Short stories.

It's not my fault, not entirely at least . Those were the first words he told James that day. James has always been understanding, thus it came as no surprise that he had reacted calm when Sirius told him. Throughout their five 5 schoolyears together James had always been calm, quircky though leading with a straight and calm mind. It was for this reason that whenever Sirius found himself in trouble, or simply when he felt like he needed company, he found himself always going to James. 'I don't think I understand what that part about not entirely' means. Come one Padfoot, out of everyone I expect you to tell me the truth…'.

It had been the morning after one of their best pranks so far this year, after which autmatically a grand party in the Gryffindor common room appeared. Sirius was not alone, and shared his hangover with Peter and Remus, James had already gone off for his Quidditch practice. How James did it, Sirius never asked, though he suspected James had some sort of potion against Hangovers. He could not think of any other explanation anyway. He had tried to calm the James' nerves last night, though with little result. James had been thrilled to practice at Hogwarts again, especially since he was prohibited to do so during the summer holidays. Over the last couple years the Ministry of Magic got more and more strict regarding certain rules, thus, in fear of muggles seeing James flying around on his broom in the neighbourhood, they had decided to specifically restrict him. James' father used to proudly talk about his son's quidditch practises, hence it became common knowlegde that James often practiced in the summer when he was with his parents. Well, Sirius never had any doubt that James would still be great in quidditch, though James felt differently. He shared this with Sirius while they were both drunk on firewhiskey, and had started playing hide and seek with the other Marauders. In this conversation, Sirius was too drunk not to share secrets of his own, though he would never call them secrets though rather insecurities and confusions. He had still hope James would have been too drunk to remember it by morning, but since James was already gone off to practice when he woke up, he considered the odds were not in his favour.

'D'you reckon' if we keep drinking we get drunk again instead of suffering through this hangover?'

He would never not love the accent of Remus. Throughout the year Remus had repeatedly tried hard to cover his accent, and although it had worked splendedly, Sirius could still hear remains of this old accent when Remus was drunk or hungover. Suddenly Remus made eye contact with him, Remus' eyes underneath his almost golden hair seemed sleepy. This phenomenon happened more often than not these past few weeks. Sirius could not make sense of why all of a sudden he noticed the way the sun enlightened Remus' hair, enlightened his face and even his scars. This phenomenon seemed to be solely directed to himself, since James said he had never had any experience with Remus like that. Then, annoyingly yet not unexpectedly, James had begun about his undying love for Lily and how she was like the sun in his solar system. 'Am I than just one of the meteors that attack the earth every now and then?', Sirius had said in disapproval. James had not seen the humour in this, and elaborated on the fact that there were also giant planets in the solar system and that they were very interesting. However, Sirius had no such interest in the planets, let alone meteors. He felt like all the people looking through a telescope into the far distance were not understanding real beauty. You do not need to look far for real beauty, it appears every night. Even during full moons, when he was more than busy distracting the wolf in Remus, he never failed to have a short moment to look up to the nightsky and appreciate the beauty of the moon. Yet, again, James would not understand this phenomenon as a metaphor. A metaphor for something much more revealing.

'You know what, I think that would be a great idea!', he had replied. And so, he had gone up to grab a half-emptied bottle of firewhiskey. He knew they wouldn't need much, he did not expect Peter to join in on the morning drinking session. Peter appeared to have fallen asleep, another phenomenon that he had noticed happening more often than previous years. The past four years Peter had been overly excited to hear just about anything that came out of James' mouth, though now that they were in their fifth year it happened way less so. In fact, somehow Peter always seemed to be deprived of sleep, despite the more-frequently occurring nap breaks. And thus, it looked as though only Remus and Sirius would share half a bottle of firewhiskey, on the unholy time James had forgotten to put off his muggle clock with an alarm on the Saturday morning.

