Chapter Eight: Stop Trying to Fix Me
Here we go Chapter 8! I'm so excited as we move to finish up what I consider to be the first beacon arc. Ryker challenges are only just beginning, but oh boy is this a tough one to start with. I hope you all caught the various nods to Rykers declining physical health starting all the way back in chapters 2 and 3. This has been a real challenge to really earn this chapter while at the same time moving other plot points forward. Enjoy.
(Ryker pov)
The walk to Ozpin's office was slow and quiet. The girls had been giving me odd looks the entire way, they didn't understand why I was dragging my feet. With the way Blake had been looking at me and her constant interest in me eating the past few days, I had a feeling that she knew, if not the whole problem, at least a piece of it. I wasn't surprised that Ruby and Weiss had no clue as to why I was dreading this meeting, I wore my hoodie constantly, I always had myself covered and baggy clothes helped hide my figure, as far as I was concerned it would be impossible to tell unless they were specifically watching me.
We all crammed into the elevator that brought us up the tower that held Ozpins office, the clocktower being the largest structure on the Beacon Academy grounds, the entirety of Vale visible from Ozpins office window. It occurred to me just now that Ozpin had positioned himself as a man who sees all.
The elevator dinged and the doors opened revealing Ozpin sitting at his desk casually talking with Professor Goodwitch standing next to him pointing at various things on the scroll they were both looking over.
"C'mon," Ruby urged.
"Ms. Rose, Ms. Schnee, Ms. Belladonna, Mr. Thorne, it is a pleasure to see you. Mr. Thorne, I presume that you are adequately healing from your injuries?" Ozpin spoke as we now all stood in front of his desk.
"A little sore and I won't be able to participate in any physical activities for a few more days, but I am fine," I replied numbly.
"Good, I am glad that you are recovering nicely. Now as to why I brought you all here. I believe this is a conversation for the entire team, as this affects all of you." Ozpin sighed taking a small sip from his mug. "Glynda."
At his prompting, Professor Goodwitch cleared her throat. "I would first of all like to formally apologize to you, Mr. Thorne. While training accidents do happen, this one could have been completely avoided. Please rest assured that Mr. Winchester has been adequately punished and has been serving detention with me every day since you were injured."
Blake scoffed crossing her arms, her action drawing everyone's attention. "It's amazing how Cardin is openly allowed to be racist, as well as purposely put my partner in the hospital and the only repercussions are that he has detention."
"Mr. Winchesters shortcomings are duly noted, and we are already working on helping him with his prejudices. However, we are choosing to try and help him see the error of his ways instead of pushing him further into even more extreme ideals surrounding faunus students. It is our duty as teachers to try and help him improve." Ozpin spoke calmly.
"That's not fair, what about your duty to the students who are bullied by him daily? What about their comfort?" Blake argued.
"We are not here to discuss Mr. Winchester's prejudices, Ms. Belladonna. As far as I am aware Mr. Ryker is human. How Mr. Winchester feels about Faunus is inconsequential to the matter at hand."
Blake opened her mouth to argue, her entire body tense. "Blake… It's fine," I spoke softly. "It's nothing I haven't experienced before."
"Ryker, you shouldn't have to deal with someone targeting you simply because-" She cut herself off, fists clenched as she clammed up. She had nearly revealed that my mom was a faunus.
"Do you have something pertinent to share Ms. Belladonna?" Ozpin spoke calmly, all eyes on her as Ruby looked on in confusion while Weiss looked on in suspicion.
Blake looked like she wanted to speak, to reveal what she knew, but a single scathing look from me had her shaking her head no.
"Very well, as for the next reason as to why I brought you all up here." Ozpin sighed taking another slow drink from his mug. His eyes flickered over to me. He was going to do it. He was going to out me.
"Professor, please," I begged softly.
"Ryker?" Ruby questioned.
"I believe you have had enough weeks here to figure this out on your own Mr. Thorne. Now you need to rely on your teammates, and if that doesn't succeed then we will have to seek further help for you." Ozpin replied, no remorse in his voice. His cadence and tone made it seem almost like my situation was boring to him. Shame crept into my heart.
"What are you talking about Professor? What is going on with Ryker?" Weiss asked, her focus switching from Blake to me.
