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Title: An Unexpected Occupational Hazard.

Summary: There are some things you just don't expect to happen when your boyfriend is the Goddammit Batman. That doesn't stop them from happening, though.

Warnings: Baby fic. Not Mpreg or anything like that, though.

Disclaimer: I don't owe The Dark Knight trilogy, Iron Man or any of its characters. Sadly.

OoOoO

Tony was already feeling slightly uneasy as he walked down a large hallway of Wayne Manor, heading for the study.

Come to Gotham tonight had been more or less a spur of the moment thing (which wasn't unusual for him), and so Bruce had no idea he was here. Like many other times, the billionaire had been ready to get comfortable; find a way to entertain himself and enjoy some scotch or maybe a cup of coffee while he waited for Bruce's return.

Hearing that Bruce was in was unexpected, but not exactly shocking. The fact he was in the study rather than the cave was strange, but again, it wasn't a big deal.

None of that was the real cause for Tony's uncertainty. The cause was Alfred Pennyworth and his strange behavior.

The butler had been wearing a dark coat and scarf, holding a couple of gauntlets in his hand when he opened the door, and after greeting him politely inside and telling him where he could find Bruce the old man excused himself saying he needed to go buy some necessities. In the middle of the night. Because that made perfect sense. Of course.

That and the strange twinge in the butler's pale blue eyes were enough to put him on alert.

He stood outside the study for a moment, then pushed the oak door open without knocking and stepped inside.

Bruce was there alright, except it wasn't Bruce exactly. It was half-Batman and half-Bruce, with the armor still on, but the cowl and cape were gone.

That was yet another surprise to add to the list, what with Alfie's rule about keeping suits and any thingies of their extracurricular activities downstairs. Well, that and Bruce was paranoiac enough to believe someone could break into the Manor or some shit like that and find something incriminating.

It was stupid given the security he had, but Bruce was a stubborn bastard when he wanted to be, and Tony had learned long ago to pick his battles.

A soft cooing sound broke the silence in the room and made the billionaire freeze, still a fair distance away from the other man. He blinked one, two, three times, but the sight in front of him didn't change.

You have got to be fucking kidding!

Bruce was standing by the fireplace and there was a baby in his arms- an actual human baby. Bruce, wearing the Batman suit was holding a tiny baby wrapped in dark cloth. There was no fucking way his mind was making this up.

Tony tried very hard not to jump to crazy conclusions and think of any explanation other than some woman coming by to drop the product of a one-night stand with the playboy, but he failed miserably. He had no idea how old the kid was supposed to be, but he was pretty sure Bruce and he had been together longer than she had been alive.

"What the actual fuck!?"

"Shhh," Bruce hissed, turning his head to glare in his direction.

"What?" Tony said defensively. He had every right to react however the hell he wanted, okay? And the kid wasn't even asleep, for fuck's sake! The small blue eyes that blinked curiously in his direction were proof of that.

"Don't swear."

Tony opened his mouth to speak, but after a moment closed it again without making a sound. He pressed his lips together to stop from laughing out loud at the ludicrous situation and instead shot him a speculative look.

"Something you wanna tell me, cupcake?"

"What?" He looked up and away from the baby in his arms.

Tony's eyebrows went up further, arms crossed across his chest.

Bruce's frown dissipated as realization dawned on him. "She's not mine."

"Okay." Tony walked to close the distance still between them, looking at the little intruder. The blue-eyed girl seemed to have lost interest in the newcomer and was back to looking at Bruce. She was holding a corner of the cape in a tiny fist, and as Tony watched, she brought it to her mouth.

"Don't do that," Bruce scolded gently, adjusting his hold on the baby to reach and pry the cloth away. For a second it looked like she was going to cry, but then she just pushed her fingers into her mouth, content to suck them instead.

Tony watched the scene before him with equal parts fascination, horror, and amusement. Well, that and a lingering huge 'what the fuck' feeling too.

"This is Steph," He said looking back at him. "Steph, that's Tony."

If Bruce expected any reacting from her, he must have been disappointed. The girl didn't even look in his direction again.

"So," Tony said in the silence, still eyeing the little girl. "This is why Alfie is out shopping in the middle of the night?"

He sighed. "Yes. I offered to dress up to go myself and leave her in Alfred's care but he refused. He said she was my responsibility."

