Chapter 25
Uijeongbu Korea; May 11th, 1952
"Here's the medical release forms for Private Jancewicz, Captain Lennox." Klinger said, coming through the door from the office.
"Thank you Corporal. You can put them here on the desk." Ellie Marie replied.
He placed them next to her and then leaned over to kiss the side of her neck just below her ear.
"Max! Father Mulcahy is right there!" She scolded under her breath, indicating a few beds down the aisle in Post Op, where the priest sat with a patient.
"It's ok, I'll say 3 Hail Mary's when I get back to my desk."
"You're not Catholic…." She pointed out.
"Oh yeah….so then what the hell do I care for?" He said.
He kissed her neck three more times in quick succession, making her laugh and push him away.
"Enough of that Corporal! You'll make our patients sicker than they already are!" Hawkeye called from the end of the ward where he'd walked in with B.J. and a very miserable looking Charles.
"Yes sir." Klinger said with a smirk.
"I see our wandering minstrel has returned safely from his voyage to Tokyo." Ellie Marie observed.
"Safely….is a very loose term for how I have returned…." Charles said weakly.
"Man…. Looks like those medical convention floozies sure know how to party." Klinger commented.
"Oh you don't know the half of it." Hawkeye said with a grin, "let us catch Charles up on our little epidemic situation and then we'll fill you in."
"Pierce….I know this may seem redundant at this point but I would like to reiterate that I loathe you." Charles grumbled.
"I know Charles…." Hawkeye said placatingly as he grabbed him by the shoulder and steered him towards the patient Father Mulcahy was sitting with, "Stagger this way…."
"Uh Hawkeye, we have a request for water here." The Father said.
"No. Sorry Shaw, You're gonna have to wait." Hawkeye said.
"Aww come on…" The man groaned.
"Corporal Shaw is the proud owner of a case of Korean hemorrhagic fever." Hawkeye explained, "No liquid. His kidneys have shut down."
"Better known as phase two." B.J. said.
"He never forgets a phase." Hawkeye quipped, and Father Mulcahy and Corporal Shaw chuckled.
"So this is hemorrhagic fever." Charles said, sitting down by the patient and examining him, " First case I've ever seen. How are you feeling, young man?"
"Okay…" Shaw answered, "but I sure would like something to drink."
"Please do not say, 'drink'" Charles moaned, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath through his nose.
"You got it too Doc?" Shaw asked.
"No….regrettably, my pain is self-inflicted." Charles said.
"Not a pretty sight is it?" B.J. said.
"Poor devil's a victim of bottle fatigue." Hawkeye explained, "Got it during an entire night of hand to glass combat."
"Don't worry Shaw. No matter how rotten you feel, you're in better shape than Major disaster here." B.J. added, "Take it easy. We'll see you later."
"He's a very sick young man isn't he?" Charles said quietly, as they walked down the ward to join Ellie Marie and Klinger at the desk.
"Yeah." Hawkeye agreed. "And we've got two more cases warming up in the bullpen."
"Three." Ellie Marie corrected, "Corporal Stein started showing symptoms this morning." B.J. cursed under his breath.
"Couple more days and they're gonna be in the same shape as him." He said.
"Would it help to send them down to Seoul?" Charles asked.
"I don't think so." Hawkeye said, " So far nobody's been able to find an effective treatment anywhere."
"And their blood vessels have weakened so much the trip alone might kill them." Ellie Marie added.
"Well, it seems then, that there is nothing to do but wait." Charles said.
"Very astute observation Charles." Hawkeye agreed, "and while we wait….who wants to hear about what Charles got up to in Tokyo?" He grinned.
"Which he himself has no recollection of I might add." B.J said.
"Actually I'll do you one better." Hawkeye continued, "who wants to see what Charles got up to?" He held up a canister of film.
"Now we're talking!" Klinger said with a grin.
"Think you could run these over to x-Ray oh Alibaba, Prince of Thieves?" Hawkeye asked.
"You got it sir." Klinger responded, "Give me an hour and I'll give you some snapshots worth their weight in gold."
"Excellent, my good man!"
"Fine…." Charles said tiredly, "have your fun at my expense. I am going to sleep. Gentlemen….lady," He turned to head back towards the doors, but Hawkeye and B.J. each grabbed him by an arm.
"A nap you say?" B.J. asked.
"We know just the place for it." Hawkeye said.
"Oh…no no no…" Charles whined as they half led half drug him through the office doors.
