Chapter Twenty: Long Process

One Month Later

"Livia honey, you didn't have to go through all this trouble for us. We could have just ordered food." Adelle said for the fourth time that day. Olivia's entire family and Fitz's parents drove to Santa Clarita to see Jonah and Noah and to visit with Olivia and Fitz. Olivia had been nonstop all day long and decided to cook for everyone that was coming. She cooked a roast in the crockpot, roasted red potatoes, sweet corn, collard greens and a macaroni and cheese casserole because she knew the kids didn't like collard greens. She even found time to make homemade rolls and whipped together a sundrop pound cake with cream cheese frosting.

The entire kitchen table was full of plates of food as the adults stuffed their faces and the kids ate the plates their parents made for them in the living room. Sophia and Hannah sat at the table beside their mothers, happily eating their food. Olivia's parents were sitting on one side of the table with Althea. Gerry and Carol were sitting on the other side with Erika. Curtis and Jason had to pull up a chair to the corner, but neither of them seemed to mind as they stuffed their mouths full of Olivia's cooking. Olivia and Fitz were sitting on both ends of the table. Every so often, Olivia would catch Fitz staring at her, but she would quickly look away. She'd been avoiding him ever since that day she locked herself in her room. When she finally came out of her room, she tried to pretend as if nothing happened. She didn't want to talk about it, she just wanted to forget it ever happened. But Fitz wasn't going to let her do that. He'd kept his word and didn't leave her bedroom door, until she opened it. He waited for hours, until she opened up. And as soon as she stepped a foot out the door he started questioning her. But Olivia ignored him and walked to the kitchen. He was still on her case, as she calmly made herself some tea.

He kept insisting that Olivia needed to see someone, but Olivia being Olivia, refused. What would it look like for a psychiatrist to be seeing a therapist?

"It's Sunday mommy. We always have Sunday dinner." Olivia replied.

"I know, but this is too much. You shouldn't be on your feet like this in your condition."

"I'm fine mommy." Olivia said slightly annoyed, she felt like she was talking to Fitz.

That's all she'd been hearing from him lately. You shouldn't be doing this, you can't do that. She was suffocating. When Olivia looked up, she saw Fitz staring at her again. She knew he was angry at her at the moment. One for not agreeing to see someone and two, because he'd been the first one to tell her that she had no business in the kitchen cooking all this food. She'd been on her feet all day long first cleaning an already clean kitchen in the wee hours of the morning. Then she spent hours cooking followed by cleaning the kitchen again. When Fitz tried to help her in any way, she practically bit his head off.

"Are you sure that's all you're going to eat?" Adella continued to fuss over her daughter. All Olivia had eaten was a few potatoes and she picked at her meat.

"I'm fine."

"You need to eat Olivia." Adelle ignored her daughter, and scooped up some green and more roast on Olivia's plate."

"I'm not hungry, really." Olivia again felt like she was talking to Fitz. She couldn't count the number of times she'd repeated that same phrase to him.

"Adelle, leave the girl alone." Curtis tried to come to Olivia's defense, but Adelle just ignored him.

"Eat it Olivia." Adelle ordered, and Olivia felt like she was a child again. But nonetheless, she picked up her fork and pierced a piece of roast, before putting it in her mouth.

There was an awkward silence in the room, before Hannah let out a loud burp and the entire room started laughing.

"She's getting so big Thea." Carol said. "She's going to be tall like Jason."

"Oh don't I know it. All my kids are giants thanks to him. JJ is almost to my shoulders now and he's only ten." Althea wiped some cheese out of Hannah's hair. "I just can't believe she's two already. She and Sophia are just growing too fast." Hearing her name, Sophia smiled with a piece of bread hanging out.

"Babies are just precious. Just like those boys." Carol gushed. She just couldn't get over the fact that she was a grandmother now.

"And what fine names you two picked for those boys." Curtis said with great pride. "Good strong names wouldn't you agree Gerry." Both Curtis and Gerry had been giddy ever since they learned the names Olivia and Fitz picked for the boys. "Jonah Jamal." Curtis put an extra emphasis on the middle name and Gerry did the same.

"Noah Thomas."

