Two years into marriage

Francesca's diary

April 1826

It has been two years since Michael and I got married and time has passer rather quickly. I guess my mother was right when she said that times flies when you are happy and with the right person, and I think I am…No, I know I am. Michael and I are incredible happy balancing our lives between London and Scotland and loving every day we get to spend together. Recently I started appreciating out lives together more than before. Just around our anniversary, Michael had another Malaria episode and it has been worse than before. It took him longer to recover and I spent days in a chair by his bed praying for a moment more with him. His illness was even harder for me because we were getting closer to two years of marriage and that was the time when I lost John. I was not ready to be widow again. I couldn't lose him too. And, I didn't. God had mercy on me. This time I got to celebrate my second anniversary, alone since Michael was sleeping off a horrible fever, but celebrate I did. I had big slice of cake and Michael's whiskey for special occasions. He got better few days later so we got to celebrate for real. We went riding and then we spend a night in the gardener's cottage where we made love after he came to Scotland after me. We both found it romantic and I really loved the fact that we were alone and completely free, like that day. Time, I love the most with mu husband is the time where we don't have to play the part, when we are just man and woman who are deeply in love and express that love the best way we know how.

But there is another side of our marriage that I don't speak much about. We are still childless. Many say it is perfectly normal, but I know it is not. Every time I get a letter from my mother or siblings someone is expecting or already had a baby. I am very happy for them, but then I put my hand over my perfectly flat belly and feel like I failed everyone. I failed John, failed Michael and failed myself? How is it possible to be childless coming from a family of eight? Why was I cursed to lose a husband and a child and never be with child again? God gave me new husband but has not given me a child…

Sometimes when Michael is asleep, I sneak out of the bed and sit in my window. That is my thinking place. I asked around and was told that there are some herbs you can take to get pregnant and I want to try them. I will not tell Michael, because he would tell me that those are just oldwives tales. But I need to try. I need to try everything. Some woman told me that one of our lakes has healing powers and that I must bathe in it and I will be with child in no time. It is still very cold outside so I don't dare to try that. Maybe when days become hotter or Michael is not here to see or hear about it. He is expected in Edinburgh in two weeks and I shall try to bathe before he leaves. I feel like I am becoming desperate and don't know what to do.

Francesca Sterling

Countess of Kilmartin

She closed her diary and locked it into her desk. Michael was due back from some late meeting with man who owned property close to them. They managed to gain enough money to buy it and extend their property. Land was on Kilmartin estate but they didn't own it. If they could get it, they would own their entire estate. They already agreed that tenants could stay in their homes if they wished and Michael would make same arrangements with them as he did with ones living on Kilmartin estate. If he buys this property, Francesca will have one more lake on the estate and beautiful woods where they could hunt if they wanted to. She wanted to invite Kate and Anthony to come for a hunt. She would love it. Francesca was an excellent shot, but she didn't like to hunt. She had a rifle with her when she went for her rides for protection rather than hunting. She was very glad she never had to use it.

She was already done with dinner and playing a piano when Michael came home. He had huge grin on his face.

''How did it go?''

''Now we own our entire estate my love.''

That made her very happy. She felt like one of their dreams finally came true.

''Did it take long time to convince him?''

''Not really. I just told him few things I knew of him and he sold for less money than I wanted to offer in the first place.''

''Michael…''

''Frannie… He scammed my uncle for that land. He got what he deserved.''

''If you say so…''

''I was thinking. We could fix that house for our son one day… He could live there with his family and we would stay here…Or we could move here when he grows up enough to take the earldom from me.''

That wiped the smile from her face.

''Michael…''

''No, Frannie… We will have a family. I am not giving up.''

''It has been two years… I didn't get pregnant with…last time for two years too.''

''That means that we might be close…''

She just nodded. She couldn't argue about this. It was too painful. She was sure he was in pain too. He was in pain for her. She could see it on his face every time they got a letter from her family or they saw them. She was in pain watching her sisters grow children like weed and her womb was barren…

Mchael was doing all in his power to show her that he didn't care if they had children or not. He loved her, he made love to her and when her period came as a result of her new failure, he would even then spend night by her side with his hand on her belly keeping it warm with his hand or heading pillowcase wilt salt. He was there with her and for her along this journey to parenthood.

He never blamed her. He never treated her differently. He always showed love and nothing but that. If you put the lack of baby out of their marriage, they were really happy. They loved their time together; they appreciated their time apart and they had so much to tell one another and found reasons to laugh. After Michael employed efficient men to take care of the state, he and Francesca took six months to travel and explore. He always wanted to show her some of the places he visited before he settled. No, they didn't go to India, but they went to France, Italy, Portugal, Spain and North Africa. They spent entire year traveling and really enjoying every single moment together. She was really happy and careless. She didn't want to think about babies and how unhappy she was because of it. She needed her mind off things like that and Michael gave it to her. They made love in some of the most beautiful places in Europe and she felt like queen every day because of the simple way she was loved. Yes, they didn't have perfect marriage. They had their issues but they were so small and meaningless in the grand picture.

When they came home, Francesca finally decided to try all the teas and bathing in the lake to get pregnant. To her surprise, Michael didn't make fun of her. He supported her. Some mornings he even took dips in the lake with her. Sometimes they made love in the very lake. But it didn't help. Doctor told them to try counting days of her cycle and they developed a calendar just for that. Yes, they made love regardless of the date, but during those dates, they did it more than usual.

