Hurt feelings goes well with coffee and tea
Holly was sipping on a cup of scalding hot tea when Lucy entered the café ten minutes later. The washed-out t-shirt that had served as a nightshift gown was replaced with the standard uniform of shirt, skirt, and leggins. Judging by the how her hair hung damp the girl had also managed to shower during short period of time. A feat that most likely had something to with her sharing the bathroom with her neighbours rather than not wanting to let Holly wait. All in all, she gave a cleaned-up and neat impression. The opposite of what her appearance had been back at the appartment.
After placing her order, Lucy zig-zagged her way over to where Holly was sitting at the far end corner of the room. She had chosen the table for its distance to other customers. This could get messy.
Lucy sat down and an uncomfortable silence spread across the table. Why hadn't she thought of what she was going to say once she had Lucy's attention?
Fortunately, she was saved from what could have been a very awkward situation by the waitress coming over with Lucy's order. A stack of freshly baked scones with all the necessities and a steaming pot of … coffee?
Holly tilted her head. Bad day or was this a new habit?
Lucy didn't seem to notice her confusion as she poured the cup to the brim and brought it to her lips. Black. Like her nail polish. Or as the prospects of reaching adulthood as a freelancer. Holly couldn't help but to wonder if Lucy missed her old life as a member of a team. It didn't seem so as the girl dug in on her stack of scones instead of asking what Holly was doing there.
While Lucy ate, Holly occupied herself with searching for clue about the girl's new life in her appearance. The hair was longer with too many split ends to have been cut reasonly. A sign of being too busy or not being busy enough to afford luxury of a haircut? The nail polish was impecable, though. Nails cut short. A though exterior to hide the insecurities inside, or a warning to back off?
If the later, it had never worked on Holly. Quite the opposite actually. How many night hadn't she dreamt of those nails digging into her skin as she gave Lucy pleasure? Pointless of course as the dream would never come true.
Holly took a large sip of the tea to burn away the memories. This was neither the right time or the place for such longings. Lucy would never be hers and if Holly wasn't careful, the girl would never be Lockwood's either. And if he didn't get her, an enjoyable stay at Portland Row would be nothing but a dream as well.
It wasn't until Lucy had worked herself halfway through the scones and the coffee pot that the silence was finally broken.
"So," Lucy said slowly, nibbling on a scone. "What was it about Lockwood that you wanted to talk about?"
It was amazing what a mere mention of a name could to. Not only had Holly managed to drag Lucy out of bed and have her clean up into decency, she had also turned the girl into a wreck. A well concealed wreck she might add. For anyone who hadn't spent last autumn to memorize the meaning of each geature the girl made, Lucy came across as poised and calm. To Holly however she came across as anxious, on the werge of a breakdown.
It was cruel to leave her hangning. Especially since she had dragged herself down here so quickly.
"He's alive," Holly said. "George too, in case you were wondering."
Lucy wasn't, which showed on her cheeks. Holly wondered what Lucy would say if she knew about the transformation George had done during the last couple of months. Would she be worried? Holly was. If Lockwood had noticed, which he must be blind to not have noticed, he didn't say anything about it.
He didn't say much about anything these days, too preoccupied with his own personal vendetta against the world. Only whenever he thought Holly was doing something wrong.
"It's just…" How was she going to put this. "Portland Row isn't the same as it used to be."
Lucy arched an eyebrow.
"The new agent doesn't leave any clothes in the attic for you to fold?"
Auch. Holly guessed she deserved that. Tidying up in someone's room without their consent may be a little bit trespassing the personal sphere, but the place had been a mess and Holly had only wanted help out. Who wanted to live in a pig's pen?
Lucy apparently.
"We haven't hired a new agent."
Lucy's other eyebrow arched.
"Oh, I just thoughts… but it's been months."
Say that again.
Holly shrugged her shoulders. "Turns out you're not that easy to replace. Listeners are rare. And we are hardly in a position where we can afford to train someone new, now are we?"
"So you've tried?"
The hurt in Lucy's voice didn't go undetected. Holly felt the anger from before awake. If only Lucy knew what a sensitive subject she had become on Portland Row. It was like she held them in a Ghost Lock.
"Well, can you blame us? You left us when we needed you the most. The Aickemere case was a huge success for Lockwood and Co. Our books are full."
Lucy winced. If it was the coffee or becasue Holly said was hard to tell but her voice was cold when she spoke.
"So it's my Talent you're missing, not me?"
"Of course we miss you. You left a pretty big hole for us to fill when you left. It hasn't been easy to manage things without you. Lockwood and Co would never have reached this kind of success if hadn't been for you. You helped turning the company into what it is today."
"Again," said Lucy and raised the cup to her lips. "My Talent, not me."
Holly winced and brought her own cup to the lips. She remembered Lockwood saying something about Lucy twisting his words when he told George and her about the fallout he had with Lucy before she left.
