apprentice morality where Smudgefoot had failed.
Ravenfeather guided the apprentice out on a hunt. It was his turn to collect prey for Riverclan. As they hunted, Ravenfeather noted Ashpaw's keen instinct on stalking and ambushing. Only one piece of prey escaped the apprentice, and that was due to a wind shift. Soon they had a sizable pile accrued.
"Alright. We can set aside these ones for Riverclan." Ravenfeather mewed after moving aside three pieces of prey.
"Why?" Ashpaw mewed questioningly.
"Because it is the right thing to do." Ravenfeather dismissively answered.
"But why is it the right thing to do?" Ashpaw fired back.
Ravenfeather was slightly annoyed by Ashpaw's backtalk. "Because they are starving. They could die without it."
Ashpaw still seemed not to get it. "So?"
"So!" Ravenfeather growled before calming himself. "so, if you and Thunderclan were starving, would you want someone to help you?"
"Well, at least I wouldn't have us being a parasite." Ashpaw sassed in response.
"Parasite! We're talking about lives here! To call cats parasites… They'll die without us." Ravenfeather growled, slowly losing his cool.
"If it were Thunderclan in that position, we wouldn't take advantage of their kindness. We'd at least offer some kind of favor or reward for helping us. They're no different than ticks and mosquitos, stealing without giving, so parasites. That's what they are." Ashpaw growled back.
"Enough! You are out of line!" Ravenfeather yowled at the apprentice startling him.
The honest look of fear Ashpaw displayed shocked Ravenfeather out of his rage. Ashpaw looked like when Ravenfeather himself had been threatened by Tigerclaw. In concern, Ravenfeather tried to approach gently to try and undo what he'd just done. Ashpaw backed away with his fur raised. It was then that the apprentice said the three words that would become nightmares in his dreams to come.
"I hate you!" He spat with venom.
Ravenfeather stumbled back at the statement, unable to understand how someone could hate him. "What?" was all he could muster before the apprentice set in again with the verbal assault.
"I hate you! I hate how confusing you are! I hate how you think you're better than me! I hate how you talk down to me! I hate how you preach your morality with no backing. Most of all, I hate that Smudgefoot likes you, you parasite! You don't deserve him. Smudgefoot is an infinitely better teacher than you. He always tells me why we're doing something. If he doesn't, he explains afterwards. He tells me why I should care about things. He caters to my desires, teaching me how to get the things I want. The most important thing he taught me is mutual benefit. It is the correct way of life. Everything you do for another must benefit them, and in return they must benefit you, or else one is just being a mooching parasite. That's what you are." Ashpaw ranted vehemently before calming down slightly. He still shot Ravenfeather a hateful look before continuing.
"You hurt him. He does everything for you because he likes your presence, the attention you give him, and now you aren't paying your part. Even now, I'm still hunting for those Riverclan parasites because he asked me to do it for you. I'm going back to camp. Hopefully my real mentor will take me out tomorrow instead of you." Ashpaw growled with a turn, grabbing all the prey except the three Ravenfeather had set aside.
After Ashpaw left, Ravenfeather could feel tears streaming down his face. Had he really been abusing Smudgefoot's kindness? He could distinctly remember how Smudgefoot protected him, actively positioning himself between Tigerclaw and himself, sometimes even drawing his former mentor away with conversation. It was Smudgefoot who was working to remove Tigerclaw, not for his own sake, but because he scared Ravenfeather and was aggressive to Fireheart. How could he have been such a fool? He had to make things right.
After silently dropping off the prey to Riverclan, Ravenfeather sped back to camp. Unfortunately, Smudgefoot was not back yet. He made his way into the warriors den to potentially nap off the sadness creeping through him, but it turned out the den was no such haven. Those tears he had dammed up began to overflow again at the sight of Smudgefoot's solitary nest. Yesterday, Ravenfeather had removed it and even spaced it away from his own due to his own hurt. It looked so lonely. The way how it was mussed indicated Smudgefoot had been tossing and turning all night. Ravenfeather gripped it gingerly, almost as if letting even a breeze touch it would destroy it and the cat it served. Instead of the nap he'd once desired, Ravenfeather meticulously reweaved the nest back in to his own. He wanted it to be the exact same as before He'd so ruthlessly tossed it away. After finishing touching it up, Ravenfeather set to waiting for Smudgefoot's return.
Ravenfeather was scared for a little while that Smudgefoot had run off to never return, but the familiar silhouette in the tunnel assuaged his fears. It was a moment after that he noticed Smudgefoot was bleeding.
He'd been so glad when Smudgefoot returned. Smudgefoot hadn't even batted an eye at the change of demeaner that Ravenfeather had undergone. It was just like before their fight. That familiar feeling of brushing up against each other just felt right to the black tom, now fully appreciating all the time and effort his mate put in to protect him. Even now, Ashpaw's words flashed in Ravenfeather's mind. He'd have to make up for all Smudgefoot had done for him.
As he guided Smudgefoot to the warriors den after Yellowfang patching him up, Ravenfeather couldn't help shooting a glance towards the apprentice den where a certain grey apprentice watched. He didn't look as hateful now, but he definitely had a look that said he'd be watching Ravenfeather. Ashpaw was so much like his mentor. Ravenfeather didn't even know why he tried to change that. Smudgefoot, and Ashpaw by extension were perfect just the way they are. Maybe they didn't have the same sense of morality. They still more than made up for it with their fierce loyalty towards the ones they cared for.