Lightning crashed outside the log cabin as Sonic's father walked inside to see the freshly born child splattered onto the floor. The boy was blue with green eyes and white gloves, because all hedgehogs are born with gloves on. Sonic's father was orange with blue eyes, and Sonic's mom was purple with brown eyes, so of course, this caused suspicion in the father as he bent down to inspect the writing blue baby hedgehog.
"Sonic's mom, are you sure this is our son?" asked Sonic's dad, looking up at Sonic's mom. "What are you trying to say, Sonic's dad, I cheated on you?" asked Sonic's mom defensively "Well, it's just that he looks like your boss, John Hedgehog. Also, you and I haven't made love in the last five years. Not to mention you made me get a vasectomy."
"Whatever, Sonic's dad, he's your son and we gotta decide what to name him. I'm thinking we will name him John." said Sonic's mom, picking up Sonic by the foot. Sonic's dad made a weird mustache sound and scratched his chin. "Maybe we should take him to Boomquifa the Bog Witch. She'll be able to tell where he came from."
So the couple rode off in the rain, being carried on the back of their neighbor Big Boy Bruno, a dog or whatever who cares. They walked all the way to the creepy swamp, filled with sewage, shit, horse guts, and other taco bell ingredients. They moved towards the small hut. The hut had vines and suspicious stains all over it. The sounds of swamp crackheads howling in the distance filled the air and the stench of rotting corpses and crusty body pillows bubbled in the swampy waters. Sonic's dad slowly knocked on the door. "Ms. Boomquifa, um, are you in there?" "TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, MY DING DONG SWINGS LIKE A GRANDFATHER CLOCK!" howled the witch from inside her hut.
The door swung open and the three travelers almost passed out from the stench of rot and decay in the air. They slowly walked in to see the witch. Since everyone in this universe has to be an animal or something, let's say she was a dolphin. She had gross green swampy skin that was peeling off to reveal bone, her eyes had turned ghostly white from years of watching strange foreign videos of giraffes and sitting too close to the screen. She wore moldy potato bags for clothes. Vomit dripped from her mouth and ear wax dripped from her eyes. She had grown legs from centuries of radioactive waste being dumped in her swamp. She also had fingers, not particularly gross fingers, but the fact that she was a dolphin with fingers was already gross by default. She giggled under her breath as she approached the three travelevers and their baby. "Nasty bitch…" Big Boy Bruno whispered under his breath.
"Why do you mortals enter the lair of Boomquifa the bog witch?" asked the hideous dolphin witch, rubbing her chin. Sonic's mom stepped forward. "Miss Boomquifa, can you prove that I didn't cheat on my husband? He thinks this child is not his." She held out the blue baby and Boomquifa looked over it. "This child…" Boomquifa said, going back to her spellbooks. "Let me see, I have a DNA test spell."
Boomquifa stepped over her cauldron, throwing in different essential oils and herbs and horse shit. She pressed the blend button and soon a thick green liquid bubbled in the cauldron. She took out her disgusting dolphin claws and slashed at Sonic's mom and Sonic's dad, gathering their blood and dripping it into the mixture. As she put the batter mixer in to mix up the potion, she grabbed the baby from the couple. "Give the boy to me, this will decide whether or not he is yours." Big Boy Bruno raised a finger asking "Wait, what are you gonna-" But before he could finish his sentence, the witch dropped the baby boy in the cauldron and turned the blender on, blending the child.
As the green potion turned red from the blood of the blended newborn, Sonic's dad screamed in terror. Sonic's mom had gotten distracted by a pair of funny looking crackheads having a knife fight outside, so she didn't notice their baby being blended.
