Chapter 19: Brother (part 3)

Illumi was protective of his brothers. He did not need to be the eldest of his siblings to feel this sense of duty. He simply had to care. And he cared a great deal. He looked after them and loved them in place of a father who should have been. Very few people have watched Illumi grow up. Only his family, and less than a handful of household servants. Zoldyck butlers were forbidden from speaking their minds, but their watchful eyes never strayed. A butler, upon such closeness to this family, may assume that Illumi's protectiveness bordered dangerously close to obsession, or even a strange possessiveness that Illumi himself couldn't make sense in unraveling. Illumi sometimes wondered if he inherited this unsavory part of himself from his own father, or if it was something entirely his own that festered at an alarming rate under darkness and violence and neglect that linked the two of them together in ways that made them so terrifyingly alike. A butler, who entertained this thought long enough at the expense of their job, would be right, but in a House where ruthlessness was prized and held in the highest regard, thoughts of love and its entanglings in obsession mattered little. Then again perhaps this is just what happens when you're on the brink of losing the people you care the most about. A threat that is sometimes more potent than the danger itself. This gradual descent away from yourself, willing to do—to risk— anything to keep the ones you love forever by your side. Who wouldn't resort to the unimaginable, if it meant to never lose you?

I will not lose you.

Illumi was convinced. He was the only one who could tap into and unleash Killua's full potential, the innate talent his family coveted for generations. He saw that clearly today; the raw power, unbridled chaos, and exquisite violence in the abandonment of hesitation. Right in his little brother's head was Illumi's magnum opus; the culmination of his labor, tried and tested, and everything he had been striving for Killua's success. The needle insured Illumi's control over Killua, and his future. Both of their futures. Under his guidance alone, Killua will reach astounding greatness, the likes of which Silva could never dream to harness into fruitful actualization. Killua will undoubtedly lead the family as the head, but Illumi will forge and direct the path in whichever way that pleases him as the neck. Ensuring the family's continued revenue of success and protection, and venture among paths they never dared cross before. Killua will, in time, accept the role he was always meant to play, and let Illumi do the rest. Of course, Illumi will do more, managing Killua was the least of his plans. He already has Milluki and Kalluto loyal to him, and a sizable number of butlers dedicated to laying down their lives for him. Then there was Alluka—No, not yet. Illumi mustn't get ahead of himself so fast. He has to focus on Killua, the first hurdle into getting everything he has ever wanted. Illumi's voice abruptly broke into laughter, he tried to hold it in. He grabbed Killua by the scruff of his neck and pressed his lips firmly on his forehead—where the needle was planted—and kissed him instead. Stoppering his own maniacal laugh. It was more like a crash rather than something that was supposed to be tender. "My amazing, baby brother. You and I will be unstoppable."

Killua didn't move. He hardly blinked.

Illumi looked down at Killua's hands. They were still covered in Bodoro's blood, now dark and dried up and flaking. "Oh, Killua. You cannot go to the airport like this." They'd stop him before he'd even make it through the front gate and then he'd never make his way home. Illumi pulled out a pack of hand wipes from his pocket—which he has many—and tore open the sterile pack with his teeth and began cleaning Killua's hands. He met little resistance. "Kil." Illumi began, he didn't want to be hard this time, so he was adamant to be kind and reassuring. "I know this grieves you, but it's only because you are so young and inexperienced. You're unable to look beyond this stage of your life and may think that this is all there is." The naivety and shortsightedness of youth was a peculiar malady that cures itself with time. "But that couldn't be further from the truth. What awaits you in your future will astound you, believe me. Though I was silent during the majority of the exam, don't think I haven't kept my eye over you. I've seen you kill. I've seen you enjoy it. I've watched the fear kindle in all those who were petrified to watch. You have a violent heart inside yourself, that even with all your protests, you cannot deny. That is your gift. Never let anyone make you believe you must negotiate who you are for their comfort. Let your blood lust be testament enough of your rightful place in our Family. Oh, now roll up your sleeves for me, just as I thought, more blood soaked through. Really, sometimes your kills tend to be very messy, we'll have to work on this, but I digress. This is a critical time in your training, I'm sure you've heard that enough times from us, but it's only because you don't seem to understand the gravity of its importance. It will require sacrifice, but so does everything else worth pursuing that requires dedication and focus. It will be hard, I'm not saying it won't be, but Zoldycks are notorious for doing hard things and doing them exceptionally well. So you mustn't think of training as a prison sentence, but as an opportunity, oh! An investment in yourself." Illumi amazed himself with his own cleverness. "Ask yourself: How will I grow into a position of strength, prominence, and responsibility? How may my talents flourish? How may I use those talents to help my family? How may I—damn, not even a Tide pen will get these pesky stains out. Take off your white shirt and wear it beneath your blue sweater so no one notices. That being said, anticipate great things happening very soon. Kil? Killua. Are you listening to me?"