"Is Ryker ok?" Ruby asked softly.
"The short answer is no Ms. Rose. Mr. Thorne is not ok, he has been medically not ok for several weeks now and has been trying to hide the fact from everyone." Glynda supplied, both Ruby and Weiss now looking at me with a mix of concern, hurt, and betrayal.
"You're sick and you didn't tell us?" Weiss shouted.
"I am not sick! I am fine, they are overreacting and need to leave it alone. I am solving the issue." I hiss.
"Ryker?" Ruby whispered, the look on her face making me cringe. The normally happy-go-lucky girl was looking at me like I was actively dying in the hospital with cancer.
"Ruby, I swear I am fine. They are just blowing this out of proportion."
"We are not blowing this out of proportion Mr. Thorne." Ozpin hummed gesturing for Glynda to explain.
"During Mr. Thorne's visit to the hospital, it came to our attention that Mr. Thorne was severely under-weight. Simply put, after a little bit of digging through school security cameras and kitchen records it has been revealed that Mr. Thorne simply does not eat enough. Managing to eat maybe one meal a day since he has arrived here."
"What?" Both Ruby and Weiss gasped, one looking at me with confusion and concern and the other with confusion and anger.
"Why haven't you been eating? Are you dense? You need to eat Ryker." Weiss spat like it was the simplest thing in the world.
"I eat, they are full of shit." I snap pointing at Headmaster Ozpin and Professor Goodwitch.
"I can assure you three that we are not. Mr. Thorne is simply trying to deny that they have a problem." Ozpin spoke as I glared daggers at him.
"You never come to breakfast with us," Ruby spoke, realization dawning in her eyes.
"You also never come to dinner with us, you only come to lunch." Weiss pipped up.
"And you never eat much during lunch, you usually throw away most of what you grab." Blake sighed as the team now realized how little they saw me eat.
"This is so stupid, you are blowing this out of propo-"
"How much underweight?" Ruby asked, her voice sounding so small in the giant empty room.
"Mr. Thorne is five-foot-two-inches. Same height as you I believe Ms. Rose. As a huntsman who will need to be in substantially better shape than the average human. Were he not trying to be a huntsman his weight would be concerning, but not needing intervention quite yet. However, he is trying to become what is arguably the most dangerous job in all of Remnant. He is expected to be at around one hundred and seventy-five pounds with a body fat percentage of twelve to eight percent."
"How much does he weigh right now?" Blake spoke up, her voice not as shaken as Ruby's and not as angry as Weiss'. It was a middle ground, though that wasn't very surprising. I had a feeling that Blake was clued into my eating habits for a few weeks at the very least.
"Mr. Thorne only weighs one hundred and two pounds." Goodwitch sighed, a choked sound escaping Ruby at the number.
I shook my head, that was bullshit, there was no way I weighed that little. There was no way. They were exaggerating, sure I had lost weight, sure I had been eating a lot less, but it wasn't that bad. I was fine.
I. WAS. FINE.
The moment seemed to last forever, the silence of the room growing in my ears till it was practically all I could hear. I didn't even know silence had a sound, but it was so loud. Unbearable. It was unbearable and I wanted it to stop. It was too loud, I needed quiet.
I don't feel myself hit the floor, my legs crumpling out from beneath me as I let out a strangled sound. The silence grew to a bloody roar in my own head. My hands grasp at my head, fingers digging into the sides of my face as I try to dig the very sound out of my head. If I could pull it out then I could have quiet. My hands feel wet by the time I feel my hands being pulled away from my head. Arms wrapped around me as bodies moved around the room.
Hands cupped my face gently, my eyesight pulling into focus to find Ruby on her knees with me, both hands holding my face as she looked at me with misty eyes. Her silver eyes twinkled from the tears she was barely holding back. "Ryker." She spoke softly. "Ryker are you with me? Just nod if you can hear me."
I nod, I was with her.
"You are ok. You are going to be ok. We will help you. I'm sorry I didn't see you suffering but I see you now. We got this, Team RSBR has your back." She spoke with conviction, her leadership shining through.
I raise my arms slowly, the arms wrapped around me letting me go as I wrapped my arms around Ruby. My voice was gone, but that didn't stop me from mouthing the words "I'm sorry" over and over against her neck as we hugged.