Boomquifa poured the red liquid into a cake dish and put it in the oven. After about forty five minutes, she opened the oven, where the baby was now sitting, perfectly fine. Next to him was a red envelope. Boomquifa removed the envelope from the oven, opening it up. "Sonic's dad…" she said, trying to build up suspense. Sonic's mom, Sonic's dad, and Big Boy Bruno all stared at the red envelope, sweating. "...you are NOT THE FATHER!" Sonic's dad chuckled. "Good, I was worried I would have to take care of that ugly ass thing. And frankly, I was just looking for an excuse to divorce Sonic's mom." "Well, whenever you're ready to be with a real woman, you can hit me up." said Boomquifa, in an attempt to be seductive, but in reality, all this did was horrify Sonic's dad. He vomited on the floor as Sonic's mom scooped up the little blue hedgehog, knowing that her life was pretty much over. Boomquifa pointed a water pistol at Sonic's mom. "Three day blinding stew." she said, shooting Sonic's mom in the eye. Sonic's mom screamed in pain and horror, as she fell out of the door of the creepy witch hut, holding the baby in her arms, into the swamp.
She struggled to keep the child above water as her new ex-husband was puking from the sight of Boomquifa flirting with him. Boomquifa shot a stream of vomit as Sonic's dad, as Big Boy Bruno leapt out of the cabin to save the child. As Big Boy Bruno picked up the little blue baby, he looked down at Sonic's mom. "I'll find someone to take care of him, Sonic's mom. I promise." he said, looking down at the writing purple hedgehog. "Wait, I'm not dying or anything! Just carry me home!" "Nah, I'm good." said Bruno, running out of the swamp. "No! My baby! Bring him back! Nooooooooooo!" screamed Sonic's mom.
"Hey, I smell something!" said a creepy voice from the swamp. "It's a living person! We can sell her kidneys for crack! Cowabunga! Totally tubular!" said another. She couldn't see what was happening as the crackhead descended upon her. She could only scream as they tore out her kidneys, leaving her corpse on Boomquifa's doorstep.
Fifteen minutes later, Big Boy Bruno had carried the kid into the city, looking for some moron he could dump this ugly ass kid on. Suddenly, Boomquifa and Sonic's dad appeared behind them. Sonic's dad had a mushroom growing out of his head, because Boomquifa had infected him with her mushroom diseases. His mind was still conscious, but his body was under Boomquifa's control. "Me and my new husband want to be rid of that dastardly woman's legacy! So we will kill the child!" said Boomquifa. She pointed at Big Boy Bruno, prompting Sonic's dad to attack him and the little boy. "NO! You won't destroy this child! Also, I was also smashing your wife WHILE you were home! Remember when me and her would do taxes together? I haven't paid my taxes in years!" said Bruno, standing tall. Sonic's dad was furious, and he charged at Big Boy Bruno, but he was a beta male while Big Boy Bruno was a totally epic sigma male, so Big Boy Bruno, with one chop with his hand, sliced Sonic's dad in half, killing him instantly.
"NO! YOU'VE KILLED MY HUSBAND!" screamed Boomquifa, as bad guy lightning shot from her hands, sending Big Boy Bruno crashing to the ground. But suddenly, she had a vision of the future, and her eyes widened in fear. "No! It can't be! The child from the prophecy! I must destroy him!" screamed Boomquifa. She charged at the screeching baby, but suddenly good guy lightning shot down from the sky, blowing her up. "No! I'll be back!" she screamed as little bits of her flew everywhere.
The little blue hedgehog looked up into the clouds to see a lion ghost in the clouds staring down at him. "Child, I am your father, but like, your spiritual lion ghost father, and I command you to use the powers I will bestow upon you to slaughter everyone I don't like. You will kill millions, with zero mercy or any sense of guilt. And you will run. You will run so fast. You must train, go hit the little kids in your neighborhood, throw rocks at infants, steal cars to run over as many people. It's all for the greater good, because all your enemies will be the forces of evil. Go, my son. I dub you, my son, Nick."
The little blue hedgehog infant thing tilted his head. "Say that again?" "What, son Nick?" asked the ghost lion. That's when the author realized just how garbage this was gonna be.
Years passed, and the hedgehog grew to be like 3 feet tall, because he's a hedgehog. He would run around, hitting the neighborhood kids, throwing stones at the infants, and stealing cars to hit citizens with. Eventually, when he was ten years old, the community realized there was a crazy homeless kid going around hurting people for no reason, so they sent him to a christian school
The nuns at this school taught him to use his powers for good and only throw rocks at criminals, thieves, bad people, and homosexuals. They helped him train and taught him to have faith in Jesus. He learned to fight for the people of his town, but he never got a real name.