Killua stared into the canopy of leaves above their heads. In the tree, there was a bird's nest with a mother sitting on top of her eggs. For this entire one-sided conversation, Killua didn't take his eyes off the shivering bird. Animals are sensitive to aura, and can feel the ebb of flow of the emotions it carries. Illumi's lust—for power, for blood, for control—was enough to frighten the bird into petrification, yet fought against the urge to scatter in order to protect her eggs.

Illumi interpreted Killua's silence to mean that he would get hit any moment by a spontaneous bird fact. It made him relieved that Killua was acting like his old self, until moments passed and Illumi, for once, admitted to missing Killua's passionate aviary outbursts when none came. Illumi then assumed Killua was deliberately ignoring him.

"Kil, ignoring me won't make me go away. I only spoke the truth to you back in the exam. And I wouldn't have gone so far, by making empty threats against that boy—it makes no difference since you'll forget about him, about all of this—if you didn't run away in the first place." Illumi crumpled the bloody wipes into another pocket and lightly groaned at Killua's petty cold shoulder act. "What else do you want me to say? You know I love you."

When Illumi looked into Killua's eyes, his little brother wasn't there. It was a hopeless and black stare, heavier than night rain, that dulled Killua's once clear blue eyes. His little brother was lost and Illumi was the cause of it. Illumi's mind worked through different solutions on altering the needle to prevent Killua from entering this catatonic like state again, but at the same time not wanting to weaken his influence over him, at least until he returned safely home. Illumi did not want Killua to run off again, somewhere even further away from Kukuroo Mountain. Killua was young and did not yet know how to control his emotions and whims. This led to instability and uncontrollable outbursts and rash decisions. Hurt—all by Killua's own hands. This was why Killua needed a guiding hand to keep himself in check.

"Killua." Illumi said, an ember of fear spiking within him. Terrified that he possibly broke his little brother's mind. He kneeled down before Killua and it took Killua just now to realize that there was someone in front of him, speaking to him. Something was being said, but he could not register what, nor had energy to decipher in reading their lips. It could have been his big brother, but his big brother always looked different. It could have been a stranger, but Killua has met many and all their faces blurred into one in his memory. It could have been that new boy with his bright eyes and noisy cheer whose name Killua struggled to remember or the other boy on top of the balcony who may have already been buried beneath the winter hardened ground. He strained to focus on the face in front of him. Yearning to remember anything if there was anything worth remembering.

Illumi's heart eased. His little brother was looking directly at him now. "Kil." Illumi said again, with more affection and care that was all abandoned moments ago in their fight. "Can you speak? Say something to me."

Killua squinted his eyes at Illumi, as if he was now seeing his big brother for the first time. The blood that was on his hands was gone and he struggled to remember how. Then he saw Illumi's, faded patches of pink smeared across his fingertips. That's when Killua knew that Illumi always took care of him, even when he thought himself undeserving of such love. Killua took Illumi's hand in his own and stared at the faded blood, and the crescent marks in the center of his palm. Killua pressed his own fingertips over them, to ignite a memory and see if it belonged to him, but Illumi pulled his palm away. The faded crescent marks out of sight.

"Every day, you'll have chocolate cake for breakfast. How does that sound?" Illumi lied, hoping to stir a reaction in Killua. "It'll be ghirardelli chocolate mousse with double chocolate fudge sponge cake. If you're going to eat chocolate, then you might as well rot your teeth expensively."