"Oh would you two just hush." Carol complained, making everyone laugh. Since Sophia had Adelle's middle name, that left only Carol without a baby named after her. "I don't care who has a baby next, you better name it after me." Everyone was still laughing. "Althea and Curtis I'm talking to you too."

"Oh I'm sorry, but you ain't getting it from me. I'm done having kids."

"We've got a boy and two girls, I think we're good." Jason confirmed. "Junior and Erika on the other hand are the only two that don't have kids."

"Why y'all trying to knock me up? Erika asked.

"You heard your mother. Now get to it."

Everyone laughed again, and Olivia was glad the earlier tension had left the room. She wanted to join in on the fun, but she just wasn't in the mood. She hadn't been in the mood for anything lately. Her moods were all over the place, just as her thoughts were. She was having trouble sleeping again, having nightmares just about every night. When she went to visit the boys, she was a mess with guilt. And when she got home she felt more guilt for not being able to be the mother she wanted to be with Sophia. She didn't neglect her needs, she still took care of her. But lately, whenever Sophia wanted to play or wanted Olivia to read to her, it was all Fitz. He was the one who blew raspberries on her belly to make her laugh. Who took her to the neighborhood park to push her on the swings. It was Fitz that read her books at night to put her to sleep and it was Fitz who fell asleep with her on the couch watching Monsters Inc.

Olivia had gone from not wanting Fitz to help with Sophia, to him doing almost everything for her. When she'd found them on the couch with the movie credits playing, she'd been so hurt. It was the sweetest picture, Fitz on his back with Sophia on top of him. He had a protective had on her back and she was clenching his shirt tight in her fist. Olivia was hurting, because she wanted to be able to hold Sophia like that and it was double hurt, because she didn't know why she couldn't. She was finding it hard to bond with any of her kids at the moment. She still went to the hospital to visit the twins, but her visits were becoming shorter and shorter. She didn't know what was going on with her, but she didn't like feeling this way. What kind of mother couldn't rock her child to sleep?

Olivia had been in her thoughts for a while now, and Carol was beginning to notice the troubled look on her face.

Carol gently rubbed on Olivia's arm. "You alright dear?"

Olivia snapped out of it. "Yeah I'm fine."

Fitz made a noise, and Olivia shot a glare at him. Sure she was fine he thought. She's always fine. She never wanted to talk anymore, because she was fine. When she locked herself in her room she was fine. She was fine, although she wasn't sleeping. She was fine, although she hardly ever held Sophia anymore. She was fine, although when she visited the boys it was only to give them the small amount of milk she'd pumped and gaze at them for a while. She didn't talk to them, didn't touch them through the holes in their incubators. She either stood away or sat in the rocking chair and dazed out. She was far from fine, Fitz knew it and so did she. But she wasn't willing to address it.

"I think I'm going to go lay down for a little while." Olivia put her napkin in her full plate and pushed her chair out.

"Are you alright?" Adella asked.

"I'm fine." Olivia was beginning to sound like a broken record.

"Olivia." Adelle called after her, but Olivia just ignored her and walked back to her room. "What is going on with her?" Adelle asked out loud to no one in particular.

"Momma the girl has been through a lot in the past two months." Althea said.

"I know that. But you never know what's going on with her, because she just keeps everything bottled up until she loses her mind."

Curtis chuckled, "Yeah, like she did in the tenth grade." He laughed again, but Althea kicked him hard under the table. "Ow!"

"It's not going to help Olivia by us talking about her."

"Well Fitz, you're here with her." Adelle said. "How is she?"

Fitz paused. He didn't want to lie to Adelle, but he also didn't want Olivia flipping out on him for talking about her to her mother. "She's-" he didn't know how to put it. "She's not okay." Everyone was looking at him to continue. "She's not sleeping and she's been disconnected for a while." Fitz gave them the short sweet version. He decided to leave out the episode at the restaurant and her locking herself in her room.

"What do you mean disconnected?"

"Well like what she just did. She spends half her time zoned out staring out a window and at nights she's furiously cleaning and recleaning the house. Most of the time Sophia and I are out of the house and she's locked in her room."

"Well then you just need to take her with you, don't leave her alone." Carol said.