One dark rainy night, on his 18th birthday, he went out into the town to bring potato chips for the orphan children. He went to the dark rusty alleyway with his orphan friend Paul the Bear, a 12 year old. The buildings surrounding the alley were covered in suspicious stains and heroin needles, because the buildings themselves were addicted to heroin. Dead bodies littered the streets of the town, because crime had gone up in recent years. The hedgehog kept Paul close to him, knowing anyone could leap out of the shadows to kill them. "It's a nice night tonight, isn't it, Hedgehog?" asked Paul, looking up at the blue dude who still has no name. "Yes, but we need to hurry. The orphans need their salty greasy potatoes." said the blue hedgehog, his eyes darting around the alleyway.
Suddenly he saw the box full of potato chips, glistening, golden, ready to bring salvation to the poor orphan children. He bent down to pick them up, and as he turned towards Paul he saw a giant cockroach man had him by the throat. "H-h-h-help me!" begged Paul as the cockroach guy squeezed on his neck. "No! Let him go!" said the blue hedgehog. The cockroach guy laughed and brutally snapped Paul's neck, killing him instantly. The cockroach dropped Paul's corpse who landed, ironically, like a sack of potatoes. The blue hedgehog guy (gee I wonder what his name is) clenched his fist in rage, and he dashed towards the villain, knocking him to the ground. He began to punch him over and over again, gross cockroach guts flying all over the alleyway. "You killed Paul Bear! Die you son of a bitch!" screamed the blue hedgehog guy, beating the cockroach to a bloody pulp.
He turned towards Paul Bear, staring down at the crumpled orphan, the pile of guts and bones that had once been his best friend, his brother. He fell to his knees sobbing. "It's all my fault, Paul Bear. I should've been faster." He picked up Paul Bear's corpse and the box of potato chips and ran back to the christian orphanage school thingy. He opened the doors, tears still streaming down his face. The nuns and the orphans gasped in horror at the sight of the young lad who had been brutally crushed like a coke can. "Who did this atrocity?" asked generic nun #1. "It was some random cockroach guy. He killed Paul Bear and I beat him within an inch of his life… I should've been faster…" said blue guy, still crying at the loss of his dear friend Paul Bear.
"Sonic… we haven't been completely honest with you…" said the head nun. "Sonic?" asked Blue Guy, questioning the name. "Ya see… you could've been fast enough but we never taught you how to unlock your super speed you got from your lion ghost dad." said the head nun, bowing her head sadly. "Lion ghost dad? I thought that was just a hallucination I had when I was a baby!" said blue man. "We were told to watch you and not tell you about your fabulous secret powers until you were 18… we were gonna tell you when you got home with Paul Bear tonight…" Sonic fell to his knees. "So my name is Sonic then?" asked Sonic. "Yes, I'm sure you have a lot of questions about all this." said generic nun #2. "Well, I'm mostly relieved I don't have to be 'blue guy' anymore. Too bad about Paul Bear though." said Sonic, chuckling.
"Now it's time to send you away to unlock your superpower, Sonic." said generic nun #1. "But generic nun #1, who'll take care of all these orphans?" asked Sonic. "What if bandits or child murderers come to massacre you all?" asked Sonic, concern shining in his eyes. "Go use your powers to build a world where we won't have to worry about things like that." said the head nun. "Well, how do I unlock my powers?" asked Sonic. "They will come to you when the time is right.." said the head nun. "Now go, the world needs you." she pointed outside, sending Sonic out the door. Sonic turned back at his family, the people who raised him one last time. The orphans and the nuns waved goodbye to Sonic as he walked off, proudly ready to face the world. He knew he would travel far and wide, and nobody would stand in his way.
Sonic took two steps out of the orphanage and bumped into a military recruiter. The recruiter stared down at Sonic. The recruiter said "You, boy, how old are you?" "I just turned eighteen today." "And do you have a name?" "Sonic, sir. I got that name about five minutes ago." "Well good, we needed just ONE more soldier, and all that's required is that you be eighteen and have a name. We were about to recruit another guy we heard lived down the street, but now you're joining the United States of Sonicshomecountry military." Sonic was confused. "Wait, there's a war?" "Yes, now you're about to fight it or we shoot you!" said the man.'
