"Tell me why you're crying, my son
I know you're frightened, like everyone
Is it the thunder in the distance you fear?
Will it help if I stay very near? I am here." - Day is Done - Peter, Paul & Mary (Peter Yarrow)

We kept Dean with us for a few weeks. Sarah was in the hospital for a few days and then staying with a friend until her door got fixed. Even once she was back home, I didn't know how I felt about Dean being with her. It might be mean or cold or, well, I don't know what you'd call it but she didn't have a good track record of being trustworthy and there's nothing I value as much as my family. I worried he wouldn't be safe. I was still freaked out about what she did and what I saw–I couldn't even think of my child dealing with that.

I was out one day and I decided to grab a motorcycle helmet that would fit Dean. I thought maybe it could be some good bonding time for us and besides, I wanted to get out on the bike and Joanie worked weekdays. I couldn't leave him home alone.

Once I got the helmet I took him out for a few short rides so he could get used to it. And then one day maybe a week or so after Sarah got back into her apartment, I asked if he was up for a longer ride. He was practically in the garage before the question left my mouth. We drove out into the country like I liked to do, especially when I had too much on my mind and needed to let it all go.

We stopped after a while to gas up the bike and grab a couple of pops. Dean looked lighter than he had in a long time. It made me smile.

I saw his face change as he finished a long drink from his bottle of pop.

"Dad, do I live with you now?"

I didn't expect that question but I guess with as long as he'd been at my place and that he knew his mom was home and all, it was fair.

"No," I said. "I'd love it if you did but I've just been giving your mom time to get better. She's been through a lot. You're probably missing her though, aren't you?"

He nodded and looked scared like I'd be mad at him.

"Don't look like that. I told you the truth is what I want from you. You're supposed to love your mom. We'll see about getting you back to her place soon, ok?"

The smile I got then melted my heart. I'd do anything for that kid.

"Welp," I said, slapping my thighs as I got up off of the bench that was outside the gas station. "I guess we ought to be moseying along now. Maybe we can stop by Al's and you can spend some time with Bobby and Jack."

I pulled into the parking lot of Al's to see Jesse and Kid both with their heads under the hood of a car.

"Must be a tough case if it needs the whole brain trust in on it."

Kid looked up and grinned at me.

"Jesse just needed an expert opinion," he shot back at me.

I took note of Dean running off to find Bobby and Jack.

Kid looked over at Jesse knowing that I came with a need to talk and that a high school kid, no matter how good a kid he was, wasn't going to be able to help me.

"You got it from here, Jess?"

Jesse nodded and went back to work under the hood.

"What's going on?" Kid asked once we were out of earshot of anyone who might want to pry.

"I have to take Dean back to Sarah," I said.

"I know you'll miss him but he calls almost every night he's not with you, right?"

I nodded. Dean did, in fact, call every night to say goodnight to me and Joanie.

"If it was just missing him, I think I'd be able to handle it. I don't trust her to take care of him."

Kid laughed at me.

"Took you long enough to figure she ain't trustworthy."

"Yeah, I know I'm an idiot but what if what happened had happened when Dean was with her? Would he know what to do or who to call? And it scared me half to death…I just don't know."

"Why'd she do it anyway?"

"There was some guy and she got pregnant. She says she was on birth control but honestly, I think she wanted to make it so he had to stay with her. Anyway, he got pissed when she told him so I think she thought she could keep him around if she got rid of it. He broke up with her anyway."

"So she had an abortion? That's illegal."

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.

"I know. I don't care as much about that as how…disposable people are to her. I thought it was just me but she created that child for her own ends and got rid of it just as easily. I don't even know why she took the pills really. I'm not sure if she's capable of being sad for the baby. Probably just feeling sorry for herself because the dude left her."

Kid nodded. I know it had to be a relief to him that I finally saw Sarah for the self serving, manipulative you-know-what that she was.

"It's not an immediate fix but you could petition for custody. You gotta prove she's unfit, right? That shouldn't be too hard."

"As much as I wish that was a solution, I'm not sure that would be the best thing for Dean right now. He knows his mom's a mess but he loves her 'cause she's his mom."

"Yeah, it's a tough spot you're in right now," Kid agreed.

"I see how it is."

Kid and I both looked up startled and then relaxed a bit to see it was just Al.

"I know I'm just an old man but I might have a few pearls of wisdom left in the old bag of tricks."

I chuckled.

"I'm sure you do, Al. Thing is I didn't see you when I pulled up. Seems you're always off smooching on your missus or fussing over Joey. Not that I blame you."

"So what's the problem today?"

I explained the situation and Al nodded as he pondered my predicament.

"Well, ordinarily I wouldn't support taking a child from his mother, but then I seen how yours did you and how Jesse's was and I know that a mother ain't always the way she should be. And you know I was never a fan of that woman."

He paused and scratched his head as he thought for a moment.

"I see your point though of how getting custody might hurt the boy. I've grown pretty fond of Dean and I'd hate to see him hurt worse than he has been."

I just stared at him blankly. If this was supposed to be a solution to my problem, I'd hoped he hadn't gotten fully to the point because I didn't know what the hell he was trying to tell me. Finally he sighed and began speaking again.

