Chapter 9
Uijeongbu Korea; November 4th, 1951
"I've got you….under my skin." crooned Hawkeye as he worked on his twelfth patient of the day.
"Pierce, will you stop that detestable singing?" Charles snapped, "use some discretion in here…."
"Okay." Hawkeye said, before immediately returning to his song.
"Colonel Potter, can you make him stop?" Complained Charles.
"Or at least back him with an orchestra…" B.J. quipped.
"I'm with Charles….this doesn't need to be a musical." Ellie Marie said.
On the whole Hawkeye's antics never bothered her much, but the last thing she needed at the moment was to be listening to love songs for however many hours of surgery they still had ahead of them.
"E tu, brute?" Hawkeye said, as she handed him a clamp.
"Alright reign in your horses." said Colonel Potter, "With this big push we can expect to see a lot of each other the next few days. Might as well stay on speaking terms."
"Right." Hawkeye said, and he began singing again.
"Shut up Pierce!" Ellie Marie and Charles said in unison.
"Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience…." He sighed.
"I suppose this is going to be another one of those 24-hour shifts without a break." Charles grumbled.
"For starters…" said the Colonel.
"Nurse, retractor." Charles said through a yawn.
"What?" said Margaret.
"I said retractor! Listen will you." He snapped.
"Don't talk with your mouth open!" She retorted.
"Kindly listen with yours closed." He shot back.
"Charles, are you just a tad edgy today?" B.J. asked.
"Nope, not in the least." Charles said, stifling another yawn.
"Stay awake Charles. You almost swallowed your mask." Said Hawkeye.
"I am awake." said Charles, but yawned yet again.
"Come on Major. You look like a wrung out dishrag, and I must say it doesn't surprise me." said the Colonel, "You've gotta learn to pace yourself and get some rest. You think three cups of joe and a long shower can take the place of eight hours of shut eye. You're running yourself ragged."
"Fortunately I possess the Winchester stamina." Charles replied pompously.
"How bout you? How you holding up after everything?" Hawkeye said quietly, so only Ellie Marie could hear.
"You mean since I spent two days nursing a kid who should have been at home getting his letterman jacket back to health just to have him die practically in my arms?" She said, "I'm fine."
"Ok glad I checked." He said.
"Major! The suture has slipped! You didn't tie it correctly." Margaret snapped.
"I tied for you……" Hawkeye started to sing again.
————
Ellie Marie honestly couldn't remember a time she felt more tired in her life. As Colonel Potter had predicted, it had been closer to 30 hours straight in O.R. with only small breaks for sleep. Afterwards she'd slept for almost 12 hours straight, and she still felt dead on her feet. She knew that what was wrong with her went far deeper than the physical, but she wasn't even close to being ready to address all of that right now. She pushed the doors to Post Op open and it took her a moment to register what she was seeing and hearing.
"Hey listen my Daisy can beat your Sluggo any day of the week and twice in January!" Radar postured, standing over the bed of one of the wounded Marines.
"Daisy?" The man said snickering, "alright, how about tomorrow kid?"
"Okay! Okay, my Daisy'll make your Sluggo into chewin' tobacco!"
"Hey Radar…really?" Hawkeye said, sitting up from his spot at the desk.
"Really." Radar proclaimed confidently.
"Uh….would you mind if we uh…bet on this little extravaganza?" Hawkeye asked.
"Yeah yeah…bet away. Daisy has a pack to support." Said Radar.
"Well that's the idea pal." The marine said with a smirk, "bet as much as you can lose."
"Just put your money where your mouth is." Radar shot back.
Radar pushed past Ellie Marie and back into his office and Hawkeye followed close behind.
"So uh Radar…..this Daisy is lightening fast right?" He said.
"Well…..I guess I can teach her….." Radar said.
"Hang on….." Ellie Marie said, following them in, "are you talking about your mouse, Daisy?"
"Yeah……" said Radar.
"All that bravado and machismo was about a mouse race??" She shook her head, "and a mouse race you have no business being in, because you don't even have a trained mouse!"
"Well what was I supposed to do?" Radar snapped, "he was making fun of me and calling me a kindergartener."
"I don't know…..maybe DON'T claim to have a mouse that can run laps around his when you don't? And you!" She turned on Hawkeye, "are you really so hard up for entertainment that you're betting on mouse races now?"