Oh crap, that hade been at a café too…
Once the cups were once again on the table, Holly decided it was best to stop beating around the bush and go straight for the kill.
"Lockwood is taking risks."
"Lockwood is always taking risks."
"Yes, but not like this. This is different. This is…"
"Reckless?"
"Yes." Holly realised what a poor description that was, especially to Lucy who had tagged along with Lockwood's madness a lot longer than Holly had.
"And no. I mean, he has always flirted with death but now he's dancing with her, if you know what I mean?"
Lucy's face told her that she didn't.
"We had this case a while back. George and I were running late so Lockwood decided to begin without us. He dived right into a cluster of Screamers and fought them off single-handedly with nothing but his rapier to defend himself with. He got out in one piece for sure but with a cut on the side of his neck so deep it took two days for it to stop bleeding. Had it been any deeper he would no longer be with us. But he doesn't care!"
"Let me guess, he won't listen?"
Holly nodded. Relieved that Lucy understood.
"Yeah, that's Lockwood," continued Lucy. "Dangling from a cliff one second, laughing in death's face the next. There's not much you can do about it so just let it be."
Was that why Lucy had left them? Because she gave up on Lockwood? No, it couln't be… could it?
"But you got through to him, Lucy," said Holly, holding onto the last bit of hope. "He wasn't like this when you were still around. He listened to you. I've been trying to get through to him but I just can't. I never know what he is thinking, unlike you."
Maybe Lucy wanted to come off like this cold and hardened freelancer but underneath the chilly exterior was a beating heart and Holly was sure it fluttered at those words.
"Please, Lucy. Come back to Portland Row. We can work something out the two of us. I promise I will stay out of your room."
Lucy shook her head.
"First of all, no matter what you think, I didn't leave because of you. I left because I put you guys in danger and I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you. Secondly, Lockwood only listens to himself so me coming back will change nothing. And lastly, don't ever come to find me again."
Holly watch the other girl put money on the table next to the coffee cup and start rising from the chair. With her left all hope of saving Holly's employment at Lockwood and Co.
"That's were you wrong," she heard her say out loud. In fact, she said it so loud the other glanced their way. Lucy blinked and flopped down on the chair again.
"Excuse me?"
Holly took a deep breath to steady her voice.
"You're wrong about Lockwood never listening to anyone but himself. He listens to you. He tells you things that he would never tell me or George. Think about it," she added when Lucy opened her mouth to make a protest. "George lived with him for a year without being let in to Jessica's room. Then you tagged along and Lockwood suddenly you're both invited. It wasn't for George's sake. It was for yours."
In her head, this was the moment where Lucy finally saw sense and admitted her love for Lockwood. They would hurry back to the apartment and after a few drinks, lots of girlsh giggling and even more tried on outsits, all pink and glittering, they would return to Portland Row as best friends. Unfortunately, this was reality and Holly suspected that Lucy didn't even own a glittering dress, let alone a pink one.
"As I recall," said Lucy. "He took you there after just a few weeks."
"Because you had already unlocked the door!" Oh, my god, this was what it was all about! "I'm not your rival, Lucy! If anything I'm Lockwood's rival. I like girls!"
She didn't realise until the other guests turned to give her curious looks that she had shouted the last part. Lucy stared at her like she was a maniac.
Maybe she was. After the last four month even an asylum seemed appealing at times.
In a hushed tone she added: "I'm gay."
It took Lucy a good thirty seconds to comprehend what Holly had said. Her spontaneous reply to it all was: "Huh?"
"I'm gay."
"Yes, that usually what it means when a girl says she likes girls. So you and Lockwood never were…?" She couldn't bring herself to say it out loud. She didn't have to for Holly to understand.
"Just friends. Did you think we were …?"
Lucy was reluctant to answer that. "The two of you seemed close. He talked about no one else," was all she said.
Holly made a face. "If it's any comfort he spoke only of you when ever I was around. How kind and considering I would find you to be once we got to know each other. That I should be patient with your quirks, they are a part of your Talent. I think he used the term rare. "
A blush made it to Lucy's cheeks and Holly gave her a moment to process it all. She needed a moment herself too. Looking back it was so obvious he was trying to make them friends.
"Why did you leave us, Lucy?"
Maybe it was the distance only time could put between the person and the hurtful event, maybe it was the budding friendship emergin in the wake of a confession. Whatever it was it made Lucy open up.
"Remember the Fetch?" she asked and Holly nodded.
"You couldn't see it clearly because of the darkness."
"I lied."
Of course. A part of Holly had probably always suspected as much for she wasn't the least ibt surprised. She just wasn't aware of it that she suspected it.
"Who did you see?" Lucy didn't have to answer for Holly to know. Why hadn't she worked this out before?
"Lockwood."
Holly opened her mouth but closed it again without saying anything.
