\\Shikamaru\\
I remember very little about the last three days. I've been in a trance since the accident. I go to visit Tema every day, even with classes and work I can't stay away.
The doctors say it's only a matter of time before her body recovers from the shock, and the chances of her waking up are high. But every day that passes, and the marks on her body only seem to get worse, I believe in science less and less.
I started praying, which I hadn't done for years, and decided to write about my fears. I learnt a long time ago that it's one of the best ways to deal with my feelings.
I've been isolating myself from others, as if I were mourning a person who isn't even dead.
The problem that consumes me is that I'm here suffering and I don't even know if when she wakes up she'll want to see my face, I've been a real idiot and she has every reason to hate me, while I suffer from having realised too late that being an idiot isn't always the best option.
The next thing I know, I'm holding a guitar and a pen and paper in front of me, determined to do something I never thought I'd do again. I write, the most real and profound way I have of expressing my feelings. I think the last time I did it was when I was around seventeen. It's funny to think that I always write for the same reasons, either out of love or out of a broken heart.
Feelings come out easily, no matter how much I try to distance myself from music, it's in my blood and always shows my most vulnerable side. Once the groundwork was done, I moved on to the hard part, admitting what I feel and who I am. My hand trembles as I let go of everything I've held in for the last few years and what I've been unravelling over the last few weeks, although now I realise that maybe it's been months and I've just suppressed my feelings, burying them along with the me of the past.
Tears start streaming down my face and I wipe them away quickly so as not to wet the paper. When I read what I've written, I can't understand how I've managed to hide it all from the world, the words have slipped easily from my thoughts onto the page. My emotions were exhausted and I ended up falling asleep in bed, even though it was still late in the afternoon, and truth be told I don't sleep much at night.
I wake up to the sound of my mobile phone ringing, and I'm confused to see that it's an unknown number.
-Yes?- I ask confused as I answer - Who is this?
- Shikamaru! - I hear a masculine but tearful voice on the other end of the line - Shikamaru, she's awake! She's well, I thought you'd like to know. - I almost drop the mobile phone with the realisation of what those words mean and who is talking to me.
- Thank you Mr Sabaku, I'll be there in less than twenty minutes!- I reply and get up to grab my coat and keys. I hang up the call and hurry up the stairs, but before, I stop I look indecisively at the simple envelope that just says Tema in my horrendous handwriting that doesn't do justice to its beautiful name, I decide to take it, after all this is what I wrote it for.
- My physiotherapist is going to hate me for this!- I admit as I grab my helmet and get on the bike.
I'm travelling on automatic, anxious to reach my destination. I think seeing her well will be the only thing that can calm the tightness in my chest.
The journey takes less time than with an Uber and I head to reception following the same ritual as every day, giving my name, saying who I've come to see and signing some papers. My legs are shaking, I don't know if from pain and tiredness or from fear and anticipation. All the way there I was thinking about what she's going to say when she sees me, if I'm such a bad person that she'll never speak to me again.
When I reach the room door, the corridor is empty, and I sigh loudly in an idiotic attempt to calm my nerves. I push open the door afraid of what awaits me, her father is still there, facing away from me, and when my gaze meets Tem's I can't decipher whether she's happy, angry or just confused, but it catches her father's attention and when he sees me he stands up.
- I'm going to leave you two alone, I think you have a lot to talk about!- he leaves without even giving me a chance to reply and silence settles over the room. My walls are crumbling and my vision is starting to blur with the tears that are threatening to fall.
- I really thought I was going to lose you. - I tell her without getting an answer, she just stares at me, with fewer tubes and marks, she's more recognisable – I'm... I'm an idiot, but you probably know that by now. - I mutter the words that hurt my ego - I think the universe loves to remind me that we only realise how stupid we are when it's too late. - I sigh before continuing, I have to say these words while being vulnerable and honest - And how much we love someone only when we've lose them! - I wait for a reaction, any reaction, a punch, a hug, just a raised eyebrow would be enough, but nothing happens - I guess at least this time I've been given a second chance!
- I thought you weren't coming - that's the almost inaudible reply I get, my God, her voice is almost unrecognisable - You're the first to show up.
- Your father called me, and I came running, I've been here every day Tema! I couldn't stand the sight of you, but I couldn't not know if you were going to get better! - I say, approaching the bed where she still lies.
- Did my father call you? He's not supposed to know who you are. - she ignores all my confessions and it's like a stab in the heart, I feel like I'm living my traumas all over again.
