Chapter 7
Uijeongbu Korea; October 10th, 1951
"E as in Ezekiel, 24." Father Mulcahy called out.
"Aw...rats." Grumbled Radar.
"You're not gonna beat her Radar, there's no use getting all twisted up about it." Klinger said.
"You don't know that," Radar shot back.
"Radar, Nurse Kelly has been the bingo champion for 3 weeks running." Ellie Marie pointed out, "I don't know how she does it but she's undefeatable."
"You can't be undefeatable at Bingo, it's a game of luck." Radar retorted.
"B as in Bethlehem, 13."
"Hey. Stick to your own beans!" Radar snapped, as he and Klinger reached for the same coffee bean.
"Alright...chill out spark plugâ.." Klinger said.
"You know if you really wanted to win so bad you'd think you'd just use some of your special Radar-ness to make it happen." He added.
"First off, that's not a thing and you know it. Second, even if I did know which number Father Mulcahy was gonna say before he said it, how would that help me win?"
"S as in Samson, 37"
"Son of a..."
"Hey, look who it is..." Ellie Marie said, nudging Klinger as she put a coffee bean on her board. He looked in the direction she was indicating.
Hawkeye and Margaret had been walking across the compound and had unintentionally crossed paths. There was a brief awkward scuffle as they attempted to pass each other both opting for the same side and nervously hovering before scooting away with a nervous laugh.
"Oh yeah...there's definitely something weird happening there." Klinger said.
At the beginning of the week Hawkeye and Margaret had been sent to the 8063rd to demonstrate the new arterial transplant procedure the doctors had been using, but they hadn't arrived at their destination. After 48 tense hours of having no idea where they'd disappeared to, in an area that was being bombarded by unexpected shelling nonetheless, the M.P.s had found them cowering under an army poncho in the rain waiting for rescue. They'd been brought safely back to camp to regale them all with a harrowing story of how their jeep had been hit, and they were pinned down overnight in an abandoned hut while shells rained down around them. Yet ever since their return, something had been off between them.
"Do you think they...ya know." Ellie Marie said, raising her eyebrows.
"Oh come on...don't stay stuff like that. She's a married lady." Radar interjected, not looking up from his board.
"People don't think like that in the heat of the moment Radar." Klinger said, "I mean if it was me...and I really thought I was gonna die? Can't say I wouldn't be tempted. Might as well have my last memory be a happy one."
"And have the last thing you do on this earth be betraying the woman you promised to always be faithful to?" Ellie Marie asked. He gave her a dry look.
"Why must you ruin my perfectly good fantasy with your logical arguments?" He asked.
"Just to be clear, this is a fantasy in which you are about to die and therefore Major Margaret Houlihan gives you the time of day, correct? You can actually picture that happening?"
"You're a party pooper." He grumbled.
"Nah I'm just a realist." She teased, "but back to the topic at hand. Do you think they did?"
"I dunno...it seems far-fetched. But she's been acting funny for a couple weeks now since before this all happened."
"Right?" Ellie Marie agreed, "She was on cloud nine when she got back from her R so I doubt it has anything to do with Donald...but something is definitely off."
"Well actually..." Radar murmured out of the side of his mouth as Father Mulcahy called A5, "now I shouldn't say this, and you shouldn't know it, so if anyone finds out that you know what you don't know then you didn't hear it from me cuz I don't officially know either ok?"
"You lost me at about the third ' you know' kid, but whatever you say." Klinger answered.
Radar leaned in closer to them and looked around to make sure no one else was listening.
"The day after the Major and the Captain got back, she made a call to her husband that included a lot of shouting, and calling of names like dirty rotten you-know-what. Then later that night, she asked me if I had the paperwork to start divorce proceedings."
Ellie Marie 's mouth dropped open, and she met Klinger's equally wide eyed stare.
"Oh...they totally did." She said with a grin.
"Hey now you don't know thatâ" Radar said.
"H as in Holy Spirit, 9"
"BINGO!" Shouted Kelly.
"Aw come on!" Radar yelled, flipping his board.
"Attention all personnel! Ambulance in the compound!"
"You'll get her next time Radar." Ellie Marie said, as they all jumped up.
