Author's note: CW emetophobia

X

It was very strange to go to Magical Theory without Sirius. Remus hugged his satchel tightly as he approached the room on Saturday evening, wondering if he'd even be allowed in. Perhaps Sirius's ban extended to him. This was the first lesson of the year, and the only one in January due to the holidays and the Hogsmeade visit.

Chang pursed his lips when Remus walked into the room, but said nothing. Remus nervously sat down, feeling rather exposed. At least Rivers sat down next to him like usual, and then Remus froze when he realized Magpie usually sat on the other side. A moment later she came in, staring intently at him. He looked down at his desk and paper, trying his best to appear inconspicuous. Finally she sat down—not next to him but as far away as she could get. The seat next to him remained empty; as did the one behind him, which was where Sirius usually sat.

Even though he had missed the last lesson, and hadn't gotten very good notes, he didn't have much to catch up on. Most of what they discussed he already knew, and he was able to get back into the groove of things easily. The only problem was Chang decided to pick on him, probably because of Sirius; Remus was called for almost every question and Chang looked a little irritated when Remus kept getting them right.

During the second part of the lesson, Chang talked a lot about old, ancient spells versus the more modern spells. They theorized why some spells changed over time while others remained the same. Soon, however, an argument ensued when they began discussing the possibility of some modern spells existing a long time ago without anybody knowing. Chang listened to both sides and then took a vote. Remus voted with the side stating that 'modern' spells existed in older times because really, it made sense; not everyone recorded their invented spells for future use.

Then Remus's blood ran cold when Chang said, "Why don't we have a debate? One for each side of the coin." His eyes grazed across the room, and Remus shrank back, knowing he was going to be picked and sure enough… "For the yes side, how about Lupin? And for the naysayers… Snape."

No.

Snape looked uncomfortable, but he stood up anyway. All eyes went to Remus who couldn't move.

"Lupin?" Chang asked, raising his eyebrows.

"I—I—I—" He swallowed, curling his fingers into the palms of his hands. "I'd ra-rather n-n-n—rather not, please."

"It's just a friendly debate," Chang said.

The thought of standing up in front of everyone and debating someone—Snape or otherwise—made him want to throw up. His entire body felt clammy and itchy, and his feet twitched as if they wanted to start running. Everyone was still staring at him. Next to him, Rivers was giving him an encouraging smile. But he couldn't. He couldn't.

Instead he slid down in his seat, shaking his head, going beet red, and trying not to cry. There were a few snickers and Chang hushed them. "Very well. Vasileiou? Zeus, I mean."

The Vasileiou twin got up, going to the front of the room where he proceeded to state his opinion. It wasn't very strong, and Remus knew he could do a better job and in fact was mentally adding things to the speech in his head. Then Snape spoke, so quietly that Chang asked him to speak up. Snape scowled, and spoke a little louder. He wasn't very convincing either, and in the end most of the students agreed that Vasileiou had made a better case. Themis Alexander even said, after Chang dismissed everyone, that the only reason she changed her mind was because Snape was a twat.

Snape heard her and his face darkened a little. He opened and closed his mouth a few times then stormed past, bumping purposely into her as he went but not saying anything except for 'coward' as he went by Remus.

When Remus returned to his friends and told them about what happened, Sirius grew enraged and threatened to do something awful to Chang. He begged him not to, saying it would cause more trouble than it was worth, and pointed out they had more important things to do like work on Monday's prank and also brainstorm for Valentine's day.

He felt uncomfortable for the rest of the night and kept scratching at his arms, still feeling all those eyes on him. When he went to sleep that night he had nightmares about everyone staring at him, and Chang demanding he stand up and state why werewolves shouldn't be executed. He soon realized the voice wasn't Chang's, but his father's, and Chang turned into Lyall.

