Splatoon: The Brothers and the Others
Ari's Guide to Flirting
In a dimly lit room in a lavish apartment, there stood a crimson velvet chair. The chair, for whatever reason, was a swivel chair, patches of velvet added just to make it look somewhat authentic. The chair pivoted, revealing Ari, a toothy grin plastered on his face, carrying a rose in his teeth seductively as he leaned on the chair like a couch, his Jungle Cap strewn across the top of the chair.
"Wai, hullo der-" Ari took a moment to spit the rose out of his mouth, thorns and all, combing his tentacles back, smoothing them out. A single thorn stuck out of his mouth despite ridding himself of the flower. "Hello there, I didn't see you there."
The "person" in question he was addressing was a mounted camera of sorts, the red light on top of the camera blinking steadily. His cousin and female squad members, Sari, Rit, and Bas all stood behind the camera, the Inkling that appeared to be Bas operating it while Rit held up a boom microphone, steadily holding it above Ari's head. Sari sat in a chair labeled, "Best Cousin", watching the other three with a supportive grin.
"I'm sure you're all dying to know why you're here." Ari smiled at the camera. "Well, first, I'd like to ask you a question; are you having trouble trying to find your one and only? Trying hard to stave off your loneliness? Never fret, for the Great Ari is here to solve all your problems! I have in mind a step by step walkthrough as to get the woman- Or man, ladies, of your dreams!"
"Ari? Where the shell is my camera?!" A voice roared from across the room.
Ari pouted. "Father, silence! I'm trying to give pointers on how to pick up chicks in order to rid myself of my crippling depression!"
The voice went silent. "...Wow."
Ari smirked. "Impressed?"
"No, but the teenage stupidity is freakin' hilarious." He responded. "Since when have you been in a relationship that's lasted more than a minute, squirt?"
"Ares, begone! How would you know what love feels like?!" Ari growled, his female squad members standing to the side somewhat uncomfortably.
"You're living proof." Ares chuckled. "Bring my camera back when you're done, or else."
Ari huffed, shaking his fist in the air. "I'll show him! This flirting tutorial is going to be top notch, Turf War players from around the globe will benefit from it! We'll be rich, famous, and-"
"Hey, boss?" Bas raised her hand from behind the camera.
Ari spun around to face to camera, breathing heavily.
"Should we cut the bit where you argue with Ares?" Bas asked, keeping one of her tentacles on the camera to hold it steady.
Ari stared back at the camera with a blank face. He frowned at the camera, . "Delete it. Please."
"Alright." Bas nodded, reaching for the camera.
Ari rose from his chair, taking his Jungle Hat off, wearing it with a flourish of sorts. "But be sure only to delete the one bit-"
*blip*
About an hour later of Ari based tantrums later, they had managed to re-record the footage without Ari's father "stealing the show" with his ten second long cameo. Now Ari stood proudly on the second floor of Inkopolis Plaza, the entire crew filming him with the same technology they used at home, Bas positioning the camera so that it would face Ari, the Inkopolis Tower behind him, Rit ever handy with the boom microphone, Sari still sitting in her director's chair by the window of the Squid Sisters' studio, the studio apparently empty for the day, a melting snowman and crumbling sandcastle inside.
"Alright Sari, just shout action through the megaphone, and we'll get started." Ari declared.
Sari looked down at her lap, where a traffic cone was placed. The four heard the ever beautiful sound of motor vehicles colliding, screeches and smashes sounding out through the plaza. Judd simply rolled over to silence the crashing noises; the Great Zapfish suspended on its tower was currently averting its eyes.
"How do you crash into the twentieth-floor of a skyscraper?!" A feminine voice could be heard shouting.
"Marie, c'mon, how was I supposed to know it was there?!" Another distinct feminine voice whined.
Sari turned in the direction of the noise, but was stopped by Ari, who held her head in place.
"Ah ha ha...don't worry about that, I'm sure not too much was destroyed…" Ari said with a grin, though the bullets of sweat betrayed him.
Sari could only smile despite the sounds of car alarms and sirens going off in the background, as well as threats of legal action.