We sat like that for what felt like hours, but I didn't know for sure. More than likely it was only for a few minutes. I felt a hand on my back rubbing comforting circles into me as I tried and failed to pull myself together.
I felt raw, like a nerve. Everything was sensitive, and everything hurt. By the time I was able to make it to my feet, I was already exhausted. I might have just spent three days in the hospital sleeping off my injuries but I was already wanting to go to bed.
Blake offered me a comforting smile, Weiss looked conflicted. I couldn't get a read on the Ice Queen, her body was tense, but her face was a mess of emotions that I was too drained to try and read. Ozpin and Goodwitch looked mildly concerned. It wasn't surprising, they just witnessed a student of theirs have a complete mental breakdown after being confronted about a health issue.
It made sense. I couldn't compartmentalize it anymore. Everyone was concerned because I had a problem. I wasn't fine, I wasn't ok, I wasn't getting better, and I wasn't handling it on my own. If I continued like I was, I could possibly die. I needed help. I needed my teammates' help.
"This has been an incredibly taxing conversation for Mr. Thorne. We will end it here for now. Ms. Rose, Ms. Schnee, Ms. Belladonna I ask for all of you to help Mr. Thorne put on weight. Do not let him skip meals, make sure he drinks adequate water, and make sure that he gets a proper amount of sleep. If he is to recover he will need your help. Eating disorders are tricky and require lots of attention if they are to be managed. Mr. Thorne is relying on you to help him. If we see no progress on his weight within the next month we will have to take more drastic actions that will put his status as a student into question. Have a good night." Ozpin spoke, his voice serious as my three teammates took in what exactly had been asked of them.
"C'mon Ryker, let's go back to the dorm," Ruby spoke holding my hand and guiding me back to the elevator.
"I will grab Ryker dinner and bring it back to the dorm. We have to make sure he eats before bed." Weiss spoke.
"Sounds good." Blake nodded.
Ruby and Blake lead me back to the dorm, Weiss breaking off from us when we pass the kitchen. They lead me into the dorm and I practically collapse into my bed.
"Ryker, do you need your scroll to talk?" Blake asked softly as she dug it out of my nightstand.
I nodded taking it from her. I opened up the notes app immediately and began to type. "I'm sorry. I tried to fix it on my own."
"Ryker, it's ok. All that matters is that we get you better." Ruby spoke as she sat on her own bed.
"I should have said something. I shouldn't have lied." I responded with a frustrated grunt.
"You shouldn't have, but you did and there is no changing that. Just in the future, be honest when you are struggling." Blake sighed sitting in a chair that was used for our study desk.
"Ryker, why aren't you eating?" Ruby asked just as Weiss opened the door to the room carrying a plate of food.
"It's not much, some leftover chicken and rice, but it will be enough for tonight. Starting tomorrow you will be coming to breakfast, lunch, and dinner with us." Weiss handed me the plate, I took it grimacing as the smell of the chicken had my stomach churning.
I set the plate on my nightstand for a moment so I could answer Ruby. " I don't know why, but since my mom's death everything tastes like mud, and keeping food down is hard. I puke a lot of it up."
"Thank you for being honest. You can talk more later. I want you to try and finish that entire plate for me." Weiss spoke taking the scroll out of my hands and replacing it with the very plate of chicken and rice I had just set aside.
I hesitate for a moment before taking a bite of the food. The rice was bland, and I could hardly taste the chicken. Though this time there was no mud flavor. It wasn't tasty, but I didn't feel like swallowing it was a challenge.
I feed myself, spoonful after spoonful. I managed to eat about half of the plate before the taste of mud came back. My body started to go through the signs of warning me that it would puke everything I had eaten up if I tried to eat anymore. I tried to lift one more spoonful of rice to my mouth but dropped the spoon to the plate shaking my head as I set the plate aside. "I can't eat anymore. I will puke." I sign.
"Can you do even a little more or are you completely done?" Blake asks.
"Completly done. I will puke." I repeat, hoping that Blake understood the sign for puking, it was pretty obvious but you never know.