"That's what you get for having friends," his father snarled, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. He pointed at Sirius who was locked up in a birdcage. "Idiots like that causing trouble, it's only going to cause YOU trouble! Chang was mad at you because of HIM! You're going to be expelled and if you come home then I'm sending you to the MINISTRY because you can't even say why you SHOULDN'T BE KILLED you PATHETIC LOSER!"

Remus woke up with a strangled gasp as his father started closing his hands around his neck. His own hands flew up, half-expecting to feel fingers there or even bruises… but there was nothing.

Bloody. He got out of bed to go to the loo and as he passed Sirius's bed, Sirius asked him if he was all right. "Yes," he promised. "I just need a wee, that's all." He padded into the bathroom and, after emptying his bladder and washing his hands, he rubbed warm water on his neck where he could still feel his father's hands.

X

Who exactly would be the victim of the dancing prank was still being argued on Sunday. All of them initially wanted to prank the Potions classroom, but Remus pointed out that it could be dangerous if some ingredients were knocked around. Sirius suggested Charlemagne, while James wanted to have fun with Flitwick. Peter didn't really care. Remus kept dismissing their suggestions until James snapped at him that he had shot down every single member of staff.

"I don't want to prank the teachers!" he protested.

"It's not a mean one, or bad," Sirius pointed out, tossing his hair back. "It's more on the students anyway."

Remus tugged at his lip. "I suppose that's true, although I expect you'll want to do the teacher's desk too. You know what? I don't care, you three decide, I'll go along with whatever—whomever you choose."

They ultimately decided on Flitwick, since it had been practice for his class that inspired the prank. Once that was settled, James stood up and said, "There's another matter we need to discuss and that is Pete's birthday." Peter blushed a little, looking rather pleased. "Sirius and I both have detention tomorrow and Remus, you help Frenchie—"

"Jean-Marie."

"—on Monday evenings so do we want to do something after all of that or earlier in the day or do we want to do something tonight?" He swung around to look at Peter. "What would you prefer?"

"Oh!" Pete covered his face with embarrassment. "I don't know! What works best for you really."

Sirius poked at him. "It's your birthday. What would you prefer?"

He wrung his hands, casting anxious looks around at the others. "I—I don't know, I don't like making decisions," he whimpered. "I'll be fine with what you want. We don't even need to do anything—"

"Nonsense!" James interrupted him. "Of course we do! Marauder birthdays are very important."

Peter wrinkled his forehead. "We could… do something for lunch…?"

James and Sirius both nodded. "Right, big birthday lunch celebration."

"At least this birthday will be better than last year's for you," Remus said.

Pete made a face at that and clutched at his side where his appendix had been removed. "Urgh, don't remind me! But you guys gave me a terrific party. It was brilliant."

Remus was the one voted to go talk to the house-elves about having a cake made, since he and Peter were the ones who got along best with them and it didn't seem fair to make Pete do any planning. So he headed down to the kitchens and found Iddi. She happily agreed to have a big cake ready at noon the next day and kept squeaking when he tried thanking her.

After he left, he stuck his hands in his pockets and shuffled along slowly trying to figure out what to get Peter on such short notice. He had sort've forgotten Peter's birthday was so soon; he kept thinking it was at the end of the month, but that was Lily. He had been planning on getting something on the upcoming Hogsmeade visit, since he thought he had had time. He supposed he could sneak into Hogsmeade then shuddered at the thought, feeling rather ill. He could say he was buying something at the end of the week… but he felt bad since that sounded like he had forgotten. Even though that was exactly what was going on.

He ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to think of what all he had. He had some sweets, though that didn't feel like it would be enough. He had started knitting a pair of socks for himself. If he worked really hard and late into the night he might be able to finish them by the next day. Except Peter wasn't really a big fan of the color purple.

I could change the color, he thought, chewing at his thumbnail as he stared up at a landscape painting. There was a knight rushing around in the background, sword fighting with a fence post for some reason. His permanent color spells were pretty good and by the time it might start fading they'd probably be too small for Pete anyway.

