Cold is the night without you here
Just your absence ringing in my ears
Hard is the heart that feels no fear
Without the bad, the good disappears
Long is the road that leads me home
And longer still when I walk alone
Bitter is the thought of all that time
Spent searching for something I'll never find
Cold is the Night – The Oh Hellos
?
Azra woke to stiff muscles and a pounding headache. The dryness of her mouth, the grittiness of her eyes- she must have been asleep for a while.
"Three days," Spark said quietly.
She blinked herself awake, but there wasn't anything she could see. Cave darkness. Though she was confused, she instinctively knew where she was- by the smell of it, by the texture of the floor, by the faint impressions of the Light- she was in the Crew's Cave. That relaxed her. She was safe.
"I'm sorry," her Ghost said.
She sat up and found him in the darkness, the dimmest of optics. The sense of him was much stronger- grief, worry, regret. She reached out for him automatically and he came. She nestled him in the hollow of her throat, whispering platitudes.
"I'm so, so sorry," Spark said. "I let you down. I should never have let this happen- I should never have let it get this far."
Azra just shooshed him and held him tighter.
Spark rambled on anyway, slightly muffled by her shirt. "When I asked you, I thought it would have been a fight. But you just went. I should have stopped it sooner."
He'd been stewing in this for days while she'd slept, and for a moment Azra felt guilty. She wanted to support him. But that just made Spark feel bad for making her feel bad, which made Azra feel bad in return-
She pulled them out of their mutual spiral with speculation. "Who knows?" Would she have come any earlier than she had? Her memories were all indistinct, a muddled pile of grief and pain. "I'm stubborn," she reminded him. "If I thought there was any hope at all…" Anything at all to do, and she would've done it. Perhaps she'd needed to reach that most helpless, broken point before she'd start looking at other options.
"I'm sorry," Spark said.
She took him and held him, looking him dead in the eye.
This was important. The doubt and shame in him nearly broke her heart again. "You fucking saved my life. You've saved my life a thousand times. You stayed with me in that ravine and kept me from going crazy for fifty-seven Traveler-forsaken years. For… a damned eternity. In the most literal sense. You are my best friend and I will not stand for anyone talking smack about you, even you. You are the best Ghost. I'll stab anyone who says different."
"It wasn't your fault," Azra said. If anything, this was on her stubborn ass. She'd gone so far past the point of helpfulness for… what? Honor? Altruism? A form of self-flagellation?
A million questions spun between them as they sat there. Azra was still reeling, finally able to see through the haze. Spark had had time to think, but he didn't like the conclusions he'd reached.
"We were cursed," Spark said. "It wasn't your fault, either."
It was the only thing that made sense. A bitter part of Azra wanted to believe that she'd just gone over the line, exhausted everyone enough that they'd given up on her- but her logical head prevailed. Even the worst case of insomnia didn't last months.
"What date is it?" she croaked.
March fourteenth, two-nine-six-one," Spark answered.
She should have been able to puzzle it out- but her recollections were disjointed. It took her too long to puzzle out- if she'd officially taken the chair in July…
"Just over eight months." Her Ghost was just a font of wisdom today.
Eight months. The shortest Hunter Vanguard stint in history. Still, admittedly, longer than she could've expected. Azra made to stand, but found her legs stiff and uncooperative beneath her. She settled for stretching usefulness back into them.
"I went back, yesterday," Spark said. "I thought-" He'd wanted to see the news, catch a glimpse of whatever fallout they'd be dealing with. Because there would be fallout.
He decided just to show her, projecting a capture of the news feed. The largest, blaring headline:
COLLUSION WITH THE FALLEN UNCOVERED; HUNTER VANGUARD EXILED
March 13, 2961 – Jobi Killeen
In an emergency Consensus meeting this morning, former Hunter Vanguard Azra Jax was formally exiled after evidence of treason was uncovered by an internal investigation.
