A very unexpected first AN: Now that everyone's leaving Fanfiction I can pretty much write whatever I want. Hahahah…AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA! I CAN LITERALLY WRITE WHATEVER I WANT! TIME TO CREATE MY MASTERPIECE! I will rule these archives with my bare hands and a keyboard in my lap! My conquest begins now!

Splatoon: The Lazy Octoling

Tai Writes Fanfiction

(Because I wanna read other stories too. I'm so lonely. None of my friends talk to me anymore.)

Hey nerd. It's uh...the Super Bate Brothers Super Show.

They're the Bate Brothers and running's' their game, they're not like the others who get all the fame. If your species' in trouble you can call them on the double, they're lesser than the others you'll be hooked on the Brothers. HUH.

Alright now that that's out of the way let me tell you a story. It begins underground away from Inkopolis in a simple room. There slept a beautiful Octoling beloved by many. Her face, sullen with the worry that she'd have to go out and pretend to work, but her body rocking. The dull, metallic room she rested in glowed with a beautiful energy which combined into a holy light that just glowed off in a flipping glow of pure, unadulterated, unrestrained concentration of codliness.

This Octoling went by the name of Tai. Or T-41 if you're a lame idiot.

"...That's the most narcissistic way to start off a story ever, Tai."

"Why? I think it's pretty hot."

"No. I mean, who starts their story off dictating that they're the narrator? There's a thing called the fourth wall. You can't just go-

"Okay, well, then how about this."

But instead of starting off where the story should have, we actually go to some abandoned shack on the hill that looks like it's about to fall apart at any second. Inside of the house laid two Inklings who shared blue tentacles and tan skin.

"Eh?"

"...I already don't like where this is going."

I do.

"And you're using the narrator voice."

Shell yeah I am. No wonder Ari talks to himself like this all the time.

They slumbered in their cots, rolling back and forth, rustling their blankets as they went. The one laid out on the bed to the right snored like a helicopter being drowned. This was Splin and he doesn't know what calm means.

"Shut up."

To the left is everyone's favorite brother. The one that has no personality except for smiles. This is Sharq and he sleeps with his cap on his head.

"First of all you're lucky Sharq isn't here. Second of all how do you know what our sleeping habits are?"

I watch you sleep.

"..."

Suddenly their clock began to ring. Its rings sounded startlingly and out of the blue. The only responsible action these two savages had in mind for this marvel of machinery was to bash it. They leapt to their feet and took turns curb-stomping the clock until it resembled nothing but scrap.

"Oh man we sure showed that clock who wears the pants!" Sharq exclaimed and wiggled his hands up in the air because I don't know. "High five Splin!"

Sharq raised his palm towards Splin. He just scoffed and turned around. "A high five isn't going to clear the darkness in my soul."

"...I don't sound like that."

Yes you do listen. Splin glanced towards the sky. "No one here is on my level. Everyone else here is a flipping idiot. Ugh. Where's my headphones? I need to listen to some death metal."

"I don't actively listen to death metal. W-Where are you getting this from anyways?"

"I hate you but I still love you in an unrequited way." Splin cursed and stacked another pair of Designer Headphones I think they're called on his other headphones. Why do Inklings purposely blast their ears until their deaf I have no idea.

"Aw, I love you too!" Sharq spoke up with a gleeful grin. "I'm going to ignore you being irredeemably rude and play in some Murder Wars!"

"Turf Wars."

Same thing. Anyways Sharq waltzed out of the door out into the sunshine and rainbows of Inkopolis and had a good time slaughtering innocent fellow Inklings while Splin sat at home with his headphones plugged into the television thing. He played video games like a loner until he got bored and started sulking himself to sleep because he's sad for some reason.

The end.

Tai placed down her sheet of paper on the brothers' counter. She stood up and leaned on the table, brushed one particularly long violet tentacle out of her face; her elbow tapped a small mug, and glanced back over towards the right way into the back of the room, and smiled. "How was that?"

Splin's legs dangled off his bed motionlessly. Hands locked together under his chin, he glared back at the Octoling, eyebrows locked in a scowl. The alarm clock remained stationed on the dresser in between him and his brother's beds and beeped, beeped, and beeped, almost like the ticks of a time-bomb. If Splin had the capability of understanding what inanimate object language was he would understand how much the clock wanted to disassemble itself at that moment.

Not that it mattered much. Splin shut his eyes, adjusted his headphones, and flopped back on his bed. He reached backwards for his pillow, lowered it down to his face, inhaled, and-

"Mmmmmmmmmugahg!" The filtered scream called out from the other side.

"Great!" Tai smiled, reached back and took a swig from the mug, and hopped off towards the exit of the house. She skipped across the wooden floors creating a 'tip tap' sound as she went. "I think I'll show this to Auss and the others next!'

Though all he could see was pillow, Splin heard the door open and slam shut carelessly, and the sound of his own drained sigh. The house collapsed into silence aside from the very annoyed, or the very depressed, sounds of the sentient alarm clock at Splin's side "Voice?"

Yes?

He removed the pillow from his face. "Please do something."

What do you have in mind?

"Can't you like...set fire to that paper or make it blow away in the wind?" Splin's brown eyes strained upwards. "I just don't want anyone else reading or listening to...that."

Sorry, I can't do that.

"Well why not?!" Splin jumped up into the air as a squid and landed as a kid now in front of his cot.

Because the chapter's already finished.

Splin arched a blue eyebrow. "Wh-"

AN: This is what the story would've been had it not been for you good Samaritans giving me criticism all the time. I could've made the most ironic fanfiction ever using all of the overused parody trope for fun but then this story happened.

Speaking of those good Samaritans let's see those reviews again in slow motion. Thanks Ultrapyre and write n wrong for micromanaging me.

It's okay Ultrapyre, they're already dead to me, feel free to use them at your leisure!

I appreciate your punctual input as always write n wrong I've been wanting to expand on Chi rebelling against the oppressive system of Octavio for too long man. Fight the mainstream.

But on a more serious note I do sincerely hope Splatoon 2 gets more people invested again.

Thanks for reading this is ThePizzaLovingTurtle on multiple layers of irony. See you next time on my thrilling adventures of narration as we watch as Rem and Ix completely abandon the brothers to a lifetime of loneliness in Dimension Number Nothing.

See you squid cowboys(and girls).