Chapter 2
5 O'clock Musings
It had become a deluded fantasy.
Her marriage, that is.
A dream.
Something, in theory, tangible… But which didn't quite exist either.
In other words, her relationship.
Recently, Sakura came to the realization that the union of her and Sasuke was fraying and dissipating.
She could feel her connection to her husband crumbling in the back of her mind and in her heart, weakening, and decaying.
The thought frightened her. She had only loved Sasuke, only wanted Sasuke. While he hadn't quite been present for almost a decade, their relationship still defined a large part of who she was.
She was a mother to their daughter, a medic-in and now ran Konoha hospital because she initially wanted to be useful to their team to bring Sasuke back from Orochimaru, and she literally was Sakura Uchiha.
Down to the letter, her life was contrived by steps and efforts to attract, appease, and maintain a relationship with her husband. Without Sasuke, who was she?
As Emerald eyes hesitantly cracked open from her empty slumber, the medic wondered where the line was between a dream and a nightmare.
On the surface, everything seemed fine enough. Her husband was clearing his ledger, protecting his village and by proxy, her and Sarada. Their marriage, from brief teen sweethearts to wedded couple was a natural progression. In many ways, it was a perfect and seamless transition. This was only heightened by the birth of their beautiful healthy daughter, who was born less than a year into their marriage.
Sakura was grateful for it all.
No, really, she was. This was everything her seven-year-old self had dreamed of.
Yet, it wasn't at all what she expected it to be.
If she were being honest, the novelty increasingly fell flat. Especially as the years staggered by.
This was largely in part because Sasuke Uchiha wasn't here.
With her.
With their daughter.
Or even in the village.
She wasn't even sure what he looked like anymore. Half the time, she wasn't completely sure if he was even alive. All she had were distant memories, clouded with the grains and distortion of time and old photographs.
It was like being married to a ghost.
One who occasionally sent money for Sarada and not much else. One, who, if she was lucky, annually sent a letter to share how his mission was going, and offered little affection besides a curt, "I hope you and Sarada are doing well."
On difficult days, she closed her eyes and clung to the honest and lovely warm memories of their awkward courtship and eventual lawful union.
But even those precious moments had begun to lose their luster.
It all felt…
Unreal.
Like a dream.
And now empty…
Like a nightmare.
On her most desolate of days, Sakura wondered if her marriage was even legally binding anymore. For a marriage to exist, didn't the other person have to be present at least sometimes?
When the thoughts and internal questions became too much, she threw herself into motherhood and work, leaving little time and energy to sort through her emotions or even consider her loneliness. For many days, months, and years, it worked. It soothed or hid whatever questions she had about her life.
Of course, Sakura wasn't completely alone. She had to mentally chide herself that she wasn't exactly pitiful. She had her parents and Naruto, as well as a forest of friends and comrades.
She also had…
Kakashi.
Sakura lay within her bed, petal-pink-shoulder-length hair fanning on her pillow, and stared at the blank and uninteresting ceiling of her dark room. It was impossibly early, barely after 5am. The sun had at least another hour or so till it began to rise. She should rest more, she mentally reasoned, before Sarada needed her or before she began sifting through the hospital files she brought home with her from work.
However, she knew that she wouldn't go back to sleep.
Thoughts of a certain white-haired ninja was keeping her awake.
The previous week, Kakashi had come to her residence.
She invited him into her home. He, after all, wasn't the kind of man to just barge into her space and make her uncomfortable. He wasn't so disrespectful. Kakashi was safe. He was like family, in his own way. He protected her from near death on missions again, and again. He encouraged her when she felt insecure and unsure about herself. So, when she saw his familiar form, she was eager to catch up and spend time with the older man that she still somewhat looked up to.
It was meant to be innocent.
And yet, he initiated…
She felt her heart skip a beat.
There was intimacy.
Under her green comforter, her legs subconsciously closed at the thought of their erotic encounter.
Sakura had tried and failed to block out the sensual setting of Kakashi's offer and clear need for her. And yet, she couldn't. When she was alone and not focused on work or her child, her mind replayed their "discussion" again and again.
While slightly crossing her legs, she shifted in her bed, discomfort brewing in her stomach.
