Cap. 1
He felt his wife stir and closed his eyes. He didn't want to face her now, he just dreamed again about making love with another woman, the woman he really loved, the woman he abandoned.
Kathy looked at him and with a sigh, she got out of bed.
The sunrise came through the window and once again, he would get up, kiss his wife, his son and go to a job he accepted just because it could be a way to feel the hope that one day, he would see Olivia again. He asked himself how 10 years has passed without seeing her, talking to her. She must hate him, he's sure.
After putting in his papers he swore to himself that he would call her, talk to her about leaving SVU and how their partnership ending didn't mean they would be apart, but the truth was that without the job between them, he wasn't so sure he could keep lying to himself, to her, to Kathy.
Kathy, the woman he met as a kid, married as a teenager and now he couldn't recognize as an adult. He saw on TV once that people could grow apart even loving each other and thought it was a silly concept, but after meeting Olivia and realizing he was madly in love with her, he understood. He had only the kids and religion in common with Kathy, before and after their separation.
He didn't hate her, he could never hate the mother of his children, but he didn't love her as a husband should love his wife and it killed him because he knew she knew, but insisted for the sake of the kids and his fear of being like Joe Stabler, his father. The ugly truth is: if it wasn't for Eli, he would've never come back home again. He was so sure of his decision of divorcing her and trying to finally come clean with Olivia about his feelings. After the Gitano case and all the shit that hit the fan, he was so sure she felt something and then, one bad decision out of sadness and the need to feel something familiar, all was gone like dust in the wind.
And now, after 10 long years, he realized he could've just supported Kathy without going back, but what Olivia would think about it? She would never accept anything from him if she felt as if he was choosing her over his family. She was the one who fought harder than himself for his marriage. What a cruel joke.
A catholic husband that loved his best friend over his wife. A cheater just like his dad, even if the cheating only occurred in his dreams and thoughts.
The first time he realized he was in trouble was in the first year of their partnership. He was fucking his wife but wasn't all into that until he closed his eyes and his mind switched his wife's image with Olivia. He came not longer after imagining her chestnut hair, brown eyes and plump lips moaning his name in the most lustful way.
He felt bad about it, but Kathy smiled and said he was so good that she would feel him in the morning while she walked.
The next day, he would confess to his priest about impure thoughts about other women and would receive 10 hail marys as penitence.
He couldn't even look Olivia in the eyes that day.
"Did I do something, Elliot?" she just smiled and looked at him and he mentally kicked himself because he felt his cock twitch just hearing her voice. He dismissed her question, grunting a "no" and went to the bathroom to adjust himself. She must have thought he was just being the jerk everybody said he was. He promised to God that day that he would always respect her in real life and in his thoughts.
That was the first time he came thinking about her and wouldn't be the last. He tried, prayed, but failed a lot in controlling his mind. Olivia was the best partner he could have, the best friend he could ask for, he fell more and more for her each day.
In the years of their partnership, he reprimanded himself when the burning desire threatened to destroy his control or when Kathy was angry at him and mentioned Olivia in every argument.
"You talk to her and can't talk to me anymore!"
"Kathy, please don't say that. I just don't need these images in your mind." He was glad the kids were with her sister.
"She's worse than Jo." his wife screamed.
"What are you talking about?" he was livid.
"Jo didn't lie, she said to my face that she wanted to fuck you, but Olivia is almost impossible to hate because she's this respectful woman who would never admit something like that."
"Because Olivia is not Jo and she doesn't want anything like this with me."
"Oh come on Elliot, I've seen the way she looks at you and you look at her the same way."
"Now your jealousy is making you see things that don't even exist." he went to the kitchen to drink water, he needed a distraction, anything to keep his cool.
"I can feel it, El." she couldn't let this go.
"Kathy, I'm here with you, not with her. I'm married to you, not to her."
"Do you love her?" Kathy asked with fear and rage.
"I love you." he prayed for her to accept it and she did. She kissed him fiercely and they had what people call make up sex. But once again, he couldn't stop thinking about Olivia and his lie by omission. He thanked God when it was over.
The peace at home was always short-lived. Even now in Rome.
When Olivia said she was dating someone he would become a man full of resentment, jealousy and would let his mind run wild into fantasies of beating any man into a pulp just because they could touch her and he didn't.
He was pathetic, a married man lusting for a single woman and secretly trying to destroy her relationships. No wonder that their coworkers and even perps would feel the tension.
"You're drunk El?" his wife asked while touching her nose. He stinked.
"Yeah, I had a couple of drinks with Fin and John." he slurred, sitting on the couch trying to take off his shoes.
"Not Olivia?"
"Not Olivia."
"Why she wasn't..."
"She went out for dinner with her boyfriend."
"Oh." Kathy smiled and was about to let him there when he mumbled in a mocking way.
"Oh, she's happy because Olivia has a boyfriend that's not me. But I'm not happy."
"What did you say, Elliot?" she prayed she misunderstood his words.
"I said you're happy because Olivia has a boyfriend that's not me. But I'm not happy." he said and lied down with a sigh and put his arm above his eyes.
"Tomorrow we'll talk, Elliot. Now sleep it off." Kathy said through her teeth.
And she did talk the next day and he slept on the couch for a month.
He would always criticize all men she showed interest in, scare every man who showed interest in her. He would even comment he was doing all this because he needed to protect her like anyone would do. What a lie.
He doesn't know when it happened, but after a couple of years and his shit about every men who looked at her, Olivia stopped telling him about her dates, her boyfriends and he didn't ask why. It felt like a silent agreement, she must have known something, felt something. Of course she would never tell, but maybe she was doing all this for the sake of their successful partnership, rapport and their friendship. He didn't know a better woman, not even his wife would be so gracious with his veiled indiscretions.
Ignorance is a blessing and a curse, because even if he didn't ask her, he would keep his ears alert about any gossip involving her. But generally, it involved him too, with her. He even heard about a bet.
He prayed and prayed but it seemed like God was deaf.
"Bathroom is free, El." Kathy said, starling him a little and bringing him back to present.
"Morning" he said with a sad smile.
"Morning. Another nightmare? That's why you're so sad?" she asked nonchalantly.
"I don't know, don't remember" he lied.
"You were calling her name again."
He froze, couldn't even sit. It wasn't the first time he called Olivia's name while dreaming, but it was the first time Kathy seemed fine with it, if only she knew the kind of dream.
"You should call her, talk about it."
"You know I don't talk to her since I left."
"Come on, Elliot! You think I would be mad?"
"Well, you were, 10 years ago." he looked at her, just looked at her because he couldn't believe the conversation they were having.
"10 years is a lot of time to think about things, Elliot. When I gave you that ultimatum, I didn't think you would really keep your promise of not talking with her."
"I'm a man of my word, Kathy." he was getting angry now. Out of nowhere she decided to say these things? After making him choose between his partner and job and his family? Of course she didn't say with all the words, but she implied that she knew he was in love with Olivia and that she deserved better than a man like him full of complications and a bunch of kids and he felt like he was in debt with his wife, after so many years of late nights at work with Olivia, fights about Olivia, deception about his true feelings for Olivia. He still felt like the worst man in the world.
"But you keep talking to her in your dreams."
"I can't control dreams, Kathy." the frustration was palpable in his words.
"I know, I know." she sat beside him. "But if you really don't talk to…"
"I don't!"
"Ok ok. It's been 10 years, you're here with me and I think I wouldn't be angry if you called and tried to make amends."
"Why this conversation right now? Just because I called her again while I was dreaming and you're not hating me?"
"No." she got up and started to change her clothes. "Fin called the other day, I think I forgot to tell you."
"What?"