Weiss takes the plate from me and wordlessly walks out of the room. Both Ruby and Blake were quiet, it felt like it was impossible to break the tension. I had fucked up, I let myself get put in the hospital, and worst of all I had been tanking my physical health for weeks. I frankly didn't understand why they were all being so supportive about this. They all seemed so upset in their own ways, and yet they set it all aside to try and help me.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
My apology seemed to snap the two out of their own silence. "Ryker, you don't need to apologize. This isn't your fault." Ruby spoke as Weiss walked back into the room, shutting the door before sitting on her own bed.
"I'm the one not eating. It is my fault." I sighed.
"It is not." Weiss snipped making me flinch at her tone. "Ryker, I won't pretend to know exactly why or how this started, but your mom must have meant a lot to you. I can see how her death might have led to you having a mental health disorder of this magnitude. No, it is not your fault. Yes, this is serious and I am beyond angry at you for hiding this when we could have been working on this as a team from the very start."
I nod, trying to keep myself from crying again. I was so tired of crying. I hated how emotional I was, I wish I could handle things better. "I'll do better. I promise."
"We know," Ruby spoke.
"From now on, you will be having all of your meals with one or more of us. If at the end of the day, your meals don't add up to three or more there will be consequences." Weiss spoke.
"Consequences?"
"You will be running a lap around Beacon for every meal you miss," Blake spoke up.
My eyes widen in horror. I was going to die.
"With that settled, we should probably turn in. Remember Ryker, you will be going with us to breakfast tomorrow." I nodded a hum of agreement sounding from my throat. This seemed to be enough to appease the Heiress as she pulled out her night-time clothes and walked to the bathroom to get changed.
I was relieved that I had people who knew what was going on with me, but at the same time felt like a complete and utter failure. Ruby, Blake, and Weiss did not need to deal with my bullshit. It wasn't fair to them. I just hoped that I could fix myself quickly so I would stop being a burden.
I sat down, Weiss having told me to take a seat with Team PNLY while she got me food. For some reason, the Heiress seemed to be taking the lead on getting me to eat. I didn't quite understand why she cared so much, but I was choosing to go with the belief that Weiss took Ozpin's instructions as if they were a school assignment.
"Hey, Ryker!" Yang cheered happily across from me, the rest of Team PNLY giving me smiles as well. "Finally out of the hospital huh?"
"Y-Yeah, I'm still hurt but I will be fully healed within the next few days." I smiled softly trying to ignore the anxiety building in my chest. Team PNLY didn't know, they would ask questions. I didn't know if Ruby and the others would stay quiet about my eating. I didn't even know if I wanted them to stay quiet about it. Hiding my issue is what got me to the point of Ozpin and Glynda outing me to my teammates. Maybe if my friends knew, it wouldn't be so bad, and I wouldn't have to hide.
"I am glad you are doing better, we all were worried about you," Pyrrha spoke.
"Yeah, Ren had to hold me back from breaking Cardin's legs."
"You can't just break the legs of every bully you come across." Ren sighed.
"Sure you can, you just need enough force when you hit them." Yang quipped getting a high-five from Nora.
"Ryker will not be picking any fights with anyone till he is cleared for combat," Weiss spoke setting a tray of food down in front of me. A few pancakes, eggs, bacon, and cottage cheese. "You have to eat at least half of everything on the plate." She spoke to me ignoring the looks that Team PNLY gave her.
I nod, averting my gaze from the others as I begin to take small bites. Like last night the food actually managed to taste good. I didn't really understand it, but I wasn't going to complain. Blake and Ruby sat down with their own food, both giving me small nods as they began to eat. Though there was slight tension in the air, Team PNLY was chatting away, while our team sat in relative silence.
"So who died?" Yang asked.
"Yang!" Pyrrha gasped.
"No, you can't tell me you don't see it. Rubes, what's wrong?" Ruby opened her mouth but hesitated, her eyes trailing over to me asking me what to do.
"Ruby, it's fine. They are our friends, they deserve to know." I spoke before looking back down at my eggs. The taste was starting to turn muddy, I had barely eaten anything. I stuffed a piece of bacon into my mouth, grimacing at the flavor.
"Well, you see… uhhhh. Right, anyway, Ryker has just been having some issues lately." Ruby rambled, her explanation making the entirety of Team PNLY stare at me with confusion and concern. I flinched, grabbing another piece of bacon.