Killua's voice wavered, as if sore from rehearsing a speech he'd long forgotten the words to. His head felt like it was filled with cotton while sound muffled in his ears. Tears welled up in Killua's eyes and suddenly he was crying without knowing why.

Even Illumi knew that chocolate cake and pretty words could not fix this.

Killua pressed his hands tight against his tears, attempting yet failing to push them back because denying hurt was easier than understanding it. Illumi rubbed Killua's shoulder, and Killua instantly let himself cry, as if he was finally given permission to stop holding back. How many times has Killua done this before? How many times has he seen his mother and father and brothers as villains, having enough of their smothering and bickering and fighting, yet sought their comfort in his worst moments and was glad to have it? Illumi pulled him close in an embrace and this is how Killua wished their fight in December ended. Maybe he wouldn't have run away—wouldn't have hurt his family—if Illumi sided with him then, just as he held him now. He wanted to yell at Illumi and defy his smothering love. He wanted to pull his black hair, shout in his ear, and demand independence. He wanted to cry and confess that he didn't know what true independence was. He was afraid he wasn't ready to grow up, but he still wanted Illumi to let him try on his own anyway. He wanted Illumi to be his big brother—to defend and always fight for him. Not forcing his hand nor making decisions without his say. Killua couldn't fathom why he was so afraid of Illumi in their match when he felt at peace now, but their past conversation hovered over him like a phantom, and loomed with the promise of coming back to haunt him. Sometimes it felt like there were two different Illumi's in his life. One with a stoic, iron heart and the other who was unconditionally good and loving and made him hot chocolate on crisp winter nights. No. Illumi was good, he'd always been. He was here now and that was all that mattered.

Illumi's forehead touched Killua's. Black hair contrasting against stark white. Illumi wondered if he gave Killua enough love. Then he gravely wondered if he gave him too much freedom. "Go back home and rest."

"Wake up. I said fucking wake up!"

Killua awoke to the violent crack of a whip. It split his bottom lip open and blood dripped down his chin. His arms were strung up to the ceiling with manacles and he hung in the air like a lifeless marionette waiting for the puppeteer to tug at its strings. Killua looked around with a weary stare and realized that he was in a torture chamber. He let out a heavy sigh. He was back home. After returning home he was placed in solitary confinement. Only, it wasn't entirely solitary. There was Milluki. "That stung," Killua said calmly.

That's right, he failed the exam. But more importantly, he left Gon. Against his will and without even saying goodbye. That realization stung harder than any whip.

After returning home, one would think that resuming an old way of life would be easy. But after nearly blinding his mother, severely stabbing his big brother, and coldly denouncing his little brother, it was far from desirable and something Killua pursued with little effort in amending. Solitary confinement was the obvious choice. Killua spent his days pacing around his cell, alone but not unproductive. He was alone—he could think (a dangerous notion that even Killua knew Illumi tried to suppress within him, which is why Killua was determined to piss Illumi off by thinking more than he has ever had before.) He attempted to piece together memories of his 'fight' with Illumi, murdering Bodoro, and his pilgrimage back home. Which felt like trying to collect white dandelion seeds that have long since scattered in the blustering wind. Killing Bodoro mattered little to Killua nor did guilt hang around his neck when he vaguely remembered striking through the old man's back—shooting straight for the heart. Or did he slice up his chest from the front with a clean snap of his bones? The kill was a blur, but his hand still shivered from the impact, as if it was still fresh and raw on his fingertips. There was blood—there always is. On his hands and face and hair. Why did he do it? Bodoro wasn't a threat or a strong enough opponent to pique Killua's interests in a fight. He wasn't even someone Killua despised nor did the man vex Killua in any way that warranted his death, Killua understood if that was the case but Bodoro was nobody to him. Killua walked back and forth in his cell, thinking, wondering, screaming out in frustration until his voice ran sore and grew tired from asking questions his own mind had grown exhausted in failing to answer.