Azra Jax, previously known for her work scouting the Dreadnaught and her heroism in the Red War, fled the City three days ago after suspicions were raised about her recent activities. A Vanguard inquiry revealed the Hunter Vanguard had been selling City secrets to the Fallen House of Dusk for money and technology. The Consensus debated for only an hour before officially declaring her exile in abstention.
Warlock Vanguard Ikora Rey had this to say on the debacle: "It comes as a surprise, but not as a shock. After the death of Cayde-6, many people had their confidence in the City shaken. Azra Jax's actions were still unjustifiable, especially considering the position of power she'd volunteered for."
Azra Jax, installed to the Vanguard eight months ago, leaves behind no successor and no active Vanguard Dare. "We will come together, as we always have," Vanguard Commander Zavala said in a speech this morning. "We will not let these acts of cowardice and selfishness shake us-
Azra swiped the projection away, unable to bear anymore. She put her head between her knees. The universe swam.
Spark helped coach her through her breathing. It was long minutes before she could raise her head again without that sick terror gripping her. But they were out, they were in the Cave. Nobody alive even knew this place existed. She had until she starved to death (even after that, frankly), before she had to leave. She had time to get a grip on this.
"I told them to do this," Azra choked out. "I told them-"
"That doesn't make this right," Spark said.
"But we were cursed," Azra said. "I can't blame them." Not when their actions hadn't been completely their own.
Spark considered that. "The question is, are we still cursed?" She'd slept, so obviously that facet of it wasn't in affect anymore- but it could have been conditional. The stories they'd heard- these monkey's-paw deals got complicated if it suited the Ahamkara.
"Even if we aren't…" It wouldn't have taken much. Ikora would already be grieving, and Azra was already to blame. Zavala would already be making a plaque for Cayde, thinking of how he'd made a plaque for Andal Brask, and for Kauko Switriver, and half a dozen Hunter Vanguards before, and wondering when he'd be making one for Azra. Just a nudge- towards blame, towards overprotectiveness. Frustration. Shiro had always been so busy. Veera had gotten too assertive.
Even if that nudge wasn't there anymore, would they change their opinions overnight? People were stubborn. It was a lot easier to justify your horrible behavior than try to reckon with it.
"The fact stands," Spark pointed out, "there's a bounty on our heads."
That was proof, if anything. Sure, she'd told them to place the blame on her, sure, this was a really good way to do that, but really? Selling out her own Hunters to the Fallen? That was evil. If she was ever caught, she'd get no mercy. A quick death would be all she could hope for, really.
"If we contact them, we're risking our lives," Spark said. "Betting that the curse is over and they do realize it and they've rethought their positions-" and that they weren't still angry anyway.
"That's an ante I'm not willing to follow," Azra said. Not when there was still so much to do- so many crannies of the Arcology still unexplored, so many Vex schemes left to thwart.
A frown pulled on her features once again. "But, really," she began, "If tomorrow I said I wanted to leave all of this behind. You'd really come with me?" The hesitancy in her voice saddened Spark. Of all of her strengths, trusting easy was not one of them. Most of the people she knew had been extremely trustworthy. Maybe it was a holdover of her previous life.
But Spark didn't need to even consider the question. He bobbed in the air affirmatively. But leaving it unsaid didn't feel right, so he added a, "Yes. Wherever you go. Whatever you do. I don't need to take it on blind faith. I can see you just fine."
"Alright," Spark said. "Wherever you go, I'll follow."
"Once more unto the breach?" Azra asked.
On Mercury
"I told you. No."
The arms of the sundial spun lazily over their heads. The entire contraption was moving at great speed, actually, but the enormous size made the motion look lackadaisical. The Hunter was taut as a bowstring, hands clenched in fists, lips pulled back in a feral snarl. The Warlock had his arms crossed in a seemingly casual gesture but was no less tense.
"It will work," Osiris insisted. "You've already altered the past-"
"I won't argue that you can't time travel," Azra said. "But everything I did just made the future I already came from. I can't go back and save Saint. I told you that. You shouldn't have tried."
"You can save him," Osiris said, "you just won't." There was the accusation laid plain.
