Chapter 5.
Harry was laying on a hospital bed in Hellsing's infirmary, his bed next to one containing a scowling Pip cradling a bruised arm and on the third bed was Alucard's head, detached from its body, grinning like a maniac.
"Zat is just creepy." Pip said. Alucard tried speaking but made no sound, given his lack of lungs at the moment.
"What did he say?" Pip asked.
"Stop being a pussy, Pip." Harry said, laughing, while poking at he wooden stake jutting out of his abdomen.
"Merde." Pip said
"Don't be a little bitch, I fixed your hair and all you got is a bruise." Harry said, sitting up, groaning slightly as the broken off piece of table leg settled into its new position inside his body.
"What I don't understand is why you haven't done anything about zat, and why he hasn't done anything about zat!" Pip said first pointing at Harry's abdomen.
"You clearly haven't been paying attention the whole time you've known us." Harry said.
"Okay, Mister Potter-Victoria, I was told you had a splinter OH JESUS CHRIST DON'T MOVE!" The medic said, panicking when seeing the bloody mess sitting on a bed with a chunk of wood hanging out of him.
"Isn't this where you say 'Is that a stake in your gut, or are you happy to see me?" Harry asked. Alucard laughed so hard he rolled off his bed. Pip sighed.
"Next time warn me zere is a new hire..." Pip said. Harry laughed before screaming while wrenching the wood out of his body.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" the medic asked.
"Relax, it'll be fine. Bitchy McBitcherson over here has bump on his arm and I think he needs a lollypop." Harry said gesturing at Pip
"Hey!" Pip cried.
"Wasn't there three of you?" The medic said, barely able to catch his breath.
"BOO!" Alucard shouted from behind him. The medic shrieked and ran out of the room, terrified. Harry sighed.
"Looks like we need to start looking at resumes again." Harry said.
"Why does Integra let you do that?" Pip asked, shaking his head.
"Well for a couple of reasons. One, we need medics that don't waste time asking too many questions when they're presented with implausible, supernatural bullshit like we see in our day to day. Scaring the shit out of them on day 1 lets us know who can keep a cool head under pressure." Harry said.
"And ze other reason?" Pip asked.
"It does wonders for our morale." Alucard said. Harry ran and hugged Seras, Nicole, Integra, Regina, Rip and Zorin as they walked in through the portal.
"How are Luna and Helena?" Harry asked.
"Good. How did the new hire do?" Integra asked.
"Well, at least this one didn't leave a trail of urine out the door." Harry said. Alucard giggled.
"Christ.." Integra said.
"Should we perhaps look for a magical?" Pip asked.
"Are you kidding? Poppy is the exception, not the rule, at least for now, and no we are not going to try to hire Poppy. The last thing I need is her tackling me in the hall and forcing potions down my throat." Harry said.
"Hmm. She's in her sixties, right?" Alucard asked. Harry grinned savagely.
"Yup, and she's single... go right ahead, Alucard!" Harry said.
"She used to be a vampire hunter didn't she?" Alucard said, his expression falling.
"Her license is still current." Harry said laughing. He noticed Nicole fussing with a small cord bracelet on her left wrist.
"Wow, you already need a bigger one." Harry said.
"I was going to ask about that, what is her bracelet for?" Pip asked.
"Babies don't exactly have a lot of self control, and Dhampirs are ridiculously strong, especially since she's Seras' baby. And we don't need daddy's little banshee breaking any more arms, do we?" Harry said, teasing Nicole who started giggling.
"Banshee?" Seras asked with a grin.
"Have you heard the pipes on this little pipsqeak?" Harry asked.
"Ban-hee!" Nicole said.
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"Jesus fuck it's cold..." Alucard said, shivering in his coat.
"I warned you." Harry said, rearranging the newly cut block of ice he'd created out of the ground and off to the side.
"Why this place specifically?" Alucard asked.
"We don't want it anywhere near Vostok station. The last thing we need is for the Russian Federation to accidentally find a portal to hell." Harry said, transfiguring the ice block into an enormous steel bar and leaping into the cubical space he'd created in the ice.
"Good point.. Still getting used to not calling them the soviet union." Alucard said. Harry bent the steel bar into an arch and embedded it into the hole in the ice he'd carved, before leaping down and waving his wand.
"You gonna pass out on me?" Alucard asked.
"No, my core's a lot stronger than it was two years... a few days ago." Harry said, suddenly looking distracted.