"Wow...all of these are head wounds," Hawkeye said, as the corpsman unloaded the wounded men, "Looks like they got scalped. Who's their General, Custer?"
"They're English." B.J. pointed out.
"That'll be the Gloucester regiment." The ambulance driver said, hopping out of the driver's side door.
"How'd you know?"
"Those are the nut cakes that never wear helmets." He explained.
"Trying to prove its mind over shrapnel." Hawkeye said dryly, as he checked another head wound.
"Full blood and prep him stat." He said, "and this one's next." He pointed to the man to his left.
--
"What hands..." Margaret said, an hour later when surgery was well underway .
She was of course, assisting Charles, and per usual she never missed an opportunity to stroke his ego by oohing and aahing over his surgical prowess. Though it seemed to Ellie Marie, that she was overdoing a bit more than usual today.
"If I were on the operating table, I wouldn't want anyone but you touching me." Margaret practically purred.
"Set a place for me will you?" Hawkeye quipped, and she shot him a disgusted look.
"That's revolting." She spat.
Klinger caught Ellie Marie's eye with a knowing look as he walked past, and she had to look away quickly to keep from laughing.
"I have every reason to revolt!" Hawkeye complained loudly, "I'm sick of this place!"
"Winchester, is that still your first patient, I've done three since you started." Colonel Potter said, from his place next to her.
"He's probably running a check on the guy's credit," B.J. interjected from the table behind them.
"Do you want it good Colonel, or do you want it fast?" Charles asked pompously.
"Good and fast!" The Colonel shot back, "This isn't Boston General, we're a M*A*S*H* unit. We do a volume business!"
"Well I'm sorry! I was not trained on an assembly line." Charles snapped.
"Neither was I." B.J. said. "Nurse, wrench."
"Don't be too hard on Charles Colonel. This is Wednesday, he gave up his squash game to be here." Hawkeye said.
"Thank you Captain..." Charles replied dryly, "I'm sure you'll do very well after the war in a nice little free clinic somewhere."
"My what a sharp tongue you have." Hawkeye retorted.
"He's sliced a lot of baloney with it." B.J. added.
"Will you get off his back?" snapped Margaret.
"Bottle it all of you!" The Colonel barked, ending the discussion.
"Colonel...I've gotta talk to you." Klinger said, walking up to their table.
"What is that smell?" The Colonel asked, "Klinger, did you fall into the sauerkraut?"
"I'm wearing Asian musk!" Klinger explained, "it creeps out of the night to weave its magic spell."
"So does a skunk..." Colonel Potter muttered.
"I dunno...I kinda like it." Ellie Marie said, earning her a wink from Klinger.
"Of course you do." Said the Colonel, "alright Klinger speak up. I got a patella here that looks like a tennis racquet."
"Somebody broke into supply and cleared us all out of penicillin."
"Ah damn! Black marketeers again." The Colonel said, "I thought I told you to change the locks on the supply room!"
"I did sir, and it stopped them cold. They had to break down the door."
"Take a jeep, make the rounds and try to get some more." The Colonel said.
"It's times like these I could use a travel ensemble." Klinger muttered as he walked out.
"Suction." Said Hawkeye, "Suction! Suction now!!"
"Can I do anything Hawkeye?" Father Mulcahy said, running to his side.
"Not yet, Father. He's still got a chance." Hawkeye said.
The room went quiet and they all looked up at him, as he realized the implications of what he'd just said.
"I'm sorry Father, that was a dumb thing to say."
"No no I understand." Father Mulcahy said, "I know I must seem like a vulture to you. Waiting for the unfortunate ones. I wish I could be of more help."
"I wish I could too Father." Hawkeye said, "Look at this guy, he's full of tea."
"Tea?"
"You can't tell if he's a soldier or a samovar."
"I don't quite follow."
"They gave him tea when he was wounded. Now it's seeping into the abdominal cavity. An engraved invitation to peritonitis."
"Oh my goodness. Why would they do that?"
" I don't know. I'll never understand these British units. They think a belly wound is an occasion for high tea. This guy took cream and sugar no less. As if his wounds weren't enough."
"What can you expect from a country that has socialized medicine," said Charles.
"Only Shakespeare, crumpets, Vivien Leigh!" Hawkeye said.