"I try. Besides going to visit the boys at the hospital and to drop off her milk, she doesn't leave this house. I don't know how to explain it, she's just not the same person anymore. I haven't seen a smile on her face in weeks."

"Again, I don't think sitting her talking about her is going to help anything." Althea said.

Sophia had finished her food and was getting tired, which normally happened after she had a big meal. And after eating two helpings of potatoes, macaroni and finishing her meat, she was stuffed. She started whining so someone would let her out. "Out! Out!" Since Adelle was the closest, she took Soph out of her highchair. But as soon as she sat down, Sophia started reaching for Fitz who was at the other end of the table.

"Well that doesn't hurt grandma's feelings at all." Adelle joked, passing Sophia to Curtis who passed her to Althea who finally gave her to Fitz. As soon as she was in his arms, she laid her head on his shoulder, popped her middle and ring finger in her mouth and closed her eyes.

"I wish Hannah would go to sleep that easily."

"Oh this is just a food coma." Fitz said. "Trying to get her to sleep at night is like trying to get the energizer bunny to sleep."

"Looks like she's really growing comfortable with you."

"Yeah, well it's kind of been just the two of us hanging out lately."

X

Olivia was laying on her bed, curled up in a ball. She didn't feel like being around all her family right now. Which was strange because when she woke up, she was excited to see her family and Fitz's family. She was glad there would be someone other than herself, Fitz and Sophia in the house. New conversation. But after a while, she became almost annoyed by their presence. It wasn't the fact that every two minutes someone different was in her face asking her was she alright. Which she did, however, find annoying. She didn't know why having her family around was suddenly bothering her, she just needed to get a break for a while. Her room was at the end of the hall, so she thought she could just close herself off from the chaos down the hall. That ended when she heard a knock on the door. She groaned, because she just knew it was her mother and she was probably carrying the plate of food that Olivia hadn't finished earlier.

"Come in." Olivia said, but she really meant go away. She was surprised, when Althea poked her head inside instead of her mother.

"Hey little sis." Althea smiled and walked in the room. She sat on the bed beside Olivia who didn't move.

"If you're going to ask me am I okay, please don't."

"I know you're not fine." Althea responded. "I was going to ask you what's wrong."

Olivia was quiet for a while, until she answered quietly. "Nothing."

Thea sighed. "Liv, I know you and I aren't as close as most sisters. You and Curtis have always had a better relationship, but I'm still your big sister. And being your big sister means I care and love you. It also means I know when you're lying."

Olivia grew quiet once again. But when Althea looked down at her, she could see that Olivia was silently crying.

"Liv." Thea scooted down so she could lay in front of Olivia. She was facing her and brushing the tears away from her face. "Will you please for once drop the tough girl act and talk to me. What's going on with you?"

"I don't know. I was fine. Then… I started forcing myself to stay awake at night, because I was having nightmares. Now I'm to the point where I don't even have to force myself, I couldn't go to sleep if I wanted to. I can't relax, I can't just play with Sophia, I can barely get myself up to get her when she cries. I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling." She was crying harder now. Thea had forced her to open up and now she was like a dam bursting. "And when I go visit the boys, I can barely look at them. I just feel so guilty, like it's my fault they're fighting for their lives right now."

"Olivia you know that isn't true."

"Yes it is. I'm a professional, I should have seen that Nora was unstable. I felt something was off about her, but I didn't do anything and my babies almost died because of it. I feel so guilty every time I look at them."

"Olivia-"

"I can't even pump enough milk. I'm barely getting out an ounce. The one thing that's just supposed to come naturally and I can't even do that. I don't know what's happening to me."

"Olivia you know exactly what this is. Some of this may be postpartum depression, but Olivia you were never fine. You never dealt with what happened to you. You never even talked about it. I know that lawyer has contacted you about the trial." Nora was planning to plead not guilty, which meant the case was going to trial. It was no doubt that Nora was guilty, but she was planning to plead not guilty because of mental disease. Her lawyers were trying to get her committed instead of sent to jail. And since the case was going to trial that meant Olivia would have to testify, which was something she did not want to do.