Then he grew dangerously somber, goosebumps prickled over his skin as he thought he had an irreversible disease that turned his head into swiss-cheese, full of aching gaps and lost fragments of time. There was something wrong with him, with his brain or somewhere dark and further within. What more will he forget? Can he save himself now that he's awakened to it? At least stop the progression of whatever vile thing is flowing through his blood? Soon the not knowing grew from fear and then into rage. These 'blips' have happened to him before, where the world goes by as if in a hurry and he's watching it all and himself from a distance. Killua could always see himself, murderous and powerful and unstoppable, but his eyes were always lost and cold and gloomy. He never liked the truth of what he saw—a sad little boy in need of saving.

Killua knew it was unreasonable to blame Illumi, but the thought would never leave him. Illumi did something to him, but what exactly? Or was this just the inherent, despicable, tyrannical power of big brothers? Making their little brother's heads become fog riddled on command? Killua screamed insults at the walls that no one could hear, perhaps that is why he shouted louder and louder and cursed harder and harder until it didn't matter who he was spewing hate against. Anyone would do. He was angry, and he had a right to be. The insults ended when he began arguing with a brick he envisioned as Illumi's face and reasoned that he should feel humiliated for it having won even in his own delusions.

The one constant in his solitary confinement was Milluki. Not even in solitary confinement would his family leave him alone. Smothering him as they've always done before. He'd rather pick a fight with the brick again.

"You're a pain in the ass, you know that. You have no idea how much trouble you caused the Family." Milluki barked. Killua attacked him, unprovoked. According to Family rules, it was within Milluki's right to punish Killua as he saw fit. That's why Milluki chose the heaviest whip he could find. He displayed how ferocious it could be, and let the sound snap in the air, like a dragon in flight, hoping to frighten his little brother. Killua didn't flinch; he never batted an eye.

Killua stared down at his brother, unblinking. If Milluki knew anything about Illumi's dealings with Killua's mind, or horrifying hereditary diseases, he wasn't going to say a thing about it. Out of loyalty, or fear. They were brothers, but there were things each respectively feared in the other. Secrets or doubts or weaknesses were currency to easily blackmail and exploit between them. Keeping secrets was the best way at keeping peace, but Zoldyck boys rarely gathered ammunition just to store away and collect dust.

If a Zoldyck boy started a war, he also intended to win it.

Killua feigned indifference at his hot headed older brother. "Is this about big brother's wedding? Sorry I missed it. I was just going to sleep through most of it with my eyes open anyway." He yawned at the latter.

Milluki growled. "That isn't what you should be begging forgiveness for."

"Wasn't gonna." Killua paused to think, adding fire to Milluki's rage. "What else did I do? C'mon you need to give me a hint because my memory has kind of been fuzzy lately. Weird, because my dart game is still good, I practiced on the wall over there with pebbles, and contraband chalk Gotoh swiped for me. 1440! I mean, I even beat you at darts and numbers are your specialty. So maybe there's nothing wrong with my brain. Unless it's selective. Selective forgetfulness? Is that a real thing? Hm, isn't Illumi forgetful too? I hope this isn't something genetic. Hey Milluki, do you ever forget things?"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOU CAN'T RUN YOUR MOUTH OFF TO GET OUT OF PUNISHMENT!" Killua was a motormouth and the more he talked, the further away the conversation was going to get.

"Oh darn, you got me. Right when I was just about to reel you in and tell you how the rest of my exciting day went. Nothing. A lot of nothing happened. I was so bored I'd thought of tasting chalk—is chalk edible? I know it isn't. But what if? Nah…unless. Couldn't be. Yet how would you know? No…Hey Milluki could you break off a tiiiiny piece and—"

"Killua, you are unsafe when left to your own devices. It's frightening to watch."

Killua smiled genuinely for the first time since Milluki woke him up. "I try."

Milluki held his whip with authority and walked like a general in the military, from one end of the chamber to the other in a straight line. Killua was his disobedient and profoundly stupid cadet who desperately needed disciplinary action. "You left a wake of chaos after you ran away, it was only thanks to Mama and Illumi who were able to keep face in front of the Moiraio Family and the Bureau. The Moiraio's married into a strong family, not one that is ready to fall apart at the slightest whiff of trouble. You forget that each of us is a pillar to our Family's strength, each of us must uphold our duties to deter any moment of unforeseeable weakness. When you left, Killua, you betrayed us all. You chose to abandon your duties and let everyone else fix the damage you left behind. You lack order and discipline. I will drill this all into you. All that is vital to being an assassin, but more importantly, being a good little brother. When I am here you will only speak when spoken to, you will listen to me and do as you're told, you will fear me and apologize for your disorderly conduct. And only hope in time to be forgiven. You will treat me with respect. I am your big brother, just as Illumi is, and deserve as much respect, more even."

