TW for mentions of domestic abuse and homophobia. (It's only mentioned very briefly, but what can I say, Theo's dad is a dick.)
Theo's still kind of a mess in this one and yes, he is frustratingly vague and secretive, but that's because he's a Slytherin and doesn't trust easily. I promise he'll open up to Neville soon.
ooo
"Looking for your toad again, Longbottom?"
Neville shrugged, heaved a sigh and then, to Theo's surprise, plopped himself down on the floor next to him.
"I think I might have to give up on Trevor." He admitted, looking a little sad. "I've had him for almost a decade now, and the only thing he does is try to get away from me. I think he might be happier if I just leave him to live on the Hogwarts grounds."
Theo didn't really know what to say to that. If he was entirely honest, he was surprised that the friendly Gryffindor was still willing to speak to him after the way he had behaved on their last encounter. So in the end he just let out a non-committal hum, hoping that that was response enough, and took another drag from his cigarette, feeling rather awkward when he felt Longbottom shift next to him in an effort to look at him.
He refused to look back, kept his eyes stubbornly trained on a spot on the opposite wall of the corridor instead; but he could feel Neville's gaze rest heavily on him, scrutinising him with those annoyingly observant eyes of his, and making Theo feel uncomfortably warm and fidgety.
"So..." Neville began, when he was finally done staring and ready to have another stab at conversation. "If I ask you how you are...will you bite my head off again?"
Theo couldn't help but snort at that. It kind of just came out without a warning...a strange, ungraceful noise that sounded amused and maybe a little self-deprecating.
"Oh, I don't know." he mused, fighting down a smile and twisting his head to finally meet Neville's gaze.
"Why don't you give it a try?"
He watched with curiosity, as Neville's lips quirked up at the corners and, like a true Gryffindor, he took the bait.
"Okay," He said slowly. "So, how are you today?"
Theo's urge to smile quickly faded when he realised that he had talked himself into a corner. He had been playful with Longbottom, giving him the idea that this time he would answer his stupid question, when in reality that was still the last thing he wanted to do.
Stalling for time he took a last deep drag from his cigarette, stubbed it out on the floor and waved a hand to vanish it, before letting his head drop back against the cold stone wall and huffing out an anguished sigh.
"Believe me." He muttered eventually. "You don't want to know."
"That's not an answer." Neville challenged "And I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know."
Theo could feel his jaw clench, as a wave of annoyance coursed through him. Those bloody Gryffindors. Why did they always have to stick their noses into things that don't concern them?
"You think you want to know." He countered, fighting to keep his voice calm. "But if you knew even half of the things that are going through my head right now, you'd be disgusted. Your pure-of-gold Gryffindor heart couldn't take it."
Neville looked unconvinced, but Theo was sure of it. If the gentle Gryffindor knew the kind of things Theo was dealing with, the things he would soon be forced to do, he wouldn't just avoid him, he would despise him. And on top of it all, he would run straight to his little Order friends and rat him out.
"It has to do with Voldemort, doesn't it?" Neville whispered after a long moment of silence. It wasn't really a question, more of a statement, but his tone wasn't accusatory. If anything he sounded concerned and maybe a little sad.
"Don't say his name." Theo warned, his stomach churning at the mere sound of the offending moniker.
"Why?" Neville asked. "Dumbledore always said it's stupid to be scared of a name."
Theo nearly rolled his eyes, but caught himself just in time. What a stupidly Gryffindor thing to say. Of course, Neville would share the sentiment. He was beginning to think that his theory about the boy was true. He wasn't nearly as shy and awfully plain as Theo had thought. There was definitely something different about him now. A subtle confidence that was often paired with a tiny, roguish smirk that Theo had never noticed before. Except now that he had discovered it, he couldn't help but want to see it more often; to search for it during meal times in the Great Hall or during classes, and thinking about it in the evenings when he was alone in his bed and struggling to shut out all his terrifying thoughts about the war. ...It was quite the attractive smirk. A confident, yet sweet little smile that made the wizard's eyes sparkle and his cheeks dimple, and made Theo wholeheartedly, desperately, despise him for it. Because Theodore Nott had absolutely no business finding any boy attractive, let alone a Gryffindor. He had his duties to the family-name after all, and the last thing he needed was for his father to use his Legilimency skills on him and find out about his newly gained interest, which would undoubtedly lead to another attempt of him trying to torture Theo's perversions out of him. (because that had worked so well last time.)
"I just don't like it, okay?" Theo said, probably a little harsher than he had meant to, as he fought to push down the stupid flutter in his stomach that always seemed to appear now when he thought about Neville's confident smile. "It gives me the creeps."
The handsome Gryffindor pulled his lip between his teeth as he seemed to contemplate this, until he finally nodded.
"That's fair. You haven't answered my question though."