"Let's not forget penicillin." Ellie Marie added.
"How can we? We don't have any." Said B.J.
--
"Any word on Klinger yet?" Ellie Marie asked, as Kelly came in to trade off shifts with her the next morning. She shook her head.
"He's not back yet." She said, "but we heard from the 8063rd, they said he stopped in two hours ago but they don't have any either, my guess is he'll hit the 8055th, and then if he strikes out there check battalion aide."
"Lovely." Ellie Marie said, "just what I need, him going closer to the front."
"It's going to be fine Ellie." Kelly said, squeezing her arm.
"Oh yeah, sure. My best friend is driving around an active war zone with mortar shells, and land mines not to mention snipers. What could go wrong?"
"Hey, when's the last time you checked Private Brighton's temp?" Hawkeye said, walking up to the desk.
"'Bout an hour ago." She replied, "He was at 100.5."
"Alright, let me check again."
She handed him the thermometer, and he went over to the patient.
"It's 102 plus..." He said as he came back over, "Damn tea it's peritonitis, and without penicillin he's gonna blow the top off this thing by morning." He put the thermometer down on the desk.
"Suppose you'll have to get a new thermometer." said Charles from further down the ward, chuckling to himself. When Hawkeye didn't acknowledge him he walked to where they were all standing.
"What's the matter Pierce? Sorry you didn't think of it first?" He asked
"Oh it was a joke?" Hawkeye replied coolly, "You're wasting your time here. You belong in the Catskills."
"Hey Kelly..." Said B.J. also joining the group, "are you coming on duty?"
"Yeah B.J. what's up?" She said.
"My patient over there Private Johnson? It seems he may have run into a little issue with morphine after his last visit."
"Oh god..." Said Ellie Marie, "how bad are we talking?"
"Well the shakes have started already." B.J. said, "he's in for a pretty rough couple days, but I'm gonna get him through it if it kills me. I just wanted to let you know what might be going down Kelly."
"I appreciate it." She said, "just let me know if there's any way I can help."
As Ellie Marie made her way back towards the nurses barracks she noticed Father Mulcahy pacing anxiously by the side of the mess tent.
"You alright Father?" She said, and he jumped slightly at her approach clearly not having noticed her until that point.
"Oh yes Ellie Marie . I'm fine," he said, "Say, do you know if Klinger was able to round up any penicillin yet?"
"No. Last I heard he struck out at the 8063rd, and he was on his way to the 8055th."
"Oh that's too bad..." The Father said, and he returned to his pacing.
"Father...are you sure you're alright?" She asked, "forgive me for saying so, but you seem agitated."
He turned to face her, and seemed to be struggling to decide whether he should speak or not.
"Actually..." He said finally, "would you mind if I run something by you?"
"Of course not." She said, "I'd be honored."
"Well I... I'm afraid I can't be completely explicit." He said.
"So maybe let's start with what you can say, and work back from there." Ellie Marie suggested.
"Yes...what I can say..." He murmured, "Well, really it's something of a dilemma I'm having. A spiritual dilemma of sorts."
"And you want to run it by me?" She asked, "don't you sort of have a direct line to the guy who usually handles that sort of thing?"
"Yes..." he said, "but this situation is rather more nuanced than that."
"Alright...so then what's this big dilemma?"
"I'm afraid I can't..."
"Gotcha, you can't tell me that... Ok...let's see. Does this dilemma happen to have anything to do with our penicillin shortage by any chance?"
"There's a strong possibility..."
"Fatherâ.."
"Maybe I'd better be more specific."
"I'm not really sure how you could be more vague, so it'd be a nice change of pace."
"After all, I have a responsibility to my fellow man. On the other hand, we have the confidentiality of the confession, which is absolute."
"Absolutely."
"No matter what I do, I fear I'll be in the wrong."
"You're right Father." She said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "that sounds like the textbook definition of a dilemma, and I'm afraid if you can't tell me anything else, there's not much I can do to help you."
"No, you're right. This is just something I need to work out myself. Thank you Ellie Marie ."
"Anytime Father." She said, and he walked away.
"What were you two talking about?" Said Hawkeye, falling into step beside her as she continued across the compound.