He led Sonic to a jeep which drove him into a helicopter, which flew onto a boat, and that boat got tied to balloons that led him to a facility on Angel Island. Sonic stepped out of the jeep, seeing all the other jeeps filled with other mutant animal people things, and stepped out of the helicopter, seeing other helicopters filled with jeeps, filled with mutant animal people things, and he stepped off the boat- you get it by now. The island floated high above the sea, and was covered in ancient structures and lush green jungle. Sonic saw the inside of the military base camp, which was gray, cold, lifeless, and covered in propaganda, most of which had soldiers slaughtering small villages full of defenseless children.
Anyways, all the mutant animal people things got in the center of the base camp where Jim Armyguy was waiting to address them. "Hello, we decided we wanted to go to war yesterday with Angel Island. We don't have any time to train you, so get in line for your guns, your uniforms, and the micro bombs we will place at the base of your skull. We've assigned you all to teams. Abandon these teams, the mission, or your country, and your commanding officer will be authorized to press your button, exploding your head."
Sonic got in line and stood there for hours. He thought about his life until now. It had barely begun and he was already in line to go to war. He was worried. Would he die in this war? Would he never see those nuns or his orphan friends again? Would he live without making a world where someone like Paul Bear wouldn't have to die? Did he leave the oven on at home?
Sonic looked in front of him at the guy standing ahead of him in line. "Hey, what's this war all about anyways?" asked Sonic to the mouse standing in front of him. The mouse turned towards him. "Well, Sonicshomecountry wants the chaos emeralds, that's pretty much it. And the stupid people who live in this country don't want us to do that, so they send us to slaughter them and burn their villages down." said the mouse in front of him. "Wait, but isn't that evil?" asked Sonic. "Nah. Dog-eat-echidna world out there. What's your name anyways, kid?" said the mouse, looking back at him. "Sonic. Yours?" said Sonic, still skeptical about the whole war. "Name's Will. I'm gonna start a business killing endangered ocean animals."
"NEXT GROUP!" yelled a doctor. Two soldiers grabbed Will, Sonic, and a few other guys and strapped them down to a chair. The doctors injected the bombs into the backs of their heads. Sonic got up and grabbed his new rifle. It was long, hard, and black, no pause. Sonic watched a five minute youtube tutorial, got strapped into his uniform, loaded all his weapons into a duffel bag, and got sent out to his room where his team would be. Will walked up to him. "Yo, blue!" "Don't call me blue, I didn't spend eighteen years being called blue to continue being called blue." "Sorry, anyways, what group do you have?" "Group S-6-9." "Me too! So, we're gonna die together." chuckled Will. The two walked to room 609, where their team was. "Wait, I need to tie my boots, continue without me, I'll catch up." said Will. Sonic walked towards the door where he saw an orange fox with two tails standing outside the door.
"Gee, they'll really let anyone into the army these days…" muttered Sonic under his breath. "Hey, how's it going, man?" asked Sonic to the fox. The fox adjusted his nerd glasses because he's a nerd. "Uh, hey. Have you seen a fox with two heads around here?" "No, can't say I have. Name's Sonic." Sonic held out his hand and the orange fox shook it. "Name's Miles. Miles Hussien Prower." "I'm gonna call you Tails, because of your genetic mutation you deformed walnut." said Sonic, dropping the smile. "Oh." said Tails, also dropping his smile. The two stared at each other for a solid five minutes, awkward silence filled the halls. "So, who's this two headed fox you're talking about?" asked Sonic. "Oh, my brothers Joe and Donald. We were supposed to be born triplets, but two heads got one body and two tails got one body." explained Tails.