'Let me have the first sip', Remus said as he reached for the bottle in Sirius' hand. Sirius could do nothing but stand and look at how Remus drank a few big sips of the firewhiskey. It was strong liquor, but Sirius assumed that after last night Remus must have lost his otherwise sensitive and picky taste. Perhaps the moment lasted a few seconds, perhaps half an hour, Sirius could not tell. Remus pointed the tip of the bottle to Sirius, and gave him a look. It was a funny look, and Sirius thought he saw a mischievous and daring grin in his eyes, hidden away by front wall that seemed like glazy eyes to the regular bystander. Sirius wondered why he had the feeling he could feel the emotions and thoughts Remus was feeling. This rather strange phenomenon had occurred a few times in the past weeks. Actually, he reminded himself this even happened last night, as they were all singing along and dancing to ABBA. It was at that moment that Remus was too drunk to pretend not to like ABBA's music, and finally gave in to the swinging music that was blasted through the cheap second-hand speakers they had purchased only last summer. As Sirius saw James try his moves on Lily during the song he could not just stand at the side anymore. He had danced with them all, James, Peter, Lily and Remus. At that point he felt like he had a epiphany, some would say it was just a drunk feeling though Sirius knew better. He had seen the happiness in Remus' eyes, in his smile, every tiny part of his face seemed to spark joy. Sirius would consider the feeling he had felt at that moment an epiphany for sure, a vision of true joy and satisfaction with his life. Something he had never thought to search throughout his years in university, rather he focused his life-purpose on doing anything that had the possibility to annoy his parents. Everything, apart from giving up on his studies, James had convinced him that he would need a source of income at some point in his life, especially if he was to cut off the ties to his family. It was something he would rather not think about, he would rather keep the memory of last night than the horrors he had experienced with his family. He would never think about Regulus. He would not survive such thought.

'Are you going to take the drink or do I have to pour it down your throat?', Remus said with an awkward laugh. Sirius reached for the bottle, and drank the remains. It was not refreshing, though a form of redeeming the absolute massacre of his hangover: yes. He imagined Remus felt the same. Suddenly, the very specific conversation with James he had last night popped up pin his mind, and under his breath he uttered the words, 'have you seen the moon last night?'.

'You know I never turn my back on the moon. Ofcourse I have seen the moon'.

'Do you think the moon was beautiful last night?'

'Considering my personal history, no. I don't think I have seen the moon as beautiful, ever. I would rather not see the moon at all, but there is no way around it'.

I thought it was beautiful, it was bright, it was swinging and shining more than I have ever appreciated it for. 'Yeah, it was not that beautiful anyway'. Not like you.

After an hour or so they had settled in the common room, leaving Peter alone in the dormitory. They had found a couple more firewhiskey leftovers, and when Remus suggested to see if there were more firewhiskey leftovers in the common room, he had agreed. Remus always came up with clever ideas, especially on how to get more booze. The couch was soft, and while the other couches had disappeared last night, probably because of some first-year wanna-be pranksters, they settled on the only comfortable couch in the common area. It was a quiet morning, probably most of the students in Gryffindor were sleeping, or having breakfast before the much-needed study sessions planned by Remus. He knew, however, that Remus would not be joining that 'nerdy' study session whenever he was hungover. This little fact he knew about Remus made him happy, he felt like they had bonded well over the past couple years, perhaps too well because he knew exactly what Remus was thinking all the time. He assumed that Remus could tell what he was thinking as well. However, this was not the case this morning, Sirius had recognized the sneaky daring look in Remus' eyes this morning, yes, but he now saw a look on Remus' face that he could not quite explain. Perhaps they had been having too much liquor in the morning, that must be the reason.

'Pads, I like this, man. I'm glad we're friends', Remus said with a nostalgic tone. Sirius pushed him playingly, as he said, 'I'm glad we are friends too, Moony'. Suddenly, Remus turned his head to face him. There was a short silence, after which Remus said, 'I am very glad we are friends'. Sirius agreed and he had to laugh, he thought Remus was probably too hammered to add anything to the conversation now. Then, Remus eyes went down, just a bit, and Sirius felt conscious of his lips, them just existing while not doing anything at the moment. He felt awkard and as he made a move to grab the bottle of firewhiskey off the sidetable in front of them, Remus pushed his lips against Sirius'.

What. The. Fuck.

Sirius pulled away and slapped Remus on the face. They looked at eachother, and suddenly Sirius could tell how emotional Remus was at that moment. In his eyes, he could see all the years they spent together, all the pranks, the teasing, the moping, the playing, even the boring moments were fun with eachother. But also, he saw his past, Remus knew his past almost as well as James. What made it worse was that Remus was involved in the past that dragged Sirius down, and as he did not want to think about his past, he did not want to think about Remus. Thus, Sirius stood up and walked away, 'I am sorry', he heard Remus say with a crack in his voice, though there were no words in english that would make him turn around to face Remus again that day, he simply had to leave him out of sight.

'He did what!?', James exclaimed. Sirius knew it sounded bizarre, he would never had suspected this to happen either, let alone that Remus would like boys instead of girls. 'Well… it happened'. It was strange to acknowledge, and despite that Remus was a good kisser, as he heard many girls say the past few years, he did not want to think about Remus kissing him. It just felt wrong.

'Padfoot… Do you like Remus?'

'No. What he did, I cannot forgive him'

'You don't mean the kiss, do you?'

