Chapter Twenty-Two: You Come Out a Thousand Times
(Ryker pov)
"Hold still."
"I'm trying!"
"No, you are moving!"
"I'm moving 'cause you're stabbing me in the eye!" I snap at Yang who gives me an unimpressed look.
"Girl, it's fucking eyeliner." She deadpanned all while Ruby giggled from my bed.
I blush with embarrassment, I knew I was being a big baby but I couldn't handle it. I hated when stuff touched my face, it always made me flinch, and it always made me think I was about to be hurt.
"I'm sorry," I murmured as Yang sighed and put away the eyeliner.
"Okay, so eyeliner is a bit too much right now, but that's ok, you did good with the concealer, blush, contour, and eyeshadow. Now just pucker your lips and don't move, you really don't want to taste liquid lipstick." Yang sighed pulling out the lipstick in question.
I tried to relax and just do as she asked, after all, it was my idea. I wanted to know if makeup would have the same effect on me as the clothes did. We had a bit of time to ourselves, and Ruby and Yang were happy to oblige. However, I didn't know that makeup would take nearly forty-five minutes. I was getting anxious and any attempt I made at trying to see myself was stopped by Yang who wanted me to wait till she was done.
I shivered at the odd feeling of the applicator on my lips, thankful that unlike everything else, this was done in less than thirty seconds. "Aaaaaand done. Don't touch your face, go and look in the mirror." Yang smirked as she packed up her makeup.
I slowly got up from my spot on the team bed and turned to Weiss' full body mirror and I gasped. There I sat, framed with ashy bangs and stormy eyes was my face. I already had a pretty slim but round face, I didn't have any chiseled features to speak of but with the contouring, I looked soft, I looked pretty.
"Woah," I murmure.
"While my makeup isn't in your shade and you would need lighter concealer and contour compared to me, you won't need much lighter. You thankfully aren't as pale as Ice Queen." Yang snorted as she smacked my hands away from touching my face. "Don't touch, even good makeup smears if you play with it too much." She warned.
"I just can't believe it's me," I say softly as Ruby comes up from behind me and wraps her arms around me, laying her chin on my shoulder. I hated that she was taller than me in her boots… Well, kind of hated it. It was nice… Sometimes.
"I want you to go to the dance," Ruby spoke gently. "I know you are trying to find leads on the White Fang but it would be really nice if you and Blake took a single night off to enjoy yourselves."
Damnit.
"Ok." I relent, and the moment I do Ruby's eyes light up with excitement.
"Really? You mean it!" Ruby squealed with excitement earning a snort and a look I couldn't quite understand out of Yang.
I slowly peeled the excited Ruby off of me and gave a small nod. "I guess I can take one night off, and I can work on convincing Blake to go too."
"Oh Ryker, You are the best!" Ruby squealed as she zipped across the room to grab her scroll, rose petals flying everywhere.
"Ruby not in the dorm!" I whine as the entire room becomes saturated in rose petals.
"Sorry," Ruby called back as she dialed a number on her scroll. It only took a moment before a voice answered that we all knew.
"Ruby, this better be important, I am knee-deep in colored tablecloths and doilies right now and I have to make a decision within the next hour." Weiss groaned.
"Weiss! Weiss, Weiss, Weiss, you will never guess what just happened!" Ruby rambled.
"Ruby, I really don't have time for th-" Weiss started but Ruby cut her off.
"Ryker agreed to go to the dance and even said that they would get Blake to go too." Ruby squealed.
The scroll went silent for a moment, all of us eager to see the Ice Queen's reaction to the news. Please let it get her off our ass about the whole White Fang stuff. "You aren't joking are you?" Weiss asked in a weirdly small voice, completely lacking the usual confidence that she usually had.
"No, Ryker is right here, tell her, Ryker!" Ruby said shoving her scroll into my hands.
"Hey, Weiss," I say slowly as both sisters look at me with wide grins and thumbs up. "Ruby, wasn't joking. I will be going to the dance, and I will try to get Blake to go too. We can spare a single night."