Sonic walked off for a good five minutes and returned, holding the two headed fox's arm, dragging them towards Tails. "Miles, Donald is being a little-" suddenly a gunshot was heard and Joe and Donald's heads were blown clean off, smoke rising from the stumps. Sonic and Tails stared in horror. "Oh, sorry," said a fat purple cat raising his hand. "Safety was off." He waddled his way towards Sonic and Tails. Sonic turned towards him. "Well, turn it back on before you shoot someone else!" Tails stared down at the corpse of his brothers. "Y-you shot my brothers." "Nice shooting, cadet!" said Colonel Hamburger Colon, walking down the halls. He kicked the dead foxes out of his way. Sonic put his arm on Tails' shoulder trying to comfort him. "It's a real shame too, I would've called them Heads while we were on the battlefield." Tails looked up at Sonic. "My brothers are dead, Sonic." "Well, my kinda sorta brother died too, but at least yours was an accident. Now cheer up, we have a war to fight!"
It was at this point that Colonel Hamburger Colon addressed his team. "Alright, team. Our mission is to acquire the red emerald. It is hidden inside Knuckles Pee Chew, an old crusty echidna city. You will go by helicopter and sneak up through their giant stairs. Get into the city, go into every building and shoot every echidna you see until you find that emerald. Fail to complete the mission, you die. Abandon your team, you die."
Sonic was a bit nervous. As he and his team cleared out of the room he realized that he was about to take the lives of thousands of echidna folk. His team walked into the courtyard where a big red helicopter was waiting. Bullet holes riddled the side of it and in silver letters read "The Tornado." The team stepped into the helicopter and strapped in. Colon stepped into the helicopter with a female bird or whatever, holding a scimitar sword in her hand. "This is Scimitar the seagull. She's got my back. I would advise not being killed by her. Her sword traps the souls of her victims."
"Wait, there's no pilot for this thing." said Tails, raising his finger. "Be the change you want to see in the world, you little shit!" said Colon. "Wait, but I don't know how to fly this thing!" said Tails. Colon pulled out a device that had different names under different buttons. He held his finger over "Miles H. Prower," ready to press the button. "I'd advise you figure it out."
Tails frantically pressed buttons, trying to start the helicopter. Then he saw a big red button with the word ON written on it. He pressed it and the helicopter lifted from the air. It moved very slowly, often crashing into things and misfiring missiles at small villages on the island. Tails had accidentally drawn first blood. Well, second if you count that fatass cat shooting Joe and Donald.
"Alright, as we embark, introduce yourselves." said Colon. "My name's Alex the lion, and I'm bisexual." said a zesty lion dude, raising his hand. An ugly ass old orange turtle covered in wrinkles raised his hand. "I'm Turtleman Stanbrooks and I'm bisexual." A coati with an Irish accent and a scar across his cheek raised his hand. "The name's Ajax Dingleberry, and I'm bisexual." A toad raised his hand. "I'm gay. And I'm bisexual." A hound dog wearing a cowboy hat raised his hand. "Howdy, my name's Cleetus Oakland, and I'm bisexual." A rooster with purple eyes raised his gross rooster wing. "My name's Ebola Prince, and I'm bisexual." Will raised his gross rat hand. "I'm Will Mouse, and I'm bisexual." The fat purple cat raised his hand. "I'm Big the cat, and I'm bisexual." A big buff bulldog raised his hand. "I'm Mr Jaw, and I'm bisexual." Tails raised his hand from the pilot seat. "I'm Miles and I'm bisexual." A chipmunk with no soul in his eyes raised his hand. "I'm Alvin and the chipmunks, and I'm bisexual." Sonic raised his hand. "I'm Sonic. And I'm heter-"
"You're bisexual, we know," said Colon. "Now it's time to get ready, we're close to the lake." The door to the helicopter slid open as the group put on their parachutes. Cleetus had a realization. "Wait a minute, I don't think any of us know how to-" Before the dog could finish his sentence, Colon shoved him out, and Cleetus fell into the lake like a stone, screaming the whole way. As he surfaced the piranhas came and began stripping him of his flesh. "Wait, if we're all getting down, who'll pilot the helicopter?" asked Ebola Prince. "I will." said Ajax. He pulled Tails out of the pilot seat and sat down, holding the joystick. The others jumped out of the helicopter, falling into the river and embarking towards the mountain. "I'm coming down now, lads! Give me a minute! My bootlace is stuck!" yelled Ajax. He tried to untangle his boot, but he jerked the joystick, sending the helicopter falling towards the group. "INCOMING!" yelled Colon. The group ran away from the falling helicopter towards the mountain.