"Does the word 'paradox' mean anything to you?" Azra asked. "God, out of everyone, I shouldn't have to have this conversation with you!"
"There does not have to be a paradox if we're careful," Osiris argued.
"We saw his grave," Azra intoned.
"A simulation-"
"The Vex can't simulate Light. Not even his. And I know what I felt. The proof is undeniable."
"You're the only one that has felt it, though. A small, petty proof."
"So who do you think is going to take the fallout?" Azra spat.
There was telling silence. Osiris shifted his weight. He inhaled-
Azra cut him off. "I told you no. You should know why. I fucking warned you and you still tried it."
"I have to try," Osiris said.
"He's GONE." Azra had no more sympathy left to give.
"It was my fault. I can't just sit idly by-"
"Welcome to the fucking club," Azra said. "You're not the only one whose mistakes killed someone they loved. What gives you the right?"
"The fact that I can," Osiris said emphatically. "I can fix this mistake. I have to try."
"Not without ending me," Azra said. "Is that the choice you see? Me or him? You'll lay me out like some animal sacrifice just to have him back. Is that what he'd want?"
"He's not around to make that call."
"Well I am. Here's the call."
The Bow only existed for a fraction of a second- a flicker, a sharp, cut-off screech, then Osiris staggered. (Tevis always did say she had a fast draw.) Azra drew the Ace of Spades and looked Osiris in the eye. (He was disoriented. Caught off guard and confused.) "We're done."
Two short barks and The Warlock was down. Azra holstered the hand cannon without pausing to reload it and stomped over to the base of the Sundial. Spark made no long task of removing the plating.
There was the bone, just where she knew it would be. Osiris had shielded it well, but Azra was very good at listening for whispers.
She yanked the bit of Ahamkara skeleton free, breaking some of the more delicate components that held it in place. Osiris could fix them later- not that it would matter. The machine wouldn't work without a wish powering it.
Azra focused a surge of Void light and the bone crumbled into dust. The whispers ceased. She brushed her hands off and took one last survey of the space. Her eyes caught on Sagira, who hovered over her fallen Guardian.
You were my Ghost once, Azra wanted to say. You're supposed to be on my side, even just a little. How could you let this happen?
But then Sagira started gathering the Light in preparation to resurrect her Guardian. Azra left.
On Venus:
The Vault was silent. It was an empty place now, bereft of importance. Like a cracked cup that couldn't hold water.
Azra stood before the Glass Throne. It hadn't changed, not really. Before, even just being here would make her heart beat quicker, steal the breath from her lungs in anxiety.
Now, she found it hard to care. She knew every part of this place. It just wasn't interesting anymore.
"How come this place is the most familiar one?"
Her question echoed off of the walls. She turned, watching the facets glitter.
"How come, when everything else is gone, when I have nothing to tie me down…"
She trailed off.
"How come this is what feels like home? That's just…"
"Unfair," Spark said. "But life is unfair."
On Luna:
She was there for the assault on the Scarlet Keep. The Vanguard was broadcasting on a common channel, so Azra didn't need to connect to the Net to hear.
She'd been at Burning Lake and Mare Ibrium, she'd been down the Hellmouth herself more than a few times. It seemed only right that she be there, fighting alongside the Guardians again.
She didn't talk, though, and she wore a generic cape and helmet. In her head, she played the part of a lonesome Nightstalker. Though there were plenty of Arcstriders out there now, she didn't want anyone looking at her and getting suspicious. She moved through the battlefield like a ghost, scattering a pack of Thrall there, taking out a Knight there, helping keep the momentum of the battle moving forward.
When Veera, Sulla, and Tapio separated themselves from the crowd of Guardians and pushed further into the Keep, she did not follow.
Several Guardians found themselves walking around with phantoms haunting them that day. Azra found herself dogged by an ethereal Gorgon. She couldn't not be afraid, not after an eternity hiding from that threat.
When the phantoms began growing cloaks, she left.
