"But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I just need you like I've never done before" - Help - The Beatles (Lennon/McCartney)

"Oh I like to go swimmin' with bow-legged women and swim between their legs, swim between their legs."

"Aloyisius Hunter!" Rachel shrieked. "Tell me I did not just hear you singing that song to the baby!"

She was furious but that's what she heard alright. The old man and I were sitting on the front porch and he was bouncing little Joey on one knee and belting out that old song that no one seemed to know the origin of. Joey was laughing to beat all and I was having a bit of a chuckle myself.

Rachel, however, was fuming mad. I did not need to be any part of this. I knew, of course, that if I stayed on the porch, I'd be asked for my "expert opinion" on the matter and I figured if I stayed out of other people's child rearing that they might return the favor and keep their noses out of mine. I excused myself quickly and went inside to see what Joanie was up to.

I had to go all through the house and out back to the deck to find her. She and Dean were sitting on a couple of lounge chairs with glasses of lemonade and Dean was reading to her. He had been a little behind his age level at reading and somehow Joanie got him to read to her. It wasn't even so much that he had any problems that would cause him to have a hard time reading. He just hadn't been in a house where reading was the norm. Sarah wasn't much of a reader. Joanie and I both were and there were always books in our house. So Joanie got him reading to her and his skill improved quickly.

When I walked out, Joanie looked up and then patted Dean on the arm.

"That's enough for today, Bubbeleh," she said. "I think we're getting the grill going soon if you want to go find Jesse and Theresa. They said they were going down to the park."

It was a perfectly lovely, if a tad too hot, July day and we decided to cook out and called up Al to see if he and Rachel wanted to come and spend a little time and eat some burgers with us. Jesse happened to be over at Al's and asked if he and Theresa could come too and of course the answer was yes. They hadn't made any formal announcements and I don't think in their own minds they were back together romantically even but they spent a lot of time together. If nothing else, they were very close friends–maybe almost as close as me and Kid even.

It made sense really. Theresa hadn't been abused a day in her life but the amount of loss she had suffered gave her close to the same trust issues that Jesse had. She'd grown up some since they'd broken up too. She was never mad at Jesse but I think she learned to cut herself a little slack. I figured they'd be back together pretty soon but even if they didn't, there's little in this world more valuable than a friendship like they were developing.

Anyway, that's how we ended up with the crowd we did at the house that day. Dean nearly worshiped Jesse and took off like a shot to the park.

I sat down next to Joanie.

"How are you feeling today?"

She absentmindedly rubbed her belly.

"Nausea is done for the day so I guess I feel pretty good."

"So what's wrong?"

Her smile was forced. I could see it.

"Just your crazy wife and her laundry list of fears," she said dismissively.

If we didn't have guests, I would have prodded her to explain more. It was already an improvement for her to say what she did.

"Anything pressing?"

She would understand I meant anything that couldn't wait for later when the guests were gone.

"Not really. Most of it will keep a few hours–just–does Dean ever talk to you about his mother?"

"An off-hand comment here and there but not a lot of detail," I told her and saw her furrowed brow.

"Why? Has he said something to you?"

She shook her head and I could see her figuring out how to explain.

"He rarely mentions her to me. I think he's afraid he'll hurt my feelings…"

Her voice trailed off before her head shot up and her eyes bored into me.

"He wouldn't, of course. Hurt my feelings, I mean. She's his mother. He should love her."

"I understand," I said, trying to soothe her.

"But sometimes…what he does say…or maybe what he doesn't say…what it seems he almost says…I don't know…maybe it's my own bias against her seeing things that aren't there. Maybe I'm reading too much into things."

"Maybe…but we usually chat a bit before I read to him at bedtime. Maybe I'll ask a few more direct questions than I normally do."

Joanie relaxed and smiled at me as I stood up.

"I guess I really should get the grill going."

I turned to reach for the bag of charcoal next to the grill when I felt Joanie's arms tight around me. With a little jockeying, I got turned around to face her with her arms still tight around my middle and I looked closely at her. This wasn't a happy, hero-thanking hug and it wasn't some desperate trying to seduce me because of her own insecurities. This was a plea for comfort. This was vulnerable and it was exactly what was missing before. This was her asking for my help.

