Chapter 42 I Should Just Let Them

The day waged on, and Raven's fear continued to build. Of course, she didn't express it, as she figured that would create more problems than it would solve. When running from two interdimensional demons, emotions didn't factor in. One had to keep moving forward, keep walking without looking back. She wouldn't rest until she got to Titans Tower. She wouldn't stop until she and Raven were safe.

Of course, not stopping created quite the problem. Like the previous times when she had walked, her feet stung. It was like she was walking on broken glass after being bitten by a thousand bullet ants. She wanted to stop so desperately and treat herself. But, of course, such a desire didn't matter at this point.

"How…' Raven cleared her throat just as she and her double stopped at a crosswalk. "How much longer until we get to your Tower?"

Raven frowned. "With the rate we're going?" Her face fell. "I'd say about three hours."

"Three hours? Dang." Raven tried not to whimper while standing on her injured feet and didn't say a word when the light turned green. "Does it usually take you this long?"

Raven snorted. "No." She started walking, and Raven followed her. "Most of the time, I can fly, or I can get Cyborg to drive me in his car."

Raven winced. "Yeaaaah…" She took in another breath. "Well, I guess we'll keep on trucking."

"Yeah. Trucking."

They continued on their walk. After about an hour passed, Raven's feet hurt so badly that she could barely move. It almost felt like a round of bullets had shot her feet and were now lodged between her bones. Each step felt like she was stepping on fire, but again, she couldn't stop. She wouldn't stop. Not until the two of them got to…

"Oh my gosh, your feet!"

Raven blinked, coming to a much-needed stop as she looked up at Raven. "My feet? What's wrong with my…" she looked down and gasped. Some very large holes had opened up in her shoes, causing her throbbing, bumpy red feet to poke through. Just looking at this made Raven want to throw up.

"I… I…" she wobbled and collapsed, and Raven leaned down to catch her. Raven tried to tell herself that this wasn't a big deal. Sure, it hurt, but next to being captured by the Trigons, she would take this event in an instant. "Let's…" she cleared her throat. "Let's keep going…"

"Keep going? Are you insane?" Raven shook her head and lifted Raven up in her arms. "Come on, I'm gonna heal you."

Raven wanted to object, but Raven was already moving before she got the opportunity. Her double raced down the sidewalk until she found an alleyway. Raven saw that it was a very clean alleyway, albeit a very cramped one. Raven snuck against the walls until they got to the center. Then, she put her double down, let out a breath, and held out her hand.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos."

The blue light appeared, and Raven felt a relief pretty much immediately. Of course, she also felt bad that they were forced to come to a stop because of her, but she wasn't about to complain. She waited for Raven to finish, the pain shrinking and the relief growing. She looked into her double's face as she did this, noticing how serious she looked. She was so strong. An immovable rock, a hero that anybody could look up to. This sight made Raven's mind reel. She bet that Raven didn't have the same struggles she did. She bet that she currently wasn't considering giving her powers up.

Because that's what Raven was wanting right now. She knew she shouldn't; she knew it was one of the worst ideas she could ever have. And yet, thinking about everything that this would offer her. A new human form, a new human life, and no reason to ever talk about her dad again. Oh man, those thoughts were so overwhelmingly sweet. But… but… Oh she shouldn't, she shouldn't be thinking about this. And yet, the desire grew stronger and stronger. It just… it just wouldn't stop.

"Raven? Are you okay?"

For the first time in a while (possibly her entire life), tears formed in Raven's eyes. "Dang it." She wiped the tears away, thinking about everything. Why was she like this? Why was she so selfish? Why couldn't she be a good hero like Raven? Oh man, why couldn't she be like Raven…

"Raven, please tell me what's wrong," Raven said. She reached toward her double as if to put her hands on her, but stopped halfway. She hesitated before ultimately deciding to pull back. "Maybe I'll be able to help?"

Raven dried more tears from her eyes and looked at her double. Through the stoic mask, she could see genuine concern. She could see someone who really wanted to help, who was probably prioritizing her safety and health. And… well, who wouldn't be a better person for Raven to talk to than herself? Surely, this version of her could understand! And if she couldn't understand… well, she could at the very least try to.

So, she adjusted her position and sat up. "I've… I've been doing some thinking. Before, my dad offered to take my powers away from me. And… well, your dad wants to get my powers too. And… maybe I'm thinking… that I should just let them?"

Raven's eyes grew wide. She stared at Raven for quite a while, a practice that only proved to make her feel worse. Her stomach churned, and she had to look away. She was judging her, wasn't she? She was thinking about how that was a stupid idea, how that was the worst thing that she could possibly suggest.