"Do you have a suit and slacks?" Weiss asked
I cringed and the painfully tight ball of awful feelings appeared in my stomach. "Not yet. I'm going to call in a favor with Coco. She will help me get something." I say off the cuff.
"Wear maroon or powder pink. Those are your colors. Don't disappoint me." Weiss said before hanging up the call.
I sucked my lip into my mouth, biting at it out of anxiety, the taste of flaking lipstick filling my tastebuds.
"Hey, don't do that!" Yang whined.
"Ryker, you didn't look too happy about the suit." Ruby started, her hand taking my own with a reassuring grip. "I didn't even think about how the dance would make you feel considering the whole-" Ruby cut off.
"G-girl thing." I finished for her, the anxiety swirling even deeper.
"Yeah… Are you ok with wearing a suit?" Ruby asked.
I rubbed the back of my head, trying anything to keep myself from touching my face and ruining the makeup that Yang had spent so long working on.
"I don't know." I finally answer.
"Why not just go in a dress?" Yang asked which I responded with the nastiest glare I could give. Yang shrugged her shoulders sheepishly. "Look, all I am saying is that you are going to the dance, and if the suit isn't gonna work out for you, then why not just say fuck it and go in something that will make you feel beautiful?"
She had a good point… Was the dance an opportunity to make that leap of faith? For me to finally just give in and dress and present how I want to present instead of what's expected of me?
I pulled out my scroll and swiped through my contacts before settling on a name I hadn't spoken too since I got the number. I pressed the contact and let it ring, the call answered after only the second chime.
"Hello?"
"Hey Coco, it's Ryker. I need your help. You back from your mission yet?"
"Yeah, we got back two days ago. What's up?" Coco drawled, her voice completely relaxed.
"I need to call in that favor that you owe me, can you come to the Team RSBR dorm right now?" I ask, the line going silent for a moment.
"I'll be there in five, can I bring Velvet?"
"Yeah, but only Velvet. I also need you to be quiet about this. It's kind of a difficult thing for me." I sigh before the line goes dead.
This was going to be a difficult conversation.
The wait felt like forever but Ruby kept rubbing my back while Yang told me stupid little stories about their childhood to try and lighten the mood. If not for them, I would have probably tried to make a break for the window at this point. Eventually, a knock sounded on our door. The anxiety doubled then tripled. I had purposely not removed the makeup, I was in the clothes that Ruby had given me. I was as fem as I could possibly be and I was trying so hard to keep myself from running away and changing back into the clothes I hated.
Yang got up, went to the door, and slowly opened it, peaking her head out the door to see who was on the other side.
"Wait… This is Team RSBR's dorm right?" Came Coco's voice.
"Yeah, Ryker just needed some support on this." Yang chirped as she opened the door wide enough for Coco and Velvet to sneak through, the door clicking shut right as Coco and Velvet finally laid eyes on me.
Velvet's mouth dropped open, a small blush painting her face while Coco simply stared, her expression almost completely stonefaced due to her shades keeping me from seeing her eyes. Coco walked up to me, leaning over me as she tilted her shades down allowing me to see her chocolate-coloured eyes, flakes of gold peering through a vast ocean of the deepest brown I had ever seen. Her eyes almost looked completely black.
"Your makeup isn't half bad, and the top is cute, but you really need to get a bra and stuff it if you wanna pass," Coco said simply.
I balked at the comment, a strangled noise escaping me as Coco fixed her shades and took a step back. "So is it still Ryker? I know you said it was on the phone, but that was before I knew… This." She finished gesturing to me.
She must have noticed my confusion since I had yet to even bring up what I was feeling and smirked. "Honey, I smelled your egg ass from a mile away. I just didn't think you would figure it out in your first year."
"We met only once and had a five-minute conversation?" I sputtered in disbelief.
Coco chuckled at my indignation. "Honey, when you are a professional full-time dyke like me, you can always spot the eggs just by how they walk and talk." She purred getting another choked sound out of me and a small growl out of Ruby.
Coco's head only barely turned towards my team leader for a moment before turning back to me. "But I see you are already claimed. So I will cut to the chase, what do you need help with?"