"You can't just keep ignoring it. You need to talk to someone Liv. And I don't mean to me, I mean a professional."

"I am a professional."

"Well honey, if I thought you talking to yourself would work I'd say go for it. But at this point, if you start talking to yourself I think mom would commit you." Olivia cracked a small smile. "Why don't you talk to one of the doctors at your office."

"Thea I'm their boss. I'm not going to talk to them about my problems."

"I know that, I was saying talk to them about recommending you to someone."

"Why does everyone think I need therapy?"

"Because you do Olivia. I don't understand how you can see everyone else's problems, but turn a blind eye to yourself. You are the most dysfunctional psychiatrist I have ever met."

"I thought you were supposed to be cheering me up. This is not cheering me up."

"I got something that'll cheer you up." They both turned to see Junior standing in the doorway.

"She's not smoking a blunt with you Junior." Thea said sternly. Everyone knew Junior loved to indulge every once in a while.

Junior rolled his eyes and walked in the room. "First of all, I'm strictly on the pen now. Odorless oil that gets me high in half the time. Second of all, I have something better than weed to cheer her up." He pulled a plate from behind his back with a big slice of cake on it." He squeezed between the sisters on the bed, laying on his stomach.

"Jesus Junior, did you leave any cake on the pan?" Thea said.

"Be nice or you're not getting a fork." He pulled three forks from his shirt pocket and they all began to eat the cake. "So Liv, you living la Vida Loca or what?"

Thea was quick with a swift smack to the back of Junior's head, causing him to poke the roof of his mouth with his fork. "Damn Thea, I was just playing." He pushed his thumb in the roof of his mouth to soothe the pain. "But real talk, Fitz is making momma think you're going crazy."

"I'm fine Junior."

"No she isn't, which is why she's going to see someone."

"No I'm not." Olivia answered.

"Yes you are. Because if you don't I will move in here with you to keep an eye on you. And you know how mother hen I can be. I'll be worse than momma."

"Thea you can't bully me into seeing a therapist."

"Liv trust me, you don't want her going momma on you." Junior said. "Remember when I had that bad flu and she stayed with me for a while. Her smothering was worse than the flu. I swear she tried to take my temperature the baby way."

"Shut up Junior, I did not." Altha defended herself.

Junior held his hands up, "Look all I know is I woke up and my ass was on fire."

"That's cause you shit yourself in your sleep!" Olivia started laughing again, leave it to her siblings to put her in a good mood. "I had to drag your big ass to the bathroom to bathe you. I should've let your funky ass sleep in it."

X

Later that night, after everyone had gone home, Fitz was in the kitchen cleaning up. Sophia had fallen asleep in her play area in the living room. Fitz had set up her fenced-in play area a week ago, Sophia hated it at first, because she couldn't climb over the walls to get out. But as Fitz added more toys inside and she realized he wouldn't take her out every time she cried, she got used to it. She'd played with Hannah so much today, that they both passed out in the playpen. Thea took more than a few pictures of the two of them playing together and then both of them passed out in the ball pit.

Fitz was scrubbing a particularly difficult pan in the kitchen sink. He'd already filled the dishwasher and decided to wash the rest by hand to speed things along. He didn't hear Olivia walk in. She'd been in her room since she left the dinner table earlier. Fitz didn't expect to see her again for the rest of the night. When she finally spoke, she startled him and he jumped with a start.

"What?" He asked when he turned around to face her with suds all over his hands.

"I said what were you telling my mother about me?"

Fitz didn't answer her, instead he just stared at her. She was dressed in all black, leggings and shirt. She had bags under her eyes and she just looked worn out. "Liv."

"I don't want you bad mouthing me to my family Fitz."

"I wasn't. Your mother asked me how you were and-"

"And what did you say?"

"I told her the truth Olivia. I told her that you weren't sleeping. That you spend all day in your room, that you refuse to talk to me or anyone else. Which is all the truth."

"I'm fine, and I don't want or need you talking to my family about me."

Fitz sighed, this conversation was pointless. "Whatever Olivia." he turned back around to keep washing the dishes.

"No not whatever, I mean it Fitz."

"I said okay." Fitz was done with the conversation, but Olivia wouldn't let up.