On Mars:
Ikora,
Another info dump. Mostly stuff gathered from Freehold. I know a lot of it is bound to be repeat information, but I can't really check the City Archives to know what is and what isn't, so…
Some of it should be new, at least. There's a couple of sub-basements I broke into where it was clear nobody had been in them since the Collapse. I'll send what map data I've gathered, too.
Speaking of maps, there's scouting reports. I guess if you're trying to hunt me down, all these detailed write-ups on my movements and activities would make it easier for you.
I guess if you're trying to hunt me down…
Well.
I know you can't contact me back. I'm not risking sticking around if you do. I know the second this ping goes out, bounty hunters will come running. Even if you aren't trying to hunt me down, there are plenty of people who still are.
I just wish I knew, yeah?
Anyway. Expect another dump sooner rather than later. I've got a real juicy nut coming for you, just a few lose ends I need to tie up before it's complete.
I…
Yeah. At least you miss him too, right? So I'm not totally alone.
I snuck by the Iron Temple a while back. They got a statue up of Shiro now with the others. It's… gratifying to see him get his legacy. And hey, at least there's no statues of me you have to tear down now. And you thought I was crazy.
Until next time. If there is one.
-Jax.
In Reef Space
Azra floated weightless. She was falling, albeit slowly, drifting silently through the void.
Below her feet shone a Skiff. Supposedly it belonged to Bosaks, a Dusk Captain and an escapee from the Prison of Elders. Used to be a Captain for the Wolves, had bowed his head under Mara Sov's rule, then had turned and ruthlessly slaughtered the Awoken when he'd had the chance. The Awoken had imprisoned him, then Uldren had freed him, and now he performed hit-and-runs on Reef traffic, taking cover in the Asteroid Belt when the authorities turned their eye on him.
A good plan. Drifting silently among the rocks, Bosaks' ship was hard to find. Any ship under power would be easy to spot- letting Bosaks slip away or get a drop on whoever was looking for him.
A ship under power would stand out, but a lone Human, drifting through the black? Radar wouldn't be able to pick her up even if they were looking for her.
She'd been drifting for over an hour now. She could expect another twenty minutes at least before touchdown. Her stealth mission was a very good plan, but she'd forgotten to take into account how boring it would be.
She scanned the asteroids around her. It was a particularly dull part of the Belt. The Reef itself wasn't even visible- nor the Dreaming City.
Azra was grateful for the distance. She'd had as much contact with Ahamkara as she ever wanted to.
"How'd we even get cursed, anyway?" Spark asked over their private comm.
"If Riven could hear all the way to the City, we'd have a lot bigger problems," Azra said. "Was it when we- after killing Uldren?"
"Riven was supposed to be sealed up in the Keep of Voices," Spark said. "Wasn't the whole point of that to keep her influence out of the populated parts of the Dreaming City?"
"Maybe she'd slipped containment while the Awoken were away."
"But your symptoms didn't start until a few weeks after you were in the City," Spark pointed out.
So either it wasn't her Wish, or Riven had heard her somehow from the City, or she'd put some sort of meta-bullshit kind of killswitch on her when she'd visited after killing Uldren. And what even had she wished for?
"This is a dangerous line of thinking," Spark warned. Weren't Ahamkara supposed to feed on speculation? "And what if we do come to a conclusion?" They'd collectively decided that to mess with things as they were was risky- without better information, they'd just as likely make things worse trying to break the curse as they were to fix anything. If the curse was even still active, if Riven could do anything about it now that she was dead, if breaking it would do any good at all after so long-
Too many ifs, Azra agreed mentally.
Besides, there were more immediate things to focus on. Azra could make out more and more details on the Skiff beneath her. "Five minutes 'till touchdown," Spark confirmed.
On Titan:
There was a cache perched up on an old truss. It was tucked away, hidden from prying eyes, along with the other dozen or so caches like it that had been hidden in the Arcology. Had one known to look for it, had one climbed the exposed scaffolding of the chamber and jumped their way to its corner, they would find it unlocked. The little green light was on, showing it was undamaged and unopened.