"R-Right. Should I say, 'action' then…?" Sari asked.
"Nah, the microphone's picking up too much interference. No one's gonna watch something with sirens and horns constantly breaking up the action, you know?" Rit said, tapping the boom microphone.
"Hmm, you're right." Ari muttered.
"Well then, what's the plan now, Ari?" Sari asked.
Ari smirked, flaunting his Jungle Hat, which somehow majestically billowed in the nonexistent wind. "Ha! This is but a minor setback on our way to glory!"
"So...what now?" Bas asked curiously.
Ari rubbed his chin. "We'd need to relocate to somewhere, preferably with less noise…"
The orange Inkling continued rubbing his chin, looking around Inkopolis from his short little platform. Glancing from the cityscape to the sky, his eyes eventually came across a set of hills in the distance, spying a particularly homely-looking wooden house.
"Perfect! We set our sights for my rivals' abode! I'm sure it'll take minimal convincing for the two of them to assist us in our cause." Ari declared proudly.
Meanwhile, the brothers were at home, lounging on their beds. Maria didn't seem to be inside, the inanimate objects sitting...inanimately. All in all, they were perfectly content relaxing the day away, Splin's eyes closed, the young brother sighing.
"Hey Splin, do you think zeppelins are a good investment?" Sharq asked curiously, turning to his brother.
"Wait, what?" Splin opened his eyes and stared at Sharq, an eyebrow cocked.
A knocking came from across the house. Sharq leaned up, hopped off his bed, and stretched his arms in the air, before going across the house to open the door. Ari stood outside on a small platform seemingly just built for the sole purpose of having him stand atop it majestically, the orange Inkling's hat blowing in the wind with his small tentacles flapping behind him. Bas had an eye squinted, staring directly through the camera lens, making sure to get his "good side". Rit, ever dutiful, raised the boom microphone high, and Sari, who at this point was sort of tired of taking this sitting down, had discarded her director's chair and was standing at the side, looking indisposed.
"Aha! Here we have one of my personal rivals of mine, Sharq Bate. Sharq may not have any romance expertise whatsoever, but that's fine! I'll be sure to tutor him- As well as you watching, the very basics of this skill. Isn't that right?" Ari announced, his female squad cheering behind him.
"..." Sharq stood in the doorway with a blank smile on his face, obviously unaware as to whatever was happening.
Ari laughed. "Never fret dear rival, your love troubles are a thing of the past!"
Ari went on babbling on whatever, while Sharq turned around, staring at Splin with a blank expression. "Uh...Ari's here."
Splin blinked. "Ah. What's he want?"
Sharq pouted. "How do you know he wants anything, Splin? He could just be visiting."
Splin and Sharq stood still for a moment. All of a sudden, Splin started snickering, Sharq stifling laughter as well. After a minute, they stopped, cleared their throats, and sighed.
"Ah, so what're we gonna do?" Sharq asked, leaning on the wall.
Splin stood up, also leaving the comforts of the top of his bed. "I'm not at all prepared for what might happen Sharq, and I know for a fact that you aren't either."
Sharq agreed wholeheartedly, nodding his head rapidly.
"However, if we don't go out there right now and oblige him, he's not going to leave, is he?" Splin said, adjusting his headphones on his head.
"Nope!" Sharq said with a straight face.
Splin sighed, staring over at the door. Ari was still yammering about romance advice towards the camera, his squadron soaking it in like sponges.
"...I suppose Ari's mostly harmless…" Splin muttered. "Alright, brace yourself for whatever he's about to say, Sharq."
Sharq grinned, nodding with a joy that practically oozed ignorance. Splin rolled his eyes, albeit smiling, and walked out the door.
Splin cleared his throat. "Alright Ari, what do you-"
"Ah, just the virgin I was looking for!" Ari greeted Splin.
Splin froze, staring over at the older Inkling who was posing heroically, commenting on his lack of romance expertise. The young brother took a step back, attempting to close the door behind him. Ari began walking into the house regardless, grinning. Splin shifted into a squid, slamming the door on Ari, staring back at Sharq. Splin shook his head swiftly, whereas Sharq was nodding happily.