"Cool. Got it. Also your fly's down."

All in one breath Milluki dropped his whip, shrieked and jumped around to check.

"HA!" Killua cackled wildly. His laughter booming in the chamber. "YOU BELIEVED ME. IIIIIIIIDIOT." Just because they're brothers, doesn't mean Killua automatically respected him. In fact, it was because they were brothers Killua could only love Milluki in ways strangers didn't understand, but simultaneously hate him in ways strangers did. It was confusing. It was family.

Heat rose to Milluki's cheeks, vexed. "What are you still five!?"

"You mean you don't know?" Killua emphasized, mockingly. "I'm twelve. Twelve is divisible by three and four, and four is divisible by two. Any number is divisible by two if the number is even, with its unit digit ending in eight, six, four, two, or zero. Zero is divisible by everything. Someone's memory is fuzzy and it's not mine."

"Actually, all numbers are divisible by zero except zero itself because it is undefined."

"You're undefined."

"ENOUGH FOOLING AROUND!" Milluki snapped the whip to the ground, angrily, like a child being told he must put away his favorite toys.

"But I'm not done torturing you yet." Killua pouted. Annoying Milluki was Killua's only true amusement down here.

Milluki took a deep breath in, calming himself and silencing Killua's goading remarks like 'ooooh I made you mad' or 'keep going I want to see your ears turn to red peppers.' "You stabbed me, unprovoked and in cold blood. You're an idiot for turning on Family. That's why you're down here. That's why you're in solitary confinement. Your punishment from here on out is whatever I say goes. Both mama and papa said so. Whether I eventually send you back up on my own good will, or rightfully leave you down here to rot for the rest of your life, depends on me. I am in control, Killua. I know it's not something you're used to doing, but I'd advise you to think before you speak."

Killua deadpanned. "Your existence alone is enough to provoke anyone, so that's really not my problem if you think about it. And you're wrong. I chose to be in solitary confinement and mama agreed. Or did you forget? We always get a say in punishments. And it's not really solitary confinement if you're always down here bugging me, so why don't you go huff and puff somewhere else."

Calmness be damned. "YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME–"

Killua sneered. "Your stupid speech was so long, it's like you didn't even want me to pay attention. Let me spell it out for you slowly. I chose solitary confinement because I wanted to be left alone FROM ALL OF YOU. Apparently for peace and quiet, but I clearly didn't know what I was thinking. So leave me to regret or lament or whatever. ALONE."

"ENOUGH! YOU TURNED YOUR CLAWS ON ME. ON ME!" Milluki yelled, he said this knowledge as if it should have shocked Killua instead of bored him. Claws are for assassinations, not family. Killua crossed that line. "YOU HURT ME, KILLUA."

"Oh?"

Milluki lifted his hand to his wound, defensively. "THREE GASHES. THE HELL. IT HURT ALOT, Y'KNOW!"

"Tch. Three? That's it?"

Milluki sneered. Snapping the whip with an ear splitting crack, once, twice, then three times against Killua. "Count that."

Killua bit his bottom lip. Never minding the marks left burning on his skin. His breath was bouncing erratically around his throat, he had to hold it in or else he was going to laugh. Milluki's concerns were reasonable, but all Killua saw was a boy throwing a tantrum. Hold it in. Hold it in. Hold it in. "That sounds like something I would do, yeah, but it isn't really coming back to me," Milluki was right though. When Killua wanted to hurt someone, he liked it to last long. "I've been forgetting things lately. Maybe you could get Illumi to help jog my memory, unless he's only good at turning brains into mushy swiss cheese."

Milluki gritted his teeth. Killua had no idea there was a needle probed in his head, but was smart enough to know something was off about himself. Like hell Milluki would be the one to tell him, or worse, be the one to face Illumi's wrath if he did.