- Tem, I'm being as honest as possible with you, I didn't want to, but the fear of losing you made me realise that I can't live without you! I know I've been stupid to you, and you may hate me forever, but I had to tell you! I'm going to leave this letter here, you can read it whenever you want or burn it if you feel like it, but it says everything I can't say, it has written who I am, the most naked and true version of me, I didn't want to say goodbye without you knowing it. - she doesn't pull away when I kiss her forehead, let alone say anything in protest, but the tear that falls down her cheek just breaks another part of my heart, giving me the answer I so desperately wanted.
- I hope it's not the last, but... goodbye my princess! - I say, drying her tear and leaving the room.
Outside, the number of people has increased, Ino hugs me without getting an answer and Sasuke, Kiba and Tenten are waiting to go in, she was discharged yesterday and is much better than Temari.
- How did it go? - Ino asks, containing her anxiety.
- I'm not sure, I was as honest as I could be, it's all up to her now! - I reply and turn my attention to Mr Sabaku - Thank you for everything, you have an amazing daughter.
- Oh, I know, she can't hide anything from me, I'm sure she'll give you a second chance! - he says with a hand on my shoulder and I laugh weakly at his comment.
- It's more like the fifth chance, I don't deserve her! - I say sadly and head for the exit.
Part of me stayed in this hospital today, at least part of my heart. I have no idea how she'll react to the letter, let alone to my words. But now I have no excuses for the state I'm in, I did what I thought was right and now I must get on with my life.
I drive home more calmly and when I get inside Chouji is on the sofa watching the news before school - How is she? - he asks worriedly.
- Much better, but still a long way from cured. - I admit, sitting down next to him.
- And how are you?
- A bit shattered, but a lot better too, I've taken a big weight off my shoulders, now it's her turn to make a decision. - I say and for the first time in days I consider going to class – Are going to university?
- Yes, I'm leaving at 10.00. - he says.
- Can you drive me there? - I ask hesitantly.
- You want to go to class? I was going to walk, but yes, I'll drive you! - he looks at me surprised.
- I've got to get back on track, I don't want to have to do another year of school. - I admit. We're coming to the end of the year, I can't go off the rails now.
It's still half an hour until 10, so I go back to my room to make myself more presentable, I didn't even have time to do that when I rushed out earlier. When I finish, I'm alone with my thoughts. Will she read it? Will it mean anything? Because it means a lot to me. I think back over everything I've written and wonder if I could have added anything.
"Dear Temari Sabaku,
I feel like I owe you a big explanation, not for our silly arguments, for that my giant ego has no excuses, but about why I am who I am. And above all why I'm so afraid to love, to love someone as I love you!
The truth is that I can't put into words how broken I am inside, so I refuse to get attached to people. When I went to university, I made a promise to live life to the fullest, but in my head that meant fucking everyone without getting into a relationship because that would keep my heart safe. But you came along and that changed, my biggest fear came true and now I've not only become attached to you and our relationship, I've fallen in love like never before in my life.
The truth is that I only made this decision because my heart is broken, and without even trying, and without me realising it, you managed to restore part of it. Before college I wasn't the popular one and the fuck-all, I was the quiet one who loves music and is good at sport but doesn't have many friends. My family meant everything to me and to this day I blame myself for pushing them away. My parents were madly in love with each other and although he had little time because of work, my father made a point of taking me and my sister everywhere, I was the lamest and happiest teenager around.
Everything changed when I was 16, I fell in love with one of my classmates, she was beautiful, nice and funny, what more could I ask for? When I finally plucked up the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend, I couldn't believe it when she said yes. We lived the perfect teenage love full of crazy and silly love, cute dates and I even lost my virginity one very embarrassing afternoon. For a year I had everything in my life, I had new friends, a girlfriend and a loving family. But everything changed when at the end of my penultimate year of school the truth came out, the truth was that my girlfriend didn't love me and was only with me out of pity and I was cheated on a few times and all my "friends" knew. I was heartbroken, when you take perfection out of someone's life it's almost impossible to go back to the way things were before.
The worst came two weeks later, when I was recovering a little, my father had a car accident and didn't survive, so I was so afraid of your condition, I thought the universe was going to give me an even bigger punishment and make me lose two people I love in the same cruel way. When my father died my heart broke into a thousand pieces, he was my best friend, the only one who believed in me and my dreams, he said I could live my dreams and work in the company at the same time, he would only leave when I was ready. However, he didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye to him when he left so young.