'You know damn right what I'm talking about, James', Sirius said with a serious face.

'Sirius, the past is the past. You have to let it go. You do know he did it for your own good, right? So you could close a chapter in your life'.

'It was good for no one', Sirius said, and with that the conversation had come to an end. Not because either of them did not want to talk about it, rather because James knew that Sirius was not in the right headspace to talk about anything right now, and Sirius knew James would not take his side on this. And so, they walked to the Quidditch practice field, exchanging not a single word. They had known eachother for so long, and most importantly, they had seen eachother's past with their own eyes. They knew what family both of them came from, and thus they needed no words to know how to interact with one another. Once they arrived at the practice field, they picked up a broom and started flying. Throwing eachother the ball, there was no competition, not really, just a simultaneous feeling of relief. As they were flying, the hours went by, and at some point the sun set. They came down and looked at the sunset for a moment.

'I don't know how to forgive him, James. You know I have a difficult… I don't want to think about Regulus anymore!'

'I understand', James said calmly. He took the first step in the direction of the castle, and Sirius followed him accordingly. It was a long walk from the practice field to the castle, but the time flew by as they discussed the happenings in the past. And when they were finally at the entrance of the castle, the moon had become the only light in the dark night.

'I want you to know that I am always here for you, but do not forget that Remus is not the enemy. He is there for you too'.

'I know, Prongs, I know. I am just having a struggle letting go of the past'.

'That's where Remus, Peter, and I come in, Pads'.

'Peter's always asleep these days. Seriously, what is up with that man?'

They both laughed for a bit, after which James set foot in the castle and said, 'well, at least you have Remus and I'.

This thought dwelled on Sirius as they began walking the stairs to the Gryffindor tower. He had known that Remus was always doing what was best for him. He felt awkward, am I becoming just like my family, judging everybody just by their cover, just by something they did once? He was hoping he was not like them, not like them at all. That had been his goal all his life. He knew that he had to face Remus and apologize for slapping him, and even more importantly, he knew he had to forgive Remus for the past. Their shared past, that had caused silent suffering for the both of them, though, never speaking it out to each other. He had not realised before, but they were both suffering, Remus was suffering silently because of him.

'Oi', they heard from across the hall. He looked at the Fat Lady portrait, expecting it to be her, but it wasn't. Remus was walking towards them, or rather towards James.

'I'm sorry I was not there to support yoru first practice, James. I should have, I was just too distracted with homework, you know the exams are coming up ey'. James and Sirius knew that Remus was sincere in this, though Sirius also knew that whenever Remus felt stressed he would overprepare for exams that would only be in 9 months or so. Another behaviour Sirius had noticed throughout the years. Then, Remus turned to Sirius. He saw Remus swallowing away his nerves, before hearing the words.

'Sirius. I'm sorry'

He was sorry. How could Remus be sorry when it was Sirius that should have been sorry. He should have been sorry all along. How could he have let Remus suffer, never forgiving him since it had happened? He felt sorry for Remus, now.

'No, Remus, I am sorry', he said, shocked by the words coming out of his mouth, although proud at the same time.

'I'll leave you to it', James said, as he climbed into the entrance behind the portrait of the Fat Lady. The Fat Lady looked at them with a suspicious gaze, asking what they were up to.

'Nothing, Merlin, we are just having a conversation', Sirius said angrily. He grabed Remus by his arms and they walked away from the Gryffindor tower. 'I need to say something to you in private', Sirius said, not realising his irritation for the Fat Lady's intereference reflected in his voice still.

Remus sighed calmly, 'okay'.

They walked to the end of the hallway, after which Sirius went up close to a locked door, whispered something and the door unlocked itself.

'Sirius, that's the prefect's bathroom, how do you even know the password?'

'I have my resources', Sirius said, and looked at Remus with a smirk.

'You do know you could have just asked me, right? I know the password too', it was followed by a silence. Their footsteps were echoing in the empty Prefect's bathroom. Everything in the Prefect's bathroom looked as though it had never been touched, the pool like it had never been swum, the sinks like no one ever used them. Sirius swished with his wand, and the sink that had been broken since last year turned into a small bench for them to sit on. They sat next to eachother, looking at the pool that was reflecting the moonlight.

'Remus… I need you to know that… You don't have to apologize to me'.

'Sirius, no, I kissed you and it was totaally inappropriate because you don't feel the same way. I am sorry, I should have never done that '.

'Moony, I slapped you. That is not okay! I need you to know that I'm sorry. I truly am'.

'That's okay, thank you. I already forgave you, I cannot hold a grudge against you too long'.

