Bugs
"Yeah well, the way we were raised was jacked."
"Yeah, says you."
Sam couldn't let it go. That anger was always simmering just under the surface. And he tried to leave Dean out of it, he really did. But it was bound to come out eventually.
Heading towards Oasis Plains, Dean cleared his throat.
"I had real jobs before you know... I worked plenty of jobs when we were younger."
"I know you did. I'm just asking why we can't do that now."
"Cause we don't need to Sammy."
"What that mean?"
Dean gave his brother an exasperated look and turned up the music. Sam got the silent message.
Dean had gotten jobs at mechanics, bar and grocery stores starting at 14. It coincided with Sam's desperation to stay in towns for longer and longer stretches of time.
Dean had done it for him.
"There's nothing wrong with normal."
"I'd take our family over normal any day."
The truth Dean would never tell: He would take his family any way as long as it was whole.
Sam watched Matt walk away with his father, and he recognized that look of disappointed. It had so often been directed at him.
"Remind you of somebody?"
Dean looked over at Matt and seemed genuinely confused.
"Dad?" Sam said.
"Dad never treated us like that."
"Well Dad never treated you like that you were perfect. He was all over my case... you don't remember?"
"Well maybe he had to raise his voice, but sometimes you were out of line."
"Right... right like when I said I'd rather play soccer then learn bow hunting."
"Bow hunting's an important skill."
Sam rolled his eyes.
"Whatever."
Sam let the conversation drop. He thought maybe after four years apart Dean would have learned something about his father. Sam wanted someone to agree with him, but he didn't want to fight with his brother.
"He's too disappointed in his freak son." Matt said.
"I hear ya."
"You do?"
"Matt how old are you?"
"Sixteen."
"Well don't sweat it, cause in two years something great's gonna happen."
"What?"
"College. And you'll be able to get out of the house and away from your dad."
"What kind of advice is that? Kid should stick with his family." Dean said.
He kept eye contact with Sam but said nothing further. He followed Matt and Dean reflected on what Sam had told the kid. He wanted to think that Sam was just being a bitch, but the truth was he could see how much this was still weighing on Sam. This wasn't teenage angst anymore. This was written into the fabric of who Sam was. Sam really believed he wasn't wanted.
Dean remembered his parents telling him that he could be anything he wanted to be. Back when they were a happy family living in their home in Lawrence. At the time he had wanted to be a firefighter. That had changed for obvious reasons. Dean grew up knowing exactly who he wanted to be.
Looking back, he realized that neither John nor Dean had ever repeated the same thing to Sam. He wondered if he had, if it would have made a difference? Would Sam have chosen this life? Would he have gone to school anyway but at least knowing his family loved him?
This uncomfortable conversation was going to happen sooner than later, but he certainly wasn't going to have it in front of a teenaged boy.
"Hey so with that kid back there, how could you tell him to just ditch his family like that?"
"Just uhhh... I know what the kid is going through."
"How bout telling him to respect his old man, how's that for advice?"
"Dean C'mon, this isn't about his old man you think I didn't respect Dad, that's what this is about."
"Forget it alright sorry I brought it up."
"I respected him, but no matter what I did, it was never good enough."
"So, what are you saying, that Dad was disappointed in you?"
"Was? Is, always had been."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because I didn't want to bow hunt or hustle pool. I wanted to go to school and live my life, which in our wacked out family made me the freak. "
Dean smirked
"Yeah, you were kind of like the blonde chick from The Munsters.
"Dean, you know what most dad's are when their kids score a full ride? Proud. Most Dad's don't toss their kids out of the house."
"I remember that fight. In fact, I seem to remember a few choice phrases coming out of your mouth."
Sam shook his head.
"You know truth is, when we finally do find Dad? I don't know if he's even gonna want to see me."
Dean didn't want to be the one to do this, but he had to find a way to set Sam straight.
"Sam, Dad was never disappointed in you, never. He was scared."
"What are you talking about?"
"He was afraid of what could happen to you if he wasn't around. But even when you two weren't talking, he used to swing by Stanford whenever he could. Keep any eye on you, make sure you were safe."
"What?"
"Yeah."
Honestly, John hadn't been the only one to make those trips, but Dean would take that to the grave.
"Why didn't you tell me you knew that?"
Well... its a two way street dude, you could've picked up the phone... come on we're gonna be late for our appointment.
Walking away from his brother, Dean felt like maybe just maybe he had managed to crack through Sam's shell.
Sam thought back to that fight with his father.
He knew he was partially responsible. His father had told him he couldn't go to school and Sam had spewed every hateful thing that had built up over his life.
He knew he had gone too far when he saw the anger in his father's eyes.
"If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back."
Sam never taken ultimatums well. He grabbed his duffle and his backpack off the bed and slammed the door behind him.
What he didn't see was the regret in John's eyes as he slumped down into the rickety kitchen chair.
What he didn't hear was John's request to Dean, to go make sure his brother got to the bus station safely.
What neither brother saw was the tears that fell from John's eyes.
He was gone before Dean returned.
Seeing Matt and his father reconnect had given Dean some renewed hope for his brother and father, but now he had to mend his own fences with Sam over what had happened.
After the night they had, Dean pulled into a motel around 2 in the afternoon to drop off their stuff. He was going to go find the nearest bar and for once it seemed like Sam was game to accompany him.
The two brothers sat in companionable silence for awhile splitting a pitcher of beer, and Dean took the opportunity to clear the air between the two of them.
"I was proud of you." Dean said.
Sam looked up at his brother.
"What are you talking about?"
Dean shrugged.
"When you got into Stanford. Those two years we kept in touch, and I watched you become more comfortable in your own skin. I really did want those things for you. I just wasn't ready to let go. It was weird watching you become less and less of who I had always known you to be."
Sam was silent.
"Part of me will always be the kid who wanted to make you proud Dean."
Dean smiled softly and nodded over to the far side of the bar.
"Pool?"
Sam smirked and looked at the crowd, easily finding his mark.
"Bet I can get $500 outta that guy before the night is out."
Dean laughed.
"That's my boy."