"I know you're keeping something from me." Killua pried. "But yeah, I guess it's better for you not to tell me, because Illumi's wrath would hurt exactly like me stabbing you."

"You attacked me in front of mama, right after you blinded her."

"Pfft. She didn't see anything."

That little shit. "Kalluto witnessed everything. How about I get him so he can help jog your memory?"

This made Killua silent. Zoldyck boys don't apologize. They stubbornly hold grudges out of hurt pride, dangle taunts over each other's heads out of petty cruelty, or start arguments just to win them out of nothing but spite. But Killua has changed. Not much, but he has. He had time to think things over in confinement and any ill will he bore towards Kalluto was long gone, but that didn't mean he was willing to talk to him just yet. He couldn't be everything Kalluto wanted him to be, just how Illumi couldn't be everything Killua wanted. Killua has learned this, and Kalluto better learn this too before he tries to face him again. Killua was done trying. Now, it was Kalluto's turn. "Oh, that…so I did. That's what you're mad about?"

"I needed sixty stitches!" Milluki pulled his whip back over his head and unleashed a frenzy of hits on Killua. Eventually he stopped. Giving Killua a brief moment of time to, hopefully, recollect his thoughts and apologize in earnest.

Killua leered, biting down on his own teeth. "If I knew you were going to throw this much of a fit about it then I wouldn't have stabbed you in the first place. Ugh, why do you always have to be a cry baby! I only grazed you, get over it!"

"Just a—-JUST A GRAZE?!" Milluki shouted as he lifted up his shirt. Revealing three long, ugly gashes stitched up and scarred over his abdomen. Along with others that healed and faded over time.

Killua recoiled, a rotten expression on his face that even made Milluki cringe. "I don't wanna see that!"

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WHEN YOU SLICED ME UP THEN, SO FACE THE TRUTH NOW."

"Why are you complaining? They healed well. You should be thanking me that they weren't any deeper. I was really upset with you too and I still held back. Like I'd actually do something cruel to you. C'mon." Killua lied, but as he did, he thought it was best not to mention that he fantasized, in great detail, about hunting down everyone in his family for their reward money. Psyche too, she's officially a Zoldyck, which also meant having a bigger bounty!

"JUST APOLOGIZE ALREADY!"

"BABY BABY BABY BABY!" Killua screeched.

Milluki tucked in his shirt. "Sometimes I swear you're more deranged than Illumi."

Killua gasped. "Take that back."

"No." Milluki snapped. "I hate that smug look on your face. I guess papa's to blame, filling your head with endless praise about how you're better than the rest of us, even him. You think you can do whatever you want, get away with whatever you want, just because everyone tells you you're so special. When you're dead wrong. You're an egotistical brat no better than the rest of us! And you're an idiot for looking down on us, we're the most powerful assassins in the world and sometimes I wonder if that means anything to you. People would kill to do what we do, to have our powers for themselves, but they can't, so they pay for our services instead. There's a demand for people like us in the world. We're needed. Set for life even. So I don't know what the hell you're running away from."

Killua scoffed. "We're not needed. Not really. Not in any way that matters. Assassins get thrown into problems just to create more of them." Killua wondered what it was like running into familiar faces that didn't see him as competition or wanted to kill him. No greetings, well wishes or welcoming hugs, just knives and bullets and explosives chucked down his hoodies. He's lost so many of his favorite hoodies.

"Kil, we're not the problem, we're the solution. The world will always be full of people who want each other dead, it's human nature, whether we're here or not. We provide an outlet of services for those needs that aren't easily fulfilled. We're efficient, exact and always get the job done without a fuss. For the right price, of course."

Killua grumbled. "You talk about us like we're machines, but we're not programmed that way. At least I'm not. I'm tired of making enemies. I want to make friends. Why do we have to choose between family or friends? Why can't we have both?"

"It doesn't work that way, you know that Killua." Milluki was baffled at how delusional his little brother was. No normal child would befriend a criminal. No law abiding officer would let him walk free. No hunter would refuse the allure of apprehending a Zoldyck, nor the prestige and reward that accompanies it. This cell at home was kinder than any prison Killua would be thrown into, if he was stupid enough to not listen to his family.

