A/N: Since this whole fic will be dealing with alcoholism, be warned that there will be moments that could be triggering if you have emetophobia or a history of alcoholism. This will come up often enough that I couldn't possibly warn before every instance, so proceed at your own risk.
I will add TWs to the summary and prechapter A/Ns as they become relevant to the story.
Chapter 1 - Closer to You
"I miss Mama."
"I miss her, too."
In the face of her trepidation, Arizona remembered the words her daughter had wept to her months before as they began to board the plane.
She shook her nerves and her hair out of her face, and taking Sofia's tiny hand in her own, walked confidently to their seats. For the first time in a long time, her daughter had been nothing but smiles, knowing that she would soon be reunited with her other mom. She wouldn't have to choose between New York and Seattle ever again.
"How long will it take, Mommy?"
"Tell you what, kiddo, I bet it'll be super duper fast if you take a nap," Arizona replied with a smile. "One nap and we'll be together! And when we get there, you can show me all the cool things you have at Mama's house!" As much as she loved to see Sofia so happy, she hoped she would get some time alone with her thoughts.
She was excited more than anything, but that excitement was complicated.
Her anticipation had rapidly grown as the move approached, and in a way she never knew was possible, she was just happy to have so many reasons to talk to Callie. There were details to hammer out and schedules to consider. She found herself feeling lighter after even the most mundane logistical conversations, and she wasn't sure what she could do about that.
Arizona and her daughter situated themselves in their seats. Sofia laid her head on her mom's shoulder and squeezed her eyes shut so tight, Arizona couldn't help but laugh at Sofia being a drama queen.
As the plane engine roared, Arizona gripped the armrests and swallowed hard, thoughts of how much hell she and Callie went through, mainly because of each other. Thoughts flashed through her mind, serving as a distraction from the vibration of the plane around her. It felt like she had changed since the divorce. It had been for the better, but the wounds that she and Callie had inflicted on one another still felt raw when she thought back on those days.
This move was hopefully to be a start in healing or rekindling a tentative friendship. When she was honest with herself, though, she knew that feelings of friendship weren't set her heart pounding when she got a text from Callie.
I can't wait to see you!
Friendship wasn't what got Arizona talking about Callie all day at Jo and Alex's wedding, or saying her name instead of Carina's.
"I just can't stop smiling, it doesn't make any sense." she said, leaning on April.
She put in some earbuds to take her mind off the overwhelming buzz of the engine and focused on her breathing as the plane began to lift off, and she felt something lift off inside of her simultaneously.
Because when she was honest, after everything, she couldn't ever think of Calliope Torres as something as trivial as a friend.
"Maybe it doesn't need to," said April.
Callie's eyes took some effort to peel open, being crusted over with last nights tears.
Despite the weight in her bones, she reluctantly peeked up to take in her surroundings one by one; the maroon couch she fell asleep on, the bottle of Hornitos spilt on the wooden floor, and the tissues on the coffee table that went unused for lack of hand-eye coordination after finishing the bottle on her own.
She saw the remnants of many nights past. Old paper bags and cartons of takeout littered the floor. Her head was pounding, dehydration taking over her throat and rising bile threatening to knock her back on her ass.
"Fuck me." she muttered, reaching for the empty bottle before realizing it wouldn't help her.
She dragged herself reluctantly off of the leather sofa, praying to find some hair of the dog to chase off her hangover in her kitchen cabinets. She went through them clumsily, each emptier than the last, finding a box of cereal (thank goodness) and expired milk (goodness damnit) in the fridge.
She groggily shoved some dry flakes in her mouth as she dumped the milk down the sink and tossed the carton. Just then, an alarm on her phone started screeching from the other room. Shaken from her until then sleepy disorientation, she shuffled over to the coffee table to retrieve it.
SOFIA AND ARIZONA MOVING DAY!
Callie's eyes widened instantly and she ran to the bathroom as fast as her body could take it, barely making it to the toilet in time to puke the cereal she just barely chewed, along with whatever liquid still remained in her body that wasn't produced with agave grown in Mexico. She retched a few times, her eyes watering at the pressure.
Once the waves finally stopped, she laid her cheek against the cool porcelain, coughing quietly and trying to catch her breath.