"Well I mean…..yeah, kinda." He said. At that moment Klinger walked in carrying a folder with the lab results.
"What did I just walk into?" He said, looking from one to the other.
"Nothing." She snapped, grabbing the folder from his hands and turning back towards Post Op. When she got to the door she turned back.
"You're idiots by the way." She said, "and that applies to you two specifically, but also to your gender as a whole." She turned and walked back into the Post Op.
"Not entirely sure we deserved that." Hawkeye said.
"Not entirely sure you caused it." Klinger said with a sigh.
"What do you mean?" Hawkeye asked.
"I think I messed up big time…." Klinger said, as he began pacing the room, "it started out completely innocent. I had the exact right intentions."
"Oh jeez…..what did you do?" Hawkeye said.
"She was losing it!" Klinger said, "After the Rinaldi kid died she kinda went crazy. Understandably. I just wanted to make sure she didn't hurt herself or anything so I let her take it out on me. It was the right thing to do! I was being a good friend. You'd do the same for someone! You probably have."
"Yeah….but why do I have the feeling that's not the end of the story."
"Yeah….."Klinger echoed, "So anyway she screamed and yelled and cried and generally did all the stuff that a person would do in that kind of horrible situation and I just held her and let her get on with it, and eventually she calmed down. And I told her I knew she was strong and that she could get through it….."
"…….and?" said Hawkeye.
"And then she was looking at me with those damned blue eyes, and she was so heartbroken, and I just wanted to make it go away…."
"You better not have done what I think you did!" Radar snapped, slamming the folder he was holding down on the desk, "Klinger I swear…..you—"
"Slow down Gungadin and let him tell us what he did for himself!" said Hawkeye.
"I did nothing!" Klinger said defensively, "nothing happened! But there was definitely a moment where it felt like I could have….if I'd wanted to."
"And did you want to?" Hawkeye asked.
"I dunno! My brain was all scrambled. It was intense! What I do know is that I love my wife, but I also care about Ellie Marie a lot, and I flat out told her I wasn't the kind of guy who was gonna go making a pass at her. Then I go do something idiotic like that."
"Like what?" Hawkeye said, "Look, from what you said it sounds like nothing more happened than maybe a momentary attraction between two people in a state of heightened emotion. Not only is that totally normal and natural, it's literally chemical. And you can take my word on that, I'm a doctor."
"You really think that's all it was?" Klinger asked.
"Well do you still wanna kiss her right now?"
"No." He said, "I'm just worried to death about her and scared I messed up our friendship for good."
"You didn't mess up your friendship for good," Hawkeye assured him, "take it from someone who has had more than one intensely emotional moment with the fairer sex spurred on by extreme circumstances. You just need to give her some time to get back to herself, and I'm betting things will even out. And let's be honest, when it comes to what's really bothering her right now, I'd say Max Klinger tops out at maybe 10% if that, the rest is Oliver Rinaldi."
"Yeah you're probably right about that…." Klinger agreed, "I just wish I knew how to fix it."
"Time…." Hawkeye said, "it's the only real healer of these types of wounds."
"And maybe don't try to kiss her anymore….." Radar grumbled.
"I didn't…."Klinger began but then he shook his head and sighed, "yeah alright message received kid."
———
Later that night Ellie Marie sat at the table in the back of the Officers Club by herself, watching the goings on in the room. Kelly was dancing with the tall corpsman that had come in from Kentucky a few weeks ago, and had definitely taken a shine to her. Rizzo had a rowdy game of black Jack going with two Marines at the table nearest to the door, and Father Mulcahy was plunking out something that sounded vaguely like The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy on the piano. Igor was behind the bar on this particular evening, which was one of the reasons she was holed up in here. Klinger never really liked to come into the O club unless it was his turn to bartend. Part of her hated herself for avoiding him, she was without a doubt at the lowest point she'd ever been at in her life, and avoiding her best friend wasn't helping the situation. But thanks to Andy, being close to him was just as complicated. Stupid Andy, if he'd just kept his big fat mouth shut none of this would have happened. Then again, if she was honest with herself, she wasn't even sure if that was true. Maybe Andy was right and what happened 3 days ago was just inevitable.