————
"Attention Attention! Fellow colleagues! Welcome to the 4077th staff meeting!" Klinger announced enthusiastically a few minutes later. "It gives me great pleasure to introduce our distinguished speaker for the afternoon!"
"Klinger….can it." Colonel Potter said as he stood up from his place at his desk.
"Aww…I had 'em right in the palm of my hand sir!"
"I know." The Colonel said with a smirk, " You were knocking it out of the park. Now shuffle off to Buffalo."
"You've been a great audience! Good night ladies and germs!"
Ellie Marie reached out and snagged his hand giving it a squeeze as he walked past her into the main office.
"Alright everyone. Let's settle down." Colonel Potter said, leaning against the front of his desk and addressing the room, "Pierce, Hunnicutt…nice of you to bring a cadaver."
Charles groaned from his seat in the corner.
"You really do look rotten, Major." Margaret said sympathetically. He groaned again in response.
"You think he looks bad, you should see Tokyo." Hawkeye teased.
"Winchester if you're done mooing." Colonel Potter said, "I'll get down to brass tacks. We're smack in the middle of our semi-annual visit from everybody's favorite disease, Korean hemorrhagic fever. Major Houlihan and I have the latest poop from H.Q."
"It still doesn't appear to be contagious." Margaret said, "The most likely causes seem to be small insects, chiggers or mites."
"I just love the way your nostrils flare when you talk medical." Hawkeye quipped, and she shot him a look.
"Doctor….pay attention." She said flatly.
"I am…I am! It might be mites!" He said quickly.
"At least they're positive they're not sure." B.J. said.
"About the only thing we do know for sure is that 10 to 20% of people who get it are gonna die. Surgeon General's office calls that number significant." Colonel Potter said. "My choice would be appalling. And they've sent us a change in the prescribed treatment of patients in phase three."
"Good timing. We've got Shaw in there warming up for phase three right now." B.J. said.
"Just to refresh our memories Colonel," Ellie Marie said, "Phase three is characterized by abnormally high urinary output, delirium, severe loss of appetite and sometimes coma."
"Thank you Captain Lennox."
"See, don't you think she's sexy when she talks like that?" Hawkeye said to Klinger, who'd reappeared and was leaning against the doorframe.
"I always think she's sexy, but yeah…when she does that doctor talk it definitely gets me hot…." Klinger agreed.
"See Margaret. I told you." Hawkeye said.
"Corporal…." Colonel Potter said pointedly.
"Right….right…I'm going." Klinger said, raising his hands and heading back towards his desk.
"And Captain…" He turned to Hawkeye.
"Severe loss of appetite and sometimes coma. I'm with you Colonel." Hawkeye said.
"So what do they want us to do for Shaw?" B.J. asked.
"Well…as soon as his kidney's get back to work, the latest word is no intravenous saline solution." Colonel Potter said.
"No I.V. saline?" Hawkeye said incredulously, "what are we supposed to give him? Hot chocolate?"
"Colonel, these kids are gonna be putting out huge amounts of fluid!" Ellie Marie said.
"They're going to be losing sodium by the pound." B.J. added.
"I know…along with potassium chloride and everything but their socks." Colonel Potter agreed. "Are you getting any of this Winchester?" He added.
"Hanging on every sock, sir." Charles said, without opening his eyes.
"Nonetheless, the directive is very clear." Margaret said, "The procedure using I.V. solution of 5% salt is discontinued."
"Has to be." The Colonel said, "These kids can't handle it. In many cases fluids just fill up the lungs."
"So the preventive medicine drowns them internally. Lovely." Ellie Marie said.
"Now all we need is a cure for the cure." added B.J.
"According to H.Q. it's no saline. Let the disease run its course." Colonel Potter said.
"So what do we do?" Hawkeye asked tensely, "We just stand around like dummies and do nothing?"
"Surely Colonel there is something we can do. We are physicians not spectators." Charles pointed out.
"Colonel, does that say no saline at all?" Ellie Marie asked.
"That's right. At all." He confirmed.
"I'd put that under the heading of overcompensation." B.J. muttered.
"You know the Army Beej. A ton of prevention for an ounce of cure…" said Hawkeye.
"Call it what you want Pierce, I think they mean it." Colonel Potter said, he shook the memo out and read aloud, "Failure to follow the procedure in this directive will be treated as a court martial offense and can result in automatic loss of rank and pay, and dishonorable discharge. Comprende?"
"Oh…the Army's going soft…" Hawkeye grumbled, "they left out the rack and thumbscrews."