The only right thing to do right then was to hold her tight to me. I kissed the top of her head.

"It's alright. I'm here," I whispered into those barely reined in curls.

"Now, see, that right there is the problem," I heard Al's voice carrying through the yard. "We're never going to get anything to eat if the grillmaster keeps canoodling with his sweetheart."

I heard Joanie chuckle into my chest.

"I love that man sometimes," she said.

I kissed her once more and hollered over to Dean who was just getting back with Jesse and Theresa in tow.

"How 'bout you help your old man with the grill?"

He beamed at me and ran full out to the grill. It's not like I was going to let him do anything dangerous. He was only eight after all. But he hadn't really had the chance for the whole father-son bonding and, like any kid, he liked being treated like a grown up.

We had a nice afternoon but by early evening Al and Rachel were ready to go and start getting Joey ready for bed and then Jesse and Theresa thought they might go and catch a movie.

That left our little family of three and almost a third.

It was later that night when I was getting Dean tucked in and ready for storytime, I decided it was as good of a time as any to have a chat with him.

"So Dean, how's your mom doing?"

Nice open-ended question just to broach the subject. It was met with a shoulder shrug.

"I'm not trying to get you to tell tales or nothing. I was just wondering how she was. She probably told you that I hate her or something like that and I wouldn't doubt it if she talks like she hates me. We were a disaster as a couple. But she brought you into the world and I just can't hate her. I just thought I'd ask how she was."

"Sad."

He spoke real soft like he thought he was betraying a trust or something.

"Do you know why she's sad?"

"I think it's 'cause of Bruce."

"Who's Bruce?"

"He came over a lot for a while and she was happy and smiled a lot but then she got sick like how Mammaleh is…like throwing up and stuff and they had a talk and it was real quiet and then Bruce got mad and yelled a lot. Mom got sad and that's when she had me call you about coming over that week before we went to the cabin. When I got back, she was even sadder and Bruce doesn't come around anymore."

"What's it like when your mom's sad?"

He looked for a minute like he didn't want to answer but then he began to speak really softly.

"Really quiet. She sleeps a lot and cries a lot."

"Who takes care of you?"

He just shrugged.

"Is it like this every time she breaks up with a boyfriend?"

Dean shook his head.

"She cries a little and then she says 'there's lots of fish in the sea' and things get better. It's really bad, Daddy."

"Maybe I can check and see if she's alright."

I left it at that and read a chapter or two of whatever novel we were working through–I think maybe Treasure Island–and kissed him goodnight.

It worried me that he had to take care of her and himself. I decided to call her place and when there was no answer, I figured she was at work or had gone out.

Next on the agenda was to see to my wife. She still hadn't been opening up to me but it seemed that maybe that was about to change.

I found her on the deck sitting on a lounge chair and staring straight ahead.

"Hey beautiful," I said gently.

She jumped and whipped her head around to face me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

Joanie smiled but it didn't reach her eyes.

"Too lost in my thoughts, I guess."

I sat down on the chair next to hers.

"If you tell me about them, maybe I can help navigate–or not…but at least we'd be lost together."

"After everything I've put you through, I shouldn't burden you-"

I cut her off.

"That's the kind of thinking that caused our San Francisco adventure," I reminded her.

"But-"

I shook my head.

"Please don't shut me out. I can't go back to that. I need to be allowed to help."

"It's too much to keep asking of you, James."

The tears were starting to fall and I think I was breaking through.

"If Judy called everyday with a new crisis, would you want her to stop? If places were reversed and she had the fears and insecurities you do, when would it be too much for you to listen and help her? At what point is she a burden? If Aaron had called before he did what he did and told you how he was hurting–how long would you have kept him on the line?"

Joanie was sobbing by this point.

"Tell me, Joanie. When do those you love become a burden?"