"I mean…" Raven bit her lip. "I can't help but think about what it would be like to have a normal life." She rubbed her shoulder, looking away from Raven's gaze. "Having normal friends to hang out with and such…" She sniffled. "I mean… there are times when I absolutely hate my life. I hate who I am. I hate what I am. I feel like I belong nowhere, that it would just be best for everyone if I wasn't part of their lives. I mean… for crying out loud, I'm half demon! What sane person would stick around the daughter of the devil himself?" She cried some more. "I try not to let it bother me; I really do. I try not to think about it too much, how much it hurts to have to wield these powers, and how much it hurts to exist like this. I try to just let myself get distracted by books and the wacky adventures me and my friends go on, and sometimes that works. But… but it only works for a second." She looked down at one stone on the ground. "I really wouldn't mind being rid of my demon side. Just once, I want to know what it's like. Just once, I'd like to be… normal." A silence befell the scene, one that weighed down on Raven. She couldn't look at her double, away from her double… nothing she did helped her feel better. She felt like one of the most selfish beings in the world for even saying this. She felt like she was the exact type of evil being that her father had bred her to be, and it felt terrible. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to…

"I get it."

Raven did a double take. She looked at her double, who looked back at her with shimmering eyes. On some level, Raven questioned if she had even heard that in the first place. She wiped some tears from her eyes and sat up, all without looking away.

"You do?"

Raven nodded. "It's a constant struggle." Now it was her turn to look away from her double. "Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth waking up in the morning. I wonder why I'm even doing what I'm doing when what I am is one of the worst things a person could possibly be." She frowned. "And it hurts so much. For years, I felt like I was inherently bad. Unworthy of love and friendship, I guess you could say."

Raven's eyes grew wide. "So… you really do know what it's like?"

"Yes." Raven held her glowing blue hand over Raven's foot again. "I thought that I was only the bringer of bad omens. I wanted nothing to do with my friends or the city I wanted to save. I just…" she hesitated, even shaking a little bit. "I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to leave this dimension forever and go to one where nothing bad could happen, where I could express my ugliest emotions without any consequences." Her frown got deeper. "I felt dirty for even thinking that though, which meant I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, I didn't even see the point of protecting Jump City anymore. But on the other, I knew that if I left it, then I would just be giving into the demonic genes I had inherited. After all, I'm a hero. A hero isn't supposed to be selfish. Otherwise, can they really call themselves a hero?"

Now Raven frowned. "Okay…"

"And I really wished I wasn't me. I wished I was someone else; someone who didn't have a horrific destiny waiting over the horizon and who didn't have to worry about a father who was going to take control and destroy the world." She sunk a little. "But more than anything else, I wished I was someone who wouldn't hurt anybody. Especially the other Titans."

A silence befell the scene, only broken, every once in a while, by the sound of cars driving past the alleyway. There was a sort of sadness in Raven's eyes, as well as some sort of longing.

"What made you decide to keep going?" Raven finally asked.

A tiny smile graced Raven's lip. "Honestly? As corny as this may sound, my friends?" She chuckled and scratched the back of her head. "My friends were supportive of me even in the worst, darkest times. They showed me that, even with all these horrible thoughts and feelings running through my head, I was still worthy of love. And that I didn't need to be normal to earn love from anybody."

Raven blinked. A small smile appeared on her face too, and it only got bigger as Raven went on.

"This is why I said I would never wish my powers away to you earlier. Sure, they come with big drawbacks and even bigger responsibilities. But in the end, it's all worth it. If I can't get up in the morning, I just remind myself that I have friends. Friends who will lead more toward a better tomorrow, friends that will remind me of the value of hoping for the best." She looked right in Raven's eyes. "Are your friends like that? Do they do stuff like that for you?"

Raven thought about this question for a bit before nodding. "They… yeah. I think they do." She chuckled. "I mean, don't get me wrong; they drive me absolutely crazy!"

Raven laughed too. "My friends do the same thing to me sometimes. Every rose has its thorns, you know."

"Yeah." Raven thought about this some more. "But… they do provide me with good. A whole world of good, as a matter of fact." She sniffled again. "And I don't think I ever would've met them if I was born normal."

"Exactly." This time, Raven managed to put her hand on her double's shoulder. "So don't worry about a thing, Raven. You've always got friends to support you."

"Yeah. I do." She frowned. "But… but what if my demon side takes over? What if it hurts my friends?"

"That won't happen. I know what it's like to be a Raven; you won't let anything happen to your friends." She patted her shoulder. "And, when there are times you feel extra demonic, just know that you can always think about them. You can always picture them, and your powers will be controllable once again."

Raven giggled. "True. Very true."

Raven nodded before pulling away and looking down at Raven's feet again. "Well… I think your feet should be fully healed at this point."

"I think so too." Raven took a deep breath and rose to a standing position. She smiled once she did. "Yep! I feel good as new!"

"Good." Raven stood back up, putting the stoic mask back on. "Now, let's hurry. We need to get to Titans Tower before the Trigons find us."