"Two years is a long time, Harry, not knowing whether you'd be able to return to them. Do remember what you told Schrodinger about sharing burdens." Alucard offered.
"Yeah... Thanks." Harry said. With that, what looked like shimmering silk snapped into existence within the arch and resolved into pitch black. Harry frowned.
"That's not right..." Harry said.
"What?" Alucard said.
"I left an illumination orb on the other side... it should have been good for millennia." Harry said. He shrugged.
"Be ready to bury the arch." Harry said, looking up at Alucard who was standing on the edge.
"Be careful.." Alucard said. Harry nodded and walked through the portal. Once through he produced a lumos and raised it up to the ceiling of the cavern he'd left the portal in. The room shook and a few small rocks and some dust fell down from the ceiling.
"Shit.." Harry said out loud. He looked around and cursed.
"Damnit..." Harry said. There were several dessicated Infernal corpses, all with grievous wounds. He walked over to an enormous stone sarcophagus that he'd left and waved his wand over it. The runes glowed gold and he nodded.
"At least everyone's still alive in there." The cavern shook again, then again.
"Footsteps.. big ones.." Harry observed. His eyes widened and he picked the sarcophagus off the ground and started towards the portal. The room shook wildly and he heard a rock slide behind him and saw light pour in.
"THERE!" A raspy voice cried behind him.
"KILL THE INTERLOPER!" a deep, rumbling voice from outside bellowed.
"Fuck off." Harry said, dislodging several thousands of rock from the ceiling, crushing the infernals attempting to get in. He put the sarcophagus down and picked up a baseball-sized rock. He grabbed his pocket knife and carved a few runes into the rock before nicking his finger and bleeding into them. The rock levatated at about eye-level to Harry and started slowly spinning.
"Demolition!" Harry heard someone bellow from the other side.
"Have fun with this, assholes." Harry said, retrieving the sarcophagus and shrinking it, putting it in his pocket and running to the portal. He looked back and grinned when the rock glowed bright yellow and was spinning wildly.
Alucard had the peculiar experience of seeing Harry's left foot rise up and step into the portal simultaneously as his face emerged directly above it, going the other direction. He had no time to muse over it however, when Harry leapt into the air and slammed into him, tackling him to the ice a hundred meters away.
"What the fu-JESUS!" Alucard shouted just as an enormous gout of flame erupted from the hole Harry'd made in the ice, forming a mushroom cloud hundreds of meters high.
"I'm pretty sure that wrecked the portal, but stay here while I bury it." Harry said. Alucard nodded vacantly as he stared in awe at the explosion. The flames quickly died down and Harry made short work of the glacier, burying the twisted remains of the arch under thousands of tons of ice and rubble.
"Explain that one, future anthropologists!" Harry said with a grin as he walked over to Alucard, grabbing his hand.
"Harry wha-" Alucard said before Harry apparated them out of there and back into the main hall of his manor.
"Harry! Did everything work out?" Integra asked. Harry nodded, patting his pocket.
"Unfortunately the guards that watched over them didn't make it. They must have been attacked. They managed to cave the entrance in and protect the rest. They were trying to break through when I arrived." Harry said.
"Why were they there the day you decided to return?" Alucard asked.
"The Greater Demons and their masters are very attuned to magic. They probably felt it when I created the portal. For me it was less than a minute, on their end it was almost two days." Harry said.
"What about the portal?" Integra asked, anxiously.
"Not a problem." Harry said with a grin. When everyone looked at him impatiently, he rolled his eyes.
"I took a rock, and inscribed it with two opposing runes, powered by my blood. The two opposing forces build up against each other until the atomic structure of the rock becomes unstable, neutrons start flying then that interacts with the portal and... kablooey on both sides. Both ends of the portal were annihilated." Harry said.
"Harry did you nuke Antarctica?" Integra asked, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"Maaaayyyybe..." Harry said with a grin,.
"Harry there's no way the world's governments wouldn't have noticed that!" Seras cried.
"The reaction leaves only trace amounts of radiation, and an explosion along with a crater that looks exactly like a meteor strike. There's also chunks of rubble mixed into it as well. Unless you were watching us at the time, which nobody was because it's winter in Antarctica thousands of miles from any of the scientific research stations, then there's literally no way to differentiate my magical nuke from an asteroid strike." Harry said, folding his arms and looking smug.
"I'm telling Hermione." Integra said.
"PLEASE GOD NO I'LL DO ANYTHING!" Harry begged