"I honestly have no idea." She said. She shot a look sideways at him and saw his expression was dark.
"What's up with you?" She asked.
"You know that British platoon? Well their Major just showed up." He said, "His boys are lying there with head wounds because he didn't order them to wear helmets, and peritonitis eating through their bellies because he gave them tea before putting them in an ambulance, and he's treating them like they have ingrown toenails! Telling them to stop lollygagging around. He did everything short of actually calling them goldbricks!"
"Well you know how the British are Hawk...stiff upper lip and all that. It's just their way. I'm sure he means well."
"I'm not." He grumbled, "I'd like to take his Union Jack and throttle him with it."
"Come on..." Ellie Marie said, "let's go to the mess tent and I'll buy you a good old cup of American coffee. And if you're still feeling sour, maybe we'll make a cup of tea and then pour into the latrine for good measure."
"Toilet humor...see I knew you were a high class dame..." He teased, but he allowed her to steer him towards the mess tent doors.
A few hours later the sun had begun to set, and Ellie Marie was officially beginning to panic. She stood in the middle of the road that led into camp, willing Klinger's jeep to materialize.
"What are you doing out here?" Radar asked, appearing at her elbow suddenly and making her jump out of her skin.
"Geez Radar! don't sneak up on a person like that!" She snapped.
"Well I'm sorry!" He snapped back, "I walked clear across the compound calling your name! It's not my fault you were off in your own world!"
"You're right, I'm sorry." She said immediately, "I'm just worried. Klinger should have been back hours ago."
"He was back hours ago." Radar said, "he got back around 1500 hours, and said he had no luck, but then Father Mulcahy grabbed him and said some weird stuff about not asking questions and they drove off again."
"What?" Ellie Marie said sharply, "How could you let me sit around here for hours worrying about one thing when I actually have a whole other separate thing I should be worried about!" She shouted.
"Well how am I supposed to know what you know and what you don't know! Klinger always tells you stuff before he tells me anyway so I assumed you'd be the most likely person to know what's going on!" Radar yelled back.
"Hey you two? I'm not sure if you're aware but you're having a screaming match in the middle of the camp." B.J. said, sticking his head out from the swamp, "You wanna fill us in on what's going on?"
They walked through the door into the Swamp to see Charles sitting by his desk reading and Hawkeye's bunk unoccupied.
"Apparently, Father Mulcahy and Klinger took off on some shady secret mission three hours ago and haven't been heard from since." Ellie Marie said, her pulse still pounding.
"What sort of secret mission?" B.J. asked.
"I'm not sure. But Father Mulcahy was being really cagey earlier. And the things he was saying led me to believe it might have to do with getting us penicillin."
"Oh boy..."said B.J., " if they were being as shady about it as you said, you know what that probably means...the black market."
"Perfect." said Ellie Marie , throwing her hands in the air, "that is just absolutely perfect."
"Don't know what you're so worked up aboutâ." Said Charles, "if the Father is indeed having dealings with nefarious and low life individuals he at least had the good sense to bring one of their own ilk along to distract them."
"Charles..."Ellie Marie said, turning on him slowly, "I'm aware that on the average day I would probably be counted as someone who has a higher tolerance for your snide remarks than most. But I'm telling you right now, if you make one more backhanded comment about Max you are going to find yourself on the receiving end of a spontaneous and involuntary rhinoplasty! I am NOT in the mood!"
"Cool your jets Sugar Ray." Said B.J., "let's not panic until we know there's something worth panicking about."
"They're back!" Shouted Radar, as a jeep roared past the Swamp towards Post Op. The three of them charged out the door after it.
"Here it is folks!" Father Mulcahy called, "Penicillin!"
"Father, where on earth did you get it?" Margaret exclaimed.
"Well, it was all very exciting." Father Mulcahy said, "There's this burned-out schoolhouse by the village. It must have been quite charming in its day."
"We heisted a bell." Klinger finished for him, walking around to the back of the jeep to start unloading, wearing nothing but a blouse and his boxer shorts.
"Klinger, where's your skirt?" Margaret asked.
"Missing in action."
"Go cover yourself you hairy fool!" She said.