The helicopter crashed down and burst into flames. The charred screams of Ajax erupted from the fire as the propellers pushed the broken copter through the river. The team ran as fast as they could, but Gay the toad tripped over a rock and was caught in the propellers, grinding him into a fine paste. The gang finally made it to the mountain and began the climb. As they climbed, Ebola Prince passed out from being too bisexual, so Sonic had to pull him up.
They got to the top of the mountain and the echidnas were there waiting for them in the city. They immediately started firing, shooting Turtleman in the chest with all their firepower, killing him instantly. The team started shooting at the echidnas who manned machine guns aimed at them. "Don't worry team, I got this!" said Scimitar, grabbing her scimitar and charging. Unbeknownst to Scimitar, a sword does not block bullets, so she was immediately turned to hamburger meat. Sonic and Tails ducked behind a rock. "HOLY FUCK!" yelled Sonic as a bullet whizzed by. Tails watched in horror as Ebola Prince was dragged away and violently gutted.
"No! Not like this!" said Alex, running back down the hill. "Alex, get back here!" said Colon, taking out his machine with the red buttons. He hovered his finger above Alex's red button. "No! No, I can't! NO!" screamed Alex. "Alex, you are abandoning your post, get back over here NOW!" yelled Colon. "No no no no no!" screamed Alex. Colon pressed the button and Alex's head exploded in a red mist. His corpse plopped into the water, and the piranhas swam toward it, ready to skeletonize him.
Soon it was just Colon, Will, Big, Tails, Sonic, and Alvinandthechipmunks. The echidnas kept getting closer to the team, and the team was running out of ammo. Blue electricity sparked from Sonic's hands. He grabbed Tails and used him as a human shield. "Wait wha-" Tails screamed as bullets ripped through his flesh. But somehow, the bullets missed every vital organ and the echidnas all had to reload. Sonic dropped the bleeding fox onto the floor as more electricity came off of him. Suddenly Sonic started to move fast, really fast. He ran into the echidna soldiers, liquefying them. He ran so fast through the city, unable to control his powers. Buildings crumbled from the sheer speed and power coming from Sonic. Soon everyone in the city was dead. Sonic stopped with the group who surrounded him.
"Wow, you killed all those oily soldiers, even the innocent civilians, Sonic! Boy, when I look at you I feel a little less bisexual and a little more homosexual!" said Alvin from Alvin and the chipmunks."
"Guys, this is evil, this whole war is evil. We have to stop going to war. I'm leaving." said Sonic, throwing down his helmet. "You're right, Sonic." said Mick, throwing down his rifle. "No! You're staying here and killing more red trash! The chaos emerald is in our grasp!" said Colon, trying to press the button. That's when he looked down at his hand and realized that Sonic ripped it off with his super speed.
Big walked over to Sonic. "Wow, it's a good thing that you got rid of his hand! Now none of our heads will b-" Sonic grabbed the remote and blew up Big's head, killing him. He then looked over to Tails, who was still bleeding. "There, I avenge your brothers. Now, are we cool?" "I-I guess."
"Well, let's get out of- whoops!" Sonic accidentally pressed Alvin's button, blowing up Alvin's head. "Uh, Alvin, are you alright?" asked Tails, looking at the corpse. "S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-Sonic… I'm dying… I need you to go look after my younger cousin… she's 30 years younger than I am." "Aren't you like 48 or something? That would make her 18, that's a grown ass woman. I don't need to look after shit." "Just please, bring her this." Alvin took a mysterious brown box out of his backpack. "Well, fine. But where is she?"
"She lives in Central City. She's the mayor's daughter and she has a great personality." said Alvin. "If she's anything like you, I know she's the nastiest fucking thing to ever walk to earth. Goodbye, Alvin." said Tails, shooting Alvin, putting him out of his misery. "Well, guess it's you, me and Will now, huh?" said Sonic. "No, Will is missing and Colon's over there still alive." "Nah, he'll bleed out any minute now, let's just go."
"Wait, what about Mr Jaw?" "Who cares, he's probably dead." said Sonic. Meanwhile Mr Jaw sat in a bush, waiting. "Soon.."