do you guys remember two chapters ago when Ed got sick from a regional illness his immune system wasn't accustomed to? THAT LITERALLY HAPPENED TO ME. At the beginning of the month I went cross-country to see all my extended family and celebrate my graduation, and on the last day, I freaking got sick. Like, really sick. Like, stuck in bed for six days sick. And I'm still not fully recovered...I just thought it was hilarious that the misery I put Ed through came and whumped me in real life. It's the curse of fanfiction XD
anyway...
Ch 20: Dehumanization
Rated K+
Characters: Alphonse, Edward
Timeline: BH/Manga
Notes: I've always had mixed feelings about how Barry the chopper gets in Al's head that he's not real…on the one hand, yeah, Al's situation is unimaginably difficult, and of course he struggles with it. But on the other hand, why would he let his feelings fester to the point of thinking everyone in his life has betrayed him? Then again, Ed's prone to letting stuff fester too, so maybe it's an Elric thing lol. Anyway, takes place after the lab 5 debacle, but before created feelings. Al's POV. Sorry for two in a row *nervous laughter*
Are you sure you're not a puppet created by your so-called brother? Accept it. You'll feel better.
For two entire days now, these words have been my only company, occupying every moment that isn't updates on Ed's condition or reminders about how stupid we were to go to the lab.
I wish I could think about something else. I wish I could focus on my brother's health. But I can't, because I'm no longer sure he even is my brother. It's a horrible, sickening thought—one I had never even considered before going to that stupid lab. Of course Edward and I are brothers. I remember what it was like growing up with him, how things were before we tried to bring Mom back. But now, I just keep thinking…how reliable are memories? Who's to say it isn't some elaborate lie? I didn't grow up with many people; it would be easy to get them in on the scheme, right?
For four years, the one thing Ed has reassured me of over and over is my humanity. It's not like I haven't questioned it before. Without a human body, it can be hard to feel real sometimes. But Ed would always be right there, telling me I am and always will be human, whether I have a physical body or not. And every time, I believed him. Blindly, I believed in the blond-haired, gold-eyed boy named Alphonse Elric, whose body would someday be returned to me.
How…naive a thing to do.
But why? Why would Ed do this? What could he possibly have to gain by making himself a puppet younger brother? What would Winry and Granny have to gain by going along with it? And why lead me on with promises of returning me to a human body that never existed in the first place? Is it a desire for power? Companionship? It just doesn't make sense.
"Alphonse?"
I startle out of my revelry. Maria Ross has returned, either to scold me for sneaking out again or give another pointless update on Ed. Nothing has changed in two days. Once the doctors assessed Ed and declared him not to be in critical condition, he's just been doing nothing in a medicated sleep. From what I've been told, he broke a couple ribs and lost a lot of blood, but he'll recover. As long as he's not dying, I don't know why I need all these nothing-updates.
But even still, I shouldn't be entirely dismissive of Ms. Ross. She doesn't know my entire world is falling apart. "Hm?"
"Edward is awake if you want to see him," she says.
That isn't what I was expecting. "He…is?"
"Well…sort of. He's not fully coherent…but he is awake." With that, she quickly bows and heads back toward her guard post outside Ed's room.
I don't want to visit him, because I still haven't worked out just what's happened between us, but I should. I could play off spending all my time in the hallway as not wanting to see my dear brother in such a broken state, but now that he's awake…Normal Alphonse would be eager to see him. I can't let everyone know just how messed up everything is just yet. Not until I know what to say to him, first.
Imitating a sigh, I force myself up and down the hall to my "brother's" room. The doctor and a nurse are there, standing by Ed's side and taking notes. Ed himself still looks terrible: pale from blood loss and bandaged everywhere. But, like Maria said, his eyes are open and position shifted, curled up slightly and arm cradling the worst wound in his side.
Hearing me enter, the nurse, doctor, and Edward look over. It takes a moment, but once he realizes who he's looking at, Ed's eyes fill with relief. "Al…" he says softly. And even though I've heard the name from his lips a million times, something about it sounds wrong now, and I can't help but question its authenticity.
"You must be the major's brother," the doctor says. "Your name is all he's said since waking up."
Of course it is. He has to make sure his puppet is alright.
"He's making good progress in his recovery," the nurse chimes in. "However, he's still pretty heavily medicated, so he may not be able to understand everything right now—just warning you."
The two men look at me expectantly, and I realize they're waiting for a response. "Oh—that's alright. I'm…just glad he's better."
"Right. Well, the only update we have for you is that, now that he's up, we think something may be wrong with his automail arm. He hasn't moved it once, even reflexively…But we're not experts, so we recommend getting in contact with his mechanic as soon as he's a little more coherent."
Winry…another person I don't want to see right now…
"We'll be back in a couple hours to check in. Until then, we'll give you two some time alone," the doctor says, and then he and the nurse exit, leaving just me and Edward in the room.