She downed the rest of her beer and then got up from her seat to get another. When she returned she found her table now occupied by B.J. and Hawkeye.
'I'm sorry, did we take your spot?" Hawkeye said, "because we can move."
"No, it's fine. You can stay." She said, sitting down in the empty chair and continuing to watch the dancers.
"So how are you doing?" B.J. asked.
"Sick of people asking me that question." She replied without looking at him, but she immediately felt guilty. Rinaldi was his patient too.
"Sorry." She said, meeting his eye, "I'm not an especially fun person to be around these days. I'm prone to lash out at people for any little indiscretion. Like betting on mouse races for instance." She shot a sheepish look in Hawkeye's direction and he gave her a wink.
"Nobody expects you to be ok." said B.J., "losing your first patient is brutal, nobody handles it well."
"I don't know which part of that is more disturbing." Ellie Marie said, "the fact that it indicates this will be the first of many, or that it indicates that eventually it won't bother me anymore."
"No it'll always bother you, believe me." said Hawkeye. They all lapsed into silence as they watched the activities of the room around them. After some time passed, Ellie Marie finally spoke again.
"B.J. can I ask you a question?" She said.
"Pretty sure you just did. But go ahead."
"Do you think you and Peg are soulmates?"
"Do I think Peg and I are…..Well, I guess I've never thought about it, but….yeah I'd say we are. Yes."
"How do you know?"
"Excuse me?"
"How do you know that you're soulmates? That out of the billions of people on this planet, Peg is the one who was meant to be yours?"
"Well….I guess….it's just a thing you know, when you know it." B.J. said with a shrug, clearly confused and somewhat uncomfortable, "Peg is my best friend. She's the person who knows me best. Pretty much from the day I met her, she's the only person I've ever wanted by my side. Whenever anything big happens in my life, good or bad, she's the one I want to share it with. That's how I know."
"Yeah…..that's what I figured you'd say." Ellie Marie said with a sigh, and she left her beer sitting on the table and walked out the door.
"Ok….so that was weird right?" B.J. said, looking at Hawkeye.
"Very weird….." Hawkeye agreed, "I think it might be time for someone to try to get to the bottom of what's going on with her. Because a lot of the pieces aren't adding up."
"You volunteering?" B.J. asked.
"Yeah I guess I am…" Hawkeye replied, "Wish me luck…"
He stood and walked to the door. Ellie Marie was only about twenty feet away from him.
"Hey Captain." He called, she turned to look back at him dully.
"Look I'm not going to go through the song and dance of asking you if you're ok again, partly because you said you're sick of hearing it, but mostly because it's become very obvious that you're not, and a lot of people are starting to get really worried about you, myself included."
"What happened to, I won't psychoanalyze you and you won't psychoanalyze me?" She shot back at him.
"I'm serious El…" He took a step closer. "Somethings wrong with you and it's more than just Rinaldi. From one maladapted emotional recluse to another, you gotta face it or it won't get better."
"It can't get better…." She said quietly, and he shook his head and sighed.
"Ok Captain" Hawkeye said, putting a hand on her shoulder, "here's what we're going to do. You're going to come back to the Swamp, we're going to drink copiously and then you're going to tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours. Ok?"
Ellie Marie stared at him for a moment before sighing, "Ok."
As they reached the entrance to the Swamp, Charles came bursting out of it.
"Charles, it's 10 o'clock at night, don't you think maybe it's time to slow down?" Hawkeye said, as he bustled past them.
"No time Pierce, no time! I just finished a letter to my Congressman and I need Corporal O'Reily to post mark it immediately!" He said in a rush, before practically sprinting across the compound.
"Is that something we should be worried about?" Ellie Marie asked.
"One crisis at a time…." Hawkeye mumbled, leading her inside.
She flopped on his bed and laid back with one arm draped across her eyes.
"So…..what's going on?" He asked, handing her a martini which she took and drank down in two swigs before holding the empty glass out, "cuz you've been saying some stuff that really doesn't add up. What the heck was all that in the O club with Beej?" She smirked, and shot him a sideways glance.
"Totally freaked him out didn't I?"
"A little." He confirmed, "but stop deflecting! What's going on with you?"
