🌸Cherry Blossom Palette🎨
🌸Chapter 47: Spes, or "The Essentials of Artistry"🎨
Written by EmtenDew
Edited by P. serrulata
Author's note:
ED: Naoto makes a decision.
This will be a mostly expositional chapter, playing out in Naoto's head. Some people like that okay, but others don't. This chapter also has a streak of cynicism to it. I know I keep saying it, but once we reach the end of the semester, the story will move much faster.
This chapter was actually going to be part of Chapter 46, but my editor and I are both in agreement that 9,000 words is too long for a chapter. This also gives us a little wiggle room. PS has been dealing with lousy weather and still had a lot of planting to do, so freeing up a week so we didn't fall behind again seemed like a good idea.
I also have some RL stuff to deal with, but it's not as dire as possibly losing out on a good durum harvest. Durum is the kind of wheat used to make pasta. I like spaghetti as much as I like anime, so I'm rooting for my knight in Carhartt coveralls. We're still maintaining a month in advance, and it's working for us.
Please look at the Q&A section I set up at the end of the chapter. Ask us anything, and we'll add another section in the next chapter. I would be happy if you ask questions.
Please enjoy what I wrote.
Sunday, July 14, 2018
The day had been long but pleasant, though not overly productive.
Fresh out of the shower, Naoto Hachioji lay on his bed, the clock reading 8:00 p.m.
His glasses on, he was glad to rest his eyes, free of the contacts.
It also allowed him less strain, reexamining the messages and pics Sakura had sent him, having received them about the time he was leaving the park, having concluded his "sketchy" mission.
They'd all said goodbye in person, but in the digital age, that didn't mean a whole Helluva lot.
He scrolled to the first pic:
We found a size that fit Hana-chan!
Naoto didn't have any idea what Hana's shoe size was, but she was trying on a pair of combat boots like Sakura wore that day.
He kept scrolling:
Check us out!
These pics were more intriguing.
Apparently including a couple of the junk and secondhand shops that Sakura knew as part of their girly-time, they seemed to have had fun, trying on wacky outfits.
But some of the outfits were… pretty awesome.
Hana, in her new boots, made a convincing goth-loli… puffy blouse, black tutu, thigh-high stockings, big black bonnet, and everything else to go with it.
Her dour expression sold it.
And he never thought he'd see anyone elevate that getup from cosplay to something worth looking at…!
It wasn't his thing, but she looked so good, he wouldn't have been averse to being seen with her in public.
While Hana impressed, Sakura amused him on top of impressing him.
Pretty as a spring day and proper as a tea ceremony, she'd dawned a blue and white Victorian-style dress, blue ribbons in her hair, complete with a parasol.
That wowed him.
What got him to laugh was the next picture, Sakura hiking up the attire to show she was still wearing her combat boots and her cocktail dress. She had quite the shit-eating grin on her face.
He dearly wished he'd given the gal's texts a better response than a "thumbs up", but he'd been stumped to do much else.
The morning with the girls had been a ball, and they'd had a ball without him, but he also had a ball knowing that they had a ball.
If only last Saturday afternoon could've been this good!
Naoto was still scowling—even more than before—over how Nagatoro had treated him when they'd gone shopping.
She'd been as nasty as his diarrhea had just been, set loose against his poor toilet one half-hour ago, if less putrid… and yes, less brown.
He'd felt himself getting sick around dinner time and had intentionally waited to take a shower until the dark deed was done and over with and an unpleasant memory.
I'm never eating chicken-fried steak again! His body had vetoed it with great vehemence.
He couldn't decide if his poop-chute hurling mud with the force of a major league ballplayer was worse or not quite as bad as the meat-shit resulting from his beef-binge on Thursday.
And he hadn't even seen the final byproduct of all that kalbi until Saturday, and until it hit him, shortly after finishing booking with the girls (when he was trying to walk home), he'd been certain that he'd constipated himself.
No such luck, "luck" cited with acrimony!
He definitely hadn't been stopped-up, and the resulting meat-missile would've easily and possibly lastingly won him "biggest crap" among his male friends, Shuu and Tohru, but to reaffirm, he didn't share that stuff with them!
And if Sakura, though he wouldn't dream of telling her, brought up that nonsense about him birthing butt-babies again, that would be too much…!