It should have been opened. Cayde-6 had put many contingencies in place. But the cache was not broadcasting its signal and the message he had arranged to go to its intended had been intercepted. It was unlikely she even knew it existed, much less where it was.
Inside the cache was a pack of cards, an assortment of parts for the Ace of Spades, and a recording.
Azra, if you're hearing this, then you killed me.
Or more likely you've gone poking your head where it doesn't belong. If I'm not dead, then shoo. And tell me you found this so I can go hide it better. People aren't supposed to know these are here.
Are you still listening? Okay, if you're still listening, it probably means I am dead. I really don't think it's likely you're the one that's gonna off me, but a guy's gotta cover his bases, yeah? I know you're aware of my will and my Dare. And I know you'd just as soon as go throw yourself back into the Vault as you would take up the Vanguard seat and confine yourself to the City.
Which means you probably did it for a good reason. Or completely by accident. Either way, I forgive you. And hey, bonus, you get all of my stuff! The Ace, obviously. I trust you'll take good care of her, even if you're not the biggest one for Hand Cannons. The rest of it- my Sparrow, the other guns- don't mean as much. Let you and Shiro pick over them. Sell 'em, donate 'em, whatever.
I know you're not ready to be a single mother of a chicken. Colonel deserves more stability than you could provide, galivanting about the system. I won't be upset if you give her to Hawthorne or Holiday.
And speaking of galivanting…
I know you know that this job is important. I think Andal understood it more than any of us, but every day I'm coming to see a little more from his point of view. But what Andal forgot in the end- okay, maybe he didn't forget it, but he didn't keep it as close as he should have- Pack still matters. Sure, maybe we'd be better off having someone in the chair, no matter who it is. But I also know it'd just about kill you.
So.
This is Cayde-6, Vanguard authorization Alpha-Charlie-Echo-Two-Six-Seven-One. To any whom it may concern- an addendum to my will and to my Dare: should Azra Jax be the one to kill me, she gets all of my possessions and debts, with the exception of the Vanguard seat. She'd make a terrible Vanguard. You know it, I know it. I'm sparing everyone a lot of grief.
Just keep going, alright? Shiro needs you to be there for him.
The cache never was disturbed.
On Io:
Really, she should move back to her sleeping place. If someone came in, she could pretend to have not noticed the crowd outside, apologize in sign language, and count on her anonymous helmet and the dimness to hide her identity. It was nothing more than a funeral happening outside- rights read for some unknown Warlock. Nobody would be looking for her.
She could have left when the voices outside had woken her in the first place. She should have. But she'd gotten to the mouth of the cave, peered outside, and had been struck still by what she'd seen.
Veera stood in the throngs, her arms crossed, staring off into the distance. Formality had wiped any sort of expression from her face. Azra found herself staring unabashedly, drinking in her appearance. The sheen of the Ioninan light on her purple hair (knotted in the same way it always was). The contrast of the navy tattoos against her blue skin. Her gemlike eyes. Just the way she stood, filled with confidence, the sweep of her robes through the air, the tilt of her head.
She hadn't tried to contact Veera since she'd left. She'd seen her, briefly, at the strike on the Scarlet Keep, but hadn't looked for news after. She'd spent plenty of sleepless nights up wondering, but…
Veera was there. Right there. Azra was seized with an urge to slip out and join the crowd, follow Veera after the service was over, take off her helmet and throw her arms around her and beg for forgiveness.
Risky, Spark pointed out mentally. And that was a risk Azra had made a rule of not taking. Sure, maybe the curse had broken when she'd left the City. Maybe Veera wasn't still angry. Maybe she'd figured out the lie the Vanguard had told, or Ikora had told her the truth-
But that was a lot of maybes. And Azra was, ultimately, gambling with her life. She didn't have the heart to truly fight with Veera. And if she any of those maybes didn't swing her way, if Veera called in backup, if she got a lucky hit, Azra could be killed or carted off to a prison somewhere.
She was tired. But she still had work left to do.