'Do you think one day is long for holding a grudge against someone? You should meet my family, than you'll realise how long somebody can hold a grudge against someone', Sirius said, trying to lightend up the mood a bit. It did not work, he felt the atmosphere change, and he saw how Remus felt uncomfortable.

'Sirius, as much as I am sorry for the way things out, I cannot apologize for what I did. It was the right thing to do'

Sirius sighed, 'You are right, that's what I'm here to tell you. I finally see that you did what you thought was best. You did it for me, and that is what matters most'.

'good, thank you', Remus said, trying to relieve himself from the buildup stress during the past few minutes. They sat on the bench in silence for a couple minutes, not knowing what to say or how to move on. Finally, after what felt like half an hour, Sirius broke the silence.

'Can we talk about the kiss?'

'You… want to talk about our kiss?', Remus sounded confused. Sirius figured that made sense, he had slapped Remus after all not because of the past actions Remus had done, but because he had kissed him. He wanted to apologize, but he had trouble finding the words.

'Yes', he simply said. He was hoping Remus would start to tell him about his feelings, about how he liked the kiss, about anything really. But Remus remained quiet, apparently not knowing how to break the ice in the whole we kissed part.

'I heard from many girls the past few years that you were quite a good kisser', he finally said.

'Oh, yeah thanks. I almost forgot about that phase of my life'

'You mean your casanova phase?', Sirius joked, and they laughed a bit, feeling awkward nevertheless.

'What I meant to say is, I think you are a good kisser', Sirius started again,

'And Moony, I need to tell you, I-', he was shockingly stopped by Remus, throwing himself into Sirius hands. Sirius did not know what to think, thus he hugged Remus back. He could feel Remus' breathing in his neck. He though he could even feel Remus' heart racing, or was that his own?

'Padfoot, I don't want to lose you as a friend. I cannot afford to lose you, out of everyone', Remus' voice cracked, at the same time Sirius had never heard Remus be this serious, this sincere, this emotional. This was all Sirius needed, he pulled himself away from Remus' arms, and kissed him. Remus seemed not sure at first, but than he kissed him back. They stood up, and Sirius felt Remus' hands going down to his hips, his own hands were going up to Remus' face, through his golden hair. It even feels like golden thread, Sirius thought, though perhaps he was romanticizing the moment in his head more than necessary. They moved in harmony throughout the entire bathroom, every wall was touched with either one's back, every part of them they had touched. Sirius had not expected this when he had woken up that day, but he was enjoying it more than he ever had with any woman. He felt himself relax and harmonize with Remus' breathing. He felt his heart racing, and he could feel Remus' heart was too. Suddenly, he felt a force and he was pushed into the pool.

'You didn't think it was this easy, did you Padfoot?', he heard Remus say with a smirk on his face. Remus left Sirius speechless, and suddenly Sirius tried to grab his wand, although it did not go smoothly, he finally managed to get it out of his wet pocket. He pointed the wand at Remus, and suddenly Remus was pulled by an invisible force towards the prefects' pool. As he made a splash, Sirius swam towards him, grabbed him and kissed him. He had never dreamt this moment could have become reality, and finally all the phenomena he had experience the past couple of weeks past sense. He noticed Remus for who he was, not because he was being a good friend or just an observant bystander, it was because he was in love with Remus. Perhaps he had secretly known all along. All the pieces fell together, childhood memories came up from him and Regulus always messing around in the pool when they were younger. Memories of his first girlfriend, with whom he first made out when they were swimming in the grand lake on the Hogwarts grounds. He thought of all the memories he had made with his new friends at Hogwarts, with James, Remus and Peter. They were true friends, if there would exist such a thing. His mind dwell off the the first time he met Remus, they were such opposites, it was a miracle they had not had more fights. He thought of the time Remus and he had tried out quidditch, afterwards they were undressing their sweaty clothes. Perhaps he had stared too long at Remus' back then, he only now realised it may not have been just because of Remus' scars, but also because of the way his body reacted to seeing Remus half naked. He remembered Remus felt uncomfortable and did not shower with the rest of them. He used to think it was because Remus must have felt offended by Sirius' staring, but looking back Sirius could now come up with a different and more explanatory reason.

'Don't you dwell off in your thoughts, you dork, stay in the moment with me', Remus said calmly. It was the tone of voice Sirius could not ignore, and he kissed Remus with all of his attention and passion. He felt every part of Remus' body, and he felt Remus' arms going over his body at the same time. How they did not drown while being in this state, he did not know, although he suspected there must be some sort of anti-drown spell on this small pool installed by one of the professors. In any case, he was happy to share this moment with Moony. His Moony. And thus, they made out under the light of the moon in the nightsky until the sun came up.