"C'mon Milluki, don't you want friends?"

"I never wanted a friend nor will I ever need one—only weaklings need friends."

"Not even just one?"

"No." Milluki said, but his voice gave away an emotion Killua was striving to goad out from the beginning. Sadness. A longing for something more than this life of theirs could provide. Milluki hardened his voice, snuffing out all traces of wanting anything in line with Killua's rebelliousness. "Making enemies isn't hard."

"As if you would know what it's like to kill anyone outside your room and have bounty hunters stalk you wherever you go."

"So what? Just kill them. This would never be a problem for me."

"No, it's annoying. I have to carefully weigh my choices more than anyone else. Say if I want to go somewhere, like the skating rink. I really want to go there, but I can't because wherever I go trouble follows. Bounty hunters don't care about destroying public property or shutting down businesses indefinitely to get my reward money. Also you're never out in the field like the rest of us, so don't talk to me like you understand. The last time you left the house was like, what, 2 years ago?" Killua then scoffed under his breath. "My bounty is bigger than yours anyway."

"Skating rink? You shouldn't be going there at all when you can skate here at home."

"You're missing the point." There isn't anyone to play with at home.

"Doesn't matter. You've run out of wasting time, Kil. You're papa's heir. It's about time you start taking it seriously."

"I don't want to be his heir!" Killua screamed. "I'm just so sick of everyone deciding my life for me. When do I get a chance to decide what I want!? I have a voice but I can only use it when you give me permission? What the hell is that?! You're all telling me that I'm special but only when I do everything you tell me to do. When I do what I want, I'm not special anymore. I'm stupid. I'm lost. I'm throwing away my life. I'm supposed to change when I haven't figured out who I am yet. Like I was already supposed to know my life before living it. Maybe I do want to be dad's heir, but at least let me be the one to decide if that's what I want. I know I have power, and you're the idiot for thinking I'll gladly give it up, but it's mine to decide how to use it. You all hope to raise me up to become this great leader, but you believe that I can't make any decisions on my own? You know how degrading that feels? I'm supposed to carry on this great family legacy of world renowned assassins but it feels like I'm going to drive it into the ground instead. Am I special or an idiot? I don't care what you think of me anymore, I already know who I am, it's you who needs to make up your damn mind already!" Killua huffed angrily in ragged breaths.

Milluki didn't know what to say, so he said nothing for a long while as Killua calmed his breathing. Finally, he spoke. "Kil, you're not an idiot. Annoying, yes. Idiot, far from it. You're a Zoldyck and that alone should mean something to you. And I agree. If one of us becomes heir then it's because we wanted it, not because it was expected or forced on us."

A light in Killua's eyes sparkled. Hopeful.

"You're reluctant to admit it now, but I think you do want to be the heir. Illumi was right, you were just overwhelmed, but you're back where you belong now. We all see what you're capable of. You see it too, you said so yourself."

Hearing Milluki say that, disturbed Killua more than he thought it would. No matter how much Killua protested, his family saw a killer within him, though he wished they could see more. He didn't know what, but something better. Something good.

Gon saw something good within him.

"Otherwise you will be throwing away everything you worked for. All the time papa and big brother spent training you—"

"Did you listen to anything I just said?" Killua cut off Milluki. "I ran away, ditched big brother's wedding, maimed you and mama, and you still want me as heir? If you haven't been paying attention to my life then it's that I consistently make terrible decisions and have no intention of stopping any time soon. I'm trying to make it as easy as possible for you all, but you still want me here anyway?"

"Killua, I am listening. It's only that you….you just have no idea how good you have it. Trust me on that. Every opportunity is being offered to you on a silver platter for you to take and yet you don't want it." The latter could not be said without bitterness. Milluki never knew what it was like to be chosen, wanted, or be seen as the Family's future. It was not something Milluki experienced or thought he ever would. Milluki did not understand why Killua didn't want this glorious attention while he desperately clawed for scraps of it. Living day in and day out in his brothers' shadows, outshined and overlooked.

"No one listens." Killua croaked a strangled laugh at the manacles above. "That's what you've been asking for since the moment you woke me up with a bloody lip. Listen to me. Just this once. You never have to bother with anything else I say again, but just this once, listen to me."