I started missing school and not sleeping at night, my mum and sister started to get better and they had to see me in that state. I was diagnosed with depression and so I lived my last year of secondary school, I got average grades with little study but I lived isolated even from my family, I was never able to play the drums or guitar again, my father was too attached to music, but I couldn't get rid of the guitar either, it was the last gift he gave me, so I have to take it with me, it's like part of him is with me.
What saved me, ironic as it is, was the fear of losing my younger sister. The summer before I started college, she was diagnosed with leukaemia and started treatments early, when her hair started falling out and my heart broke a little more she just asked me to live my life as Dad always told us, making the best of what it has.
Fortunately, she's out of danger today, but underneath the façade I'm still broken, and I thought I was incapable of love, until you came along.
There's no way that we could rewind, maybe there's nothing after that night that could make you stay. But now that I'm broken and now that you know it, can you see me inside? Because I have a jet black heart and there's a hurricane underneath it trying to keep us apart, I write with a poison pen, but these chemicals moving between us are the reasons to start again.
The blood in my veins is made up of mistakes, but let's forget who we are and our horrendous pasts, all I ask is that we return to life and admit that we love each other, because I know that, despite everything, you also feel what I feel and you're also broken like me!
Everything depends on you, princess, and I'm begging you for a new chance to start again together.
Forever yours,
Shikamaru Nara"
- Are you okay? - Chouji asks from my bedroom door.
- Not really. - I admit and realise that it's already ten o'clock and I get up - Let's go. - he nods and we make our way to the university. I don't even remember what classes are like anymore, but I kind of miss putting up with my cousin.
The week went by and I got better, despite everything I felt like I've taken a big weight off my shoulders by telling my story.
I apologised to my friends too, after all, I was an idiot to them too.
Temari's father texted me yesterday, Friday, to say that she had been discharged and was already at home. I thanked him and my anxiety returned, now she's no longer stuck in hospital, if she wants to talk to me and talk about us she'll have complete freedom.
Something was bothering me and I had to ask Tenten for a certain person's mobile number.
- Hello? - they ask on the other end of the phone.
- Yes, is this Lee? I'm Temari's idiot ex who threw a tantrum when he saw you two talking. - I say with a sigh.
- Yes, I remember that well! - I can almost hear him rolling his eyes on the other end of the line.
- I just wanted to apologise, I was very insecure and stupid without you deserving it.
- Of course, no problem, I don't think it's me you need to apologise to. - he replies in a lighter tone.
- I've dealt with that too, but I wanted to do the right thing, I'm trying to improve. And congratulations on the baby!
- Thank you. - he says enthusiastically - It's been incredible, and tiring too.
- I believe you. - I say with a slight laugh - I hope to see you in the near future to apologise seriously.
- Don't worry, your apologies have been taken, thanks for the call.
- You're welcome! - we say goodbye and I hang up the call. One less thing on the list.
I move on to the next thing and take the guitar out of the wardrobe, no more hiding the things I love, that's no life to live. Now it won't go back in the wardrobe until the end of the course.
I didn't go to any parties, I didn't feel like it either. Instead, I spent Friday and Saturday dealing with backlogs of work, which helped me put my mind on other worries.
On Sunday I spent the day with the lads who volunteered to cheer me up, without football and women I have too much free time.
The five of us watched games like we hadn't done for ages and played cards and beer pong all afternoon. At night I let them go out with their girlfriends and even Sasuke and Kiba went out, which made me raise an eyebrow suspiciously.
Now it's Monday and classes are back as normal, but inside this building I'm always more afraid, I don't know if she won't turn up or if she'll turn up and everything I've feared comes true.
Ino forgave me a long time ago, so at least time with her has been pleasant, I don't even mind listening to her talk about Sai endlessly.
At lunchtime I eat with my football colleagues, I prefer to keep in touch and at least be happy for them, I hope that my efforts are recognised and that we win the championship.
In the afternoon I don't have any classes and I get a lift home from Kiba. When I arrive, we each go to our own rooms and I get back to my college work, wasting hours listening to music while I try to concentrate.
I hear the doorbell ringing in the background and I just ignore it, until there's a knock on my door.
- I think it's for you! - says Kiba, leaving me confused.
I stop what I'm doing and open the front door. I find the air escaping from my lungs when, as I open the door, I meet Tema's gaze.
- Hi, I think we need to talk! - she says and I just nod, opening the door for her to come in. I sigh before closing the door even though my nerves are still there. This is when I'm going to die or be reborn, it all depends on her.