…
When the day had been young, he'd toyed with the conception—not that it would result in conception, unless a man could get his hand, bedsheets, or a sock pregnant—that beating off and taking a nap might've been more worthwhile than the time he'd spent with Nagatoro, and he hadn't changed his mind.
But allowing his mounting cynicism to transform into self-hatred, he reminded himself that he had added to the ol' spank-bank, and Nagatoro's "teasing with a bare leg from behind the curtain" gag ranked second or third on an itemized list of his erogenous assets, behind the "stockings incident" and rivaling "seeing her naked in her own bathtub and lying about it".
Yeah, last Saturday wasn't a TOTAL loss! Since I got some more "material", it was a wash! Maybe it was even a PLUS!
That was the cynicism/self-hatred talking.
Reality was different.
No, that was terrible! I hated that!
That was honesty talking, and he still hated himself for blowing his load and longing to again blow his load over the "moving pictures" in his head, playing on loop Nagatoro, obscured by a shroud, exhibiting her shank, waving it around like a piece of meat for a hungry dog.
…
Senpai~!
Woof! Woof!
Eat, puppy, eat~!
Bark! Bark!
Lick, puppy~!
*Obnoxious baying noises*
…
"Fuck me…" Naoto expelled, screwing his eyes shut.
He shook himself loose of that garbage, and he reached for his sketchbook.
The first thing he'd done after getting home was hit his three most recent sketches with fixative, the two of Sakura and Hana, and the springy-horse.
Now, the works were more durable, and he could admire them with slightly less care.
He was very satisfied with how the sketch of Sakura's "steed" had turned out; the detail was quite excellent by his own standards.
Truth be told, he'd be ashamed of himself if it was bad, considering it was about as still as "still life" art got.
This is something to put in the portfolio!
In addition, it cheered him right up, even in an image, seeing his two comely friends loving each other's company… and hopefully enjoying his.
He recalled Sakura's words:
There's no girl that doesn't want to feel pretty, Senpai-kun. None.
She and Hana were definitely that.
And he wished he had the cajones to say it more directly than the ways he had!
He wished he had the balls to tell Gamo-chan how beautiful she was!
But he assumed—and it wouldn't have made either of them an "ass"—that she already knew.
It was nearly a year before, but she'd surely appreciated his attention to her body at the beach!
…
Speaking of the Maki, she knew some irrefutably strange things currently surrounded the Sakura.
Notwithstanding, it seemed she thought Sakura had merely "hit a snag", and not much else was happening. She marveled at the "simple goodness" or whatever she'd recited of the friendship between Sakura and Hana cropping up, and she'd mentioned that it reminded her of a simpler time in her own life… and perhaps, the lives of many.
Naoto saw—thruthfully—that both of his kohai he'd been helping study each really needed a friend, to which Gamo-chan agreed, and it thrilled him, not that each girl had been hurting (that would be effed up of him), but each had found such a friend.
Past that, Gamo-chan reasonably didn't know anything about just how far off the rails Sakura was taking the whole gyaru façade.
And that was just fine, nobody besides Hana or himself knowing what was happening with Sakura.
How would people react to Sakura leaving amulets all over town for people in need to find?
It could be argued that it would be viewed as childishness from a kook, and that's only if she wasn't labeled a charlatan.
Naoto hadn't expected it, that Sakura had such an innocent and pure love for others.
And "innocent love" was no dilapidation!
Nine out of 10 times, he'd view an action of this sort to be completely phony and the worst kind of affectation, but he had no doubt that she was entirely sincere. She knew what she was doing, and it was nothing to mock.
It absolutely didn't shock him that Hana had already known about it; he knew that Sakura didn't share the same secrets with both of them.
He was cocksure he'd be learning more about each girl, the time spent together yet to come, (hopefully) being fruitful with their lame-o summer homework.
It was sad that their time studying together was over, and this had been pointed out ad nauseam, but this fact no longer got in the way.
…
With the sketchbook still out, Naoto flipped back and forth between the two sketches of his study-buddies.
He could smile and feel pride over both. It was a small accomplishment, really, but he'd made a small step out of his comfort zone, taking on new female subjects.
He knew he'd be able to ask Nagatoro what he'd been waiting, wanting, and needing to ask her.
And he'd do it before the night was out!
He'd cemented himself in that position.
He needed her to model for him.
What he precisely needed to work on wasn't anything messed up, but asking it of Nagatoro was nonetheless a high bar to clear.