"I know what I said, but I'm not doing it." Splin said, pointing towards Sharq.
Before Sharq could reply, Ari opened the door, Splin getting shoved to the side with a yelp.
"Fret no more rivals! Your much more experienced and handsome rival, Ari Jabin, is here to teach you how to get the woman of your wildest dreams!" Ari smiled.
Sari took the traffic cone from earlier from behind her and blew in it like a celebratory horn.
"No thanks, I'm good." Splin said, backing away.
"What are you afraid of?" Ari poked Splin, the camera pivoting towards Splin. "I'm sure with courage and perseverance, even a scrawny squid like you-"
Splin began blushing. "Hey! Ari, who are you to come into our house, call me scrawny and inexperienced, then go about trying to give me advice on the matters of the heart?!"
"...Ari Jabin of course. I thought I made that perfectly clear the moment I strode in." Ari replied with a chuckle.
Splin rolled his eyes, pushing his headphones off his head, onto his neck. "I'm leaving before this escalates further."
Sharq watched his younger brother leave through the door, the camera panning to watch him go. Sharq stared back at Ari.
"So Ari, what's the documentary about?" Sharq asked.
"It's supposed to be about me helping you about said love issues." Ari sighed.
Sharq shrugged. "Well, we don't have any love problems. Sorry!"
"What?! Don't you feel regret or lonely every so often? To the point where we could film a whole episode on it…?" Ari asked, leaning on the side of the wall.
"Nah!" Sharq grinned. "As long as I have Splin, I'm fine! Thanks though!"
Sharq waved goodbye to the other Inklings, then ran out of the house, hoping to catch up with his brother, leaving the others in silence.
"Did he just leave us in his home?" Rit asked.
Ari scowled. "Their brotherly love is just sickening. How am I supposed to make this interesting without a source of conflict?!"
"Maybe you could try flirting with someone, maybe." Rit filled in.
Bas nodded agreeingly. "Yeah! You know, we won't like record it and throw you off, maybe you could give pointers or something, then go ask people out! It doesn't have to be in that order, but you know."
Ari tapped his chin, looking to the side. All of a sudden, he clapped his hands with a grin.
Ari gave them a thumbs-up. "Sounds like a plan! (And I have just the rose in mind to practice on.)"
While Ari was thinking to himself, a certain neon-green colored Inkling rose up behind him, her face concealed by the shade of her Golf Visor. Two bright glints for eyes shone off her face, Maria grasping a frying pan rather dangerously. Instead of smashing it on Ari's head, she smacked the side of the house, giving off a loud "clang" noise.
"Yipe!" Ari yelped.
He and the others scrambled out of the house, taking off with a sprinting speed that would put hedgehogs to shame. Maria's face lit up, a smile now on her face.
"There we are. Be sure to ask permission to stay next time!" Maria called after them.
The four Inklings were back in Inkopolis Plaza, Ari wearing a tuxedo suit in place of his Varsity Jacket, smoothing down his orange tentacles, Sari now wearing his Jungle Hat for him.
"Faithful viewers, your very own Ari Jabin, sad as it is, must leave you for the time being, as I must properly immerse myself in the wonders of flirting. I know I haven't really gone in depth on romance whatsoever, but as soon as I return, I shall lead the charge in the romance world! Wish me luck." Ari spoke to the camera, signaling for Bas to stop filming.
The camera shut off with a click. Bas peeked out from the side, giving Ari a thumbs-up.
Sari smiled sadly. "Godspeed Ari."
Ari nodded. "I love you, dear cousin. I will come back with the knowledge needed to continue this documentary in time so that none of us have to feel the wrath of father!"
"Ah geez, I can already imagine the punishments he might have in mind…" Sari shuddered, rubbing her arm.
Ares sat in his apartment's couch, staring longingly at a family portrait. His wife, Zuchi, as well as Ari stood by him, all of them looking considerably younger. Ares sighed, planting his face down in the couch, letting his tentacles droop off of the cushions.
"I will be back!" Ari shouted, running towards Inkopolis Tower.