Four years into the marriage,

Diary of Countess of Kilmartin

May 1828

I am still not with child. My younger brother and sister already have one or two children. When it comes to my elder siblings, they multiply by some technique unknown to me. I am expecting a letter from my mother telling me that she is with child to really kill my spirits. I did try everything there is. I counted days, I drank teas we bathe in the lake and nothing. My period was always there, sometimes torturing us coming few days later…but always coming. I overheard that there were women of lover socioeconomic status that were willing to carry a child for you if you pay them and I even thought about that. Letting my husband lay with another woman so she would give us a child in exchange for money or better housing situation for her family. On our very estate we had women who had over six heathy children, mostly boys that could use money or house. I was present during one of the labors. She was having her seventh child and she was desperate because they had no space and money for more children. It was a boy, perfect boy and I fought myself not to offer her money for it. I knew it was wrong, but I was getting desperate and I had everything to offer him. In the end I just congratulated her and left some money to them as a present from me and Michael. I heard of few more woman in same situation. I was close to asking them to do it for us, but then I would look at my smiling husband how he looks at me with adoration and I would feel shame. Could I really share him with another woman just for a child? Could I love a child he had with someone else? Would I hate it as a reminder that it didn't come out of my body but someone else's after they were with Michael?

Maybe it was our destiny to grow old alone and without heirs? Maybe that was our punishment for love that was forbidden after all? Maybe another man, who had nothing to do with John would have given me army of children? Too many maybes and no answer to any of them. I still watch him sleep at night. There is no such sight as beautiful as my husband when he is asleep. He still sleeps just in his breaches and his chest and vel defined torso are still like when we first married. I guess, spending a lot of time outside doing physical labor helps maintain this figure he has. His hair is still a bit longer, but with more gray streaks. But regardless, Michael Sterling is still the man that takes my breath away….and yes…women still show interest in him, but I learned not to care. He loves me and doesn't stray.

My mother insists we join the family in June in Kent. I am really enjoying our perfect harmony and silence to get back into Bridgerton mess, but I know that in the end I know we will go. Michael would never let me miss family gathering. He believes them to be important and I think they matter to him too. My family became his and I know he misses John so we will go in the end. There is always new baby to meet or new belly to rub for good luck.

I am tired of feeling like this… I really need to either accept that we can't have children or be brave enough to let him go and find a wife who would give him an heir. I am scared. I am terrified of him saying yes to separation as much as I am afraid of him staying. Him leaving means that an heir matters more than our love and him staying means that at some point he might blame me for being just two of us and estate going to some idiot cousin.

Francesca Sterling

Countess of Kilmartin

Journey to Kent lasted much longer than expected. There were some issues with horses. Francesca fell ill and simply nothing was according to plan. They wanted to spend a day or two in London, but now they had to go directly to Kent. Violet and Kate welcomed them and the first thing they wanted to do was to take a long bath. They really needed it. They came down in time for dinner and the siblings and their families exchanged stories of their lives. They were asked about the extension of the estate and travels and that was it. They had no children to talk about. Eloise was expecting her second, Lucy and Gregory their third and Francesca… she was expecting sealing to fall on her head because that would be the only thing that could save her from feeling like this.

After dinner and some family time, she and Michael finally retired to her room. He noticed that she was more quiet than usual and waited for them to get into bed to ask what was bothering her. He was already in bed for some time when she showed up. He noticed that she was crying and waited for her to get under covers to pull her into his arms and just hold her. She cuddled up to him because that was her safe place. That spot on his shoulder where she could nuzzle his neck.

''What is it, Frannie? What made you sad?''

''Nothing…''

''All of them having babies and children?''

''It doesn't matter.''

''It matters to you, so it matters to me too.''

''I just…''

''I know…''

''Do you wish to leave me and have a family with someone else? If you wish so, I will be allright with that. You are an earl; you need an heir.''

''Francesca Sterling, what are you talking about?! I could never leave you.''

''Maybe you should… I am not what you need. I can't give you kids.''

''You give me everything Frannie. I do not care about anything else. You are my world.''

''I know, but…''

''This conversation is over here and now. We are not ending our marriage so I would marry another. We are sticking together, children or no children I am growing old with you Francesca Sterling. I am dying in your arms when I am gray and old happy that I had you. Do you hear me?!''

''Yes, I do…''

''Good…Now, forget about all those things and kiss me.''

That always made her smile… his kiss me… or do you want another kiss… always reminded her at their beginning when they were trying to untangle the mess of their relationship.

''You haven't changed a bit. You are still the same rake that seduced me all those years ago…''

He smiled into their kiss…

''And I will never stop seducing you, Lady Kilmartin. Until there is strength in me to share your bed, I will be your rake and be seducing you every chance I have.''

And she believed him. When it comes to their bedroom activities, she never doubted him.

Following morning Michael woke up first. He took his book and took a seat in the chair by the fireplace. He opened the book and found their little calendar. He looked at the dates and realized that they have been making love on the days when she was supposed to be bleeding. And not just last night…it was occurrence for last few weeks. He closed his book and just looked at the sleeping form of his beloved wife tangled in sheets. As usual, as he left the bed, she moved to his pillows so now her hair was a mess over both of their pillows and she was all over their pretty big bed. He found it fascinating how she could take up so much space when she gets the chance. Her back was bare and she was on her side. One leg bended under the other and his pillow was covering most of the chest. He watched her still very flat belly and felt few tears rolling down his face.

Please God, let us have this miracle. Let my miracle be happy….