Not without cause, he teetered on the precipice of chickening out.
On top of being nervous about it, there was the whole "I'm having some serious mixed thoughts about Nagatoro and her latest conduct towards me" he was dealing with.
Does it have to be Nagatoro?
Hana crossed his mind again, as she had a few times, mainly because utilizing her assistance would be convenient.
She'd do it in a heartbeat, probably, and she wouldn't back out when she knew what it was.
But it just seemed wrong. It really would be taking advantage of her.
And the thought of asking Sakura, Gamo-chan, or Yoshi was out of the question!
He barely allowed this to cross his mind!
He contemplated—and he'd almost settled on—just asking the Prez.
She'd do it easily, probably on her next trip to Hayama, taking no issue with it, and it wouldn't be taking advantage of her, not in the very least. She of all people would understand his reasons.
She might even make a special trip home for the occasion, granted the mood caught her just right!
But he knew he had to ask Nagatoro.
…
He also knew he should forgive her. Not only for Saturday but for all he held against her.
This was easier said than done, her recent behavior troubling him, unquestionably, but more so and above all, he now felt differently than he had about their first encounters, and this had been on the rise for a while.
Until fairly recently, he'd lacked the wherewithal to feel anything but a powerful uneasiness and a mighty ambivalence towards Nagatoro's earliest cruelties.
With a little more substance to him, wrath had replaced discomfort and doubt, not that rage was a healthful or industrious constituent.
In many cases, a person morally didn't have the right—or even the privilege—to change their mind about certain things, and even if they chose to do so, it lacked all worthiness.
But Naoto wasn't some girl who'd willingly slept with some boy who, after the fact, decided—upon completing her long, dehumanizing "walk of shame", facing the mockery and ridicule of others—days, weeks, months, or even years later, that the sexual encounter hadn't been consensual.
Furthermore, he wasn't some snake, lying about a coworker doing untoward things to said snake 10 years ago, when, in fact, nothing had happened at all, and the snake—like the others hurling false accusations—in truth, hated this coworker over religious beliefs held that were out of tune with hissy-snake's and the company's ethos.
And he certainly hadn't taken part in sending some old man to prison, a member in an army of petitioners deciding decades after the fact that the pudding pop hadn't tasted so good. (This is in ill-chosen jest. Dr. Huxtable is a bad man.)
Yes…
Naoto wasn't the one in the wrong; he never had been!
Nagatoro was.
…
He wanted to forgive her, yes, but he knew the difference between blind forgiveness and "thoughtful" forgiveness.
Forgiving was not forgetting, and both parties had an obligation to see the offense never again occurred.
The teasing—no way around it—had begun to bother him to a degree that it affected numerous aspects of his life!
Excluding Nagatoro, the girls, even Sakura—and yes, Hana too—had taken to giving him various degrees of grief, but they had learned where the line was.
Nagatoro didn't seem to know or care about boundaries. This perplexed and hurt him even more than his apparent inability to do anything right by her.
Why can't she just… grow up?!
"…!" He turned away from this.
The girls are all different!
All the time spent with Sakura, he'd thoroughly recognized, likely gave him… a poor indication of what other girls were supposed to be like.
Girls weren't supposed to be anything but themselves!
It wasn't fair to compare Nagatoro to Sakura or anyone else.
It wasn't Nagatoro's fault she was more immature than Sakura.
The girls' family circumstances were more "at fault" than anything in divvying out maturity.
Gamo-chan and Sakura were both the oldest children in their families.
Yoshi, Hana, the Prez, and Naoto himself were all single children, so that didn't tell him much.
But Nagatoro was the little sister of those two assholes, Ichiro and… what's-her-tits.
Huh…
If he'd ever heard Nagatoro's sister's name, he couldn't remember… not that he really gave a fuck.
However, Naoto did know that he was probably greatly overthinking the extent of Big Bro and Big Sis's assholery.
They were assholes, definitely, and they hated him for reasons he couldn't fathom, at least the reasons apart from him wanting to be in their little sister's life.
And he hated them right back.
They were rotten people that didn't want him near the girl he loved—obstacles—sure, but it's not like they were going to kill him or even show up one night, drag him out of his bed, and sodomize him with a cheerleading baton.
…
And…
…
And…
…
And yes, without a doubt, he knew that his loss of control the weekend prior, learning that "Bad Haircut" and "Big Sis" were almost certainly going to be part of his summertime "fun", wasn't some small thing.