"I think you gotta take him back to her but take every chance she gives you to have him with you. Keep an eye on things and make sure he knows how to contact all of us and everyone at Joanie's firm too."

I nodded. He was right. The best course of action was to wait and see.

"I can't believe that's your answer," Kid said. "You know he'd be better off with Jimmy and Joanie."

"I do," Al answered. "And I know that someday Dean will see that, but that time ain't now and if Jimmy gets him because he went to court and said mean things about her–even if they're true–the time when he understands might never come at all."

I think Kid understood then. It's a complicated thing juggling the needs of a child. As far as I knew, Dean was being fed and he showed no signs of outright abuse. As long as he was physically alright then I had to see to his emotional needs and going to court and reading the judge a laundry list of his mother's faults wasn't going to accomplish that. If I had known about him years earlier, it might not have done as much damage but an eight year old is going to simultaneously understand too much and too little.

Well, the issue of Dean was sort of settled for the time being so I thought I'd bring up a slightly different topic.

"How're the boys adjusting since you been back?" I asked Kid.

He tried to glare at me but I think on some level he wanted to talk about it so in the end he just sighed and shook his head.

"It's weird. There's this distance between us now. I love them. I know they love me. I think they're glad to have me back. But then they're almost formal with me like I'm a guest and not their father."

"I know I don't have to tell you that it's going to take time. You were practically a stranger to them when you came back. I did what I could."

"I know you did and I'm grateful. A couple of times Bobby's brought up some story you told him about the two of us and made me laugh and then he laughed and it felt good and right."

I clapped him on the shoulder.

"You know I'm here. And I don't just mean doling out professional advice either. I'm still your friend and if you just need to unload…well, I've gotten better at listening and keeping my mouth shut."

He laughed and Al smiled at the both of us. It was kind of like old times where we could talk things out and know that no one was going to judge us for not being sure of everything.

"Hey, how about we have us a little guy's weekend over Labor Day?" I asked.

Kid looked at me with his brow furrowed.

"You, me, Dean, Bobby and Jack all head up to the cabin and spend the time traipsing through the woods and fishing. How about it?"

Al actually looked proud of me for coming up with the idea. And Kid smiled wide and the plan was made. Of course we both probably should have talked it over with our wives before leaving them on their own over a holiday weekend but then sometimes men just don't think.

The three of us stood there shooting the breeze for a while and then wandered into the garage where Jesse was finishing up the car he'd been working on when I came in.

"Looks like Theresa's over at Emma's," Kid said to Jesse who looked up hopefully.

"Her car's there anyway. I think I can handle things for the rest of the day."

Jesse beamed and ran off toward home to spend some time with his girl and I think she was his girl by then whether either of them knew it or not.

I stayed and helped Kid out some and visited with the old man for a bit and then I decided I should find my son and head for home and get some dinner going before Joanie got home from work.

Dean was quiet all the way home which isn't too surprising since motorcycles are loud and it's hard as hell to carry on a conversation on one. But he seemed more pensive than normal. Once we got home, he got off the bike and I took his hand to stop him from walking away.

"I feel like we still have a few things that need saying between us," I said as I took my helmet off. He just looked at me all worried.

"Nothing bad, buddy," I assured him. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you more about what was going on and why you were staying so long with us. I need you to know that permanent changes would be discussed with you. If you're here full time, you'd know about it. But I'm sorry you didn't know what was going on. That wasn't fair of me to do to you."

"It's okay," he said softly. He sounded a little bewildered. Maybe he was. Grown ups don't always apologize to kids.

He was quiet a while and then very softly he spoke.

"I'm a little scared, Dad."

We walked into the house and I started getting things around to cook for supper.

"What are you scared of?"

"What if Mom gets sad like that again? And what if she takes too much medicine again?"

I picked him up and set him on the kitchen counter and then hugged him tight.

"You call me. Or you call Joanie or your Zaydeh or Judy or Uncle Kid or Al or Sam or Buck or…heck, you can call Jesse. Someone will help you. Someone will always be there to help you."

I pulled back and looked at him and he seemed to be feeling better. I kissed his forehead and then set him back down and got him busy setting the table. I kept a pretty steady stream of chatter and told him we'd make a list of the phone numbers of everyone who'd be there for him if he needed them.

"Daddy?" he said suddenly. "I-if someday I wanted to live here with you, would that be okay?"

I smiled at that.

"I think it would be the greatest thing ever if you lived here. I know you still need your mom now too. But this is always your home if you want or need it."

I think he finally felt better after that.

I know this took forever to get a new chapter. This one was just kicking my butt. I think I lost sight of things for a while. A little talking off the ledge from a few dear writer friends and I think it didn't turn out too badly. I guess how good or bad it is will ultimately be up to you. I'm trying to give Dean a real voice and not just random kid who's just there. You'll have to let me know how that's going. Also, I've been worried that Jimmy isn't sounding quite himself. I hope I'm wrong about that but it's a worry I have.

Well, that's all for now. Next time we'll see how two pregnant ladies react to being left alone over a holiday weekend. -J