"Excuse me Doctors." Father Mulcahy stuck his head in, "They need you in Post Op, Corporal Shaw has reached stage three. He's putting out urine by the gallon."
————
"Hey…Earth to Ellie Marie."
She jumped slightly, and looked down at Max where he was sitting at his desk.
"What? Sorry love, I'm distracted."
He stood up in front of her and brushed her braid back over her shoulder placing a hand on the side of her neck.
"Where'd you go?" He asked.
"I'm just worried about the guys in Post Op." She said, "I hate not being able to do anything to help them. We're just sitting around waiting to see if they live. It goes against all my instincts as a nurse, and a future doctor for that matter."
"I know baby…" Klinger said, brushing his thumb across her cheek, "but the way I see it, you got two options. You can sit here and tie yourself in knots over what might happen, or you can get on with day to day life and distract yourself. Outcome is gonna be the same either way.
She gave a small smile and put her hand against his side.
"And people say you're not smart…." She teased, pulling him in to kiss him.
"You due for a break?" She asked as she pulled away.
"Yeah I got about twenty minutes banked, whatcha thinking?"
"Wanna head into the supply room for an anatomy and physiology lesson?" She teased, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Always." He said with a laugh, "but I got something I think you might like even better."
"Highly doubtful." She said, making him smile again. He leaned down and pulled a small envelope out of his desk drawer.
"Major Winchester's pictures."
She grinned at him and jumped up in excitement.
"Well what are we waiting for??" She said, "to the Swamp!" She grabbed his hand, and they tore across the compound.
"Hey guys get a load of this!" Klinger said, poking his head in and waving the envelope in front of him.
B.J. and Hawkeye who were sitting at the chessboard looked up immediately. Charles seemed to still be unconscious.
"I got Major Winchester's pictures." Klinger said grinning.
He and Ellie Marie entered the tent as the other two Captains scurried over to them and grabbed the envelope greedily, giggling with anticipation. Hawkeye started to open the envelope but B.J. put a hand on his arm.
"Hawk…"
"What?"
"Let's be fair."
"Alright…." Hawkeye sat down next to the sleeping Charles. "CHARLES DO YOU WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR PICTURES OR DO YOU WANT TO SLEEP SOME MORE?" He said loudly.
"Whhaaa?" Charles groaned groggily, rolling over and blinking at them.
"Perfect." Hawkeye said, giggling as he opened the envelope, "Oh I can hardly wait!"
"Wow…that must have been some party!" B.J. said as they began flipping through the photos.
"Funny Major, I never would have taken you for a lampshade on the head man." Klinger said.
"Give me those you vermin!" Charles growled, attempting and failing to snatch the pictures from Hawkeye.
They were all laughing now.
"Good heavens Charles!" B.J. gasped. Hawkeye's amusement had evolved beyond words as he doubled over in laughter.
"Aww…don't feel bad Charles. You look adorable with smiles painted on your knees." Ellie Marie teased.
"It's all just a blur…." Charles murmured, "It must have been the sake punch."
"How many did you have?" Ellie Marie asked.
"Two…or three…..bowls."
Their laughter doubled.
"Ooooo! here you are dancing with the back of a very nicely constructed lady." Hawkeye said, still giggling and wiping his eyes.
"I don't think that's dancing." B.J. said, "more like he's falling and she's holding him up."
"Uh oh. The plot thickens!" Klinger said, holding up another picture, "The lady's back is back again. And again!" He held up a second picture. "Unfortunately, there aren't any pictures showing her face."
"Can you blame her? She could be arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a Major." B.J. said.
"Charles, are you serious about this woman or is this just two ships that pass in the night?" Hawkeye asked.
"Oh I think it's serious Hawk." Ellie Marie teased, handing him another picture, "Look at that kiss!"
"Oooo and she's got a bouquet." B.J. said.
"Here's one where she's throwing the bouquet!" Max said, waving the picture and wiggling his eyebrows.
In their momentary distraction Charles made another lunge and was successful in grabbing the envelope with the remaining pictures from Hawkeye's hands. They all groaned.
"Get away!" He snapped, "You'll see no more of these!"
"Awww come on Charles, it's just getting interesting!" Hawkeye whined.
"Don't worry, I got all the negatives." Klinger said, "One set for you guys….and one for the Boston Herald." He smiled smugly at Charles.
"You swine!" Charles growled, flopping back down on his bed.
"My future's assured now." Klinger continued, "big house with a pool, summers in the South of France, parole for my uncle. He wants to go to law school."