Slowly, her womanhood also throbbed at the thought of Kakashi's curious hands, of his… masculinity in close proximity. His scent of pine and ash, his over six feet of height, his entire being… it did things to her now. At least, the thought of him did. After years of no affection from her husband, the older ninja's presence stirred want and need that had lain semi-dormant.
The problem was, she was married. And a logical part of her knew that she should NOT feel those things for anyone but her husband.
Yet, while there was a dangerous level of fantasy in this situation, this wasn't a dream. It was real. It had heart and warmth and need.
It was something she could touch.
She wanted something real.
She wanted something more than what she's had, of memories or duty.
She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and exhaled softly through her mouth.
What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she shake the desire of her prior sensei's actions from her my mind?
Despite her internal agonizing, the pink-haired ninja knew what was wrong.
She was fucking horny and hadn't been properly touched by a man in close to a decade.
Sakura, nearly thirty, had known hardly any sexual experiences besides the few years of her relationship with Sasuke. Besides TWO YEARS OF HER LIFE, she had been celibate.
The thought evoked shame like no other. She hadn't expected marriage would be like this. A hollowness of want and not receiving.
Loneliness.
Throughout the last years of her twenties, she felt abandoned and forgotten.
Not for the first time, she thought of Ino's innocent though realistic question the other night over sake, "Is Sasuke also holding his end of the bargain? Is he also being celibate while away?"
Sakura bristled at the question.
She first took it as a question of Sasuke's loyalty. This was her husband Ino was questioning. Sasuke wasn't one for doing anything half-hearted. That wasn't the kind of person he was. He wouldn't simply bed someone for the sake of it.
Didn't Ino know that?
Then, in her half-drunken mind, she felt as if Ino was actually questioning her ability as a woman, as a wife, to be someone worth committing to. Though Sakura would never admit to it, the silent (and non-existent) accusation struck a nerve.
It angered her into silence because of how closely the interpretation struck at Sakura's insecurity. Admittedly, she was too scared to react or lash out, even playfully.
Her silence was enough of a response for Ino, and the blonde didn't inquire further on that tangent. Instead, she began to talk about the flower shop and her son. "He loves art, just like his father."
It was a safe and seamless transition for how drunk her friend was.
Yet, Sakura noticed the pitying look in her friend's blue orbs.
Sakura knew it wasn't an unreasonable question to inquire. And it was a question that was meant to evoke a sense of acknowledgment that she clearly didn't think Sakura had thought of herself. This in itself was a fair assessment. After all, since they were children, Sakura had always blindly trailed after Sasuke.
Sakura wasn't so dense to not consider that such loyalty wasn't necessarily a two way street.
Her first realization of this stung deeply.
And terrified her.
Without clarity of Sasuke's stance on his celibacy, or when he'd come home, Sakura toyed with the notion of finding someone to fill his place.
At least sexually.
Sakura never thought she would be one to allow her eyes to linger a little longer at anyone other than Sasuke. No other man had ever been a consideration. And yet, here she was, decades later, fantasizing a life with someone else, almost anyone else, besides her lawful husband.
Sakura had been fiercely devoted. Ever since she was a child, she wanted and adored Sasuke. She gave her life to the once boy and now man over and over again.
But Sasuke?
He was loyal, in his own way, sure. However, the nearly thirty-year-old wasn't a fool to ignore that what he was most loyal to was his own want, goals, and ambition. Love had never been at Sasuke's forefront.
Sakura, and their daughter, had always been second to duty, whatever duty was for Sasuke.
For a time, Sakura thought she was fine with this. Especially in the beginning of their relationship, she hadn't minded. She thought of her husband as somewhat gallant. He was passionate about his craft as a ninja, of doing what he must to keep the village safe.
Now, she saw the error in her ways.
Now she felt the error in her ways.
Lately, every time a handsome and respectable man came to her, asking her out, lingering a hand on her arm or her lower back in passing, or eyes sparkled with curiosity or desire - she yearned less for her husband to come home and instead desired to taste what another life may be life like.
While she knew the grass wasn't always greener - she almost craved anything that wasn't this. Her grass wasn't green, it was barren and dead.