"I am covered Major! Covered in glory!" He proclaimed, "All right nurses come and get it. Penicillin, start dishing it out pronto. One to a customer. This rounds on the Father and me."
He hopped down off the truck and saw Ellie Marie standing there. His face broke into a huge grin as he ran towards her.
"G you should have seen it!" He said putting his hands on her shoulders, "it was like something straight out of the movies. The father was all, 'get in the jeep Max and don't ask questions' and then we get there and the penicillin is exactly where he said it was, then all of sudden they're shooting at us and..." he trailed off at the look on her face, "...and you're not happy." He finished.
"I'm not happy?" She repeated, "Do you have any idea how worried I've been? It's bad enough that I had to spend all day sitting around stressed about you driving hither and to, to every M*A*S*H* within a ten mile radius, but then Radar tells me you rode off into the sunset with Mulcahy to play cowboys and indians, or whatever the hell you were doing." She was yelling now, "and then you show back up here all gung-ho, acting like you went on a fun little adventure through the countryside not like you very literally almost got..." Her hands started shaking, and her breath caught in her chest, "Almost got..." she repeated her voice trembling.
"Hey..." said Klinger, grabbing her and crushing her tightly to his chest and she started to cry, "Hey it's ok...I'm ok."
After a few minutes of him hugging her and patting her back she was able to calm herself enough to step back and look at him.
"Guess I didn't really think about how my idiocy might affect you." He said, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.
"No you didn't." She agreed shakily, "You're my favorite god damn person in this whole stinking country. Putting yourself in harm's way without telling me isn't ok. How would you have felt if the roles were reversed?"
"I'dve been going crazy." He said, "you're right I'm sorry."
"I guess considering that you are officially the hero that saved all those boys in Post Op, I'll have to forgive you." She said. She suddenly became acutely aware of their surroundings as she looked around the now empty compound.
"Did I just have an emotional breakdown...in your arms...in the middle of the camp...while you had no pants on?" She asked.
"Yeah...that just happened." He said with a small smile, "but don't worry. After the day we've had, I doubt it will even make the top five things on the gossip chain tomorrow."
"Why don't you go get fully clothed so you can head up to Post Op and accept the praises of your adoring fans." She said with a small smile.
She hugged him once more and then turned to head up to the main building. Kelly and Ginger were administering the penicillin, and Ellie Marie was surprised to see a man that she assumed was the British Major Hawkeye had been ranting about sitting in a group with some of his healthier men."
"Here this chaps." One said, holding up a letter "and now the blokes taken a real fancy to your sister. Wouldn't surprise me if he popped the question before long."
"Oooooo" came a chorus from the group.
"Thought the family had given up on Freddy." Another soldier said.
"Yeah, but where there's a little dowry there's a way." The first one said with a laugh.
"Go on, Read your letter Billy." The Major said to the boy in the cast sitting next to him.
"Yeah, I'm on the edge of my pillow!" The first man said. The red headed man called Billy opened his letter.
"The baby's eating solid food now!" He said happily sitting up straighter, " Listen to this, 'I was holding her at the breakfast table, having some sausage. I turned my back, and the little tiger ate half of Mum's banger!" All the men laughed.
"Sounds like a girl who knows what she wants there Billy!" The Major said jovially, clapping him on the shoulder.
"So...this is the Major you were telling me about earlier?" Ellie Marie said under her breath, as Hawkeye walked up beside her.
"It appears that way." He replied.
"Well I can see what you meant...he seems like a complete monster." She said sarcastically.
"Quiet...I'm confused." Hawkeye muttered. The Major stood and turned to address Hawkeye.
"Captain, would you care to step outside?" He said.
"If I'm not back in five minutes, call a Bobby and a cut man." Hawkeye said over his shoulder as he followed the Major.
As the two men exited, Klinger walked in wearing his best blue dress complete with petticoats.
"There's the man of the hour!" Said B.J., "heard you had quite the adventure today."
"It was the greatest act of bravery since Audie Murphy! Even if I do say so myself." Klinger said.
"Or Father Duffy!" Father Mulcahy called from the other end of the room where he sat next to Colonel Potter, monitoring a patient.
"Think I'll read the bookâ" B.J.said shaking his head.