His female squadron watched him go; Ari turned into an orange squid, and hopped to the manhole cover to his right, sliding off to Octo Valley. Unbeknownst of the contents of the valley below, his crew just stared at the manhole as it rattled in place.
"...Whuh?" Rit muttered, scratching her head. "No, seriously, what the heck was that?"
"That was such a letdown." Bas sighed. "I thought he was like, going to meet someone in a Turf War match or something then bring her here."
Sari could only nod, the three staring back at the manhole. Finding nothing better to do, they sat down in the plaza, setting aside their equipment, looking at the manhole as it spun, eventually settling down into place.
As he slid through the manhole pipe, Ari briefly wondered what the point of doing this was. He already knew there was going to be some tension between he and the Octoling. Alas, the fevered mind of an Inkling teenager...or at least the fevered mind of Ari, (also partial in credit to yours truly) dictated that backing out on this documentary would thin out the respect Ari's squad members had for him. So, for better or for worse, Ari knew that he had to do this, as pointless as it was.
"Why is my conscious so condescending today?" Ari briefly wondered aloud.
Because you're not trying hard enough to win the hearts of an octopus.
"...That seems reasonable." Ari decided, with a hint of indecision on his face.
The first sight Ari was greeted by as he left the pipe and landed out on the other side in Octo Valley wasn't a ravishing Octoling but rather a crusty looking old Inkling.
"Gyah!" Ari gasped, scrambling backwards.
"Ah. Agent C, how've you been lad? You certainly seem...dressed." Cap'n Cuttlefish greeted Ari from his blue couch, staring at Ari's odd choice in adventure apparrel.
"It's a long story elder, but it's a matter of...security. I'm uh, off to keep the Octolings from ravaging the country!" Ari fibbed, Cap'n tilting his head.
"Bucko, the Octarians haven't made an aggressive move in months now. Who told y-"
"No time to explain, have to run! The security of Inkopolis demands it!" Ari yelled, running off towards the Octarian kettles.
Cap'n Cuttlefish watched him run, the orange Inkling searching through each and every kettle, poking his head in one and returning with violet stains on his suit and face. The elderly Inkling captain could only shake his head, lounging on his couch as Ari continually visited the wrong kettle.
Tai stared at the Skell with a bored expression. At this point, the ginormous robot that was primarily used for "defense" purposes was chained up with rows upon rows of chain links, the robot flashing a ":(" face repeatedly. Tai sat by on a railing, Chi sitting next to her, both Octoling soldiers watching as Octoling scientists panickedly hammered down the robot with wrenches each time it made a move to do anything whatsoever. At one point, a scientist was smacked away, slamming into a row of Octotroopers, all of the octopi groaning from the impact.
"You know, I never did get why it's called a 'Skell'." Tai commented.
Chi turned to Tai. "Because it has layers. You know, exoSKELeton, endoSKELeton?"
"Do we even have skeletons though?" Tai commented again, staring at the sky lazily.
Chi deadpanned. "How much sleep did you get last night?"
"Eighty-five. I'm planning on catching some more tomorrow." Tai replied, slouching back.
"Okay, as sleepy as you get, I'm pretty sure that you don't sound drunk when you're tired." Chi said, turning to the other Octoling, an Octoling in the background getting vaporized by a Skell weapon.
"What're you going to do? Turn me in to Aussie?" Tai smirked.
Chi shrugged. "Just saying, get more sleep. And don't drink. You never know when war could break out."
Tai rolled her eyes. The two watched the maniacal robot squish more octopi.
"We should really do something." Chi said, unholstering her Octoshot gun from her belt.
Tai sighed. "Yeah, fine."
The two Octolings ran towards the chained mech, which was beginning to unfasten itself from its bonds. They began to take aim, then were knocked into the robot by Ari himself.
"Tai! I just wanted to- Oops." Ari gasped, tripping, knocking himself and the two Octolings into the robot.
"ARI?!" Tai shouted.
"Who?!" Chi gasped.