He wasn't fooling himself. He knew the sudden ups and downs weren't a good thing.
As sure as his female friends all had really nice legs, he knew!
He knew he'd probably been having anxiety attacks… panic attacks… He wasn't sure of the exact terminology or if the two terms even meant the same thing.
People use "psychopath" and "sociopath" interchangeably, but the two things are clinically different!
One had a soul, and the other didn't. But that wasn't important at the moment; he was done thinking about Nagatoro's siblings for the time being.
…
His anxiety…
Shit, the depression he was fairly sure he had…
He'd never done anything about these, besides wonder if he had such issues.
In fact, the only person to whom he'd even disclosed a notion of half of his problem had been Gamo-chan.
And she'd given the half-assed suggestion he get "checked out", and he'd given her an equally half-assed response.
What, had he not thought of that himself?! Multiple times in the past?! It wasn't unlikely that Gamo-chan didn't have her own personal concerns, steering her towards giving such advice when she herself may benefit from similar intervention.
Naoto had a respectable degree of self-awareness, and he knew it. And it wasn't the fact he was often so hard on himself. He knew he had faults, and he was grounded in this.
However, there was a world of difference between admitting to a few true and existing problems and coming face-to-face with some undeniable revelation that something was not only genuinely sick inside, but that it was extensive and heinous.
That was the biggest reason he'd never sought out help. Something awful might rear its head and upend his life.
Head-doctors and even counselors, he refused to believe that they didn't subscribe to "everyone is sick, and everyone is diagnosable". If there wasn't something right there, glaring back at them, they'd find something. They probably had quotas, making more money and gaining more resources for every nut they sent down to the pharmacy or the asylum!
Naoto knew about depression and anxiety; he'd known what he was feeling at his lowest wasn't normal, and he'd had this mindfulness since he'd become a teenager. But the "abnormal" crap only happened in times of great stress! That was normal, wasn't it? He didn't feel that way every waking moment… or hour or day or even every week.
He knew he was probably ripe for analysis, but who wasn't?!
But…
What if he "wasn't"?
They'd probably throw medication at him regardless and keep tabs on him, and he'd be forever labeled a freak.
…
And then there was Sakura.
What about her therapist?
Naoto concluded that Sakura was sharper than most when it came to seeing through people, and she'd praised Dr. Akashi.
"…" He had to think on that.
But even with people like this Dr. Akashi around, he refused to let go of the convention of "everyone is sick, and everyone is diagnosable".
He wouldn't abandon this, because he knew it to be true, in that everyone had something terminally wrong with them!
Plausibly, it was more a matter of picking patents' brains for the right reasons, instead of looking to get the most tally-marks on a blackboard to win a set of steak-knives or whatever the fuck it was they got for winning their contemptable game!
…
"Yup…" Naoto self-confessed. "I've got problems…"
But he knew he did, and he wasn't in denial of it, so it's not like he was entirely lost.
Though… seeking help?
There was no privacy in Japan, and that was true the rest of the world over.
"Rights" and "privileges" to privacy looked good on bumper-stickers, but everything one wrote, said, messaged, posted, etc., it was all somewhere.
This wasn't paranoia; this was.
And Naoto didn't like the idea of being labeled a nut.
Seeking help in a world where the only secrets kept were the ones never, ever shared was scary.
…
All of the above was important, but Naoto's concerns were more immediate.
Nagatoro wasn't perfect, but they were friends, and he loved her.
Sakura had suggested he try for understanding.
He knew she was right.
He needed to watch and listen and not just react.
Nagatoro didn't know everything about him, but he knew just as little about her.
He had to put faith in her… faith that she'd be both receptive to his appeal and be adult about it.
She was going to hear his question that night, and he'd hopefully receive an answer, but first he had to work up the courage.
…
… …
… … …
… …
…
Courage…
Somehow, Naoto had shown it in patches of late.
Dredging up a little of this nerve, he pulled out Nobuo Takata's letter, found in his shoe-locker two weeks ago. He hadn't read it in a week, but it had been at hand, left under a pamphlet, next to his bed.
…
Hachioji,
This is Takata. I just wanted to let you know a few things. I wanted to tell you this in person, but it was easier for me to write it down than talk.
