Trust Me Not
(c) 2024 by reallyhatemilk
Summary: Lonely and devastated after losing Gabrielle, Xena lets Ares comfort her. But when faced with the perspective of losing her to a suicide mission she's about to embark on, he hurts her in a way he never had before.
Author's notes: Canon-divergent. A little variation on the end of season 6. For the purpose of the story, the letter from Akemi discloses a lot more than in the original episode.
Pairing: Xena/Ares (F/M) Rating: Mature
Tags: hurt/comfort, drama, angst, love, romance
All the characters from the series "Xena: Warrior Princess" belong to the Renaissance Pictures.
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There were moments, after Helicon, when she wanted to just die.
And then, there were moments when she was too distracted to remember.
When he was around.
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But, out of all the times he'd brought pain into her life, this was the biggest one of all.
Out of all his low blows, all the countless instances of his utter disregard of her feelings, this one hurt the most.
When she knew she was going to die, and he gave her a reason not to.
A reason she had to give up.
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She moved closer to the fire; the night was getting cold.
Normally, she would've grabbed the blanket, but right now, the thought of getting up and walking over to the saddle bags was too much.
Cold or warm, what difference it made.
It was then that she sensed him.
"What do you want?" she asked, his presence lurking around, sending a little tingle up her spine.
But a different one than usual.
For years, sensing his presence she would tense, alert and annoyed; at him, for pestering her, at herself, for how it always sent a stupid flutter over her stomach.
Now, she didn't tense anymore. Nowadays, recently, there were times when it brought a sense of calm, at times when she needed it. Ever since Helicon, she did need it.
But at the moment she didn't welcome it; she just needed solitude. Not that he would get it.
Visiting Lila and Sara in Potadeia - she finally brought herself to go - she knew it wouldn't be easy, but - right now, she just needed to be alone. That was why she turned down their offer to spend the night - that was why she didn't book a room at the inn - if she were to continue being surrounded with people, it would've ended badly. A quiet night in the woods, that was what she needed.
Not him, confusing and shady, keeping her second-guessing what game he was playing this time, the real reason he was always there recently. Checking on her, he said. She might have believed that if he was still mortal, but now that he was back to his asshole self and playing his little wars, she could bet it was a matter of time before-
"A bad time?" he asked, his voice vibrating in the quiet of the night air, surrounding her.
"Since when do you care?" she muttered under her breath. Maybe a bit unfairly; whatever his reasons were, he was there for her recently, after Helicon, after Gabrielle-
She sniffled, her throat contracting.
"Just wanted to see how you're holding up," he said, his voice calm, serene almost, making her tears flow uncontrollably.
She was unfair.
He really had been there for her, after Helicon... if it hadn't been for him... not that she was fine now, but it would've been much worse if he hadn't been there. Even if just to sit in silence; which they often did. He got close. She let him. Maybe a bit closer than she should've. But she didn't worry about it, didn't care anymore; nothing held much importance right now, there was nothing that meant anything anymore. It was gone, all that mattered. The sense of it all.
She kept sitting on the log, kept staring into the fire, listening to the soft crackling; and she couldn't move; too heavy to get up, too shaken to close her eyes.
He sat down on a log nearby and, for a very long time, the crackling flames were the only sound filling the silence between them.
And maybe it was some sudden comfort that his presence brought, or the sleepiness got to her, but her lids eventually fell shut, and she found herself drifting off.
The muffled creak of his leathers brought her back; the sound of him getting up.
"Call me if you need anything," he said, his voice soft, softer than before, like she was asleep and he didn't want to wake her; and she knew this was the exit line, that he was leaving.
"Wait," she said, eyes closed, lids too heavy to lift.
And was grateful, that he didn't expect answers; that he was silent, just his scent in her nostrils, his arms warm and strong around her. Even if it only made her cry more.
"Xena..."
"I don't think I can do this anymore..." she said quietly, with effort, surprised to hear herself say it out loud. A lump in her throat made it hard to breathe.
"I wish I could-"
"You can't," she cut him off.
"Come on, I'll get you somewhere warm - it'll start pouring any moment now."
She sank her nails in his forearm and felt new tears coming. "I'm still..." She paused, catching a breath, "...sometimes, I still wait for her to come back..." she whispered, voice dying in her throat.
He didn't say anything to that, just held her. It was like standing on the edge of a cliff, when she closed her eyes, when it was just his arms that kept her from falling.
She inhaled the warm, summer air of the night; there was humid density to it, he was right. If he hadn't said it, she wouldn't even have noticed. What did it matter, anyway.
For another moment, she let herself go, giving in to the warmth of his embrace some more; for another moment, and then shrugged him off. It was time to pull herself together, for once.
"Behind you," he said under his breath the moment she heard it, the loud rustle in the bushes, her hand locking on the round, metal weapon at her hip.
But as soon as the short, black-cloaked silhouette came into view, as soon as she saw the face, the angular, hooded eyes, something told her she wasn't going to need weapons.
"Are you Xena?"
"Who's asking?"
"I was sent by Akemi."
"Akemi?" she asked, breathless. "You saw Akemi?"