"I have never wanted you more…." Ellie Marie said with a grin.
"Out!" Charles snapped, "If you have a shred of human decency left you'll let me suffer in peace!"
"Alright Charles….we'll go." Ellie Marie said.
"Listen Charles, I know things seem pretty grim for you right now." Hawkeye said, "but you just get a little rest and you'll have smiles on your knees in no time."
"OUT!!"
——-
"Thanks for the Charles thing today." Ellie Marie said, "You were right, it was a fun distraction. But for the record, I definitely still prefer the distraction I had in mind." Klinger chuckled at that and leaned in to kiss her.
They were sitting on his bed in the main office, leaning against the wall, curled up together with their legs entwined.
"How crazy was that though?" Klinger said, "I gotta say I can't even imagine the Major letting loose and partying like that. He's…"
"Got a perpetual stick up his butt?" Ellie Marie finished, making him laugh.
"Yeah, pretty much." He agreed.
"He has the ability to loosen up, it's just a very rare occurrence." She said.
"Oh yeah…." He said with a teasing smirk, "I forgot you and ol' Chuck had your own punch drunk evening."
"Not one that ended with smiles on his knees, but yes, I've seen the more….easy side of his personality."
"How come he never shows that around here?" Klinger asked, " cuz I kinda feel like lampshade headed Charles is a guy I could actually have some fun with."
"He doesn't trust the people here." Ellie Marie said, "he feels like he's villainized in this camp, not that he doesn't bring a lot of it on himself, and he feels like no one really cares about his interests or hobbies. That's actually something the two of you have in common, now that I think about it. Talk about ironic. The difference being that you handle it much more maturely than he does." She kissed him, "but anyway Charles can't let loose here because he knows it would be used against him, especially by his bunkies."
"But he trusted you enough to let loose." Klinger pointed out, "to let really loose in fact."
"Watch it Corporal." Ellie Marie said, with a wry smile. "And I don't know why Charles trusted me, except possibly because at the time I was one of the few people in camp who'd never had any direct confrontation with him, so he didn't see me as an adversary. That has obviously changed since."
"Nah…it hasn't." Klinger said, "You two have had your fights but they're mostly about me. Which is kinda weird when I say it outloud….but anyway he still respects you and thinks of you as a friend. I can see it in the way he looks at you. Even if you were, two ships that passed in the night. As Hawkeye put it."
Ellie Marie swatted him in the arm, just as the phone rang. He got up still chuckling and went to answer it.
"M*A*S*H 4077th. What? Who? Oh yeah I can get him….who should I tell him is calling? Who?? Alright Ma'am I'll go get him. One minute please."
He turned back to Ellie Marie, and his face had gone pale with shock. He looked up at her and seemed dazed.
"What is it?" She asked, getting up quickly.
"It's for Major Winchester." He said slowly.
"Ok…..so who is it?" Ellie Marie asked, still confused.
"It's a lady. And when I asked her for her name, she said "Mrs. Chuck Winchester the Third."
"What?" Ellie Marie said, as the meaning of his words crashed down on her, "WHAT??" She repeated.
———-
"We're getting nowhere." Hawkeye sighed, setting down Shaw's chart. "All anybody knows for sure is hemorrhagic fever has two H's two R's and no cure."
"Says here under recommended treatment "see miracle." B.J. said. They all walked back down the ward together.
"So how's your newlywed bunkie?" Elle Marie asked. They both grinned.
"Oscillating between panic, denial, and rage." B.J. said.
"Unprincipled little blackmailer!" An angry voice echoed from the office.
"Ah there's the blushing groom now." Hawkeye said.
"Seems like the dial's currently set to rage." B.J. observed.
"Doesn't fool me for a minute you know!" Charles said, walking into the room as if continuing a conversation they'd previously been having, "Gets me blotto and then marries me! With one beady little eye on my name and the other on my inheritance!"
"Obviously a woman of double vision." Hawkeye muttered.
"Well she's overlooked one detail." Charles continued rambling, "the finest lawyer in the world practices in Boston and lives in my father's back pocket!"
"Sounds comfy." B.J. quipped.
"She's lying…." Charles muttered, now pacing the aisle, "How could I get married and not remember?"
"What do you mean, how?? You forgot an entire Tuesday!" Ellie Marie pointed out.
"Probably dragged me off to one of those instant marriage parlors like a common sailor…" Charles grumbled, clearly not listening.
"Hey Beej, Hawk…." Ellie Marie said, looking down at the H.Q. directive they'd been sent, "according to this Dr. Vester guy, all anybody's ever tried is increasing the concentration of saline."