Remus ran the rest of the way back to the dorms, face flushed and slightly out of breath when he burst back into the dorm room. He also had blood smeared on his sleeve from where he had fallen and scraped open his palm. Sirius began fussing about it and Remus waved him off, going to wash his sleeve and hands quickly before fishing out the pair of socks. He felt a little uncomfortable as he sat down and began knitting, even though he knew they didn't care that he knitted; Fawley had been right, they seemed to love the stuff he made for them.

He spent every spare moment he could working on the socks and after supper planned on getting right back to it once they were in their dorm, however when the four of them went into the common room they saw a piece of parchment stuck up on the important section of the bulletin board. Hardly anything was ever posted there other than Quidditch game dates, or when there had been a dance, or things like that.

"Maybe it's about the Valentine's dessert," Peter suggested hopefully, leading the group over. "Oh, it—oh. Huh?"

Remus peered around James's shoulder to see, in McGonagall's handwriting, a notice for all the third years to be in her classroom at 6pm sharp on Wednesday evening. No other information. That was very strange.

"What did you do?" Sirius asked James.

"Me? It's everyone, not just us, I don't know what this is about. I haven't done anything!"

"Didn't you put dungbombs in Professor Sprout's desk the other day?" Remus asked.

James humphed. "Yes, why do you think I have detention tomorrow night? Anyway… who knows what this is about."

Sirius tilted his head. "We could go ask her, and by 'we' I mean Remus."

"No. I have things I need to do."

"Aren't you curious?"

He shrugged. "Yes, but… we can ask her tomorrow. Or you can ask her tonight. I need to finish some work."

None of them went, instead they retreated to their dorm where Remus knitted while the others speculated what it might be. James even asked Spinnet and David when they came in, and the two left to go look at it since they hadn't seen it. When they came back up they both said they hadn't a clue.

Remus was up very late finishing the socks, and had to be awoken by Sirius the next morning. Since they were going to Flitwick's classroom during breakfast to set up the prank, he barely had time to get ready and in his sleepy state he put half his clothes on wrong which got points deducted when he went into Potions. After class he ducked into a bathroom to put his jumper on the right way round, and fix his tie. The others were in the corridor outside, asking the girls if they knew what was going on. He didn't hear their answer, except for a lot of giggling from either Alice or Cassie, and when he came back out they were gone.

"Cassie knows," James said, shooting Sirius dark looks, "but won't tell us because of him."

Sirius turned to Remus and began trying to smooth his messy hair down for him. "Don't blame me, she's the one who decided I wasn't mature enough for her."

"Did you just spit in my hair?" Remus asked, cringing back.

"It's to keep it down. Stop squirming so much—"

"THAT'S DISGUSTING!"

"Oh, it's just a little spit. There, you look better."

Remus ran back into the bathroom and put his head under the faucet, using some soap to try to clean Sirius's spit out of his hair. Sirius kept calling him a baby the entire way to History while he tried his best to dry his hair. It meant his hair looked even wilder than it did before, but he'd rather that than saliva.

X

Since there was a free period for them after History, the four Marauders went right to the Transfiguration classroom to ask McGonagall what was happening Wednesday. Peter was especially anxious since he had Photography Club that night. By the time they got to her classroom, a couple of the students for her next lesson were already waiting, so when James said they had a question for her, she took them into her office.

"Mr. Lupin," she said as soon as the door shut, "do you need a hairbrush?"

Sirius gave Remus a smug look while he tried to sort out his hair, mumbling apologies as he did. McGonagall conjured a comb for him and he began fixing it while James asked what the notice about Wednesday was for.

"It says all of us b-but I have a club meeting that night," Peter whispered, shifting from foot to foot. "At 6:30."

"I'm afraid you'll have to miss your meeting, Mr. Pettigrew," she said apologetically. "This is a required lesson."

"Lesson?" James asked, making a face.

McGonagall looked down her nose at him. "Yes. Every year around this time, the Heads of Houses give their third years a lesson to teach them about reproductive health."