"What is your problem?"

Fitz turned back around. "You Olivia, you are my problem. Why is it so hard for you to admit that you are not okay right now? Why is it so hard for you to accept that you need help right now? Why do you always have to be strong in front of everyone?" Fitz realized he was yelling, and stopped. "I know that I can never fully understand what you are going through right now. I can't even imagine it with all that you've gone through, and I am so sorry. But I'm not going to keep making excuses for you with your family, telling them lies about you being fine." Olivia didn't say anything. And when Fitz realized she wasn't going to respond, he rinsed the suds off his hands in the sink and turned to leave. Before he passed by her, he stopped in front of her and. "I'm asking you to get some help. Not for me and right now not even for yourself since that's not motivating enough. But for Sophia and Noah and Jonah. They all need their mother and right now Sophia deserves a better mother than you have been to her." Olivia still didn't speak and Fitz walked down the hall to his bedroom.

X

After Fitz left her in the kitchen Olivia sat in the quiet for a while. That conversation with Fitz was on Olivia's mind all night long. She wanted to be mad at him, she wanted to hate him, to barge into his room and tell him all the many ways he was wrong. But she couldn't, because even though she didn't want to hear it Olivia knew he was right. It wasn't as if she liked the way she was feeling, she knew she was off, but she wasn't ready to confront everything that has happened to her. She wasn't ready to sit down and talk about Nora, which was the root of all her problems.

This isn't how things were supposed to be. Olivia knew her pregnancy was not going to be an easy one, but in the end she was supposed to give birth to two healthy baby boys. She was supposed to be at home loving on her two new babies and watching Sophia interact with her baby brothers. She was supposed to be the happy mother at home letting her family take care of her every need and fighting over who got to hold the babies next. She was supposed to be in post baby bliss, enjoying her family. She wasn't supposed to be separated from her babies and family. She wasn't supposed to be feeling disconnected from not only her family but her children as well. It shouldn't be this hard for her to bond with her kids. Things started off rocky with Sophia, but eventually she fell easily into the mother role and was kicking ass at it. This time around… this time around everything was just wrong. And Fitz was right, her kids needed a mother right now. Sophia needed her to be a better mother and when the boys are eventually released from the hospital she needs to be on her A-game.

Olivia eventually found herself in Sophia's room. The owners of this air BnB really thought of everything, and had set up one of the rooms in the house as a kids room. There were bunk beds on one side of the room and a crib on the other. Sophia was sleeping comfortably in the crib, her fingers in her mouth laying flat on her stomach. Olivia was glad that she'd gotten accustomed to sleeping in a new space and now slept for most of the night again.

Olivia gazed down at her beautiful baby girl. She was getting so big, too big for Olivia's liking. And soon she would have kids three at home. Three completely dependent humans needing her for attention and care. And at the moment she was in no shape to take care of one baby let alone three.

"I'm so sorry." Olivia caressed Sophia's hair. "You deserve so much more than what momma has been giving you. I promise I'm going to do better. I'm going to do better for you and your brothers. Because they're going to get bigger and stronger and when they're healthy enough they'll come home to meet their big sister. And I promise momma is going to take such good care of all three of you."

X

Fitz woke up to the smell of coffee, french vanilla to be exact. He walked in the kitchen to see Olivia sitting at the breakfast nook, sipping from a mug. Looking at her, Fitz could tell that she'd had another difficult night. Her face was puffy, mostly around her eyes, which were also red as well as her nose. SHe'd been crying, probably all night long. Fitz had woken up feeling guilty about what he'd said to Olivia the previous night. Yes he believed most of what he said, but he didn't mean to imply that Olivia wasn't a good mother, because he knew that was far from the truth. He couldn't think of a more naturally nurturing woman, and he was proud that she was the mother of his kids.

Fitz poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down with Olivia at the nook. She smiled weakly at him over her coffee mug.

"Sophia still sleeping?"

"Yep." Olivia wasn't looking at him, instead preferring to look down in her mug or out the window.

"Listen Liv." Fitz started off. "Last night, I didn't mean to blow up and get loud at you the way I did. Nor did I mean to imply that you weren't a good mother, because I know that isn't true. Sophia is so lucky to have you raising her and so are the boys."