"Several weeks ago. I was journeying with another monk through a forest, near the town of Higuchi," the monk said, holding out a scroll she only now noticed was in his hand. An eerie tingle run up her back when she touched the parchment. For a moment, she could swear she smelled the cherry blossom.
"Xena," Ares' voice reached her from aside. She cast him a quick glance. He was eyeing her with caution. "You okay?"
"Yeah..." she said under her breath, looking back to the messenger. "What's your name?"
"Ken."
"Alright, listen, Ken - on your way here, you must have passed a village - it's called Potadeia - go back there and wait for me at the inn - I'll see you there tomorrow at noon."
In silence, she stared at the bushes until the leaves stopped rustling after the short, cloaked silhouette disappeared in them completely.
"Another ghost from the past?"
She swirled her tongue along her upper teeth, his voice barely reaching her, the parchment warm and soft in her hand.
"Xena..."
"I'm tired, I'm going to sleep."
"Wanna tell me what that was about?"
"It doesn't concern you," she said quietly, not looking at him.
"Ain't you gonna read it?"
She looked him straight in the eye, but it was like he wasn't even really there. Her mind was producing a very different image now; a beautiful, pale face of a girl she used to know.
She blinked, the two lone tears streaking down her cheeks as she pulled on the red, silken band the scroll was tied with, the cherry blossom filling her nostrils as the parchment unrolled. Holding it at an angle which prevented him from seeing the content, she scanned through the text swiftly. A wave of cold sweeping over her, she rolled it back up, her throat dry.
"I'll take you there," his voice snapped her out of the trance.
"What? No..."
"Why not? Will save you weeks of travel."
"I have to do this on my own."
He scoffed. "Of course you do."
There was something in his voice - almost like he knew. No, he didn't. And she couldn't tell him. He'd never let her go if she did. He wouldn't understand.
"What does it say?" he asked.
She made a haste move to toss the scroll into the fire but he was faster. With a snap of his fingers, the parchment bounced back and straight into his hands. She leaped forward and kicked it out of his grip, making it land in the bushes.
"Well, now you really got me curious what's in there."
She didn't manage to stop him from retrieving the scroll the second time.
Walking back towards the campfire she fixed her gaze on the flickering flames, the sight that always soothed her, which now somehow failed to.
She knew he finished reading when she heard the soft thud of the scroll falling on the grass.
"Why didn't you want me to read it?" she heard his voice behind her back.
She didn't have strength for this now.
"Xena - why didn't you want me to read it?" he repeated the question, his voice hard and stubborn this time. "Trapped souls? What does it mean?"
She knew she'd have to tell him eventually. But the words just wouldn't leave her mouth.
"What do you have to do with this?"
"I killed those people."
"Forty thousand? Forgive me for being impressed, but... how on earth did you do that?"
"I caused a fire... the town burned down."
And she told him; the whole story. Well, almost. She carefully omitted the part where she was going to sacrifice her life to complete this quest.
Her last quest.
But somehow, he knew.
He approached her, and she didn't stop him; when he touched her face, when he drew her close till their foreheads touched, noses brushing; she shut her lids with a soft sigh. She expected to feel his mouth on hers; but he just held her.
"You can't do this to me again," he whispered angrily; selfish, as usual. He would never understand. "Xena, this is a suicide mission..."
"You know the story of the scorpio and the swan?" she said with slight irony.
"Don't you-"
"It's what I do, Ares."
"No," he gripped at her sides painfully, making a soft moan leave her lips, making her arms go around him, her legs wrapping around him instinctively as he lifted her up and pushed her against the tree behind her, his mouth on her face, her neck, distracting, pleasant. "No, you won't..." Crushing her lips in a bruising kiss, he made them appear on her bedroll, their clothes gone, and, apart from moaned and whispered curses, they didn't speak another word until long after.
She was then glued to his chest, his arms around her back, the haze of the afterglow making it impossible to leave his embrace for a longer while. A shiver run her through when the chilly blow of the wind swept over her back, a contrast to how warm her chest was from the heat radiating off his skin.
She lifted herself up and climbed off him. Feeling his hand slide on her back, she gave in for a moment, but then moved away. "I need my clothes back."
"You're not doing this, Xena."
"I wasn't asking your permission."
"Gabrielle wouldn't let you do this."
She took a breath in, tears clouding her vision. "Well, she's not here to stop me, is she?" she said, her voice barely even.
"She isn't. But I am."
"I don't expect you to understand my decision-"
"Good, 'cause I'm not gonna."
"...but I expect you to respect it."
"Well, good luck with that."
"What's the problem, Ares?" she scoffed, remembering something, the sting of which never ceased to burn deep inside. "You didn't seem to care too much when I drank the vial on the beach, what changed? Is it 'cause I started fucking you?"
"You know what?" He pressed his lips together, tilting his head, his gaze darkening. "Do whatever the fuck you want," he spat, vanishing in a flash of blue light.
She rubbed her face angrily, annoyed with herself for the tears that came, angry at him when she realized her clothes were still nowhere to be seen. Shivering, she reached for the blanket and wrapped herself in it, her cheeks that she just wiped dry, now stained with new drops.
It was starting to rain.
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