"And he just let you alone with her?"

Bruce stopped his cape from being chewed on one more time. "After he spent almost one hour teaching me how to hold her correctly and telling me what I should and shouldn't do."

The little girl made a gurgling sound and reached to touch Bruce's face with tiny fingers soaked in saliva. Tony saw a slight wince flicker across Bruce's face and was relieved to see he wasn't the only one who thought that was a little bit gross.

"Ssssh. It's okay, Steph," Bruce reached for the little hand and the girl's fingers curled around one of his fingers. There was a small tug at the corner of his mouth as he looked down at her.

Tony shook his head and cleared his throat. "Okay. And why's she here if she's not yours?"

He moved to sit on the sofa, and after a moment Bruce joined him.

"Her mother was attacked tonight." Tony waited. That was sad, sure, but this was Gotham, for fuck's sake! An attack wasn't enough to justify Batman taking in a child. "She was in the process to enter the Witness Protection program. Her husband has been working closely with Mario Falcone for a few years, but now that Falcone took over his father's business he's an even bigger fish."

The girl, Stephanie, was starting to get fussy. She wasn't crying yet but was making some kind of unhappy sound and funny faces.

"Her bag is over there. Can you get a toy or something to entertain her, please?" Bruce asked him.

Tony hesitated for a second before moving. He rummaged a bit in the purple diaper bag with the little white bunny in the front until he found a simple but colorful rattle.

"Thanks," Bruce murmured as he took the star-shaped toy. The girl started shaking the noisy thing as soon as it was in her tiny hands, and with her properly entertained, Bruce continued speaking.

"Someone leaked the information and now she's at the hospital with cops posted there to protect her after the attack. We don't know who was responsible for the leak yet, and until we do, we can't ensure Stephanie's safety anywhere else. The last thing Gordon wanted was to put her or anyone else at risk in case they made her a target too, so he asked if I could find a safe place for her."

Tony watched him. He was actually surprised Bruce wasn't acting as awkward as one would expect from someone with zero experience dealing with kids. Babies were supposed to be hard, right?

"So, how long are the Bat-sitter duties going to last?"

"A couple of days tops, I think," Bruce replied. "Gordon needs to arrange a safe place for her to stay while her mother recovers, and work around the possible mole in his department. That and attempt to get the paperwork fast tracked. They obviously can't stay here any longer."

"And you're okay with keeping her here until then?"

"It's not like I have a lot of options." Using his Bat-reflex, Bruce caught the falling rattle before it touched the floor and handed it back. "Besides, I'm planning to rope Alfred into taking care of her. I need to be working both in the cave and out in the street."

Tony was one hundred percent sure the butler knew that too, and that was exactly why he had left Bruce to take care of her now.

The rattle had stopped making noise sometime during their conversation, and when Tony looked down he found out why. Apparently, the piece of plastic had been confused with a lollipop or something because the girl was happily sucking or chewing on it.

That was a thing, right? Kids and babies putting everything in their mouths? He was pretty sure he saw that in a movie or something.

"Can you hold her?"

Tony's head snapped up. "What?"

"I asked if you can hold her."

"Why?"

"As comfortable as the suit looks, I need to change," Bruce replied simply.

"And why haven't you changed yet?"

"I was too busy listening to Alfred's instructions to make sure I wasn't going to scre- to mess up."

Tony looked from the kid to Bruce. "Alright, but I'm coming with you. I'm not giving you the chance to escape," He added at Bruce's inquiring look.

"I wouldn't do that." He refuted, lips pursed into a small pout.

The billionaire had to resist the urge to attack the other man's mouth that instant, and only because to do that he would have to lunge forward, crushing the girl in Bruce's arms in the process. They could save the kissing for when she was sleeping or something.

"You're not changing yet." Tony pointed out quickly when it looked like he was about to hand her over.

Bruce rolled his eyes. "Fine. Come on."

Stephanie looked around curiously as they left the study and walked toward the staircase. He hummed softly in response to the babbling sounds she was making.

"I haven't seen Ace," Tony commented offhandedly as they went up the stairs.

The corner of Bruce's lips curled up slightly. "Alfred didn't think it was a good idea to have him around Steph, so he's outside."

The only reply to that was a noncommittal sound.