I swallowed down the butterflies that were threatening to leap out my throat and tried to calm my racing heartbeat. "I need a dress for the dance. I know you are really good with clothes, and I don't have a clue what I'm doing."
"And you thought I would be the best woman for the job?" Coco finished garnering a nod from me.
"Well," Coco started as she brought a hand to her chin and looked me up and down once more. "It's short notice, but I can take you into Vale this weekend and we will get you a new wardrobe."
"But I just wanted a dress?" I squeak in confusion, the toothed grin Coco sported making me shiver.
"Oh sweetheart, a dress is like an hour of my time. You need more than a dress and I owe you more than just an hour of my time." Coco grinned.
"I-I can't afford a new wardrobe!" I say panicking but Coco just waved it off.
"I didn't say you were paying," Coco said before turning on her heel and heading for the door. She had it partway open before she looked back at me with a soft smile. "Be up by nine, this will be an all-day thing." She said and then she was gone with Velvet quickly following suit trying to catch up to her team leader.
"What just happened?" I asked.
"Coco happened," Yang answered.
(Weiss pov)
He's doing it again. My stupid teammate is wearing that stupid shirt again and he was even wearing skinny jeans that sculpted his stupid perfect butt. It's like he wanted to drive me crazy. Like he enjoyed making me have to look anywhere but at him because if I stare too long I feel my body start to react. My legs shaking, my core heating up, my chest was pebbling, and my breathing growing heavier.
I was a lesbian and yet my male teammate had me spending more time under cold showers than I ever had in my life and he was getting worse and worse by the day.
Him and his stupid face, and butt, and thighs, and hips, and his silky hair that had grown to match my own in length, and his stupid eyes that reminded me of violent fog. It was all meant to mess with me, and he was doing it on purpose I know he was!
I snap my textbook shut with a click of my tongue. I couldn't handle this. I worked all day on school and organizing the dance with that blazing-blonde-bimbo that is Ruby's sister and then I got back to the dorm only to be taunted by my Teammate who actively has me questioning my sexuality.
"You ok, Weiss?" Ruby asks softly as I get out of the 'my' bed.
"Fine," I grunt with dismissal.
"I think our favorite Heiress needs another shower, don't you, Weiss?" Blake mocked.
I couldn't contain the indignant growl that escaped my mouth as I grabbed my clothes for the night and fast walked to the bathroom, only to let out another growl of anger as I remembered that our bathroom door was busted because of Ruby's stupid sister. Why she would break our door I don't know, she refused to elaborate, which only served to frustrate me even more.
"I'm taking a shower, anybody comes into the bathroom and they are dead." I hiss as I slam the door shut that no longer closes, the door creaking open an inch as there is nothing for it to latch to.
"Try to keep it down, or don't, I don't think any of us will care." Blake's stupid voice called out.
Hate, hate, hate. I hated Ryker and his stupid attractive body and I hated Blake and her stupid smug attitude. I wanted to make that cat pay, for thinking she was better than me, to put her beneath me show her she's beneath me.
I hurriedly get undressed and step into the shower, the hot water pelting my skin, the familiar burn setting my nerves on fire as I can't hold back the shaky gasp that escapes me when the water stream hits my chest, my already hard nipples lighting up with sensation as the water pelts my face and chest.
I can't stop my hands, they press at my chest, fingers catching my nipples as I give them soft pulls and slight tweaks. "R-Ryker." The name slips from my lips as one hand travels south, my head rolling back as my fingers make contact with my throbbing clit. Like being struck by lightning my entire body jerks as the hand on my breast leaves its purchase and instead braces me against the wall. My hand clenched into a fist as my entire body shivers and hitches at every stroke of my core.
I was so wet, the slick residue of my essence clinging to my hand as I pressed a finger into myself. I groan low as I feel my finger spread me open. I never did this, I never touched myself like this, but the thoughts of my dumb teammates in my head, and their stupid faces, it made me want something inside me, it made me want them inside me.
Rocking my middle finger in and out of me, I suck in a breath as I slowly add in my ring finger, my walls clenching against the stretching sensation. My eyes hooded as the tip of my fingers brushed against something that sent a small shout from my lips. I rest my forehead against the wall as I cover my mouth with my hand as I piston my fingers faster and faster. The sound of my fingers sliding in and out of my pussy makes my already red skin flush with embarrassment as I hear myself slowly start to come undone.