Considering everything that happened, things with Inori ended about as well as I think they could have. I cannot say if the two of us could ever be friends after what she did, but I think we can stay on okay terms. I expected the fallout to be a lot worse than it is, but I can honestly say the breakup was not ugly. I think things will be fine, and I feel better about it.
As far as you and me go, I want all this to stay between us. I do not want to sound douchey or anything, but we talked about things I would never say to anyone. I know you can understand, one man to another.
Anyway, thanks for hearing me out last week. This was not something I think I could have brought up to my friends or anyone else I know. I wish it was not that way, but it is. You really are something else. It means a lot that you listened to me. I thought I would be alone in this, but thanks to you, I was not.
Signed,
Nobuo Takata
PS: I hope that oil painting you started turned out well, even if it was just for practice. Based on what I saw in your clubroom, I think you and your kohai will have a lot of good things to show by the time the culture fest happens. I look forward to seeing it.
…
The contents of the letter stoked a flame in Naoto's very soul!
He couldn't ever forget!
He'd been able to stand up for Sakura, allowing her to speak to her ex-boyfriend.
He'd been able to help Takata; his hurts couldn't be put aside any more than those of the girl that broke his heart.
He knew he'd helped make a positive difference between those two.
He knew he wasn't a loser…
…
A lot of things had led him up to this point, good and bad!
"…"
Chance had seen Naoto meet Sakura in the rain that Friday night… and much had happened, to say the least.
…
Gamo-chan had sought him out, in need of someone that would treat her like a teenage girl… and like a friend… and listen to her. He'd learned that she didn't hate him at all… and he felt a fool for not letting her know that he didn't hate her; but he was a fortunate fool! And Gamo-chan was a doozy of a young woman.
This hadn't happened just once; it had happened again on Wednesday.
…
Takata had given him props in his defense of Sakura, going so far as to commend his ballsiness. He'd spoken well of Naoto—to his face—and the young artist couldn't say he hadn't felt like a man, staring into another man's eyes, firmly shaking hands!
…
Sakura had allowed the gyaru mask to fade away around him, and he'd become newly acquainted with a pretty girl few had ever seen… one that was thoughtful and kind and funny… and just wanted a friend that liked her for her!
And she'd found that in an arguably unusual place, gaining the friendship of Hana Sunomiya.
He'd like to think that he might be able to fill that same role, however imperfectly.
But he'd also known her pain, and it was never far away in his thoughts of her…
He'd wept for her…
He'd held her in his arms and cried with her…
Though he'd made effort to not dwell upon it, he had little idea of how much Hana knew about Sakura's checkered past, but there was no doubt he knew a great deal more, though it was nothing to brag about.
Still, the good had been far greater than the bad!
As if seeing Sakura and Hana become friends wasn't blessing enough, he'd gotten a whole lot closer with the gal herself!
Seeing new breadths to Hana was pretty great, but Sakura…
Sakura had knocked him for a loop!
They'd walked and talked and laughed and played!
He'd known the gentle weight of her head on his shoulder, her golden locks tickling his earlobe!
He was her "Asshole-kun", and she was… Sakura-san!
He was a man.
He felt like a man!
And he didn't need his cock and balls to tell him that he was!
It had been two steps forward and one step back a lot of the way, but that beat the tar out of the contrary!
So, perhaps he could only "channel" his smoother side in times of need!
It was part of what made him… him.
…
He could stand up for himself! He could face his demons!
He knew he needed to regroup… sort out his feelings… and give time to the things that needed it!
But he was still a man!
He was scared, but only a rube would call that cowardice in and of itself!
He had courage! He'd done things in the last month the old Naoto never would've been able to do!
And he had courage enough to ask Nagatoro to model for him again!
He was scared, but he'd do it anyway!
So, he just did it, his phone already open to her contact:
Sitting up straight, he pressed "call", immediately switching to "speaker phone".
Ring…
Maybe she's already asleep…
Ring…
Maybe she won't answer…
Ring…
Don't think that way! You're a man, Naoto!
Ring…
*Click*
"Senpai~?"
Q&A Section
When did you start writing your story?
ED: I began releasing chapters in August of 2021, but I started writing the story in March of that year. I had the rough outline of the entire story, including the end, done in April, and it was almost May when I got ahold of my editor. I still can't believe he joined me on this. We began working together on the story in mid-May, and we had finished product in July. We got several weeks ahead of schedule, and we've tried to stay there.
Please look forward to the next chapter! Thanks for reading! Questions and comments are welcome!