They headed straight to the master bedroom, and it wasn't until Bruce was standing at the foot of the bed that he looked back at him again.

"Ready?"

Tony eyed the girl warily. Okay. He could do this. He was Tony-fucking-Stark. Of course, he could do this. He just needed to hold the kid for one minute or two and that was it. No big deal. If Bruce could do it so could he.

"I- Okay."

Bruce closed the distance between them and carefully handed her over. "Just hold her like this. Put your hand here and the other- yes, like that." He took a step back.

Tony's fingers touched the slightly stiff dark cloth. "What's with the cape?"

A small smile appeared on Bruce's face as he watched Tony awkwardly holding Steph. "I wrapped her in it when Gordon handed her over to me. Alfred tried to replace it with a blanket, but she started crying and wouldn't stop, so we decided to keep it for now."

"Alright. I'll be right back," Bruce said, satisfied to see they were both okay. "If she starts getting fuzzy just bounce her a little. Up and down. Slowly."

Hands full of baby, Tony arched an eyebrow.

"That's what Alfred told me and it seemed to work."

With that last piece of advice, Bruce walked away, stopping by one of the drawers to pull some clothes before disappearing into the en suite bathroom.

When Tony looked down at the baby in his arms, he panicked internally when he saw small pink lips quivering. "Whoa, no. No crying. No. No no no. I know you like Batsy but he'll be back in a sec, okay? Besides, I'm pretty awesome too." Big blue eyes blinked up at him. "I'm Iron Man, you know. People love me. Kids especially."

The girl lowered her eyes, and Tony understood why only a second later. Thankfully, it was saliva-free fingers that reached forward to touch his face. His goatee, more specifically, and she made a squeaky little sound as her fingers touched the facial hair, tickled by it or something.

"You like that, huh?"

The rattle fall to the floor with a muted thud as she reached to touch his face with both hands now. It was strange to be touched like that, but he was too grateful she wasn't crying to care.

The lack of wails and tears made him relax a little, and after a moment he had started something of a game, puffing his cheeks and letting her lightly slap them to let out the air and making her squeal.

That's how Bruce found them when he stepped out of the bathroom, dressed in a pair of pajama pants and a navy t-shirt.

Tony saw the movement out of the corner of his eye, and when he turned he narrowed his eyes at the cell phone Bruce was holding.

"What are you doing?"

"Recording. I need physical evidence of this. Besides, I owe Pepper one, so I think I will send her the video. I'm sure she'll love it." Bruce lowered the phone. "She may even want to share it with Rhodey or your super friends."

Tony scoffed, rolling his eyes at the threat.

"You're not half-bad at this, Mr. Stark," Bruce commented as he walked closer, cell phone tucked away.

"Do you know who I am, darling? I'm great at anything I do, of course."

"And so modest,"

"Modesty is for the weak." Tony dismissed. His attention was pulled back to the baby by a light slap on his cheek as Stephanie resented the lack of attention.

"Hey! There's no need to resort to violence, young lady."

Bruce lifted the forgotten rattle from the floor but didn't hand it back. He tossed it to the bed instead.

Tony watched him expectantly.

"What?"

"You said to hold her while you changed and you already did," Tony said with a pointed look.

Bruce took Steph back without another word. The girl didn't act particularly happy about being back in his arms, but she didn't cry at being pulled out of Tony's either, so he supposed that was fair.

"You're not half-bad yourself, you know," Tony commented, watching him.

Bruce snorted, the sound making the girl look at him. He smiled down at her before speaking. "Maybe. But I needed a lot of coaching from Alfred to stop from freaking out."

"Damn! I knew I should have been here sooner."

He was about to suggest they go back downstairs when a faint odor made him scrunch up his nose. "What the hell is-" Tony trailed off, lips curling into a grin. "Oh. Oh! I hope how to change a smelly diaper was covered in Alfie's 'Babysitting 101' course too, Brucie-bear."

Bruce glared in his direction, but the expression of horror and panic that flashed across his face before that was more than enough to make Tony burst out laughing.

Best date night ever!

OoOoO

a/n: Surprisingly enough, this ended up being a lot less awkward and funny than I originally planned. So, I'm sorry? I hope the cuteness and fluff made up for the lack of funny shenanigans. ;)

Lastly, this is unbetaed and I'm not a native speaker, so please feel free to point out any mistake you may find.