"Never…if they need me…"

"Joanie…I love you. Seeing to your happiness, your peace of mind, I need to…I need to take care of you. Please…tell me what's wrong."

"Oh my love," she sobbed and threw her arms around me. "I'm so sorry. I can't seem to get it right. Maybe it's me that's not very good at this whole love thing."

"You're plenty good at loving…maybe you just need to work on letting someone love you."

"I'll try."

"Okay, so let's start with you telling me what's scaring you."

"It would be a shorter list to tell you what isn't."

She chuckled a bit when she said that and I did too. I took her hands in mine and just looked at her. This wasn't a time when more prodding would get her talking. She needed to get things into order in her head.

"What did Dean say?"

"Sounds like Sarah had a bad break up. I don't know what all is up with that. He seemed worried so I tried to call before I came out here. No answer. I figure she's either at work or feeling better enough to go out. I'll try calling again tomorrow. Sounded like she might have been sick recently."

"I hate having to care about her but Dean's welfare depends on her."

I sighed and nodded. She'd pretty much summed up my feelings too.

"So what else is weighing on you?"

"I'm just afraid of everything," she said, sounding absolutely defeated.

"That's okay," I assured her. "We're dealing with some big and scary changes right now. I'm scared too."

Joanie offered a small smile then. It was genuine and the first of those I'd seen in a while.

"How about we try sorting out all the fears? They might look less intimidating once they're untangled."

That's true too. It's like when you're a kid and your mom tells you to clean your room and it just seems too much. I always found it easier with my kids to break it down. Pick up dirty clothes and then put away toys and so on. None of those jobs are that hard but when you have a big mound of stuff, it's hard to even think of where to start. I figured this out in school and it wasn't in any psychology class either. It was just me trying to keep up with reading and assignments and work schedule and trying to spend even a little time with Joanie.

Joanie looked uncertain of where to start and I get it. There was just a big snarl of fears and she didn't know which string to pull. I figured I'd start.

"I'm scared of the baby," I confessed. I saw the look on her face asking how I could fear an infant.

"I've held 'em and even fed the little ones but that's not the same as being responsible for them. Dean can talk. If he's hungry or hurt or sad or bored, he can tell me. This one, I can't hand back to the parent when it cries because that'll be me and what if I can't figure out what he or she needs? What if she's sick or he's hurt and I don't know because they can't say anything? It's terrifying, Joanie."

I saw her relax a little. I wasn't lying. I think there was a time I feared being a dad because of the example the old man set for me. But by then I had Dean and I knew how much I could love a child and I knew I wouldn't turn into that abusive bastard. But babies are different. I had no confidence there.

"You're going to be fine, James. We'll figure it out together. That might be the only part I'm not afraid of."

I chuckled a little at that.

"So now you know your tough guy husband is afraid of babies, whatever you're scared of has got to sound less ridiculous."

That got a giggle from her before she sighed and began speaking.

"I'm scared of me and my mind," she began almost tentatively. I just waited for her to elaborate.

"My default position when I'm overwhelmed is to shut everyone else out and just keep doing everything myself until I can't anymore and then things go off the rails. People offer help but I don't know how to accept it. They say if I need anything, just call but I don't know how to figure out what to ask for so I don't reach out and then…well, you just saw all too well how horrible things can get. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed and I know I will be. I don't think anyone comes home with a brand new baby and doesn't feel a little in over their heads. I just can't mess up that bad again, James. It's all too important."

"Too many options," I said and I was partially thinking out loud.

"What?"

"When you're overwhelmed by things, it's because there is too much around you and you need something lifted away to make it easier to bear. But when someone says something open like 'if there's anything you need…' there are too many options and that just adds to the too much. You can't decide if you need time to go get a coffee by yourself or maybe to just talk to a friend or a hand with cooking…there are too many choices with that kind of help. It's just overwhelming you more."

I could see the smile spread across her face as understanding came to her that this might be a common problem and not some freakish thing that was just wrong with her.

"You're right, James. It makes perfect sense. But how do I handle it when I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to choose?"