The three barreled into the bottom of the heap of chains, landing on a cartoonishly large lock. The lock instantly disintegrated into dust because reasons, each and every single chain exploding off of the robot in a glorious display of writing stupidity. The Skell rejoiced in its freedom, then took off, carelessly flying in the hangar, before it began tearing through the Octarian HQ. Tai, Chi, and Ari watched from the floor as the mech tore through the headquarters.
"Eh, that's not so bad." Tai shrugged. "However, you on the other hand…"
"Sorry, sorry! I just wanted to apologize, ask for a second chance-"
"We've already been over that. Look, just- Drop it, alright? You haven't done much to ink me off, so just...drop it." Tai told the Inkling. "Otherwise I'm gonna be forced to put you in 'her room'."
"Who's room?" Ari asked.
"We used to have this really tall, really...big woman who had an empty room we used to use." Chi explained. "Also, who are you?"
"The same guy I told you about." Tai briefly explained.
"The name's Jabin. Ari Jabin." Ari told her, which Chi nodded at.
"Alright, well, Jabin, you've just released the harbinger of death and destruction onto our base. Gotta be honest, you suck at first impressions." Chi said with a groan. "...Though your fashion skills aren't too bad."
"Thanks." Ari gulped, staring ahead.
"Huh, that Skell is really doing some damage." Tai muttered
As she said that, they watched the Skell wreak havoc. It was surprisingly easy to keep track of the mech, as wherever it went it left behind a trail of destruction and holes in the HQ. One of its tentacles scraped by a hallway, almost beheading an Octoling.
"Wha?! WHO THE SHELL LET OUT THE SKELL?!" Aussie shouted.
"Careful there Auss, you might strain your vocal chords shouting like that!" Tai shouted back.
Aussie had in mind a few choice words for Tai there, but was cut off by the robot coming back for round two. Aussie dropped to the ground as Splat Bombs of sorts with an opaque glass clouding the contents. As its tentacles scraped by the hallway again, a bomb flew into a room, where it exploded in a fiery eruption. Tai's eyes twitched, the tone of the situation switching to something very sinister.
Ari stared up at Tai, who was currently on top of their pile of cephalopod stumble-related accidents. "Uh…"
"My room." Tai grit her teeth.
Aussie's eyes nearly popped out of her head. The Skell stopped in realization of what it had done.
"...RETREAT NECESSARY FOR GUARANTEE OF SURVIVAL. Pls don't hurt me. ;(" The Skell said, flying out of the HQ up into Octo Valley.
Ari gulped, looking up to meet Tai's eyes with his own. This proved to be a mistake, as Tai's eyes were nothing but glints.
"The Skell. Blew up. My room." Tai stated. "Whose fault was it that it got unchained again?"
Chi blinked, looking over at Ari with a sad expression on her face. "I hardly even knew you…"
Ari couldn't find the time to scream before he was tossed out of the HQ. And Octo Valley entirely.
Ari now dug into a large container of chocolate ice cream with a spoon, rapidly stuffing his mouth, right next to a bandaged up bruise, tears flowing down his face like waterfalls.
"Ari, you gonna be alright?" Sari asked, Rit and Bas stowing their equipment away.
All Ari could do was dig into the ice cream.
"Move over Ari, I'm feeling pitiful too." Ares whimpered, his son shamefully edging to the side.
Together, the two lonely Inklings dug into the ice cream while Sari, Rit and Bas stood by and watched awkwardly.
AN: Oh man you would not believe! How much I'm stressed. Thank the deities above, praise Hotoke, praise the sun, Arceus, K.K. Slider, I dunno, anyone really for helping me finish this chapter. I'm really NOT feeling it at all, especially considering I have two weeks off. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go drown myself in the ocean because I just remembered I have to follow up on the other story ideas I have.
Huh? Reviews? Right...I'll cleanse myself of squid sins after that. Thanks Ultrapyre, Dread Angel, and Rynowm for reviewing! Thanks you two, glad to know that my burnout aren't without a little notice. Although I guess technically that'd be fishing for attention. Oops. Thanks for the idea Rynowm, sorry I couldn't get to your next idea, maybe someday.
Thanks for reviewing and/or reading, this is ThePizzaLovingTurtle, off to spam "ZR" in Splatoon and just win. gg.