With her head out of the clouds, she could see that now.
Reality was cruel, she mused while rubbing her eyes.
Sakura bit her lower lip in thought and consideration of Kakashi.
Could she see herself with Kakashi? Even as a fling?
Even while I'm married, she thought quietly to herself.
In some ways, she knew he would be a good lover. A man that attentive to detail wouldn't half-ass his way in bed. And despite never seeing his full face, she was sure he was handsome. Beyond all else, he was patient, kind, nurturing, and -
Sasuke doesn't have to know either way.
She paused in thought and then groaned.
What was she thinking?
This was KAKASHI she was considering.
The previous encounter was a mistake. The older man probably wasn't thinking straight.
And was she so cheap she'd allow herself to turn her back on her marriage? Kakashi had to have been testing her resolve, right? Checking or testing or something to come on to her like that. There was no way he was sexually attracted to her… Right?
Sakura tried to consider that she still didn't quite find herself to be sexually appealing. It was difficult to find that confidence when Sasuke wasn't quite affectionate to her when he was around. And he hadn't exactly been around much to even enjoy the fits of passion that he occasionally gave into anyway.
Her heart was beating fast as she considered Kakashi from the week before, her hand on his growing erection, his breath exhaling steadily quicker through his mask.
She blinked.
Fixating her eyes on the ceiling, Sakura shakily reached forward a curious hand beneath the sheets and fondled with her underwear. Biting her lip, she thought of her previous mentor. An unsure hand slipped past the rim of her panties and explored parts of herself.
Arousal made her cheeks flush, and she felt embarrassment rush through her body. But also, she felt a tingling inside her. A demand for her to continue.
With hesitancy, she continued to think of Kakashi, continued to remember his hands, she continued to imagine what could have happened if she hadn't come to her senses.
Her chest rose and fell quickly, her breath coming in quick gasps. Slowly, she allowed her pointing finger to trail past the lips of her womanhood. Her breath hitched as the immediate wetness greeted her digit.
Shame colored her cheeks further as she blinked hazily at the ceiling above her.
For a moment, she saw Kakashi, his eyes staring down at her.
She further reached, a second digit greeting the first, and suddenly froze.
"What am I doing?" She asked, disgusted and suddenly overwhelmed. She retreated her hand as if her body was hot coal.
This is wrong. This is….
Her heart hammered in her chest.
She could barely register anything besides her aching womanhood, throbbing for her to continue, begging to feel a release.
She felt herself give in to her hands again. Allowed for them to explore, allowed for them to caress and penetrate, and bring pleasure.
Her eyes whelmed with shameful tears as she came to the thought and vision of Kakashi.
Her distress wasn't because she came with him in mind. No, she wasn't as simple to feel as if she did something wrong.
She felt shame simply due to the knowledge that while she felt some form of release, it wasn't enough.
A small nagging part of herself, an inner voice she hadn't heard echo in her head for quite a long time, tempted her to see if a certain white-haired ninja could offer something better than her hand.
Something more fulfilling.
Sakura was mortified at her inner's suggestion.
But even more antagonizing was the knowledge that she would willingly oblige to the curiosity that whelmed throughout her current sweating being if the retired-Hockage was with her at that moment.
Glancing at the clock on her nightstand, she realized it was hardly after 5:20.
Within the moral dilemma she had partaken in, time had barely passed.
It was without question that Sakura craved affection and was unhappy in her marriage.
And yet, to actually engage with her fantasy, into Kakashi, who was real and here…
She closed her eyes once again.
Sakura never wavered in her faithfulness to Sasuke. Since she was five and barely understood the concepts of love, she remained certain and focused on her goal of him recognizing and accepting her.
She never could have known how much love could be burden or a cage.
How could she have foreseen the reality of Sasuke Uchiha, and his clear dismissal of their family?
How could she know that her unshakable admiration and love could crumble under the weight of time and distance?
A/N All Comments are appreciated!
And! I have a question for you guys. I initially imagined this story as a short series. But would you be interested in it being a little longer? Should I include a love triangle? I have some ideas, but I don't want to make any suggestions.
I hope everyone is doing well! 3
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