Olivia was silent for a moment, before she finally responded. "You weren't entirely wrong. I know I've been off and I haven't been there for Sophia recently as I should have been. And I'm so grateful that you were here and you picked up where I wasn't. I mean Sophia isn't your responsibility and you still took care of her."

"I didn't mind."

"Even so, you shouldn't have had to. I should have been there."

"Liv there isn't anything wrong with accepting help from others. Especially your family."

"I know that. And I'm going to work on being able to accept more help. And I'm going to work on getting better."

"Does that mean you're going to talk to someone? Professionally?"

Olivia had no intention of answering his question and luckily Sophia started crying from the bedroom, so she didn't have to. "I should go get her." Olivia left down the hall to check on Sophia.

Fitz watched her walk away. He was well aware that she never answered his question about her seeking help. He wasn't going to push, she was finally admitting what everyone already knew; she needed help, so he would leave it alone for now.

X

One Month Later

"So is she seeing a therapist?" Athena asked Fitz. She and Fitz were in the back yard with Athena's kids and Sophia. Athena had driven up to see the boys and check up on Olivia. When she got to the house Fitz told her Olivia was out for a while and they decided to let the kids play on the playground the homeowners had built. It was basically their own little park. A big playground set and sandbox. They'd been in the backyard now for almost an hour now watching Jason ride his scooter, Alecia was playing on the playground and Hannah and Sophia were in front of them playing in the sandbox.

"I'm not sure." Fitz answered. "I assume she is. One day she asked me to watch Sophia for a few hours. She's done that for four Mondays in a row now. Always in the morning, she leaves at 8 and she's always back by 11. I have no clue where she goes."

"Have you ever asked her?"

"Yeah once, but she didn't answer me."

"Well is she any better?"

"Way better. She's not back to her regular self, but she's doing much better. She's spending more time with Soph and me. She's started back visiting the boys at the hospital for longer visits. She's eating better, she doesn't look as sad all the time. And although she's still not sleeping so well, she's at least sleeping. But most nights that's interrupted by a nightmare." Fitz remembered the last one she had. He'd woken up thinking Sophia was crying, then he heard Olivia yelling in her sleep. SHouting 'no' and screaming for help. It broke his heart to see the look of fear on her face when he finally managed to wake her.

"She's doing a lot better, I just wish she would open up to me more."

"Well you know how Liv is. You just gotta go slow with her."

"I just wish she would tell me what's wrong so I can fix it for her."

"Fitz I don't think this is something you can just fix. What Olivia is going through none of us can understand. We just have to give her some time to get herself together. And you said she's getting better already, there's nothing more you can do for her right now except what you're already doing. You just keep being there for her. She won't admit it, but she needs you here."

X

Olivia looked down at the yellow and creamed striped couch, thinking it was the most horrific looking couch she'd ever seen. Why on earth would someone want this in their office? She looked around the room and noticed that just about every piece of furniture and decoration in the room had some shade of yellow in it. It was a hideous room Olivia was thinking of different ways she could redecorate for improvement.

"Olivia."

Olivia snapped out of her daydream at her name being called. "What?"

"I asked you how your week was." Dr. Angela repeated.

Dr. Angela Benson was an older black female in her late fifties, she reminded Olivia of Phylicia Rashad. She has been practicing psychiatry for the past twenty years. She has her own practice and is very well respected in her field, which is why Olivia chose her to be her psychiatrist. That and the fact that she was almost an hour away from her home and none of her colleagues knew who she was.

"It was okay. Fitz and I took Sophia out to this little splash pad thing, it was adorable." Olivia smiled thinking about that day in the park with her baby. She never failed to put a smile on her face when she thought of her baby girl. "Fitz and I went to the hospital to see the boys just about every day. And I'm finally starting to get more milk when I pump. I've been trying to get as much out as possible, most people only have one hungry baby to feed, but I have two. I know that stress can affect my milk production, so I've been trying to stay as stress free as possible."

"And how is that going?" Dr. Angela asked.

