"I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day and dark sacred night." - What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong (Bob Thiele & George David Weiss)

I was sleeping soundly. I think that was easier with Joanie confiding in me. The next thing I knew I was sitting straight up with my heart beating in my throat. Joanie was bolt upright as well and I don't think either of us knew why. Then we heard the scream of pure terror from down the hall. Before I even made a plan, I was out of bed and next to Dean's bed. Joanie was behind me, I knew it without even looking. She hung in the doorway though.

"Dean!" I hollered as I drew him into my arms. He was obviously still asleep and I was trying to wake him to rescue him from whatever scary place he was in.

"Buddy! Wake up! I'm here!"

His eyes opened and then filled with tears.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, buddy, it's okay. Daddy's here."

I held him tighter as I sank into his mattress. He was clinging to me like he was drowning and I could save him. All I wanted right then, all I could think of, was to soothe that fear in him. I just kept repeating softly that it was okay and I was there.

Eventually he calmed and quieted. His death grip on me loosened. It was then that I realized Joanie was right next to me with a glass of water for Dean.

Joanie helped Dean get a few sips of water before setting the glass on the nightstand and wrapping her arms around the both of us. We sat like that for a good while just holding tight to the poor guy; trying to make him feel safe again.

Once he relaxed and his breathing was back to normal, I kissed Joanie's cheek and whispered to her.

"You should get some sleep. We'll be there shortly."

She nodded and went back to our room. I knew she wouldn't sleep but I needed to just talk to Dean and too many people might get overwhelming to him.

"Can you tell me about the dream?"

"Scary," he whispered.

"I know it was," I said, squeezing him a little tighter. "But it's over now. I got you. I won't let anything hurt you."

"It was dark and slimy like a cave. It sounded like water dripping. And it was cold…so cold. Like January without your coat. And I was all alone and didn't know the way out. That was bad and scary but then I wasn't alone and that was worse. The footsteps coming at me were so loud and the breathing was…just scary. I couldn't see what it was but I could kind of make out the shape and it was real big, like a giant and coming at me and I tried to run but I slipped and fell and it was coming closer…"

His tears started up again and I kind of rocked and held him. I started humming to him. I didn't realize what song it even was for a minute but I was humming What a Wonderful World by the great Louis Armstrong. I always felt comforted when I heard that song and once I met Dean, that song always made me think of him.

"Daddy?"

"Hmm?"

"Do I have to go back to bed? I'm still scared."

"You need your sleep. But I think you'll get more of it if you come in and sleep with Joanie and me."

He nodded and yawned against my shoulder as I stood and carried him into our room where Joanie was most definitely not asleep. She was sitting stiffly against the headboard but she relaxed when she saw me carrying him in.

"Is he okay?" she whispered.

"Yeah, just a really scary nightmare."

I got us settled into bed with Dean between the two of us where he wouldn't be alone and the monster couldn't get him. Don't think I'm making fun either. Monsters are very real. I know that better than most and if you've listened to even half of this story, you know it too.

I thought Dean had fallen asleep and I was heading that direction as well when I heard him speak softly in the darkened room.

"Daddy, will you sing to me some more?"

I ain't never going to make a living singing but if it made the kid feel better then I guess that was alright.

"I see trees of green, red roses too. I see them bloom for me and you. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

The next morning, life seemed totally normal. The tears of the previous night–both Joanie's and Dean's–were forgotten in a sunny summer morning over scrambled eggs and toast.

Though, maybe not all fears were pushed aside.

"Dad, did you call mom last night to see how she's doing?"

In all of the other things I'd been dealing with, I had forgotten about Sarah.

"I tried calling her last night after I tucked you in but she didn't answer. Maybe she had to work or maybe she's feeling happier and went out."

Dean didn't look convinced and I figured he knew her better than I did so I just went to the phone.

It rang and rang and I was just about to hang up when I heard the receiver pick up and then it sounded like the whole phone hit the floor. Eventually there was a voice. It didn't make words I could understand.

"Sarah? It's Jimmy."

She made some attempt at repeating my name and I was starting to get pretty concerned for her.

"Dean wanted me to call and see if you're feeling better. Don't sound like you are."

Well, when she said Dean, that came out clearer and then she said something that sounded like "baby" and then her voice dissolved into tears. Maybe it was time for a night of cards with the guys. None of them ever cried their eyes out at me.

"Dean's here with me and he's just fine. Are you alright?"

It took me a minute to figure out what she said next but I got it finally and it felt like my heart stopped when I did.

"Soon. Be okay soon. Just a few more pills. No hurt no more."

"Sarah. Do not take any more pills. I'm on my way. Help is on the way."

I hung up then and looked at my son's terrified eyes.

"Do you have a key to the apartment?"

He shook his head and I cursed my tone as I saw the tears well in those eyes.