"What's wrong?" Pyrrha asked.
"Umm, well. I gues-"
"Ryker has developed an eating disorder and we are having to help him eat." Weiss snipped.
"Weiss." Ruby hissed.
"You were dragging it out and making it seem worse than it actually is. Ryker will be ok, as long as we help him and make sure he stops skipping meals." Weiss hissed back.
"Wait, Ryker isn't eating?" Nora asked.
"I don't mean to," I whisper, pushing my fork around the plate.
"I mean, it can't be that serious right? So he forgets to eat or something? Can't you just set an alarm on his scroll or something?" Yang asked.
"Eating disorders are not that simple. This isn't Ryker just not eating, it's Ryker not being able to eat." Blake spoke up.
"What do you mean can't eat? He looks like he's eating fine to me?"
"That's because he has been hiding his habits from everyone and this is the first day that we are helping him with his issue," Weiss explained as the tension started to grow. My teammates were weirdly defensive when Yang just simply didn't understand.
"Look, I don't know, it just doesn't seem like it's that big of a deal. So Ryker doesn't eat as much as he should. So he puts on five or ten pounds and it's fixed. You guys acted like he was dying." Yang shrugged getting heated glares from Blake and Weiss.
"Yang it's not that simple. Ryker is not just a little underweight, he is severely underweight. Professor Ozpin and Professor Goodwitch were talking about him getting kicked out if he doesn't gain weight." Ruby exclaimed causing Yang to do a double take.
"Wait he's going to get kicked out?" Nora asked with concern.
"Not if I put weight on," I spoke up, spearing a piece of egg onto my fork and slowly bringing it to my mouth. Each bite gets harder and harder to stomach.
"How much weight do you need to gain?" Ren asked.
"I'm about thirty pounds underweight for the average civilian. For a Huntsman who should be in peak human condition, about seventy pounds." My comment sent the table into silence, Nora's fork clattering to her tray.
"How have we not noticed?" Pyrrha asked out loud.
"I wear baggy clothes and purposely never change in front of people. I don't think Ruby, Weiss, or Blake have even seen me without a shirt on in the time we have been a team. You didn't notice because I didn't want any of you to notice." I sigh as I try to take a bite of a pancake, the moment my mouth touches it I am already spitting it out, my fork clattering onto my tray. I push the food away as my stomach threatens to send all of the food I had just eaten right back up. I pushed it too far. The food had tasted like mud five bites ago, but I had only made it through a third of the plate of food that Weiss had made for me.
"Ryker?" Yang asked softly.
"Woah." Nora gasped.
"I can't eat anymore. I'm going to puke if I so much as smell any more food." I groan clutching my stomach.
Weiss sighed, standing and grabbing the tray. "It's better than nothing, thank you, Ryker. You did good." She spoke looking at the picked at food. "This is a good start." Her heels clicked on the tile floor as she went to throw the rest of it away and put my tray back for cleaning.
I bowed my head in shame, I had failed to eat what they wanted me to. Weiss was just being nice, I knew she was disappointed. I was broken out of my thoughts when I felt a hand press into my thigh, looking up to see Blake giving me a reassuring smile. "It's ok."
"I'm sorry Ryker, I didn't realize how hard this was for you. I was being pretty insensitive." The blonde spoke.
"It's fine, you couldn't have known." I wave off.
The conversation returned to normal a few moments later. Nora recounted another dream she had, Ren corrected the details that she had changed from when she told him it versus what she told us. Yang flirted with Blake and teased Ruby. Pyrrha and Weiss would casually talk with me about various things. Mostly telling me about the most important things that I had missed from the classes we shared while I was in the hospital. It was nice.
I had shared a vulnerable part of myself and they had all treated me the same as always, though with a bit more understanding around something that had become difficult for me. I was still upset that Ozpin and Glynda had outed me to Ruby, Blake, and Weiss, but getting to choose to tell Team PNLY felt empowering. I put my trust in my friends, and so far, they haven't let me down.
It all felt nice, except for the pit in my stomach reminding me that I would be abandoning them the moment I was strong enough to save Mom. They were friends for now, but they would never know me if I could save her. It was fine though, it was probably for the best that they never met me. I wasn't a good friend to have.
So why did my heart ache at never seeing my teammates again?