"What if I'm really married…." Charles said weakly, "what am I gonna do…"
"Uh oh Dad…maybe it's time we had the talk with him." B.J. said to Hawkeye.
"Doctors!" Kelly called from the end of the row, "It's Shaw! He's going into shock!"
"Okay Charles, want to take your mind off your troubles? Lend us a hand." Hawkeye said.
"Gladly." Charles said, following them down the row, "Might as well save on life. Mine's certainly over."
"Came on pretty quick." Kelly said, as they reached the bed.
"He still losing fluids?" Ellie Marie asked.
"By the gallon."
"What do the lab reports say about his sodium levels?"
Kelly handed her the chart.
"Let's talk about this outside." B.J. said, "the guys down the aisle don't need to hear about coming attractions."
They stepped out the Post Op doors, and she handed the chart to Hawkeye.
"Look at this….120." He said.
"What do you think, Hawk?" She asked.
"I think if his sodium drops another ten points it's goodnight nurse."
"We gotta do something to replace that sodium, and fast." said B.J.
"Can't risk it, Hunnicutt." Charles said, "According to the directive the saline could kill him."
"Wait a minute." Ellie Marie said, "Remember what I was saying about Dr. Vester? He said the treatment has always been high saline concentrates, up to 5%."
"Right…" said Hawkeye.
"What if we try isotonic saline? Less than 1%?"
"Same sodium content as blood plasma." B.J. said, "Shaw should be able to handle that."
"Let's go over this one more time." Charles said, "If we try this, and it fails, that boy could die and we'd be criminally liable. On the other hand if we do nothing, we know he's going to die."
"And we've three other boys in there that are gonna be in the same shape any time now." Hawkeye said.
"So we don't have a choice, we do it." said B.J.
"We'll have to run it by Potter first." Hawkeye said, "he's in his office. I'll go talk to him now. Ellie, prepare the I.V., and good thinking. You're gonna make one hell of a doctor someday."
A Jeep came speeding into the compound behind them.
"I have a feeling that might be for you Chuck." B.J. said.
"Chuck!! Here I am!!" A gorgeous blond woman jumped out of the Jeep smiling.
"What are you waiting for? Go get her Chuck." Ellie Marie teased, and she walked back inside with her fellow Captains.
An hour later she was sitting beside Shaw monitoring his vitals, as Hawkeye walked up.
"No sign of fluid in his lungs." She said, "What'd you find out on his labs?"
"So far so good. His sodium is beginning to move up."
"You think we're onto something here?"
"I dunno….what we're doing is so simple."
"So was the wheel." B.J. said, coming up next to him, "I hear that's catching on pretty well."
"If only there was something we could rebuild, a piece of something we could take out." Hawkeye said.
"Hey doc…" Shaw croaked. They all snapped their attention to him.
"Did you say something?" Hawkeye said breathlessly, "Say you said something!"
"What do I have to do to get something to eat around here?" Shaw said tiredly.
"He's hungry!" Ellie Marie said, jumping up and hugging Hawkeye, "He's hungry!!!"
She, Hawkeye, and B.J. all jumped and hugged in excitement.
"Shaw, I will get you any food your heart desires! You just keep getting better!' Hawkeye said happily.
B.J looked at Ellie Marie with a warm smile.
"Congratulations Dr. Lennox." He said, "you just saved your first four lives."
——-
"You're right. This is way better than making fun of Charles' pictures." Klinger said, pulling her in close and kissing her shoulder. Ellie Marie giggled and leaned back against him.
"Told ya." She replied smugly.
"Have I mentioned in the past ten minutes how damned proud I am of you?" He said.
"No, I think it's been at least fifteen." She teased. She ran her fingers through his hair as he kissed the side of her neck from collar bone to ear.
"Well I am." He said, "Not one of those doctors figured out how to help those patients. Not Winchester, not Hunnicutt, not even Pierce. You did baby. You're so damned amazing." He nipped at her ear.
"Well gee thanks Max…."She said with a wry smile. She rolled over to face him.
"Hey Toledo."
"Yeah?"
"I like you and I love you."
"I like you and I love you too gorgeous."
She pulled his mouth to hers, but then suddenly the supply room door burst open. She jumped, yanking the blankets up to her chin, and Klinger quickly sat up in front of her shielding her.
"Sorry! Sorry!" Hawkeye said, as he and B.J quickly turned around.