"That's okay," I said gently. Then I took hold of Joanie by her arm and brought her close to me.

"Don't let him hear this if you can help it. I need you to call for police and ambulance to meet me at Sarah's apartment. Tell them a 27 year old female has overdosed. I don't know on what, but whatever it is, she took way more than the prescribed amount."

Joanie gasped as she realized what we were dealing with. I headed out the door. Dean attached himself to me about halfway.

"Dean," I said as I squatted down to look him in the eye.

"Your mom's real sick right now and I'm going to go and make sure she gets some help. You gotta let me go so I can help her. Okay?"

He nodded and let go reluctantly and I left the house and hurried to my car and headed toward Sarah. If anyone had told me a year before that I would ever even care if that woman lived or died, I'd have called them crazy and there I was speeding to her apartment to try to save her life. Kids make you see a much bigger picture.

I got to the apartment before the police and ran up the stairs to her door. I tried getting through the door by running my shoulder into it like you see on TV but that didn't work. So I tried something else I'd seen TV cops do and kicked into it near the knob. It gave some then so I tried it again and I was inside.

The sirens came to the building just as I found Sarah face down next to the phone in her kitchen. She wasn't moving and I feared the worst. I crouched down and felt her neck and found a pulse. I rolled her over and sat her up against the wall and started patting her cheeks to get a response.

Her eyelids fluttered open but her eyes weren't focusing on anything.

"Sarah! Can you hear me Sarah?!" I was yelling right in her face trying for anything to keep her with me, to keep her awake.

The police made their way in and one of the officers set to looking for whatever she had swallowed. He came back with an empty bottle of valium just as Uncle Ira walked in. That was my Joanie, always figuring out what was needed.

He looked down at me and told me to get her to vomit so I stuck my finger down her throat and up came a lot of undigested pills and what smelled like a good amount of booze. From then on, it was Uncle Ira's show. He had his medical bag with him and just started taking care of her. He instructed the ambulance driver to get her on the gurney and into the ambulance and he would meet them at the hospital. Then he turned to me.

"I will see to her along with the doctors in the emergency room. I expect she will be alright once she gets this all out of her body. I will call when she is in a condition to receive visitors."

Uncle Ira patted my arm and was gone. I just stood there feeling lost and like I should do something but wasn't sure what. It was then that I took notice of the cops looking at me. Right, they were going to want a statement. I explained the situation and they seemed satisfied that I was honest.

After that, I went back home.

I got into the driveway and turned off the car before my whole body started shaking. I gripped the steering wheel hard to try to stop. I handled things alright in the moment but once I was home, it all hit me. I didn't really have worked out what to tell Dean, but in that moment, all I was thinking was that I almost had to tell him that his mom was dead.

The car door opening startled me enough to stop shaking as I looked into the fearful eyes of my girl.

"Thanks for calling your uncle," I breathed shakily.

"You didn't have time to think of it."

She took my hand and began to maneuver me out of the car when she caught sight of my shirt. I looked down and realized that there was vomit down the front of me.

"You go get cleaned up. Get a shower and change your clothes. I'm sure Dean can help me get some lunch around and then we can talk. She's going to be alright, isn't she?"

I nodded as she helped me into the house and gently pushed me toward the stairs. I went up and on the way to the bathroom, Dean's head peeked out of his bedroom door at me.

"Hey buddy. Your mom's at the hospital. Joanie's uncle is there with her. I gotta get cleaned up and then we can talk over lunch, okay?"

He nodded somberly. I started walking toward the bathroom again when he spoke, stopping me in my tracks.

"You helped her."

I nodded.

"You don't even like her."

"It's complicated," I said with a sigh.

"There was a time I hated her. I still can't say I trust her entirely but she gave me you. I can't hate someone who gave me a gift like you. And if something really bad happened to her, it would break your heart. I love you more than any bad feeling I ever had toward her."

He nodded then and I went to take a shower.

Once I was clean and we were set down for lunch, Dean asked what had happened.

I had gone around and around with myself in the shower over how much to tell him. It needed to be some semblance of the truth but he didn't need the whole sordid tale. He was only eight.

"Your mom was feeling real sad. I know you know that. You're who told me. Sadness like she was feeling hurts and she wanted to sleep so she wouldn't feel the pain. She had some medicine from her doctor to help her relax and she took more than she should have. We got to her in time and made her throw up some of the pills so they wouldn't all get in her bloodstream. Like I told you, she's at the hospital. Joanie's Uncle Ira is there with her. He's a good doctor. He said he'd call when she's better enough for us to visit."

Dean didn't eat much lunch. He had a lot to mull over. I think on some level he understood more than I wanted him to. He caught up to me in the afternoon while I was on the deck reading. I had promised him that someone in the house would always be near a phone and I would clearly hear the kitchen phone from the deck.

"Daddy?"