"I'm just in a funk…"
"Uh uh .. I'm gonna need more than that. Because your funk is starting to have serious effects on the people closest to you."
"Meaning?" She questioned, taking the second drink.
"Meaning there's a certain lavishly dressed Corporal who's legitimately worried you may never speak to him again."
"Ugh….Max…." She sighed, flopping back on the bed again.
"So are you mad at him?"
"Of course I'm not mad at him……" She said.
"But you are avoiding him."
"I don't want to avoid him…." She said quietly, tracing the edge of the glass with her finger.
"So then what's the problem?" Hawkeye asked. She rolled on her side and looked at him, clearly trying to decide what to say next.
"You ever notice that you and I are kinda alike in a lot of ways?" She asked.
"Ellie Marie…."
"I'm not deflecting this is part of it!" She said defensively, " but we are…like how we get along with people easily, and we have big hearts and we care a lot, but because of that we tend to keep people at arms length a little bit."
"Yeah ok…. I'll concede that's pretty accurate." Hawkeye agreed.
"So… think about this…." She said, holding her cup out for another drink, "B.J. He's important to you right? I know you had another room mate before him and you guys were close too, but B.J. is different. Everybody can see it, you two are the kind of friends that connect on a soul level. You'll never be able to shake him. Thirty years from now you'll hear someone call their little girl Erin, or see a guy with a goofy mustache and you know you'll think of him. Right? And if the day ever comes that you Hawkeye Pierce actually settle down and get married it will without a doubt be B.J. Hunicutt standing up there beside you as your best man at your wedding. Right? He's the best friend you've ever had."
"Yeah….." Hawkeye agreed, "Beej is one in a million."
"Ok….now I wanted you to think about this ok?" Ellie Marie sat up to face him, "Really think about how you feel about B.J. How much he means to you, and everything you've been through in just the short time that you've known each other. You got that in your head?"
"Yeah I got it. Best friend of a lifetime bosom buddies till the end." Hawkeye replied.
"Ok now close your eyes." Ellie Marie said.
"No funny business lady." Hawkeye teased, but she gave him a pointed look, so he smirked and obeyed her.
"Now imagine if it wasn't B.J." She said, "Instead it was a beautiful amazing woman that you loved and respected. Who would that woman be to you?"
He sat there with his eyes closed, and thought about it for a minute.
"She'd be the girl of my dreams." He finally answered, but then she saw his face change as the realization of what she was saying hit him, he opened his eyes and looked at her sympathetically.
"Oh……" he said, "she'd be girl of my dreams..."
"Exactly." Ellie Marie said, lying back down and covering her eyes again.
"Damn Ellie……I don't really know what to say."
"Join the club….."
"How long….?"
"Just a few days." She said, " A few long…..torturous days. Andy tried to warn me, he told me to be careful because if I wasn't I was going to end up falling for Max without meaning to. The problem is, I realized about twelve hours later that his warning had come way too late, I was already completely there. My brain just hadn't caught up to my heart yet."
"Well I gotta say my percentages were way off…." Hawkeye muttered to himself.
"What?" She asked.
"Nothing….." he said, "so what are you going to do about it?"
"What can I do? There's literally no good choices here, Hawkeye."
"But……look I know I'm not exactly the poster child for morality, and I can't say I've been the biggest proponent of true love in my lifetime but you just basically said it yourself, you two are made for each other. I don't know that I've ever seen two people who fit quite as perfectly as the two of you. You just make sense. Are you really going to let that pass you by?"
"He's married Hawkeye!" She said, sitting up to look at him, "he already has his true love. What the hell kind of person would I be if I tried to mess with that because of my feelings? And even if I was that terrible of a person, what if I told him and he didn't feel the same way? I would lose him completely. No, this isn't something he can ever find out."
"So what are you going to do then?" Hawkeye asked, "just avoid him forever? Because I hate to break it to you but he's already starting to notice, and it's tearing him up. He thinks he did something wrong."
She dropped her head into her hands and groaned in frustration.
"God…..how did I mess this up so badly?" She said quietly, "It just snuck up on me you know? I've never been good at the feelings stuff. It's always kinda been a chore for me to sort that stuff out. Never in my life did I think it could happen without me even trying, and especially to this level! It's like I walked directly into quicksand and didn't even notice until I was up to my neck!!" She pressed her palms to her eyes, "a week ago everything was fine. We were best friends, and he was just Max. Now he's…..ugh he's Maaax!" She flopped with her face against the cot.