"Baker, keep an eye on Johnson." He said, "He should be calm for a while. Keep him on the I.V. and call me if there's trouble. I'm gonna get some sleep."
"Yes Doctor." Said Nurse Baker.
"Colonel, if you'll be good enough. Sign this bill sir." Said Klinger, holding out a piece of paper to the Colonel.
"Bill for what?" He asked, as he looked down at it, "12.00?"
"One skirt. A Klinger original. Casualty of my death defying mission sir."
"I'll get you the material. The rest is up to you." The Colonel said, shaking his head and laughing.
"Sold!" Said Klinger, "and you!" He turned to point at Ellie Marie , "you're coming with me."
"I am?" She said, and he nodded grabbing her by the hand.
"Where exactly are we going?" She asked.
"It's a surprise." He replied.
They walked down the ward and through the outer door just as Pierce was coming in.
"Still in one piece Doctor?" She asked.
"My ego took a little bruising but it will survive." He responded with a smile.
Klinger pulled her across the now dark compound towards the empty mess tent.
"Are you planning to tell me where we're going anytime soon?" She asked.
"Does the word surprise mean something different where you're from?" He countered.
They walked into the entirely deserted mess tent and he pointed to the nearest table.
"Have a seat." He said.
"Ok..." she did as she was told, and he moved behind the serving line and ducked down.
"I gotta tell you, nothing I've ever received from behind that table has been considered a good surprise!" She called out to him.
"Well there's a first time for everything." He said, standing with his back to her and edging around the table before spinning.
"Tah dah!" He said with flourish, he was holding a small plate and in the center was a chocolate cupcake with one candle burning in it.
"Oh my god..." She said with a jolt of surprise, "Today is the 10th! In all the craziness...I hadn't even realized."
"I gotta say, I was really hoping to never be a person that made you cry." He said, putting the cupcake down in front of her, "but I feel like an especially giant louse for making you cry on your birthday."
"You didn't mean to." She said.
"Yeah...but I did. So you gonna make a wish?" She closed her eyes momentarily and then blew out the candle.
"What'd you wish for?" He asked.
"I can't tell you that, or it won't come true!"
She hopped up and walked to the silverware tray. She grabbed two forks and handed one to him. He raised an eyebrow.
"What? you think you're going to be this sweet and thoughtful and I'm not even going to share with you?" She said. She sat back down across from him and slid the fork into the cupcake, popping a bit in her mouth.
"Ok." she said, "who the hell made this? Because I know for damned sure it wasn't Cook. It's delicious!" Klinger laughed, taking a bite himself.
"It was Kelly." He said, "I asked her to help me with the baking about a week ago, and Radar got me the candle."
"I see," she said with a smile, "Well I'm honored to have been at the center of one of your schemes for once." They sat quietly eating the cupcake for a few more minutes.
"Ellie...I feel like I need to tell you something." Klinger said, "but I'm not exactly sure how to say it. Actually I'm pretty sure I'm more likely to say it all wrong than anything. But I feel like you should know."
"Oh boy..." She teased, "this sounds serious."
"Not really." He said, "It's just...you know what you said earlier? About how I'd feel if the roles were reversed and you went out there risking your life?"
"Yeah..."
"Well it just got me thinking is all about how I don't think I've ever really had a friend like you before. From the first day you got here, we just kinda clicked ya know? I've spent pretty much every second of every day since I got to this crummy place cursing my bad luck and trying to get out. Then you showed up and now I find myself thinking, maybe it was all kinda worth it, if it meant I got to meet somebody like you. And I know that probably sounds like I'm trying to make a pass at you, which I'm not! You know I'm not...it's just...jeez I told you I was gonna mess it up. I don't know what I'm talking about."
"You didn't mess anything up." Ellie Marie assured him, "I get it, and of course I know you didn't mean it that way."
"I guess basically what I'm trying to say is you're kinda one of my favorite people. And not just in Korea, you're kinda one of my favorite people...ever." He said with a small half smile.
"You're kinda one of my favorite people ever too." She replied, "and I'm really hoping when this is all said and done I manage to make a good im."pression on Ms. Laverne Esposito Klinger, because I intend on keeping you a part of my life for a good long while."
"Right back atcha kid." He replied, "and by the way, Happy Birthday."