Shooting up and feeling relief at the momentary lack of nausea, Callie hurriedly checked herself in the mirror to see what she needed to do to look alive in the East Coast sense of the word.
She regretted it instantly. Her "waterproof" eyeliner and mascara clearly were not rated for waterfalls, her once tan skin was more mottled gray than anything. The bags under her eyes rivaled the ones she had while living in the basement of Grey Sloan Memorial, then Seattle Grace Hospital.
Her face crumpled as she dropped her head in her hands, her knees threatening to buckle, she could feel the world around her collapsing. She allowed herself exactly ten seconds to let heaving sobs rack through her.
When her allotted time was up, Callie turned on the sink and splashed her face, put on fresh makeup to hide her sickly appearance, and made a damn good effort at looking like a living human person in almost half the time it normally took her to scrub in. She pulled her hair back out of her face, tying it in a high ponytail to make it look neater than it really was.
She took in her handiwork, turning to the left and right and up and down to examine every angle and smoothing the stray hairs, noting that this was the first time in months that she'd looked this good. That even then, she could see how the time had changed her.
No eyeliner could hide the irrevocable lack of life in her eyes. Hands quivering, Callie gripped the edges of the sink and stared at the ceiling, willing her eyes not to ruin her done-up face. When her eyes finally dried, she stared herself down in the mirror and took a deep, shuddering breath.
"You can do this. You need to do this. You will be fine."
She rushed out the door, hoping that, at least for today, she could believe the lies.
Arizona awoke with a jolt as the plane touched down roughly onto the tarmac. She turned her head, careful not to move too much, to see Sofia's little head on her shoulder. She took a moment to admire her sweet sleeping face before gently waking her.
"Hey, baby girl, we made it!"
The biggest grin split Sofia's face and she started babbling about all the things she needs to show her. Arizona walked hand in hand with Sofia through the terminal, grabbed their luggage, and waved down a taxi. Sofia hadn't run out of conversation topics even when the taxi finally pulled up to the address that Callie had sent.
The Upper Manhattan apartment building looked old, with typical worn limestone on the outside, but based on the backgrounds of many Facetime conversations with Sofia, she knew the inside had been completely gutted and redone in her ex-wife's favored "frowny" style of chrome and dark colors. Arizona walked up to the door and pressed the buzzer.
Sofia was nearly vibrating with excitement while her mother tried to hide her own. Soon after, the door to the building swung outward to Arizona and Sofia.
Arizona was caught off guard by her body's reaction to Calliope stepping out the door. She saw that her ex-wife, even after months apart, had not changed a bit. If anything, the time had made her more beautiful than ever.
Her hair fell in loose dark curls over her leather motorcycle jacket, only now there were a few strands of gray that framed her face. The black jeans she was wearing were hugging her waist in a way that had Arizona remembering quiet conversations in dirty bar bathrooms. The bright red of Callie's lipstick reminded her of how many times she'd had to wash that same lipstick out of her scrubs whenever they'd made a pit stop at an on-call room.
"Hey, you have great timing, I was just putting away some groceries," said Callie, smiling, seemingly oblivious to Arizona's jaw hanging out on the ground.
"Mama! I missed you so much!" Sofia squealed as she hopped into Callie's arms.
"Well, hi, mami! I've missed you, too, sweet girl," Callie hummed as they embraced.
Clearing her throat suddenly, Arizona said, "Hey, how have you been?"
She could almost hear Mark in her ear mocking her, saying, That was super natural and not at all weird. Great work, Robbins.
"Good, it's been an adjustment for sure, but it's been good," said Callie, setting Sofia down.
Sofia rushed up the stairs, "Mama, hurry! I want to show Mommy all my toys and my pretty room!" she shouted behind her.
Callie grinned back at Arizona, rolling her eyes playfully, and held the door open for her to step inside. They heard the apartment door open and slam shut in the distance above as they took their time climbing the stairs. Callie took the lead which gave Arizona a view of her backside that she should not have been indulging. She decided to distract herself by breaking the not-quite-comfortable-yet silence.
"So, you said you're still working at Columbia, right, that attending job? How's that been going?"
