Skin
"You're kidding, you still keep in touch with your college buddies?"
"Why not?"
"Well, what exactly do you tell them? You know, about where you been, what you been doing?"
"I tell 'em I'm on a road trip with my big brother, I tell them I needed some time off after Jess."
"So, you lie to em."
"No, I just don't tell them everything."
Yeah, that's called lying. I mean hey man I get it, telling them the truth is far worse."
"So, what am I supposed to do just cut everyone out of my life?"
Dean shrugged.
"You're serious?"
"Look it sucks but a job like this you can't get close to people period."
"You're kind of anti social, you know that?"
"Yeah, whatever."
It wasn't true of course. If one of them had been anti-social growing up it would have been Sam. It wasn't like he didn't try, he had just never learned how to fit in.
Dean has always been a chameleon; he was able to blend in anywhere and make quick friends in any place. Growing up Sam often wished he had been the same. But he had longed for long-lasting friendships, deeper connections and Stanford had given him that. For 4 years he lived in one place, made friends and he was having a hard time letting go.
If Zach was in trouble Sam had to go help him, and he didn't give up until Dean pointed the car in the direction of Saint Louis.
"So tell me about this Zach guy. Good friend?" Dean asked.
Sam shrugged.
"He was my RA my freshmen year, he made it a point to show me around."
"Why was he so interested in you?"
"Not many kids show up to Stanford with a duffle bag and a backpack. He was just trying to take the weird kid under his wing. Helped me get a job, introduced me to girls, took me to bars..."
Dean was quiet for a moment and his knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel.
"So... he did you know... brother things?"
Sam blinked and looked over at his brother.
"No. It wasn't like that. He was just a really good friend to me."
Dean said nothing and leaned forward to turn up the radio effectively blocking Sam out. The older Winchester was trying and failing to mask his pain with anger, but Sam could see through the facade.
It was weird for Dean to see his brother with Rebecca. She spoke to him like she knew everything about him, trusted him completely. And even as he watched Sam lie straight to Rebecca's face, she didn't for one second doubt his sincerity.
Dean whistled as she walked away.
"Oh yeah man, you're a real straight shooter with your friends."
Sam recognized the tinge of bitterness in his voice and chose to ignore it.
Sam looked at the photo on the Fridge. He could remember that day so clearly. It was just a typical homecoming BBQ, but for Sam it was one of the first social events where he felt like he belonged. Two things had happened that day, one he met people who would remain in his social circle for the next four years, and two it was the first day he had sat on his bed staring at his phone debating calling his father to apologize and beg to come home.
He remembered lying constantly that day. About his family, where he grew up, what high school he went to. And it had sent him into a panic wondering if he could keep up the lies. He had put down his phone and dragged his duffel bag out from under his bed. He stared at the fake credit cards he had stowed there that had helped him make his way across the country.
He thought once more of his father and brother before he cut them up and tossed them into the trash.
"My name is Sam Winchester; I was born in Lawrence Kansas. My father is a marine vet, and now he works as a mechanic. I graduated from Lawrence Free State High School. My mother died when I was a baby. My Dad disowned me because I wouldn't join the family business. I have one brother named Dean... I don't know where he is now."
The best lies were close to the truth.
Sam winced as Rebecca hung up on him. He couldn't fault her for it. She probably just saw a wannabe lawyer trying to fish for answers.
He heard the trunk closed and looked away as Dean approached him.
"I hate to say it but that's exactly what I am talking about. You lie to your friends because if they knew the real you, they'd be freaked. It's just-It's be easier-"
"If I was like you."
"Hey man like it or not we are not like other people, but I'll tell you one thing, this whole gig it ain't without its perks."
Sam smirked as he took the gun and tucked it into his waist band. He knew Dean wasn't trying to be mean, he genuinely was trying to understand. Sam may not want this life, but there was one thing for certain. All that time at Stanford he had felt naked without the cool metal of a gun at his back. He wasn't sure what that said about him.
"I thought I came from a bad background."
"He's sure got issues with you. You got to go to college, he had to stay home with dad. Don't you think I had dreams of my own? But Dad needed me. Where the hell were you?"
It's not Dean, It's not Dean...
"See deep down I'm just jealous. You got friends, you could have a life. Me? I know I'm a freak and sooner or later everybody is gonna leave me."
Dean can't really think that...
"You left, hell I did everything Dad asked me to and he ditched me too."
Sam's stomach began to roll. He felt like he had stumbled upon a part of Dean's psyche he was never meant to see.
Sam's head throbbed, and he blinked sluggishly as he looked up at not Dean. It was weird hearing his brothers voice talking about killing him.
"Your brother has a lot of good qualities; you should appreciate him more then you do."
Sam bit his lip to keep from snarking back. He eyed the knife in the table and made quick work of releasing his hands.
"Not bad little brother!"
"You aren't him." Sam growled.
As Sam crawled up from under the bookshelf, he heard the shifter say:
"Even when we were kids, I always kicked your ass."
Suddenly Sam was centered again, and he saw the monster for what it was. It may have been telling the truth about some of Dean's buried insecurities, but he was wrong on this.
Dean had never kicked Sam's ass. He had held back every time. Sam and Dean were not two opposites growing up. They were 1 side of the same coin. They worked together, and Dean would never have purposely hurt Sam.
"HEY!" Dean yelled.
Even through his foggy brain Sam relaxed knowing he was safe.
Sam said goodbye to Rebecca. It felt good to finally tell someone the truth.
"It must be lonely." Rebecca said.
Sam had felt lonely his entire childhood but standing here between his friend and his brother... for the first time it didn't really feel like that hard of a choice.
"Oh no, it's not so bad, anyway what can I do it's my family."
As Sam walked away, he knew he would never speak to Rebecca again, but he felt like maybe she understood.
"How many chances am I gonna have to see my own funeral?"
Sam smiled softly at Dean before getting lost in his own thoughts. He had no idea how many miles had past by when he spoke again.
"I wasn't leaving you." Sam said suddenly.
"Huh?"
"I want you to know that it wasn't you I was leaving. I didn't mean to keep it a secret from you, or make you feel like I was abandoning you. I didn't mean for you to feel like I didn't appreciate everything you did for me or-"
"Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"Stop rambling."
Sam ears grew a little pink at the reprimand.
"Sorry."
"Look, if this is about that Vulcan mind meld thing the shifter did. He wasn't telling the truth."
"Really?"
Dean shrugged.
"I've had thoughts like that sure. But I am not this walking ball of insecurity it seems like he made me out to be alright? I know you leaving wasn't about me, and as much as you may not be ready to admit it, I know you leaving wasn't even really about Dad."
Sam shifted uncomfortably, he wasn't ready to talk about his father and Dean seemed to sense it.
Dean sighed.
"I knew about Stanford, okay? For weeks before you left. I know you were gonna go. I saw the letter in your bag."
"You did?"
"Sure, I mean... you aren't as secretive as you think."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
Dean shrugged.
"Figured we could have a few more weeks of peace before you were gone."
Sam eyebrows scrunched up in concentration as he read between the lines of this story. Dean had known he was leaving for weeks. Dean had known he was leaving for weeks and didn't tell Sam. Dean knew he was leaving for weeks and didn't tell their Dad.
Dean had kept a secret from his father.
Dean had let Sam go.
He wasn't sure what that meant right now, but he knew one thing.
Dean let his family go, even when it caused him nothing but pain.
Dean Winchester was stronger than Sam had ever given him credit for.
"Zach didn't replace you Dean."
Dean smirked and looked over at him.
"No one could replace all this awesome."
Sam laughed.
"You're right, no one could."