"You need to understand", pleaded Lucy from across table. "I hit my head on the way down. I lost conciousness for a while. I had no idea where I was when I woke up or how to get out of there. The last thing I remembered was the poltergeist hurling Lockwood away. I never saw him land. And then …"
Her voice failed her so she had to start anew.
"And then he stood there in front of me. His ghost."
Lucy's face changed. Turned ghostly white with a haunted look in the eyes. It was obvious that the memory still kept her awake at night. The wounds freash even though she new the real Lockwood was alive and kicking – litterly.
"He was so real," she whispered. Tears glistening behind the eye-lashes. "I really thought he was dead for a time there. He came to say goodbye and that he didn't blame me."
"Blame you?"
Lucy nodded and a couple of teardrops spilled down her cheeks. "For having caused his death."
Holly gasped. It was one thing to see one's love dead, another thing completely to have caused it.
"But it wasn't your fault, the poltergeist…"
"… fed off my anger. My pain," spat Lucy. "I shouldn't have gone with you that night. I should've stayed home where I wasn't a liability."
"You're not a liability."
"But I am. Ghosts are drawn to me. Don't deny it! You saw it with your own eyes at Aickemere's. They are drawn to me like moths to a camping light."
Holly closed her mouth around the things she wanted to say. Perhaps Lucy needed to get whatever this was out of her system to start seeing sense.
"I can't be around people I like. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to them. That's why I left. To protect you guys."
Holly took a moment to think things through before she came up with an answer.
"That's bullshit", she concluded, suddenly feeling the anger from before awakening. "You left because you were proud to confide in us. To let us help you. What did we do to make you think so little of us? Do you know how much it hurt the boys to learn that you didn't even bother to say goodbye? Just picked up your things and left. No note, no, phone number, no nothing. They were devastated!"
"It was better that way…"
"For whom – you or the boys? Lockwood has been twisting himself into a knot trying to make you happy but all you do is to twist him even further. No wonder he snapped at you!" God, where was this anger coming from? This was so not helping her case. "Do you know what you are, Lucy? A princess, a spoiled princess who whines everytime she doesn't get things exactly the way she wants it."
Okay, that was a low blow. And now came the comeback…
"I'm spoiled? What about you little miss whole-grain? You came in and changed everything. We were doing just fine before you came along. Sure the house was messy. We worked ourself to exhaustion but we were happy. But you couldn't accept that, could you? You had to change everything to suit you. The house, the food, the company, Lockwood…"
Lucy quieted as if she realised she had said too much. Perhaps she had to.
Holly hadn't thought about it that way. All this time she had ever only done what was needed for things to run smoothly at the agency. That's what she was hired for after all. She had never realised that by doing so she had changed the agency in its core. Changed the dynamic in the house.
Lockwood and George were fine with it since they had been there from the start. But Lucy had come in later, when the changes were already in the making. She had never had a say in it. Only been told – by Lockwood – to accept it. With every change and lecture they had slowly pushed her into a corner until she had no other option but to jump to save herself.
The Wintergarden case had been a turning point for the worse. Lockwood had set himself up for disaster by limiting Lucy of using her Talent. He would never have accepted anything similar if the roles had been reversed and Holly was ashamed that she had supported the decision. She had thought it was in Lucy's best interest, to protect her from herself. But really, all it did was to shatter a already damaged trust.
She could complain all she wanted about Lucy not confiding in them, but when it all came down to, had they given her any reason to do so?
"I'm sorry," said Holly after what must have been a long silence. "For everything."
Lucy looked up from the coffee cup to meet her gaze.
"I'm sorry too."
Holly reached for the hand Lucy had resting on the table but Lucy pulled back. Wincing apologetically. Not yet, someday maybe, but not yet.
"So, will you come back to the agency?" Holly didn't actually think Lucy was going to say yes but she had tro try anyway.
Lucy replied with a glare before turning the attention back to the coffee, which had gone cold by now.
"I haven't told you all of it. About the Fetch, I mean."
Was there more?
Lucy nodded as if she had heard Holly's thought. Then she sighed.
"Once I realised it wasn't actually Lockwood, just a Fetch, I relieved of course. Angry too. Mostly at myself for not realising it sooner. I confronted it and it lashed out at me. Telling me it didn't showed the past, but the future. That I would one day be responsible for Lockwood's death." She looked up and met Holly's stunned face. "That's why I left. I figured that if I wasn't around Lockwood, I couldn't cause his death, right?"
Holly nodded at first but then started to shake it instead. For any other couple that just might have done it but not for Lucy and Lockwood.
"No, it's by staying away you're causing his death. You keep him alive, Lucy. You're his oxygen. Staying away is the last thing you should do."
And maybe, just maybe, Lucy was starting to realise it too. Which only left question to ask.
"If Lockwood asks you to come back, will you do that?