Milluki could no longer hide his contempt, as anger burned in his eyes, roared to life in his voice. "You take everything for granted and never once think how hard any one of us has had it. You couldn't make it on your own without us, that's why you came crawling back home instead."

"Milluki, please."

"I'm glad you left home just so you could stop living in your own fantasy land and learn that the rest of the world doesn't bend over backwards for you—"

"Milluki," Killua's voice dripped with cold venom as he slowly dragged his brother's name through the darkness and chains. He tried to make his brother see reason, but nothing good ever comes from pleading. "You're smart, so tell me this. If you saw me hurtling towards you then you should have known you were supposed to move. But you didn't. Why were you so stupid not to get out of my way? It's like you stood there because you wanted me to hurt you."

Milluki balked.

Killua looked down at his older brother, he looked so small—so weak. "Oh, what's this, I've made big brother run out of mean things to say. This isn't like you at all. How about I give you something to say, something you and I both know very well. Can you guess what it is?" Killua cocked his head to the side, white hair falling in front of sterling blue eyes. "You and I both know." Killua's manacles eerily creaked above—achingly waiting to be broken. "These chains aren't meant for my sake." Without meaning to and without knowing, Killua sent out a wave of deadly aura, enveloping all within the chamber, freezing Milluki in his place.

Milluki gulped, struggling to meet Killua's eyes. Once their eyes locked, the truth was undeniable. As if he could hear Killua taunt the words sickeningly back at him, 'we both know you're scared of me.' He lowered his whip before he could make up his mind to.

Killua smirked a wolf's grin—just like Silva's. His brothers didn't see reason, only fear. "Also, let me give you some advice. When you threaten me, actually make me believe you want me dead. Otherwise I won't take you seriously." Killua yawned, he was ready to take a nap. "Thanks for visiting. You can leave now."

Milluki left Killua's chamber, swallowing down cruel words that have long since lost steam to inflict wounds out loud. He slammed the door to his room shut and threw the whip against the wall, the impact sent the nearest shelf of figurines rattling in place. As he spun in his chair, fuming, he thought of watching live streams of his favorite youtubers or initiate the assassination he's been hired for to let off some steam. He decided he would do neither of those things. He needed to forget everything beyond his room. No brothers or assassinations or weddings gone wrong. Instead, he powered on his computer and opened up the files of the indie game he's been developing for years. He was proud at how far he was coming along, he even made his own music in garageband. He's developed games before, but this was more, it had to be, and he was amazed at how far he surpassed himself. He eyed the characters on screen, faceless avatars beckoning players as they awaited the call to adventure and mayhem in a world unlike his own.

The room was enveloped in a cacophony of clicks as Milluki typed on his keyboard without pause. A warmth swelled up inside of himself, a passion kindling in his heart. It was the surging joy that always resurfaced whenever a new idea sparked in his mind as it desperately needed to be woven into the game and the anxious rush of its urgency to see it to completion that motivated him to endlessly keep moving forward. It was a game built from sleepless nights fueled by coffee binges, purposely strict deadlines that only held one boy accountable, and binded by an unforgettable promise held on tight.

'When I'm finished, you'll be the first one to know. And we can play together again. Wouldn't that be fun?'

A/N: HELLO! LONG TIME NO SEE! I can't believe it's been a year since I last updated, and have been suffering with chronic pain. Time sure does fly lol I was only able to write this chapter because I already had it half written and then just worked on editing it, and I have been feeling a little better. I hope to be entirely pain free one day!

Updates will be slow. There is no scheduale. I just want to heal, but maybe I will write here and there when I feel like it. I really missed this alot. Regarding the chapter, wow, it was just all my comfort characters being very toxic with eachother haha I had alot of fun writing all the brothers interactions! What more is Illumi after? What secret is he hiding? Who is Milluki making a game for? Am I introducing more questions than I will ever have the time to answer? (hahaha) Where is Psyche? I MISS MY GIRL!

I hope you liked this chapter, please let me know if you did, it would make me very happy. Also, I'm not sure if i should keep updating on Fanfiction. Is anyone still here reading? Maybe yes? No? Because I also post on wattpad and ao3.