"Oh, uh, it's been... fine. Nothing like running ortho back home, but it pays for the apartment," Callie said, chuckling halfheartedly. "And you're starting at Mount Sinai, when was that again?"
"Next Monday. That'll give me time to unpack the new place and get it all set up so we can pick up our old custody schedule with Sofia, every other week still works for me." Arizona sighed. "She was so excited to be back here with you, Calliope. I'm nervous about the new job and the new city, but I feel so good about us being together again."
"Together?"
"Yeah! The three of us, finally in the same place at the same time. I really think that having her family all together is going to be good for Sofia."
"Ah, right, of course!" Callie exclaimed a bit loudly, immediately feeling sheepish.
It was like Mark was on her shoulder, telling her, Come on, Torres, you can do better than that. Make a move!
There was a long pause before Arizona asked, hesitantly, "What happened with Penny? I don't want to pry or anything, you just seemed happy and then..."
Callie shrugged, looking down before muttering, "Hah, yeah, well. We just weren't a good fit. After... all of that... we never really found our way back from it."
The two women reached the apartment door, and Sofia was right there in an instant, pulling Arizona by the hand towards a green bedroom down the hall.
"It's this way, Mommy, come on! You guys take forever," Sofia said, annoyed, but too excited to be truly bothered.
"Okay, okay. I'm coming, little girl!"
Arizona grinned at Callie and disappeared into Sofia's room, and Callie could hear Arizona ooh-ing and ahh-ing as Sofia rattled off a list of her possessions and held them up for appraisal.
Callie took a moment to savor the sound. It felt like she could turn around and see the Space Needle outside her windows instead of the Pedestrian Bridge. Like her life hadn't fallen apart so completely since making the mistake of following Penny to this city that had never felt like home, the mistake of betraying her already tenuous relationship with Arizona during the custody trial.
Seeing Arizona outside her door downstairs, long blonde hair in loose waves with strands that framed her face, the playful arch of her brow, the dimples that appeared like magic when their eyes met in that instant, had begun to unravel something tightly wound in Callie's chest.
That one moment had made her feel things she hadn't felt months, maybe years, but what it really came down to was what Callie saw her wearing. She remembered bringing home that simple gray sweater so vividly even now, especially because of how insistent Arizona was about wearing it after her.
"Listen, it looks great on you, Calliope, don't get me wrong, but look at how hot it looks on me!" Arizona said, winking and dancing across the room to Callie.
Callie remembered her wearing it out for drinks with friends at Joe's one night, catching her holding the sleeve up to her cheek or nose, covertly inhaling traces of Callie's perfume. She couldn't believe Arizona had kept it this long. She wondered if it still smelled like her, just a little, all these years later.
Suddenly, she felt her left hand start spasming.
In a silent panic, Callie looked quickly down the hall to make sure Arizona and Sofia were still occupied, and she moved to open the cupboard above her fridge. She took down an unmarked bottle and swallowed a long drag before stowing it in its original place. She gagged at the taste of her breath, eyes watering briefly, and snatched a piece of cinnamon gum out of her pocket. She popped it in her mouth and the stimulation and flavor soothed her.
Callie took a deep breath to steady herself, and walked over to Sofia's door.
"'...And this is the Littlest Pet Shop lizard Mama got me for Easter, she hid him in an egg and I found him under the couch!" she heard Sofia proclaim, holding up the tiny toy.
"I think you might have been at Mommy's that Easter, mija," Callie said, smiling at Arizona, and she looked up from her spot sitting on the floor.
Arizona laughed and said, "Show me anyway, sweets. I haven't seen it here yet!"
Arizona moved to stand up and wobbled a bit trying to get the knee joint of her prosthetic to cooperate, and she suddenly felt a hand grab her by the waist. Callie reached out her other hand to hold Arizona's and support her weight, and helped her stand up.
They looked at each other for an impossibly long moment, their hands still clasped, Callie's arm still wrapped tightly around Arizona and holding her close to keep her upright.
Arizona popped the bubble as she steadied herself against Sofia's dresser, letting herself lean into it and adjusting her leg. Callie's eyes flicked away and she coughed quietly, dropping her hands to her sides uncomfortably. She then stooped to Sofia's level.
"Do you want to show Mommy the park?"