I was building to the final, I was climbing that hill so fast and I knew that once I reached the peak I would inevitably fall. I just needed a little more, just a little more and I would get there. Ryker flashed through my mind again, that time he walked in on me changing, but instead of how it happened the sequence of events changed. He doesn't leave, I don't scream for him to leave. I instead drop the clothes that are in my hand and we rush to each other. His hands grabbed at my hips with such intensity and power that they would leave bruises for days. His mouth and soft lips pressing against mine, I catch his bottom lip with my teeth, he gasps and I take that opportunity to deepen our kiss. My tongue easily dominates his as I push him against the wall.
I don't know how his pants get removed, my mind doesn't bother coming up with that detail, but instead, I climb him and sink down on his cock, filling me to the brim. I don't know how big he is, and I don't think I ever will, but in my head it's massive, it fills me to the point that I would be groaning with the strain it would put on my body.
Some might say that he's the one on top, but in my head, in my fantasy it's me. I'm in charge, he might be inside me but he's only inside me because I allow it. It's a privilege that he would earn by being good, a privilege he would get every now and then. He wasn't fucking me, I was fucking him. He was like a pet, a cute pet whose sole purpose would be to please me. He would never call me Ice Queen mockingly again, he would call me that title with reverence.
I was his queen and him my loyal knight. The entire time I had only been imagining myself with Ryker, but just as I was about to crash over the edge Ruby and Blake entered my mind too. Those two beautiful women pressed against me as Ruby encouraged me and Ryker all while Blake watched our union with rapt attention below us.
It was that thought that had me biting into my hand as my entire body clenched up, my orgasm crashing over me as my fantasies drove me further into ruin. My hand ached as it hitched and pressed as deep into me as it possibly could. I choked out breaths as my body tried to come down from the high.
I rested against the wall, my entire body buzzing with the remnants of euphoria. Soon after though, the guilt came back as I realized that I once again had masturbated to the thoughts of my teammates. My stupid stupid teammates.
My teammates that I was in love with.
(Ryker pov)
I knocked on the door to the office I had never been in before. I was stressing out about the next day and I honestly just needed someone to talk to that wasn't Ruby and Yang. They meant well, and they helped a lot, but I already had their perspectives and I needed someone new to talk to about this. I needed reassurance, I needed advice.
I stand in front of the locked door for a few moments, tapping my knuckles on the door once more. At some point, my hope of the person actually answering dwindled. This was a dumb idea anyway.
"I do believe my office hours are not for another two hours." Professor Goodwitch's voice chimed behind me making me jump in fright. Turning around to see the familiar woman standing in front of me with her arms crossed, her head tilted as she looked at me with suspicion. "I also believe that you should be in therapy right now, Mr. Thorne. Why are you skipping?"
I scratch at my wrist with anxiety but will my mouth to move. "I needed to talk to you about something… You are the only staff member at Beacon I trust."
"You trust me over your therapist?" Professor Goodwitch asked with a quirked eyebrow.
"I trust a lot of people over someone I think is only needling me with questions that Ozpin wants to know," I responded.
"That's a hefty accusation to label a therapist who I believe has been doing this for over twenty years. How do you know I won't do the same then? I am Ozpin's right-hand woman after all." Glynda asked.
"Because you smiled," I spoke, seeing the confusion clear on the woman's face. "When I came back, and we had that meeting and I was mad at Ozpin for not doing more for my team. You were amused at my anger towards him. You didn't smile with your face, but your eyes did. You might be his right hand but you don't approve of everything he does."
"Those are leaps of logic that even astound me, Mr. Thorne." Professor Goodwitch spoke almost mockingly though there was no venom to her voice.
"Are they wrong?" I challenged.
Professor Goowitch stared me down for a moment, her eyes boring into me. "It appears not." She finally spoke. "Why don't we step inside my office for some privacy." She said as I stood aside for her to unlock her office.