Remus froze, Peter turned white, Sirius's jaw went slack, and James stiffened. "You—you mean—"

"Sex, Mr. Potter," she said, and Remus wanted to die hearing that word coming out of her mouth. His skin began to feel crawly and awful. "Third years are given a lesson to help educate them about their bodies—"

"No," James gasped out.

"—and giving them information and knowledge regarding sexual health for their—Mr. Pettigrew!"

Peter had fainted, collapsing to the floor. Remus hardly even noticed. He couldn't move, couldn't even breathe. He took a few, faltering steps back while McGonagall went to help Peter back up but the room was getting tipsy and blurry. McGonagall was… going to… give them… That Talk?

"Professor," James whispered, trembling slightly. "Is this, uh—is this—is this—does everyone—do we—?"

"Mandatory? Yes." She helped Peter into a chair and gave him a glass of water while he groaned, rubbing his head. "All Heads will be giving their third years this lesson on Wednesday evening. Are you feeling better, Mr. Pettigrew?"

"No. I feel sick," he wailed. McGonagall pressed a cold, damp cloth to the back of his neck.

James was looking wildly at Sirius then back to their teacher. "Erm, of course it is, yes, but uhhh what if—say—what—what if you know… one of us was in the hospital wing? Remus gets ill all the time, he might be in the hospital wing. Or you know… one of us might… get hurt. In Quidditch practice. Badly. Wait—Quidditch, I've got Quidditch practice Wednesday, Professor!"

McGonagall turned to face James. "Miss Bell is already aware you and Miss Inkwood will be absent."

He pushed his glasses up. "Still, what if I or—or Remus, you know, he's sick—or me—or someone is in the hospital wing and can't make it to the uhhhh… mandatory thingie?"

"If you are in the hospital for an injury or illness that is serious enough not to be healed and discharged in time for the lesson then we shall simply have to conduct the lesson in the hospital wing for you, Mr. Potter. Does that answer your question?"

James looked like he might empty his cauldron. "Yes Professor," he croaked out.

"Will—will it be with the girls?" Sirius asked, speaking up for the first time.

"Yes, Mr. Black."

"Oh. Erm. Why… why doesn't… why don't you… split us up…?"

"It is easier this way."

"For you," James muttered.

Sirius raked his fingers through his hair anxiously. "Right. Well, Professor Flitwick could teach all the third year boys, and you could teach the girls. Separately. Wouldn't that be easier?"

James whirled on Sirius before McGonagall could respond. "I AM NOT LEARNING ABOUT SEX WITH SNAPE IN THE ROOM!" he screamed, and Peter gave another small wail. Then James looked like he was shrinking. "Ohhh," he moaned, "I just said that word in front of my teacher…"

McGonagall's lips were pressed thin. "This is how it has always been. It is the responsibility of the Heads to educate the students. Wednesday at six. Now if that is all, I need to get to my lesson."

She shooed all of them out of her office and they stood in the corridor for a long time, none of them moving or saying anything. Finally Peter's legs gave out again and he sank down onto a stone bench, covering his face and sounding like he was dying.

"Remy, you've been awfully quiet," Sirius noted.

"He's… not moving," said James, waving his hand in front of Remus's face.

Indeed, Remus hadn't moved anything since he froze up when McGonagall told them; in fact, his hands were still raised to his head, the comb still partially in his hair.

"Remus?" Sirius asked, prodding his shoulder. "I think he's broken. Remus?"

"I—d-d-d-don't—ffff-feel good," he got out, sinking down like Peter had, only he went to the floor instead of the bench. "I… oh no, oh no, oh no, no, no. No." He curled up, covering his head, seriously considering dropping out of school to avoid the upcoming horror. He silently agreed with Sirius: why did they have to do this with the girls there? Or anyone?

"Why did this have to happen on my birthday?" complained Peter.

"At least it isn't the actual lesson on your birthday," Sirius said, trying to cheer him up.