"Geez guys!" Klinger said, "There's a hanger on the door for a reason! I'd think you of all people would know how the system works, Hawkeye!"
"I know, you're right I do! I just wasn't paying attention." He said over his shoulder. "We were looking for a place to sleep."
"Don't you have a very large tent in the center of camp for that exact purpose." Ellie Marie said.
"Yeah but it's….currently occupied." B.J. said.
"Oh yeah?" Klinger said with a smirk, "what kind of occupied?"
"How about you give us a minute, before we all have a conversation?" Ellie Marie said pointedly.
"You only need a minute? Klinger you need to up your game…" Hawkeye quipped.
"Hawkeye!"
"Alright! Alright!" They walked back into the office and shut the door.
A minute later she and Max exited the room fully clothed with the other two grinning at them.
"If it makes you feel any better I didn't see anything." B.J. said.
"I just got a peek, but what I saw was glorious." Hawkeye teased.
"Ellie you missed a button." He added, she looked down quickly and then back up at his bemused expression.
"Made you look." He said smugly.
"You are such a child." She retorted.
"So what's this about your tent being ocupado?" Klinger asked.
"Well you see, it seems Charles and his lady friend talked it out and he came to the realization that their marriage was in fact, not real." B.J. said.
"Apparently they were married by a bartender at a sushi bar." Hawkeye explained.
Klinger and Ellie Marie laughed.
"But the subsequent relief he felt about his fake marriage seems to have led to a very real consummation." B.J. said.
"Ooo hoo….Well done Chuck!" Klinger said with a laugh. "Well you guys are welcome to the storage room for the night."
"I'd shut the door though if I were you." Ellie Marie added, "this one snores like a water buffalo." She nudged Klinger in the ribs.
"And how pray tell would you be privy to that knowledge Eleanor?" Hawkeye asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh how does anyone know anything…." She said vaguely with a grin.
———-
"We are gathered here!" Hawkeye proclaimed loudly, "For two reasons!"
Charles hiccuped loudly.
"Thank you sir." Hawkeye said, "Firstly, to celebrate Corporal Shaw's first night out!"
They all cheered, and Shaw waved shyly from his wheelchair.
'"And B! To officially dissolve the ersatz marriage of Mr. And Mrs. Chuck Winchester!"
It was a classic 4077th impromptu party. They'd packed the mess tent and a mixture of the Swamps homemade booze and whatever anyone else had on hand was flowing freely. Charles and his faux bride, who'd they come to learn was named Donna Marie, a fact that Ellie Marie found endlessly ironic, were the life of the party. Which was appropriate considering the theme was un-wedding them.
"Father, I realize this ceremony won't be in line with the basic tenets of your religion." Hawkeye said.
"I didn't know tennis was a religion…." Colonel Potter said with a hiccuping laugh.
"No ecclesiastical conflict, Hawkeye." The Father said jovially, "the bartender who married them was a Druid!"
"Alright Father, just get ready to play 'So long, It's Been Good to Know You." Hawkeye said, and the Father took his seat at the piano.
"Flower girl ready?" Hawkeye asked.
"Absolutely!" Klinger called, he'd worn his best blue dress just for the occasion.
"And now to perform the ceremony!" Hawkeye announced, "The irreverend J.B. Honeydew!!"
They all cheered as B.J took the stage in a straw hat and Hawaiian shirt.
"Thank you everyone…" He said, "Hit it Father!"
Father Mulcahy began to play a jaunty tune, and Donna Marie and Charles walked to the front giggling the entire way.
"Do you Charles Emerson Winchester the third? Take this lovely, if gullible young woman, as your unlawful, unwedded, unwife?"
"I undo." He said, still giggling.
"And do you Donna Marie Parker Winchester the third, take this pickled amnesiac."
The two of them burst into laughter and had to hold each other up.
"As your unlawful, unwedded, unhubby?" B.J. finished.
"I undo too!" She proclaimed proudly.
"Then by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication! I now pronounce you man and woman!" B.J. said, "You may ignore the bride!"
They all cheered and cat called, and Charles dipped her low and kissed her. Ellie Marie made her way through the crowd to where Klinger was standing and slipped her arms around him.
"You know, as twisted and backward as this was….it does give a girl ideas." She teased.
"Oh yeah?" He said, raising an eyebrow at her, "Well you know what G? Keep thinking what you're thinking, cuz I got some big plans in the works."
"Oh do you now?" She said, and it was her turn to raise her eyebrows.
"You bet I do gorgeous, and let me tell you it's gonna knock your socks off."