With a swipe of her scroll against a scanner next to the door the red light on the scanner turned green, the lock unbolting with a click. Professor Goodwitch pushed into the room, her office was small and dark, dimly lit by a few lamps. She had a dark wooden desk, a couch, a coffee table, as well as a few chairs, there was another door in the back of the room that had me wondering if her office led directly into her own dorm. It made sense, but then where did Ozpin sleep? The man had a giant office at the top of a tower that had no other doors. He must have had a room somewhere else.
"If you are done inspecting my office, why don't we take a seat and talk about what you need to talk about," Glynda spoke softly. "Is this an academic matter or a personal one?"
I hesitated for a moment but something about my hesitation must have tipped her off.
"Personal it is." She said before taking a seat in one of the more softer-looking chairs, the chair facing the couch. She gestured to the couch. "Please, make yourself comfortable."
I slowly move deeper into the room and take a seat on the couch, my wrist raw as I repeatedly scratch at it, the motion soothing me and the pain keeping me focused and in the moment.
"I don't know how to start. This is hard, and you are the fifth person I have told." I say shyly.
"I assume your team knows?" Professor Goodwitch asked.
I shake my head. "No, Ruby and Yang, were the first to find out, they kind of found out by accident. Then I asked Coco about something related to it and she figured it out and Velvet happened to be with her. I haven't told Blake and Weiss… I don't know how to tell Blake and Weiss."
"Ryker," Glynda spoke, her voice soft in a way I had only heard once when I woke up after breaking my ribs in the fight with Cardin. "You can tell me."
I held my breath for a moment, the sound of my heart echoing in my ears as I focused on not spiraling into a panic attack. I came here because she's the only adult at Beacon I trust to not hurt me and to help me figure out what to do. She had always been honest and kind, even when we first met on the airdock all those months ago. Glynda Goodwitch was a good person even if she worked for someone who I felt wasn't.
"I think I'm a girl," I say quietly, my head bowed so I don't have to look her in the eye when I say it.
Panic flooded me when she didn't say anything to me initially. I finally had enough of the silence and looked up only to see Professor Goodwitch looking at me with sad eyes. "Would you like me to not call you Ryker anymore?" She finally asked.
The question had me instantly crying my eyes out. I didn't even see it coming, one second I was looking at my professor with fear, and the next I had buried my head into my hands and just let my body do what it needed. I didn't fight when I felt hands touch my shoulders, Professor Goodwitch pulling me into a hug that felt uncharacteristic of her. I latched onto the kindness with a death grip.
"I'm sorry," I sob as I try to gain control over my emotions.
"You are ok, just let it happen." Professor Goodwitch murmured. "This is not the first time I have had to console a student for something like this and it will not be the last."
I pull away with a shocked laugh looking at my teacher with blurry vision as I try and dry my eyes. "Really?"
Professor Goodwitch smiled. "Really." She confirmed.
She reaches over to the coffee table and grabs the box of tissues handing it to me wordlessly. "So is that a yes on you having a new name or no? What about pronouns?"
"You are taking this way better than I thought." I sniff as I blow my nose and dry the remains of my small crying session.
"Why wouldn't I? You are my student. I care for your well-being and that includes your mental health. If I can do something as simple as respect your name and pronouns then why not?" Professor Goodwitch scoffed.
"I just… I guess people would think I'm faking. That I'm not really a girl, that I'm a pretender." I say shyly.
"Do you hold the opinion that transgender individuals are pretenders?" Glynda asked cautiously.
"No… I-I know a transgender woman and she's a woman. It would be hard to imagine her as anything but a woman. It's just…" I say trailing off.
"You?" She finished.
"How did you know?" I ask.
"Because I had the same fears a long long time ago." Professor Goodwitch said with a small smirk.
"You?" I asked in shock as one of the most beautiful women I had ever met nodded at me.
"I may not be as old as you think, but even thirty years ago it was hard to think what people like you and me feel was nothing more than a sickness. That we were fooling ourselves. Things change when you meet your first trans individual who is living the life they wish to lead without a care of what the world thinks of them. The feelings turn from thoughts of you being ill to you being fake. I thought I would never be able to compare to the woman I had met and thus that meant I was faking." Glynda spoke with a sigh as she took her glasses off and cleaned them out of habit.
