Splatoon: The Brothers and the Others
THE BROTHERS
STARRING IN:
"Hold on, okay, wait a minute. Why should I write a Squidoween chapter if I missed the Brothers' birthday? I mean, I already have the Chi 'redemption' arc on hold, and now I'm on hold on Sharq's personal adventure, but like I don't even consider the Halloween chapters a huge tradition. And I did make a big deal out of the brothers' birthday last year, so... Okay, so, look, I don't normally consider the Brothers to have aged much. I mean, when's the last time you saw a cartoon character age? And don't you say Rugrats. Or… Finn from Adventure Time… Wait, actually-
Well, okay, the point is, some cartoon characters stay young practically forever. I mean, Spongebob kinda became a man after the first movie. You know, because he had that whole rite of passage thing with… Well, spoilers, but going up to the surface was pretty much like his rite of passage, right? Or is that just me overanalyzing the situation?
The brothers don't really have that as much growth as compared to actual characters. Which is weird to think when Sharq is seventeen and Splin is sixteen at this point. So, I dunno, it's weird, and you can see the bind I'm in. Especially seeing as I've already wasted one of the most unique jokes here on a chapter title. Pretty weird, right? Well, I mean, Weird Al pretty much did this joke and cartoons like Chowder already used gratuitous fourth wall breaks to great effect, and at this point, the critics reading this would stone me for letting this joke go on for too long when in reality this is the most substance in this chapter."
A.K.A. the Annually Obligated Halloween Chapter
Splin and Sharq sat atop their beds. Around them, their house was cluttered with all sorts of flim-flam: video game cases were strewn around the household, a Krak-On Roller and an N-ZAP spilled blue ink on the kitchen countertop down to the floor, and their sheets were literally bedraggled.
Splin sighed once and laid back on the poorly folded sheets. "So… Read any good books recently?"
Sharq blinked and glanced at his brother. "Um, I think? Maybe."
"Alright," Splin muttered and collapsed on his bed, "Tell me about it later sometime."
"Okay!" Sharq beamed, "I think I gave it to Ann. But, um, I don't think you'd like it."
"Eh." Splin shrugged, "You never know."
For the rest of the day, they sat. Outside the house, the sun cruised across the sky, down past the horizon, and sunk away from view, taking the sunlight with it. A few hours passed and the moon rose sleepily into the sky.
Inside the house, the brothers continued to lie on their beds, being relatively obsolete in the grand scheme of existence. Oh, and Sharq was asleep.
"...Alright, I've had enough, you can stop with the act. What are you scheming?" Splin shouted to the ceiling.
"Huhazzat?" Sharq's head lurched from his pillow drowsily.
There was nothing but silence.
"Voice?" Splin inquired upwards.
Almost instantaneously, a crack of thunder clapped through the atmosphere and the lights to the house shut off The two Inklings yelped, switched into squids and instinctively dove under the covers. A few moments passed when they both jumped out of the sheets and dropped from their beds, only to slide underneath.
"Splin, what'd you do?" Sharq protested.
Splin slowly switched from a squid back into Inkling form and stared at his hands in amazement. All of a sudden, there came a persistent knocking at the door. All the while, the storm raged above them. Flashes of lightning joined the fray, periodically lighting the sky as the drums of the storm continued their chants.
Eventually, the door broke down, through ambiguously lazy writing means. Obscured by the storm, a short, pudgy figure walked in dripping wet. His boots squeaked lightly against the floor as he entered, the dark of night obscuring him in a vague silhouette.
Splin's breathing slowed. "It's… It's…"
Sharq chimed in, "It's…"
"It's a-me!" The figure announced gleefully.
A bolt of lightning flashed in a split-second to reveal none other than a short man in blue overalls. Drops of water dripped off his smiling face and proud brown mustache as he and his cap stared at the two.
The brothers just stared back at the figure for some time. The mustachioed man just blinked back. Moments passed, then the house lit back up and exposed the man in his drenched, vividly colored glory.
"...Is that it?" Splin inquired.
"Yep, that was it," The cap mumbled from the top of the small man's head.
The Inklings stared awkwardly at the odd gentleman. Suddenly, the man perked up, and reached into the back of his overalls. He retrieved a small video game case with himself on the cover, set it on the floor, then politely lifted his cap off and waved to the Inklings. Seemingly satisfied with his delivery, he promptly set out the door and out into the hills. As he left, so did the thunder and lightning that had boomed a few seconds ago.
"That was really underwhelming," Splin muttered, "All that build-up and nothing to show for it?"
Sharq slid from out underneath the bed, reformed back into an Inkling, and walked forward and snatched the case from the floor. "At least we got a new video game!"
The sound of a drumset rimshot reverberated through the house.
"Sure," Splin acknowledged with a shake of his head.
He crawled out from the safety of the sub-bed zone and walked up to Sharq. Sharq wiped the moisture off of the case with his hand and quickly wiped it on his t-shirt.
Splin sighed and reached for the case. "At least we have-"
"Clickety clack," the ever-beloved skeleton character prattled as it rose from the case.
"Ah!" Splin yelped and smacked the case to the floor.
Immediately, the case hit the deck and decapitated the skeleton. Several pieces of bones and cartilage disassembled on impact and slid across the floor. Splin and Sharq gazed on in horror at the mess of assorted spooky appendages now lying on their house floor.
The skeleton tried to frown, but now lacking a lower jaw, it simply chattered a tiny, "Clack."
The Inklings glanced at one another.
"Welp, see you in the morning, Sharq," Splin told his brother with a pat on his back.
AN: I don't even like Halloween that much. I just like April Fools because it gives me an excuse to write drivel like this.
Thanks write n wrong and R.C.D. for somehow still sticking with this story after twenty million eons. Seriously, I'm thankful, but at the same time somewhat concerned that people are still reading.