"Yeah, that—that would be worse. A lot worse."

"There are some Hufflepuffs coming down the hall," James said, tugging at Remus's arm. "You might want to get up."

He couldn't. All he could do was lay there like a dead slug. There were snickers from the other students as they passed, but he didn't really care. Everyone thought he was loopy already, that didn't matter at the moment. What did matter was the fact he was going to have to actually sit through The Talk that his father tried to give him a year and a half ago. Oh, Merlin, what if McGonagall mentioned the M word like his father had? Surely—surely not. No, she'd… probably only talk about… how a girl could become pregnant or something.

He suddenly sat up, almost headbutting James. "It might not be too bad." All three stared at him as if they wanted to haul him off to Saint Mungo's. "No. I mean, surely she won't say anything too… erm, graphic. She'll probably only talk about how—how—" He turned red, not wanting to say 'sex' in front of them. They discussed things before, and made jokes, but this was very different. "You know, how it… works… and how pregnancy works and that we shouldn't… do anything before marriage. Surely she or any of the others wouldn't actually talk about… things in detail."

James and Sirius looked dubious, however Peter perked up. "Yeah, you're probably right about that."

More students were coming and this time Remus did get up, shuffling over to the bench to sit next to Peter. They were still right outside McGonagall's office.

"We could ask someone," Sirius said. "An older student. I could maybe ask Seo-Yun."

"You're going to ask a girl what it's like to have McGonagall talk about sex?" James whispered, half in awe, half disgusted.

Sirius's cheeks colored a little. "Er, well, that isn't—I wasn't—I was only going to ask how… detailed it got."

"What if there's drawings?" Peter asked and now they all stared at him. "When Dad told me about everything, he showed me pictures."

"Of people having sex?" James asked, a little excitedly.

"No! But of, um, you know. Our bits."

"Dad never did anything like that," James said, sitting down next to Remus. "He just told me that my body will do weird things, and that sex is a big temptation and not to do it."

"M-mine said the same," Remus whispered with a shudder.

Sirius stuck his hands in his pockets. "At least you didn't have to learn from a house-elf."

"WHAT?!" James screamed. "No!"

"Yup. Kreacher told me and Regulus about it a couple of years back. Mother and Father wished us to know at a young age because of our grandparents."

"Your grandparents?"

"Yeah, Grandmother Irma was pregnant with Mother while she was in Hogwarts." Sirius scuffed the toe of his boot against the stone, looking unhappy. "They don't want anything like that happening again anytime soon so they made Kreacher tell us about everything, along with threats if we did that."

Remus felt very sorry for Sirius (and Regulus).

"If we've all been told, what's the point of McGonsie telling us?" James asked furiously.

"Maybe not everyone's been told," Remus said reluctantly. "And who knows what we've been told? Sirius and Peter know a bit, while you and I only really know not to do… it." He did know more from the book Your Body At Hogwarts, but he was not going to bring that up. Frankly, that's how it should go. The teachers should give them copies of the book as a way to educate them. Not force them to sit in a room and have their favorite teacher say words like penis in front of them all, with girls sitting right there.

"Wait, are you saying I know more about something than you do?" Sirius asked, eyebrows raising.

Remus looked down at his shoes, burning hot at having to answer a question like that. "I don't know. I'm assuming you do."

"Do you know—"

"All right, well, you know I think we should talk about something else now please," Peter cut him before Sirius finished his question. "It's my birthday and I don't wanna talk about that. Please?"

James and Remus quickly agreed, and Sirius huffed out an agreement. They all got up and headed down the corridor, talking about other things instead; Remus just hoped beyond hope that Sirius wouldn't try to quiz him about anything just to compare their knowledge. He'd rather have to talk to McGonagall about that than Sirius!