"What's up, buddy?"

"Mommy didn't want to wake up again, did she?"

I pulled him onto my lap on the lounge chair and held him tight.

"I don't think she could think clearly enough through the hurt to really know what she wanted. Her mind is in a tough spot right now."

"A friend at school said his dog got old and sick and they had to put him to sleep. When he first heard that he thought it wasn't so bad but then they told him his dog wouldn't ever wake up again because he was dead. Was Mommy trying to put herself to sleep?"

"I think there's more to it than that. Sometimes when we feel a strong emotion, we think we want something but we don't really."

He sat for a while cuddled up to me and thinking things over. After a while he picked his head up.

"I was really scared."

"I know. And it's okay to be scared. I'm glad you came and talked to me. Everyone gets scared sometimes."

"You don't."

Now I didn't mean to laugh at the boy but it struck me as funny and with all the stress from earlier, I couldn't help laughing. Of course when you laugh after a high adrenaline situation like that, it tends to get a little hysterical and I was laughing with tears running down my face.

"Are you okay, Daddy?"

"Yeah, sorry about that."

I wiped my eyes and got a drink of iced tea and tried to collect myself a little.

"I'm plenty scared of a lot of things. Mostly I talk to Joanie about them but sometimes I talk to your Uncle Kid or to Al…sometimes to Emma. I'm lucky I have so many people to talk to because I need to talk things out an awful lot."

"I never see you scared."

"That's because I talk to people about it and then it's not so scary–most of the time. Some things though are just scary and talking helps but it can't take their power."

"Like what things?"

"Like when I was growing up and my parents hurt me. I could talk to Kid but it didn't change who my parents were. It helped to know I wasn't alone but no one could really do anything about my situation."

"It's good Uncle Kid was there to listen."

"It was. But then he wasn't for a while and that was another kind of being scared that nothing really helped. He was captive and we didn't know exactly where or when–or if, I guess–we'd get him back."

"Bobby says it's weird having him there. Sometimes Uncle Kid acts kind of scary and sometimes he's sad and Bobby just doesn't know how to act. I understand because it was kind of weird when I met you and I didn't know how to act either."

He looked at me like he wasn't sure it was okay to say all that.

"So tell me about this fear. Are you scared to say that you were a little afraid of me at first or scared to've told me what Bobby is feeling?"

Shoulder shrug. That meant I was two for two.

"We like the truth around here even when we don't like what that truth might be. I wish things had been easier on you when we met. I wish I had met you a lot sooner. I wish a lot of things. Fact is I didn't really know how to act around you either. I wanted you to like me but I didn't know anything about you. I think the situation was just strange and it was going to be weird."

I looked him in the eye and saw that he maybe didn't think that we were both having a hard time sorting things out at first.

"As for Bobby, I figured the adjustment would be hard for all of them. You didn't betray a confidence or anything. And, for the record, there is nothing you can't tell me. If something is your honest and true feeling, then it can't really hurt us. Everybody needs somewhere safe."

I heard the phone ring from inside the kitchen and started to get up when I heard Joanie call out that she had it.

Dean and I were quiet while we waited.

"That was Uncle Ira," Joanie called out from the door to the deck. "You can go over now."

Dean and I got up and I was looking at Joanie strangely.

"You're not coming?"

"I didn't know if you'd want me to."

I thought for a moment understanding the position this put Joanie in.

"I'd like you to come and Dean probably would too but I understand if you're not comfortable being there."

Joanie looked relieved. Even with Sarah in a weakened state–and maybe especially with her in a weakened state–I know Joanie didn't trust Sarah alone with me.

So the three of us headed to the hospital.

Hello there. I know this chapter is shorter than normal but it really took it out of me. I had no idea that was going to happen. I do not know what happens next. I have no earthly idea what I am doing. I just want to give Dean a big ol' hug though. But I'm pretty sure his dad's got it under control.

So...what else is going on? Um...hopefully I'll be able to get into the Lou's new baby storyline soon and what all is going on with Jesse & Theresa. And Sherry. And Judy. And maybe even touch base with Buck and Ike. There's just been so much craziness going on with J&J.

Well, I guess that's about it. Are we feeling better about J&J's marriage? Do we want to get Jungian and try to interpret Dean's nightmare? Anyone care to wager a guess as to what sent Sarah over the edge? You're all so quiet out there. You're allowed to say something. You don't even have to raise your hand. Like Jimmy said, we like the truth. Do you hate this storyline? I'm kind of worried that you all are out there reading and just hate where the story's going and are hoping I wake Jimmy up from a dream sequence to find Joanie's just a normal bundle of nerves and Dean never existed. I don't think I could do that to Jimmy. He loves his son so much. But maybe you all don't. Is that what it is? I guess now it's time to let you all know that I am possibly more insecure than Joanie. Anyway, let me know what you think of things.-J