"Five days ago I could spend an entire day in a room with him without a second thought, now as soon as he walks through the door I can't take my eyes off of him. Those sweet dimples, his big brown eyes. He takes my breath away and it's literal hell. And by the way if you tell anyone a single word that I've said in this tent, I'll murder you." She shot him a glare.
"My lips are sealed." He said, raising his hands in surrender,"I swear it. But at the risk of sounding redundant, what are you gonna do?"
"I guess….I'm just going to have to stop being in love with him."
"Not to be a downer here, but that doesn't seem like a strategy with a high likelihoodof success." Hawkeye pointed out.
"Well it's the only one I've got!" She said angrily, "It hurts like hell to be close to him right now, and it hurts like hell to be away from him because he's my best friend in the world, and I don't know how to function without him. So I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. At least if I pretend like everything is fine, the only person hurting is me. And who knows? If I pretend for long enough, maybe it eventually will be."
"That stinks…." Hawkeye said sympathetically.
"That's life." She said with a shrug.
"Well…at least you have one thing going for you now….." Hawkeye said, "you're not in it alone anymore….anytime it feels like it's too much…or you just need to vent, or a shoulder to cry on….I'm here."
"Thanks Hawk…" she said, "truly, thank you. Just saying it outloud has already helped. I've just gotta shove it to the back of my mind and forget about it. Maybe this is all some big life lesson, ya know? Like now I know the type of guy I should be looking for, whenever he happens to show up."
"Yeah, and I mean if you think about it, when he does at least you know he'll be easy to spot." Hawkeye pointed out, "How many hairy Lebanese men in sequin evening gowns can there be in the world really?" Ellie Marie laughed.
"Yeah, about that…..who would have thunk it?"
"For what it's worth…..in another lifetime I think the two of you could have been one for the ages…." Hawkeye said.
"For what it's worth….I agree." She said, "but for some people I think maybe the timing just never works out, and that's something they have to live with. Think about it, if every person on the planet found their soulmate and got their happy ever after we wouldn't have any lonely hearts, or divorce would we?"
"What a cheerful thought." Said Hawkeye.
"I was going for realistic, not cheerful." She said. There was a knock on the door.
"Am I ok to enter?" B.J. said, peeking his head through the door.
"Oh course you are." Said Ellie Marie , "it's your house. And you've come at the perfect moment. Hawkeye has thoroughly talked me out of my funk and we were about to move into the fun drinking part of the evening."
"We were?" Hawkeye said.
"Indubitably my good fellow!" She said, holding out her glass to him again.
———-
"Ugh…why do they have to be so loud…." Ellie Marie groaned, as they walked into the mess hall where the mazes had been assembled for the mouse race.
"I dunno seems like everyone's talking at a normal volume to me." said B.J.
"Yes but they're all doing it at once!" Ellie Marie moaned, clutching her head.
"It's not their fault you tried to set the record for how much gin a person can consume in a 8 hour period." B.J. pointed out.
"As I recall, I wasn't the only one consuming." She pointed out.
"And you are also not the only one suffering." Hawkeye grumbled behind her, "I don't even remember passing out."
"It was during our third rendition of My Fair Lady." Ellie Marie said.
"Which one was that?" He asked.
"The one where you were Eliza Doolittle." B.J. said.
"Oh damn….that's when we really hit our stride." Said Hawkeye.
"Hey….." said Ellie Marie to B.J., "why aren't you as hungover as us?"
"Because I stopped drinking after the first rendition." He replied.
Hawkeye leaned over to Ellie Marie conspiratorially.
"So….I'm gonna go see my bookie before the big match." He said quietly, indicating to the table in the corner where Klinger sat counting money, "you coming along?"
"Yep…." She said, taking a deep breath.
"Klinger I've got ten dollars on a dame named Daisy," Hawkeye said, handing him the money.
"Alright Captain gotcha down for 10 big ones on the little lady with 10 to 1 odds. Good luck to you!"
Ellie Marie sunk heavily onto the bench beside him.
"Hey G…..look don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you kinda look like you got run over by a jeep." He said.