X

The Marauders were at least able to push aside everything for Peter's birthday. As soon as Defense let out, James and Remus went to the kitchens to get the food while Sirius and Peter went to the empty classroom that James and Sirius had decorated the evening before. Remus was happy to see streamers, balloons, and a big sign that said Happy Birthday Petey! There was also a large, thick blanket on the floor for them to have their indoor picnic on.

They plowed through the sandwiches and fruit, then James, Sirius, and Remus lit their wands while they sang For He's A Jolly Good Fellow. When Peter 'blew' the wands out, there was a chorus of 'nox' to put them out. After cake came presents, and Peter was very happy with the sweets and the hand-knitted socks Remus gave him.

"I was sort've hoping you were making them for me," he admitted after trying on the socks. "Except weren't they purple?"

They were now a bright dandelion yellow, Peter's favorite color. "That was to trick you," Remus lied. "I temporarily made the yarn purple so you wouldn't know immediately."

Then he opened James's present, and Peter's face went from shock to joy to annoyance in a matter of seconds after ripping the paper off a brand new camera. Well, not a brand new one; it looked like the same model Peter had before.

"Hear me out," James pleaded when Peter glared at him. "I know you didn't want me to buy you a new camera when all that happened but just open it, all right?"

"You can't replace—"

"Please open it?"

Peter opened and closed his mouth then opened the box. Inside was a note that he read, and the thunderclouds on his face parted. "Oh. Oh."

"Is it… okay? If not—"

"No, yeah, yeah, it—wow. Thank you." Peter hugged him tightly before turning to the others, eyes sparkling. "It's got a receipt for a case change."

"A… case change?" Sirius asked.

"Uh-huh. I can put my old camera case on it. The inside will be all new but… it'll have my old camera's shell on it."

James looked very pleased with himself. "I thought it'd be a nice compromise. I knew you still had your old one around…"

"Yeah, I couldn't bear to toss it."

Peter put all his presents away and then the four of them ate more cake until it was time to go to their next class. McGonagall's explanation of what the notice was for and Peter's birthday had wiped their minds of the prank they pulled, so when they blew into the greenhouse for Herbology and Sprout asked to talk to them a moment, none of them knew what it was about.

"Did you have anything to do with the incident in Professor Flitwick's classroom?" Sprout asked James and Sirius, giving them an intense stare.

Ooh, right, Remus thought. James and Sirius exchanged glances. "No," James finally said. "We don't have Charms on Mondays, we haven't been to his class."

Her stare became more intense. "I'm meaning the incident in the first year Hufflepuff's lesson, when every single stitch of furniture started dancing violently around." James managed to turn his laugh into a cough but Sirius didn't bother hiding his. Sprout glowered at him now. "It isn't funny. Three of them had to go see Madame Pomfrey."

"Are they all right?" Remus asked quickly, all amusement disappearing instantly.

"Yes," she sniffled. "One of them had bruises all over his leg where a chair trampled over him, another had a fractured wrist from where she was thrown from her chair, and another had been knocked out by a desk. They are all fine now, nothing Pomfrey couldn't heal. However…" Back to the duo right in front of her. "Professor McGonagall was looking for you all during lunch. Your absence adds to your guilt."

"Wait up a moment," James protested. "No, our absence—that isn't—it isn't guilt at all." He grabbed Peter, pulling him forward. "It's his birthday. We were celebrating it, since we can't tonight. Celebrating privately, I mean. Look! We have some cake as proof. Petey, give her the leftover cake."

Peter started pulling the container from his bag but Sprout held up her hand. "I wouldn't accept food from you, Mr. Potter, even if you swore under veritaserum that it was safe."

"I'll take that as a compliment," he said proudly.

"You would." Though she didn't look annoyed at least. "All right, your absence doesn't contribute to guilt however… you are the most likely culprits that did this. You'll need to go speak to Professor McGonagall this evening."

"We have detention," Sirius said, rather proudly.

"Right." Sprout stared at him. "The dungbombs. You'll need to speak with her when you can, then. Happy birthday Pettigrew. Now please, the four of you… have a seat."