Theo let out an exasperated groan and pushed a hand through his wild curls. "Yeah well…have you ever thought that maybe I don't answer your questions, because I'm hoping that you'll eventually give up and stop asking them?"
He took a deep breath. He could feel himself getting emotional and that was never a good thing. He knew that he had a tendency for theatrics when he was in this kind of mood and that if he started to rant now he wouldn't be able to stop.
Don't do it. he told himself. Not in front of Longbottom!
But then he looked up at the startled looking Gryffindor, saw him open his mouth to say something and… he just couldn't help himself. The words just started to pour out of him.
"You know" He hissed, raising his hand to stop Neville from saying whatever he had wanted to say. "I understand that it might be hard for a Gryffindor to comprehend, but not everyone likes to talk about their feelings. Especially not with someone they barely know and have good reason not to trust. I mean, honestly…" He huffed out, exasperated. "Did you really think I'd lay out all of my innermost secrets before you? Just because it's late and I'm too tired to get up and walk away from you?"
He let out a humourless laugh. "Well, that's not going to happen. You know, I may be tired and exhausted and quite frankly terrified of what's to come. And yes, maybe I do feel like my head is going to explode if I don't talk to someone about it soon. But that doesn't mean I can tell you of all people! Not the high and mighty Gryffindor with the perfectly intact morals who treats everyone with an infuriating amount of kindness."
Theo knew he was getting off topic now, but he kept going anyway. "I mean, honestly, Longbottom. Do you have to be so...so... so bloody nice all the time? All of my friends have treated you like you're a disgusting piece of dirt for the past six years, including me. Don't you want to see me suffer even a little for that? ...Or are you just too inherently good to possess even an ounce of selfishness?"
As soon as he had finished, Theo felt nothing but regret. Good gods, he hadn't had an outburst like this in ages. Why had it have to happen now? And in front of Longbottom of all people.
He could feel himself flush a deep shade of red, his heart racing in his chest as he braced himself to look the other wizard in the eye.
When he finally met his gaze, Neville's eyebrows were raised into a comical expression. He looked both amused and confused, and a little like he didn't quite know how to react. Theo didn't blame him.
He thinks you're pathetic. He told himself, groaning internally as a renewed wave of embarrassment washed over him. Absolutely, irredeemably pathetic. Great... Why don't you just Avada yourself right here and now?
As it turned out Neville didn't seem to judge him for it though, because, of course, someone as nice as him wouldn't. Instead, the initial look of surprise on his face softened quickly and turned into something that teetered dangerously close to the border of affection, as he let out a soft chuckle.
"I actually can be quite selfish sometimes." He admitted, blushing a little. "Sometimes I really want something that I know I shouldn't have, but I don't care. I try and get it anyway." He gave Theo a meaningful look, as if he was trying to tell him something, but only shrugged and smiled when he didn't react, that adorable dimple in his right cheek showing again, as he shook his head. "But getting back at you and your friends isn't something I've ever wanted. I don't really see the point in that to be honest."
The admission had startled Theo into silence. He didn't really know what to say to that, so he just bit the inside of his cheek and nodded to indicate that he understood. Maybe Longbottom was a better person than Theo...no, he was definitely a better person than Theo... but in the end they were all just people. Real human beings who could feel and think all sort of things, and who sometimes had dreams and desires that others might have seen as selfish or morally grey.
For a brief moment he considered asking Neville what kind of things he wanted and why he thought he shouldn't have them, but then thought better of it.
"I..." he began, not entirely sure what he was going to say. He knew he should apologise for his ridiculous antics, but somehow couldn't find the courage in him to do so.
Luckily, Neville cut him off with a wave of his hand and smiled, seeming to understand what Theo was trying to do and not needing an apology.
"It's okay." He said, huffing out a small laugh and looking abashed. "It's my own fault. I can be a bit nosey sometimes."
He sighed and met Theo's gaze "But think I've probably bothered you enough for today, haven't I?"
When Theo didn't respond, he let out a small huff as he pushed himself off the floor, trying to brush the dust off his robes and straighten his tie, before he looked down at Theo with a shy smile.
"I won't ask anymore questions if that's what you want." He offered, and Theo nodded, despite not being sure if he was relieved or disappointed by the promise.
"But just so you know…" The tall Gryffindor added, pushing his hands into his pocket and looking a little sheepish. "I don't think I could ever be disgusted by you."
Theo didn't find himself able to reply to that, his chest growing uncomfortably tight and (to his utmost mortification) his eyes beginning to sting, as he hoped... maybe even /wished/ that Neville was telling the truth.
So instead of answering, he just swallowed thickly, desperately trying to keep his emotions in check, and nodded awkwardly, refusing to meet Neville's gaze until the friendly Gryffindor finally gave up, declined his head politely, like he always seemed to do, and walked away.