"That would be because I attempted to find the bottom of the still. Breaking news…..it's bottomless."
"Twenty dollars on Daisy, Klinger." said Father Mulcahy.
"Twenty bucks? You must be crazy Father!"
"Klinger, for 10 to 1 odds, I'd bet against Notre Dame."
Klinger took his money and then turned back to her.
"Any particular reason you decided to experiment with alcohol poisoning?" He asked.
"Let's just say I had a few things I needed to get out of my system." She replied.
"If you say so…." He said, as he turned to record Bigalow's bet of five dollars.
"Hey Max…." She said.
"Yeah?"
"We're good right?"
"I dunno….." He turned back to face her, "I kinda feel like that's something you need to tell me. So, are we good, Ellie?"
"We're good." She said with a smile, but then groaned and flopped her head on the table as another wave of nausea hit her. Max laughed.
"Let me take these last couple bets and I'll go get you some coffee." He said.
"Ugh….thank you. You sir, are a prince among men." She responded.
"That's a pretty scrawny mouse you got there." The marine taunted.
"Says you!" Snapped Radar.
"She's a little on the thin side, but she's quick!" Hawkeye interjected.
"We'll see…" said the Marine, "Sluggo's ready."
"So's Daisy!"
"Alright let's get them in their spots." Said Hawkeye.
Radar went to put Daisy in her maze, but Ellie Marie noticed he was having a hard time keeping hold of her.
"Hey Daisy…take it easy honey…"Radar said quietly, trying to calm her.
"Alright, on your mark, get set, go!" Hawkeye shouted, and the cacophony of cheers threatened to split Ellie Marie's head in two. The mice took off through the maze and Daisy was moving faster than Ellie Marie had ever seen any mouse move in her life.
"Radar I don't know what you did, but she's amazing!" said B.J.
"'It's Mighty Mouse!" Klinger cheered.
"Daisy is that you?" Said Radar, seemingly just as surprised as the rest of them.
There was a tense moment when Daisy suddenly turned around and started going back the way she came, but in the end she righted herself and soundly beat the marines mouse Sluggo to the cheers of her adoring fans.
"This is just the beginning." Hawkeye said, after the race was over and the marines were gone, "We'll build that mouse a farm in Kentucky. Begin a whole new breed. I'm gonna knit her the cutest little winner's wreath you ever saw."
"Come on everyone! Let's go over to Rosie's to toast the winners." Father Mulcahy said, "First rounds on the parish!" Everyone cheered.
"I'll join you in a minute Father, I just wanna make sure Daisy gets tucked in nice and safe first." Said Radar.
"What do you say Ellie?" Hawkeye asked, "there's no cure quite like the dog that bit you."
"You in Freddie?" She asked, looking over at Klinger.
"I'm game if you are." He said with a shrug, and they all headed for the door, but Ellie Marie looked back and noticed that Charles was still sitting at the table by the maze. She elbowed Hawkeye and nodded towards him.
"Looks like crisis number two might be stepping onto center stage." She said quietly.
"Charles, what's wrong? you won." Hawkeye said.
"I know." Charles said, but his voice was thin.
"What's wrong?" said B.J. repeated as they all turned back.
"I don't know….." He gasped as his breathing became more rapid and frantic, "I don't know!"
"Charles, look at me." Ellie Marie said, kneeling in front of him and holding his gaze, "I need you to breathe ok? In through your nose, out through your mouth. You know what to do." He nodded and took a few short gulping breaths.
"I don't like this…. His color is awful." said Hawkeye.
"I know..I'm usually such a happy person…full of fun…" Charles rambled between gasping breaths. Ellie Marie pressed her fingers to his wrist to check his pulse.
"It's running like a train." She said.
"Let's get him to the Swamp." Said Hawkeye, and he and B.J. each grabbed an arm and hoisted him up.
"I feel so bad…." He whimpered.
"It's ok….just take it easy…" said B.J.
"This started out as such a wonderful evening…." Charles replied.
A few minutes later Ellie Marie and Klinger stood waiting outside the Swamp where they could clearly see a very restless Charles pacing endless circles.
"Look at him…..like a whirling dervish." Hawkeye said, stepping outside with B.J., "Why would his pressure be 160 over 100? This is not just from long hours and over fatigue."