"It took me a long time as well as meeting many amazing individuals who are no longer with us today for me to realize that I was always who I was, I just was refusing to live in a way that would make me happy. Whether my refusal was out of stubbornness, fear, concerns for my safety, or just flat-out denial, I don't know but I do know that when I took that leap and said not only to myself but to the world that this was who I was." She said gesturing to herself.
"I had felt not happiness for the first time, happiness is fickle and fleeting, a stranger that you pass on the street now and then. No, what I felt for the first time was contentedness. I felt content, like even when things got bad I would be ok and that the problems were external instead of internal. I still had issues I had to work through, but finally, I was working through them in a mindset and a body and persona that made me feel strong enough to do so." She finished before looking at me with the same sad smile I now knew was empathy. She had been in my shoes before, she knew how I felt, our stories were so similar, and that made her all the more empathetic.
"I haven't thought about a name but I know that now that I know what this feeling is, hearing that name makes my skin crawl. Sometimes it's ok, and other times I want to just run back to my dorm and hide under my bed." I finally say only to receive a warm smile.
"You can't put the proverbial jinn back in the bottle. You will notice things that never bothered you will now bother you because you recognize the feeling for what it is." Glynda spoke with wisdom I hadn't heard from anyone besides my mother.
"How do I tell Blake and Weiss? I trust them, they deserve to know but the thought of telling them is terrifying." I ask.
Professor Goodwitch thought for a moment before she let out a sigh. "Sadly, when you are a part of the LGBTQ+ community. You are forced to come out again and again. However, the more times you come out, the easier it gets."
"So I just have to do it?"
"You don't have to come out to anyone, but if you want to live your life a woman the people who knew you before your transition will either have to be told or you let them figure it out on their own which I do not advise for people you care about," Glynda answered.
"This feels like I'm going to fast. I just figured this out only a little bit ago." It was true, ever since I had woken up I felt like I had been going a hundred miles a minute. I had lost my mom's weapon, made a new one, fought Team CRDL, discovered that I liked wearing girl clothes, discovered I was a girl, and now I was being asked about having a new name and pronouns. It was a lot.
"It can feel that way, but only you really know what you are ready for, don't let anyone else tell you how fast or slow to take this."
"I asked Coco to help me go dress shopping for the dance." The info makes Professor Goodwitch actually laugh.
"Then I look forward to seeing the real you that night, and maybe I will have to ask you for a dance." She spoke warmly. "Have you decided who you will be going with?"
"Um, I don't know. Ruby and Weiss are going together, and Blake might not be going. I could ask the transfer student Cinder Fall, she has asked me out on a date so she would probably go with me." I say rambling, my utter cascade of words making Professor Goodwitch look at me with fondness.
"Normally, when it comes to lesbians it's a coinflip on who is supposed to ask who, but in your case, maybe you should let it be known that you want to go to the dance, and let those who are interested ask you." Professor Goodwitch suggested.
I blushed ducking my head. "Isn't that meant for the girl of the relationship to do?" My voice comes out shakily.
"My dear, you would both be girls in this situation." Professor Goodwitch teased.
"O-Of course. You're right." I say as I stand from my seat on the couch. "Thank you, Professor, this helped a lot."
"Dear, when we are alone like this you may call me Glynda. If you have any more questions don't hesitate to ask and when you figure out your name you let me know. Would you like to have me refer to you with she/her pronouns in class or do you want me to wait till after the dance?" Glynda asked as she got up from her seat on the couch and guided me to her door.
"I will have my name figured out by the dance. You can ask me when you ask me to dance." I suggested with a sly smile. "As for the pronouns, I would like you to wait till the dance. I want to come out on my own terms."
"Smart girl." Glynda praised patting me on the head.
I turned away from Glynda and left with my chest feeling a lot less heavy. Maybe this wouldn't be too hard to figure out. I had Ruby and Yang, I had Coco and Velvet, and now I had Glynda Goodwitch on my side.
I wasn't doing this alone, and that meant the weight on my shoulders was a whole lot lighter than it had been before Beacon.