Ed looks at me a minute longer before speaking again. "I'm glad you're okay…" Like the nurse warned, his words are quiet and slow from all the drugs still in his system. It's a state I vividly remember from after we tried to bring Mom back, both directly after the accident and later after automail surgery. I remember being scared seeing him so subdued and unlike himself when he finally woke up after the transmutation, but Granny said it was better for him to be tired and somewhat oblivious than in pure agony. Again, with these memories comes that bitter doubt Barry planted in my mind, making me question if they're real events or just purposeful fabrications designed to make me feel sympathetic to the person who created me. If it's the latter, he's done a frustratingly good job; it does hurt seeing him weak and injured, which was why I wanted so badly to avoid him altogether until I figured out the veracity of my existence. Even with all the doubt and anger that's been festering in me for the past two days, I can't help but still feel loyal to this person who may not even be my real brother.
"What's wrong?" Ed asks, and I realize I've been standing here silently for probably several minutes at this point, not knowing what to say. I internally sigh; so much for him not being able to understand anything. I should have known better than to think he'd be entirely incoherent; slow to process things, yes, but not unaware.
And for just a moment, I consider telling him about the fight with Barry the Chopper. He'd obviously deny the serial killer's argument, but whatever he says could give me a definitive answer about my existence—proving with his own words whether I'm real or not. In fact, I'm just about to start the story when another recent memory pops into my mind.
It was three days after we found out the truth about the Philosopher's Stone, and we'd been holed up in our hotel room since. Edward was just about as defeated as I'd ever seen him, barely sleeping or eating. He'd promised me the day before that he would find another solution to get our bodies back, but the weight of our latest discovery was still too heavy on our minds to begin searching for that new solution. We felt entirely lost and beaten, and he admitted he was beginning to wonder if this is how it would be for the rest of our lives.
"You know, Al, there's something I've been wanting to tell you for a while, but I guess I've been too afraid to say it."
"What?"
But I never got to hear his response. That was when Major Armstrong broke into the room, and Ed got the idea to look into Central's laboratories, and we ultimately ended up here.
What was he going to say? Edward doesn't take serious conversations lightly. He's always been a very guarded person, and he doesn't like talking about his fears or pains. But in the end, he's never kept secrets from me. It may take time, especially the deeper and more personal the topic is, but ultimately, he's always honest when it's something important. What could he be so afraid to talk about that it's taken years to even consider mentioning?
…Maybe there's merit to Barry's words, after all.
That's the only thing I can think of. He's been too afraid to admit my existence is a lie, because he knows that the moment he does, he'll lose me forever. The moment I learn the truth, all his power over me disappears, and he can't let that happen.
"Al?" Edward asks again. I focus back on him, once again realizing I still haven't responded to anything he's said. I can still see the haziness of painkillers and sedatives on his face, but his eyes are also filled with a clear, conscious unease.
"...It's nothing, Edward," I finally reply.
The disquiet in his eyes deepens, and now he's looking at me almost like I'm a stranger. "What did I do?"
"What? Nothing."
"You said my name," he continues, obviously confused.
I stiffen slightly; I did. I almost never use my brother's full name—not unless I'm really upset or need to make a point. He's usually "Brother", sometimes "Ed", but rarely "Edward". Did my inner turmoil subconsciously make its way into my words? It must have; I didn't intend to use his full name. Yet, now that that memory from a few days ago is stuck in my mind, saying "Brother" feels just as disingenuous when there's a very real possibility this person isn't my real brother. However, I also don't want him to be suspicious, realize I figured out his big secret, and have him do something crazy to keep me under his control.
So, carefully, I reply, "I'm just worried. I didn't mean anything by it, Brother."
And because he trusts me (or rather, thinks I trust him), the apprehension in his eyes eases. He shifts slightly, returning his arm to his injured side and gaining a sort of far-off look. "Hurts…"
"Do you want me to get the doctor?" I ask, hoping he'll say "yes" so I can leave.
"Mm." Ed's gaze shifts to the ceiling. "Maybe…"
"I'll get him," I say, turning to leave.
"Alphonse…"
I turn back, seeing that concern back in Ed's eyes.
"Promise you're okay?" he asks softly.
No, I'm not. I'm the furthest thing from "okay". How could I be okay when it seems like my entire existence—my very humanity—is all a lie?
How do you know you're not a puppet created by your so-called brother?
You know, Al, there's something I've been wanting to tell you…
Accept it. You'll feel better.
I turn away again. "Yes, Brother… I promise."
And then Ed starts recovering and Al keeps spiraling until he explodes and Winry forces them to make up
I'm not entirely happy with this one but not every prompt is going to make me happy...we've finally made it 2/3 through the list though! ...eight months later XD