"Could uppers by chance do something like that?" Klinger asked.
"Charles on drugs? I can't imagine it….but I mean anything's possible." B.J. said, "why do you ask?"
"Well ya see…..I was in the lab with him the other day, after that killer of an O.R. session we had, and I kinda asked him if there was anything in there that he could give me as a pick me up."
"Maxwell!" Ellie Marie chastised.
"I know I know….." He said, shooting her a guilty look, "I was just beat. But he was going on and on about these little pills. Ana….something."
"Amphetamines." Hawkeye said.
"Yeah that's the one, and how just one could keep you juiced all day but they were super potent, and could only be prescribed by a doctor."
"Seems like the doctor's been doing a little prescribing of his own." B.J. observed.
"Let's go see what he has to say for himself." Said Hawkeye. They all walked back into the Swamp together.
"Amphetamines, Charles? Really?" Hawkeye said.
"What? Pierce I haven't the faintest idea what you're…" He stopped when he noticed Klinger and Ellie Marie standing by the doorway.
"You….impudent, loud mouthed, despicable little….." Charles moved towards Klinger but Ellie Marie stepped quickly into his path.
"Back off…" she growled, glaring him down until he turned and went back to his pacing, shooting daggers at Klinger.
"I'm going to report you for this." He snapped.
"What? you're going to tell the Colonel that he blabbed to everyone about your dope problem?' B.J. countered.
"When did you start taking them?" Hawkeye asked.
"None of your business." Charles grumbled.
"We can make it our business." Ellie Marie said pointedly.
"Look, my good people. I was feeling run down, and those helped to pick me up. I'm administering them myself, and I know what I'm doing."
"Oh do you? Do you really?" Hawkeye asked, "Let me tell you something Doctor. The patient you placed under your care is falling to pieces."
"That's ridiculous." Charles muttered.
"Charles please." said Ellie Marie, "take a look at what this little pick me up has done to you. Your blood pressures up, your hearts palpitating, your hands are shaking. We're not trying to shame you here. You need help."
"Excuse me sirs….and ma'am." Said Radar at the door.
"Not now Radar."said B.J.
"Uh…sir this is an emergency. It's Daisy. I can't calm her down after the race. She keeps running around her cage and uh, first she shadow boxes, then she tap dances, then it's like she's tryin' to play the drums or somethin."
"Sounds like Daisy may have gotten her own prescription from Dr. Live wire." Said B.J.
"She'll calm down, I gave her a mouse's portion." Charles said.
"What's he mean?" Radar asked.
"Hey means he slipped Daisy some pep pills before her big race." Klinger said.
"You drugged my Daisy sir?" Radar asked, and Charles nodded.
"How could you do that?"
"She was in no danger, I assure you."
"Hey listen!" Said Radar, his voice rising, "Don't you tell me that! I raised her from a pup! I mean, I know you're a sir, sir but I…..if you ever touch my animals again I'll have something to say about it! And it won't be Corporal to Major either, it'll be man to man!"
"I'm sorry…." Charles tried to say, but Radar had already stormed out.
"I hope the Marines don't find out about this…." Said Klinger.
"I think we better give the Marines their money back while we're still alive. What do you say Charles?" Hawkeye added.
"Yes of course." He said, he pulled out a large wad of bills from his pocket and handed them to Hawkeye.
"I don't know how this happened." Charles said, his voice quavering, "I've never been so ashamed in my life."
Ellie Marie crossed the room and put a hand on his shoulder in comfort. After a moment he covered her hand with his and gave it a squeeze.
"If you will all excuse me….." He said, moving towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Hawkeye asked.
"Throw up…." He gulped as he ran for the latrine. B.J. And Hawkeye burst into laughter.
"What do you say we head over to Rosie's now and get that drink on the father?" Hawkeye said.
"Why not?" Ellie Marie said, "the drinks I had in here earlier were from the depths of hell, couldn't hurt to even it out with a blessed one."
"Hey." She added quietly, looping her arm though Klinger's as they walked, "don't even think for a second you're off the hook about the whole, 'asking Charles for drugs' thing. We will be discussing that later Corporal." He grinned at her.
"What's that smile for?" She asked.
"It's just nice to have you back." He said.