"You come talk to me and we'll sort it out. The baby I'm afraid of but you, I can deal with. Or you call your sister. I'm good and digging to figure out what you need but she's the master."

Joanie's face fell at that.

"I don't think she's quite forgiven me for San Francisco."

"That might still take time but I think she'll do anything for her little niece or nephew and keeping you in a good place makes things better for the little one. Besides, she might get mad at you but she'll never stop loving you."

"I know you're right."

"I think you're the reason she wants to be a psychologist, Joanie. She already knows how to help you and she wants to help even more people."

Joanie shook her head.

"It's not because of me. She wants to be like you."

I think my jaw hit the ground. I mean, yeah, it made sense and all but to think that anyone out there–let alone some bright young woman with her shit together like Judy–would want to be like me…well, I was flabbergasted.

"You hadn't noticed how much she worships her big brother?"

I just shook my head. Then I looked at Joanie and knew there was more she needed to get off her chest.

"Out with it. There's more upsetting you. I'm guessing that you think I'll be angry or hurt or something. I won't."

"I feel so guilty," she said at last as she did battle to keep the tears at bay.

"You gave your heart so completely to me. You placed so much trust in me. I know how hard that is for you to do. I know you don't trust easily and I know all the reasons why."

She took my hand in both of hers and held it gently.

"But you trusted me and…I didn't trust you. I wanted to and I thought I did but I didn't. You gave me no reason to mistrust you and every bit of proof I could need that I was safe with you. That all of me was safe with you. I hurt you so terribly. You've been hurt so much by so many and I hurt you."

Her hands released mine but I didn't move. I just left my hand on her lap. She looked at it sadly like it wasn't hers to hold anymore.

"It's not enough to be sorry and I don't feel there's any penance that could absolve me of this. I unload all of my baggage at your feet and you're forever going to have that image in your head of me and those guys."

Joanie hugged her arms tightly around herself and her battle with her tears was lost. She just sobbed before continuing through hitching, uneven breath.

"Things are better and I keep telling myself that they'll keep getting better but then the fear creeps in and says there will always be something there. It's something ugly that'll make you doubt me. Something that makes me doubt myself."

She could barely get words out through her tears but she couldn't stop the flood of fears and worries.

"I'm so scared that no matter how much I love you and no matter how much you love me that there will always be this doubt in between us; this hurt and betrayal and no matter how much we don't want it to that it will grow into you resenting me because I wasn't strong enough to let you help me."

She was somewhere beyond sobbing–I think they call it ugly crying these days–by then and if she had any more to say, she wasn't able to while trying to catch her breath. I wrapped her in my arms and pulled her onto my lap and held her tight to me.

"Well, now we're getting into the real honest stuff, aren't we?"

Joanie nodded against my chest and just kept crying.

"Honesty is good. I like honesty. Even if the truth is a little scary, hiding it only lets it get bigger and scarier. I'm not angry or hurt or is how we heal. Every day I feel a little better about us. You opening up like this gives me hope I didn't know if I'd ever feel again."

"How can you always take the worst disaster I can think of and make me feel safe and like things are going to be alright?"

"The same way you do that for me. When we heard Kid was missing, I remember the only thing that felt solid was you."

She snuggled deeper into my chest for a moment and then picked her head up.

"Do we have ice cream? I feel like I need ice cream."

Hello again. Well, this looked awful for a while but I think they might just get on some good footing before the little one comes along. Thoughts, opinions? How cute are Jesse and Theresa. I'm kinda rooting for those crazy kids. And what about Sarah? Hmm...I won't leave you in the dark too long about what's going on there. She might come across sympathetic for a bit even. Um...nothing else really to tell you all about this one.

Did everyone have a nice holiday season? Ours was weird but nice. Got to see the people we wanted...with exception of my parents and we'll get to them in a couple weeks.

So...anything anyone else wants to talk about? U of M's chances in the championship? That botched call against the Lions? Red Wings acquiring Patrick Kane? The state of the MCU? Or...we could talk about the story and if I'm still doing alright with it. If you wanted to, that is. - J