Olivia sighed. "It seems impossible at times." Dr. Angela looked at her to continue. "I got another call from the lawyer handling my case. She said that the trial is starting next week."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I have mixed feelings. I'm glad that it's finally starting so it can just be over with. But I was also glad that it was taking so long to get a trial date."

"You're nervous about testifying?"

"I'm not nervous, I just don't want to do it." Olivia started picking at a loose string on the couch. "I can't talk about anything that happened in our sessions together because of doctor patient confidentiality, I can only talk about what happened the day she… they are going to make me relive that day, talk about everything she did to me in front of a judge and a crowded courtroom full of strangers. I don't want to do that."

"Olivia, as her victim-"

Olivia cut her off. "I am not- I..." Olivia huffed. "I don't like that, don't call me that."

"What should I say instead?"

"I don't know. I just.. I don't want to be labeled as anyone's victim."

"Okay." Dr. Angela nodded her head and wrote down some notes in her book. "Olivia is there another reason why you don't want to testify?"

"I- I guess I'm angry. Angry with myself. If I hadn't let my guard down, if one of her previous psychiatrists had noticed that she was on the verge of a major breakdown and had her committed. If I had noticed her psychosis building-"

"Then maybe she wouldn't have attacked you?" Olivia looked at her, but didn't answer. "Olivia you can't blame yourself for this."

"Can't I? I'm a trained professional. It was my one and only job to notice those signs, to see that she was pathological and clearly psychotic. She could have harmed so many others. I can't stop myself from thinking about how she could have focused on some other random pregnant woman and that woman not be as lucky as I if she had harmed anyone else, that would have been on me. This entire situation could have been prevented. I didn't do my job and now I'm questioning everything. I use to think that i had everything figured out but now-"

"Olivia you have just gone through a traumatic experience. You've been a lot of things to a lot of different people, but even you are not superwoman."

"I know that."

"Do you?" Olivia again only stared at Dr. Angela. "Last time you were here, we were talking about controlling your emotions and moods. You were really down on yourself. You felt as if you let your guard down and underreacted to Nora and overreacted to your family and friends-"

"I can't seem to get anything right, I'm all over the place."

"All over the place? If a patient had said that to Dr. Pope less than four months after an assault, what would you say to her?"

Olivia shrugged not wanting to answer, but Dr. Angela prodded her. "I don't know, I would say that survivors experience a wide range of reactions and emotions from stress to fear to numbness-"

"Depression, anger, flashbacks?"

"Yes, all of the above."

"Have you ever known someone to take self-defense courses or resolve themselves to never be a victim again?"

"Yes, of course."

"So you might see this kind of overreaction to be emotionally triggered and you might tell that patient that over time he or she will recognize those triggers and temper her responses."

Olivia was aware they weren't talking about some hypothetical patient of hers. "And what if they don't believe me?"

"Well then you might remind them that they are going through a process and that healing takes time."

"Well I don't really have that much time. I have a daughter who needs me now and two boys in the hospital who will need me once they're discharged."

"This isn't something you can rush through Olivia, which I am sure you are well aware of."

"I just want this to be over with. I want Nora to be a distant memory. I want my kids out of the hospital and I want to go home. To my home with my kids and go back to work and pretend that one of this happened to me."

"Olivia you know that that isn't possible. I'm sure you've told your patients before that pretending and suppressing their feelings, trying to ignore whatever happened to them does not make it go away. And in fact pretending can sometimes make matters worse. Olivia this incident will forever be a part of your life now. I'm not saying you have to remember it and think about it, but you do have to face it. And in the end you have to make a choice to let this break you or make you stronger."

Just as Dr. Angela finished talking, Olivia's phone began to ring. Her purse was back on a table near the door. Olvia got up from her chair and went to silence her phone, but when she saw it was Fitz calling she immediately picked up.

"Fitz hey I can't talk right now- is everything alright? What? Ok, ok I'm on my way." Olivia hung up the phone and frantically gathered her things. She turned back to Dr. Angela, "I'm sorry I have to leave early today. My… my son. I have to go to the hospital."

X

I have been watching a ton of SVU in this quarantine and I decided to base Olivia's therapy session off Olivia Benson's on SVU. So if you noticed the similarities that's why.