Since I still have people I need to write good stories for, um, thanks again.
write n wrong, there's nothing quite like a grilled jellyfish sandwich. I mean, aside from the thumbtack cheesesteak and the wasp stinger soufflé.
Also, R.C.D., flattery is appreciated, but at the same time, you gave me too much credit. After all, you did catch that typo I mistakenly typed.
Special thanks to my subscribers Anon 3 and Anon 2000 for buying the "Bring Back Tai" subscription bonus for one cent. Membership bonuses include playing Super Mario Odyssey with me, writing a story with me, and not bringing Tai back.
Basically, I ripped you guys off.
No one should ever give me money for doing something I wanna do.
You were played.
:)
...
So thanks for reading, this is ThePizzaLovingTurtle, selling out a pizza stand near you with contributions thanks to readers like you. Thank you.
…
So…
Yeah.
That's it.
You guys can leave now.
I'm just going to go… Try and run TF2 again.
Or I might even play Super Mario Odyssey.
If this chapter was an indication.
...
Seriously, go do something productive.
Go tell Ultrapyre things about his story.
Or go and check if Dread is still fuming over Splatoon drama, I dunno what you guys do.
...
Um...Odyssey's okay. I think I greatly prefer Galaxy and Sunshine though. Odyssey just feels too easy since, when you die, all you do is lose coins sorta like Dark Souls, but only up to ten coins.
So I guess you could say this is the Dark Souls of Mario games?
I'll be here all week.
...
... ...
... ... ...
Okay fine, you can get your Octoling you geese. You guys are silly geese, you know that?
In retrospect, maybe Tai should have stopped trusting Inklings. For one, she just realized that running was actually getting really tiring. Even worse than running was running in a dilapidated corridor filled with decrepit, dusty old Octoweapons scraps that littered the already fading fortress.
Trusting that Inkling also ended up getting her superior furious at her. And probably broke her sanity. Yeah, that was a setback. Even so, running from her was not exactly the worst thing to happen to her this week. Month? Year? Maybe. She had no idea how long she was trapped in this crumbling trash heap, but at least she was getting cardio.
Just then, a scream rang out behind her. "Taaaai sweetie? I found a nice, big metal stick to play with! Be a good girl and stand still for me?"
"Okay," Tai sighed, "Screw that."
"That's exactly what I'm going to do! Ahahahaha!" Aussie's voice echoed.
"C'mon, man, being uncomfortable is my thing," Tai muttered begrudgingly.
She sped farther down the corridor past several ruined electronic equipment. Wires threatened to trip her like black vines snagged on the floors.
"I bet Jerry and the others are sitting somewhere at the base, too, not doing anything. I was going to do that!"
Tai became increasingly annoyed. Each step she took just seemed to lead down the same, endless section of destroyed machinery. At this point, if she saw one more loose wire, broken alloy, or shredded tentacle, she was going to-
"Ooh la la," Tai remarked with a whistle, "Wait a second."
Tai skidded to a stop in the middle of the hall. Laid abandoned on the ground was a large, flat and shriveled tentacle. Despite its worn condition, it laid across the floor like a large, triangular tarp with few tears ripped in the fabric-like skin.
Tai grinned mischievously. "Perfect."
"Taaaaai?" Aussie chimed as she repeatedly smacked a metal pipe into the open palm of her left hand, "Don't be shy now, you wouldn't be so rude to your commanding officer, would you?"
There was nothing but a hollow, eerie silence. Then, there was a call.
"Yeah, I totally would, actually," Tai's voice called out.
"Eheh heh!" Aussie cackled, "Then let's play a game, shall we?"
"Like a video game?" Tai offered, "If we get out of here, I could smuggle a few more of those for you."
"...Wait, really?" Aussie blinked.
"Yeah, like some really hot adult games too, if you..." she could vaguely hear the sound of eyelashes fluttering, "Catch my cold."
A deranged smile crept back onto Aussie's face. "I actually think I like the game, 'beat you into the ground until you're mush' sounds better!"
Tai protested, "I don't though."
Without a second thought, Aussie sprinted down the hall with her newfound iron pipe lifted over her head. She gazed hungrily at each and everything she passed, ready to beat down whatever moved.
Then she saw the giant tentacle standing in the middle of the hall. Aussie hesitated and lowered her pipe and gazed at the strange tendril as it blocked the way.
The tentacle cleared its throat, "Ooga Booga!"
Aussie smile returned as she lifted her pipe. "Nice try!"
"Oh, ship," The tentacle cursed as it arched itself, "Tentacle slap!"
Before Aussie could react, the tentacle tackled her to the floor down the hall.
"Oof!" Aussie exclaimed as she was crushed by the gigantic tentacle.
As she stood where the tentacle once stood, Tai simply shrugged. "Wow, that was actually really easy. You're slipping, Auss."
Tai nudged the tentacle with her boot. The tentacle remained flat on the other Octoling's body. She kicked it again. Nothing.
"...Kay," Tai muttered.
With a hop, a skip, and a jump, Tai hopped, skipped and jumped over the broken tentacle. At least, she tried, until the metal pipe from before stabbed through the tentacle and up through the skin. Tai's eyes widened as she stood frozen in mid-skip and stared at the two glowing dots as they bored into her own soul.
"You're not getting out of this one, Miss Inaba," Aussie whispered.
AN 2: Will Tai be able to defeat the evil Aussie? Will she get back to Octo Valley in time to stop Winst and save Chi? Probably not, Chi's most likely dead by now and Winst is bathing in her dead fluids.
I'll see you next time on One Missed Call Z!
...And if you're still here, I'll see you next time on Shameless Promotion and the Delayed Stories! See you!